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Secret Diary of Petronella Pious 1


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#1 Laufey

Posted 08 December 2002 - 09:50 PM

 
The Secret Diary Of Petronella Pious, Mistress Of Darkness

1st of Hammer, 1373

New Years Promises made yesterday:

To quit smoking. There's no sense in being subtle, my enemies deserve to get properly burnt to crisps by the unearthly fire of my spells, and that's what they'll get. Particularly whichever god is responsible for the sun being so unnaturally bright this morning.

To cut back on drinking, at least Blood. I'm sure Count Bosko means well, but his special diet simply doesn't sit well with the human stomach. And he kept giving me his old party line all night too. 'I do not trrrink...vine.' Please. It's not as if we all don't know he keeps a bottle of spirits in his pocket, and 'Szass Tam's Weird Old Homebrew' at that. No wonder he doesn't 'trink vine', his tastebuds must be completely evaporated by now.

To clean the dungeons. I've been putting it off for ages. It's amazing how quickly stuff gathers in the corners. Old victims. Discarded experiments. Pizza cartons. And this really weird heap of bubbly green goo that I'm afraid to examine closely and that I think may once have been a project I started on developing a new and monstrous lifeform in order to enslave all of Faerun. Either that or it's a *really* old yoghurt.

To buy a new black dress. I know I have about two dozen, but it's the traditional thing for a Mistress Of Darkness. Besides, it's slimming. After Solstice Dinner with the family I sure can use that.

To mercilessly slaughter all of my annoying relatives of the Pious family, particularly my despicable brother Sir Pompous Pious. Beast. I still haven't forgotten how he killed my poor kitty. And the others will get it too...I'll... Ooops. Somebody in the Crystal Ball.

It was Mum. Once *again* asking me when I'll finally settle down to get a *real* job (become a Knight) and meet some nice boy. (A Knight.) Didn't dare mention how I met this very hot bloke at the party yesterday. S...Sauerkraut or something. Or Sawron. Ron? Ronnie, maybe? Whatever. He had the cutest red and flaming eyes imaginable. Or was it just one? Head not working properly. Eyes of self looking pretty red too, actually, even *without* use of spell. Perhaps I should give the order to have my own head chopped off. That ought to cure the pain.

No, I think I'll just crawl back into bed and dream of Ronnie. What a babe...

13th of Hammer, 1373

I NEVER want to see Ronnie again! 'I really like you, but I am only for my ring?!' What's up with that?! Heh, I'd like to see that ring keep him warm at cold nights...

Oh, why do I always pick the wrong guys to fall for? Why can't I find a normal, decent guy who wants to drench the lands with the blood of the fallen along my side as we stride through the gates of burning cities?

And to make matters worse, not only am I out of some important spell-components, my butler just quit and took all the Nightshade tea with him... and I can surely use a cup of nice steaming-hot Nightshade tea right about now. And the nerve! He DARED to ask me for his last week's wages after deciding to leave... Mental note : have the next butler sweep the remaining pile of ashes under the rug.

Also, I've been interviewing several new villains for my band of evil mercenaries. I've only had four replies to my ad in the Evil Enquirer, though, so that was the first disappointment.

The first one was a green-speckled bug-man named Cell. He was certainly ambitious, saying he was built from the cells of the worlds' most powerful warriors and his goal was achieving nothing less than utter perfection. Still, as he left the room, he tripped over the coffee-table and fell flat on his face... Not a good sign.

The second one was a strange zombie with a hot flaming beard. He strode through the door as if he owned the place and almost burned my rare turmish tapestries in the process! Anyway, he said his name was 'The Demon Pirate' LaDuck. His resume contained a string of references, but unfortunately, his beard set the paper on fire before I could read all of them. And when I felt my make-up was melting from my face, I decided it was better to end the interview prematurely.

The third one was a mindflayer named, well, Grsssshiiyrtyuy... So after wiping all the spit from the wall after trying to pronounce his name, he sat down and waved his tentacles about... I didn't like the way he kept staring at my cranium as if it was his breakfast, but, so far, he was the best option.

Now, the final applicant was Lich, and boy was I enthusiastic when he told me his name. Vecna! For a moment I thought the awesome Lich-god would actually expand his career to work for little old me! I could already see the city burning in my mind's eye! But then came the isappointment... He told me, in broken common, that his name was not 'Vecna', ut 'Vekna'. Vecna's moronic inbred cousin, who 'Knowses a little magicksals stuff too...' What a let-down...

So, now I'm left to decide who I'm going to hire. Should I hire them all, one, two or none of them? Who knows... I tell you, it's hard to find good henchmen these days...

15th of Hammer

I decided to go for LaDuck and Vekna. The mindflayer kept staring at me in a very unsettling manner, and kept calling me 'Clarice'. When I told it my name was Petronella it just leered. Or at least I think that's what it did, it was a bit hard to tell with all the tentacles. I think it may have been deranged.

Cell was well-meaning, but once he came for his second interview he accidentally impaled himself on my stuffed unicorn. Very messy, I don't think that carpet ever will be quite the same.

Anyway, I got another applicant as well! A troll named 'Bill'. He tells me his secret ambition is to be a wizard, and then devise a new brand of crystal ball, one that can be used to dominate and enslave minds all over the world, bringing them heaps of agony and suffering in the process. And he even thinks he can get people to pay through the nose for the experience! He's either a genius or insane, possibly both. He says he'll call the thing 'Doors', since that's what people will want to throw it out of. I hired him on the spot.

On to more important matters. Ronnie called again, saying that he was sorry and that he wanted another chance. But I was cool and aloof, and told him that he could go play with his stupid old rings by himself. Then he wanted to show me the one he's got in his bellybutton, and for a moment I was tempted, but in the end I was strong. It sounded like he was crying when I broke the Crystal Ball Connection. MUAHAHAHAHA! So there.

17th of Hammer

For the third time this week, I was greeted with those terrible screeching sounds when I tried to use my Crystal Ball Connection. Turned out Bill was using my spare Crystal Ball in the war-room. So after I pulled his ear till he whined for mercy, he explained to me he was trying create some sort of network between Crystal Balls across the entire world and claimed he would be able to send large pieces of useful information to every other Crystal Ball. Unfortunately, the 'useful information' he was sending all over the world were pictures of topless half-orc warrior women... Apparently, Orcish raiders are willing to lay down their conquered treasures for those pictures... Hmmm, I am torn. Should I reduce Bill to ashes for using my precious Crystal Balls, or if I should collect the fees to add to my waning treasure trove?

And then I come to my next topic... My waning treasure trove... Yeah, it's been a tough year, but I got this wonderful deal on three trebuchets. Hey, what can I say? I have a soft spot for siege-engines, and these were in my favorite color too : Blood red... Still, I need money fast, or I won't be able to pay all my mercenaries at the end of the year.

Heh, and then there's the... protesters outside my tower at the moment. A semi-large group of people is worried about how my pillages and conquests might be affecting the local environment. I keep telling them there is no prove the rotting corpses of my enemies and the blood pooling into the ground affect the ground water and local flora at ALL, but they do not listen...

Hmmm, a chance to try out my new trebuchets...

25th of Hammer

The siege went well. Those environmentalists are now as much 'in touch with nature' as they could ever wish to be. As fertilizer, spread all over the ground, that is. *giggle* Now I can grow some lovely cacti and man-eating bushes around my Dark Tower. *That* ought to impress Mother.

As for Bill, I decided to let him live. He told me that he'd had a brilliant idea, and that he could sell advertising space over the Crystal Ball network. So now various firms send me gold, and in return I have Bill put in these annoying little 'Pop-Up Windows' that appear in people's Crystal Balls when they use them, hawking such wonderful items as 'Half-Orc Nude Picz', 'Make Money For Free Without Working Schemes' and 'Slimming Pills'. Not only do I earn money from it, I spread Darkness, Evil and Misery all over the world at the same time, without so much as lifting a finger! Truly Bill is a wonderful little troll. I must remember to feed him tomorrow.

Speaking of feeding, I have great news! There's an Evil Overperson Gettogether coming up next month! Yes, you got it Dear Diary! A chance to meet cute guys! Pity that sweet Sarevok got himself killed recently. *sulks* I really miss *him*. But there are certainly lots of other Evil Overlords in the sea. Or in the Abyss Club, as it were. Perhaps Ronnie will be there. No. Mustn't think about Ronnie.

No matter how attractive those flaming eyes are. Must be Strong, Independent Woman. That's it.

I wonder if he'll let me see his navel ring?

29th of Hammer

Dammit, now that the first earnings have been pouring in, the first setbacks are making their entrance. There was a letter pinned on the door this morning, stating the court of Cormyr decided Bill's newly set up LittleDaft trading coster has to be split into two separate organizations for legal reasons... HAH! Since when does evil follow 'legal advice'? Mental note : remember to dig a moat around my tower and fill it with acid and acid-resistant giant crocodiles to keep out the lawyers.

My thoughts have been returning to Ronnie lately... And since he won't show me his ring, I decided to get one myself... right through the navel. Now, that turned out to be a big, big mistake! Never trust a piercer with a piercing-machine that's even bigger than your body... And never, never trust a piercer named Jansen! So, now that the Wish-spell put my internal organs back in their normal place, I think it is time to take my precious trebuchets to the Gilbert Jansen Piercing Parlour. Mental note : Remember to capture the piercing machine and put it in my torture-dungeon.

Finally, to get my mind of things, I decided to visit a show yesterday... Another big mistake. Lousy entertainment by strange multi-colored furry puppets, though I must admit to snickering... at times. But by far the best part of the show was where the two old men sitting in a private balcony making sarcastic comments to the terrible comedian... Hmmm, I must invite them over to tea sometimes...

6th of Alturiak

Only two more days to go till the party! Oh, Ronnie won't believe his eyes when he sees me in my new and very revealing black dress! Not to mention the new perfume I brewed up. I think I'll call it Dark Essence. It's mainly the smell of blood and burning villages, with a little grilled halfling thrown in for good measure. That ought to drive Ronnie wild, he's got a serious hatred for halflings, don't ask me why. The time I asked him he just started twitching violently.

Diary, you won't *believe* the embarrassing thing that's happened! For some time now I've been contemplating the crossbreeding of a red and a white dragon, aiming for a breed able to withstand both heat *and* cold. That should help with my conquest of the world. Well, thanks to some gene-splicing I succeeded. Sort of.

I'd been waiting for the egg to hatch for some time, and yesterday it finally did. With a loud *crack* my unopposable Evil Dragon emerged...and it was...I can hardly say this...it was...pink. That's
right, diary. Pink. P-I-N-K. A bright pink dragon. Does it *get* more embarrassing than that? Pink does *not* fit the image of a Mistress of Darkness. I would have killed the little beast, but there was something about the way he hissed and winked his little pink eyes at me...I think he thinks I'm his mother. It all ended up with me feeding him a bottle of Balrog milk, the only thing he seemed to want to eat, and wondering just where the heck I went wrong with the breeding project. Do you have any *idea* just how tricky it is to milk a Balrog?

I think I'll call him Snuggles.

7th of Alturiak.

Dammit, dammit, dammit! I caught Vekna sneaking around in lab. Again! I still haven't figured out how he bypassed the seven acid-traps and the three heavy padlocks, but it seems I need better security.

That undead Lummox... Not only does he knock over all my potions, he accidentally switched Snuggles' milk bottle with Essence of Flies. I spent the better part of the week trying to figure out a fix for my beloved dragon... his head was temporarily transmuted into that of a fly.

*sigh* Snuggles ate every bit of sugar in my tower, including the chocolate Quasit I had been saving for a special occasion... I am certainly miffed at Vekna right now... If I come across him in the halls, I'll turn him into bone-meal!

Yesterday, I picked out new curtains with my henchman LaDuck. We managed to, ahum, liberate this lovely pattern before LaDuck's beard set the curtain shop on fire. Ah, blood red curtains with a guillotine motif will really improve my new luxury sitting room. Now, I only need some better furniture... Preferably strong enough to hold the weight of a Pink-dragon. I still haven't be able to teach him he's not allowed to sleep on the sofa.

As I'm writing, I'm still waiting next to the Crystal Ball... I haven't heard from Ronnie in over a week... One more hour, and then I'm waiting no longer... Or maybe two hours? Three? Another day? Another week?

8th of Alturiak

Ronnie *still* hasn't been in touch, and the party's tonight. *bites nails in terrible worry and anxiety* Must be calm. Calm and serene. Mustn't let him think I care. Perhaps just a drink or two before the party to calm nerves. It's only 6 am, I don't know how I'll stand the wait otherwise.

Mmmm...nice drink. Had the butler make a Troll Sweat and then a Dragon's Breath, plenty of kick to both. Feel better already. *giggles* Think I'll have another one...

Whoopsh! Am in really good schpirits now! Who cares about stupid Ronnie anyway? Him and his schtupid flaming eyes. He can go date a Tarrasque. Want more lovely, lovely Dragonsch Breath...

Ooooh! Can see two Schnuggles now, flickering schtrnangely. Wuzzup with tha? Gots only one dragon, right? Here Schnuggles, wanna taste schome of...Oops. Fell down. Funny. *Giggles till Dragon's Breath comes out of nose* Wannanotherone! *clunking noises* 'm goin to schleep now...

12 hours later: Eeeeek! It's 6 pm! Damnation and Destruction, I'll be LATE! Hair a fright, face splotchy, I look a COMPLETE mess. *pause* Well, at least my eyes are nice and red. Ronnie ought to like that.

9th of Alturiak

Well, that party turned out to be a great success!

The only disappointment was that that bitch Elaria, mistress of the Sharran cult in Thay, was wearing the same dress as I was, and she had the nerve to say I stole it from HER! Hah, we all know who's the sheeplike copycat, little miss Sharran!

And then there were the guys from the Twisted Rune, strutting around like they owned the place. I've never ever seen those guys in a non-megalomaniac state. Comes with the job, I think.

I did meet up with my old friend Matron Mother Zilvra Tegryna! Ah, nothing like catching up on old times. I remember we used to go out on the town together in our mage-academy days to break some hearts. Quite literally, actually. Anyways, we decided we'll keep in touch and relive those old days. She's got plenty of time now since she conquered her home city last month.

But that was the only high-light of the party. Ronnie didn't even bother to show up, and Sarevok's absence weighed heavily on the rest of us.

The light that lit the fuse, however, was when the members of the Cult of the Dragon turned up. *sigh* You try convincing a Dracolich he doesn't fit into the festhall... It turned into a fight which ended up in burning the entire town, and DAMMIT, I broke a nail!

Anyway, I spend the rest of the fight, errr, party sitting on the next to a passed out drunken Zilvra. I never knew she was such a boozehound... That might also explain why she got into a fist-fight with a half-elven bandit earlier.

All in all, I had a lovely time and I'm looking forward to next year's celebrations!

12th of Alturiak

Work is going well at the moment. Have started thinking about expanding my Evil Army. Question is, should I go with orcs or with human guards in visorless helmets? With orcs you certainly know what you get, and as long as you feed them and let them plunder you hardly need to pay them. On the other hand, you need to constantly terrorize them to get them to obey.

On the other hand, I got this *very* interesting offer from dear Lord Vapour. Seems he is thinking of retiring and start building golems instead, and spend more time with his children, and he apparently has a lot of elite soldiers that he's hardly ever used, except on quiet Sunday outings. 'Storm-poopers', I think he called them. Don't know how they're able to see where they're going in those helmets, but they come with these lovely, flashy guns included (not suitable for children under three, which of course means I'll have to hand one to a child under three and see what happens.) I just hope they know how to aim properly.

A very charming man, Lord Vapour, even if he's a bit older than I am. He knows this very handy strangling trick. He showed it on one of my members of staff as we were having tea, and I can't *wait* to try it myself. (Mental note: Must remember to write ad for new
butler.)

Maybe I could try it out on Ronnie for ignoring me. Even if he *does* have cute and flaming eyes. *breathes heavily*

15th of Alturiak

These new storm-poopers are working out wonderfully, despite the fact that some of them carry around a rotting fish for some reason. I need to requisition some new uniforms for them, though... Blood red uniforms, of course.

Let's see, I have a large amount of Storm-poopers, LaDuck, Vekna and Bill to lead them, and three powerful trebuchets to back them up. Hmmm, I think it's time to set them to work!

There's this... place... this happy, damnably cheerful place, that's also delightfully greedy. It's call Frisneyland, and I've been annoyed by its cheery lights and tourist trap tactics long enough.

Roll out the Trebuchets! I love the smell of burning mouse-costumes in the morning!

18th of Alturiak

My conquest of Frisneyland has been a huge success so far. The enemy offered some strong resistance, particularly the talking, clothed animals who were a major factor of annoyance. Especially the psychotic duck, who managed to tear off and swallow Vekna's new nose. I'm looking for a new one, but it's tricky. He seems to want them to get smaller and smaller, and if it gets much tinier it won't have room for nostrils.

Fortunately, LaDuck's flaming beard proved effective in keeping the beasts away, and I enjoyed an excellent dinner on roast duck with orange sauce that evening. Mmmmm.... And the three plump pigs shall be next. The wolf who set up the trap that led them into my waiting hands has been promised a share, but he seemed mostly to care about vengeance. Seems the little beasts tried to boil him alive. Hm, never knew pigs had such a capacity to be Evil Overlords...

The Stormpoopers worked out well. I'm not sure if they ever actually hit anything they were shooting at, but all those flashing lights and impressive noises flushed all the enchanted critters out of hiding for me. Still, some marksmanship training is in order. Perhaps I'll let them practise on Ronnie, who *still* hasn't called on me. Yes, that sounds like a promising idea.

The trebuchets were a true delight, raining down doom and destruction on the insufferable cuteness of Frisneyland. The dark and gloomy ruin they left behind, complete with large numbers of wailing ghosts of talking critters, shall be a fitting tribute to my waxing power.

Note to self: Must also remember to practise evil cackling laugh in front of mirror before I address the cowed survivors. And use some dimple removal cream. A Mistress of Darkness shouldn't have dimples, I'm sure. I blame my *stupid* paladin genes for that. Why couldn't I have had *normal* parents, like ferocious warlords or sinister sorcerers? It's not fair.

20th of Alturiak

Word of my success has spread across the Toril underworld! By Bane, I am so proud. More groups of thugs are knocking on my door everyday to join my cause! Could my dream of world conquest become reality? And, more importantly, will Ronnie finally call me?

Vekna is still having trouble with his nose. That nasal voice of his throws off his spell-casting even more than it usually did. Yesterday, he tried to enchant a metal box so it can be used to cook food, and he ended up zapping LaDuck's hat. If I hadn't come in and broke the fight, they would have burned my entire dungeon. LaDuck has calmed down after spending a whole day in a magic icecube, and Vekna is having a new nose fitted : The 'Cyrano'-model. He's not happy about it, but tough...

Ah, and then there's the newest addition to my little family of misfits. A group of twenty winged monkeys just flew in and applied for a position in my army. Apparently, their last mistress couldn't handle getting wet much and left them jobless after a surprise-rainstorm. They are good fighters, have sharp claws... but you DON'T want to know what they are doing to the statues on my lawn.

23rd of Alturiak

I'm starting to get really fond of those flying monkeys. Intelligent creatures, and tough too. There's one problem with them though. They seem to have a very hard time shaking off their last mistress'
training, and she apparently had them trained to scavenge for junk. Yesterday they brought me: 1) A scarecrow with all the hay coming out. 2)A big heap of scrap metal that looks like it could have been a small iron golem once upon a time, for some reason wearing a funnel on its head. 3) An old, and very moth eaten stuffed lion. 4) A small and annoying dog. 5) A small and annoying girl in a checkered dress and tasteless ruby slippers.

Well, the metal I gave to Bill to incorporate into his next fiendish invention, and Snuggles adores playing with the stuffed lion. The scarecrow I used to feed my Infernal Furnaces, so at least I saved a
little on this month's heating bill.

The dog was more of a problem. Small and annoying as I said, constantly yapping. I was severely tempted to disintegrate it, and probably would have. Except then the small and annoying girl with the braids popped out of nowhere and threw a pitcher of water in my face!

How rude can you get? I'd even considered making her my apprentice, since she does appear to have some magical talent (That dog *has* to be a crude familiar). And she repays me like that. Ungrateful,
fiendish, evil little...wait a minute. Hm. She probably *will* make an ideal apprentice after all. The more I think about Death-Dotty (that's her name), the more I see that certain evil glow in her blue
eyes. A black dress rather than a checkered one and I think she'll do fine.

Oh yes. Ronnie *finally* called me yesterday. Seems he lost his favorite belly-button ring and has been looking for it all over the place, to the exclusion of all else. And once he found it some thieving halfling had stolen it and pierced his nose with it, apparently. Poor Ronnie-kins is *very* upset about the whole matter, he was almost in tears about getting halfling snot all over his Precious. Spoke considerate words, but was careful not to seem to interested in seeing him once again. He has to *earn* that. He invited me to come see some fireworks at his Evil Fortress the dayafter tomorrow.

I said I'll think about it, using cool and disinterested voice to not let him notice I was grinning like an idiot at the sound of his voice. Hope it worked. I want him to call *me* Precious.

25th of Alturiak

Death-Dottie has been working out very well as an apprentice. She is very eager to learn, and has expressed a keen interest in Necromancy. Of course, I had to do something to improve her dress-sense, so I took her on a shopping-spree!

Of course, she bought about a dozen blood-red, skimpy dresses, plus some expensive, yet plain golden necklaces. Not to mention the new black velvet slippers, and the black hair-dye. Of course, LaDuck and Vekna keep insisting she now looks like a miniature version of yours truly, but hey? I look wonderfully evil, and now so does Dottie!

Now, Bill seems to have made something interesting out of that scrap metal my beloved monkeys brought me. Apparently, he has created a whole game where players attack each other with small tin miniatures. I didn't really see the use of it, until Bill suggested selling them to hapless tend-watching youngsters. And then, when they are hooked on the game, he'll produce and sell more figures, including rare and expensive models... Truly, Bill has discovered a new money-making masterpiece!

Anyway, Ronnie is still looking for his little ring... Now, I'll be meeting him with my army tonight to help look for that little piece of copper. *sigh* I'll have to keep my fingers crossed.

26th of Alturiak

Ronnie is SUCH a cutie-pie! We met last night, as agreed, and we sent out our respective Evil Hordes to scour the world. It took some time, during which we had an intriguing chat about the best way to reanimate dead knights, but then we struck gold. Or copper, in this case. One of Ronnie's pet Wraiths dragged in the sniveling wretch of a halfling, and my pumpkin took great pleasure in tearing the ring out of his nose without opening it first. It will have to be disinfected before he can use it again, but at least he has it back.

Now, the question was what to do with the halfling, but the problem solved itself since I'd brought along Snuggles, bless his pink hide. He's growing rapidly these days, he's the size of a pony already, and he needs lots of nutritious food. A plump halfling will put some extra shine in his scales I'm sure. I just hope it doesn't give him heartburn.

The sight of the halfling being gradually consumed seemed to give Ronnie great pleasure. He laughed a wonderfull evil laugh that made the walls shudder, red eyes glowing, and then he turned to me...and...and then he KISSED me! *blushes* That man is *hot*, in more than one sense. *swoons*

Am going to bed now in my loveliest black and lacy nightgown, hoping to dream about Ronnie the Lovegod! What a babe...

28th of Alturiak

DING-DONG, the bastard's dead!

I had a call from mumsy today. She appeared in my crystal ball completely grief-stricken to tell me that my brother got himself eaten by a DRAGON! Of course, I had to keep a brave face on for mum, but as soon as she broke the connection, I danced around the room in joy, doing some flips, somersaults and a few cartwheels to boot! Whoopee, that holier-than-thou bugger is dead! And, *snickers*, I'm sure he'll look a lot handsomer when he comes out the other end... Much more agreeable too... This one's for you, Kitty!

Anyway, I really have to track down that dragon to thank him properly. Hmmm, a nice gift of a spinning wheel that can spin straw into gold would probably suffice. Anyways, I threw a killer bash for all my dark minions today. We drank and danced and swore the night away, until Death-Dottie drank too much punch and threw up all over the carpet. Dammit, I just had that carpet cleaned. But it wasn't until LaDuck offered to dry the carpet by holding his flaming beard next to it.

And that's how I, and everyone else in the room, found out that Vekna had spiked the punch...

So after the fire-department had put out the raging inferno in my sitting room, I was forced to hit him over the head with a blunt object... fifty-seven times for luck.

Also, I have been hired... Normally, I would not demean myself to hired work, but this one pays incredibly high. Neighboring ruler Richard Nixus has asked my to have my flying monkeys place magical scying devices in the palace of his political rival. I just love intrigue...

 
Rogues do it from behind.




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