Shadows and Dust

Don't! The passion cry cut through Renai's conscious like the madman's silver blade, threatening to wake her from the deep recesses of her terror-induced stupor. Don't move! Hide! If He can't find you, He can't hurt you!

Renai quivered violently and curled up even tighter to protect her battered body. The physical pain she bore easily, with a grin and a mouthful of venomous epitaphs that she spat at Him as he worked. But it didn't take him long to realize that He couldn't break her that way. That's when the real torture began.

Stay down! Don't move! But beneath the screams were the scents of dust, aged paper, and warm wind and apples, coalescing into a memory that stirred Renai's curiosity enough to make her mind swim toward wakefulness. Mother! she cried, Father, here I am! Come get me, before He comes back again! Come get me before He hurts me!

When she opened her eyes, she saw Jaheira's sternly worried face above her, and some of the fear of coming out of the dark died below a surge of sheer relief.

"Jae," Renai managed to croak out, her voice too unused to speaking without screaming. I thought you were dead, she wanted to say but could not, He made me choose between you and Khalid, but He wouldn't say why, He just kept hurting me. I thought I had killed you because I picked you. But lying with her head pillowed in Jaheira's hard lap, all Renai could do was wonder why she never noticed before that Jaheira carried the same scent as her long-lost mother.

The druid gently smoothed back Renai's hair and helped her sit up. "I am glad you have finally awoken," she said. "I was not looking forward to dragging your weight around yet another day."

"What's happened?" Renai managed to get enough moisture in her mouth to speak. "Where ... where is ... " Before she could finish the sentence, a whirlwind of clutching arms and pink hair knocked her back against Jaheira.

"Oh, Renai, you're awake!" Imoen cried, bouncing Renai about as she hugged her. "I was so afraid you wouldn't wake up! I was afraid he'd killed you! I thought you were dead!" Too weak to resist the enthusiastic embrace and too relieved at the sight of her friends, Renai managed to put one arm around Imoen and looped the other behind her around Jaheira's neck to hug her, too.

Jaheira pushed Imoen away and sat up. "I do not know where our captor is, but I am sure he is close. We are not free yet," she said, brushing off her filthy brown skirt. "As it is, we have been captive for days. Weeks, perhaps. I am not certain. This place has altered my sense of time's passage."

"It was the day before Midsummer when we left Baldur's Gate," Renai said, shuddering. "Maybe I can count my scars and figure out what day it is." She hadn't meant to be funny, Jaheira laughed, and the sound of her dry chuckle banished some of the anxiety plaguing Renai's heart.

"From the look of you both, we have been here a year," Jaheira replied, gently tracing the path His blade had left along Renai's cheek. "You are very brave, child. Sometimes too brave. It would have been no shame to simply tell him what he wanted to know."

Imoen clutched so hard at Renai's at for a moment Renai could not breathe. "But he didn't ask any questions," she blurted out. "He just kept hurting and ... doing things to me. He didn't want anything except to hurt me!" The dark, haunted look in the girl's gray eyes made Renai want to cry, and she had not cried in so long. "Renai, why? Why did he do that?"

Renai let Imoen bury her face in her shoulder and weakly held her. She tried not to remember His voice of daggers that never stopped speaking about her power and her godly heritage. "I don't know, Imie," she whispered into the human girl's pink hair.

Jaheira shook her head. "We may navel gaze on the subject when we have the sun on our faces once again. Come." She pulled Imoen off Renai, then helped her stand.

"Agreed." Renai looked around her. They were in what looked like a library. Home, Renai thought, then saw the bodies of small creatures laying near the doorway. A lot like my last visit home. Imoen was dressed in the same tunic and breeches she had worn the night they were captured, although they were little better than rags now. Jaheira wore a badly dented suit of scale mail and a rusted scimitar at her hip.

On the floor nearby were a poorly made shortbow and dagger, and a quarterstaff that looked more like a tree branch than a weapon. "Do you know where we are?" she asked Jaheira. "And are you all right? Are you hurt?"

"I am uninjured. As for our whereabouts," Jaheira said, "we are in a dungeon." And she actually grinned a little.

Renai couldn?t help but smile back. Jaheira never made jokes. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Jae. I thought we were in a library. But then, I grew up in a library, so I think I'll find one everywhere I go."

"We did find this one, and it served us well as a place to rest." Jaheira's smiled faded as she looked through the dank, musty place. "I do not know where we are. I was unconscious when we were taken. I do not know how far we traveled."

"So how did we get here? The last thing I remember..." "The stuttering fool died with your name on his lips," He said as he watched Renai struggle to hold the heavy beam over her head. If she let her arms fall, He had told her, Dyanheir would die. "You led him to his death, with your need to rush from the city. If only you had waited, like he wanted. How many other deaths will you cause in your life?" When He threw the lightning bolt at her, she did fall. Her screams were not from the pain of the lightning. "I don't think you want to know what I last remember," she whispered.

"He was attacked," Imoen said. Her reedy voice became breathless as her words tripped from her lips, much like when they were schoolgirls and Imoen had to recite her lessons before their class. "I don't know who did it, but there were explosions everywhere, and my cell was damaged so I got out. I found you, but you wouldn't wake up. Then I found Jaheira, and she couldn't wake you up either. So we carried you, and we fought our way here." She made a face. "And that was without weapons. They probably sold all our good stuff. And we don't have anything for you. We couldn't carry you and your weapons."

Renai nodded. I have to find a bow. I need a bow. If I can't focus, then I can't think us out of here. She took a deep breath. "Where's ... where's Khalid? And Minsc and ..." She swallowed hard and in a small voice said, "He told me you were all dead."

Imoen and Jaheira exchanged a look that Renai could not read. "I do not know where Khalid is, and I admit it worries me," Jaheira said. The druid looked to Imoen to continue, but the human girl instead put her arm around Renai's waist and said nothing. "Dynaheir is dead, by our captor's hand. He... he tortured her to death."

"When?" Renai squeezed her eyes shut and made herself say, "When did she die?"

"I do not know. Shortly after we arrived, I think," Jaheira continued in a soft, haunted voice. "I witnessed her death. My cell was next to Minsc's. Our captor, he is a madman. He killed Dynaheir before Minsc's eyes to break him. And he did. Minsc is in a fugue state. He sees nothing, hears nothing. He sits and does not respond. When we escaped, we tried to awaken him, but we could not."

"He lied to me. He said it was me ..." Renai shook her head to clear it. "You left Minsc behind? Why?"

"Jaheira didn't have any healing spells. She had to rest before she had any. She couldn't heal you then," Imoen answered mournfully. "And we couldn't carry you and Minsc. And his cage was welded shut. We couldn't open it. Only Minsc could have opened it, and he wouldn't move."

"We could not stay. We do not know where are captor is or where he will find us." Jaheira took Renai by the arms, rubbing them gently. "It is regrettable, but it was the only way."

"Regrettable?" Renai pulled away from Jaheira's hands. "I didn't get you back just to leave Minsc behind! If he's alive, he's coming out with us!" Anger laced with the barest glimmer of hope coursed through her, lending strength to her weakened limbs. He lied to me! If He lied to me about this, then there's still a chance! I can still beat Him! She crossed the room to fetch the quarterstaff, then started toward the door. To her shame, she only walked a few steps before she had to lean on the staff for support.

"Where are you going?" Jaheira stood before her to block her path to the door.

"I'm going back for Minsc," Renai replied matter-of-factly, looking at Jaheira as if she were a fool.

But somehow the look that Jaheira employed so often on Renai did not work when done to her. "I did not want to leave him, Renai, but if we are to survive, then we must. For now. We will come back."

"No!"

"I tell you that he is beyond our reach now. He has buried himself in his mind to escape this place. Even his little hamster is gone. And you do not even know where you are. How will you find him? How will you open his cell?"

"I'm as strong as Minsc. Stronger, sometimes. He needs us, Jae, and I won't go without him!" Renai pushed her way past Jaheira.

The druid kicked the staff, knocking it out of Renai's hand. Without the support, Renai fell to the cold stone floor. "You are as weak as a new lamb now, and we have no time for you to regain your strength," Jaheira sat on her heels next to Renai and tried to caress her hair again, but Renai slapped her hand away. She didn't want to hear Jaheira's logical words, but she couldn't not. "I have used all my healing spells on you to bring you to this point, and weak as you are, you still must fight at our side for our lives. Would you endanger us all?"

Renai looked into Jaheira's eyes. "If it were Khalid in that cell, wouldn't you go back?"

Jaheira's flint-hard eyes became like diamonds. "You forget," she said stiffly, "that my husband's whereabouts are not known, and here I am still with you. It is my hope that we will find Khalid as we leave this place. If we do not, then I will come back with allies. I know that we cannot beat this enemy ourselves. And I know that Khalid wants me to live. Just as I would want him to live were I the one left in the cage."

The quiet dignity in Jaheira's voice robbed Renai of her will to move. I want to go home! a child?s voice in her mind wept. Why can't I ever have what I want? When will I ever feel safe again? I want to go home! But Renai marshaled her strength. No. No more of this. No more drama. If I cry, that means he's broken me, and whatever he's done to me, he hasn't done that. In a ragged voice, she said, "You have to stop bossing me around. You know I hate that."

Jaheira barked a short laugh in reply. "When you recover enough of yourself, you can do whatever in the Nine Hells you please. Now come. Can you stand? We must be on our way." She helped Renai to her feet but did not support her as they returned to Imoen.

"Have this really disgusting cookie Jaheira made." Imoen pressed the small, hard thing in her hand. "Did you know that she can make food and water from nothing?"

Renai bit into the wafer and made a face; it was disgusting. Jaheira snorted another laugh. "It is tasteless, but it will provide you with what you need to survive. A small spell. Your mother was better skilled as such things. She could make them taste like sweets."

Renai forced down the cookie and almost immediately felt better. She forced herself to grin at Jaheira. "This is almost as good as your cooking. Almost. It?s missing that distinctive taste of char that your cuisine usually has, though ... "

Jaheira smacked Renai lightly on the back of the head. "I see you are feeling better, and if you are, it is time for us to leave." Behind her, Imoen giggled; the mageling thief almost sounded like her old self. If not for Imoen's haunted eyes and the faint scars that crisscrossed her body, Renai would have pretended this was just another dungeon crawl for just another copper. But the loss of her foster sister's bright and bubbly confidence made reality too stark to ignore.

Renai held up her hand to halt them. "Before we go," she whispered, hanging her head, "I want to tell you both ... I want to say ... I'm sorry. For this. I'm just ... I'm sorry." There was so much more she wanted to say: please leave me behind so He doesn't hurt you, He only wants me because He thinks I'm a Bhaalspawn, I'll die before I let Him hurt you again. But the words wouldn't come.

Jaheira sniffed loudly. "This is not your fault, child. I place blame on that boy in Baldur's Gate." She turned to Imoen. "What was his name? Ah yes, Taran. If he had not pestered Renai so for her attentions, she would not have been in such a hurry to leave, even before we could celebrate Midsummer."

"And what a Midsummer, nothing but rain all day. I blame the weather," Imoen said. Renai could hear the false cheer in her voice. "You know what they say about bad weather on Midsummer. It's bad luck."

"The weather does as it will," Jaheira replied. She put the quarterstaff back in Renai's hands. "It is not to blame. But should I return to the Gate, that boy will feel the back side of my hand for bothering you. Even if he is not to blame, it makes me feel the better for blaming him. Now come." Tugging lightly on Renai's arm, she lead them out of the library.

After a few steps, Imoen whispered into Renai's ear, "He really didn't want you to go, y'know. I think he really liked you. Maybe if you'd given him another chance ..." Renai glared at her, and Imoen bit her lip and quieted. She didn't want to talk about Taran and, she realized with a small pang of guilt, she had not even thought about him since before they were captured. Why should I? We just had a few tendays. It was just a fling. She hadn't even told Imoen how serious her relationship with Taran, a handsome burglar allied with the Shadow Thieves in Baldur's Gate, had started to become. Because it didn't get serious, dammit. It wasn't supposed to be. Jaheira was right when she said Taran was the reason Renai had pushed to leave the Gate so early, but Renai knew the decision to leave, and therefore the fault of their capture, was still hers. Maybe if I had just told him, 'I don't love you, I don't want more,' maybe ... but no, I had to be a coward and run off in the night. ... Maybe Dynaheir would be alive if I had just been honest with Taran.

Lost in her remorseful thoughts, Renai didn't notice where they had gone until a rough voice rang out, "Be alert, laddies! We've got company. Ho, prisoners! Ye've come to th' wrong place, I tell ye true! Ilyich and 'is boys'll stop you!? She looked up and saw they were in a small smithy. Scattered around the room were seven dark dwarves, ready to attack.

Jaheira put her hand on her scimitar's hilt. "We've no quarrel with you duergar," she said evenly. "Let us be and we shall do the same for you."

"We'll not be doin' that, lassie." The duergar leveled his crossbow at Jaheira's head. "This place be your doom. By the time the master returns you shall be dead and us rewarded. At 'em lads! No mercy!" With a collective roar, the seven dark dwarves attacked.

In the haze of past regrets and present fears, Renai found the quarterstaff whirling in her hands, found her body dodging crossbow bolts without conscious thought. From the corner of her eye, she saw Jaheira separate the head of a dwarf from his shoulders with a slice of her scimitar. From the shadows, Imoen appeared behind another and stabbed him in the back. As her staff rained blow after blow upon her foes, Renai felt some of the strength flood back into her body. It felt good to fight, after she had spent so long cowering in the dark. Too quickly the battle was over, and Renai found herself clutching the quarterstaff, shaking in her ragged boots from fatigue.

"Hey look!" Imoen cried. She and Jaheira had been rifling through the pockets of the dead dwarves around them. Small seeds, a variety of shapes and sizes, spilled into her palm from a small velvet pouch. Imoen sniffed them dubiously, then picked one up and bit down on it.

"Do not eat them, child." Jaheira shook her head. In her hand was a shoddy longbow and a small quiver, which she gave to Renai. "There are acorns among them, and they will kill you if you eat enough."

"Nuh-uh," Imoen said. "If they're so poisonous, how come squirrels eat them all the time?"

With a bow in her hands and a quiver on her back, Renai began to feel stronger. She grinned at Imoen. "Did you grow a bushy tale out of your bottom when I wasn't looking? You're not a squirrel, Imie."

Imoen sighed. "I'm just so hungry. I can't remember the last time I ate any real food."

"Me, either." Renai echoed Imoen's sigh. "When we get out of here," she said, and just saying it put hope back into her heart, "we're going to the first tavern we find and eat until we bust."

"Oooh." Imoen put the seeds back into their pouch. "Chicken with dumplings with yams, and apple cobbler for dessert."

"Roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy and carrots," Renai said, trying not to drool. "Oh, and chocolate cake with whipped cream. We've gotta have that."

"Do you remember Winthrop's pot roast? That was sooo good. I always came home in time for dinner when he was serving that."

"Oh yes. And he always served that herb bread that he baked up fresh with that. Oh man, that was Father's favorite thing, just that bread.

"Will you two be quiet?" Jaheira snapped. She stood at the end of the corridor, tapping her foot impatiently. "You drive me to madness with such talk of food."

"Sorry, Jae."

"Sorry, Jaheira."

The druid turned, but over her shoulder said, "Liver and onions, with fried gizzards. That is what I want when we are free of this place."

Imoen and Renai exchanged a look, then together whined, "Eeeewwww!" Imoen stuck her finger down her throat and made a gagging sound. They could see Jaheira's shoulders tighten even through her armor. Renai laughed; she did feel better. It was almost like old times. But when their laughter died and all that could be heard was the sound of their footfalls padding across the cold stone floor, Imoen whispered into Renai?s ear, "Do you think we'll get out of here?"

When I last closed my eyes I thought I'd be dead today. I wake up and everything's different. I don't know what to think anymore. Renai put her arm around Imoen's thin shoulders. "Sure."

"Are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Sure." Renai smiled but Imoen didn't. "It'll be all right, Imie. We're alive. Life means hope, right?"

"Yeah, that's what Gorion always said. It's just that ... if I hope and he gets us again, I don't know if I can take it." Tears welled up into Imoen's eyes. "I don't know if I could get out again. The pain in my head is getting worse."

Renai gently touched the back of her hand to Imoen's forehead "What kind of pain?" She didn't feel a fever, and the girl was moving normally, but her eyes were filled with pain.

Imoen didn't look at Renai, and in a quiet, self-absorbed voice, she said, "It isn't like a normal pain. It's on the inside, like my bones are made a of daggers and it won't go away." She blinked hard and looked at Renai. "Don't look at me like that. It just hurts, all right? I'll be fine."

Taking a deep breath, Renai cleared her mind and focused on her heart, trying to find the small well of divinity that dwelled in her soul. Healing magic flooded from that spot into her hand, then washed into Imoen. The girl shivered, but the shadow stayed in her eyes. "'sall right, Renai. Don't worry about me," Imoen said softly, then squeezed Renai's hand before she joined Jaheira in front of them.

Don't worry about you, Renai thought. She watched two women walk together and remembered Dynaheir's willowy grace, her placid stare and her saintly patience. How can I not? I have fewer people to worry now, Imie. And I'm not going to lose you, too.

But in the black of her heart, she heard Him laughing. Do you not realize yet what you are, Bhaalchild? Do you not tire of watching the ones you claim to love die? You are death walking as you are. The more you resist, the more danger you impose upon them. In time, when you come to understand, you will thank me for what I am doing. And then you will love me.

Renai felt tears behind her eyes, but she pushed them away. She had not cried since she lost her mother, so many years before. Whatever He had done to her, this man with the false face and the diabolical eyes, He had not reduced her to tears. He's made me scream, and He's made me afraid, but He hasn't made me cry. And I will be Bhaal's child before I let Him do that.