I hope this hangs together as a single chapter fairly well. Things happened that I didn't expect, but it's got Jan in it, so I should have known.
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LXI. Fire and Ice
Nalia found herself less and less able to concentrate as the noon hour approached. She had just put away her scroll in disgust when Jan and Minsc walked into the inn. The mage found herself relieved to see them. She felt, well, a little envious of Minsc. The ranger seemed to like the Jansens a lot, and Jan and he had developed some kind of rapport in spite of --- or perhaps because of--- Minsc's mental troubles. But here Jan was supposed to be her tutor, even if it was only a technicality designed to keep the Cowlies and Isaea off their backs, and yet he'd never asked her to go meet his mother. Of course, now that Boo was in the picture, who knew what might happen?
She wondered what Minsc would be like if he were a bit quicker on the uptake. Ha! She bet he'd have girls fawning all over him in no time, if he had even half as many brains as muscles. Nalia tried to see herself taking up with Minsc in that case, and decided it just wasn't in the cards. She'd always remember the days when Boo was a hamster, and for her the memory would be insurmountable. Idly she wondered if Minsc and Dynaheir had been, well, "together". He didn't talk like it, but what did she know about that?
Nalia sighed wistfully. She was seventeen, and she didn't want to get married yet, but it was sure rough not even having someone to go dancing with. How had Patricia managed all these years? The monk didn't even seem to notice men as men at all. Kinda weird when you thought about it, especially for a woman with her kind of beauty. Funny; she'd liked Tisha when she met her, but she hadn't thought she was exceptionally pretty then. Ever since they'd left the Keep, though, Patricia had just seemed to, well, sort of bloom. She'd seen how even Isaea looked at the monk.
Keldorn, now--- well, he was a paladin, and had a pretty wife himself by all accounts, so she understood why he ignored the monk. Anomen was harder to figure; he seemed to be mad at Tisha for something at least half the time, but the other half he spent staring at her like a moonstruck calf, when he thought no one was looking. Nalia thought it was just plain unfair. How was she ever supposed to even meet anyone if all she did was crawl around sewers all day, study dusty scrolls, and constantly stay on guard against Jan's practical jokes?
Speaking of the gnome, he and Minsc were coming up to her now. Nalia watched them warily. Last night Jan had balanced a pail of water on top of her door, so she got drenched when she tried to enter her room. She was sure it was him, because none of the others were skilled at picking locks. The night before that, she'd found a toad in her bedroll. It would pay her to be on the lookout for any other tricks.
"Thanks for the rinse, Jan," she said. "Don't forget the shampoo next time, though."
He smacked his forehead with his hand. "Drat it! I knew there was something missing! I left my bottle of Turnipex, the best dandruff cure on Faerun, at Ma's house!"
"Let me guess. The primary ingredient is… turnips," she said resignedly.
"Not turnips, turnip greens, in this case. And coal tar, for that extra tang."
"Of course," she nodded. No wonder he stank so right after allegedly having a bath! She and Tisha hadn't been able to figure it out. She had to admit his curly hair and beard were on the luxuriant side, though, so maybe the stuff actually did work.
"Anyway, my little pupil, how's the studying coming? Where's the Tin Man? I overheard Tisha telling you to keep him busy."
"Oh, so it's not enough to booby-trap my room, now you're listening at keyholes too?" she demanded. "Jan, you are just impossible!"
"No, just highly unlikely," he grinned back, unruffled. "We commoners don't have much time for the social graces, unless we're trying to scrounge our next meal off you nobles."
"Stop it with the noble business!" she snapped, finally goaded too far. "If I wanted to be a so-called noble, would I be tramping around with you? Is it my fault I was born to a rich family and you weren't? You've got a good few centuries more of life coming than I do--- with all that time before you, don't you think maybe you'd be better off trying to earn your own pile than simply grousing about us short-timer humans?"
He didn't react at all the way she'd expected. "Good job, Nally. I was hoping you'd get past thinking you were born noble just so you could save the world from itself. You stick up for your kind, and I'll stick up for mine. We're all just looking for a bigger, better turnip somewhere out there."
She stared at him. "Let me get this straight," she said. "You're telling me that putting a frog in my bedroll and pouring water on my head is your way of illustrating a philosophical concept?" She found her voice rising with incredulity.
He shrugged. "The subtler forms of gnomish theological and magical theoretical analysis are often disguised within a series of practical jokes. It's the way Garl made us."
"SO nice of you to have informed me of this!" she snarled. "Here I was just thinking you hated me!"
He looked genuinely taken aback. "Nalia, I'm sorry. I guess I thought you knew. How could you miss seeing it when you came over to Ma's?"
"Probably for the simple reason that you have never invited me to your home, Jan," she said. Deities, she hoped that didn't sound pathetic!
He opened and closed his mouth a few times like a fish. She'd never thought she'd see Jan at a loss for words! "I haven't?" he said finally.
"Not once," she replied.
"No, you have not," Minsc rumbled in agreement. "Minsc wondered why you kept getting angry when you told stories. You kept saying, 'Well, any comments from the turnip gallery?', and got mad when nobody said anything."
"I thought you were right behind me," Jan said apologetically to her. He brightened. "Well, hey, why don't I take you home now? I bet Ma'll jump at the chance to cook up a mess of fish & turnip chips!"
She couldn't help showing her repulsion. "Jan, the only food I hate more than turnips is fish. I refuse to believe that there is any palatable way to prepare either, even if Tisha makes it. So thanks very much, but no thanks." She hated to look so snotty, though. Maybe there was something--- she had it! "Tell you what, why don't we do something nice for your mother like take her out for lunch?"
The gnome shook his head. "No can do, Nally. She's watching the twins today."
Nalia opened her mouth to suggest that the kids come along too, then abruptly shut it. She'd heard horror stories from her schoolmates about having to look after their younger siblings for a few hours on the nursemaid's afternoon out… she distinctly remembered grape jelly and spiders forming a large part of at least one such gruesome account.
"Errrr… how 'bout we get Annika to send over some cakes, then?" she said weakly.
Jan grinned. "Much the best plan, Nally! Come on, pupil, I'll take you over to the Den of the Seven Vales and let you have the afternoon off to run around the Promenade. It'll still be educational--- I'll show you all the wonderful inventions on display. I bet you've ignored them for years!"
"You mean that ridiculous wooden contraption with wings?" she said. "No way, Jan. I am not going to be lectured to today!" She stopped, remembering her morning's work. "But I do need to pick up some spell components from Ribald… okay, I'll go. You're coming too, aren't you, Minsc?"
"Boo said I should stay with Jan while he is gone," he said a little mournfully, "so I guess so. But are you sure we cannot find even a small evil to smite?"
Nalia reached over and patted him comfortingly on the arm. "You can practice spitting all the sewer rats we come across on the point of your sword, okay?"
Minsc sighed. "It is not the same, but Minsc will protect you from the squeakers nonetheless. I wish we could leave the city. I miss the squirrels and deer of the forest, even the sleepy brown bear."
As they entered the Promenade, Nalia noticed a small boy hanging around the fountain. He seemed to be looking for someone, and when he saw Minsc's huge form sauntering past, he gazed after him hopefully. She felt sorry for him; he looked so young and lost and alone. Just like me, she thought. Instinctively she smiled at the boy, and at the acknowledgement, he timidly approached them.
"Umm... excuse me, sir," he said to Minsc. "Y-y-you... you look like a warrior. Are... are you a warrior? C-c-could you help me?"
"Minsc is the greatest of warriors, small one! I will crush your foes into little foe-shaped chunky bits! Who dares pick on you? Just point the way!" the ranger replied heartily.
Unsurprisingly, the Rashemite's exuberance seemed to only frighten the boy more. "I... I don't have any foes, sir."
"No foes? I am relieved. I trust those who prey on children no farther than they can be thrown, even if I manage to throw them pretty far, and throw them I shall!" Minsc hesitated. "Then what do you need a warrior for when you have no foes?"
The boy tried hard, but he couldn't quite repress a sniffle. "I'm lost, sir. I was sent to f-f-find somebody who could help my village, but I've had all my things stolen and n-n-nobody can help me!"
Nalia saw with disgust that Jan was looking impassive. All right then, she'd take over the situation! Now what would Tisha do? First things first… "What's your name?" she asked.
"Delon, miss," he replied.
"Okay, Delon," she said, "come on over here. We'll sit down on the edge of the fountain and you can tell us where you're from and why your village needs help."
"I'm from Imnesvale in the Umar Hills. People h-have been disappearing. Some of them have t-t-turned up, but they're all turned inside-out and mad."
"Minsc has been inside out and angry, before, and it is never a good thing. Sometimes it frightens even Boo."
The boy looked understandably confused. "N-no... not mad as in angry, sir. Mad as in c-c-crazy."
"Oh!" said the ranger. "Minsc has never been crazy, no sir. Being inside out was bad enough!"
Nalia had had enough. "Minsc, just shut up, okay?" She turned back to the boy. "I'm Nalia, Delon. Is there anything more you can tell me about the problem?"
"Well, even worse, everyone says they seen strange b-beasts out in the hills. Everyone's so frightened! There's even t-t-talk that Umar herself has returned!"
The mage tried hard to be patient. "What sorts of strange beasts do these people say they've seen?"
Delon frowned. "People have been saying lots of things. Some say it's creatures made by magic... others say it's just a big wolf pack huntin' in the hills. Please, can't you help us?"
Nalia looked at her companions. Minsc was obviously ready to charge off that minute, but Jan just stood there with his arms folded, watching her. Well, so what if he did think she tried too hard! It was better than not doing anything at all! She made a quick decision.
"Well, Delon, I think you should come with us. We were just going to get some lunch, and later we're going to meet some other friends of ours. I think they'll be very interested in your story. I can't promise right now, but I think they'll probably want to help once we explain." She expected the boy to be grateful, but she saw a small frown cross his face.
"No thank you, miss," he said. "My mamma would be awful mad if I did."
At first she felt insulted, but then light dawned. He'd probably been warned about going off with strangers. The boy was smarter than she'd have been at his age, but she'd been far too sheltered. "Well, I tell you what, Delon. We can't have your mamma getting mad. Do you know where the temple of Ilmater is near here?"
As she'd expected, mention of the Crying One brought a look of relief to his face. "Oh, yes, miss! Mama always said that if anything bad happened to me, that's where I should go. The priest there gave me a pallet last night when someone took my things."
She was relieved herself. Good; the Ilmateri would have fed him something, too. "Well, after we meet our friends, we'll come back to look for you here. If you're not here, we'll go to the temple. Okay?"
"Okay!" he agreed enthusiastically. "Thanks, miss!"
She gave him a troubled frown. "It may be after dark before we come back. Promise me you'll go back to the temple by then."
"No flies on me, miss! I done heard too many bad things about this place. 'Sides, I don't know where else I could get a meal," Delon admitted.
She smiled. "I promise, I'll be back by tomorrow morning at the latest." Impulsively, she reached out and ruffled the hair on his head, only to be rewarded with a sour look. Heh, a scamp after her own heart!
She stood up. "'Bye, Delon. See you later."
As they moved off, Jan gave her a penetrating look. "Not too bad, Nally, but you shoulda got him to tell us how much the reward is."
"Reward!" she said indignantly.
"Yeah, reward," Jan responded calmly. "I'm trying to follow your advice and earn my own pile, Nalia. I got a widowed mother and a crazy uncle to support, you know. I don't take risks for nothing."
She opened her mouth, then shut it again. Somehow she thought it was safest not to say anything. Surely Jan wasn't really paying attention to what she said? That'd be a first.
They were all rather uncharacteristically silent at lunch. Nalia was thinking about Jan's strange behavior and Delon's story, Minsc was shoveling food in at a prodigious rate, and Jan actually seemed to be thinking himself.
She was lucky enough to be able to find all the supplies she needed at the first few shops she tried, so it wasn't long before they were ready to head back to the slums. The mage was musing on how best to apply her new knowledge when she realized that Jan had taken a turn that led them out of the main streets and down a small alleyway that lay in deep shadow at this hour of the afternoon. "Hey, what's the idea?" she asked.
"Shortcut," was his terse reply. "I've got short legs, and you're always whining about your dogs barking, so I thought I'd save us a few steps."
Minsc was trailing the others by a few feet, but now he caught up. "Nalia, some follow. I hear them. Boo would not like where you have brought us, Jan."
Nalia signaled the ranger to shut up, and tried to localize the sound herself. More than four people, probably… not good. Negligently she fingered her bow. If she pulled an arrow from her quiver, it would probably trigger an attack. She found herself wishing very much that Keldorn or even Anomen were here. No mugger would be stupid enough to go after a guy with the symbol of the Radiant Heart blazoned across his chest.
"Phlegm's Asteroids?" she whispered quietly to Jan, as they kept walking. He shook his head.
"Try a Sune Special," he instructed. "I'm going for a Pratfall."
Aw, I'm stuck using blazing arrows again? How come he gets to have all the fun with spells? The thought had barely crossed her mind when six cloaked shapes suddenly materialized out of the gloom. She had an arrow nocked before she was even consciously aware of reaching for her quiver. There was no parleying; the moment she saw a pair of slim hands at the back of the pack start gesturing, she let fly. Minsc had rushed to form the point of their triangle, trying to shield Jan so he could get to his work. Nalia fired three more times in swift succession, noting with satisfaction the pained cries that accompanied each shot. Three of their attackers were now lit by small blazes flickering merrily where her missiles had shot home. Slimhands had lost whatever that first spell was, and was now struggling to start another.
Minsc's huge sword gave off sudden sparking flashes as it caught the glow of the burning arrows on its polished blade. It struck once, twice, and one of the forms fell lifeless. Jan's spell materialized along the ground, a faint rainbow sheen catching the firelight, and then suddenly all their foes were slipping and sliding, trying desperately to remain upright. Slimhands fell to what passed for pavement in this filthy byway, as did two more, and a blazing arrow suddenly caught the layer of grease on fire.
Mechanically Nalia continued to draw her bow, stunned by the sudden gruesomeness of the scene before her. The sheet of flame must have been agony to crawl through, and the slippery grease was coating their opponents' clothes with more fuel. Suddenly she stopped. The buildings on either side!
Frantically she fumbled at her waist for her canteen, flicking a few drops onto her hand, then bent to grab a pinch of dust from the ground at her feet. She straightened, took a deep breath, and launched into the incantation. A stray arrow from one of the last two combatants whistled by her ear, but she held her voice steady until the last word was said. Suddenly the air was frigid as Nightal, and blinding grey sleet poured down over the grease, making movement even more difficult. More importantly, it extinguished the blaze that had threatened to burn down the entire block.
Jan had switched to using his crossbow, aiming bolts to aid Minsc. The last man standing went down under a stroke from Minsc, but the enemy reflexively fired his own longbow as he died, and Nalia suddenly found herself awash in a blazing agony so sharp she thought at first she had been stung by a scorpion or set on fire herself. She gazed down at her side in shock, watching as a sizzling, smoking circle expanded around the arrow protruding from her side. In a daze she saw her clothing melting, her skin first exposed, then rapidly reddened and eaten away by the acid coating on the missile… then she fainted.
She woke up with her head on Minsc's lap. The ranger's and gnome's faces were leaning over her, wrinkled with concern. Why, Jan actually looked upset! Memory returned then, and fury with it. Well, he'd better look upset, after getting them into this! As she moved, she felt a damp gooeyness soaking the back of her clothes. Oh, yuck!
"You idiots! Couldn't you at least have moved me out of the muck?" she asked. She sat up, then looked down at where the arrow had been. Instantly she drew her knees up to her chest. "You crazy gnome, I am going to kill you unless you have a cloak in your pack I can wrap around me until we get back to the Coronet! I can't be seen like this!"
Jan looked hangdog. "Sorry, Nally. Here." He handed her Minsc's all-enveloping burnoose, which neatly camouflaged the fact that her dress now exposed most of her midriff. He brightened. "But just think what a story we'll have to tell!"
Nalia got up and stalked away, holding Minsc's cloak tightly closed. Splinters, she decided. I'll use teeny-tiny splinters under his nails. And then I'll soak them in alcohol and let him scream. And then I'll shave his beard and his head and leave him to roast his skull in the sun for a few days. After that, I'm going to stick him in a tub of cold salty water and laugh while his skin peels off…. Or at the very least, I'm going to plan the biggest, baddest practical joke that any gnome has ever seen and humiliate him in front of his family. Yeah, that'd do it. Something involving fire and ice….
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I chose to use the PnP version of the Ice Storm spell, which allows you to choose sleet as an alternative to hailstones. And Melf spelled backwards is Flem--- Jan and Nalia have worked out a small code they use to signal their intent to the others.
