Jump to content


Photo

30. Rollercoaster of Doom


  • Please log in to reply
No replies to this topic

#1 Weyoun

Posted 03 November 2002 - 09:50 AM

Writer's comment : LOL! Oh, another one of Jan's great inventions leads to trouble. A standard, but funny recipe. :)

 
Roller coaster of Doom

"But I wanna go outside to play with my friends!" Vierna insisted, as they sat in her room. Amn had been going through a particularly nasty heat wave the last few days, and even the cool stone of the Keep was being penetrated somewhat by the unrelenting heat.

"Out of the question," Viconia said as she rubbed a flowery smelling herbal skin protecting salve over Vierna's exposed skin. "You may only go out near dusk, when the sun's intensity has lowered. Until them, you must remain inside..."

"But..." Vierna pouted.

"Look, little one," Vierna replied, being gentle but still intending to put her foot down on this matter, "going out into the sun at a time like this could seriously damage your skin and eyes..."

"Awwww," Vierna pouted, "but I have this salve now, and we were all going swimming in the lake!"

"But when you go swimming the salve will wash off, and you'll be in an even worse position when you run around in the sun all wet!" Viconia stressed. "You can go swim in the lake this evening and..." Viconia sighed, knowing what would come, "... you WILL wear your sun hat."

"Awwww," Vierna sighed and glanced over at the large reed sun hat hanging from the bedpost. "I don't wanna wear that stupid sun hat! It keeps flying off my head, so I can't even run..."

"No sun hat," Viconia replied, "no playing outside. Don't you remember what happened last year? Your arms turned red-gray!"

Vierna grimaced when she remembered when her arms turned 'owie' last summer. She turned to lie on her belly and slammed her head down on her pillow. "Why do I have this stupid skin?"

"Hey, don't talk like that," Viconia smiled. "You should be proud of being a Drow! Last week you were telling everyone how pretty your skin is!"

"But last week I could play outside," Vierna pouted.

"Ah, you're here," Karis smiled as he passed Vierna's room. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he sat down next to Vierna's bed after sharing a quick kiss with Viconia. "I was looking for you two..."

"And how are you dealing with this heat wave, sinssrig?" Viconia asked, thankful for the change of subject.

"I'm taking the day off and will probably spend the rest of the day in the barracks with the guards. It's the coolest place of the keep, especially now that Imoen has buckets of magical ice placed about. She's doing the same with all the graneries and foodstores across our lands, so the food won't spoil," Karis said. "Say, might Selune know how long..."

"My goddess doesn't do weather reports, sadly," Viconia sighed.

"Just asking," Karis smiled.

"Daddy?!" Vierna suddenly spoke up. "Can I go play outside, please?"

"Sorry, kiddo," Karis smiled apologetically. "But I'm with your mother on this one. The sunlight is simply to intense..."

"Awwww," Vierna pouted and lay down on her pillow again.

---

Viconia was sitting in the dining hall, trying to read a book but having trouble concentrating because of the heat. With a disgusted sigh, she tossed it onto the table and decided to lie prone on one of the sofas for a short nap. Sleep announced itself rather quickly, and before she knew it, she was blinking in and out of consciousness. Still in a state of half-awareness, she experienced the odd feeling of someone staring at her. Opening her eyes, she saw a certain gnome standing next to the sofa wearing a pleasant grin.

"Taking a nap there, Vicky?" Jan chuckled. "I shouldn't wonder. All that doing nothing all day must be tiring for a lady of your stature."

Cursing herself for not hearing the gnome approach earlier, she sat up and managed to shoot the gnome one of her most evil looks she could muster. Unfortunately, the gnome was unphased.

"I do plenty all day, gnome," Viconia retorted. "And I do not need... Wait a minute!" Viconia added while noticing Jan's thick clothes. "You're wearing those clothes, so why are you not sweating like the proverbial pig in the sun?"

"Ah, that's mostly because of my thermal underwear!" Jan replied. "30% Cotton, 30 % Turnips and 40% Griffin-saliva..."

"I don't even want to know," Viconia asked.

"Yes, many young gnomes gave their lives to gather the griffin-spit used in my perfectly regulated and spiffy long-johns," Jan replied.

"I told you I don't want to know," Viconia snarled this time.

"Anyway, besides delivering a fresh batch of Ma's turnip-cookies for Vierna, I stopped by to show you the latest innovations made by yours truly!" Jan announced.

"Now," Viconia sighed, "you know I hate all your inventions, and you know I'm always quite vocal about it, so why do you even bother to return whenever you've made new ones?"

"Call me a masochist, really," Jan chuckled. "Besides, there's always something interesting that happens..."

"Like me breaking my leg," Viconia snarled, recalling the wheelie-shoe incident.

"For example."

"Like me getting the clothes pulled off my body when my robe got caught between some grinding gears?"

"Now that was VERY interesting!"

"Like me getting caught in an explosion of black soot?"

"There was that..."

"And then there was the time we were both caught in an artificial sandstorm?"

"Well, it's good against locusts," Jan replied. "But you might be interested in these one. I've fallen back on an ancient tradition of inventing : Children's toys!"

"Oh, dear Selune," Viconia sighed.

"I've got three ready for your approval!"

"And you will leave me alone when I've taken a look at them?" Viconia sighed.

"Yup! They're in the courtyard!" Jan replied. Viconia took a huge glob of the herbal salve and smeared it over her face and neck. Then, she wrapped a huge white cloak around her body and put on a sun hat before following the gnome outside.

---

"Here they are!" Jan announced his three contraptions. One was a ball, the other a vehicle of some sort and the third was a small round bath-like structure.

"Great," Viconia muttered. "Can we get on with it?"

"Yes, take a look at this!" Jan said as he produced an ordinary yellow ball.

"Jan," Viconia sighed. "That's a ball. It's nothing new. Children all over the world have one!"

"Ah, but not this one!" Jan said. "Imagine, if you will, a group of happy children playing with their ball, when, suddenly, a huge, towering troll jumps from the bushes, intent on eating the poor kiddies! But, no fear! Just press this little button here," Jan said and pressed a little button on the ball. Immediately, several razor-sharp spearheads were thrust out of the ball with great speed, making it look much like a yellow porcupine. "And your toy becomes a high-yield and powerful magic attack-weapon!"

"Are you NUTS!" Viconia snarled. "You can't let children play with that! What if a kick against that thing sets it off?!"

"Well, that'll just be bad luck, really..." Jan replied.

"NEXT!" Viconia snarled, gently taking the ball and tossing it into a nearby trash-bin. Immediately after landing, several sharp spearheads were suddenly rammed through the metal of which the trash bin was made.

"Well, this one might be more successful," Jan said, while noticing little Vierna staring into the courtyard with interest. After taking a moment to wave to her, Jan took the next invention. It was an open cart, seemingly made from bars of hollow metal. The thing had four wheels and two wooden seats. A steering-wheel and two pedals were in front of the left seat as well. "I call this a 'skelter'," he said and sat into the left seat. Putting his feet to the peddles, he started to drive the skelter in circles around the courtyard. "See, you use your own feet for locomotion, and it's really fun to ride this thing downhill..."

"Really?" Viconia said and looked on with genuine interest. "It seems you've finally invented something that might actually be useful for someone..."

"Glad you approve for once," Jan beamed. "Now, let me introduce you to my third invention!" Jan led Viconia to the bath. It was a shallow, sky-blue playbath made from a strange substance. It was filled to the brim with water. "Made from a substance from Maztica called rubber, this little beauty could make lake, river or ocean deprived children of Toril happy beyond believe!"

"Hmmm," Viconia said and dipped the tips of her right hand in the fresh water. Immediately, she withdrew her hand with a fright. "Jan... " Viconia growled. "Why have my fingertips TURNED BLUE?!"

"Well," Jan chuckled. "Rubber is black originally, and I decided that painting it blue might improve sales. Errr, I haven't found the right type of paint yet, and the one I used is rather agressive. I expect your fingers to have their normal skin-color again in three to six weeks..."

"Jan!" Viconia said slightly panic-stricken as she noticed her nails of the three fingers she briefly dipped in the water were bubbling a little. "JAN! My fingernails are DISSOLVING!"

"Errr, perhaps the paint I used was a little too agressive. I guess I shouldn't do groceries at the Baatezu-shop anymore..." Jan mused.

"You utter, utter idiotic..." Viconia screeched as she looked to be in a mood that could frighten Tanar'ri into flight.

Jan weathered it all, since it was nothing new to him, but then, as he glanced past the ranting Drow, he noticed a tiny Drow girl, wearing a reed sun hat, had climbed out the window and was walking across the ledge under her window which ran across the side of the keep. Deciding to cover for her he interrupted Viconia. "Say, speaking of utter fools, that reminds me of my cousin Martin Jansen. Ugly gnome for sure, and a foul temper to boot. He was rich too, so he often became the target of thieves. So, my cousin Martin had his whole house stolen. Quite literally, actually. The thieves had taken the entire house, but left the furniture standing, which made for a very public living, mind you. He did like the attention he got when he was doing his push-ups, but taking baths and going to the latrine were a little too public for his own liking. So, after Martin had his house rebuilt, he decided it was time for an extra bit of security! He ordered a very expensive alarm system from my uncle Pauly, which was made from a mixture of turnip-shells, a golden pen and a state-of-the-art home-control center for coverage of the entire house with heatseaking turnipcannons and electrified doormats! Sadly, the alarm system was stolen one day after it was installed, thus Martin decided to hire a living guardcreature. First, he tried an umberhulk, but unfortunately, that big lug got stolen too. I guess the thieves must have liked exotic pets... Then, he tried to hire a mindflayer to sit guard at the house. Sadly, when Martin woke up the next day, it turned out the mindflayer had left his post and had taken all of Martin's money with him. Deciding to drink away his troubles, he went to the Copper Coronet only to find the mindflayer sitting there. Sadly, by the time Martin had entered the bar, the mindflayer had already liquefied Martins assets..."

"Another one of your stories, gnome?" Viconia asked.

Jan noticed Vierna had reached the tally and was steadily climbing down. Deciding to distract Viconia a bit longer, he continued his story. "Then, cousin Martin decided it was time to attack the problem by the root by buying a score of the most vicious, the most man-hating, sociopathic and vile breed of dogs known to man! A dog created by the combined demonic might of Shar, Cyric, Bane and Lolth themselves! A dog that would strike fear into the hearts of the stoutest and most brave paladin of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart : The Jack Russell Terrier!"

"Oh, please! Those tiny mutts?" Viconia snorted.

"I swear!" Jan said. "They have hearts as dark as the most vile Tanar'ri! But this was not enough for the demanding, thief-plagued Martin. Using the dark secrets of alchemy, combined with necromantic rites lost to the ages (but conveniently located in a chest in Martin's attic), he crossed a score of these small terrors with the exploding force of magical misfire! These Kamikaze hell-spawns that were the Jack Russells, would bite to the bone and destroy the attacker with exploding might! So not only would the Jack Russell kill the intruder, but he would alert Martin to the attempt as well. That night, in bed, Martin heard the dogs bark, and the horrified screams of one of the dreaded burglars. And with a satisfying 'KAIT', Martin was rid of his nemesis..."

"Well," Viconia snorted. "It seems this conversation has gone to the dogs..."

Making sure Viconia constantly had her back turned to the fleeing child, Jan noticed Vierna was taking a long glance at the skelter, and after offering Jan a smile of gratitude she quietly slipped out of the gate.

"But the story didn't end there," Jan said, deciding he might as well finish his tale. "Martin turned out to have become quite the scourge of his neighborhood. He used to take his demonic dogs, spawns of hell, for walks to the park. Quite a sight it must have been! Full-grown men peed their pants as they trod by, women rushed their children inside, flowers wilted, cats fled for the hills and even skeleton warriors were not about to risk life and limb (well, limb mostly) against this powerful demonic force. Unfortunately, one day, a family of griffins were settling in a home not even thirty feet from his house! Fearing for his life, Martin ran to his house and began a rigorous two-month training course for his dogs to attack griffins with vicious vigor! So, feeling safe and sound, Martin stepped out of his home, confident of his safety! Unfortunately, a lot had changed since his two-month disappearance. A perfume-shop had moved into the house next to him, and one of its employees was spraying passer-by's with samples. So, when cousin Martin was sprayed with Eau de Griffin, his vile demonic dogs jumped him and sank their teeth in his flesh. A terrible fate, really. The last thing he must have heard must have been a score minus one 'KAIT's just before he was spread all over the street... And why would anyone WANT to smell like a griffin anyway?!"

"I'm going inside," Viconia snarled. "I can feel my brain frying in my skull, and it's not because of the heat..."

Jan smiled. Viconia wouldn't figure out he had helped her daughter escape the keep, and as long she didn't find out about it, he had nothing to worry.

"Besides," Viconia added as she and Jan entered the cool sanctuary of the Keep, "I think those turnipcookies might cheer up Vierna..."

---

Vierna didn't have to wait long to find her friends. In truth, they were about to pick her up at the keep when Vierna burst out of the gate. After greeting her friends, she invited them into the courtyard to show them the interesting metal cart.

"Oh, a bath!" the halfling boy Rowen exclaimed and was getting ready to jump belly-first into it.

"NO!" Vierna yelled. "It'll turn you blue!"

"Oh," Rowen said and sheepishly withdrew from the side of the bath.

"What's this?" Shivon asked as he regarded the skelter.

"It works like this," Vierna said and sat down in the left seat. Immediately, she put her tiny feet to the peddles and drove the skelter forward with a slow pace.

"It doesn't go very fast, does it?" Rowen said in disappointment.

"Good!" Clarissa giggled.

"But I heard that Uncle Jan said we could drive it off a hill!" Vierna giggled.

"Let's try it out!" Rowen suggested.

---

"Errr, OW.. Ooooohhh. My back! Oh, my leg! Oh, my kidneys!" Jan wailed in false pain. "Heal me... Please heal me! Heal me... over a period of three hours..."

"You are NOT in pain, gnome," Viconia said as she walked up the stairs and headed towards Vierna's room holding a tray of turnip-cookies.

"Errr, I'm tragically and deeply in love with you!" Jan tried.

"Don't make me hurl..."

"Errr, one more step and I'll KILL MYSELF!" Jan yelled.

"Is that an offer?" Viconia grinned and kept walking until she reached the door to Vierna's room.

"Err, I have a pouch with seven golders in it. It's all yours if you don't open that door!" Jan yelled, his last ditch effort wasted.

Viconia opened the door, and stepped inside, a nervous gnome in tow. Immediately, the Drow's face fell. "I knew it," she sighed.

"You did?" Jan asked.

"I knew she would try to escape," Viconia snickered. "That's my I rubbed that salve on her earlier. And by the looks of it, she has even taken her sun hat, so my little chat did help... But, gnome, that does not answer why you tried to keep me from reaching Vierna's room... Unless you must have helped her escape from the keep, that is... Her I can forgive, gnome..."

"Errr..." Jan said uneasily as he slid towards the window, considering the ledge outside could be used for HIS escape as well. "Hey," he said as he glanced into the courtyard. "The skelter is gone... Vierna must have taken it..."

"WHAT?!" Viconia snarled. "Are you absolutely positively sure that thing is safe?"

"Why, yes," Jan said. "It has a rather elaborate and sophisticated brake-system."

"Well," Viconia sighed in relief, "that's a relief..."

"The downside is that I have it in my pouch here..."

"GAHH!" Viconia exclaimed and ran out of the room.

---

Vierna peddled the skelter over the road leading to the nearby village between the Keep and the river. The road would lead over a declining hill, and she hoped the skelter would attain enough speed to really zip through the landscape. The tiny Drow went giddy with joy as she even imagined it. Her friends were encouraging her with shouts and well-wishes in the background.

"VIERNA!" was shouted from behind her as her mother came running down the road as well. Quick as a flash, she slipped past the skelter and managed to fit herself into the snugly fitting right seat.

"Hi momma!" Vierna greeted happily until she released she had broken the rules. "Hi, momma," she said in a more subdued tone while she kept peddling. "I'm wearing my sun hat..." Vierna pouted out.

"That's nice, little one," Viconia said, "but I want you to step out of this..."

And then, the skelter shot down the hill. Vierna whooped with joy, while Viconia gasped in terror, fearing for Vierna's safety. Assessing the speed of the skelter, she figured it would not be safe to simply grab Vierna and jump out of the moving vehicle. Instead she decided she had to simply wait until the skelter would slow down.

In the meantime, the skelter shot down the road like a cannonball from a cannon. The vehicle raced through small village and was briefly launched in the air as it flew across the bridge.

"WEEEEE!" Vierna giggled as the skelter landed on its wheels again.

"Look out!" Viconia shouted as she noticed a bend in the road, but it was too late. The open skelter shot off the road and into the underbrush. Soft leaves and branches whipped across the skelter, but did nothing to slow it down. A few moments later, the skelter crashed through a wooden gate leading into a pasture. Eventually, Viconia noticed that the seats of the skelter were painted red... and that the skelter was being chased by an enormous bull.

As the bull gave the skelter an extra bit of speed by putting his horns to work, Viconia noticed that Vierna was enjoying herself immensely, but still decided she would tear Jan Jansen apart with her bare hands when and if this roller coaster of doom had ended.

---

"Let's eat!" Little Ronald, a young boy, the son of pig farmer Gerald Ironcheek said, looking forward to dig his spoon in his soup.

"Son!" Farmer Gerald spoke to Ronald and indeed his entire family, consisting of his wife and his four other daughters. "First we must pray to Helm to thank Him for the food on the table."

"Awww," Ronald pouted, but complied. The whole family closed their eyes in reverent prayer.

Ronald, who wasn't really praying, suddenly heard a loud crash and a whoosh of air as something whipped past them followed by a second loud crash. Opening his eyes, he noticed two gaping holes in the walls of their home and a flattened table in the middle of where his family was sitting.

"Errr, dad?" Ronald asked.

"Let us PRAY, son!" Gerald stressed, keeping his eyes closed.

Ronald shrugged and went back to his fake prayer.

---

Jan Jansen slowly followed the trail of destruction his latest invention had caused, and tried to figure out just how many times he had done this before. Making his way through snapped branches, broken fences, and homes with two gaping holes in opposite walls, he finally caught up with Vierna and Viconia....

The skelter was sticking out of the side of a large haystack, around which Vierna and her friends were happily playing. It was then Jan noticed Viconia, digging pieces of straw out of her hair. Unfortunately for Jan, Viconia had noticed him too.

"YOU!!" she shouted at the gnome in intense anger.

Suddenly Jan's body seemed to be heating up instantly. Clutching his chest for the control-switch of his thermal long-johns, he noticed it was still set on 'cool'.

"Faking a heart-attack will not save you this time, iblith!" snarled Viconia.

"It's... It's not a heart-attack!" Jan shouted. "My thermal underwear is overheating!"

"Oh," Viconia chuckled, while glancing at one of the canals of the local irrigation-system. "I know a remedy for that..."

And that is the story of how Jan Jansen ended up sitting in a stream of water with a frog on top of his head.
 




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

Skin Designed By Evanescence at IBSkin.com