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19. Little Wheels


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#1 Weyoun

Posted 03 November 2002 - 09:40 AM

Writer's comment : Ah, I love this one, but I may be biased. ;) This is another one of my V-J comedic pairings, one I had not done for so long. And I had so much fun with it...

 
Little Wheels

Little Vierna DeVir giggled happily as she let the morning sunlight warm her little face. She had snuck into her mother's bedroom as soon as she had finished her breakfast this morning, and was in her mother's dresser the moment she came in. Vierna had been caught going through her mother's dresser before, and since her mother always gently shooed her away, she hadn't been able to find the item she had been looking for yet.

But this time, she had more luck. Overjoyed, Vierna fished an old blue cleric's robe from a box in the back of the dresser. It was her mother's robe. The one she wore when she was not in her armor during her adventurers thoughout Amn. Now, there was only one more item she needed and she knew exactly where that one was. Putting the robe on her parents' bed, Vierna walked over to her mother's nightstand and opened the bottom drawer. She reached inside and pulled out an old helmet. Without hesitation and smiling happily, she donned the robe and put on the helmet.

There she stood, the robe swaddling around her small body, and the helmet too big for her head. Sometimes she had to push the heavy helmet back to be able to see. Vierna picked up a five-inch long thick branch from her pouch and waved it around in a threatening fashion.

"Oh yeah?" Vierna chuckled. "You think you can beat me, huh?"

"Well, I'm a powerful adventurer!" she continued. "And this is a Wand of Evil Monster Heinie-kicking!"

"Oh?" Vierna smiled. "You mean old smelly goblins don't believe me? Well here!"

She thrust the 'wand' forward, blasting away hundreds of imaginary goblins with every single thrust.

"Zap!" she yelled. "Zap! Zap!"

"Za..." the tiny Drow cried once more, but her fun came to a halt when she accidentally poked the stick in her mother's leg as she turned around.

"What are you doing, little one?" Viconia asked with a smile, slightly amused by the look of her daughter wearing her old clothes.

"Ermmm," Vierna said. "Nothing..."

"Why are you wearing my clothes, then?" Viconia smiled.

"Well, I... I..." Vierna hesitated, looking for a right answer. "I was playing being you, momma!"

Viconia smiled again and lifted the helmet from her precious daughter's head. Ah, that old helmet. Viconia tossed it from hand to hand and took a good look at it. The metal was losing it's shine, it was dented in many places and the soft leather padding on the inside was loosening from the metal, but otherwise it was still usable. And it had served her very well. She had bought this simple Legionnaire's helmet from Ribald Barterman for only seven gold and it had saved her life many times in combat. It had seen battle with opponents like the Shade Lord, The Unseeying Eye, Firkraag, Irenicus, The Five and even then dreaded demon prince Demogorgon. And it survived all these encounters. Just a simple non-magical, unenchanted helmet, with no special powers at all.

And she loved that old thing. Viconia realized that forming an emotional attachment with an inanimate object was not only absurd, but also a practice usually only done by males. Still, she felt a little stung when she found out her helmet was not to be included with the items to be put in the display-case in the dining hall, when Karis and Viconia settled in the Keep. Both Jan and Imoen had outvoted her. 'It's not magical, like the rest of these items here. It wouldn't fit in,' Imoen had said. Viconia sighed, 'they just don't appreciate a quality non-magical item.'

Viconia was disappointed, but... no matter. She simply put the helmet in her nightstand and polished it once a year. There it waited for the next time it was used. Viconia wondered for a moment if perhaps, she should give it to Vierna when she would be older. Vierna appreciated small things too, after all. Perhaps it was just the memories connected to that helmet, instead of the actual object...

"Momma?" Viconia snapped out of her thoughts and saw her daughter stare at her with a questioning look in her eyes. "Will you play ball with me?" Vierna asked hopefully.

"Vierna," Viconia said apologetically while she walked to her small shrine. "I must pray. That's why I came to the bedroom in the first place."

"Awwww," Vierna pouted. "Why couldn't you have been a wizard or a fighter, momma? Then you could come and play with me right now! Are sure sure miss Selune doesn't want you to play with me instead of praying?"

"I'm sorry, little one," Viconia said.

"It's just that, well, daddy is Ins-spect-thing some farm, aunty Imoen has gone to Candlekeep, aunty Nalia has gone to the city, Shivon has gone in the wood with his dad and Clarissa and Rowen are working on the fields all day. There's no one to play with me! Everyone's gone!" Vierna pouted.

"My prayers will be done with in about an hour, Vierna. Why don't you go play by the river and I promise we'll spend the rest of the day together," Viconia suggested with a smile.

"YAY!" Vierna shouted and made her way to the door, still wearing the swaddling robe.

"Vierna," Viconia said with a smile. "Take off that robe first before you fall!"

---

Viconia was about three-quarters through her prayers when a soft knock was heard at the door. However, Viconia didn't answer, first finishing off the rite she was reciting. She sighed heavily and asked the person who was knocking to come in. Everyone at the Keep knew how much she hated to be disturbed during prayers, so she wondered just what was going on.

"Domo?" Viconia asked in surpise.

"Ah, my Lady. You have my sincere apologies for disturbing your prayers," major Domo stated, "but there is someone here to see you...."

"Hi, Vicky!" the gnome known as Jan Jansen brushed past Domo and greeted Viconia a little too cheerfully for her tastes.

"Oh, no..." Viconia muttered under her breath. "What is it, gnome?"

"Well, that's a cheerful greeting! I remember that my uncle... Oh, you are praying..." Jan said as he noticed Viconia was sitting in front of her private shrine.

"Isn't that what I told you, sir gnome?" major Domo said with a hint of annoyance.

"Ah, I thought it was just Vicky trying to avoid me again!" Jan laughed. "You know she almost accidentally walked off the top of Watcher's Keep once to avoid me! It was..."

"Yes, yes, yes," Viconia interrupted. "Just tell me why you're here, gnome."

"Allright... Well, Vicky I am here to ask your opinion about something," Jan said with a hint of nervousness.

"Opinion?" Viconia snickered. "Since when do you care about my opinion?"

"Well, it's... about... Vicky, have you ever heard about the League of Inventors?" Jan asked.

"If I had, would we still be talking?" Viconia asked sarcastically.

"Ermm," Jan stammered, but perked up, "probably not, but let me tell you about it! You see..."

"Gnome," Viconia said calmly, pointing towards the altar. "Prayers?"

"No thanks, Vicky," Jan replied. "I already gave at the office. You see, the League hosts an inventor contest every five years in the name of Gond. Just about every Tom, Dick and Haer'Dalis in the inventor community participates. It's basically a fair in Waukeen's promenade where these mechanical marvels are displayed."

"Get to the point, please. Selune is waiting for me..." Viconia snarled impatienly.

"Well, the point is, oh-so-friendly-Drow, that I've been participating just about every contest. And this year, I've made some great new innovations," Jan stated.

"Why show them to me, then?" Viconia asked. "I hate to admit it, but your armor and weapons you create are more than fine."

"That's the point, my pointy-eared friend," Jan began. "You see, the inventors contest doesn't allow Armors and Weapons to be entered. And... any invention which deals with turnips isn't allowed either. They... have that rule because of me. My Automated Jansen Turno-Chopper in the last contest had some, ahum, interesting side-effects!"

Viconia sighed. "It Turno-Chopped the judges, eh?"

"Ermmm, yes... There was one surviving judge, though. He only got his robe pulled from his body when it got caught in the mechanism and had to walk to his inn naked. Unfortunately, this judge in question was, ermmm, Elminster." Jan said sheepishly.

"So that's why he looked so sternly at you when we met him outside of Sendai's lair!" Viconia chuckled.

"Yeah, I was lucky I wasn't banned from the contest altogether," Jan sighed. "Especially when the Turno-Chopper exploded too. You know, the Paladins of the Radiant Heart still say it were pieces of Helm's armor that fell through the roof of their guildhouse that day... Anyway, I'd like to show you my new possible entries first to prevent such things from happening again. Such incidents give turnips a bad name, you see."

"So, I assume," Viconia chuckled sarcastically, "that should I die horribly at the hands of one of your doomsday devices, you won't be entering that machine in the contest?"

"Ermmm, yeah... But I'm sure it won't come to that, Vicky," Jan replied cheerfully. "I'll let you get back to your prayers now."

---

"Okay, this had better be good," Viconia stated as she and Jan entered the courtyard. Viconia took a bite from the apple she had before putting it in her pocket for later consumption.

"Here goes, Vicky!" Jan said and whipped out a Bag of Holding.

"Hey, isn't that Imoen's Bag of Holding? The one that disappeared under suspicious circumstances last time you were here?" Viconia asked while regarding the gnome with narrowed eyes.

"Details, details!" Jan laughed nervously and opened the bag. After his whole arm had completely disappeared inside the bag, he made a swooping move while grabbing hold of the bag with the other hand and shook out a gigantic mechanical elephant, about nine-feet tall and twelve feet long. A stepladder was attached to the side of the 'creature', presumably leading to some sort of control panel. Larger panels were on the sides of the elephant.

"What... what is this?" Viconia asked in amazement when she saw the metal elephant.

"This, Vicky, basically is the same mechanical elephant Vierna has in her room, only bigger! Think of it! It's large enough to ferry people or cargos all across the realms! And think of all turnips into could squeeze to make the turnipwine!"

"How does it work?" Viconia asked, still in awe from the sight of this marvelous machine.

"Well, like this..." Jan said and pulled a giant wind-up-key from the Bag of Holding. After putting the giant key in the side of the robot elephant, he turned the key a number of times and let go. Immediately, the elephant sprung to life. Letting out a somewhat mechanical trumput-sound, the wind-up elephant started to walk at a steady pace.

"Amazing..." Viconia uttered.

"I knew you'd like it," Jan beamed. "Think of the possibilities. It could completely replace the hors..."

"Jan," Viconia interrupted. "When does it stop?"

"Eh?" Jan asked. "Oh, you just press a button on the control panel, and... Uh-oh..." It was then that Jan noticed too that the large metal elephant was heading straight towards the outer wall.

"Stop it!" Viconia shouted, while grabbing Jan by the lapels and shaking him about. But it was too late. A loud crash sounded throughout the courtyard while dust flew and bricks were hurled through the air. When the dust subsided, Jan, Viconia and the guards who came to see just what the hell was going on, could only see the shape of an elephant walking off a hill in the distance, letting out a final mechanical trumpet-sound as a mocking farewell.

Viconia, still holding Jan by the lapels, stood there in stunned silence for a moment before shouting out. "THAT THING JUST WENT STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WALL!"

"Well, then that wall must have been pretty poorly contructed to begin with..." Jan tried.

"It was a twelve-foot thick battlement!" Viconia retorted.

"Well, ermmm..."

"By Selune. I know of matrons in Menzoberranzan who would have given up their right arm for such a warmachine!" Viconia said.

"Warmachine?" Jan drooped. "Aw, that means I can't enter it in the contest. Oh, well, I'll still have another invention ready."

"Great," Viconia muttered. "Now you can destroy the rest of the keep as well. Goody..."

Jan didn't hesitate and pulled out another gigantic machine. Its main feature was a conveyerbelt, which stuck out from both ends of the middle part of the machine. This middle part seemed to be huffing and puffing with steam.

"Imagine, if you will," Jan said. "You are lost in the depths of the Anauroch Dessert, without any food or water. No food, no water! You are certain to die! Then, suddenly, you remember you have cannies of food on you!"

"Cannies?" Viconia asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes! You see, this machine is capable of changing the way Toril thinks of rations! It wraps food and drink in a small metal sheet and then sucks all the air out, garuanteeing its preservation for over a thousand years!"

Viconia had to admit that would be kind of handy. She remembered the many rations that had to be thrown away because of spoilage, both in her adventuring days as well as her days as Lady of the Manor. Plus, spoiled food could make people very sick, if not handled perfectly.

"Observe! May I have that apple you put away in your pocket?" Jan asked friendly.

Knowing better then to begin a discussion with the gnome, Viconia handed over the apple with a disgusted sigh. Jan put the apple on one end of the conveyerbelt and watched it disappear inside the machine, which huffed and puffed even more until a small metal cylinder came out of the other end. Jan smiled, picked it up and tossed it over to Viconia.

"See? Safe for a thousand years!" Jan smiled cheerfully.

"I see," Viconia said while looking for a lid or a handle. "Say Jan. How do you actually open these 'cannies'?"

"Eh?"

"There doesn't seem to be a way to get these things open," Viconia said while banging the cannie on the machine in hopes of opening it to reclaim her apple.

"Well, I... I haven't thought that far ahead, really. Making the cannie is only the first step after all," Jan said. "Inventing is a continuous process, you see?"

"So my delicious apple I was really looking forward to eating, is now trapped forever?" Viconia with a hint of anger in her voice.

"Basically," Jan replied. "Yes."

"So if I'm looking for food and water in the Anauroch Dessert, and I find these cannies, I will still die of starvation and thirst?" Viconia asked with a mocking tone in her voice.

"Ermmm, yes," Jan replied. "But at least..."

"My rations wil survive me for ten centuries?" Viconia finished.

"Well.... Yes."

"Gnome," Viconia began, "you've got space between the ears..."

"Hey, interesting you should say that. My uncle Hedgehog once had space between the ears as well. He made a dangerous career as an Underdark turnip-merchant, you see? Daring, dashing young lad he was, until one day, he met a Mind Flayer named Bob-Reggie Joe-Yo, who was looking for his pen."

"Gnome..."

"Now Bob-Reggie was quite angry, because he had bought ten the day before and they were all gone the next day (Those Illithid steal like ravens, you know?). Anyway, uncle Hedgehog was scared for his life. It's not everyday you meet a Mind Flayer, after all. So when Bob-Reggie Joe-Yo was bending down to suck out Hedgehog's brain through his nose, uncle Hedgehog accidentally shoved a turnip in his mouth. Now, Bob-Reggie smacked his mouth a little and quite enjoyed the turnip, so Bob-Reggie and Uncle Hedgehog went into business together, selling turnips to all the races of the Underdark. Why, that turnip you had on your plate in House DeVir, was probably supplied by them!"

"I never ate a turnip when I still lived in the Underdark!" Viconia shouted angrily, a bit too quick.

"Oh, sure you did, you closet-turnip-lover, you!" Jan chuckled. "Anyway, their partnership came to a quick end after a wage-dispute (Bob-Reggie wanted some pay, you see?) and Bob-Reggie ended up eating his partner's brain. Poor Bob-Reggie must have had gnome on his breath, because one day later he was eaten by a pack of griffins who mistook him for a Jansen."

"I suppose they ate your uncle Hedgehog too?" Viconia asked sarcastically.

"No. Even without his brain, he found he could still lead a productive life. You see, he runs a succesful lawfirm in Thay..."

"Marvellous..." Viconia chuckled.

"But it seems, I have to come up with something new for the fair!" Jan said. "How about, hmmm, an outhouse in your own home, all connected to a single pipe which takes the waste out to sea!"

"Oh, come on Jan!" Viconia chuckled. "Who would want a latrine inside their home?!"

"Okay," Jan conceded. "How about this : A large flying balloon with a carriage under it! You could fly around the world and get everywhere real fast!"

"Unlikely," Viconia snorted. "Who would want to step into one of those deathtraps?"

"Well," Jan conceded again. "What about a metal machine with two wheels. I could rig some gears so you can use your own legs to propel it!"

"Why not take a horse?" Viconia laughed. "What kind of loser would use his or her own legs to achieve locomotion?"

"We could motorize it!" Jan added. "We'll put dozens of little hamsters in wheels for locomotion, then." But judging from the look Viconia gave him, the Drow didn't find this to be a good idea either.

Jan sighed. "Okay, bad idea again. But I'll think of something. Just you wait."

"Excuse me if I don't," Viconia replied. "I have to talk to major Domo about finding a contractor to fix that wall!"

That said, Viconia stepped into the keep, leaving Jan to sit at the bottom of the stairs.

---

"Hi, uncle Jan!" Jan suddenly heard from the other side of the courtyard.

"Hey, squirt!" Jan perked up as he saw a tiny Drow run up to him for a hug.

"Whatcha doin'? What is this?" Vierna motioned to the machine.

"Oh, that..." Jan replied. "Just an invention that doesn't work... One of many," he added sadly.

"Uncle Jan, I just saw the strangest thing. This huge elephant just walked through seven farmlands and then it walked in the river and sank like a stone!" Vierna giggled when she thought back to the spectacle, which included many angry farmers throwing pitchforks at the metal elephant.

"Oh, another failure," Jan said crestfallen.

"Hey, what are these?" Vierna suddenly asked. Jan noticed Vierna was holding his special shoes.

"These?" Jan asked. "These are my special shoes I made to fix that machine while it is switched on. Would you like me to show you how they work?"

Vierna nodded in a curious fashion, and Jan oblidged. After turning on the machine and putting on his shoes, Jan stepped on the conveyerbelt.

"See, squirt?" Jan said happily. "Because of the wheels under these shoes, I can keep standing here, even though the conveyerbelt is running!"

Vierna giggled and clapped her hands. And it seemed Vierna wasn't the only one interested in the strange spectacle, as all the guards were gathering around the machine as well.

---

'Keeping track of cost and income is quite a pain enough,' Viconia thought while she was writing in a ledger in the study, 'but it's even more annoying when there is such a commotion outside!' Vierna still hadn't returned from playing, so Viconia decided to do some paperwork instead. But now, she was finding it very hard to do with all the noise outside.
Viconia put her quill in the inkwell and made her way to the outside of the Keep. Stepping out, she was suddenly passed by a very speedy guard.

"Comin' through!" The guard yelled at Viconia just before passing her. The Drow couldn't believe what she was seeing. That guard had wheels on his boots... and he wasn't the only one! Just about everywhere in the courtyards, guards were whizzing past each other, laughing heartily.

"Oy, these' 'ere shoe'es makes doin' me round much more funn', milaidy!" Barnaby shouted as he whooshed past his Lady.

"Where's Cernick!" Viconia shouted, knowing for certain he would make an end to this madness. That was, however, until she spotting him racing with two other guards across the battlements. She noticed the guards had put some planks with ramps over the hole in the wall, as well.

"Excuse me, Lady Viconia," Viconia heard the posh voice of major Domo say, just before he whooshed past her too.

"HAS EVERYONE GONE INSANE?!" Viconia shouted over the noises of the partyers. What would Karis say of this, she wondered. But then again, she knew exactly what he would say : Hey, that looks like fun. Can I try?

Then her heart almost stopped beating : She saw Vierna, also on wheels, going much faster than everyone else, and doing several daredevil stunts in the process. Vierna whooped with joy as she rolled up a plank and jumped over six bales of hay, put there as obstacles.

"VIERNA!" Viconia shouted. "SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!"

"Ah, Vicky!" Jan cheerfully greeted. "Just in time, too! I finished up your pair as well!"

But Viconia was too preoccupied with Vierna's stunting and did not even hear Jan's words. Nor did she notice the wheelie-shoe Jan had put just before her foot. Before she knew it, Viconia had stepped on it and flew forward with an alarming rate. Using her high agility, she had been able to keep standing on the single moving wheelie-shoe, but even her amazing dexterity could not save her when she wheeled off the stairs.

And everyone inside the keep fell silent.

---

Two days later

---

"Hey, Kary!" Jan greeted cheerfully as he approached the master bedroom, lugging behind him a trophy twice as large as himself. "How's Vicky?"

"She healed her broken leg, but it's still stiff. And," Karis added, "she's out for blood. YOUR blood. I'd appreciate it if you never send my lover hurtling down the stairs again, mind you!" Karis said with a hint of a threat.

"Ouch," Jan said, "but hey! I won the contest!"

"Congratulations," Karis smiled. "By the way, Nalia, Minsc and Imoen wanted me to ask you when their wheelie-shoes are finished."

"Oh, soon, Kary, soon," Jan chuckled and leaned in to whisper. "Your pair is coming along just fine too."

"Nice," Karis added, "you can see Viconia if you like, but remember she is very angry with you right now, so you'd better be tactful."

Jan nodded and silently moved into the bedroom. There he found Viconia lying in bed, staring at him with fury in her eyes. Vierna was here too, apparently sleeping and lovingly snuggled against her mother.

"Hey, there Vicky! Feeling better?"

Jan could swear he heard Viconia growl.

"I won that contest with my wheelie-shoes! The judges said it could be the transportation method of the future! Everybody wants them! Soon all the people of Athkatla, nobles and commoners alike will be walkin' on wheels! What do you say to that Vicky? Sounds nice doesn't it?"

Jan just made it out of the room, closely followed suit by an airborne wheelie-shoe.
 




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