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14. Of Snobs and Pranks


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#1 Weyoun

Posted 03 November 2002 - 09:36 AM

Writer's comment : A clash of the titans! Vierna versus Caan, who will win? In a way this was a bit of schadenfreude, since Caan really didn't stand a chance against Vierna. ;) Still, I'll mostly remember this tale for the heinous amount of spelling and grammar mistakes that were in it. Most of which are gone now, I hope. :D

Hope you like it,
 

Of snobs and pranks

"What do you mean?" Vierna asked her friend Shivon with a hint of confusion as the two friends walked through the corridors of the keep.

"All I meant was..." Shivion tried to reply, but was interrupted by a confused little Drow.

"But, Shivon, you can't marry my momma!" Vierna stated matter-of-factly.

"Your parents aren't married, are they?" Shivon grinned from ear-to-ear. "That means I could marry your mom!"

"But... But..." Vierna stammered. "You'd be my DAD! And what would happen to daddy, then?"

"Oh, don't worry!" Shivon replied cheerfully, obviously having his plan for the future well thought-out... "He could be our captain of the guards, cause he's good with swords..."

"But..." Vierna stammered.

"You want another brother or sister, don't you?" Shivon asked. "When I'm married to Lady Viconia, the two of us will go the the cabbage-patch and pick a brother or sister for you to play with!"

Vierna giggled and sat down on a bench in the hallway. "Oh, Shivon, that's so silly! Babies don't come from the cabbage-patch!"

"Oh?" Shivon asked, intrigued, and sat down next to his friend.

"No... Babies come from the turnip-cellar!" Vierna stated, assured of her right in this matter.

Upon seeing Shivon's incredulous look she continued her argument. "It's true! Uncle Jan said so on my birthday! He said that momma ate a turnip eight years ago and two years after she ate that turnip, I came out of her belly!"

"No way!" Shivon replied astonished.

"Yes way!" Vierna retorted and then pouted a little. "I've been trying to get momma to eat a turnip ever since my birthday, but she just says she doesn't like turnips."

"Well, good thing she ate that other turnip then, or you wouldn't be here!" Shivon said sincerely. Then he gave the previous statement a thought and replied again. "Say, Vierna... Doesn't your uncle Jan's family eat a lot of turnips?"

"Yeah! And his family is pretty big, so there's still hope for a little brother of sister!" Vierna giggled.

Then, Viconia rounded about the corner and smiled as she approached the two children. Almost immediately, the usual goofy grin Shivon showed when he was near Vierna's mother magically appeared on his face...

"Hi, momma!" Vierna giggled happily, while Shivon simply stared at his friend's mother in front of him and managed a weak greeting.

"Hello, little one. I have come to collect you for lunch." She smiled as she picked up and hugged Vierna. "And isn't it time for Shivon to go home as well? I'm sure your father has dinner on the table by now." But Shivon was not listening, since he was to busy staring at her friends' mother and dreaming away about his upcoming wedding.

---

"Sure you wouldn't like a turnip for desert, momma?" Vierna asked with a hopeful smile, after finishing up today's lunch.

Viconia sighed and wondered why her daughter had been trying to get her to eat a turnip at every meal for the past couple of months. "No, ssinjin eoul," she replied exasperated, "I do not want a turnip..."

As Vierna face fell, her mother ruffled her daughter's hair, again wondering why Vierna wanted her to eat a turnip so much.

"Well, I for one wouldn't mind a turnip by now," Karis said, but Vierna was sure her plan would only work if her mother ate the turnip.

"Karis, Viconia..." Nalia said as she entered the dining-hall, "There is something I've been trying to tell you for days now, and..."

"My Lord, my Lady," The butler Metigo said, when he entered the hall as well, "Lady Delcia Caan's carriage has arrived from Athkatla..."

For the occupants of the dining-hall, except for Vierna, all time stopped. After a seemingly endless moment of stunned silence, all eyes turned to Nalia.

"I... I... couldn't find the right moment to tell you..." She stammered nervously.

Karis sighed deeply and stood up from the table to greet the most arrogant and annoying person in the entire Multiverse...

---

"Well, the commoners seem to have gathered..." Were Lady Delcia's first words as Nalia helped her step out of the carriage.

"Greetings," Karis told her through gritted teeth, "and welcome back to the keep."

"Well, it was my own home, commoner." Caan snorted.

"Aunty, please!" Nalia urged, but a sharp look from her aunt silence her. Even though Nalia was an arch-mage now with considerable experience, she was still under Delcia's bootheel.

"Like I was saying, I am here to inspect the poor job you have done with the lands of the keep!" Delcia stated.

"But aunty," Nalia interrupted again, "all the farms are prosperous. There is no povery here in these lands. Karis did a wonderful job managing the Keep-lands for me!"

"Hush, child!" Caan continued. "I could not care less about the state of our lessers! They should be able to fend for themselves, after all. No, child, what I meant was that these people here have done a poor job maintaining the status of nobility that is expected of this Keep's centuries old traditions!"

Before Karis could retort, however, a tiny Drow girl burst out of the Keep entrance with the intention of making a new friend. Vierna worked her way up to the front of the crowd and greeted the elderly lady happily. "Hi! I'm Vierna, who are you?"

Lady Delcia, however, did not even look at Vierna. "Is this little rat speaking to me?" She asked Karis haughtily. "This little bastard-child you sired with your Drow mistress? The two of you are not even properly wed! Truly, the perversions caused by your common-blood has not limits..."

Karis felt the anger he felt for this woman attain new heights as he boiled with utter rage. He didn't mind being insulted, but his family... that was an entirely different thing alltogether. He truly had to fight to keep himself from strangling this woman with his bare hands.

Viconia, in the meantime, managed to control her rage by thinking happy-thoughts, such as Lady Delcia being skinned alive with a small, rusty, butterknife.

Vierna, however, didn't understand what was going on exactly and why the elderly woman would not want to be her friend.

"Vierna, honey?" Nalia told her gently. "Why don't you go see your friends. Rowen and Clarissa are probably playing at the river..."

"Okay!" Vierna giggled cheerfully and ran off, forgetting all about the incident as she approached the river.

---

"Truly, this is intolerable!" Lady Delcia said indignantly as she and Nalia were going over the Keep's financial records."

"What is it now, aunty?" Nalia asked with a hint of irritation.

"Ten-thousand gold spent on 'Harvest-Loss Compensation'?"

"It was a harsh winter, aunty," Nalia retorted, "Many farmers lost all their crops and had to be given some gold to keep themselves fed, buy new supplies and new seeds for crops."

"And you allowed this?!" Delcia asked in utter revulsion. "It is not our task as nobles to take care of our lessers! They are expected to fend for themselves..."

"Aunty," Nalia began, "We must take care of our..."

"Spare me your ignoble chatter, child and explain this to me. A free irrigation-service? Payed for by the noble hands of the Keep and supplied without any form of rent at all?"

"Yes, aunty," Nalia replied. She was getting very tired now, in fact, and desperate for a break. "Because it is a free service, farmers have more money left to buy new supplies, or to invest in their farms. It leads to more prosperity!"

"Child, it has become clear to me that your appointed weaponmaster has performed as an extremely poor leader. You both have made a mockery of this Keep's noble traditions." Delcia spat.

"Hi!" Vierna shouted as she entered the room.

Nalia, thankful for the timely rescue, turned away from her aunt and gave the tiny Drow all of her attention.

"Hello, sweety," Nalia cooed, "Have you and your friends been enjoying yourself?"

"Yeah," Vierna replied happily. "I have something secret... Wanna see?"

As Nalia nodded her head in confirmation, Vierna let Nalia peek inside her hands which she had folded together to hide her secret.

"Awww, how cute!" Nalia giggled.

"Rowen gave him to me!" Vierna said. Then, without giving Nalia a chance to stop her, Vierna walked over to the elderly woman, who was, as usual, ignoring the poor child.

"Hey, wanna see my frog?" Vierna asked as she opened her hands, revealing a young amphibian.

Delcia Caan was slightly startled to see this bog-beast inside her own civilized home and let out a small cry. She regained her dignity quickly however, and gave the Drow child a stern look.

"Now listen to me, you little..." But lady Delcia was not able to finish her statement because the small frog suddenly jumped up in the air and landed in her lap. Letting out an earth-shattering shriek, she jumped from her seat and danced around the roon, trying to get rid of an unseen green assailant.

"AAHHH! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!!" Lady Delcia shouted. The frog finally fell to the floor with a disappointed croak. Lady Delcia did not hesitate and gave the small frog a sharp kick, causing it to fly out the window.

"HEY!" Vierna shouted indignantly. "That was my frog! How can you be so mean to a cute animal?!"

"Silence, you little monster!" Lady Delcia shouted. "Well, it is obvious from your boorish upbringing that your parents are from common stock. But then was can be expected from an outcast Drow and a northren Half-elf!"

Vierna did not understand all the things the elderly lady told her, but she knew the lady had just insulted her parents.

"Hey!" She retorted angrily to the lady, who had expected the child to fall silent and retreat to her room, as was considered by her to be common decency, "Don't say mean things about my momma and daddy. I love my parents!"

Nalia, knowing that such a statement from Vierna was usually followed by a vicious kick to the shins, quickly ran up to Vierna. "Hey, honey," Nalia said. "Come on. Let's see if we can find your frog. And maybe we'll have time to get some cookies for you as well!" As Vierna grinned happily, Nalia took the tiny Drow by the hand, and was sure Lady Delcia had just made a very dangerous enemy by angering Vierna.

---

Late at night, Viconia lay in Karis' arms, sated and happy. They both rested on their sides, and Viconia was drifting on the edge of peaceful slumber. Karis, although equally spent by their recent activities, was not ready to sink into sleep just yet, however.

"Viconia?" He whispered, being careful not to wake his lover, should she already be sleeping.

"Hmmmm?" Was her reply, more a sleepy groan than an actual statement.

"Have you been thinking about what Caan said about Vierna, this afternoon?" He asked carefully, realizing how much the Drow in his arms hated Delcia Caan at the moment.

"How could I forget." Viconia snarled softly, apparently being more awake than she let on. "If she calls Vierna..."

"Let's not dwell on those memories too long, love..." Karis interrupted. "I was talking out Vierna not being able to become the keep's heiress."

"Vierna wants to travel and live the Life, Ssinsrig. I doubt she would stay here for long after she comes of age." Viconia replied with a hint of regret. She would rather see her daughter stay near her all her life, so she would always be able to keep an eye out for her. Maybe Arokh's medallion would be enough. The Red Dragon had said the magic extended to all of Toril...

"It would be her home, if she ever decided to retire and settle down." Karis said.

"What do you suggest then, hm?" Viconia replied with a chuckle, "That we'd be 'properly wed'?" She said in her best Caan-impersonation.

"Well, it wouldn't be such a big change in our lives. We already live like a married couple, we have a beautiful daughter together, you rule these lands with me..." Karis began.

Viconia snorted and pulled out of his embrace. She stretched a little and rested her head on her hand, while she leaned on her pillow, regarding Karis with a smirk and an odd look in her eyes. "You are serious..." She stated matter-of-factly.

"It could be an option."

"Really?" Viconia smirked. "Put that rich imagination of yours to work than... Close your eyes, what do you see?"

Looking his love deeply in the eyes, Karis noticed she was in a playful mood. So, he smiled and complied. "I see... A beautiful sunny afternoon, a midsummer day. We are standing in the grove at the banks of Lake Dragonspur, and the sun is reflecting off the quiet water. All our friends are there, everyone we have met and helped during our travels. Our family is there as well... Minsc in polished armor, Boo on his shoulder. Nalia, Imoen and Vierna are our flower-girls. Jan pestering our guests into trying the turnip-cake. Mazzy arguing with Captain Cernick about height and might."

Viconia chuckled but when that seemed to be the only interruption, Karis continued. "You walk into the glade wearing a splendid long dress, flowing around your body. The sun is shining on your beautiful face as a soft breeze blows through your gorgeous white hair. You smile at me as I take your hand and guide you to the lake, where we embrace, share words of love and, finally, kiss as the Selunite priestess binds our souls together."

"This dress," Viconia chuckled again and smirked, "would it be white?"

Karis now chuckled himself and replied. "Well, even if you ignore the symbolism, it would not have an effect on your beauty..."

"Hmmm." The Drow replied again, in that same sleepy groan. "And to think my sisters called me a dreamer."

"It's just something I just made up, Viconia." Karis said with a smile.

"Hmmm. I might have some ideas for our wedding-night, though." Viconia replied with a sly smirk.

"Oh?"

"Yes, there are quite a few Drow techniques left which I would like to share with you..." Viconia told her lover with a smile.

"There are more?" Karis asked, but was definitely not surprised.

"Oh, my dear ssinsrig," She smirked. "We have barely scratched the surface of all my knowledge of the Drow erotic arts."

"But, we've been sleeping together for almost eight years know..." Karis replied.

"Yes," Viconia said matter-of-factly. "I think you have finally build up enough experience for them... Combined with your everlasting enthusiasm, these acts of passion should be quite... interesting."

"You mean all these years, you've been holding back?" This time, he was surprised.

"Of course!" Viconia chuckled. "When I said that few surfacers could withstand the force of Drow passion, I was not kidding. Why do you think that caravan-leader's heart gave out? But now," She said as she raked her hand over Karis' chest, "You are almost ready."

Karis took his Drow lover in his arms again, but couldn't help but wonder what had happened to their conversation. "I noticed how you have changed the subject here..."

"Well, to be honest, all this talk of marriage does not really appeal to me. It's not you Karis, but I have had four husbands in the Underdark and all of these were pathetic sycophants whose only task was to share my bed at regular intervals. I would not like compare you with those four moronic males." Viconia said sincerely.

"Ah, it was just some silly pillow-talk, Viconia. A nice thought perhaps, but it's just an idle fantasy, kindled by Caan's insults." Karis told her.

"Perhaps... There is nothing wrong with our current arrangement, and I see no reason to change it because Caan might wish it." Viconia added adamently thought she could not supress a yawn,

"Let us just sleep then, and speak nothing more of it."

"Hmmm..." Viconia replied sleepily and both lovers fell asleep in eachother's arms.

---

When Lady Delcia Caan woke up after a good night's rest, she had dressed and walked over to her small dresser. 'Hmmm. That's odd.' She thought. 'My handmirror is gone!' Lady Delcia sighed disgustedly. She would have to have a little talk with Captain Cernick about this. Those commoners are all thieves and criminals! 'No matter,' She thought and closed her eyes as she batted her power-puff on her face. Sighing heavily, she walked out of her room to the breakfast table. While passing some of the lowly servants of the keep, she could not help but hear them snickering behind her back... Puzzled and angered, she continued her way to the breakfast table. As she entered the dining hall, all those gathered there, both noble and not bursted into violent laughter. Even major Domo and Captain Cernick could not supress their laughter and as Lady Delcia noticed her reflection in a mirror mounted on the wall, she found out why:

Her entire face was covered in pitch-black soot, instead of her usual white powder.

"Hey, jalil" Viconia shouted through her laughter. "Trying to pass for Drow, hm? I hear the Sigil Troupe is auditioning."

Never having been so humiliated in her entire life, the crone sped back through the corridors to find some water to wash the soot off her face. As soon as she opened the door to her room, however, her wish was granted. A small bucket, half-filled with water, toppled from the desk next to the door and soaked her clothes completely.

As Lady Delcia screamed in horror, a tiny Drow looked around the corner and giggled softly. 'That should teach her not to say bad things out my momma and daddy!' Vierna thought with joy as she fell into another fit of giggles. She had to thank uncle Jan, for showing her all those things you could do with a simple rope... And Daleson, the stableboy, who had carried the bucket up the stairs for her, even though the bucket wasn't all that heavy.

Then, without warning, the little Drow was yanked into the open.

"You! You made me lose face in front of the commoners!" Lady Delcia shouted as she dragged the struggling girl inside her room. "You little, ill-bred urchin! I'll show you how we used to deal with bothersome children in the past!"

She sat down on a chair and pulled the kicking and screaming girl on her lap, preparing to give her the spanking of a life-time, but as soon as she intended to begin, Lady Delcia screamed in pain as Vierna bit her hand with all her strength. Lady Delcia let Vierna go and as the Drow child landed on her feet, she ran towards the door. As Lady Delcia rubbed her painful hand she suddenly became aware that the girl had turned around and was running towards her again. Without warning, a sharp pain exploded in her leg as she tiny Drow kicked her in the left shin. Lady Delcia howled again and as soon as she rubbed her painful leg, Vierna kicked her again, this time in the right shin.

Lady Delcia slid off her chair and lay on the floor. As she glance towards the door, she noticed Vierna sticking out her purple tongue at her, just before the girl ran off again.

---

Later that evening, Lady Delcia, not fully recovered from this morning's escapade, was having dinner with Karis, Viconia and Nalia. From time to time, she and Vierna faced off at the dinner-table, boring holes in each other's skull with their eyes. But right now, Delcia was locked in verbal combat with Vierna's father.

"So you mean to say, you allow your servants to have off-days?!" Delcia asked Karis with all due astonishment.

"Yes, as often as they want to..." Karis replied with a hint of irritation.

"You fool! It is their gods-given perpose in life to serve from birth on! They are not to be given free time... Any such actions divert from their duties!"

"Excuse me, if I don't treat the people around me like slaves." Karis replied, appalled by this woman's beliefs.

"And that is why you will never be a true nobleman... Aside from not having the proper blood, you fail to acknowledge the most fundamental truths of life." Delcia retorted.

'If you only knew whose blood was running through my veins, then perhaps you would shut your bloody hole sometimes.' Karis thought wryly, but wisely kept his mouth shut.

"Perhaps it is now time to make the announcement I have been planning to make ever since coming back to the keep." Lady Delcia said as she stood up from her chair. "Seeing how our current weapons-master has botched his task to uphold the noble traditions of this Keep, and now that the Roenalls no longer treaten to take away the Keep, I ask that Nalia ends her partnership with you since I am once again taking up residence here..."

"But aunty!" Nalia suddenly spoke up, "You are living in Athkatla now... You were happy... We were happy." But Nalia stopped herself from adding, with you in Athkatla.

"As the noblewoman of this keep now, I have some demands to make." Delcia said, ignoring her niece. "First, all of the measures taken since my absense are to be reversed. Second, you must get rid of the cat. My allergies..."

"You can't send my Kitty away!" Vierna suddenly cried and looked to her mother for support. Viconia was simply staring in the distance with a blank look on her face.

"Oh, do not worry, brat!" Delcia chuckled. "For my last demand, I order that little Vierna is to be sent away to a bording-school. With my connections, I am sure she will be accepted, even though she is Drow."

"You will not be sending my daughter ANYWHERE!" Karis shouted at the crone.

"Oh, you can always leave..." Delcia retored. But then a small glob of mashed potato splatted on her face and slowly slid off her cheek. Looking at the Drow child, she noticed Vierna was holding a spoon in her hand and was showing a smirk on her little face. It took her only a second to reload and shoot another pasty projectile in Delcia's face.

"You little brat! If your mother would spank you sometimes, you wouldn't be such a..."

But Lady Delcia Caan was never able to finish her sentence. Viconia, who had been silent through the entire conversation grabbed a steak-knife and launched herself over the table. As soon as she landed on her feet, she punched the crone into a wall and pressed the knife against the Crone's throat with great force.

"You listen to me, Elg'Caress. My daughter told me what happened this morning, but both Nalia and Karis convinced me to take no action. But now your luck has run out. If you ever... EVER point a finger at my daughter again, I will make sure you will learn more about pain, than you even would have wanted to know!"

"Hit her, momma!" Vierna giggled.

"I... I am not afraid to die in the name of nobility!" Delcia retorted, but Viconia could read in her eyes that the crone was terrified of what her fate might be in the hands of the enraged Drow.

Karis gently put his hand over Viconia's and smiled at her, convincing Viconia to put down the knife and let go of the old hag.

"You've been planning this from the start, haven't you?" Nalia asked suspiciously. "Very well... Karis, I'm afraid our partnership is now over." Nalia told him, fished a document from her pouch and handed it to him.

"Are... are you sure?" Karis said as he read through the document and handed it to Viconia.

"Yes..." She said as she shot a look at her aunt, who was smiling smugly. "Now more than ever."

"Finally, you are seeing sense, child!" Delcia replied happily.

"Not really, aunty," Nalia replied with an angry tone, "You see, I can think ahead as well. If Karis and Viconia will sign that document, the lands will be formally owned by them and not the De'Arnise or Caan families! Sign it, Karis, I already have! You've earned its ownership more than aunty has!"

Lady Delcia blanched (a hard thing to do through her powdered face!) and found herself no being able to speak a word as her plan blew up in her face. "I... I order you not to sign, commoners! I am a noblewoman! You must obey, commoner!" She tried.

Viconia snorted and grabbed the document. "Vith'os Elg'caress!" She smirked as she sighed her name in her delicate calligraphy. Karis smiled at Nalia once more and then sighed the document himself. Nalia then used her magical signet-ring to make the document official.

"Welcome to the league of Amnish Landowners," she told Karis and Viconia, "And may the gods have mercy on your souls." She added with a smile.

Then, Nalia turned back to her aunty. "Go home." She told Delcia without emotion and then walked up the stairs heading to her spelltower.

---

Minsc and Boo were walking towards the keep entrance to invite Vierna and her friends over to watch a family of badgers Boo had found in the forest, when he noticed a bustle of activity as he entered the courtyard.

"Boo, do you know whose carriage that is?" Minsc asked his faithful hamster. But, judging from the squeek, Boo did not know either.

Then an elderly lady stormed out of the Keep, followed suit by Karis, Viconia and Vierna. The elderly lady shot a dirty look back at them as she made her way to her carriage.

"Who is that?" Minsc asked Karis as the elderly lady shouted at her driver.

"Oh, just some old lady. Quite senile I believe." Viconia replied. Then Viconia got a really wicked idea. "And," She added, "She has tried to hit Vierna."

Minsc's eyes widened and Viconia could swear she could even hear Boo growl from his pocket. The large ranger turned towards the crone and snarled at her. "You try to hurt a sweet little girl like Vierna?! You are not NICE! THERE SHALL BE LIBERAL BUTT-KICKING NOW!!!"

The carriage, carrying Lady Delcia, screeched off the keepgrounds leaving her luggage still standing. Unfortunately for her, the large ranger sped after her in hot persuit, chasing her all the way back to the city...

---

"So Minsc destroyed the carriage?" Viconia asked her lover as they lay in bed that evening.

"Not really," Karis chuckled. "It ran off the road when one of the axels broke. I believe Lady Delcia ended up in a mucky bog."

"Should we send her her luggage?"

"Already taken care off. But I believe Vierna and Imoen have sabotaged the suitcases with magical stink-bombs."

"Pity we won't see those explode while she opens them." Viconia chuckled.

"So..." Karis began. "We're legitimete landowners now."

"So Vierna is the heiress, even though we're not married?"

"That's what the document says. Pity, though..."

"What is?"

"Now I won't get so see you in a beautiful white dress." Karis said as he smiled at his lover.

"Well, for what I'm planning right now, I don't need to wear a dress." She smirked and pressed her lips to his as she took her lover in a passionate embrace.
 




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