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Ask Edwin!


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#1 Laufey

Posted 25 May 2003 - 04:11 PM

Ask Edwin!

The Faerunian Times is once again pleased to introduce one of its most popular regular features. We bring you ‘Ask Edwin’, where renowned Advice Columnist Edwin Odesseiron answers letters from our dear readers, solving their problems by applying his keen intellect and highly individual brand of professional empathy.

Dear Edwin!

My problem is that nobody seems to know my name. They don’t appreciate me for the unique human individual that I am, a snowflake different from all other snowflakes. Instead they see me as an interchangeable clone, a randomly generated ‘Commoner’, basically an anonymous piece of scenery without anything interesting to say. I happen to be very well read, with a strong interest in both literature, opera, art and modern comparative religion (I attend the Sharess Sisters Charity Service every week) and I have high hopes of one day joining the Council of Six. Yet nobody, absolutely nobody is the least bit interested in me.

Those so-called ‘adventurers’ are the worst. They usually don’t even bother trying to talk to me, unless they’re very inexperienced and try talking to everybody they come across, including rats, cats and trees, in case they’re going to offer a ‘quest’. Oh no, they just yawn in my face and go ‘Oh, look. Another boring Commoner with the same old lines.’ They don’t even give me the chance to discuss my views on what goes on in the city. Serve them right if they don’t find out about those vampires roaming the street, the location of the Cowled Wizards prison or that secret hideout of the Twisted Rune. I won’t run after them to tell them.

Even my wife has taken to calling me ‘Commoner’ these days, since she cannot remember my name, and doesn’t seem inclined to try. Worse, yesterday I found her in bed with my neighbor, Mr Commoner, and her excuse was that she ‘couldn’t tell the difference’. How can resolve my problems, and leave my own personal mark on the world?

‘Generic Peasant’


Dear Boring Peasant!

It comes as no great surprise to me that nobody finds you interesting enough to recall your name, since your letter was one of the dullest bits of drivel I have had the misfortune to read since the infamous Jansen one. For anybody to try to remember you would mean a devastating loss of brain power, something that most of the monkeys residing in these parts really cannot afford to do without completely shutting down all bodily functions. Clearly they are operating out of a rudimentary sense of self-preservation when they try to ignore your miserably pathetic existence.

The best you can do is to try to take advantage of the situation as well as you can. I would suggest paying a visit to one of the lovely ladies appropriately named ‘Courtesan’. If your wife objects, deny everything and state that she has you confused with another ‘Commoner’ and that you never had sexual intercourse with the woman. (And that if you did, at least you didn’t inhale.)

Alternatively, seek out a recently dead ‘Commoner’, which can usually be found in the vicinity of passing adventuring parties, and then collect on the inheritance, claiming to be a close relative. Due to your anonymous nature, nobody can prove otherwise. And do not bother me again, or there will be a Fireball with your name on it heading your way.

Sincerely yours,

Edwin Odesseiron, Master of Empathic Advice



Dear Edwin!

Oh, my wings have been clipped! My beautiful white wings! How will I ever survive crawling about on the ground like some pathetic insect and…

Snip 30 pages of tedious whining.

…and so I wonder, how can I ever possibly learn to live like this?

‘Wingless in Athkatla’


Dear Wingless!

The ‘wingless’ situation might possibly be overcome, but the ‘brainless’ one is more difficult to deal with. Since it is in fact impossible to live without a brain, then logic clearly stipulates that you must already be dead. Find yourself a nice, airtight mausoleum and have somebody lock the door behind you, there should be plenty of people eager to help. Very soon, the only insects to offend your sensitive soul will be the ones who crawl below the ground, and through your rotting ribcage.

Edwin Odesseiron, Pest Exterminator



Dear Edwin!

We are two proud and ambitious Evil Overlords, who have an extremely serious problem. While we are more than capable of slaughtering, terrorizing, nefarious plotting, soul stealing, extensive ranting and villainous laughter, we still find it hard to maintain a properly fearsome public image.

For instance, people constantly mock my favorite outfit, a very dashing ensemble of leather straps, gold buckles, tight pants and mysterious leather mask. For some inexplicable reason they seem to consider it a statement about my sexual preferences, which simply is not true. I do not spank people for pleasure, since I am incapable of feeling pleasure. I only spank people in order to extract their immortal souls and become a God, nothing out of the ordinary.

My colleague has a similar problem. Everybody he encounters belittles his favorite suit of armor, a very impressively spiky one. Giggling, snorting, guffawing, sneering, and likening it to a mutated hedgehog are just a few of the indignities he has been forced to suffer.

While the offenders can certainly be killed, it is very tedious to be forced to keep doing so. Knowing that you are a man of rare and exquisite taste, we now ask for your advice about how to best uphold our public image of Unamusing Evil without sacrificing our personal styles. (Photos have been attached for your convenience.)

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

‘Spanky and Spiky’


Dear Fellow Sufferers!

Your words truly strike a cord in my heart. I, too, have been mocked by those fashion-blind people who are amazingly incapable of understanding the pure necessity of sequins and liberal use of gold thread in an outfit. Alas, even those nearest and dearest to me seem hopelessly unable to appreciate my superior sense of fashion, especially as it concerns my highly stylish new nosering that further enhances the already divine handsomeness of my features. Instead they choose to make ‘humorous’ remarks about it. (It is my face, and I will do what I like. And I’m not being ‘childish’ just because I slammed a door or two.)

To return to your predicament: Never sacrifice your personal style for the sake of conforming to popular opinion. Remember, you are supposed to be trendsetters, not anonymous drones like a certain ‘Commoner’ who was bothering me lately. Once you are firmly established in a position of power, you can always implement a law that makes your own favorite garment the only legal one to wear. In fact, now that I think about it, that is what I myself will do when I become Ruler of the Universe. You both might as well go shopping for gold thread right now, before it is too late.

Edwin Odesseiron, Fashion God



Dear Edwin!

I have a highly unusual problem. I am a powerful, if young, adventurer, but a novice in the ways of love. This is the result of having grown up in a library, and only having been let out a few months back, so although I’ve studied lots of encyclopedias, I have no practice to speak of. Now, all of a sudden, no less than three different women are fighting over me, clearly desperate for my attention. They all want my body, they will probably soon start fighting to the death, and I really don’t know what to do. Can you help me sort this problem out?

CHARNAME (Not to be confused with my twin sister, CHARNAME)


Dear CHARNAME!

Exactly what is the problem you refer to?

Edwin Odesseiron, (feeling unusually confused)



Dear Edwin!

I am an attractive, strong-willed, clever, sexy and above all single adventuress. Right now I’m starting to find the loneliness of the road a bit too much. I want some fun company, true love, a soul mate, or at least an excellent romp between the sheets.

You wouldn’t think this would be too difficult to arrange, would you? Well, neither did I. When I first arrived in Athkatls I was amazed at how many attractive, interesting and single (mostly, except for Keldorn) men I constantly seemed to run into. And yet, now I am severely disappointed.

You see, none of them seem the least bit interested in flirting with me. Well, except for this one priest with a chip on his shoulder, multiple personality disorder and a rather annoying voice. I mean, he’s pretty cute and not entirely hopeless, BUT I WANT SOME CHOICE, DAMMIT! Especially since my twin brother, CHARNAME, can’t take a step without another woman throwing herself at him. (Three at the latest count, and I’m willing to bet there will be more females ordering him to share their bed later on.)

What is a lonely girl to do?

Yours,

CHARNAME


Dear CHARNAME!

The solution to your problem is very simple, really no challenge for my level of genius. Simply send me a few pictures of yourself, as well as one of the ten-page application forms that can be picked up at this paper’s office, describing yourself in as much detail as possible.

Should I deem you worthy of the grace of my magnificent presence, dazzling wit and unparalleled mortal body, I will consider adding you to my growing troupe of Gasping Concubines, and granting you the privilege of enjoying my legendary Erotic Onslaught.

Edwin Odesseiron, Great Wizard, Prince of Passion.

Rogues do it from behind.




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