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Throne Of Cards 64


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#1 Laufey

Posted 29 May 2017 - 09:35 PM

Throne Of Cards 64 – Murder Most Fowl

 

When it comes to my inner circle of friends and family, I’ve pretty much banged the closet doors open and tossed all the secret skeletons out. Still, even after the nightmares, the bloodlust and the Slayer, I hadn’t counted on just to what extent my dead sire was capable of making my life miserable.  

 

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

 

With a deafening bang, the large rock hit the canyon floor, stirring a high cloud of choking red dust. The rock was about the size of a small cottage, with jagged sharp edges, and it had fallen from enough of a height to leave a small crater in the ground. Zaerini stared at it, momentarily too stunned for words. It was right in front of her, so close her nose nearly bumped into it. It practically touched her toes. If I hadn’t paused to look at that weasel scampering across the path, I’d have been right underneath it when it fell, squished into goo. No, Bhaalspawn, so dust. Not an improvement. She hoped the weasel hadn’t had time to suffer much, and was very thankful she couldn’t see what was under the rock right now. Behind her, her companions were stood stock still as well, most likely as shocked as she felt.

 

“Look!” Imoen shouted, her voice shrill. “Up there!”

 

Rini craned her neck back, trying to see what was up at the top of the canyon. Humanoid shapes, sharply outlined against the blue sky, just silhouettes. The shimmering hot air blurred their edges, making it even harder to see details, but she still thought there was something odd about their proportions. They seemed large. Too large.

 

“Giants,” Edwin said. He sounded rather disgusted. “Such an exceedingly…”

 

Whatever the wizard had been about to say was rudely interrupted as Dekaras grabbed him by the back of his robe, hurriedly shoving him aside before a second rock had time to land on him and turn him into an even redder wizard than before.

 

“Fall back!” Rini called out. “There are more of them up there!” And yes, there were more large shapes moving about up there, and plenty of rocks. The bard and her friends made a hurried, and somewhat undignified retreat, running as fast as they dared back the same way they’d come until they reached a shallow valley with a small lake and a few rather pitiful twisted trees. At least the giants didn’t seem inclined to chase after them, which was one small relief. What a day. And to think it all started so well.

 

-*-

 

The day had in fact started with a very pleasant brunch at the Odesseiron Mansion, complete with all the little luxuries that could be expected from a noble Thayvian household. Imoen had made a beeline for the ice-cream sculpted into the shape of a roaring dragon with frost magic, and it hadn’t taken long at all for predator to become prey. There had been many other delicacies as well, fresh fruit, cold and warm meat, fish, freshly baked bread, little cakes that literally melted in your mouth and much, much more.

 

“Do you always eat like this?” She asked her lover. “If so, how come none of you are too fat to walk?”

 

“Oh, not always,” Edwin said with a quick wave of his hand. “Obviously everything is always of the highest quality (As it should be) but this is a bit out of the ordinary. Mother is in a good mood, and also she wanted to meet all my ‘little friends’ so she’s laying on the hospitality.”

 

Rini looked over towards the end of the table. Elvira was deep in conversation with Viconia. Both women seemed both amused and highly focused on whatever they were talking about. Now and then one of them would make a little stabbing gesture or draw a diagram in breadcrumbs on the pristine white tablecloth. “I wonder what they’re talking about?” She whispered.

 

Edwin sighed briefly. “Anything from how to complete world domination to the local variations in the arts of erotic onslaught,” He said. “Quite possibly both. (I’m not entirely sure if I should be pleased or worried.)”

 

“Speaking of which, where is Vadrak this morning?” Rini asked in her most innocent voice, privately amused to see the wizard cough and go red. “Sleeping in?”

 

“Running some errands, or so Mother told me,” Edwin said once he was able to breathe properly again. “I would assume he’ll take the time to stop by Auntie Poppy as well to let her know he’s alive and well, or she’d probably kneecap him.”

 

“Fair enough, as long as we won’t have to hunt him down again. Once we’re all stocked up we’d better leave for the Marching Mountains.”

 

“Ah yes, to hunt down the hearts of an immortal fire giant and his crazy adopted mother in a desolate mountain fortress. Does the fun never end?”

 

“Aw, think of it as a fun road trip! You, me, and our friends.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and felt pleasant warmth spreading through her stomach as he gave her a small but delighted smile in return. “And besides, I don’t have much choice. I can hunt Yaga-Shura down, or wait until he hunts me down. The first option seems better.” She looked around the room. “Speaking of our friends, I’m glad they all seem to be having a good time. I think we’ve all earned a little holiday, even if just a short one.”

 

To be sure, Minsc was cheerfully stuffing himself, pausing only to feed Boo selected delicacies. Rini had worried briefly that Elvira might disapprove of a hamster on the table, but if the wizardess noticed she hadn’t commented. Perhaps she was used to Edwin summoning various creatures around the house. She’d also worried that Elvira would disapprove of a Rashemani berserker at the table, but again she’d been surprised.

 

“Any friend of Edwin is welcome here,” Elvira had simply said. “And if anybody dares gossip, slander or nitpick, I’ll wring their souls out and use them for dust rags.”

 

Sarevok was enjoying his meal as well, and was currently in a contest with Imoen about who was the best at catching candied nuts in their mouths. Imoen seemed to be winning by a narrow margin. The large warrior had mentioned something about wanting to take a walk in the garden as well before they left. It wasn’t exactly what she had expected of her brother, but then again there were many things she still didn’t know about Sarevok, weren’t there? She hoped there would be more peaceful interludes like this so she’d get the chance to learn more.

 

“Is everybody about done, or do I have the time to run a few tests before we take our leave?” Dekaras said from the doorway. How he had managed to enter as quietly as normal under the circumstances Rini honestly didn’t comprehend. The assassin was carrying a large number of packages, big and small, so many that his arms weren’t quite enough and he had to keep some of them in place with his chin. He looked fairly tired, but also very pleased.

 

“Oh honestly,” Elvira said with a sigh. “Didn’t I tell you that you should bring one or two of the servants so you wouldn’t have to stagger along like a pack-mule?”

 

“Yes, I seem to recall you mentioning something along those lines.”

 

“And?”

 

“And I deemed it unwise.” The assassin carefully adjusted one of his packages, and Rini could just make out a faint sloshing sound. “Since I lost my best weapons and equipment in that little altercation with the Wychlaran, I thought this would be a good opportunity to fully restock and indeed expand upon my inventory. There are many new and interesting inventions currently on the market, but they need to be handled with care. Otherwise, you might find yourself short a few servants, to say nothing of yours truly.”

 

“They explode?”

 

“Only if you handle them wrongly. Or correctly, in some cases.”

 

“Oh, very well. If you bring them along, don’t let Edwin get into them. And I assume trying to get you to have a proper meal is futile, but I will see you once you’re done packing.”

 

“At your command, of course,” The assassin said with a quick smile. He departed with as much haste as was possible given his heavy load, and Rini didn’t miss the fond and slightly unfocused look Elvira gave him. I hope Eddie and me will be like that after that many years together. An unpleasant thought of murderous Bhaalspawn intruded, making her frown. I hope we’ll have that many years together, and more.

 

“What is the matter?” Her lover quietly asked.

 

“Oh, uh, nothing. I mean, everything.”

 

“Impressively eloquent, and yet entirely nonsensical.”

 

“Just a bit of travel fever, all the Bhaalspawn mess.” She quirked a smile and blew a strand of red hair out of her eyes. “Got any ideas about how to settle my nerves?”

 

“But of course. Edwin Odesseiron is, as always, the very epitome of soothing charm, practically oozing it out of every pore, his voice, hands and indeed other important parts enchantingly able to calm, relax, or if necessary entice. (Please let it be entice, at least eventually.)”

 

“Lead the way, Dread Wizard. I’m all packed, and I figure we’ve got a couple of hours before everyone’s set to leave. Let’s see what you can do in that time, shall we?”

 

Edwin smiled.

 

-*-

 

“So, now what do we do?” Viconia asked. “That route would seem to be entirely impassable unless you’re willing to risk half of us ending up as wet stains on the ground.”

 

“Which I’m not,” Zaerini said. She was hot and annoyed, the dusty air was irritating her nose and lungs, the persistent smell of sulphur from the hot springs dotting the area didn’t improve things, and now this. “This is…just a setback. That’s all. We’ll figure something out.”

 

“Can you take us closer to Yaga Shura’s big old Fortress of Doom?” Imoen said. “Just an itsy bitsy bit closer so we don’t have to run the giant gauntlet?”

 

“I’m afraid not. I’m not a full expert on how this teleportation thing works yet, but it seems it won’t let me choose completely, it’ll land me somewhere it thinks I need to be. Not that I feel an urgent need to have rocks dropped on me, but I’m afraid this is it. Think you guys could scout another way through?”

 

The two resident rogues looked at each other.

 

“Maybe,” Imoen said, sounding a little doubtful. “Eventually. It could take a long time though, these canyons are like a maze.”

 

“True,” Dekaras admitted. “And while I have a fairly good sense of direction, this is not an area I am in any way familiar with, nor could I find any reliable maps. Not surprising perhaps, given it’s a complete wilderness with deadly fire giants as the only permanent residents.”

 

“Minsc, what about you?” Rini asked, feeling a little desperate now. “You’re a ranger, you’re good at tracking and stuff like that, right?”

 

“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

“Yes? Where are they?”

 

“Over that way,” Minsc proudly proclaimed, pointing back the way they had come from. “Also, all around the place, or so Boo tells me.”

 

“Well,” Edwin said with a snort. “That was about as helpful as a paper bathtub, initially promising in appearance and yet ultimately disappointing.”

 

“I notice you make no suggestions about how your marvelous magic will help resolve the situation,” Sarevok said in a deceptively mild voice.

 

“That is because I’ve focused on far, far more interesting and indeed useful spells than Divination, I’ll have you know! Furthermore…”

 

But whatever Edwin had been about to say was abrubtly cut off by a soft thump, and a panicked ‘SQUAWK!’ Six heads suddenly turned to see Dekaras holding a plump white chicken by its neck, one of his daggers gently ruffling the feathers. The chicken was clucking desperately, its beady little black eyes rolling this way and that.

 

“Vadrak?” Zaerini asked, feeling a little worried about what answer she might get. She’d thought her friend had seemed perfectly normal after his recent ordeal, but after all who knew how it could have affected him? “Why…what are you doing with that chicken?”

 

“This chicken,” the assassin said, not taking his eyes off the animal, “Is no ordinary chicken. I wouldn’t underestimate it if I were you. It was lurking behind a rock, listening to our conversation. Furthermore, just as I grabbed it, it was starting to cast a spell.”

 

“What…but…it’s a chicken. Chickens don’t…” The half-elf felt silent, suddenly remembering something. “Then again, we did meet that mage apprentice who got himself accidentally turned into a chicken. Melicamp, wasn’t it? Maybe it’s a more common accident than we thought. Think this is a human under a spell?”

 

“I wouldn’t know. But I do know that it’s not alone. I heard other creatures close by, two or maybe three more, all of them sounding small.” Dekaras raised his voice. “You may as well come out. If you mean no harm, we will cause you none.”

 

“On the other hand,” Sarevok filled in, “If you do, it’s about suppertime, and a roast chicken would suit me perfectly. It’s up to you, but I think my friend here is feeling a little twitchy. You should probably show yourselves soon if you want this to end somewhere else than a spit.”

 

There was a faint murmur behind a cluster of large red rocks, as of shrill voices trying to whisper but not being entirely quiet about it. Then there was the sound of shuffling little feet, and three peculiar beings emerged. The first was something Rini had sincerely hoped never to see again, a tiny blue skinned humanoid, with sharp teeth and glittering eyes. Ew, a Xvart. Can’t say I missed those little buggers. Please don’t let it start singing. The second was another small humanoid, this one green, with large pointed ears. It was clutching a small club defiantly. And a goblin. And to complete the set, the third one. The third one was also mostly humanoid, but with a dog-like snout and a tail vaguely resembling that of a lizard. In its tiny paws it held a very feeble bow, trembling from nerves. Of course, it had to be a kobold. If it shoots fire arrows at me I’ll probably be happy to have it for dessert after the chicken.

 

“Please, no harm!” The goblin squeaked. “Mighty Bhaalspawn, do no harm to tiny helpless Bhaalspawn! Us just be small adventure group, called ‘Small Wonder’.”

 

“Oh, well, that’s all right then…come again? Did you say...you’re Bhaalspawn?”

 

“That be right! I be Tibbit, I take point and hit things! This be Toop, he our healer!” The Xvart bowed. “And this be Merlinious, him like stabby shooty things!” The kobold yipped in approval.

 

“And…the chicken?” Imoen asked, staring with wide eyes at the struggling bird.

 

“Him be Chinchilla, him lots clever mage. Can let him go now, yes? No eat? If no eat, us can help, maybe show way to giant place, yes?”

 

“Can we just go back to that part about you all being Bhaalspawn again?” Sarevok said, looking as if he was choking on a lemon.

 

“Oh, what is so complicated,” Viconia said, her red eyes sparkling with amusement. “This would seem to have turned into a veritable family reunion. Tell me, what other estranged siblings do you think we might run across? Perhaps an earwig Bhaalspawn? A jellyfish Bhaalspawn? Your late sire seems to have been delightfully deviant, if barking mad.” All the other non-Bhaalspawn present seemed to be having a hard time trying not to laugh, even Edwin, which was extremely unfair in Zaerini’s book. Meanwhile, her two siblings – her two human siblings – were looking grumpier by the moment.

 

Imagining Bhaal and a fire giant was bad enough. Now I’ll have mental images of Bhaal and a kobold. Or Bhaal and a chicken. My sire won’t even have to make any effort to give me nightmares anymore. Still, diplomacy, diplomacy.

 

“Fine,” She sighed. “I guess we have a deal. We won’t hurt you, and if you can get us to the giant’s fortress we’d be very grateful. Vadrak, would you let go of the chicken please?”

 

“Of course,” The assassin readily agreed. “I shall cause no harm to your brother, unless he attempts to unleash his deadly magic upon us. Or would it be sister? Apologies, I am not an expert on chicken anatomy. Would ‘Fowl-kin’ be agreeable?”

 

This is going to be a really, really long day.


Rogues do it from behind.

#2 Theodur

Posted 30 May 2017 - 01:24 PM

 

Throne Of Cards 64 – Murder Most Fowl

 

 

Can we get some bear puns in on this as well, or are just going to stick with the avian theme, here? Either way, I'm sure it will be eggcellent.

 

“Fall back!” Rini called out. “There are more of them up there!” And yes, there were more large shapes moving about up there, and plenty of rocks. The bard and her friends made a hurried, and somewhat undignified retreat, running as fast as they dared back the same way they’d come until they reached a shallow valley with a small lake and a few rather pitiful twisted trees. At least the giants didn’t seem inclined to chase after them, which was one small relief. What a day. And to think it all started so well.

 

 

It's not how you start, it's how you finish. I learned that from watching the Hell's Kitchen.

 

Rini looked over towards the end of the table. Elvira was deep in conversation with Viconia. Both women seemed both amused and highly focused on whatever they were talking about. Now and then one of them would make a little stabbing gesture or draw a diagram in breadcrumbs on the pristine white tablecloth. “I wonder what they’re talking about?” She whispered.

 

 

Didn't you know that Evil aligned people automatically get along?

 

Edwin sighed briefly. “Anything from how to complete world domination to the local variations in the arts of erotic onslaught,” He said. “Quite possibly both. (I’m not entirely sure if I should be pleased or worried.)”

 

World domination by erotic onslaught. That sounds for good. As for Edwin, you should be partly pleased and partly worried. I'll leave it to you to decide which parts.

 

“Running some errands, or so Mother told me,” Edwin said once he was able to breathe properly again. “I would assume he’ll take the time to stop by Auntie Poppy as well to let her know he’s alive and well, or she’d probably kneecap him.”

 

I guess he didn't knock.

 

“Aw, think of it as a fun road trip! You, me, and our friends.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and felt pleasant warmth spreading through her stomach as he gave her a small but delighted smile in return. “And besides, I don’t have much choice. I can hunt Yaga-Shura down, or wait until he hunts me down. The first option seems better.” She looked around the room. “Speaking of our friends, I’m glad they all seem to be having a good time. I think we’ve all earned a little holiday, even if just a short one.”

 

 

Thay is kinda seriously out of the way. You could probably drop off the grid quite successfully there. Eh, but we need the story to continue.

 

“Any friend of Edwin is welcome here,” Elvira had simply said. “And if anybody dares gossip, slander or nitpick, I’ll wring their souls out and use them for dust rags.”

 

And if anyone asks, just tell them that Minsc is cosplaying.

 

“At your command, of course,” The assassin said with a quick smile. He departed with as much haste as was possible given his heavy load, and Rini didn’t miss the fond and slightly unfocused look Elvira gave him. I hope Eddie and me will be like that after that many years together. An unpleasant thought of murderous Bhaalspawn intruded, making her frown. I hope we’ll have that many years together, and more.

 

I'm kinda cynical about these things, but when you go through things like the Bhaalspawn Wars together, I think it kinda forges much stronger than average bond.

 

“But of course. Edwin Odesseiron is, as always, the very epitome of soothing charm, practically oozing it out of every pore, his voice, hands and indeed other important parts enchantingly able to calm, relax, or if necessary entice. (Please let it be entice, at least eventually.)”

 

 

Perhaps you should take a bath, Edwin. You seem to be oozing...

 

“I’m afraid not. I’m not a full expert on how this teleportation thing works yet, but it seems it won’t let me choose completely, it’ll land me somewhere it thinks I need to be. Not that I feel an urgent need to have rocks dropped on me, but I’m afraid this is it. Think you guys could scout another way through?”

 

 

The teleport thing has probably decided that you need a bit of a challenge...

 

 

“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

“Yes? Where are they?”

 

What? You can SEE them right over there, throwing stuff at you! :D

 

“Vadrak?” Zaerini asked, feeling a little worried about what answer she might get. She’d thought her friend had seemed perfectly normal after his recent ordeal, but after all who knew how it could have affected him? “Why…what are you doing with that chicken?”

 

 

Do you think he has been asked that before?

 

“This chicken,” the assassin said, not taking his eyes off the animal, “Is no ordinary chicken. I wouldn’t underestimate it if I were you. It was lurking behind a rock, listening to our conversation. Furthermore, just as I grabbed it, it was starting to cast a spell.”

 

Forsooth. You always have to say forsooth if you want to refer to it as no ordinary chicken.

 

“Please, no harm!” The goblin squeaked. “Mighty Bhaalspawn, do no harm to tiny helpless Bhaalspawn! Us just be small adventure group, called ‘Small Wonder’.”

 

It is actually no small wonder that you have survived this long.

 

“Oh, what is so complicated,” Viconia said, her red eyes sparkling with amusement. “This would seem to have turned into a veritable family reunion. Tell me, what other estranged siblings do you think we might run across? Perhaps an earwig Bhaalspawn? A jellyfish Bhaalspawn? Your late sire seems to have been delightfully deviant, if barking mad.” All the other non-Bhaalspawn present seemed to be having a hard time trying not to laugh, even Edwin, which was extremely unfair in Zaerini’s book. Meanwhile, her two siblings – her two human siblings – were looking grumpier by the moment.

 

 

Oh, you think you have it bad by being embarrassed? Try actually BEING a Bhaalspawn hen!

 

“Of course,” The assassin readily agreed. “I shall cause no harm to your brother, unless he attempts to unleash his deadly magic upon us. Or would it be sister? Apologies, I am not an expert on chicken anatomy. Would ‘Fowl-kin’ be agreeable?”

 

 

Oh dear, be grateful that you haven't met one of these modern fowl-kin, Dekkie...

 

 


The future teaches you to be alone
The present to be afraid and cold


#3 Laufey

Posted 30 May 2017 - 03:02 PM

 

 

Throne Of Cards 64 – Murder Most Fowl

 

 

Can we get some bear puns in on this as well, or are just going to stick with the avian theme, here? Either way, I'm sure it will be eggcellent.

 

I may have reached the beak of my capacity as it is. :) 

 

“Fall back!” Rini called out. “There are more of them up there!” And yes, there were more large shapes moving about up there, and plenty of rocks. The bard and her friends made a hurried, and somewhat undignified retreat, running as fast as they dared back the same way they’d come until they reached a shallow valley with a small lake and a few rather pitiful twisted trees. At least the giants didn’t seem inclined to chase after them, which was one small relief. What a day. And to think it all started so well.

 

 

It's not how you start, it's how you finish. I learned that from watching the Hell's Kitchen.

​Oooh temptation, I wonder if I could get a Ramsay parody in here...

 

 

Rini looked over towards the end of the table. Elvira was deep in conversation with Viconia. Both women seemed both amused and highly focused on whatever they were talking about. Now and then one of them would make a little stabbing gesture or draw a diagram in breadcrumbs on the pristine white tablecloth. “I wonder what they’re talking about?” She whispered.

 

 

Didn't you know that Evil aligned people automatically get along?

​I may have misplaced that rulebook. :) But you may possibly remember that *way* back Weyoun and me wrote a collaboration where Elvira and Viconia were penpals. This is a bit of a reference to that, I always thought they'd have a lot in common. 

 

 

Edwin sighed briefly. “Anything from how to complete world domination to the local variations in the arts of erotic onslaught,” He said. “Quite possibly both. (I’m not entirely sure if I should be pleased or worried.)”

 

World domination by erotic onslaught. That sounds for good. As for Edwin, you should be partly pleased and partly worried. I'll leave it to you to decide which parts.

​Aptly put!

 

 

“Running some errands, or so Mother told me,” Edwin said once he was able to breathe properly again. “I would assume he’ll take the time to stop by Auntie Poppy as well to let her know he’s alive and well, or she’d probably kneecap him.”

 

I guess he didn't knock.

​I'll leave that mercifully vague, I think! If he didn't, Edwin has only himself to blame. 

 

 

“Aw, think of it as a fun road trip! You, me, and our friends.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and felt pleasant warmth spreading through her stomach as he gave her a small but delighted smile in return. “And besides, I don’t have much choice. I can hunt Yaga-Shura down, or wait until he hunts me down. The first option seems better.” She looked around the room. “Speaking of our friends, I’m glad they all seem to be having a good time. I think we’ve all earned a little holiday, even if just a short one.”

 

 

 

Thay is kinda seriously out of the way. You could probably drop off the grid quite successfully there. Eh, but we need the story to continue.

​And besides, if they took too long a break Yaga Shura would just keep leveling up!

 

“Any friend of Edwin is welcome here,” Elvira had simply said. “And if anybody dares gossip, slander or nitpick, I’ll wring their souls out and use them for dust rags.”

 

 

And if anyone asks, just tell them that Minsc is cosplaying.

​I want to see that now! Minsc could do an excellent Hulk, for one thing. 

 

“At your command, of course,” The assassin said with a quick smile. He departed with as much haste as was possible given his heavy load, and Rini didn’t miss the fond and slightly unfocused look Elvira gave him. I hope Eddie and me will be like that after that many years together. An unpleasant thought of murderous Bhaalspawn intruded, making her frown. I hope we’ll have that many years together, and more.

 

I'm kinda cynical about these things, but when you go through things like the Bhaalspawn Wars together, I think it kinda forges much stronger than average bond.

​I think you're right there. 

 

 

“But of course. Edwin Odesseiron is, as always, the very epitome of soothing charm, practically oozing it out of every pore, his voice, hands and indeed other important parts enchantingly able to calm, relax, or if necessary entice. (Please let it be entice, at least eventually.)”

 

 

Perhaps you should take a bath, Edwin. You seem to be oozing...

​I think he wouldn't mind a bath, at least if Rini would join him. 

 

 

“I’m afraid not. I’m not a full expert on how this teleportation thing works yet, but it seems it won’t let me choose completely, it’ll land me somewhere it thinks I need to be. Not that I feel an urgent need to have rocks dropped on me, but I’m afraid this is it. Think you guys could scout another way through?”

 

 

The teleport thing has probably decided that you need a bit of a challenge...

​Can't have them drop straight into the treasure room,  that would be no fun! 

 

 

 

“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

“Yes? Where are they?”

 

What? You can SEE them right over there, throwing stuff at you! :D

​Actually the gang ran some distance away from them by now. 

 

 

“Vadrak?” Zaerini asked, feeling a little worried about what answer she might get. She’d thought her friend had seemed perfectly normal after his recent ordeal, but after all who knew how it could have affected him? “Why…what are you doing with that chicken?”

 

 

 

Do you think he has been asked that before?

​I don't know, want to ask him yourself?

 

“This chicken,” the assassin said, not taking his eyes off the animal, “Is no ordinary chicken. I wouldn’t underestimate it if I were you. It was lurking behind a rock, listening to our conversation. Furthermore, just as I grabbed it, it was starting to cast a spell.”

 

Forsooth. You always have to say forsooth if you want to refer to it as no ordinary chicken.

​No ordinary talking chicken at that!

 

 

“Please, no harm!” The goblin squeaked. “Mighty Bhaalspawn, do no harm to tiny helpless Bhaalspawn! Us just be small adventure group, called ‘Small Wonder’.”

 

It is actually no small wonder that you have survived this long.

​I thought of naming them 'Mythic' or 'Zerg' or 'Infinity' or similar leet raid guild names, but I think this fits them better!

 

 

“Oh, what is so complicated,” Viconia said, her red eyes sparkling with amusement. “This would seem to have turned into a veritable family reunion. Tell me, what other estranged siblings do you think we might run across? Perhaps an earwig Bhaalspawn? A jellyfish Bhaalspawn? Your late sire seems to have been delightfully deviant, if barking mad.” All the other non-Bhaalspawn present seemed to be having a hard time trying not to laugh, even Edwin, which was extremely unfair in Zaerini’s book. Meanwhile, her two siblings – her two human siblings – were looking grumpier by the moment.

 

 

 

Oh, you think you have it bad by being embarrassed? Try actually BEING a Bhaalspawn hen!

​I know, right? Poor thing. 

 

“Of course,” The assassin readily agreed. “I shall cause no harm to your brother, unless he attempts to unleash his deadly magic upon us. Or would it be sister? Apologies, I am not an expert on chicken anatomy. Would ‘Fowl-kin’ be agreeable?”

 

 

Oh dear, be grateful that you haven't met one of these modern fowl-kin, Dekkie...

 

I think perhaps they should be grateful they haven't met him. :) 

 

 

 


Rogues do it from behind.

#4 Nimloth

Posted 30 May 2017 - 04:19 PM

Quote: If I hadn’t paused to look at that weasel scampering across the path, I’d have been right underneath it when it fell, squished into goo. No, Bhaalspawn, so dust. Not an improvement.

 

Well, look at the bright side of it, Rini: Edwin could always use the dust for his spell components...Kidding, kidding, don't fireball me! :-)

 

Quote: “I wonder what they’re talking about?” She whispered.

 

Edwin sighed briefly. “Anything from how to complete world domination to the local variations in the arts of erotic onslaught,” He said. “Quite possibly both. (I’m not entirely sure if I should be pleased or worried.)”

With malla Viconia DeVir and mistress Elvira Odesseiron planning something together? I vote for worried...No, wait, I vote for "terrified"! :-)

Quote: Sarevok was enjoying his meal as well, and was currently in a contest with Imoen about who was the best at catching candied nuts in their mouths.

Oh, wow, that's definitely an unexpected side of Sarevok. I wonder what Margaret Dawn would say if she saw her big brother doing that...

Margaret Dawn: Doing what? Oh, my...*facepalm*  Sarry,for Ilmater's sake, don't do that! You're not like Immy...

 

Quote: There are many new and interesting inventions currently on the market, but they need to be handled with care. Otherwise, you might find yourself short a few servants, to say nothing of yours truly.”

 

“They explode?”

 

“Only if you handle them wrongly. Or correctly, in some cases.”

I sincerely hope he didn't buy them from a member of the Jansen family! :-)

 

Quote: “Minsc, what about you?” Rini asked, feeling a little desperate now. “You’re a ranger, you’re good at tracking and stuff like that, right?”

 

“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

“Yes? Where are they?”

 

“Over that way,” Minsc proudly proclaimed, pointing back the way they had come from. “Also, all around the place, or so Boo tells me.”

Errr...Yes. Amazing tracking skills, really...

 

Quote:“I wouldn’t know. But I do know that it’s not alone. I heard other creatures close by, two or maybe three more, all of them sounding small.” Dekaras raised his voice. “You may as well come out. If you mean no harm, we will cause you none.”

 

“On the other hand,” Sarevok filled in, “If you do, it’s about suppertime, and a roast chicken would suit me perfectly. It’s up to you, but I think my friend here is feeling a little twitchy. You should probably show yourselves soon if you want this to end somewhere else than a spit.”

Margaret Dawn: *nod* That's my big brother! *proud and happy smile*

 

Quote: The first was something Rini had sincerely hoped never to see again, a tiny blue skinned humanoid, with sharp teeth and glittering eyes. Ew, a Xvart. Can’t say I missed those little buggers. Please don’t let it start singing. The second was another small humanoid, this one green, with large pointed ears. It was clutching a small club defiantly. And a goblin. And to complete the set, the third one. The third one was also mostly humanoid, but with a dog-like snout and a tail vaguely resembling that of a lizard. In its tiny paws it held a very feeble bow, trembling from nerves.

Oh, Gods, I remember them! I nearly fell off the chair laughing when I found out they are Bhaalspawn! Heh, good ol' Bhaal has a very dark side, it seems...*grin*

 

Quote:“Of course,” The assassin readily agreed. “I shall cause no harm to your brother, unless he attempts to unleash his deadly magic upon us. Or would it be sister? Apologies, I am not an expert on chicken anatomy. Would ‘Fowl-kin’ be agreeable?”

Good one, Dekkie!

Really nice chapter, very funny, I liked it a lot! *smile*



#5 Laufey

Posted 30 May 2017 - 08:16 PM

Quote: If I hadn’t paused to look at that weasel scampering across the path, I’d have been right underneath it when it fell, squished into goo. No, Bhaalspawn, so dust. Not an improvement.

 

Well, look at the bright side of it, Rini: Edwin could always use the dust for his spell components...Kidding, kidding, don't fireball me!

​Most other people, I think he'd be very tempted indeed!

:smile:

 

Quote: “I wonder what they’re talking about?” She whispered.

 

Edwin sighed briefly. “Anything from how to complete world domination to the local variations in the arts of erotic onslaught,” He said. “Quite possibly both. (I’m not entirely sure if I should be pleased or worried.)”

With malla Viconia DeVir and mistress Elvira Odesseiron planning something together? I vote for worried...No, wait, I vote for "terrified"!

​Tremble world!

:smile:

Quote: Sarevok was enjoying his meal as well, and was currently in a contest with Imoen about who was the best at catching candied nuts in their mouths.

Oh, wow, that's definitely an unexpected side of Sarevok. I wonder what Margaret Dawn would say if she saw her big brother doing that...

Margaret Dawn: Doing what? Oh, my...*facepalm*  Sarry,for Ilmater's sake, don't do that! You're not like Immy...

​I'm afraid my Imoen is trying to get him to 'wind down' a bit. Hopefully he won't choke. 

 

Quote: There are many new and interesting inventions currently on the market, but they need to be handled with care. Otherwise, you might find yourself short a few servants, to say nothing of yours truly.”

 

“They explode?”

 

“Only if you handle them wrongly. Or correctly, in some cases.”

I sincerely hope he didn't buy them from a member of the Jansen family! :smile:

​He just might have, he seems very fascinated by Jan's inventions. And the thing is, Jan's inventions usually are good, just sometimes erratic. 

 

Quote: “Minsc, what about you?” Rini asked, feeling a little desperate now. “You’re a ranger, you’re good at tracking and stuff like that, right?”

 

“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

“Yes? Where are they?”

 

“Over that way,” Minsc proudly proclaimed, pointing back the way they had come from. “Also, all around the place, or so Boo tells me.”

Errr...Yes. Amazing tracking skills, really...

​It worked!

 

Quote:“I wouldn’t know. But I do know that it’s not alone. I heard other creatures close by, two or maybe three more, all of them sounding small.” Dekaras raised his voice. “You may as well come out. If you mean no harm, we will cause you none.”

 

“On the other hand,” Sarevok filled in, “If you do, it’s about suppertime, and a roast chicken would suit me perfectly. It’s up to you, but I think my friend here is feeling a little twitchy. You should probably show yourselves soon if you want this to end somewhere else than a spit.”

Margaret Dawn: *nod* That's my big brother! *proud and happy smile*

​You can always count on Sarevok to do 'Intimidating' well. :) 


 

Quote: The first was something Rini had sincerely hoped never to see again, a tiny blue skinned humanoid, with sharp teeth and glittering eyes. Ew, a Xvart. Can’t say I missed those little buggers. Please don’t let it start singing. The second was another small humanoid, this one green, with large pointed ears. It was clutching a small club defiantly. And a goblin. And to complete the set, the third one. The third one was also mostly humanoid, but with a dog-like snout and a tail vaguely resembling that of a lizard. In its tiny paws it held a very feeble bow, trembling from nerves.

Oh, Gods, I remember them! I nearly fell off the chair laughing when I found out they are Bhaalspawn! Heh, good ol' Bhaal has a very dark side, it seems...*grin*

​I know! I'd nearly forgotten about them, but when I remembered I just knew I had to include them. 

 

Quote:“Of course,” The assassin readily agreed. “I shall cause no harm to your brother, unless he attempts to unleash his deadly magic upon us. Or would it be sister? Apologies, I am not an expert on chicken anatomy. Would ‘Fowl-kin’ be agreeable?”

Good one, Dekkie!

Really nice chapter, very funny, I liked it a lot! *smile*

Glad you liked!

 


Rogues do it from behind.

#6 Ophidia

Posted 02 June 2017 - 06:49 PM

When it comes to my inner circle of friends and family, I’ve pretty much banged the closet doors open and tossed all the secret skeletons out. Still, even after the nightmares, the bloodlust and the Slayer, I hadn’t counted on just to what extent my dead sire was capable of making my life miserable.  

 

 

Ooh lookit me! I have an actual weekend without any work! I've not had one of those for over a month! So, time to comment. Anyway...I would say she's more just admitted her skeletons are there, and just given them some nice clothes and asked people to come and admire them.

 

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

 

With a deafening bang, the large rock hit the canyon floor, stirring a high cloud of choking red dust. The rock was about the size of a small cottage, with jagged sharp edges, and it had fallen from enough of a height to leave a small crater in the ground. Zaerini stared at it, momentarily too stunned for words. It was right in front of her, so close her nose nearly bumped into it. It practically touched her toes. If I hadn’t paused to look at that weasel scampering across the path, I’d have been right underneath it when it fell, squished into goo. No, Bhaalspawn, so dust. Not an improvement. She hoped the weasel hadn’t had time to suffer much, and was very thankful she couldn’t see what was under the rock right now. Behind her, her companions were stood stock still as well, most likely as shocked as she felt.

 

 

Dust is an improvement. Easier to clean up. *nods*

 

-*-

 

The day had in fact started with a very pleasant brunch at the Odesseiron Mansion, complete with all the little luxuries that could be expected from a noble Thayvian household. Imoen had made a beeline for the ice-cream sculpted into the shape of a roaring dragon with frost magic, and it hadn’t taken long at all for predator to become prey. There had been many other delicacies as well, fresh fruit, cold and warm meat, fish, freshly baked bread, little cakes that literally melted in your mouth and much, much more.

 

 

Can I visit please?

 

 

“Running some errands, or so Mother told me,” Edwin said once he was able to breathe properly again. “I would assume he’ll take the time to stop by Auntie Poppy as well to let her know he’s alive and well, or she’d probably kneecap him.”

 

 

Hmm, that's a good point. How much trouble is he in at this point?

 

 

“Fair enough, as long as we won’t have to hunt him down again. Once we’re all stocked up we’d better leave for the Marching Mountains.”

 

“Ah yes, to hunt down the hearts of an immortal fire giant and his crazy adopted mother in a desolate mountain fortress. Does the fun never end?”

 

“Aw, think of it as a fun road trip! You, me, and our friends.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and felt pleasant warmth spreading through her stomach as he gave her a small but delighted smile in return. “And besides, I don’t have much choice. I can hunt Yaga-Shura down, or wait until he hunts me down. The first option seems better.” She looked around the room. “Speaking of our friends, I’m glad they all seem to be having a good time. I think we’ve all earned a little holiday, even if just a short one.”

 

To be sure, Minsc was cheerfully stuffing himself, pausing only to feed Boo selected delicacies. Rini had worried briefly that Elvira might disapprove of a hamster on the table, but if the wizardess noticed she hadn’t commented. Perhaps she was used to Edwin summoning various creatures around the house. She’d also worried that Elvira would disapprove of a Rashemani berserker at the table, but again she’d been surprised.

 

 

 

I guess nobody has told Minsc exactly where he is?

 

“Any friend of Edwin is welcome here,” Elvira had simply said. “And if anybody dares gossip, slander or nitpick, I’ll wring their souls out and use them for dust rags.”

 

 

Do souls make good dusters?

 

Sarevok was enjoying his meal as well, and was currently in a contest with Imoen about who was the best at catching candied nuts in their mouths. Imoen seemed to be winning by a narrow margin. The large warrior had mentioned something about wanting to take a walk in the garden as well before they left. It wasn’t exactly what she had expected of her brother, but then again there were many things she still didn’t know about Sarevok, weren’t there? She hoped there would be more peaceful interludes like this so she’d get the chance to learn more.

 

 

 

A man after my own heart. 'Can I go out now? How about...now? Now? Or now? Let me oouuuuut!'

 

“Is everybody about done, or do I have the time to run a few tests before we take our leave?” Dekaras said from the doorway. How he had managed to enter as quietly as normal under the circumstances Rini honestly didn’t comprehend. The assassin was carrying a large number of packages, big and small, so many that his arms weren’t quite enough and he had to keep some of them in place with his chin. He looked fairly tired, but also very pleased.

 

“Oh honestly,” Elvira said with a sigh. “Didn’t I tell you that you should bring one or two of the servants so you wouldn’t have to stagger along like a pack-mule?”

 

“Yes, I seem to recall you mentioning something along those lines.”

 

“And?”

 

“And I deemed it unwise.”

 

 

Ugh. That is so him.


 

The assassin carefully adjusted one of his packages, and Rini could just make out a faint sloshing sound. “Since I lost my best weapons and equipment in that little altercation with the Wychlaran, I thought this would be a good opportunity to fully restock and indeed expand upon my inventory. There are many new and interesting inventions currently on the market, but they need to be handled with care. Otherwise, you might find yourself short a few servants, to say nothing of yours truly.”

 

“They explode?”

 

“Only if you handle them wrongly. Or correctly, in some cases.”

 

“Oh, very well. If you bring them along, don’t let Edwin get into them. And I assume trying to get you to have a proper meal is futile, but I will see you once you’re done packing.”

 

“At your command, of course,” The assassin said with a quick smile. He departed with as much haste as was possible given his heavy load, and Rini didn’t miss the fond and slightly unfocused look Elvira gave him. I hope Eddie and me will be like that after that many years together. An unpleasant thought of murderous Bhaalspawn intruded, making her frown. I hope we’ll have that many years together, and more.

 

 

I have a feeling Dekaras loves being dominated, actually. He's got a bit of a kink there.

 

“So, now what do we do?” Viconia asked. “That route would seem to be entirely impassable unless you’re willing to risk half of us ending up as wet stains on the ground.”

 

“Which I’m not,” Zaerini said. She was hot and annoyed, the dusty air was irritating her nose and lungs, the persistent smell of sulphur from the hot springs dotting the area didn’t improve things, and now this. “This is…just a setback. That’s all. We’ll figure something out.”

 

 

Merely a setback??

 

“Can you take us closer to Yaga Shura’s big old Fortress of Doom?” Imoen said. “Just an itsy bitsy bit closer so we don’t have to run the giant gauntlet?”

 

“I’m afraid not. I’m not a full expert on how this teleportation thing works yet, but it seems it won’t let me choose completely, it’ll land me somewhere it thinks I need to be. Not that I feel an urgent need to have rocks dropped on me, but I’m afraid this is it. Think you guys could scout another way through?”

 

The two resident rogues looked at each other.

 

“Maybe,” Imoen said, sounding a little doubtful. “Eventually. It could take a long time though, these canyons are like a maze.”

 

“True,” Dekaras admitted. “And while I have a fairly good sense of direction, this is not an area I am in any way familiar with, nor could I find any reliable maps. Not surprising perhaps, given it’s a complete wilderness with deadly fire giants as the only permanent residents.”

 

 

He has a good sense of direction? I can see why you want to be like him! *ducks*

 

“Minsc, what about you?” Rini asked, feeling a little desperate now. “You’re a ranger, you’re good at tracking and stuff like that, right?”

 

“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

“Yes? Where are they?”

 

“Over that way,” Minsc proudly proclaimed, pointing back the way they had come from. “Also, all around the place, or so Boo tells me.”

 

 

Helpful.

 

“Well,” Edwin said with a snort. “That was about as helpful as a paper bathtub, initially promising in appearance and yet ultimately disappointing.”

 

“I notice you make no suggestions about how your marvelous magic will help resolve the situation,” Sarevok said in a deceptively mild voice.

 

“That is because I’ve focused on far, far more interesting and indeed useful spells than Divination, I’ll have you know! Furthermore…”

 

 

It'd be interesting to try counting how many times a divination spell would have saved the group a lot of trouble. It has to be quite high by now.

 

But whatever Edwin had been about to say was abrubtly cut off by a soft thump, and a panicked ‘SQUAWK!’ Six heads suddenly turned to see Dekaras holding a plump white chicken by its neck, one of his daggers gently ruffling the feathers. The chicken was clucking desperately, its beady little black eyes rolling this way and that.

 

 

Nali!

 

“Vadrak?” Zaerini asked, feeling a little worried about what answer she might get. She’d thought her friend had seemed perfectly normal after his recent ordeal, but after all who knew how it could have affected him? “Why…what are you doing with that chicken?”

 

“This chicken,” the assassin said, not taking his eyes off the animal, “Is no ordinary chicken. I wouldn’t underestimate it if I were you. It was lurking behind a rock, listening to our conversation. Furthermore, just as I grabbed it, it was starting to cast a spell.”

 

“What…but…it’s a chicken. Chickens don’t…” The half-elf felt silent, suddenly remembering something. “Then again, we did meet that mage apprentice who got himself accidentally turned into a chicken. Melicamp, wasn’t it? Maybe it’s a more common accident than we thought. Think this is a human under a spell?”

 

 

For a moment there, my brain said ' I wish I could turn myself into a chicken. It'd be cool!'. I have no idea how, or why, being a chicken would be cool. However, my subconscious seems to like the idea.

 

“I wouldn’t know. But I do know that it’s not alone. I heard other creatures close by, two or maybe three more, all of them sounding small.” Dekaras raised his voice. “You may as well come out. If you mean no harm, we will cause you none.”

 

“On the other hand,” Sarevok filled in, “If you do, it’s about suppertime, and a roast chicken would suit me perfectly. It’s up to you, but I think my friend here is feeling a little twitchy. You should probably show yourselves soon if you want this to end somewhere else than a spit.”

 

 

Diplomacy the Trump way, right there.
 

 

There was a faint murmur behind a cluster of large red rocks, as of shrill voices trying to whisper but not being entirely quiet about it. Then there was the sound of shuffling little feet, and three peculiar beings emerged. The first was something Rini had sincerely hoped never to see again, a tiny blue skinned humanoid, with sharp teeth and glittering eyes. Ew, a Xvart. Can’t say I missed those little buggers. Please don’t let it start singing. The second was another small humanoid, this one green, with large pointed ears. It was clutching a small club defiantly. And a goblin. And to complete the set, the third one. The third one was also mostly humanoid, but with a dog-like snout and a tail vaguely resembling that of a lizard. In its tiny paws it held a very feeble bow, trembling from nerves. Of course, it had to be a kobold. If it shoots fire arrows at me I’ll probably be happy to have it for dessert after the chicken.

 

 

Awww!

 

“Please, no harm!” The goblin squeaked. “Mighty Bhaalspawn, do no harm to tiny helpless Bhaalspawn! Us just be small adventure group, called ‘Small Wonder’.”

 

“Oh, well, that’s all right then…come again? Did you say...you’re Bhaalspawn?”

 

“That be right! I be Tibbit, I take point and hit things! This be Toop, he our healer!” The Xvart bowed. “And this be Merlinious, him like stabby shooty things!” The kobold yipped in approval.

 

“And…the chicken?” Imoen asked, staring with wide eyes at the struggling bird.

 

“Him be Chinchilla, him lots clever mage. Can let him go now, yes? No eat? If no eat, us can help, maybe show way to giant place, yes?”

 

 

The bhaalspawn chinchillas leave one with so many questions.

 

“Can we just go back to that part about you all being Bhaalspawn again?” Sarevok said, looking as if he was choking on a lemon.

 

“Oh, what is so complicated,” Viconia said, her red eyes sparkling with amusement. “This would seem to have turned into a veritable family reunion. Tell me, what other estranged siblings do you think we might run across? Perhaps an earwig Bhaalspawn? A jellyfish Bhaalspawn? Your late sire seems to have been delightfully deviant, if barking mad.” All the other non-Bhaalspawn present seemed to be having a hard time trying not to laugh, even Edwin, which was extremely unfair in Zaerini’s book. Meanwhile, her two siblings – her two human siblings – were looking grumpier by the moment.

 

 

Why no plant bhaalspawns? Say, a venus flytrap bhaalspawn?

 

Imagining Bhaal and a fire giant was bad enough. Now I’ll have mental images of Bhaal and a kobold. Or Bhaal and a chicken. My sire won’t even have to make any effort to give me nightmares anymore. Still, diplomacy, diplomacy.

 

“Fine,” She sighed. “I guess we have a deal. We won’t hurt you, and if you can get us to the giant’s fortress we’d be very grateful. Vadrak, would you let go of the chicken please?”

 

“Of course,” The assassin readily agreed. “I shall cause no harm to your brother, unless he attempts to unleash his deadly magic upon us. Or would it be sister? Apologies, I am not an expert on chicken anatomy. Would ‘Fowl-kin’ be agreeable?”

 

 

Oh come on, Dekkie,you noob! Chicken sexes are easy to tell apart!

 

This is going to be a really, really long day.

 

 

This is what you get for travelling with people who know nothing about birds.



#7 Laufey

Posted 02 June 2017 - 09:01 PM

 

When it comes to my inner circle of friends and family, I’ve pretty much banged the closet doors open and tossed all the secret skeletons out. Still, even after the nightmares, the bloodlust and the Slayer, I hadn’t counted on just to what extent my dead sire was capable of making my life miserable.  

 

 

Ooh lookit me! I have an actual weekend without any work! I've not had one of those for over a month! So, time to comment. Anyway...I would say she's more just admitted her skeletons are there, and just given them some nice clothes and asked people to come and admire them.

​Maybe so! And weekend off work is great. :)

 

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

 

With a deafening bang, the large rock hit the canyon floor, stirring a high cloud of choking red dust. The rock was about the size of a small cottage, with jagged sharp edges, and it had fallen from enough of a height to leave a small crater in the ground. Zaerini stared at it, momentarily too stunned for words. It was right in front of her, so close her nose nearly bumped into it. It practically touched her toes. If I hadn’t paused to look at that weasel scampering across the path, I’d have been right underneath it when it fell, squished into goo. No, Bhaalspawn, so dust. Not an improvement. She hoped the weasel hadn’t had time to suffer much, and was very thankful she couldn’t see what was under the rock right now. Behind her, her companions were stood stock still as well, most likely as shocked as she felt.

 

 

Dust is an improvement. Easier to clean up. *nods*

​True, but I don't think she'd approve all the same. 

 

-*-

 

The day had in fact started with a very pleasant brunch at the Odesseiron Mansion, complete with all the little luxuries that could be expected from a noble Thayvian household. Imoen had made a beeline for the ice-cream sculpted into the shape of a roaring dragon with frost magic, and it hadn’t taken long at all for predator to become prey. There had been many other delicacies as well, fresh fruit, cold and warm meat, fish, freshly baked bread, little cakes that literally melted in your mouth and much, much more.

 

 

Can I visit please?

​I'll ask them, shall I?

 

 

“Running some errands, or so Mother told me,” Edwin said once he was able to breathe properly again. “I would assume he’ll take the time to stop by Auntie Poppy as well to let her know he’s alive and well, or she’d probably kneecap him.”

 

 

Hmm, that's a good point. How much trouble is he in at this point?

​Some, but he's her Best Friend and she'll soon forgive him as long as she gets to scold him a little. 

 

 

“Fair enough, as long as we won’t have to hunt him down again. Once we’re all stocked up we’d better leave for the Marching Mountains.”

 

“Ah yes, to hunt down the hearts of an immortal fire giant and his crazy adopted mother in a desolate mountain fortress. Does the fun never end?”

 

“Aw, think of it as a fun road trip! You, me, and our friends.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and felt pleasant warmth spreading through her stomach as he gave her a small but delighted smile in return. “And besides, I don’t have much choice. I can hunt Yaga-Shura down, or wait until he hunts me down. The first option seems better.” She looked around the room. “Speaking of our friends, I’m glad they all seem to be having a good time. I think we’ve all earned a little holiday, even if just a short one.”

 

To be sure, Minsc was cheerfully stuffing himself, pausing only to feed Boo selected delicacies. Rini had worried briefly that Elvira might disapprove of a hamster on the table, but if the wizardess noticed she hadn’t commented. Perhaps she was used to Edwin summoning various creatures around the house. She’d also worried that Elvira would disapprove of a Rashemani berserker at the table, but again she’d been surprised.

 

 

 

I guess nobody has told Minsc exactly where he is?

​Either that or Rini made him make promises. Elvira would be amused about his 'Evil Wizards' thing anyway. 

 

“Any friend of Edwin is welcome here,” Elvira had simply said. “And if anybody dares gossip, slander or nitpick, I’ll wring their souls out and use them for dust rags.”

 

 

Do souls make good dusters?

​Time for more experiments!

 

Sarevok was enjoying his meal as well, and was currently in a contest with Imoen about who was the best at catching candied nuts in their mouths. Imoen seemed to be winning by a narrow margin. The large warrior had mentioned something about wanting to take a walk in the garden as well before they left. It wasn’t exactly what she had expected of her brother, but then again there were many things she still didn’t know about Sarevok, weren’t there? She hoped there would be more peaceful interludes like this so she’d get the chance to learn more.

 

 

 

A man after my own heart. 'Can I go out now? How about...now? Now? Or now? Let me oouuuuut!

​*sigh* Yes, dear. 

'

 

“Is everybody about done, or do I have the time to run a few tests before we take our leave?” Dekaras said from the doorway. How he had managed to enter as quietly as normal under the circumstances Rini honestly didn’t comprehend. The assassin was carrying a large number of packages, big and small, so many that his arms weren’t quite enough and he had to keep some of them in place with his chin. He looked fairly tired, but also very pleased.

 

“Oh honestly,” Elvira said with a sigh. “Didn’t I tell you that you should bring one or two of the servants so you wouldn’t have to stagger along like a pack-mule?”

 

“Yes, I seem to recall you mentioning something along those lines.”

 

“And?”

 

“And I deemed it unwise.”

 

 

Ugh. That is so him.

​He pretty much does what he wants. :)


 

The assassin carefully adjusted one of his packages, and Rini could just make out a faint sloshing sound. “Since I lost my best weapons and equipment in that little altercation with the Wychlaran, I thought this would be a good opportunity to fully restock and indeed expand upon my inventory. There are many new and interesting inventions currently on the market, but they need to be handled with care. Otherwise, you might find yourself short a few servants, to say nothing of yours truly.”

 

“They explode?”

 

“Only if you handle them wrongly. Or correctly, in some cases.”

 

“Oh, very well. If you bring them along, don’t let Edwin get into them. And I assume trying to get you to have a proper meal is futile, but I will see you once you’re done packing.”

 

“At your command, of course,” The assassin said with a quick smile. He departed with as much haste as was possible given his heavy load, and Rini didn’t miss the fond and slightly unfocused look Elvira gave him. I hope Eddie and me will be like that after that many years together. An unpleasant thought of murderous Bhaalspawn intruded, making her frown. I hope we’ll have that many years together, and more.

 

 

I have a feeling Dekaras loves being dominated, actually. He's got a bit of a kink there.

​*cough* I think I'd better not reply to that in public, discretion is the better part of staying alive. 

 

“So, now what do we do?” Viconia asked. “That route would seem to be entirely impassable unless you’re willing to risk half of us ending up as wet stains on the ground.”

 

“Which I’m not,” Zaerini said. She was hot and annoyed, the dusty air was irritating her nose and lungs, the persistent smell of sulphur from the hot springs dotting the area didn’t improve things, and now this. “This is…just a setback. That’s all. We’ll figure something out.”

 

 

Merely a setback??

​They were not prepared. 

 

“Can you take us closer to Yaga Shura’s big old Fortress of Doom?” Imoen said. “Just an itsy bitsy bit closer so we don’t have to run the giant gauntlet?”

 

“I’m afraid not. I’m not a full expert on how this teleportation thing works yet, but it seems it won’t let me choose completely, it’ll land me somewhere it thinks I need to be. Not that I feel an urgent need to have rocks dropped on me, but I’m afraid this is it. Think you guys could scout another way through?”

 

The two resident rogues looked at each other.

 

“Maybe,” Imoen said, sounding a little doubtful. “Eventually. It could take a long time though, these canyons are like a maze.”

 

“True,” Dekaras admitted. “And while I have a fairly good sense of direction, this is not an area I am in any way familiar with, nor could I find any reliable maps. Not surprising perhaps, given it’s a complete wilderness with deadly fire giants as the only permanent residents.”

 

 

He has a good sense of direction? I can see why you want to be like him! *ducks*

​PPppfffft! Well, there are other traits of his I do *not* want to emulate. 

“Minsc, what about you?” Rini asked, feeling a little desperate now. “You’re a ranger, you’re good at tracking and stuff like that, right?”

 

“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

“Yes? Where are they?”

 

“Over that way,” Minsc proudly proclaimed, pointing back the way they had come from. “Also, all around the place, or so Boo tells me.”

 

 

Helpful.

​Hunter Tracking!

 

“Well,” Edwin said with a snort. “That was about as helpful as a paper bathtub, initially promising in appearance and yet ultimately disappointing.”

 

“I notice you make no suggestions about how your marvelous magic will help resolve the situation,” Sarevok said in a deceptively mild voice.

 

“That is because I’ve focused on far, far more interesting and indeed useful spells than Divination, I’ll have you know! Furthermore…”

 

 

It'd be interesting to try counting how many times a divination spell would have saved the group a lot of trouble. It has to be quite high by now.

​Oh yes, it's an ongoing gag of mine, both because other than True Sight and Identify they're pretty useless in game, and also because Edwin looks down on them. 

 

But whatever Edwin had been about to say was abrubtly cut off by a soft thump, and a panicked ‘SQUAWK!’ Six heads suddenly turned to see Dekaras holding a plump white chicken by its neck, one of his daggers gently ruffling the feathers. The chicken was clucking desperately, its beady little black eyes rolling this way and that.

 

 

Nali!

​Yes!

 

“Vadrak?” Zaerini asked, feeling a little worried about what answer she might get. She’d thought her friend had seemed perfectly normal after his recent ordeal, but after all who knew how it could have affected him? “Why…what are you doing with that chicken?”

 

“This chicken,” the assassin said, not taking his eyes off the animal, “Is no ordinary chicken. I wouldn’t underestimate it if I were you. It was lurking behind a rock, listening to our conversation. Furthermore, just as I grabbed it, it was starting to cast a spell.”

 

“What…but…it’s a chicken. Chickens don’t…” The half-elf felt silent, suddenly remembering something. “Then again, we did meet that mage apprentice who got himself accidentally turned into a chicken. Melicamp, wasn’t it? Maybe it’s a more common accident than we thought. Think this is a human under a spell?”

 

 

For a moment there, my brain said ' I wish I could turn myself into a chicken. It'd be cool!'. I have no idea how, or why, being a chicken would be cool. However, my subconscious seems to like the idea.

​You can be a chicken, I'll be something cool like a falcon. 

“I wouldn’t know. But I do know that it’s not alone. I heard other creatures close by, two or maybe three more, all of them sounding small.” Dekaras raised his voice. “You may as well come out. If you mean no harm, we will cause you none.”

 

“On the other hand,” Sarevok filled in, “If you do, it’s about suppertime, and a roast chicken would suit me perfectly. It’s up to you, but I think my friend here is feeling a little twitchy. You should probably show yourselves soon if you want this to end somewhere else than a spit.”

 

 

Diplomacy the Trump way, right there.

​Sometimes, it's the best way!

 

 

There was a faint murmur behind a cluster of large red rocks, as of shrill voices trying to whisper but not being entirely quiet about it. Then there was the sound of shuffling little feet, and three peculiar beings emerged. The first was something Rini had sincerely hoped never to see again, a tiny blue skinned humanoid, with sharp teeth and glittering eyes. Ew, a Xvart. Can’t say I missed those little buggers. Please don’t let it start singing. The second was another small humanoid, this one green, with large pointed ears. It was clutching a small club defiantly. And a goblin. And to complete the set, the third one. The third one was also mostly humanoid, but with a dog-like snout and a tail vaguely resembling that of a lizard. In its tiny paws it held a very feeble bow, trembling from nerves. Of course, it had to be a kobold. If it shoots fire arrows at me I’ll probably be happy to have it for dessert after the chicken.

 

 

Awww!

​*pets kobold* 

 

“Please, no harm!” The goblin squeaked. “Mighty Bhaalspawn, do no harm to tiny helpless Bhaalspawn! Us just be small adventure group, called ‘Small Wonder’.”

 

“Oh, well, that’s all right then…come again? Did you say...you’re Bhaalspawn?”

 

“That be right! I be Tibbit, I take point and hit things! This be Toop, he our healer!” The Xvart bowed. “And this be Merlinious, him like stabby shooty things!” The kobold yipped in approval.

 

“And…the chicken?” Imoen asked, staring with wide eyes at the struggling bird.

 

“Him be Chinchilla, him lots clever mage. Can let him go now, yes? No eat? If no eat, us can help, maybe show way to giant place, yes?”

 

 

The bhaalspawn chinchillas leave one with so many questions.

 

“Can we just go back to that part about you all being Bhaalspawn again?” Sarevok said, looking as if he was choking on a lemon.

 

“Oh, what is so complicated,” Viconia said, her red eyes sparkling with amusement. “This would seem to have turned into a veritable family reunion. Tell me, what other estranged siblings do you think we might run across? Perhaps an earwig Bhaalspawn? A jellyfish Bhaalspawn? Your late sire seems to have been delightfully deviant, if barking mad.” All the other non-Bhaalspawn present seemed to be having a hard time trying not to laugh, even Edwin, which was extremely unfair in Zaerini’s book. Meanwhile, her two siblings – her two human siblings – were looking grumpier by the moment.

 

 

Why no plant bhaalspawns? Say, a venus flytrap bhaalspawn?

 

Imagining Bhaal and a fire giant was bad enough. Now I’ll have mental images of Bhaal and a kobold. Or Bhaal and a chicken. My sire won’t even have to make any effort to give me nightmares anymore. Still, diplomacy, diplomacy.

 

“Fine,” She sighed. “I guess we have a deal. We won’t hurt you, and if you can get us to the giant’s fortress we’d be very grateful. Vadrak, would you let go of the chicken please?”

 

“Of course,” The assassin readily agreed. “I shall cause no harm to your brother, unless he attempts to unleash his deadly magic upon us. Or would it be sister? Apologies, I am not an expert on chicken anatomy. Would ‘Fowl-kin’ be agreeable?”

 

 

Oh come on, Dekkie,you noob! Chicken sexes are easy to tell apart!

​Vadrak Dekaras: Well, excuse me for not having devoted myself to the study of poultry, but there are only so many hours in the day. 

 

This is going to be a really, really long day.

 

 

This is what you get for travelling with people who know nothing about birds.

 


Edited by Laufey, 02 June 2017 - 09:05 PM.

Rogues do it from behind.

#8 Borodin

Posted 05 June 2017 - 04:54 AM

Bhaal and a chicken...? This reminds me of that chapter of yours about Jaheira and Edwin molesting those chickens for a gem. Damn funny. Especially after youy foreshadowed the whole thing with that deliberately ominous quote which led everything off. Give a whole new meaning to the word alektorophile.



#9 Laufey

Posted 07 June 2017 - 03:51 PM

Bhaal and a chicken...? This reminds me of that chapter of yours about Jaheira and Edwin molesting those chickens for a gem. Damn funny. Especially after youy foreshadowed the whole thing with that deliberately ominous quote which led everything off. Give a whole new meaning to the word alektorophile.

Glad you enjoyed it! :) Ah yes, that other chicken chapter was quite some time ago now, I'm amazed you remember! Hope it doesn't say something shady about me that I keep doing weird things with chickens. ;) 


Rogues do it from behind.

#10 username

Posted 22 June 2017 - 09:24 PM

 

 

With a deafening bang, the large rock hit the canyon floor, stirring a high cloud of choking red dust. The rock was about the size of a small cottage, with jagged sharp edges, and it had fallen from enough of a height to leave a small crater in the ground. Zaerini stared at it, momentarily too stunned for words. It was right in front of her, so close her nose nearly bumped into it. It practically touched her toes. If I hadn’t paused to look at that weasel scampering across the path, I’d have been right underneath it when it fell, squished into goo. No, Bhaalspawn, so dust. Not an improvement. She hoped the weasel hadn’t had time to suffer much, and was very thankful she couldn’t see what was under the rock right now. Behind her, her companions were stood stock still as well, most likely as shocked as she felt.

 

“Look!” Imoen shouted, her voice shrill. “Up there!”

 

 

Yeah, fighting giants isn't easy. I must say I kinda like how much trouble they're giving Rini and friends here - it aways felt unrealistic to me how easy it was in game sometimes, just providing you'd levelled up enough. 
 

Rini craned her neck back, trying to see what was up at the top of the canyon. Humanoid shapes, sharply outlined against the blue sky, just silhouettes. The shimmering hot air blurred their edges, making it even harder to see details, but she still thought there was something odd about their proportions. They seemed large. Too large.

 

“Giants,” Edwin said. He sounded rather disgusted. “Such an exceedingly…”

 

Whatever the wizard had been about to say was rudely interrupted as Dekaras grabbed him by the back of his robe, hurriedly shoving him aside before a second rock had time to land on him and turn him into an even redder wizard than before.

 

Aww, poor Edwin, always having his style ruined by some pesty foe or other. 

 

The day had in fact started with a very pleasant brunch at the Odesseiron Mansion, complete with all the little luxuries that could be expected from a noble Thayvian household. Imoen had made a beeline for the ice-cream sculpted into the shape of a roaring dragon with frost magic, and it hadn’t taken long at all for predator to become prey. There had been many other delicacies as well, fresh fruit, cold and warm meat, fish, freshly baked bread, little cakes that literally melted in your mouth and much, much more.

 

Oh wow, that sounds incredible! Why did you EVER leave to go on a mission, Eddie?! I might have just spent the rest of my life working in a lab or something... :D
 

 

“Do you always eat like this?” She asked her lover. “If so, how come none of you are too fat to walk?”

 

“Oh, not always,” Edwin said with a quick wave of his hand. “Obviously everything is always of the highest quality (As it should be) but this is a bit out of the ordinary. Mother is in a good mood, and also she wanted to meet all my ‘little friends’ so she’s laying on the hospitality.”

 

 

I love how Rini's content enough to not even protest the 'little friends'
 

Rini looked over towards the end of the table. Elvira was deep in conversation with Viconia. Both women seemed both amused and highly focused on whatever they were talking about. Now and then one of them would make a little stabbing gesture or draw a diagram in breadcrumbs on the pristine white tablecloth. “I wonder what they’re talking about?” She whispered.

 

Edwin sighed briefly. “Anything from how to complete world domination to the local variations in the arts of erotic onslaught,” He said. “Quite possibly both. (I’m not entirely sure if I should be pleased or worried.)”

 

Probably best not to know, to be honest... 

 

 

Sarevok was enjoying his meal as well, and was currently in a contest with Imoen about who was the best at catching candied nuts in their mouths. Imoen seemed to be winning by a narrow margin. The large warrior had mentioned something about wanting to take a walk in the garden as well before they left. It wasn’t exactly what she had expected of her brother, but then again there were many things she still didn’t know about Sarevok, weren’t there? She hoped there would be more peaceful interludes like this so she’d get the chance to learn more.

 

 

I must say, I really love the way you write Sarevok - I never found him that interesting a character before but you really made me like him a lot! :) 

 

“They explode?”

 

“Only if you handle them wrongly. Or correctly, in some cases.”

 

“Oh, very well. If you bring them along, don’t let Edwin get into them.

 

Oh, they're such a sweet 'nuclear' family ;) 
 

“At your command, of course,” The assassin said with a quick smile. He departed with as much haste as was possible given his heavy load, and Rini didn’t miss the fond and slightly unfocused look Elvira gave him. I hope Eddie and me will be like that after that many years together. An unpleasant thought of murderous Bhaalspawn intruded, making her frown. I hope we’ll have that many years together, and more.

 

This BETTER not be foreshadowing... 

 

“Minsc, what about you?” Rini asked, feeling a little desperate now. “You’re a ranger, you’re good at tracking and stuff like that, right?”

 

“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

“Yes? Where are they?”

 

“Over that way,” Minsc proudly proclaimed, pointing back the way they had come from. “Also, all around the place, or so Boo tells me.”

 

Yeah, somehow I had my doubts about his tracking skills coming in this useful with finding something literally in front of them! :P 
 

 

“Well,” Edwin said with a snort. “That was about as helpful as a paper bathtub, initially promising in appearance and yet ultimately disappointing.”

 

I feel like there's a story here... 

 

 

“Can we just go back to that part about you all being Bhaalspawn again?” Sarevok said, looking as if he was choking on a lemon.

 

“Oh, what is so complicated,” Viconia said, her red eyes sparkling with amusement. “This would seem to have turned into a veritable family reunion. Tell me, what other estranged siblings do you think we might run across? Perhaps an earwig Bhaalspawn? A jellyfish Bhaalspawn? Your late sire seems to have been delightfully deviant, if barking mad.” All the other non-Bhaalspawn present seemed to be having a hard time trying not to laugh, even Edwin, which was extremely unfair in Zaerini’s book. Meanwhile, her two siblings – her two human siblings – were looking grumpier by the moment.

 

Hahaha, Viconia is being very cruel indeed. But nothing is funnier than the truth... 
 



#11 Laufey

Posted 30 July 2017 - 07:02 PM

 

 

 

With a deafening bang, the large rock hit the canyon floor, stirring a high cloud of choking red dust. The rock was about the size of a small cottage, with jagged sharp edges, and it had fallen from enough of a height to leave a small crater in the ground. Zaerini stared at it, momentarily too stunned for words. It was right in front of her, so close her nose nearly bumped into it. It practically touched her toes. If I hadn’t paused to look at that weasel scampering across the path, I’d have been right underneath it when it fell, squished into goo. No, Bhaalspawn, so dust. Not an improvement. She hoped the weasel hadn’t had time to suffer much, and was very thankful she couldn’t see what was under the rock right now. Behind her, her companions were stood stock still as well, most likely as shocked as she felt.

 

“Look!” Imoen shouted, her voice shrill. “Up there!”

 

 

Yeah, fighting giants isn't easy. I must say I kinda like how much trouble they're giving Rini and friends here - it aways felt unrealistic to me how easy it was in game sometimes, just providing you'd levelled up enough. 

​Just so, I have to up the difficulty a bit or I think it would make for a very boring read of them just smashing through things. 

Rini craned her neck back, trying to see what was up at the top of the canyon. Humanoid shapes, sharply outlined against the blue sky, just silhouettes. The shimmering hot air blurred their edges, making it even harder to see details, but she still thought there was something odd about their proportions. They seemed large. Too large.

 

“Giants,” Edwin said. He sounded rather disgusted. “Such an exceedingly…”

 

Whatever the wizard had been about to say was rudely interrupted as Dekaras grabbed him by the back of his robe, hurriedly shoving him aside before a second rock had time to land on him and turn him into an even redder wizard than before.

 

Aww, poor Edwin, always having his style ruined by some pesty foe or other. 

​And frequently by yours truly. :)

 

The day had in fact started with a very pleasant brunch at the Odesseiron Mansion, complete with all the little luxuries that could be expected from a noble Thayvian household. Imoen had made a beeline for the ice-cream sculpted into the shape of a roaring dragon with frost magic, and it hadn’t taken long at all for predator to become prey. There had been many other delicacies as well, fresh fruit, cold and warm meat, fish, freshly baked bread, little cakes that literally melted in your mouth and much, much more.

 

Oh wow, that sounds incredible! Why did you EVER leave to go on a mission, Eddie?! I might have just spent the rest of my life working in a lab or something... :D

​I kind of agree, Edwin has that ambitious streak though and he wanted to prove he could do fieldwork. 

 

“Do you always eat like this?” She asked her lover. “If so, how come none of you are too fat to walk?”

 

“Oh, not always,” Edwin said with a quick wave of his hand. “Obviously everything is always of the highest quality (As it should be) but this is a bit out of the ordinary. Mother is in a good mood, and also she wanted to meet all my ‘little friends’ so she’s laying on the hospitality.”

 

 

I love how Rini's content enough to not even protest the 'little friends'

​I wouldn't either, in her place. :)

Rini looked over towards the end of the table. Elvira was deep in conversation with Viconia. Both women seemed both amused and highly focused on whatever they were talking about. Now and then one of them would make a little stabbing gesture or draw a diagram in breadcrumbs on the pristine white tablecloth. “I wonder what they’re talking about?” She whispered.

 

Edwin sighed briefly. “Anything from how to complete world domination to the local variations in the arts of erotic onslaught,” He said. “Quite possibly both. (I’m not entirely sure if I should be pleased or worried.)”

 

Probably best not to know, to be honest... 

​I quite agree!

 

 

Sarevok was enjoying his meal as well, and was currently in a contest with Imoen about who was the best at catching candied nuts in their mouths. Imoen seemed to be winning by a narrow margin. The large warrior had mentioned something about wanting to take a walk in the garden as well before they left. It wasn’t exactly what she had expected of her brother, but then again there were many things she still didn’t know about Sarevok, weren’t there? She hoped there would be more peaceful interludes like this so she’d get the chance to learn more.

 

 

I must say, I really love the way you write Sarevok - I never found him that interesting a character before but you really made me like him a lot! :) 

​Thanks, I'm very happy to hear it! I do mean to try to fit in a bit more Sarevok details soon. 

 

“They explode?”

 

“Only if you handle them wrongly. Or correctly, in some cases.”

 

“Oh, very well. If you bring them along, don’t let Edwin get into them.

 

Oh, they're such a sweet 'nuclear' family ;) 

​Frequently literally. :)

“At your command, of course,” The assassin said with a quick smile. He departed with as much haste as was possible given his heavy load, and Rini didn’t miss the fond and slightly unfocused look Elvira gave him. I hope Eddie and me will be like that after that many years together. An unpleasant thought of murderous Bhaalspawn intruded, making her frown. I hope we’ll have that many years together, and more.

 

This BETTER not be foreshadowing... 

​Let's hope not!

 

“Minsc, what about you?” Rini asked, feeling a little desperate now. “You’re a ranger, you’re good at tracking and stuff like that, right?”

 

“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

“Yes? Where are they?”

 

“Over that way,” Minsc proudly proclaimed, pointing back the way they had come from. “Also, all around the place, or so Boo tells me.”

 

Yeah, somehow I had my doubts about his tracking skills coming in this useful with finding something literally in front of them! :P

​About as useful as I find most of the ranger skills apart from the archer ones in BG2, I'm afraid. ;)

 

“Well,” Edwin said with a snort. “That was about as helpful as a paper bathtub, initially promising in appearance and yet ultimately disappointing.”

 

I feel like there's a story here... 

​Wouldn't surprise me!

 

“Can we just go back to that part about you all being Bhaalspawn again?” Sarevok said, looking as if he was choking on a lemon.

 

“Oh, what is so complicated,” Viconia said, her red eyes sparkling with amusement. “This would seem to have turned into a veritable family reunion. Tell me, what other estranged siblings do you think we might run across? Perhaps an earwig Bhaalspawn? A jellyfish Bhaalspawn? Your late sire seems to have been delightfully deviant, if barking mad.” All the other non-Bhaalspawn present seemed to be having a hard time trying not to laugh, even Edwin, which was extremely unfair in Zaerini’s book. Meanwhile, her two siblings – her two human siblings – were looking grumpier by the moment.

 

Hahaha, Viconia is being very cruel indeed. But nothing is funnier than the truth... 

​Impossible to resist after all!

 

 


Rogues do it from behind.

#12 Weyoun

Posted 11 November 2018 - 07:50 PM

“Fall back!” Rini called out. “There are more of them up there!” And yes, there were more large shapes moving about up there, and plenty of rocks. The bard and her friends made a hurried, and somewhat undignified retreat, running as fast as they dared back the same way they’d come until they reached a shallow valley with a small lake and a few rather pitiful twisted trees. At least the giants didn’t seem inclined to chase after them, which was one small relief. What a day. And to think it all started so well.

 

Giants, eh? Well, that's still better than dragons. Right?

 

 

Sarevok was enjoying his meal as well, and was currently in a contest with Imoen about who was the best at catching candied nuts in their mouths. Imoen seemed to be winning by a narrow margin. The large warrior had mentioned something about wanting to take a walk in the garden as well before they left. It wasn’t exactly what she had expected of her brother, but then again there were many things she still didn’t know about Sarevok, weren’t there? She hoped there would be more peaceful interludes like this so she’d get the chance to learn more.

 

Time for a bit of a rest. Be glad Korgan isn't there, or he'd be sure to criticise the state of the silverware. Shoddy human construction, that.

 


“I’m afraid not. I’m not a full expert on how this teleportation thing works yet, but it seems it won’t let me choose completely, it’ll land me somewhere it thinks I need to be. Not that I feel an urgent need to have rocks dropped on me, but I’m afraid this is it. Think you guys could scout another way through?”

 

Laska: never trusted teleportation. You might end up inside a rock or something. Or you might up somewhere and your clothes and armor somewhere else. And then there was this one incident with the teleporting wizard and a housefly... nasty.

 


“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

… that doesn't seem very hard, to be honest.

 


“This chicken,” the assassin said, not taking his eyes off the animal, “Is no ordinary chicken. I wouldn’t underestimate it if I were you. It was lurking behind a rock, listening to our conversation. Furthermore, just as I grabbed it, it was starting to cast a spell.”

 

… how would it get the words out. Clucking it?

 


“On the other hand,” Sarevok filled in, “If you do, it’s about suppertime, and a roast chicken would suit me perfectly. It’s up to you, but I think my friend here is feeling a little twitchy. You should probably show yourselves soon if you want this to end somewhere else than a spit.”

 

Laska: Hm, you know, I could do wonderful things with that chicken. Let me put some butter in the pan first.

 


“Oh, well, that’s all right then…come again? Did you say...you’re Bhaalspawn?”

 

Oh, god, please not the chinchilla Bhaalspawn. That was the cringiest bit in the entire series.

 


Imagining Bhaal and a fire giant was bad enough. Now I’ll have mental images of Bhaal and a kobold. Or Bhaal and a chicken. My sire won’t even have to make any effort to give me nightmares anymore. Still, diplomacy, diplomacy.

 

I suppose it's not so bad if Bhaal actually takes on the form of a kobold to do the deed.


TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#13 Laufey

Posted 11 November 2018 - 09:08 PM

 

“Fall back!” Rini called out. “There are more of them up there!” And yes, there were more large shapes moving about up there, and plenty of rocks. The bard and her friends made a hurried, and somewhat undignified retreat, running as fast as they dared back the same way they’d come until they reached a shallow valley with a small lake and a few rather pitiful twisted trees. At least the giants didn’t seem inclined to chase after them, which was one small relief. What a day. And to think it all started so well.

 

Giants, eh? Well, that's still better than dragons. Right?

Maybe...slightly...

 

 

 

 

Sarevok was enjoying his meal as well, and was currently in a contest with Imoen about who was the best at catching candied nuts in their mouths. Imoen seemed to be winning by a narrow margin. The large warrior had mentioned something about wanting to take a walk in the garden as well before they left. It wasn’t exactly what she had expected of her brother, but then again there were many things she still didn’t know about Sarevok, weren’t there? She hoped there would be more peaceful interludes like this so she’d get the chance to learn more.

 

Time for a bit of a rest. Be glad Korgan isn't there, or he'd be sure to criticise the state of the silverware. Shoddy human construction, that.

He'd better not try to shock Elvira by swearing though, she can curse with the best of them

 

 


“I’m afraid not. I’m not a full expert on how this teleportation thing works yet, but it seems it won’t let me choose completely, it’ll land me somewhere it thinks I need to be. Not that I feel an urgent need to have rocks dropped on me, but I’m afraid this is it. Think you guys could scout another way through?”

 

Laska: never trusted teleportation. You might end up inside a rock or something. Or you might up somewhere and your clothes and armor somewhere else. And then there was this one incident with the teleporting wizard and a housefly... nasty.

 

Eeewww!

 


“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”

 

… that doesn't seem very hard, to be honest.

 

Exactly! :D

 


“This chicken,” the assassin said, not taking his eyes off the animal, “Is no ordinary chicken. I wouldn’t underestimate it if I were you. It was lurking behind a rock, listening to our conversation. Furthermore, just as I grabbed it, it was starting to cast a spell.”

 

… how would it get the words out. Clucking it?

It's...a magic Bhaalspawn chicken?

 

 


“On the other hand,” Sarevok filled in, “If you do, it’s about suppertime, and a roast chicken would suit me perfectly. It’s up to you, but I think my friend here is feeling a little twitchy. You should probably show yourselves soon if you want this to end somewhere else than a spit.”

 

Laska: Hm, you know, I could do wonderful things with that chicken. Let me put some butter in the pan first.

 

 

Nom. Now you mention it, I think I'll have chicken for dinner tomorrow. 

 


“Oh, well, that’s all right then…come again? Did you say...you’re Bhaalspawn?”

 

Oh, god, please not the chinchilla Bhaalspawn. That was the cringiest bit in the entire series.

Well I just had to use it, it's so silly!

 

 


Imagining Bhaal and a fire giant was bad enough. Now I’ll have mental images of Bhaal and a kobold. Or Bhaal and a chicken. My sire won’t even have to make any effort to give me nightmares anymore. Still, diplomacy, diplomacy.

 

I suppose it's not so bad if Bhaal actually takes on the form of a kobold to do the deed.

 

But still....

 


Rogues do it from behind.




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