Throne Of Cards 64 – Murder Most Fowl
When it comes to my inner circle of friends and family, I’ve pretty much banged the closet doors open and tossed all the secret skeletons out. Still, even after the nightmares, the bloodlust and the Slayer, I hadn’t counted on just to what extent my dead sire was capable of making my life miserable.
Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’
With a deafening bang, the large rock hit the canyon floor, stirring a high cloud of choking red dust. The rock was about the size of a small cottage, with jagged sharp edges, and it had fallen from enough of a height to leave a small crater in the ground. Zaerini stared at it, momentarily too stunned for words. It was right in front of her, so close her nose nearly bumped into it. It practically touched her toes. If I hadn’t paused to look at that weasel scampering across the path, I’d have been right underneath it when it fell, squished into goo. No, Bhaalspawn, so dust. Not an improvement. She hoped the weasel hadn’t had time to suffer much, and was very thankful she couldn’t see what was under the rock right now. Behind her, her companions were stood stock still as well, most likely as shocked as she felt.
“Look!” Imoen shouted, her voice shrill. “Up there!”
Rini craned her neck back, trying to see what was up at the top of the canyon. Humanoid shapes, sharply outlined against the blue sky, just silhouettes. The shimmering hot air blurred their edges, making it even harder to see details, but she still thought there was something odd about their proportions. They seemed large. Too large.
“Giants,” Edwin said. He sounded rather disgusted. “Such an exceedingly…”
Whatever the wizard had been about to say was rudely interrupted as Dekaras grabbed him by the back of his robe, hurriedly shoving him aside before a second rock had time to land on him and turn him into an even redder wizard than before.
“Fall back!” Rini called out. “There are more of them up there!” And yes, there were more large shapes moving about up there, and plenty of rocks. The bard and her friends made a hurried, and somewhat undignified retreat, running as fast as they dared back the same way they’d come until they reached a shallow valley with a small lake and a few rather pitiful twisted trees. At least the giants didn’t seem inclined to chase after them, which was one small relief. What a day. And to think it all started so well.
-*-
The day had in fact started with a very pleasant brunch at the Odesseiron Mansion, complete with all the little luxuries that could be expected from a noble Thayvian household. Imoen had made a beeline for the ice-cream sculpted into the shape of a roaring dragon with frost magic, and it hadn’t taken long at all for predator to become prey. There had been many other delicacies as well, fresh fruit, cold and warm meat, fish, freshly baked bread, little cakes that literally melted in your mouth and much, much more.
“Do you always eat like this?” She asked her lover. “If so, how come none of you are too fat to walk?”
“Oh, not always,” Edwin said with a quick wave of his hand. “Obviously everything is always of the highest quality (As it should be) but this is a bit out of the ordinary. Mother is in a good mood, and also she wanted to meet all my ‘little friends’ so she’s laying on the hospitality.”
Rini looked over towards the end of the table. Elvira was deep in conversation with Viconia. Both women seemed both amused and highly focused on whatever they were talking about. Now and then one of them would make a little stabbing gesture or draw a diagram in breadcrumbs on the pristine white tablecloth. “I wonder what they’re talking about?” She whispered.
Edwin sighed briefly. “Anything from how to complete world domination to the local variations in the arts of erotic onslaught,” He said. “Quite possibly both. (I’m not entirely sure if I should be pleased or worried.)”
“Speaking of which, where is Vadrak this morning?” Rini asked in her most innocent voice, privately amused to see the wizard cough and go red. “Sleeping in?”
“Running some errands, or so Mother told me,” Edwin said once he was able to breathe properly again. “I would assume he’ll take the time to stop by Auntie Poppy as well to let her know he’s alive and well, or she’d probably kneecap him.”
“Fair enough, as long as we won’t have to hunt him down again. Once we’re all stocked up we’d better leave for the Marching Mountains.”
“Ah yes, to hunt down the hearts of an immortal fire giant and his crazy adopted mother in a desolate mountain fortress. Does the fun never end?”
“Aw, think of it as a fun road trip! You, me, and our friends.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and felt pleasant warmth spreading through her stomach as he gave her a small but delighted smile in return. “And besides, I don’t have much choice. I can hunt Yaga-Shura down, or wait until he hunts me down. The first option seems better.” She looked around the room. “Speaking of our friends, I’m glad they all seem to be having a good time. I think we’ve all earned a little holiday, even if just a short one.”
To be sure, Minsc was cheerfully stuffing himself, pausing only to feed Boo selected delicacies. Rini had worried briefly that Elvira might disapprove of a hamster on the table, but if the wizardess noticed she hadn’t commented. Perhaps she was used to Edwin summoning various creatures around the house. She’d also worried that Elvira would disapprove of a Rashemani berserker at the table, but again she’d been surprised.
“Any friend of Edwin is welcome here,” Elvira had simply said. “And if anybody dares gossip, slander or nitpick, I’ll wring their souls out and use them for dust rags.”
Sarevok was enjoying his meal as well, and was currently in a contest with Imoen about who was the best at catching candied nuts in their mouths. Imoen seemed to be winning by a narrow margin. The large warrior had mentioned something about wanting to take a walk in the garden as well before they left. It wasn’t exactly what she had expected of her brother, but then again there were many things she still didn’t know about Sarevok, weren’t there? She hoped there would be more peaceful interludes like this so she’d get the chance to learn more.
“Is everybody about done, or do I have the time to run a few tests before we take our leave?” Dekaras said from the doorway. How he had managed to enter as quietly as normal under the circumstances Rini honestly didn’t comprehend. The assassin was carrying a large number of packages, big and small, so many that his arms weren’t quite enough and he had to keep some of them in place with his chin. He looked fairly tired, but also very pleased.
“Oh honestly,” Elvira said with a sigh. “Didn’t I tell you that you should bring one or two of the servants so you wouldn’t have to stagger along like a pack-mule?”
“Yes, I seem to recall you mentioning something along those lines.”
“And?”
“And I deemed it unwise.” The assassin carefully adjusted one of his packages, and Rini could just make out a faint sloshing sound. “Since I lost my best weapons and equipment in that little altercation with the Wychlaran, I thought this would be a good opportunity to fully restock and indeed expand upon my inventory. There are many new and interesting inventions currently on the market, but they need to be handled with care. Otherwise, you might find yourself short a few servants, to say nothing of yours truly.”
“They explode?”
“Only if you handle them wrongly. Or correctly, in some cases.”
“Oh, very well. If you bring them along, don’t let Edwin get into them. And I assume trying to get you to have a proper meal is futile, but I will see you once you’re done packing.”
“At your command, of course,” The assassin said with a quick smile. He departed with as much haste as was possible given his heavy load, and Rini didn’t miss the fond and slightly unfocused look Elvira gave him. I hope Eddie and me will be like that after that many years together. An unpleasant thought of murderous Bhaalspawn intruded, making her frown. I hope we’ll have that many years together, and more.
“What is the matter?” Her lover quietly asked.
“Oh, uh, nothing. I mean, everything.”
“Impressively eloquent, and yet entirely nonsensical.”
“Just a bit of travel fever, all the Bhaalspawn mess.” She quirked a smile and blew a strand of red hair out of her eyes. “Got any ideas about how to settle my nerves?”
“But of course. Edwin Odesseiron is, as always, the very epitome of soothing charm, practically oozing it out of every pore, his voice, hands and indeed other important parts enchantingly able to calm, relax, or if necessary entice. (Please let it be entice, at least eventually.)”
“Lead the way, Dread Wizard. I’m all packed, and I figure we’ve got a couple of hours before everyone’s set to leave. Let’s see what you can do in that time, shall we?”
Edwin smiled.
-*-
“So, now what do we do?” Viconia asked. “That route would seem to be entirely impassable unless you’re willing to risk half of us ending up as wet stains on the ground.”
“Which I’m not,” Zaerini said. She was hot and annoyed, the dusty air was irritating her nose and lungs, the persistent smell of sulphur from the hot springs dotting the area didn’t improve things, and now this. “This is…just a setback. That’s all. We’ll figure something out.”
“Can you take us closer to Yaga Shura’s big old Fortress of Doom?” Imoen said. “Just an itsy bitsy bit closer so we don’t have to run the giant gauntlet?”
“I’m afraid not. I’m not a full expert on how this teleportation thing works yet, but it seems it won’t let me choose completely, it’ll land me somewhere it thinks I need to be. Not that I feel an urgent need to have rocks dropped on me, but I’m afraid this is it. Think you guys could scout another way through?”
The two resident rogues looked at each other.
“Maybe,” Imoen said, sounding a little doubtful. “Eventually. It could take a long time though, these canyons are like a maze.”
“True,” Dekaras admitted. “And while I have a fairly good sense of direction, this is not an area I am in any way familiar with, nor could I find any reliable maps. Not surprising perhaps, given it’s a complete wilderness with deadly fire giants as the only permanent residents.”
“Minsc, what about you?” Rini asked, feeling a little desperate now. “You’re a ranger, you’re good at tracking and stuff like that, right?”
“Oh yes, Little Rini! Minsc and Boo can certainly help. If you would like us to, we can Track Giants.”
“Yes? Where are they?”
“Over that way,” Minsc proudly proclaimed, pointing back the way they had come from. “Also, all around the place, or so Boo tells me.”
“Well,” Edwin said with a snort. “That was about as helpful as a paper bathtub, initially promising in appearance and yet ultimately disappointing.”
“I notice you make no suggestions about how your marvelous magic will help resolve the situation,” Sarevok said in a deceptively mild voice.
“That is because I’ve focused on far, far more interesting and indeed useful spells than Divination, I’ll have you know! Furthermore…”
But whatever Edwin had been about to say was abrubtly cut off by a soft thump, and a panicked ‘SQUAWK!’ Six heads suddenly turned to see Dekaras holding a plump white chicken by its neck, one of his daggers gently ruffling the feathers. The chicken was clucking desperately, its beady little black eyes rolling this way and that.
“Vadrak?” Zaerini asked, feeling a little worried about what answer she might get. She’d thought her friend had seemed perfectly normal after his recent ordeal, but after all who knew how it could have affected him? “Why…what are you doing with that chicken?”
“This chicken,” the assassin said, not taking his eyes off the animal, “Is no ordinary chicken. I wouldn’t underestimate it if I were you. It was lurking behind a rock, listening to our conversation. Furthermore, just as I grabbed it, it was starting to cast a spell.”
“What…but…it’s a chicken. Chickens don’t…” The half-elf felt silent, suddenly remembering something. “Then again, we did meet that mage apprentice who got himself accidentally turned into a chicken. Melicamp, wasn’t it? Maybe it’s a more common accident than we thought. Think this is a human under a spell?”
“I wouldn’t know. But I do know that it’s not alone. I heard other creatures close by, two or maybe three more, all of them sounding small.” Dekaras raised his voice. “You may as well come out. If you mean no harm, we will cause you none.”
“On the other hand,” Sarevok filled in, “If you do, it’s about suppertime, and a roast chicken would suit me perfectly. It’s up to you, but I think my friend here is feeling a little twitchy. You should probably show yourselves soon if you want this to end somewhere else than a spit.”
There was a faint murmur behind a cluster of large red rocks, as of shrill voices trying to whisper but not being entirely quiet about it. Then there was the sound of shuffling little feet, and three peculiar beings emerged. The first was something Rini had sincerely hoped never to see again, a tiny blue skinned humanoid, with sharp teeth and glittering eyes. Ew, a Xvart. Can’t say I missed those little buggers. Please don’t let it start singing. The second was another small humanoid, this one green, with large pointed ears. It was clutching a small club defiantly. And a goblin. And to complete the set, the third one. The third one was also mostly humanoid, but with a dog-like snout and a tail vaguely resembling that of a lizard. In its tiny paws it held a very feeble bow, trembling from nerves. Of course, it had to be a kobold. If it shoots fire arrows at me I’ll probably be happy to have it for dessert after the chicken.
“Please, no harm!” The goblin squeaked. “Mighty Bhaalspawn, do no harm to tiny helpless Bhaalspawn! Us just be small adventure group, called ‘Small Wonder’.”
“Oh, well, that’s all right then…come again? Did you say...you’re Bhaalspawn?”
“That be right! I be Tibbit, I take point and hit things! This be Toop, he our healer!” The Xvart bowed. “And this be Merlinious, him like stabby shooty things!” The kobold yipped in approval.
“And…the chicken?” Imoen asked, staring with wide eyes at the struggling bird.
“Him be Chinchilla, him lots clever mage. Can let him go now, yes? No eat? If no eat, us can help, maybe show way to giant place, yes?”
“Can we just go back to that part about you all being Bhaalspawn again?” Sarevok said, looking as if he was choking on a lemon.
“Oh, what is so complicated,” Viconia said, her red eyes sparkling with amusement. “This would seem to have turned into a veritable family reunion. Tell me, what other estranged siblings do you think we might run across? Perhaps an earwig Bhaalspawn? A jellyfish Bhaalspawn? Your late sire seems to have been delightfully deviant, if barking mad.” All the other non-Bhaalspawn present seemed to be having a hard time trying not to laugh, even Edwin, which was extremely unfair in Zaerini’s book. Meanwhile, her two siblings – her two human siblings – were looking grumpier by the moment.
Imagining Bhaal and a fire giant was bad enough. Now I’ll have mental images of Bhaal and a kobold. Or Bhaal and a chicken. My sire won’t even have to make any effort to give me nightmares anymore. Still, diplomacy, diplomacy.
“Fine,” She sighed. “I guess we have a deal. We won’t hurt you, and if you can get us to the giant’s fortress we’d be very grateful. Vadrak, would you let go of the chicken please?”
“Of course,” The assassin readily agreed. “I shall cause no harm to your brother, unless he attempts to unleash his deadly magic upon us. Or would it be sister? Apologies, I am not an expert on chicken anatomy. Would ‘Fowl-kin’ be agreeable?”
This is going to be a really, really long day.