Jump to content


Photo

From the Inbox of Jon Irenicus


  • Please log in to reply
No replies to this topic

#1 Laufey

Posted 09 March 2003 - 01:40 PM

From The Inbox Of Jon Irenicus

From: Sexy Vamp < BiteMe@Bloodsuckers.com >

To: Future God I_Cannot_Be_Caged@megalomaniacs.com

Subject: Baths

Mmmm…hello Brother! Bet it made you nervous when this little thingie dropped into your inbox, didn’t it? * sultry smile * You haven’t forgotten what you promised me only last week, have you? That’s right. Baths. You promised to come over and help me install my new ten-ton marble bathtub down in the crypt, *and * to help fix the plumbing, and don’t you dare trying to weasel out of it. If you do, I’ll eat all the latest batch of Shadow Thieves for myself, and you can damn well go hunt down your own. * pout *

And while we’re on the subject of promises between dead, dear, and adoring siblings, you *also * promised to come shopping down at the Promenade with me next Saturday. I need a few dozen new skimpy outfits, you wouldn’t want me to wear the same old rags all the time, would you? Something in black rubber ought to do nicely. I’ll make certain to help pick something out for you as well, really, that leather-strap thing is *so * last season! Make sure you bring a golem or two to help carry the bags, unless you want to wind up in traction like last time.

Toodles!

Bodhi


-*-


From: LotsaLove LotsaLoveCorp@Sleeze.org

To: Future God I_Cannot_Be_Caged@megalomaniacs.com

Subject: NUDE ELVES!

Ever feel sad? Ever feel lonely? Ever feel the urge for hot elven chicks doing the dirty on your aching, sweaty body? Course you do! And now the dream can become true! Just send us your name, address, age, sexual kinks, and credit card number, and for a paltry sum as many willing vixens as you like will come calling! THIS IS NO SPAM! NOR IS IT A SCAM! IT IS TOTALLY LEGITIMATE! If you wish to be removed from our mailing list, just send us a reply. (And your credit card number.)

-*-

From: Cutest Queenie < NumberOne@Suldanesselar.com >

To: Future God I_Cannot_Be_Caged@megalomaniacs.com

Subject: Feeling Better?

Honey Pie? It’s me, Ellie! You’re not still mad at me, are you, Punkin? I know you were just a *little * bit upset with me about that ‘Severing the Spirit’ thing, but honestly, you *had * been a very naughty boy! You were trying to become more powerful than me after all, and surely you couldn’t expect me to put up with that?

Now, if you’re ready to say you’re sorry I’ll consider forgiving you, and you can come back home. You can have the honor of giving me one of those foot massages you’re so good at…

Her Royal Majesty, the Divine Godchild, Supreme Ruler of Suldanesselar,

Ellesime the Magnificently Cute

-* -

From: Sexy Vamp < BiteMe@Bloodsuckers.com >

To: Future God I_Cannot_Be_Caged@megalomaniacs.com

Subject: Re: Baths

No, Brother, I will *not * settle for ‘A nice foot tub’ instead! You *promised *! I want a tub where I can stretch out luxuriously and really let the lovely blood seep into my pores. And don’t try telling me vampires don’t have pores. We do, and if I don’t get my beauty baths I’ll develop *redheads * . Do you know how unsightly that is? Do you even *care *? Whoops. Stupid question. Of course you don’t. But it makes no difference. You promised to put in my tub AND I WILL HAVE IT!

And if you won’t keep your promises I won’t keep mine. Then I’ll just keep that half-elf and her pink sister for myself. I may not have your fancy gadgets, but I can always suck them dry, and divine blood will be *almost * as useful to me as a divine soul. So there.

Bodhi

P.S. Got a mail from Mum, she wants us to come home for Solstice Dinner this year. Gee, after 300 years you’d think she’d have realized that you don’t want to risk running into your ex, wouldn’t you? Not to mention Auntie Berta who always tries to pinch your cheek and smear her ghastly pink lipstick all over you…

-*-

From: Evil Eye < Master_Of_Mordor@Evil_Overlord.com >

To: Future God I_Cannot_Be_Caged@megalomaniacs.com

Subject: Next Month’s Meeting

Greetings, fellow Evil Overlord.

Just a few brief lines about next month’s meeting of the Evil Overlord Inter-Planar Society. First of all, I am sorry to say that Sarevok will not be joining us this time, and is excused by reason of being dead. That means that the lecture he and I were supposed to do together, on ‘Spiky Evil Armor and The Men/Entities Who Wear It’ will be handled by me alone. So, I was thinking that perhaps you could do a contribution as well, as I know you are a frontal figure in Evil Overlord popular fashion, and well known for your daring and highly personal style. Please let me know as soon as possible if you feel up to it.

Also, Saruman has been looking over the minutes from the last meeting, and it seems that it is your and Lord Voldemort’s turn to handle the food arrangements. Try to come up with something decent this time, and by all that is unholy NO BLOODY PICKLES! We’re all sick of them by now. And when you talk to Voldie, please tell him that his snake will not be allowed to attend. Last time it gave my poor little Shelob a very nasty bite.

Yours in Evil,

Sauron, Dark Lord of Middle Earth, Chair Entity of the Evil Overlord Inter-Planar Society.

-*-

From: Cutest Queenie < NumberOne@Suldanesselar.com >

To: Future God I_Cannot_Be_Caged@megalomaniacs.com

Subject: Re: Feeling Better?

YOU BASTARD! I can’t *believe * you told me that you don’t love me anymore! How *dare * you? And don’t give me that ‘It’s your fault that I can’t love any longer’ either. That’s a really crappy excuse. I’m sure you could if you’d only try.

And what’s up with that ‘Give me back the tiara I gave you’ thing? It’s *mine *. It was my birthday present, my very bestest birthday present, my own, my precious! And I’m keeping it, so there. Pffft. *sticks out tongue *

Her Royal Majesty, the Divine Godchild, Supreme Ruler of Suldanesselar,

Ellesime the Magnificently Cute


From: Evil Eye < Master_Of_Mordor@Evil_Overlord.com >

To: Future God I_Cannot_Be_Caged@megalomaniacs.com

Subject: Re: Next Month’s Meeting

May I remind you that the catering list was read out loud *and * the minutes were signed by all present at the latest meeting? That you were daydreaming about ‘defeating your nemesis’ and ‘ascending to Godhood’ is *no * excuse for neglecting your duties to the Society. We all do that, but do you see the rest of us offering to ‘send out for pizza’? No, you don’t.

NOW GET YOUR LAZY BUTT GOING AND START COOKING!

Yours in Evil,

Sauron, Dark Lord of Middle Earth, Chair Entity of the Evil Overlord Inter-Planar Society.

P.S. And do try to keep to the dress code next time. We’re supposed to be a *classy * society of Evil Overlords, not to look like refugees from a Gay Pride Parade. The attachment contains a list of good tailors, all of them capable of providing you with a traditional black cloak.

-*-

From: Sexy Vamp < BiteMe@Bloodsuckers.com >

To: Future God I_Cannot_Be_Caged@megalomaniacs.com

Subject: Re: Baths

Nope, sorry Brother. I *won’t * be the only one to handle communication with Mum. I’ve had enough of that. She keeps asking me how you’re doing you know, and what am I supposed to tell her? ‘Oh, fine. He’s still decaying and is more insane than ever?’ So you can bloody well tell her yourself that you won’t be coming home for Solstice, and then *you * can listen to her telling you all about everything she sacrificed for us, and just how many hours it took to gave birth to you, not to mention how she’s embarrassed of our ‘wild ways’ when she talks to her friends.

And yes, I still insist on the big bathtub. The really heavy one. You want your only sister to have the best, don’t you?

-*-

From: Sunshine Travels

To: Future God I_Cannot_Be_Caged@megalomaniacs.com

Subject: Re: Must Escape!

Dear Mr Irenicus!

We are enclosing our list of popular holiday goals, from Maztica to Icewind Dale, as you requested, and hope you will find one that is to your satisfaction.

Remember, whether it is the strain of work or an aggravating personal life that is getting to you, Sunshine Travels is always here to help you get away, and we will make certain to arrange it so that you will travel under the assumed name of ‘Mr Underhill’ as do all our anonymous guests. Rest assured that none of your acquaintances will be able to track you down, and may you have a Very Happy Holiday!

Sunshine Travels, President and Founder of Sunshine Travels, the travel agency for the Very Desperate.
Rogues do it from behind.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

Skin Designed By Evanescence at IBSkin.com