Destiny’s Foster Child : 20

Exit Stage Left
Or
Nothing up my Sleeve

“And that’s how I learned that the miniskirt robe and vinyl seats just don’t mix.”

Dynaheir looked rather shell shocked at the odd turn her conversation with the young wizard had taken. “I see…” she finally managed to say. She was quite relieved when the handsome young paladin stepped in-between them in put an end to the discussion of fashion.

“Just ignore him,” Ajantis announced, “It’s easier that way. You were telling us about how you acquired your Minsc. Pray continue, your tale will help pass the time in these dark caves we discovered under the gnoll fortress.”

Xzar looked shocked. “Discovered? There was a big sign. “’This way to the very ulta-secret, rustic and vaguely damp underground exit. Administration not responsible for any injury form wet foors, carrion eating monsters or falling stalactites. Don’t feed the bats. Please keep secret passage secret. Department of Homeland Security approved.’”

Jaheira wanted to say the sign read ‘arf ruff bow wow’ but she remembered the last time she brought up such realities, and decided changing the topic of conversation would be better for all involved. “It must be a trying life,” she said to Dynaheir.

Dynaheir sighed. “Well his attentions were nice, even flattering, for a couple days, but then it started to wear thin. The constant attention. The brutal killing of anyone wishing me a good day. Hamster droppings everywhere. The routine noogies.” She unconsciously touched her recently re-combed hair. “These were all disturbing. But then, the bizarre behaviors started.”

“Minsc acts bizarre?” Kagain said sarcastically. “I hadn’t noticed.”

“I do not jest,” she said choosing not to acknowledge the sarcasm. “The food tasting was tiresome.”

“You never know when someone may try to poison my witch,” Minsc said as he suddenly appeared by Dynaheir’s side. "It is my duty to taste any and all food set before you.”

She startled a bit but continued. “On the upside I lost a lot of weight, not being allowed to eat any actual food put before me. The routine bed checks were annoying.”

“Assassins may sneak into the bed chamber and my poor witch would be defenseless against them.”

“Mayhap Minsc, but your nightly 3 AM invasion of my bedchamber while banging your gong left my nerves frazzled. And please do not talk to me about how sensitive ninja’s ears are,” she said holding up a hand to silence her large ranger guardian. Dynaheir turned back to the party. “Then there was the issue with the privy.”

“It is my duty to ensure the safety and the quality of all things in my witch’s world. I must make sure that the tissue you use is not just strong and durable but soft enough for your delicate hiney.”

“That was when I knew I was in trouble.”

Ajantis shook his head confused. “But, my good woman, you are a magic user. You have the ability to bend the laws of reality to your very whim. You could do many…hurtful things to him…if you were to choose to do so.”

“Oh I know, and I have tried. Believe me I have tried. Such methods simply don’t work, he just shrugs them off and worse, he thinks I am being affectionate. Watch.” She turned to Minsc pointed and said, “Lightning bolt.” A huge arc of electricity flew from her fingertips striking Minsc squarely in the chest. Everyone in the cave was momentarily blinded by the bright arcing electricity. A moment later, there lingered the smell of ozone and burnt fabric.

Yet there stood Minsc rubbing his chest where the bolt struck unfazed by it all. “Ah my witch…you know how that tickles!”

Xzar rubbed his hands together in an excite manner. “May I try?”

“No Xzar,” Jaheira said.

“Oh…crumpets. I never get to have any fun.” He turned to his fellow magic user. “Still with enough spells, you should be able to kill him.

“I have,” she assured him, “seven, or maybe eight times.”

“Twelve times my witch,”

“But if he was dead…?” Ajantis asked.

She shrugged. “I have no idea…every time I managed to do him in, he would just appear the next day unharmed, as if nothing had happened.”

“But how?”

“It is because Minsc and Boo are Minsc and Boo.” Minsc announced as if that helped to clarify the situation.

“Have you considered that you are somehow cursed?”

Dynaheir gave a dismissive wave. “Every waking moment. Oh, you meant cursed as in actually cursed. Now there is an idea. Maybe an exorcism would help.” She looked thoughtfully at Minsc.

“Minsc’s duty is clear. To keep his witch safe until such time as I am declared a man or fair Dynaheir marries.”

“What? Married?” She exclaimed. “You never told me that! Why! Why have you never once mentioned I could be rid of you if I simply got married?”

Minsc looked sheepish. “Well it is difficult sometimes to get a word in edgewise…”

“I cannot believe you never told me that. Well we will fix this here and now.” Dynaheir spun around and fixed her gaze directly on Khalid. “You there, you look presentable enough to marry.”

“I…I…I’m…m…married!” Khalid groped in the air with one hand until he managed to get hold of Jaheira. He immediately pulled his wife in front of him as if she were some sort of shield. “H…happily M…married. T…tell her d…d…dear!”

Dynaheir shrugged. “Ah well plenty of other options. Looks appraisingly at Xzar. Xzar held up his hands in a placating manner. “I’m sorry but my engagement to that bard in Bereghost broke my heart so thoroughly, I couldn’t possibly think of marriage ever again. Well, unless it was a very cute bard.”

She turned her attention to Kagain. He snorted at her. “You should be so lucky witchy poo.”

“Well maybe the halfling,” she mummered.

Montaron learned at her with a grin. “So long as we try it out the bed chamber first, I like to ride a horse before I buy it. If you catch my drift”

She tiled an eyebrow at Montaron. “Suddenly Minsc does not seem so bad. And you good Paladin? Shall you reject me as well?”

“Dear lady, I fear I must. For I could only marry for true love. Will you find it in your lovely heart to forgive me for that?”

“No, no…you are right. I should marry for true love or nothing at all. Well Minsc I guess I’m stuck with you until I can find a singles bar.”

Kagain snorted again. “Well as lovely a sentiment as that is. We got other issues to deal with.” He pointed to a locked dust covered chest sitting in the middle tunnel.

“Oh I wanna see what’s inside. Open it up! Open it up!” Xzar said as he bounced in place.

The dwarf stroked his beard but did not approach the chest further. “It’s not that easy. You see, this is obviously some sort of quest treasure. These things are always the reward for finishing some quest and/or slaying some monster and usually there is a monster guarding a chest like this. But we have defeated no monsters.”

“So?”

“K…Kagain is c…correct. We can’t open it.”

Xzar looked genuinely confused. “Why not?”

“Did you learn nothing from your time in the prison cell?” Jaheira asked. “There are just some ways the world works.”

“So you are saying that even though we could just go and open that treasure laden chest and collect what ever riches that lay within, we will not because we didn’t kill anything in the last five minutes?”

“That about sums it up.” Kagain said shouldering his battle axe. “Well I think the exit is this way. Lets get moving.”

“I refuse to accept this.”

“Its j…just how it is dear b…boy.”

“So if therewas a monster guarding the chest. And we killed it…then we could open the chest. Right?

“Yes,” Khalid answered.

“Well all right then.” Xzar pushed up the sleeves of his robe and pointed his hands toward the chest. “Summon pathetic monster.”

Instantly a small and pale looking goblin appeared. It wheezed at them and then started patting its clothing “My Inhaler,” it gasped. “I need my inhaler.”

Xzar pointed at the goblin and commanded, “Guard that chest.”

“What in the name of leaf mold are you doing?” Jaheira demanded.

“I produced a monster to guard the chest, it appears to be an asthmatic goblin.” The goblin begin a series of raspy coughs.

“Please stand back Jaheira.” Once again Xzar waved his hands and said, “Fireball.” A globe of flame shot or form his hand and enveloped the goblin who was instantly burned to a crisp. “Now that I have killed the monster guarding the chest, we can open it right up.”

“I’m not sure that counts.” Montaron said.

“Just open the chest already!”

Montaron looked unsure of himself.

“I happen to have another fireball spell prepared.” Xzar said as he casually examined his fingernails.

“One open chest coming right up,” Montaron said. Seconds later the hinges of the chest lead creaked in protest as the lid came off.

“So is it gold? Jewels? A conservative stock portfolio?” Xzar was back to bounding like an over active child that has had too many cookies.

“No it’s just a book,” Montaron said

“That’s it? A book?”

“‘Fraid so. Mighty heavy book too.” Montaron dumped the tome out onto the cave floor with a loud thud.

Xzar held a finger to his temple. “Wait. My keenly tuned mystic senses tell me it is more than just a book. I will cast a powerful divination spell to determine the true nature of this mystical artifact. But not just any divination spell Monty. It’s my special identification spell.”

“Oh no,” the halfling said.

“Are you ready Monty?”

“I ain’t doing it.”

“Oh come on Monty, do be a sport. You know the magic wont work without you.”

“NO!”

Xzar cross his arms defiantly. “I won’t cast my spell if you don’t help out.”

Montaron also adopted a pose showing his determination to not budge. “I said no you carnival side show reject.”

Jaheira sighed. “Montaron, perhaps it would be best…”

“NO!”

“I don’t know why you are protesting but surely it can’t be worse than standing her listening to Xzar prattle on.”

“And I will prattle on for hours and hours,” Xzar agreed.

“Oh all right.”

Xzar smiled broadly, I knew you would come around Monty. It so good of you to volunteer like this. Now. The ancient incantation” Xzar waived his hands over the mysterious tome. “Enie mine magic beanie…the spirits are about to speak.” He looked expectantly at Montaron who was looking more sour than usual.

Jaheira nudges Montaron. He scowled at her and with decided lack of enthusiasm he said, “Are they friendly spirits?”

“Friendly?!” Xzar exclaimed. “Why they are so friendly they just revealed the title of this book to me. “How to make friends and influence people.” His smile slowly collapsed into a frown. “That hardly seemed spell worthy. Oh well I’ll just tuck this away for a little light reading for the loo.”

Kagain was kicking at some rocks. “If the magic show is over… The exit to the caves is over here and night will fall soon.”

“Yes by all means, let’s head off into the sunset.” Ajantis agreed.

“We are traveling east.”

“Then let’s head off into the gathering gloom.”

“H…hardly gloomy,” Khalid said as they stepped out into the evening. “Such a b…beautiful night.”

Jaheira slipped her hand into her husbands. “Yes it is lovely, I can think of nothing that would spoil such an evening.”

“No I will not kiss your hamster!” Dynaheir was waving her hands at Minsc who was holding a rather rumpled looking boo out towards her face. “Keep that rodent away from me…oh by the stars…did you see what it did? My best robe too.”

“That was quite an eventful side quest. But in the end it all came out well.” Xzar said to no one in particular. “But…I can’t help but shake the feeling we’ve forgotten something.”

Meanwhile in the dungeons Kivan sat at a velvet cloth covered table set for two. The candles in the candelabra were wearing down. Absently he toyed with his unused dinner setting. “I wonder what is keeping Montaron,” He said.

Dynaheir looked rather shell shocked at the odd turn her conversation with the young wizard had taken. “I see…” she finally managed to say. She was quite relieved when the handsome young paladin stepped in-between them in put an end to the discussion of fashion.

It seems like Xzar has found yet another victim.

Dynaheir sighed. “Well his attentions were nice, even flattering, for a couple days, but then it started to wear thin. The constant attention. The brutal killing of anyone wishing me a good day. Hamster droppings everywhere. The routine noogies.” She unconsciously touched her recently re-combed hair. “These were all disturbing. But then, the bizarre behaviors started.”

Painful suicide sounds better than being on the receiving end of Minsc’s romantic affections…

“It is my duty to ensure the safety and the quality of all things in my witch’s world. I must make sure that the tissue you use is not just strong and durable but soft enough for your delicate hiney.”

“That was when I knew I was in trouble.”

Sounds like fate worse than death, really.

Ajantis shook his head confused. “But, my good woman, you are a magic user. You have the ability to bend the laws of reality to your very whim. You could do many…hurtful things to him…if you were to choose to do so.”

We can only hope.

She shrugged. “I have no idea…every time I managed to do him in, he would just appear the next day unharmed, as if nothing had happened.”

“But how?”

“It is because Minsc and Boo are Minsc and Boo.” Minsc announced as if that helped to clarify the situation.

I wonder if she has tried Disintegrate yet?

“I cannot believe you never told me that. Well we will fix this here and now.” Dynaheir spun around and fixed her gaze directly on Khalid. “You there, you look presentable enough to marry.”

Uh Oh, very bad move!

“I…I…I’m…m…married!” Khalid groped in the air with one hand until he managed to get hold of Jaheira. He immediately pulled his wife in front of him as if she were some sort of shield. “H…happily M…married. T…tell her d…d…dear!”

This could get very violent very quickly!

“K…Kagain is c…correct. We can’t open it.”

Xzar looked genuinely confused. “Why not?”

It’s also probably locked and booby trapped.

Instantly a small and pale looking goblin appeared. It wheezed at them and then started patting its clothing “My Inhaler,” it gasped. “I need my inhaler.”

Aww, the poor thing.

“Please stand back Jaheira.” Once again Xzar waved his hands and said, “Fireball.” A globe of flame shot or form his hand and enveloped the goblin who was instantly burned to a crisp. “Now that I have killed the monster guarding the chest, we can open it right up.”

“I’m not sure that counts.” Montaron said.

Nope, the goblin didn’t have the necessary Challenge Rating.

“I don’t know why you are protesting but surely it can’t be worse than standing her listening to Xzar prattle on.”

“And I will prattle on for hours and hours,” Xzar agreed.

Hmm, he can be very persuasive at times.

Jaheira slipped her hand into her husbands. “Yes it is lovely, I can think of nothing that would spoil such an evening.”

*sigh* Don’t say that…

Meanwhile in the dungeons Kivan sat at a velvet cloth covered table set for two. The candles in the candelabra were wearing down. Absently he toyed with his unused dinner setting. “I wonder what is keeping Montaron,” He said.

Poor Kivan… his heart will be broken… excellent.

Dynaheir looked rather shell shocked at the odd turn her conversation with the young wizard had taken. “I see…” she finally managed to say. She was quite relieved when the handsome young paladin stepped in-between them in put an end to the discussion of fashion.

It seems like Xzar has found yet another victim.

We are all victims of Xzar.

Dynaheir sighed. “Well his attentions were nice, even flattering, for a couple days, but then it started to wear thin. The constant attention. The brutal killing of anyone wishing me a good day. Hamster droppings everywhere. The routine noogies.” She unconsciously touched her recently re-combed hair. “These were all disturbing. But then, the bizarre behaviors started.”

Painful suicide sounds better than being on the receiving end of Minsc’s romantic affections…

Sadly he would prevent you from actually harming yourself

“It is my duty to ensure the safety and the quality of all things in my witch’s world. I must make sure that the tissue you use is not just strong and durable but soft enough for your delicate hiney.”

“That was when I knew I was in trouble.”

Sounds like fate worse than death, really.

Two ply AND quilted

Ajantis shook his head confused. “But, my good woman, you are a magic user. You have the ability to bend the laws of reality to your very whim. You could do many…hurtful things to him…if you were to choose to do so.”

We can only hope.

Hurt Minsc?!!!

She shrugged. “I have no idea…every time I managed to do him in, he would just appear the next day unharmed, as if nothing had happened.”

“But how?”

“It is because Minsc and Boo are Minsc and Boo.” Minsc announced as if that helped to clarify the situation.

I wonder if she has tried Disintegrate yet?

While I don’t give two cents about levels and such …lets pretend she isn’t high enough level to do that particular spell

“I cannot believe you never told me that. Well we will fix this here and now.” Dynaheir spun around and fixed her gaze directly on Khalid. “You there, you look presentable enough to marry.”

Uh Oh, very bad move!

Looking presentable? Well yes it is a bad move…I will peak to Khalid about that

“I…I…I’m…m…married!” Khalid groped in the air with one hand until he managed to get hold of Jaheira. He immediately pulled his wife in front of him as if she were some sort of shield. “H…happily M…married. T…tell her d…d…dear!”

This could get very violent very quickly!

Dynaheir is a lover not a fighter

“K…Kagain is c…correct. We can’t open it.”

Xzar looked genuinely confused. “Why not?”

It’s also probably locked and booby trapped.

That’s why we have monty

Instantly a small and pale looking goblin appeared. It wheezed at them and then started patting its clothing “My Inhaler,” it gasped. “I need my inhaler.”

Aww, the poor thing.

its better this way...really

“Please stand back Jaheira.” Once again Xzar waved his hands and said, “Fireball.” A globe of flame shot or form his hand and enveloped the goblin who was instantly burned to a crisp. “Now that I have killed the monster guarding the chest, we can open it right up.”

“I’m not sure that counts.” Montaron said.

Nope, the goblin didn’t have the necessary Challenge Rating.

You tell that to the guy with the spells

“I don’t know why you are protesting but surely it can’t be worse than standing her listening to Xzar prattle on.”

“And I will prattle on for hours and hours,” Xzar agreed.

Hmm, he can be very persuasive at times.

Of course he will prattle on no matter what happens

Jaheira slipped her hand into her husbands. “Yes it is lovely, I can think of nothing that would spoil such an evening.”

*sigh* Don’t say that…

Well…her evening wont be spoiled

Meanwhile in the dungeons Kivan sat at a velvet cloth covered table set for two. The candles in the candelabra were wearing down. Absently he toyed with his unused dinner setting. “I wonder what is keeping Montaron,” He said.

Poor Kivan… his heart will be broken… excellent.

But he WILL be back

“And that’s how I learned that the miniskirt robe and vinyl seats just don’t mix.”

Eeeee!

Xzar looked shocked. “Discovered? There was a big sign. “’This way to the very ulta-secret, rustic and vaguely damp underground exit. Administration not responsible for any injury form wet foors, carrion eating monsters or falling stalactites. Don’t feed the bats. Please keep secret passage secret. Department of Homeland Security approved.’”

Jaheira wanted to say the sign read ‘arf ruff bow wow’ but she remembered the last time she brought up such realities, and decided changing the topic of conversation would be better for all involved. “It must be a trying life,” she said to Dynaheir.

I adore Xzar's command of gnollish literature

“I do not jest,” she said choosing not to acknowledge the sarcasm. “The food tasting was tiresome.”

“You never know when someone may try to poison my witch,” Minsc said as he suddenly appeared by Dynaheir’s side. "It is my duty to taste any and all food set before you.”

And he tasted it thoroughly, I can imagine.

She startled a bit but continued. “On the upside I lost a lot of weight, not being allowed to eat any actual food put before me. The routine bed checks were annoying.”

“Mayhap Minsc, but your nightly 3 AM invasion of my bedchamber while banging your gong left my nerves frazzled. And please do not talk to me about how sensitive ninja’s ears are,” she said holding up a hand to silence her large ranger guardian. Dynaheir turned back to the party. “Then there was the issue with the privy.”

“It is my duty to ensure the safety and the quality of all things in my witch’s world. I must make sure that the tissue you use is not just strong and durable but soft enough for your delicate hiney.”

Oh, dear.

She shrugged. “I have no idea…every time I managed to do him in, he would just appear the next day unharmed, as if nothing had happened.”

“But how?”

“It is because Minsc and Boo are Minsc and Boo.” Minsc announced as if that helped to clarify the situation.

Okay... *backs away slowly*

(I suspects she needs to kill both of 'em...)

“Minsc’s duty is clear. To keep his witch safe until such time as I am declared a man or fair Dynaheir marries.”

“What? Married?” She exclaimed. “You never told me that! Why! Why have you never once mentioned I could be rid of you if I simply got married?”

So, who'll the groom be?

Dynaheir shrugged. “Ah well plenty of other options. Looks appraisingly at Xzar. Xzar held up his hands in a placating manner. “I’m sorry but my engagement to that bard in Bereghost broke my heart so thoroughly, I couldn’t possibly think of marriage ever again. Well, unless it was a very cute bard.”

“No, no…you are right. I should marry for true love or nothing at all. Well Minsc I guess I’m stuck with you until I can find a singles bar.”

Well, then, how about just declaring Minsc a man?

“Well all right then.” Xzar pushed up the sleeves of his robe and pointed his hands toward the chest. “Summon pathetic monster.”

Instantly a small and pale looking goblin appeared. It wheezed at them and then started patting its clothing “My Inhaler,” it gasped. “I need my inhaler.”

“Please stand back Jaheira.” Once again Xzar waved his hands and said, “Fireball.” A globe of flame shot or form his hand and enveloped the goblin who was instantly burned to a crisp. “Now that I have killed the monster guarding the chest, we can open it right up.”

“I’m not sure that counts.” Montaron said.

Hey, it makes at least as much sense as the rules that led to him doing it!

“That was quite an eventful side quest. But in the end it all came out well.” Xzar said to no one in particular. “But…I can’t help but shake the feeling we’ve forgotten something.”

Meanwhile in the dungeons Kivan sat at a velvet cloth covered table set for two. The candles in the candelabra were wearing down. Absently he toyed with his unused dinner setting. “I wonder what is keeping Montaron,” He said.

Poor Kivan

“And that’s how I learned that the miniskirt robe and vinyl seats just don’t mix.”

Eeeee!

Xzar looked shocked. “Discovered? There was a big sign. “’This way to the very ulta-secret, rustic and vaguely damp underground exit. Administration not responsible for any injury form wet foors, carrion eating monsters or falling stalactites. Don’t feed the bats. Please keep secret passage secret. Department of Homeland Security approved.’”

Jaheira wanted to say the sign read ‘arf ruff bow wow’ but she remembered the last time she brought up such realities, and decided changing the topic of conversation would be better for all involved. “It must be a trying life,” she said to Dynaheir.

I adore Xzar's command of gnollish literature

It stems from my theories about Japanese and Cantonese. When watching a foreign film form that portion of the world the actors will stand and speak for some time and the voice over will translate “hello”

“I do not jest,” she said choosing not to acknowledge the sarcasm. “The food tasting was tiresome.”

“You never know when someone may try to poison my witch,” Minsc said as he suddenly appeared by Dynaheir’s side. "It is my duty to taste any and all food set before you.”

And he tasted it thoroughly, I can imagine.

The poison is sometimes in the very last bite

She startled a bit but continued. “On the upside I lost a lot of weight, not being allowed to eat any actual food put before me. The routine bed checks were annoying.”

“Mayhap Minsc, but your nightly 3 AM invasion of my bedchamber while banging your gong left my nerves frazzled. And please do not talk to me about how sensitive ninja’s ears are,” she said holding up a hand to silence her large ranger guardian. Dynaheir turned back to the party. “Then there was the issue with the privy.”

“It is my duty to ensure the safety and the quality of all things in my witch’s world. I must make sure that the tissue you use is not just strong and durable but soft enough for your delicate hiney.”

Oh, dear.

quilted for softness

She shrugged. “I have no idea…every time I managed to do him in, he would just appear the next day unharmed, as if nothing had happened.”

“But how?”

“It is because Minsc and Boo are Minsc and Boo.” Minsc announced as if that helped to clarify the situation.

Okay... *backs away slowly*

(I suspects she needs to kill both of 'em...)

Kill Boo?

“Minsc’s duty is clear. To keep his witch safe until such time as I am declared a man or fair Dynaheir marries.”

“What? Married?” She exclaimed. “You never told me that! Why! Why have you never once mentioned I could be rid of you if I simply got married?”

So, who'll the groom be?

I haven’t even begun to play with this one yet

Dynaheir shrugged. “Ah well plenty of other options. Looks appraisingly at Xzar. Xzar held up his hands in a placating manner. “I’m sorry but my engagement to that bard in Bereghost broke my heart so thoroughly, I couldn’t possibly think of marriage ever again. Well, unless it was a very cute bard.”

“No, no…you are right. I should marry for true love or nothing at all. Well Minsc I guess I’m stuck with you until I can find a singles bar.”

Well, then, how about just declaring Minsc a man?

You don’t want to know what that entails

“Well all right then.” Xzar pushed up the sleeves of his robe and pointed his hands toward the chest. “Summon pathetic monster.”

Instantly a small and pale looking goblin appeared. It wheezed at them and then started patting its clothing “My Inhaler,” it gasped. “I need my inhaler.”

“Please stand back Jaheira.” Once again Xzar waved his hands and said, “Fireball.” A globe of flame shot or form his hand and enveloped the goblin who was instantly burned to a crisp. “Now that I have killed the monster guarding the chest, we can open it right up.”

“I’m not sure that counts.” Montaron said.

Hey, it makes at least as much sense as the rules that led to him doing it!

The rules don’t make sense at all

“That was quite an eventful side quest. But in the end it all came out well.” Xzar said to no one in particular. “But…I can’t help but shake the feeling we’ve forgotten something.”

Meanwhile in the dungeons Kivan sat at a velvet cloth covered table set for two. The candles in the candelabra were wearing down. Absently he toyed with his unused dinner setting. “I wonder what is keeping Montaron,” He said.

Poor Kivan

He’s feeling quite lonely now


Soon he may start to think Monty’s friends are trying to keep them apart