Destiny’s Foster Child : 18

Rescue Me
Or
Worse Than You Ever Imagined



“And that’s how I learned just how many gnolls there could be.”

Jaheira was quietly and repetitively pounding her head against the cold, damp, stone wall of the dungeon cell they were imprisoned in. “Yes Xzar, we know. We were all there.”

Montaron stuck a finger in Xzar’s face. “Don’t tell that one again. In fact, shut up entirely.”

Xzar looked genuinely hurt. “Well I thought it was an entertaining and delightful story. Fun for the entire family.”

“Xzar we marched over untold miles of wilderness put up with attacks from winter wolves, stray gnolls, stupid bridge guarding ogres and misplaced polar bears,” Ajantis said ticking off the encounters they had over the last several days. “I have on idea just what that bear was doing this far south…or why it wanted to kill that foppish man.. .who was wandering, alone, in monster infested wilderness….” He looked puzzled for a moment than shook his head as to clear it. “Anyway, we went through all that just to make an impromptu head on assault on the gnoll fortress because your bald friend decided the best course of action at seeing a fortress filled with thousands of armed and angry gnolls was to scream loudly and charge in the front gate.”

Misc was huddled in the corner oblivious to the rest of the party. “Oh my sweet lovable boo! Taken from me. And you were so young. Too young.”

Ajantis felt a tinge of guilt that the child like Minsc had lost his hamster when they were captured. “Now, here we sit awaiting our eventual executions, no doubt a sacrifice to whatever demon these creatures worship.”

Jaheira patted the shoulder of the young Paladin in an awkward yet comforting manner.

“I notice you didn’t get snippy when he gave a monologue recounting the last several days,” Xzar said to her.

Kagain stopped his pacing long enough to glare at Xzar. “His version didn’t last nine hours.”

“Mine was far more detailed and I spent time developing the characters and sub-plots.”

Minsc let out another pitiful moan. “First I loose my witch, then I loose my hamster. I have failed! Failed as a ranger failed at my dejemma, my ritual journey to manhood. I will never be a man now.”

“Exactly how old are you Minsc?”

“Minsc is 46, why do you ask?”

“You are 46 years old and just getting to your ritual test of manhood?”

“There is quite a backlog of ritual manhood tests back home. And now I will be at least 70 before I can get through the re-application and appeals process. I sought only to kick evil in the backside but instead evil turned the tables and gave me a wet willie instead. Papa was right, I should have finished medical school, I only had a year to go when the siren call of the mossy woods gripped me. Gripped me in a friendly place mind you…not in a private place”

“If you were a doctor then you would be loosing patients instead of gerbils,” Montaron mumbled.

“Oh Monty, don’t be such a grumpy puss. Are you sure you cannot do anything bout the door?”

Montaron looked at Xzar like he wished to strangle the wizard. “The door? Well let me think. Sure, I could have unlocked that door in a trice. It only be a thieves cell door, with no lock mechanism, just a series of bards holding it in place, bars that you can’t see or manipulate from the inside, bars that have to be operated from yards away using a crank mechanism. I could have just popped that baby open but I decided that since I was having so much fun listening to you prattle on for hours like a ninny that I thought better of it.”

Xzar grinned and clapped his hands. “I just knew you liked my story. Oh thank you …”

“No I didn’t like your story you gigantic twit! That was sarcasm!”

“Oh. I see. You know I never get sarcasm Monty. I do so wish you would stop trying it on me.”

“Instead of ar…arguing, we sh...should be conserving our s…strength.”

“For what?”

Khalid’s hopefull expression collapsed in on itself. “Um…our ex…executions?” He said going back to contemplating his section of the cell wall.

“Well, Khalid has it quite right.”

“I d...do?”

“Yes you do. What a leader you are. Trying to get us to focus, not on the negatives of our situation, but the positives.” Xzar gave Khalid a friendly punch in the arm.

“He’s talking about our upcoming deaths.”

“Yes, yes Monty. Details. Details. The point is he wasn’t complaining about them. There is a bright side to every situation.” Xzar looked around the dim dank and ancient prison cell. “Well come come, lets number the positive things about our situation. I’ll start, number one, we are all together.”

“I thought you said positive things,” Kagain grunted as he paced by.

“I swear, you people. Why if nothing else at least things couldn’t possibly get any worse.”

“AHHHHH!” Came the collective cry of the rest of the party.

“He said it.” Ajantis said as he folded himself into the fetal position. “He said it!”

“You idiot!” Montaron spit.

“What?”

“You said things couldn’t be worse.”

“Technically I said things couldn’t possibly get any worse but I shant quibble over semantics with you.”

Jaheira had gone as pale as a sheet. “Don’t you see you fool? Things can ALWAYS get worse. And when you say something like that can’t get worse…”

“Couldn’t possibly get any worse,” Xzar corrected

Kagain kicked Xzar in the shin. “Your quibbling…her point is when you say it…they do.”

Xzar put his hands on his hips and frowned at his teammates. “We are locked in an inescapable cell in an abandoned fortress currently run by savage gnolls, awaiting the time when we will be sacrificed to their demon god. They took our weapons, they took our armor, they took our toiletries, our nail care kits, our shoes, and any bottles containing liquid. Then we were racially profiled, strip searched and we all got a body cavity check, some of us got that twice.” From over in his corner Minsc let out a small sob. “Oh yes,” Xzar added, “and they took our hamster. No one knows where we are, there is no hope of rescue. No matter how you look at it… things couldn’t possibly get any worse.”

“AHHHHH!!!”

“Stop saying that!” Kagain yelled giving Xzar another kick to the shins.

“Xzar,” Jaheira said quietly. “Things can always get worse.”

“How?” Xzar looked at each of his companions in turn. “Please enlighten me as to just how things could be worse than they are right now.”

“The walls could start coming together, closing together to crush us to death.” Ajantis suggested.

Xzar gave a dismissive wave. “Not in a prison cell, and besides if the walls operated mechanically like that Monty would have used them to help us escape.”

“M…millions of flesh eating s….scarabs could flood the cell.” Khalid said with a shiver.

“You know very well that scarabs aren’t carnivorous, they are scavengers and carrion eaters.”

“N…not the point.”

“It’s exactly the point,” Xzar said with a shake of his head.

Montaron glared at him. “I could loose my last finger hold on sanity and kill the lot of you with my bare hands…doing so in reverse alphabetical order.”

Xzar ruffled Montaron’s perpetually untidy hair. “Oh, as if you would ever harm me.”

Kagain stepped up and Xzar took a quick stop backwards. Two kicks to the shins was quite enough for one day. Kagain wheezed, “The gnolls could decide to entertains us with their off Broadway production of Cats.

Xzar pondered that for a moment. “You are right, that would be worse. Forgive me.” A darkening mood seemed to hang over everyone in the cell. “So now what?”

“We wait for things to get worse.” Jaheira sighed.

It was then that they heard muffled barking calls from the hall outside their cell. There was the distinctive clang of weapon upon weapon and more of the gnolls high pitched barking. It was obvious that some sort of pitched battle was going on outside their cell. Then as suddenly as it began, all went silent.

Everyone in the cell strained to listen for any clue as to what was going on outside. Moments seemed to stretch into hours. There was a sudden ear splitting metal clank they recognizable as pert of the door mechanism. There followed two other identical sounds. With an angry squeal of rust covered hinges the cell door slowly opened. As one the party edged forward wondering just who, or what was coming to their rescue.

A cloaked figure appeared in door. His features obscured by shadow.

The party gasped.

Slowly the figure pushed back his hood. “Montaron, at last I have found you.” Kivan said.

“Oh for the love of the Gods!” Montaron exclaimed. He turned his face up to the ceiling and shouted, “The Scarabs, I’ll take the scarabs.”

The elfin ranger stepped into the cell. “Long have I sought you, Montaron. Long have I stove to prove I am worthy of you. We must not waste time on idle chatter, for I wish only one thing.”

“Well you ain’t getting it from me.” Montaron said trying to keep a good distance away from the elfin ranger

“You disappoint me Montaron. I suppose I could relock the cell to allow you time to think about it.”

“That will not be necessary.” Jaheira said quickly.

Xzar clamped a hand over Montaron’s mouth. “Absolutely not. What dear Monty is saying, in his own unique way, is that he would be happy, no thrilled, to go on a date with you.”

Montaron pulled the hand away from his mouth for a moment. “Bloody hell I will.”

“Quiet Monty.” The hand clamped back on and was joined by one of Khalid’s

“Really? A date?” Kivan asked looking a bit misty eyed. “You missed me too didn’t you? I knew you did.”

“He has t…talked of little else but you since our l…last encounter.” Khalid said. “Isn’t that r…right Ajantis?”

The Paladin looked stunned for a moment then managed to say. “Well…technically that is true.”

Montaron continued to struggle in the tight grip of his larger companions. He was turning a rather vibrant shade of red.

“A date…oh joy!” Kivan seemed to float on air.

Xzar nodded, “Yes a date. Right after we rescue our friends charge and his hamster. It’s a prior commitment. You understand don’t you?”

Kivan sighed. ”Yes, I understand, hamsters before pleasure.”

An absolutely brilliant chapter! My former illusion of the quiet and stoic elven ranger Kivan is crumbling. Hilarious! And Xzar is fantastic!

*applauses*

Rescue Me
Or
Worse Than You Ever Imagined

Jaheira was quietly and repetitively pounding her head against the cold, damp, stone wall of the dungeon cell they were imprisoned in. “Yes Xzar, we know. We were all there.”

I'm starting to wonder how many brain cells she has after being in their company...

Xzar looked genuinely hurt. “Well I thought it was an entertaining and delightful story. Fun for the entire family.”

“Xzar we marched over untold miles of wilderness put up with attacks from winter wolves, stray gnolls, stupid bridge guarding ogres and misplaced polar bears,” Ajantis said ticking off the encounters they had over the last several days. “I have on idea just what that bear was doing this far south…or why it wanted to kill that foppish man.. .who was wandering, alone, in monster infested wilderness….” He looked puzzled for a moment than shook his head as to clear it. “Anyway, we went through all that just to make an impromptu head on assault on the gnoll fortress because your bald friend decided the best course of action at seeing a fortress filled with thousands of armed and angry gnolls was to scream loudly and charge in the front gate.”

Yeah that was always a puzzlement, all of it.

“I notice you didn’t get snippy when he gave a monologue recounting the last several days,” Xzar said to her.

Kagain stopped his pacing long enough to glare at Xzar. “His version didn’t last nine hours.”

Worse, much worse than sacrifice

“Mine was far more detailed and I spent time developing the characters and sub-plots.”

“There is quite a backlog of ritual manhood tests back home. And now I will be at least 70 before I can get through the re-application and appeals process. I sought only to kick evil in the backside but instead evil turned the tables and gave me a wet willie instead. Papa was right, I should have finished medical school, I only had a year to go when the siren call of the mossy woods gripped me. Gripped me in a friendly place mind you…not in a private place”

“If you were a doctor then you would be loosing patients instead of gerbils,” Montaron mumbled.

So you have what? 5 years as a man? Dr Minsc yikes!

Khalid’s hopefull expression collapsed in on itself. “Um…our ex…executions?” He said going back to contemplating his section of the cell wall.

Quite right! Just because it's your death doesn't mean it can't be done right.

“I d...do?”

He does?

“Yes you do. What a leader you are. Trying to get us to focus, not on the negatives of our situation, but the positives.” Xzar gave Khalid a friendly punch in the arm.

Your Xzar for some reason reminds me of Apthorpe from Sword of Honour

“I swear, you people. Why if nothing else at least things couldn’t possibly get any worse.”

DON'T!

Jaheira had gone as pale as a sheet. “Don’t you see you fool? Things can ALWAYS get worse. And when you say something like that can’t get worse…”

Xzar put his hands on his hips and frowned at his teammates. “We are locked in an inescapable cell in an abandoned fortress currently run by savage gnolls, awaiting the time when we will be sacrificed to their demon god. They took our weapons, they took our armor, they took our toiletries, our nail care kits, our shoes, and any bottles containing liquid. Then we were racially profiled, strip searched and we all got a body cavity check, some of us got that twice.” From over in his corner Minsc let out a small sob. “Oh yes,” Xzar added, “and they took our hamster. No one knows where we are, there is no hope of rescue. No matter how you look at it… things couldn’t possibly get any worse.”

“AHHHHH!!!”

Not really learning, but then again that's Xzar for you.

Kagain stepped up and Xzar took a quick stop backwards. Two kicks to the shins was quite enough for one day. Kagain wheezed, “The gnolls could decide to entertains us with their off Broadway production of Cats.

The Horror! The Horror!

Xzar pondered that for a moment. “You are right, that would be worse. Forgive me.” A darkening mood seemed to hang over everyone in the cell. “So now what?”

“We wait for things to get worse.” Jaheira sighed.

Slowly the figure pushed back his hood. “Montaron, at last I have found you.” Kivan said.

...
...
...
...
Oh god, The pervert Kivan

“Oh for the love of the Gods!” Montaron exclaimed. He turned his face up to the ceiling and shouted, “The Scarabs, I’ll take the scarabs.”

Don't blame him.

Kivan sighed. ”Yes, I understand, hamsters before pleasure.”

great line.

An absolutely brilliant chapter! My former illusion of the quiet and stoic elven ranger Kivan is crumbling. Hilarious! And Xzar is fantastic!

*applauses*

Thank you for commenting.

I should warn you I have evil plans for all the characters…especially the heroic noble and stoic ones….hope you aren’t a Keldorn fan

Rescue Me
Or
Worse Than You Ever Imagined

Jaheira was quietly and repetitively pounding her head against the cold, damp, stone wall of the dungeon cell they were imprisoned in. “Yes Xzar, we know. We were all there.”

I'm starting to wonder how many brain cells she has after being in their company...

Her brain cells are committing suicide at an alarming rate

“Xzar we marched over untold miles of wilderness put up with attacks from winter wolves, stray gnolls, stupid bridge guarding ogres and misplaced polar bears,” Ajantis said ticking off the encounters they had over the last several days. “I have on idea just what that bear was doing this far south…or why it wanted to kill that foppish man.. .who was wandering, alone, in monster infested wilderness….” He looked puzzled for a moment than shook his head as to clear it. “Anyway, we went through all that just to make an impromptu head on assault on the gnoll fortress because your bald friend decided the best course of action at seeing a fortress filled with thousands of armed and angry gnolls was to scream loudly and charge in the front gate.”

Yeah that was always a puzzlement, all of it.

There is so many things that just don’t make sense in the game…I will never be able ot make fun of them all

“I notice you didn’t get snippy when he gave a monologue recounting the last several days,” Xzar said to her.

Kagain stopped his pacing long enough to glare at Xzar. “His version didn’t last nine hours.”

Worse, much worse than sacrifice

Truthfully a nine hour recap doesn’t seem that bad

“Mine was far more detailed and I spent time developing the characters and sub-plots.”

Gotta have sub-plots

“There is quite a backlog of ritual manhood tests back home. And now I will be at least 70 before I can get through the re-application and appeals process. I sought only to kick evil in the backside but instead evil turned the tables and gave me a wet willie instead. Papa was right, I should have finished medical school, I only had a year to go when the siren call of the mossy woods gripped me. Gripped me in a friendly place mind you…not in a private place”

“If you were a doctor then you would be loosing patients instead of gerbils,” Montaron mumbled.

So you have what? 5 years as a man? Dr Minsc yikes!

I’m sure Dr. Minsc would specialize…may podiatry

Khalid’s hopefull expression collapsed in on itself. “Um…our ex…executions?” He said going back to contemplating his section of the cell wall.

Quite right! Just because it's your death doesn't mean it can't be done right.

And that is something best done well the first time

“I d...do?”

He does?

“Yes you do. What a leader you are. Trying to get us to focus, not on the negatives of our situation, but the positives.” Xzar gave Khalid a friendly punch in the arm.

Your Xzar for some reason reminds me of Apthorpe from Sword of Honour

That is a new one on me…will have to look it up.

I have been told by a good friend that Xzar reminds them of Truman Capotte. Which is disturbing because Xzar is actually much closer to my own personality than any other character I’ve written…spooky insight into me

“I swear, you people. Why if nothing else at least things couldn’t possibly get any worse.”

DON'T!

to late

Jaheira had gone as pale as a sheet. “Don’t you see you fool? Things can ALWAYS get worse. And when you say something like that can’t get worse…”

and they always do

Xzar put his hands on his hips and frowned at his teammates. “We are locked in an inescapable cell in an abandoned fortress currently run by savage gnolls, awaiting the time when we will be sacrificed to their demon god. They took our weapons, they took our armor, they took our toiletries, our nail care kits, our shoes, and any bottles containing liquid. Then we were racially profiled, strip searched and we all got a body cavity check, some of us got that twice.” From over in his corner Minsc let out a small sob. “Oh yes,” Xzar added, “and they took our hamster. No one knows where we are, there is no hope of rescue. No matter how you look at it… things couldn’t possibly get any worse.”

“AHHHHH!!!”

Not really learning, but then again that's Xzar for you.

does anyone in these works ever learn anything?

Kagain stepped up and Xzar took a quick stop backwards. Two kicks to the shins was quite enough for one day. Kagain wheezed, “The gnolls could decide to entertains us with their off Broadway production of Cats.

The Horror! The Horror!

it was the worst think i could think of

Xzar pondered that for a moment. “You are right, that would be worse. Forgive me.” A darkening mood seemed to hang over everyone in the cell. “So now what?”

“We wait for things to get worse.” Jaheira sighed.

and they don't have to wait long

Slowly the figure pushed back his hood. “Montaron, at last I have found you.” Kivan said.

...
...
...
...
Oh god, The pervert Kivan

pervy halfling fancier

“Oh for the love of the Gods!” Montaron exclaimed. He turned his face up to the ceiling and shouted, “The Scarabs, I’ll take the scarabs.”

Don't blame him.

to late...the scarabs were booked solid for a month

Kivan sighed. ”Yes, I understand, hamsters before pleasure.”

great line.

sort fo sums up the whole theme of Baldur's Gate doesn't it?

I should warn you I have evil plans for all the characters…especially the heroic noble and stoic ones….hope you aren’t a Keldorn fan

*bounces excitedly* Bring it on! Keldorn always needs to be taken down a notch or two. I do hope that you will include Anomen in your evil plans as well.

I should warn you I have evil plans for all the characters…especially the heroic noble and stoic ones….hope you aren’t a Keldorn fan

*bounces excitedly* Bring it on! Keldorn always needs to be taken down a notch or two. I do hope that you will include Anomen in your evil plans as well.

Well…to tell the truth…Anomen is almost too easy a target

Jaheira was quietly and repetitively pounding her head against the cold, damp, stone wall of the dungeon cell they were imprisoned in. “Yes Xzar, we know. We were all there.”

Poor Jaheira, I hope she’s not getting a hemorrhage or something!

“Xzar we marched over untold miles of wilderness put up with attacks from winter wolves, stray gnolls, stupid bridge guarding ogres and misplaced polar bears,” Ajantis said ticking off the encounters they had over the last several days. “I have on idea just what that bear was doing this far south…or why it wanted to kill that foppish man.. .who was wandering, alone, in monster infested wilderness….”

Hey, that random encounter table can be pretty screwy at times… have heard stories of encountering an ice snake in a tropical forest…

Kagain stopped his pacing long enough to glare at Xzar. “His version didn’t last nine hours.”

“Mine was far more detailed and I spent time developing the characters and sub-plots.”

What sub-plots… the entire rescue of the damsel in distress is a damn subplot.

“Exactly how old are you Minsc?”

“Minsc is 46, why do you ask?”

…riiight.

“If you were a doctor then you would be loosing patients instead of gerbils,” Montaron mumbled.

I really don’t want to imagine Minsc as a doctor.

“Yes you do. What a leader you are. Trying to get us to focus, not on the negatives of our situation, but the positives.” Xzar gave Khalid a friendly punch in the arm.

Hmm, positives… I guess it takes a special mind to see positives in their current predicament.

Jaheira had gone as pale as a sheet. “Don’t you see you fool? Things can ALWAYS get worse. And when you say something like that can’t get worse…”

Yes, yes, we all know what is going to happen… well, except Xzar, obviously.

“How?” Xzar looked at each of his companions in turn. “Please enlighten me as to just how things could be worse than they are right now.”

I thought you wanted to focus on the positives.

Montaron glared at him. “I could loose my last finger hold on sanity and kill the lot of you with my bare hands…doing so in reverse alphabetical order.”

Xzar ruffled Montaron’s perpetually untidy hair. “Oh, as if you would ever harm me.”

I would not be so certain…

Slowly the figure pushed back his hood. “Montaron, at last I have found you.” Kivan said.

Ah well, Monty will be happy to see him, at least.

“Oh for the love of the Gods!” Montaron exclaimed. He turned his face up to the ceiling and shouted, “The Scarabs, I’ll take the scarabs.”

See, things could get worse… for you.

“Really? A date?” Kivan asked looking a bit misty eyed. “You missed me too didn’t you? I knew you did.”

Of course he did… he never stopped thinking about you.

“He has t…talked of little else but you since our l…last encounter.” Khalid said. “Isn’t that r…right Ajantis?”

The Paladin looked stunned for a moment then managed to say. “Well…technically that is true.”

Oh yes, very much so. We won’t repeat what he said, but the fact remains!

Xzar nodded, “Yes a date. Right after we rescue our friends charge and his hamster. It’s a prior commitment. You understand don’t you?”

Kivan sighed. ”Yes, I understand, hamsters before pleasure.”

At least he is not perverted enough to combine the two.

Jaheira was quietly and repetitively pounding her head against the cold, damp, stone wall of the dungeon cell they were imprisoned in. “Yes Xzar, we know. We were all there.”

Poor Jaheira, I hope she’s not getting a hemorrhage or something!

Don’t fret. She will be around to the bitter end

“Xzar we marched over untold miles of wilderness put up with attacks from winter wolves, stray gnolls, stupid bridge guarding ogres and misplaced polar bears,” Ajantis said ticking off the encounters they had over the last several days. “I have on idea just what that bear was doing this far south…or why it wanted to kill that foppish man.. .who was wandering, alone, in monster infested wilderness….”

Hey, that random encounter table can be pretty screwy at times… have heard stories of encountering an ice snake in a tropical forest…

tell me about it

Kagain stopped his pacing long enough to glare at Xzar. “His version didn’t last nine hours.”

“Mine was far more detailed and I spent time developing the characters and sub-plots.”

What sub-plots… the entire rescue of the damsel in distress is a damn subplot.

well exactly

“Exactly how old are you Minsc?”

“Minsc is 46, why do you ask?”

…riiight.

Minsc doesn’t shave his head. its male pattern baldness

“If you were a doctor then you would be loosing patients instead of gerbils,” Montaron mumbled.

I really don’t want to imagine Minsc as a doctor.

Well…I can….but then I work with doctors every day…

“Yes you do. What a leader you are. Trying to get us to focus, not on the negatives of our situation, but the positives.” Xzar gave Khalid a friendly punch in the arm.

Hmm, positives… I guess it takes a special mind to see positives in their current predicament.

special...right

Jaheira had gone as pale as a sheet. “Don’t you see you fool? Things can ALWAYS get worse. And when you say something like that can’t get worse…”

Yes, yes, we all know what is going to happen… well, except Xzar, obviously.

well we know something horrible will happen….just not how horrible

“How?” Xzar looked at each of his companions in turn. “Please enlighten me as to just how things could be worse than they are right now.”

I thought you wanted to focus on the positives.

Don't quibble

Montaron glared at him. “I could loose my last finger hold on sanity and kill the lot of you with my bare hands…doing so in reverse alphabetical order.”

Xzar ruffled Montaron’s perpetually untidy hair. “Oh, as if you would ever harm me.”

I would not be so certain…

na...he would never hurt his mealticket

Slowly the figure pushed back his hood. “Montaron, at last I have found you.” Kivan said.

Ah well, Monty will be happy to see him, at least.

happy?

“Oh for the love of the Gods!” Montaron exclaimed. He turned his face up to the ceiling and shouted, “The Scarabs, I’ll take the scarabs.”

See, things could get worse… for you.

You know…originally I had no idea what to do with Kivan…

“Really? A date?” Kivan asked looking a bit misty eyed. “You missed me too didn’t you? I knew you did.”

Of course he did… he never stopped thinking about you.

and you know what that means

“He has t…talked of little else but you since our l…last encounter.” Khalid said. “Isn’t that r…right Ajantis?”

The Paladin looked stunned for a moment then managed to say. “Well…technically that is true.”

Oh yes, very much so. We won’t repeat what he said, but the fact remains!

hey...truth is truth

Xzar nodded, “Yes a date. Right after we rescue our friends charge and his hamster. It’s a prior commitment. You understand don’t you?”

Kivan sighed. ”Yes, I understand, hamsters before pleasure.”

At least he is not perverted enough to combine the two.

and we wont go there at all.