Destiny’s Foster Child : 17

Can You Describe this Mercenary
Or
My Body, My Hamster




“And that’s how I learned goats really don’t like to wear pants.”

Ajantis looked exactly like Jaheira did when she was developing one of her headaches. “My, that was quite a lesson Xzar.”

Xzar pondered if he should care about the pained look on Ajantis’ face then he decided against feeling empathic and continued with his story. “Don’t I know it. Fortunately all the pants I had made up for the goats were by some coincidence the exact size and style Montaron wears.”

“The mud is exceptionally tenuous this morning.” Ajantis said still looking pained. With great concentration, Ajantis tugged on his left leg and the mud of the main street which was threatening to consume his entire leg. The mud suddenly relented with a loud wet slurping sound. He knew better than to complain however, no matter how difficult a time he was having, it paled when compared to Kagain and Montaron. Those two were suffering is stoic silence as they shuffled through the mud. Both had loudly rejected the suggestion that they be carried across the mud road citing their fragile dignity as well as the wear and tear their weapons would receive in killing the party members who dared to try to carry them.

Slow going or not, the party soon reached their goal of the other side of the street. “Oh you have returned!” An extremely fat man dashed up the muddy street toward the party. Unlike the adventurers the mud was not slowing his progress, in fact he seemed to be almost floating above the swamp like boulevard. “Did you find the thief Tonquin?”

“Excuse me?” Jaheira said in confusion.

The fat man hardly seemed to notice her puzzlement. “Have you recovered the stolen emeralds? Well I am sure you did. It’s been two days and a mercenary with your reputation must have succeeded in the mission.” He proffered a fat bag of coins at the party. “Here is your reward.”

Khalid held up his hands. “T…thank you, but I’m sure we have n…never met

“Oh dear!” The fat man looked startled. “You are not Greywolf are you?”

Montaron slogged forward in the mud. “If you hand me that gold, I’ll consider changing my name.”

Jaheira didn’t even bother to glare at Montaron, she was saving it all for the fat man. “How in the world could you mistake an entire group of people for a single mercenary you hired two days ago?”

The fat man shook his head apologetically. “It’s the hair. Graywolf was similarly well coifed. Look, I am sorry for the mistake. I can only assume that Graywolf has failed in his mission. Maybe he is dead, maybe he got caught up in the carnival.”

“There is a carnival?” Ajantis asked.

The fat man and the rest of the party all pointed at the massive billboard they were standing in front of. It announced in large and faded letter that a grand carnival was taking place just outside of Nashkel.

Xzar pointed at the placard. “Look Monty, the great Gazib is performing! Oh, do say we can go.”

“Yes it is quite a show,” the fat man said dreamily. “As to Graywolf, since he has failed to capture the thief Tonquin, I would like to offer you the job.”

Xzar sighed and slogged away towards the relative dryness of an abandoned lot. Ajantis followed. “Aren’t you interested in the side quest?”

Xzar gave a dismissive wave. “Jaheira will get the details. She is so good at that sort of thing. You know Ajantis, I sometimes wonder how anything in this world gets done. So many people just seem to be sitting around waiting for a handsome adventurer to come round and solve their problems.”

“Well that is how things get done. They wait for people just like us to do their tasks and solve their problems. Otherwise adventurers would have nothing to do.”

“Dear boy, I never know if talking to you makes me feel better or worse.” An expression surprise and shock crossed the wizard’s face. “By the Gods!...this must be how everyone else feels when talking to me.” Xzar pondered for a moment. “I don’t know why Monty complains about it so...it isn’t that bad.”

Ajantis was saved from having to respond to that by the sudden appearance of a large warrior in full plate armor. “Stand and deliver!’” The warrior bellowed as he marched directly towards Ajantis. He was a good head taller than Ajantis, bald and with a striking purple facial tattoo.

“Careful Xzar,” Ajantis whispered. “This could be trouble.”

“Oh I do hope so!” Xzar said.

The huge warrior stopped unnervingly close to Ajantis and regarded him for a moment with a scowl. “Hold very still, so that my hamster.” At this point the warrior’s fist shot forward showing it held a rather pudgy brown hamster. “Can have better look at you.” With that, the warrior began moving the hamster back and forth in front of Ajantis while making beeping sounds.

“Xzar…” Ajantis said quietly. “I’m…I’m…”

“Being scanned by a rodent. Yes I see. I hope your health insurance covers this.”

“I belong to an HMO…Holy Muttering Organization.”

“Isn’t that restrictive?” Xzar asked.

“No I can get emergency healing at any good or neutral deity’s temple. Of course purely cosmetic procedures like limb reattachment or liposuction can only be done by pre-approved clerics.”

The bald warriors face tightened in concentration and his hamster mad a high pitched squeak. The bald man began muttering, “Lawful. Pretentious. Myopic. Pompous. 74% chance of being follow of Helm.”

“Well you got that right!”

“What is going on here?” Jaheira asked as she and the rest of the party approached.

“Hamster scan.” Xzar tersely replied.

“Lucky so and so,” Kagain muttered as he glared at Ajantis. "Some of us need pre-approval for everything."

“I’ve h…heard about these,” Khalid said.” But I th…thought they used cats.”

The hamster gave another squeak. The warrior broke out into a sweat. “Questionable dex score.”

“Don’t remind me,” Ajantis began. “I always had some trouble coordinating things. Two years in Mrs. Deblarski’s dance class and I could never get out of the chorus. Weak ankles you know.”

The hamster squeaked. The warrior droned on, “Overly pious. Not terribly bright. Hobbies: Feeling superior, saving maidens, smiting evil, shining bits of armor, laundry.” The warrior stopped and looked at Ajantis with some awe. “Boo suspects you are a Paladin.”

“Well I am a paladin.”

“Wait. Let Boo diagnose that for himself.” The warrior leaned in closely and said, “He needs the practice.”

The warrior returned to concentrating. He hummed loudly and pointed the hamster directly at Ajantis’ codpiece. “Clean, silk, pink. Hmmm…ruffles. 98.4% chance of being a Paladin.”

Ajantis looked troubled. “Pink? Ruffles? I don’t know what you are talking about.”

More squeaking form the hamster. “Tag that reads ‘property of Radiant heart’ and back side embroidered with ‘spank me.’ 99.8% chance of being a Paladin”

Ajantis tugged at his color. “They were a …a joke gift from….my fellow squires…yes.”

The hamster squeaked one last time. “Well worn.” The bald warrior translated

“Stop that!” Ajantis said glaring at the hamster

Jaheira frowned. “I must agree, please stop it. And not just because I have no interesting anyone’s undergarments.”

Xzar leaned into speak in Ajantis’ ear. “She says that…but don’t believe it for a second.”

The bald warrior straitened and addressed the party. “I am Minsc, warrior of Rasheman in the udder east.”

“Wait don’t tell me….the land of milk and honey.” Xzar said.

“Milk and cookies…but Minsc thinks you are close enough. You must be truly brave and honorable people to travel with a Paladin .”

“That be one way of looking at it,” Montaron said with a smirk.

“Boo and I need your help. My witch Dynaheir has been kidnapped by foul doggie people and they took her east to their evil kennel.”

“Boo….?” Khalid asked.

Minsc shoved his hamster into Khalid’s face. There were two small squeaks of surprise, one from Khalid and one from the rather distressed hamster that Minsc was tightly clutching in his fist. Khalid and the hamster regarded each other for a moment, it was difficult to tell who was more disturbed by the encounter. “Boo is my friend and companion ever since…ever since, well since always. He knows everything and helps me when I forget important things like basic math and bovine dentistry. Boo is one of the few miniature giant space hamster in the Realms! I am disburdened that one who claims to be good does not immediately recognize one of the fabled giant miniatures.”

“I am s…sure the n….number of them are l…limited.”

“Boo is concerned that you are all not honorable people fighting in the cause of good.” Minsc glared at Khalid who, for his part, had broken out in a sweat. “So…ARE you?”

“Y…Yes?”

“Squeek!”

“Boo begs to differ.” Minsc bellowed

“Well…” Khalid tugged his collar, it had grown frightfully tight.

“We fight in the case of good enough,” Xzar said. “And that should be good enough.”

“Minsc scrunched his face up in concentration and after dome moments nodded in agreement. “I agree. Good is good and enough is enough. So...will you travel with me and Boo to rescue my poor Dynaheir form the smelly clutches of the doggie men? They have big weapons and bad breath but I know together we can kick canine patooties up and down the sword coast.”

“Doggie people?” Montaron muttered aloud.

“He means gnoles, Kagain said. “Nasty things. They fight in packs and no matter how many you kill, if you turn your back more will just sort of pop up. They don’t decorate with a lick and no sense of good music.”

Jaheira frowned. “Gnolls can be dangerous opponents, especially in their own fortress. Their numbers may overwhelm us.”

Xzar sighed. “Oh come now Jaheira, How many gnolls could there possibly be?”

Ajantis looked exactly like Jaheira did when she was developing one of her headaches. “My, that was quite a lesson Xzar.”

Poor Jaheira, that headache is starting to become permanent.

“The mud is exceptionally tenuous this morning.” Ajantis said still looking pained. With great concentration, Ajantis tugged on his left leg and the mud of the main street which was threatening to consume his entire leg. The mud suddenly relented with a loud wet slurping sound. He knew better than to complain however, no matter how difficult a time he was having, it paled when compared to Kagain and Montaron. Those two were suffering is stoic silence as they shuffled through the mud. Both had loudly rejected the suggestion that they be carried across the mud road citing their fragile dignity as well as the wear and tear their weapons would receive in killing the party members who dared to try to carry them.

The mud seems to be serving its purpose very efficiently.

Jaheira didn’t even bother to glare at Montaron, she was saving it all for the fat man. “How in the world could you mistake an entire group of people for a single mercenary you hired two days ago?”

Just the perfect man you want to be in charge of giving out bounty hunting tasks, yes?

Xzar gave a dismissive wave. “Jaheira will get the details. She is so good at that sort of thing. You know Ajantis, I sometimes wonder how anything in this world gets done. So many people just seem to be sitting around waiting for a handsome adventurer to come round and solve their problems.”

Just like in Real Life!

Ajantis was saved from having to respond to that by the sudden appearance of a large warrior in full plate armor. “Stand and deliver!’” The warrior bellowed as he marched directly towards Ajantis. He was a good head taller than Ajantis, bald and with a striking purple facial tattoo.

Ah, hello Minsc… we can always count on you to bring more insanity to this already wacky story.

The huge warrior stopped unnervingly close to Ajantis and regarded him for a moment with a scowl. “Hold very still, so that my hamster.” At this point the warrior’s fist shot forward showing it held a rather pudgy brown hamster. “Can have better look at you.” With that, the warrior began moving the hamster back and forth in front of Ajantis while making beeping sounds.

Good thing he didn’t go for Xzar with the hamster scan.

The bald warriors face tightened in concentration and his hamster mad a high pitched squeak. The bald man began muttering, “Lawful. Pretentious. Myopic. Pompous. 74% chance of being follow of Helm.”

Only 74%?

The hamster squeaked. The warrior droned on, “Overly pious. Not terribly bright. Hobbies: Feeling superior, saving maidens, smiting evil, shining bits of armor, laundry.” The warrior stopped and looked at Ajantis with some awe. “Boo suspects you are a Paladin.”

Yeah, those were all class features he listed.

The warrior returned to concentrating. He hummed loudly and pointed the hamster directly at Ajantis’ codpiece. “Clean, silk, pink. Hmmm…ruffles. 98.4% chance of being a Paladin.”

*snickers* Textbook paladin, indeed.

Ajantis tugged at his color. “They were a …a joke gift from….my fellow squires…yes.”

The hamster squeaked one last time. “Well worn.” The bald warrior translated

So very cruelly busted.

“Milk and cookies…but Minsc thinks you are close enough. You must be truly brave and honorable people to travel with a Paladin .”

Mostly patient, I would say…

“Boo is concerned that you are all not honorable people fighting in the cause of good.” Minsc glared at Khalid who, for his part, had broken out in a sweat. “So…ARE you?”

Well, it’s not Khalid you should be hamster scanning.

“He means gnoles, Kagain said. “Nasty things. They fight in packs and no matter how many you kill, if you turn your back more will just sort of pop
up. ”

Much like kobolds, really.

Xzar sighed. “Oh come now Jaheira, How many gnolls could there possibly be?”

Only a few?

“How in the world could you mistake an entire group of people for a single mercenary you hired two days ago?”

I always wondered about that

The bald man began muttering, “Lawful. Pretentious. Myopic. Pompous. 74% chance of being follow of Helm.”

I thought Helm was supposed to see everything and not need glasses?

More squeaking form the hamster. “Tag that reads ‘property of Radiant heart’ and back side embroidered with ‘spank me.’ 99.8% chance of being a Paladin”

"Spank. Me.""

The bald warrior straitened and addressed the party. “I am Minsc, warrior of Rasheman in the udder east.”

Udder chaos?

You must be truly brave and honorable people to travel with a Paladin .”

“That be one way of looking at it,” Montaron said with a smirk.

“Minsc scrunched his face up in concentration and after dome moments nodded in agreement. “I agree. Good is good and enough is enough.

There's a quintessential Minsc quote!

Xzar sighed. “Oh come now Jaheira, How many gnolls could there possibly be?”

You really, really don't want to know...

Ajantis looked exactly like Jaheira did when she was developing one of her headaches. “My, that was quite a lesson Xzar.”

Poor Jaheira, that headache is starting to become permanent.

It’s proximity triggers. The closer to Xzar…the worse the headache

“The mud is exceptionally tenuous this morning.” Ajantis said still looking pained. With great concentration, Ajantis tugged on his left leg and the mud of the main street which was threatening to consume his entire leg. The mud suddenly relented with a loud wet slurping sound. He knew better than to complain however, no matter how difficult a time he was having, it paled when compared to Kagain and Montaron. Those two were suffering is stoic silence as they shuffled through the mud. Both had loudly rejected the suggestion that they be carried across the mud road citing their fragile dignity as well as the wear and tear their weapons would receive in killing the party members who dared to try to carry them.

The mud seems to be serving its purpose very efficiently.

But only on the members of our party…no one else seems bothered by it

Jaheira didn’t even bother to glare at Montaron, she was saving it all for the fat man. “How in the world could you mistake an entire group of people for a single mercenary you hired two days ago?”

Just the perfect man you want to be in charge of giving out bounty hunting tasks, yes?

I assume he is some relative of his Most High and Magnificent Poobah Berrun (I’m to sexy for my shirt) Ghastkill

Xzar gave a dismissive wave. “Jaheira will get the details. She is so good at that sort of thing. You know Ajantis, I sometimes wonder how anything in this world gets done. So many people just seem to be sitting around waiting for a handsome adventurer to come round and solve their problems.”

Just like in Real Life!

Sad but true

Ajantis was saved from having to respond to that by the sudden appearance of a large warrior in full plate armor. “Stand and deliver!’” The warrior bellowed as he marched directly towards Ajantis. He was a good head taller than Ajantis, bald and with a striking purple facial tattoo.

Ah, hello Minsc… we can always count on you to bring more insanity to this already wacky story.

Actually he will be the voice of reason.


*snicker*

The huge warrior stopped unnervingly close to Ajantis and regarded him for a moment with a scowl. “Hold very still, so that my hamster.” At this point the warrior’s fist shot forward showing it held a rather pudgy brown hamster. “Can have better look at you.” With that, the warrior began moving the hamster back and forth in front of Ajantis while making beeping sounds.

Good thing he didn’t go for Xzar with the hamster scan.

Yes Xzar medical insures would never have covered it

The bald warriors face tightened in concentration and his hamster mad a high pitched squeak. The bald man began muttering, “Lawful. Pretentious. Myopic. Pompous. 74% chance of being follow of Helm.”

Only 74%?

18 % chance of Torm
3 % chance of Tyr

The hamster squeaked. The warrior droned on, “Overly pious. Not terribly bright. Hobbies: Feeling superior, saving maidens, smiting evil, shining bits of armor, laundry.” The warrior stopped and looked at Ajantis with some awe. “Boo suspects you are a Paladin.”

Yeah, those were all class features he listed.

All except the rod….but that is technically not a class feature…just a perk

The warrior returned to concentrating. He hummed loudly and pointed the hamster directly at Ajantis’ codpiece. “Clean, silk, pink. Hmmm…ruffles. 98.4% chance of being a Paladin.”

*snickers* Textbook paladin, indeed.

Just imagine what I have in store for poor Keldorn

Ajantis tugged at his color. “They were a …a joke gift from….my fellow squires…yes.”

The hamster squeaked one last time. “Well worn.” The bald warrior translated

So very cruelly busted.

You can’t hide from the all knowing eyes of Boo

“Milk and cookies…but Minsc thinks you are close enough. You must be truly brave and honorable people to travel with a Paladin .”

Mostly patient, I would say…

oh its not that bad

“Boo is concerned that you are all not honorable people fighting in the cause of good.” Minsc glared at Khalid who, for his part, had broken out in a sweat. “So…ARE you?”

Well, it’s not Khalid you should be hamster scanning.

you never know…there is something shifty about Khalid

“He means gnoles, Kagain said. “Nasty things. They fight in packs and no matter how many you kill, if you turn your back more will just sort of pop
up. ”

Much like kobolds, really.

This is why Bob Barker used to remind us daily to have our kobolds and gnolls spayed and neutered

Xzar sighed. “Oh come now Jaheira, How many gnolls could there possibly be?”

Only a few?

few hundred maybe

“How in the world could you mistake an entire group of people for a single mercenary you hired two days ago?”

I always wondered about that

Nearsighted?

The bald man began muttering, “Lawful. Pretentious. Myopic. Pompous. 74% chance of being follow of Helm.”

I thought Helm was supposed to see everything and not need glasses?

Helm may see all...his followers have trouble seeing past their own noses

More squeaking form the hamster. “Tag that reads ‘property of Radiant heart’ and back side embroidered with ‘spank me.’ 99.8% chance of being a Paladin”

"Spank. Me.""

Careful what you ask for

The bald warrior straitened and addressed the party. “I am Minsc, warrior of Rasheman in the udder east.”

Udder chaos?

That would be utter chaos

“Minsc scrunched his face up in concentration and after dome moments nodded in agreement. “I agree. Good is good and enough is enough.

There's a quintessential Minsc quote!

Minsc is my favorite character to write for

Xzar sighed. “Oh come now Jaheira, How many gnolls could there possibly be?”

You really, really don't want to know...

Can you guess the next chapters opening line?

“The mud is exceptionally tenuous this morning.” Ajantis said still looking pained. With great concentration, Ajantis tugged on his left leg and the mud of the main street which was threatening to consume his entire leg. The mud suddenly relented with a loud wet slurping sound. He knew better than to complain however, no matter how difficult a time he was having, it paled when compared to Kagain and Montaron. Those two were suffering is stoic silence as they shuffled through the mud. Both had loudly rejected the suggestion that they be carried across the mud road citing their fragile dignity as well as the wear and tear their weapons would receive in killing the party members who dared to try to carry them.

I bet if they tried really hard, Nashkel could turn that mud into a tourist attraction!

Jaheira didn’t even bother to glare at Montaron, she was saving it all for the fat man. “How in the world could you mistake an entire group of people for a single mercenary you hired two days ago?”

The fat man shook his head apologetically. “It’s the hair. Graywolf was similarly well coifed. Look, I am sorry for the mistake. I can only assume that Graywolf has failed in his mission. Maybe he is dead, maybe he got caught up in the carnival.”

In other words, Graywolf has hair enough for half a dozen men (and Jaheira)?

“There is a carnival?” Ajantis asked.

Yes. There!

“Well that is how things get done. They wait for people just like us to do their tasks and solve their problems. Otherwise adventurers would have nothing to do.”

Can't have an orderly society otherwise!

“Dear boy, I never know if talking to you makes me feel better or worse.” An expression surprise and shock crossed the wizard’s face. “By the Gods!...this must be how everyone else feels when talking to me.” Xzar pondered for a moment. “I don’t know why Monty complains about it so...it isn’t that bad.”

“Xzar…” Ajantis said quietly. “I’m…I’m…”

“Being scanned by a rodent. Yes I see. I hope your health insurance covers this.”

“Hamster scan.” Xzar tersely replied.

“Lucky so and so,” Kagain muttered as he glared at Ajantis. "Some of us need pre-approval for everything."

“I’ve h…heard about these,” Khalid said.” But I th…thought they used cats.”

This gag just gets better and better!

The warrior returned to concentrating. He hummed loudly and pointed the hamster directly at Ajantis’ codpiece. “Clean, silk, pink. Hmmm…ruffles. 98.4% chance of being a Paladin.”

Ajantis looked troubled. “Pink? Ruffles? I don’t know what you are talking about.”

More squeaking form the hamster. “Tag that reads ‘property of Radiant heart’ and back side embroidered with ‘spank me.’ 99.8% chance of being a Paladin”

Ajantis tugged at his color. “They were a …a joke gift from….my fellow squires…yes.”

The hamster squeaked one last time. “Well worn.” The bald warrior translated

*dies*

“We fight in the case of good enough,” Xzar said. “And that should be good enough.”

Er...

“Minsc scrunched his face up in concentration and after dome moments nodded in agreement. “I agree. Good is good and enough is enough. So...will you travel with me and Boo to rescue my poor Dynaheir form the smelly clutches of the doggie men? They have big weapons and bad breath but I know together we can kick canine patooties up and down the sword coast.”

I'm not really surprised that Minsc understood Xzar

Jaheira frowned. “Gnolls can be dangerous opponents, especially in their own fortress. Their numbers may overwhelm us.”

Xzar sighed. “Oh come now Jaheira, How many gnolls could there possibly be?”

Famous Last Words!

“The mud is exceptionally tenuous this morning.” Ajantis said still looking pained. With great concentration, Ajantis tugged on his left leg and the mud of the main street which was threatening to consume his entire leg. The mud suddenly relented with a loud wet slurping sound. He knew better than to complain however, no matter how difficult a time he was having, it paled when compared to Kagain and Montaron. Those two were suffering is stoic silence as they shuffled through the mud. Both had loudly rejected the suggestion that they be carried across the mud road citing their fragile dignity as well as the wear and tear their weapons would receive in killing the party members who dared to try to carry them.

I bet if they tried really hard, Nashkel could turn that mud into a tourist attraction!

and give away their secret defensive weapon???

Jaheira didn’t even bother to glare at Montaron, she was saving it all for the fat man. “How in the world could you mistake an entire group of people for a single mercenary you hired two days ago?”

The fat man shook his head apologetically. “It’s the hair. Graywolf was similarly well coifed. Look, I am sorry for the mistake. I can only assume that Graywolf has failed in his mission. Maybe he is dead, maybe he got caught up in the carnival.”

In other words, Graywolf has hair enough for half a dozen men (and Jaheira)?

Obviously he is a patron of Nashkel’ best beautician/assassin

“There is a carnival?” Ajantis asked.

Yes. There!

Of course we will have to go pay the carnival a visit

“Well that is how things get done. They wait for people just like us to do their tasks and solve their problems. Otherwise adventurers would have nothing to do.”

Can't have an orderly society otherwise!

a very ordered soceity
I imagine pubs and inn’s have a take a number system for those waiting for adventurers

“Dear boy, I never know if talking to you makes me feel better or worse.” An expression surprise and shock crossed the wizard’s face. “By the Gods!...this must be how everyone else feels when talking to me.” Xzar pondered for a moment. “I don’t know why Monty complains about it so...it isn’t that bad.”

i find it quite refreshing

“Xzar…” Ajantis said quietly. “I’m…I’m…”

“Being scanned by a rodent. Yes I see. I hope your health insurance covers this.”

In my mind...I had Boo making the sound of a tri-corder from Star Trek. I just couldn’t get that satisfactorily on paper

“Hamster scan.” Xzar tersely replied.

“Lucky so and so,” Kagain muttered as he glared at Ajantis. "Some of us need pre-approval for everything."

“I’ve h…heard about these,” Khalid said.” But I th…thought they used cats.”

This gag just gets better and better!

As I have often said…I don’t really write these things...i just transcribe as these characters speak their lines

The warrior returned to concentrating. He hummed loudly and pointed the hamster directly at Ajantis’ codpiece. “Clean, silk, pink. Hmmm…ruffles. 98.4% chance of being a Paladin.”

Ajantis looked troubled. “Pink? Ruffles? I don’t know what you are talking about.”

More squeaking form the hamster. “Tag that reads ‘property of Radiant heart’ and back side embroidered with ‘spank me.’ 99.8% chance of being a Paladin”

Ajantis tugged at his color. “They were a …a joke gift from….my fellow squires…yes.”

The hamster squeaked one last time. “Well worn.” The bald warrior translated

*dies*

Don’t die…there’s lots more to the story

“We fight in the case of good enough,” Xzar said. “And that should be good enough.”

Er...

“Minsc scrunched his face up in concentration and after dome moments nodded in agreement. “I agree. Good is good and enough is enough. So...will you travel with me and Boo to rescue my poor Dynaheir form the smelly clutches of the doggie men? They have big weapons and bad breath but I know together we can kick canine patooties up and down the sword coast.”

I'm not really surprised that Minsc understood Xzar

Reason number one he can’t really hang around this story

Jaheira frowned. “Gnolls can be dangerous opponents, especially in their own fortress. Their numbers may overwhelm us.”

Xzar sighed. “Oh come now Jaheira, How many gnolls could there possibly be?”

Famous Last Words!

indeed

“And that’s how I learned goats really don’t like to wear pants.”

I coulda told you that... this one time, back on the farm...

Er...

Maybe I shouldn't be telling this story in public...

Jaheira didn’t even bother to glare at Montaron, she was saving it all for the fat man. “How in the world could you mistake an entire group of people for a single mercenary you hired two days ago?”

You'd think she'd have learned by now: never underestimate human stupidity.

“By the Gods!...this must be how everyone else feels when talking to me.”

His exceedingly rare moments of clarity are truly frightening.

At this point the warrior’s fist shot forward showing it held a rather pudgy brown hamster.

Omega Boo: "I am -not- pudgy! My programmers just screwed up on my holo-matrix."

“I belong to an HMO…Holy Muttering Organization.”

You're gonna need a referral before that hamster can see you. And God, the copay's gonna be a bitch.

“They were a …a joke gift from….my fellow squires…yes.”

(SNORT.)

Boo is my friend and companion ever since…ever since, well since always. He knows everything and helps me when I forget important things like basic math and bovine dentistry.

Yeah, you know, I studied cow teeth for ten years, and even now, I have trouble figuring out which teeth are the ones they use to chew cud.

Xzar sighed. “Oh come now Jaheira, How many gnolls could there possibly be?”

Well, you're boned. You might not have been before, but the instant you ask that question, you're boned.

“And that’s how I learned goats really don’t like to wear pants.”

I coulda told you that... this one time, back on the farm...

Er...

Maybe I shouldn't be telling this story in public...

just put it up on U-Tube

Jaheira didn’t even bother to glare at Montaron, she was saving it all for the fat man. “How in the world could you mistake an entire group of people for a single mercenary you hired two days ago?”

You'd think she'd have learned by now: never underestimate human stupidity.

some lessons are very difficult to learn

“By the Gods!...this must be how everyone else feels when talking to me.”

His exceedingly rare moments of clarity are truly frightening.

Xzar is always clear...its just that everyone around him and us...well we rarely are

At this point the warrior’s fist shot forward showing it held a rather pudgy brown hamster.

Omega Boo: "I am -not- pudgy! My programmers just screwed up on my holo-matrix."

pudgy

“I belong to an HMO…Holy Muttering Organization.”

You're gonna need a referral before that hamster can see you. And God, the copay's gonna be a bitch.

no its the appeals department that is the real problem

Boo is my friend and companion ever since…ever since, well since always. He knows everything and helps me when I forget important things like basic math and bovine dentistry.

Yeah, you know, I studied cow teeth for ten years, and even now, I have trouble figuring out which teeth are the ones they use to chew cud.

they use their molars...and the real challenge is getting them to floss after every pasture

Xzar sighed. “Oh come now Jaheira, How many gnolls could there possibly be?”

Well, you're boned. You might not have been before, but the instant you ask that question, you're boned.

there are worse things to say you know

Tune in next time for an example