Destiny’s Foster Child : 8

No Experience Necessary
or
Pride of the Valkyries


The address in the paper led them to a street just off the town square and a storefront named the ‘Crimson Pompadour’. Entering the shop was an assault on every sense, mostly the sense of smell. The many shelves and cabinets of the shop overflowed with candles, bins of potpourri, oils, bath salts, heavily embroidered throw pillows, tiny porcelain figurines of every imaginable description. The breeze from the open door set off dozens of wind chimes, which in turn prompted dozens of songbirds in gilded cages to begin chirping away.

“What is this place?” Ajantis asked as he staggered towards a display of massage oils.

Within moments everyone was poking about in the maze of shelves. “T…this one smells j…just like my underwear,” Khalid declared holding a pale purple candle under his nose and taking a deeper whiff. He offered it to Garrick who inhaled deeply

Garrick smiled. “Ahh, lavender, you must have just been at the Friendly Arm Inn.”

“Y…yes we w…were.”

“No one does laundry like they do. Not that I have any real complaints about the laundry services at the Feldepost, it is entirely… adequate.”

“But is sure tis nothing to write home about.” Montaron said passing by.

“The laundry service at the Friendly Arm is the best I have ever encountered.” Ajantis said taking the pale purple candle form Garrick so he too could enjoy the subtle lavender scent. “The perfect inn would have the Friendly arm’s laundry services with the Feldepost’s all you can eat breakfast bar.”

Xzar sighed dreamily at the thought, “Clean underwear and all you can eat sausage.”

There was a vigorous nodding of heads in agreement to this. “I would n…never leave. All of a m…man’s needs in one place.”

“Truly. Could paradise itself offer more than that?” Ajantis asked.

"Greetings, I am Kagain, what can I do for you?" They had thought the shop deserted but out from behind the counter came a dwarf. He was dressed in a gold helmet with large gilded bird’s wings on either side. His silver armor chest plate was highly polished but looked as if it were designed for a woman, dangerously large and pointed metal cones stuck out from his chest. He may have been wearing a chain mail shirt designed for a human but it was so long it gave the impression that he was wearing a chain mail skirt.

Jaheira was first to recover her wits. “Excuse me, but are you dressed like a Valkyrie?”

The dwarf glowered. “You want to make something of it?

Jaheira held up her hands in a placating way. “No, no… just wondering,” she said quickly.

“If you must know it’s for an opera. I’m in the Beregost coral society, we’re putting on a production of the Wing Cycle.”

“Don’t you mean the Ring Cycle?” Garrick asked.

“No! If I meant to say the ring cycle, I would have said the ring cycle. Sorry. Didn’t mean to take your head off there, it’s all sort of a sore spot with me, I was up for the role of Broonhilda but that darn fancy pants elf Legolad beat me out for the part… again.” Kagain seemed to pout for a moment, and then he turned to the party, his eyes huge and damp. “Why? What’s wrong with me?”

“I’m afraid I can’t answer that …” Jaheira said all the while thinking about making a break for the store’s front door.

Kagain went on without hearing. “Why does he get the lead and I get stuck in the chorus every time? I can sing and I can act … and I got me a great set of legs.” He reached down to pull up the edge of his chain mail skirt. “Want to see?”

“We believe you!” The group shouted in unison.

Ajantis began whispering to his comrades. “Good friends I believe we are dealing with a true rarity, a female dwarf. Some have speculated that they do not exist at all, as they are so seldom seen. However, they are simply difficult to distinguish from their male counter parts. The beards and all.”

Jaheira nodded thoughtfully at that as Kagain went on reciting his long list of operatic achievements. “That would explain much…or at least provide a more palatable explanation.”

“But how d…do we tell? It would be rude to s…simply ask.”

Xzar nodded sagely, “There is, of course, only one way to find out.”

Ajantis gasped in shock, surprised that Xzar would even bring such an idea up. “You don’t mean?”

“I do mean.” Xzar said as he turned to Montaron. “Monty, you know what you have to do.”

Montaron took a stop back “No way! No I ain’t doing it, and you lot can’t make me.”

“But you are perfectly suited to the task and lets face it, height wise you are already so much closer to the um …let’s just call it the evidence.”

Montaron narrowed his eyes and prepared to make a stand. “I remember he last time you tried to get me to investigate somthin like that. A disaster it was, I swore to never do that again.”

Xzar gave a dismissive wave. “Oh Monty you are over reacting. And I seem to recall after it was all said and done that you didn’t mind a bit.”

“Mind? Being held captive by an amorous and lonely she orc for days. T’was no stroll in the bleedin park.”

“Captive is such a misleading word Monty.”

Montaron turned to the rest of his party for support. “Do you lot have any idea what sort of degrading appetites lonely she orcs have?”

Khalid and Ajantis looked shocked at the thought. Garrick had a far away look in his eyes, “…degrading you say?”

“Oh please Monty. It’s not as if that was the first time you found your self in such a situation.” He turned and gave a knowing nod to the rest of the party. “There are quite a few lonely she orcs in the world. And the only thing that such a creature that likes a handsome young halfling more than a lonely she orc is a ranger.”

“How many times have you been captured by these lonely she orcs?” Garrick asked.

“…36 times,” Montaron grumbled.

Ajantis finally found his voice. “But still I must protest. I mean sneaking a peek under this dwarf’s skirt just to satisfy idle curiosity”

“Heavens above! What are you talking about?” Xzar looked shocked and shaken. “I am aghast at the suggestion. Does your mother know you think such thoughts?”

Montaron looked like he was ready to pass out at the thought. “Peek up a dwarf’s skirt? What…what kind of pervert are you?”

“I am a Paladin good sir.”

Montaron shrugged. “Oh…right…I forgot.”

“But what were you planning if not that?”

“Why I want Monty to pilfer her purse and look at her ID.”

“Anyway if you got a problem with a man who likes to sing you came to the wrong place.” Kagain announced rather loudly to Jaheira.

“Man? Well…that solved that particular mystery.” Xzar said sounding slightly disappointed.

“What is this shop anyway?” Jaheira asked hoping to change the topic.

“It’s not a shop. I manage my family’s mercenary business out of this place. Isn’t it obvious?”

The group stared at the dwarf for a few moments and then did a slow circuit looking around at the many frilly displays. Montaron snatched up basket of scented soaps and facial creams and thrust it towards Kagain.

“You all got something against bloodthirsty mercenaries who take good care of their skin?” Kagain asked.

“… No.”

“So…why are you here?” Kagain asked, his eyes narrowing.

“We are here about your add in the paper.”

“Well you came to the wrong place! I said I wanted a date with someone special, a little romance, maybe a nice dinner…I asked for someone who enjoyed moonlight walks, picnics and the theatre. I didn’t advertise for no group schenanagans, what kind of a dwarf do you think I am?” He looked the group over carefully. “Though, I suppose as a whole you ain’t that bad looking….maybe we could work something out…”

“That is not the add we responded to.”

“Wait,” Garrick rifled through his newspaper. “Are you ‘snuggles 243?’”

“Maybe. What’s it to ya?”

“Oh…nothing.” Garrick began to vigorously cross off a circled advertisement.

Jaheira grabbed the newspaper out of Garrick’s hand. “We came in response to the advertisement for a party of adventurers.”

“Oh...well why didn’t you say so?”

“It wasn’t for lack of trying,” She muttered.

“Well the job is simple enough. A caravan I contracted out guards for has gone missing. Given the situation with bandits on the road that isn’t to surprising. But one of the passengers was the son of some high falutin so and so of Baldur’s gate. And for some reason his parents are upset about his disappearance.”

“I can’t imagine why.”

“Well neither can I. Weird boy that one.”

“Considering the source that is saying something,” Montaron said under his breath

“You know the missing young man?” Jaheira asked.

“Course I knew him. He stopped by here every time he passed through Bereghost. Said this was the only place he could find rose scented hypoallergenic glycerin soap. Which was a bald face lie. Half the mercenary businesses on the coast have supplies of that.”

“They do?” Xzar asked.

“It is common knowledge that most barbarians have sensitive skin,” Jaheira said.

Kagain continued. “I didn’t argue with him though. He paid in gold, even if he did spend a lot of time sniffing everything in sight. Anyway I need a group to travel north with me to hunt for that missing caravan and that idiot mama’s boy.”

An absolutely wonderful chapter to read with my morning coffee *applauses*. Lured out a chuckle or two out of me too. I would have laughed out loud, but work would then assume that I spiked my coffee with something stronger this morning.

Well written; looking forward to your next chapter.

“No one does laundry like they do. Not that I have any real complaints about the laundry services at the Feldepost, it is entirely… adequate.”

“But is sure tis nothing to write home about.” Montaron said passing by.

Seems like Xzar’s underwear obsession has gotten to them all.

"Greetings, I am Kagain, what can I do for you?" They had thought the shop deserted but out from behind the counter came a dwarf. He was dressed in a gold helmet with large gilded bird’s wings on either side. His silver armor chest plate was highly polished but looked as if it were designed for a woman, dangerously large and pointed metal cones stuck out from his chest. He may have been wearing a chain mail shirt designed for a human but it was so long it gave the impression that he was wearing a chain mail skirt.

Jaheira was first to recover her wits. “Excuse me, but are you dressed like a Valkyrie?”

…maybe it’s the latest Dwarven fashion.

“No! If I meant to say the ring cycle, I would have said the ring cycle. Sorry. Didn’t mean to take your head off there, it’s all sort of a sore spot with me, I was up for the role of Broonhilda but that darn fancy pants elf Legolad beat me out for the part… again.” Kagain seemed to pout for a moment, and then he turned to the party, his eyes huge and damp. “Why? What’s wrong with me?”

“I’m afraid I can’t answer that …” Jaheira said all the while thinking about making a break for the store’s front door.

But aren’t you the healer?

“Oh please Monty. It’s not as if that was the first time you found your self in such a situation.” He turned and gave a knowing nod to the rest of the party. “There are quite a few lonely she orcs in the world. And the only thing that such a creature that likes a handsome young halfling more than a lonely she orc is a ranger.”

“How many times have you been captured by these lonely she orcs?” Garrick asked.

“…36 times,” Montaron grumbled.

Still, be happy it wasn’t an ogre.

Ajantis finally found his voice. “But still I must protest. I mean sneaking a peek under this dwarf’s skirt just to satisfy idle curiosity”

“Heavens above! What are you talking about?” Xzar looked shocked and shaken. “I am aghast at the suggestion. Does your mother know you think such thoughts?

Well obviously, he’s a paladin.

Montaron looked like he was ready to pass out at the thought. “Peek up a dwarf’s skirt? What…what kind of pervert are you?”

“I am a Paladin good sir.”

…like I said.

“It’s not a shop. I manage my family’s mercenary business out of this place. Isn’t it obvious?”

Judging by what? The copious amount of lace?

“Wait,” Garrick rifled through his newspaper. “Are you ‘snuggles 243?’”

“Maybe. What’s it to ya?”

“Oh…nothing.” Garrick began to vigorously cross off a circled advertisement.

What, he didn’t meet Garrick’s standards?

“Course I knew him. He stopped by here every time he passed through Bereghost. Said this was the only place he could find rose scented hypoallergenic glycerin soap. Which was a bald face lie. Half the mercenary businesses on the coast have supplies of that.”

“They do?” Xzar asked.

“It is common knowledge that most barbarians have sensitive skin,” Jaheira said.

Yes, they bruise very easily.

An absolutely wonderful chapter to read with my morning coffee *applauses*. Lured out a chuckle or two out of me too. I would have laughed out loud, but work would then assume that I spiked my coffee with something stronger this morning.

Well written; looking forward to your next chapter.

Always glad to be of service.

I don’t know if anyone would think you were spiking your morning coffee…they might think you were enjoying your work…I can see how that would be a problem


thank you for readind and comenting

“No one does laundry like they do. Not that I have any real complaints about the laundry services at the Feldepost, it is entirely… adequate.”

“But is sure tis nothing to write home about.” Montaron said passing by.

Seems like Xzar’s underwear obsession has gotten to them all.

oh just wait...

"Greetings, I am Kagain, what can I do for you?" They had thought the shop deserted but out from behind the counter came a dwarf. He was dressed in a gold helmet with large gilded bird’s wings on either side. His silver armor chest plate was highly polished but looked as if it were designed for a woman, dangerously large and pointed metal cones stuck out from his chest. He may have been wearing a chain mail shirt designed for a human but it was so long it gave the impression that he was wearing a chain mail skirt.

Jaheira was first to recover her wits. “Excuse me, but are you dressed like a Valkyrie?”

…maybe it’s the latest Dwarven fashion.

That would be nature print tunics and open toes shoes

“No! If I meant to say the ring cycle, I would have said the ring cycle. Sorry. Didn’t mean to take your head off there, it’s all sort of a sore spot with me, I was up for the role of Broonhilda but that darn fancy pants elf Legolad beat me out for the part… again.” Kagain seemed to pout for a moment, and then he turned to the party, his eyes huge and damp. “Why? What’s wrong with me?”

“I’m afraid I can’t answer that …” Jaheira said all the while thinking about making a break for the store’s front door.

But aren’t you the healer?

It might be the list is too long for a second level healer to even begin to deal with

“Oh please Monty. It’s not as if that was the first time you found your self in such a situation.” He turned and gave a knowing nod to the rest of the party. “There are quite a few lonely she orcs in the world. And the only thing that such a creature that likes a handsome young halfling more than a lonely she orc is a ranger.”

“How many times have you been captured by these lonely she orcs?” Garrick asked.

“…36 times,” Montaron grumbled.

Still, be happy it wasn’t an ogre.

Well you can always tell female ogres from male ogres

Ajantis finally found his voice. “But still I must protest. I mean sneaking a peek under this dwarf’s skirt just to satisfy idle curiosity”

“Heavens above! What are you talking about?” Xzar looked shocked and shaken. “I am aghast at the suggestion. Does your mother know you think such thoughts?

Well obviously, he’s a paladin.

They aren’t ALL like that…I’m sure one or two exist ….somewhere….who aren’t complete pervs

Montaron looked like he was ready to pass out at the thought. “Peek up a dwarf’s skirt? What…what kind of pervert are you?”

“I am a Paladin good sir.”

…like I said.

aska silly question...get a silly answer

“It’s not a shop. I manage my family’s mercenary business out of this place. Isn’t it obvious?”

Judging by what? The copious amount of lace?

How else do mercenaries decorate? Well some do use satin

“Wait,” Garrick rifled through his newspaper. “Are you ‘snuggles 243?’”

“Maybe. What’s it to ya?”

“Oh…nothing.” Garrick began to vigorously cross off a circled advertisement.

What, he didn’t meet Garrick’s standards?

hey...at least he has standards

“Course I knew him. He stopped by here every time he passed through Bereghost. Said this was the only place he could find rose scented hypoallergenic glycerin soap. Which was a bald face lie. Half the mercenary businesses on the coast have supplies of that.”

“They do?” Xzar asked.

“It is common knowledge that most barbarians have sensitive skin,” Jaheira said.

Yes, they bruise very easily.

Minsc: I have a bad case of armor chafe…ohhh

Garrick smiled. “Ahh, lavender, you must have just been at the Friendly Arm Inn.”

“Y…yes we w…were.”

“No one does laundry like they do. Not that I have any real complaints about the laundry services at the Feldepost, it is entirely… adequate.”

So, the dismissed maid was not the only one capable of such excellence?

“The laundry service at the Friendly Arm is the best I have ever encountered.” Ajantis said taking the pale purple candle form Garrick so he too could enjoy the subtle lavender scent. “The perfect inn would have the Friendly arm’s laundry services with the Feldepost’s all you can eat breakfast bar.”

Xzar sighed dreamily at the thought, “Clean underwear and all you can eat sausage.”

There was a vigorous nodding of heads in agreement to this. “I would n…never leave. All of a m…man’s needs in one place.”

I might not be a man, but I'd happily live quite a while in an inn like that!

"Greetings, I am Kagain, what can I do for you?" They had thought the shop deserted but out from behind the counter came a dwarf. He was dressed in a gold helmet with large gilded bird’s wings on either side. His silver armor chest plate was highly polished but looked as if it were designed for a woman, dangerously large and pointed metal cones stuck out from his chest. He may have been wearing a chain mail shirt designed for a human but it was so long it gave the impression that he was wearing a chain mail skirt.

“If you must know it’s for an opera. I’m in the Beregost coral society, we’re putting on a production of the Wing Cycle.”

Kagain went on without hearing. “Why does he get the lead and I get stuck in the chorus every time? I can sing and I can act … and I got me a great set of legs.” He reached down to pull up the edge of his chain mail skirt. “Want to see?”

“We believe you!” The group shouted in unison.

Ajantis began whispering to his comrades. “Good friends I believe we are dealing with a true rarity, a female dwarf. Some have speculated that they do not exist at all, as they are so seldom seen. However, they are simply difficult to distinguish from their male counter parts. The beards and all.”

Jaheira nodded thoughtfully at that as Kagain went on reciting his long list of operatic achievements. “That would explain much…or at least provide a more palatable explanation.”

That's a great touch! Two great touches, actually: the notion that this Kagain is a female dwarf AND the notion that this Kagain is not a female dwarf

“Oh please Monty. It’s not as if that was the first time you found your self in such a situation.” He turned and gave a knowing nod to the rest of the party. “There are quite a few lonely she orcs in the world. And the only thing that such a creature that likes a handsome young halfling more than a lonely she orc is a ranger.”

Montaron looked like he was ready to pass out at the thought. “Peek up a dwarf’s skirt? What…what kind of pervert are you?”

“I am a Paladin good sir.”

Montaron shrugged. “Oh…right…I forgot.”

“But what were you planning if not that?”

“Why I want Monty to pilfer her purse and look at her ID.”

“Anyway if you got a problem with a man who likes to sing you came to the wrong place.” Kagain announced rather loudly to Jaheira.

“Man? Well…that solved that particular mystery.” Xzar said sounding slightly disappointed.

Aw

“You all got something against bloodthirsty mercenaries who take good care of their skin?” Kagain asked.

Just so you know, I don't think you could have pulled this off with Korgan

“Well you came to the wrong place! I said I wanted a date with someone special, a little romance, maybe a nice dinner…I asked for someone who enjoyed moonlight walks, picnics and the theatre. I didn’t advertise for no group schenanagans, what kind of a dwarf do you think I am?” He looked the group over carefully. “Though, I suppose as a whole you ain’t that bad looking….maybe we could work something out…”

“Wait,” Garrick rifled through his newspaper. “Are you ‘snuggles 243?’”

“Maybe. What’s it to ya?”

“Oh…nothing.” Garrick began to vigorously cross off a circled advertisement.

Ah, the lonely life of a bard

Terrific chapter!

Garrick smiled. “Ahh, lavender, you must have just been at the Friendly Arm Inn.”

“Y…yes we w…were.”

“No one does laundry like they do. Not that I have any real complaints about the laundry services at the Feldepost, it is entirely… adequate.”

So, the dismissed maid was not the only one capable of such excellence?

her firing will have ramifications up and down the sowrd coast

“The laundry service at the Friendly Arm is the best I have ever encountered.” Ajantis said taking the pale purple candle form Garrick so he too could enjoy the subtle lavender scent. “The perfect inn would have the Friendly arm’s laundry services with the Feldepost’s all you can eat breakfast bar.”

Xzar sighed dreamily at the thought, “Clean underwear and all you can eat sausage.”

There was a vigorous nodding of heads in agreement to this. “I would n…never leave. All of a m…man’s needs in one place.”

I might not be a man, but I'd happily live quite a while in an inn like that!

i know i would be happy...hey I'm a simple man with simple needs

Jaheira nodded thoughtfully at that as Kagain went on reciting his long list of operatic achievements. “That would explain much…or at least provide a more palatable explanation.”

That's a great touch! Two great touches, actually: the notion that this Kagain is a female dwarf AND the notion that this Kagain is not a female dwarf

i recenlty reread tolkein...and thought about including it.

“You all got something against bloodthirsty mercenaries who take good care of their skin?” Kagain asked.

Just so you know, I don't think you could have pulled this off with Korgan

oh dont worry...he will be the victium...err...the happy recipinat of something treuly wicked

“Wait,” Garrick rifled through his newspaper. “Are you ‘snuggles 243?’”

“Maybe. What’s it to ya?”

“Oh…nothing.” Garrick began to vigorously cross off a circled advertisement.

Ah, the lonely life of a bard

Terrific chapter!

trying to be a little less lonely i guess

The address in the paper led them to a street just off the town square and a storefront named the ‘Crimson Pompadour’. Entering the shop was an assault on every sense, mostly the sense of smell. The many shelves and cabinets of the shop overflowed with candles, bins of potpourri, oils, bath salts, heavily embroidered throw pillows, tiny porcelain figurines of every imaginable description.

Great. An Age of Aquarius shop?

Within moments everyone was poking about in the maze of shelves. “T…this one smells j…just like my underwear,” Khalid declared holding a pale purple candle under his nose and taking a deeper whiff. He offered it to Garrick who inhaled deeply

Garrick smiled. “Ahh, lavender, you must have just been at the Friendly Arm Inn.”

“Y…yes we w…were.”

Xzar sighed dreamily at the thought, “Clean underwear and all you can eat sausage.”

There was a vigorous nodding of heads in agreement to this. “I would n…never leave. All of a m…man’s needs in one place.”

Kagain seemed to pout for a moment, and then he turned to the party, his eyes huge and damp. “Why? What’s wrong with me?”

Oohhh, where to start...
*brain shuts down at image of Brunhild Kagain*

He reached down to pull up the edge of his chain mail skirt. “Want to see?”

*brain flees and hides*

“How many times have you been captured by these lonely she orcs?” Garrick asked.

“…36 times,” Montaron grumbled.

Oh, ye gods! Then you can't tell me you don't secretly like it!

“I am a Paladin good sir.”

Montaron shrugged. “Oh…right…I forgot.”

Well duh! Looking up skirts must be every young paladin's hidden desire... though I'm sure if it goes as far as dwarven, uh, actors...

“Wait,” Garrick rifled through his newspaper. “Are you ‘snuggles 243?’”

“Maybe. What’s it to ya?”

“Oh…nothing.” Garrick began to vigorously cross off a circled advertisement.

Crap. I'd have liked to see that

“

“It is common knowledge that most barbarians have sensitive skin,” Jaheira said.

They do?

Well, let's see where this goes... I never took the dwarf along, mind you. Annoying little bugger.

The address in the paper led them to a street just off the town square and a storefront named the ‘Crimson Pompadour’. Entering the shop was an assault on every sense, mostly the sense of smell. The many shelves and cabinets of the shop overflowed with candles, bins of potpourri, oils, bath salts, heavily embroidered throw pillows, tiny porcelain figurines of every imaginable description.

Great. An Age of Aquarius shop?

Smells like Nirvana

Within moments everyone was poking about in the maze of shelves. “T…this one smells j…just like my underwear,” Khalid declared holding a pale purple candle under his nose and taking a deeper whiff. He offered it to Garrick who inhaled deeply

Garrick smiled. “Ahh, lavender, you must have just been at the Friendly Arm Inn.”

“Y…yes we w…were.”

lavender oil goes great with any laudry task you may encounter

Xzar sighed dreamily at the thought, “Clean underwear and all you can eat sausage.”

There was a vigorous nodding of heads in agreement to this. “I would n…never leave. All of a m…man’s needs in one place.”

Oh like you wouldn’t be happy with that

Kagain seemed to pout for a moment, and then he turned to the party, his eyes huge and damp. “Why? What’s wrong with me?”

Oohhh, where to start...
*brain shuts down at image of Brunhild Kagain*

now be nice to the axe weilding mercenary

He reached down to pull up the edge of his chain mail skirt. “Want to see?”

*brain flees and hides*

oh come on…your just a little curious…admit it

“How many times have you been captured by these lonely she orcs?” Garrick asked.

“…36 times,” Montaron grumbled.

Oh, ye gods! Then you can't tell me you don't secretly like it!

Montaron: Ye god NEVER!

“I am a Paladin good sir.”

Montaron shrugged. “Oh…right…I forgot.”

Well duh! Looking up skirts must be every young paladin's hidden desire... though I'm sure if it goes as far as dwarven, uh, actors...

At issue is the motive. If your peeing up skirts for some personal kick then you are a pervert and have questionable morals.

If on the other hand you are invading peoples private lives for the greater moral good then you are all right. Or a televangelist

“Wait,” Garrick rifled through his newspaper. “Are you ‘snuggles 243?’”

“Maybe. What’s it to ya?”

“Oh…nothing.” Garrick began to vigorously cross off a circled advertisement.

Crap. I'd have liked to see that

Ah HA! You are a little bit curious

“

“It is common knowledge that most barbarians have sensitive skin,” Jaheira said.

They do?

That wasn’t sweat on Conan. It was massage oil

Well, let's see where this goes... I never took the dwarf along, mind you. Annoying little bugger.

I’m sure they love you too