All alone now

So today was the last day of therapy. I don't know when I'll be able to get an appointment for one on ones. I have to wait for Logistcare to issue me a new pass. If they will. If they don't then it looks like I'm not going to therapy anymore. The old place will only supply me with meds for a month and a half, if I can't find a new doc by then I have to go back to the old place and wait another month to see a doctor. Pretty much it sucks.

I feel more alone than I have in a long time. Mom's spending a lot of time with her friend Sue and now that I can't come over any more I don't know what to do with myself.

It's scary.

I feel pretty much alone now. Everyone has their own life and now I'm just doing nothing.

Did I meantion my plans for Thanksgiving? Well since Aunt El left and couldn't wait three fucking months to go and get her knees done. I have no plans. Well except maybe going down to the Wine and Spirits store and getting a bottle of Black Cherry Vokda and mixing it with some Vanilla coke and drinking that for supper. You know I have a feeling that the rest of the family will get together for the holidays and celebrat and I'll be left out.

Of course I know one cousin, no make that several cousins who would say this is my own fault. I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry before I either get tired of trying to get on their good side or I just fucking give up.

I'm scared you know. Now that I'll be home six days a week that I'll just kill myself out of boredom. I don't want to do that. I really want to see G-gram again. Of course some of my family think I'm going to Hell no matter what and the others think I'll see G-gram in Hell. Why? Some people believe G-gram passively killed herself. I won't say who. And others say she was an evil woman. All I know is I love her with all my heart.

So I'm promising that I'm not going to O.D. on my meds and I won't let this break me. Though I feel really alone. I just wish I had someone to talk to. You all know my cell phone number, it's not that hard to call me, is it?

I'm sorry if I've been a pain in the ass. I know that I've been a bitch. I know that I'll probably go to Hell again. After all, we're already in Hell. That what I keep telling myself. This is Hell. When I die someday, I'll go on to something better, that if I don't repeat this all over again.

I just wish someone would call me once and a while. Why is that so hard to ask?

I wish I could do something for you. I barely know you, but I feel helplessly sad to hear all this.