I apologize in advance. Caution: Dark, gross, and language. Critiques/comments welcome.
My daughter Phoenix stands in the middle of a twenty foot area desecrated to Cyric. His symbol is burned into the floor; a jawless dull silver skull with a tarnished black silver sun around it, both outlined in gleaming lines of polished silver. I still think blood tears are much more appropriate than a black sun. Do people really want their god of murder to be that metaphorical? I mean, I can get people to cry tears of blood but can he make the sun raise as a ball of cold blackness? Not going to happen.
She also looks over the four flesh piles on the floor. Flesh piles look like dirty clothes until you look closer. What they are is all the organs, muscles, tendons, skin and the blood being dropped off the newly undead skeleton. Oh, she read that all unnecessary flesh falls away from the skeleton, but reading it and seeing it are two different things.
I really am evil. She marvels. I should be more angry that this man murdered this innocent family in their own home, not merely that I failed.
"The door wasn't forced." She states, as if saying it out loud would inspire the 'proper' emotion. "That indicates that they either hadn't barred it or actually let him in ignorant to what was going to happen." She states. Xzar is in the back of the room, sawing into a long narrow loaf of bread. "There are six bowls of dried porridge on the table, that indicates they started breakfast, but didn't finish it." She states. Xzar crunches into the bread, chewing something that sounds for all the world like gravel. "There are four flesh piles, that means that two people who were here this morning are not here now." She sighs. "Does anyone know when Priests of Cyric pray for their spells? Isn't it nighttime?"
"Moon rise, lass." Montaron smirks. "Thinking about tha 5,000 gold reward, are ye?"
Phoenix laughs darkly. "5,000 gold is beginning to sound pretty nice." She says. "Do you think I'm being foolish, Montaron?"
"Na, lass." Monatron smirks. "Leavin' a tricky, bone stealin' bastard behind ye, that be foolish."
Phoenix smiles. "If we hurry we may be able to catch him before he prays."
Montaron chuckles. "Aim to catch 'im prayin." He smirks. "Don't matter how big an' bad ye are if yer eyes are closed and yer on yer knees."
Bhaal's Youngest: Chapter 62
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Guest_Dadri_*
, Aug 23 2007 02:22 AM
10 replies to this topic
#2
Guest_Cel_*
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Posted 23 August 2007 - 03:36 PM
[quote name="Dadri"]
[quote]
My daughter Phoenix stands in the middle of a twenty foot area desecrated to Cyric. [/quote]
Desecrated? That is such a great way to put it!
[quote] His symbol is burned into the floor; a jawless dull silver skull with a tarnished black silver sun around it, both outlined in gleaming lines of polished silver. I still think blood tears are much more appropriate than a black sun. Do people really want their god of murder to be that metaphorical? I mean, I can get people to cry tears of blood but can he make the sun raise as a ball of cold blackness? Not going to happen.
[/quote]
He sounds like such a petulant child, here. "My decor is better than his!"
[quote]
She also looks over the four flesh piles on the floor. Flesh piles look like dirty clothes until you look closer. What they are is all the organs, muscles, tendons, skin and the blood being dropped off the newly undead skeleton. Oh, she read that all unnecessary flesh falls away from the skeleton, but reading it and seeing it are two different things.
[/quote]
[quote]
I really am evil. She marvels. I should be more angry that this man murdered this innocent family in their own home, not merely that I failed.
[/quote]
She is still growing up; she's still being formed a lot by her experiences. And she's hardly having warm cuddly experiences these days
[quote]
Montaron chuckles. "Aim to catch 'im prayin." He smirks. "Don't matter how big an' bad ye are if yer eyes are closed and yer on yer knees."[/quote]
If that is how Cyricists pray, that is
Great chapter; you write grisly stuff very well!
[quote]
My daughter Phoenix stands in the middle of a twenty foot area desecrated to Cyric. [/quote]
Desecrated? That is such a great way to put it!
[quote] His symbol is burned into the floor; a jawless dull silver skull with a tarnished black silver sun around it, both outlined in gleaming lines of polished silver. I still think blood tears are much more appropriate than a black sun. Do people really want their god of murder to be that metaphorical? I mean, I can get people to cry tears of blood but can he make the sun raise as a ball of cold blackness? Not going to happen.
[/quote]
He sounds like such a petulant child, here. "My decor is better than his!"
[quote]
She also looks over the four flesh piles on the floor. Flesh piles look like dirty clothes until you look closer. What they are is all the organs, muscles, tendons, skin and the blood being dropped off the newly undead skeleton. Oh, she read that all unnecessary flesh falls away from the skeleton, but reading it and seeing it are two different things.
[/quote]
[quote]
I really am evil. She marvels. I should be more angry that this man murdered this innocent family in their own home, not merely that I failed.
[/quote]
She is still growing up; she's still being formed a lot by her experiences. And she's hardly having warm cuddly experiences these days
[quote]
Montaron chuckles. "Aim to catch 'im prayin." He smirks. "Don't matter how big an' bad ye are if yer eyes are closed and yer on yer knees."[/quote]
If that is how Cyricists pray, that is
Great chapter; you write grisly stuff very well!
#3
Guest_Dadri_*
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Posted 24 August 2007 - 01:04 AM
Desecrated? That is such a great way to put it!
I'm pretty sure that if it's a good god it's consecrated and for an evil god it's desecrated.
He sounds like such a petulant child, here. "My decor is better than his!"
Yeah, I know. Personally, I think the tears are lame, but Bhaal is pretty single minded about what makes one scary. After all, he's the one with the spike-o-mania idea of terror.
That was why the apology in advance.
She is still growing up; she's still being formed a lot by her experiences. And she's hardly having warm cuddly experiences these days
Unfortunately, that is the case.
If that is how Cyricists pray, that is.
I would imagine a lot of begging and pleading and buttering up evil deities with promises of spreading terror and creating havoc are involved. Oh, and other gifts. Oh, and all of that is just so they don't kill you. More if you want spells.
Great chapter; you write grisly stuff very well!
Thank you!
#5
Guest_Silver_*
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Posted 24 August 2007 - 02:56 AM
I liked it. You write Montaron well. I didn't see anything that needed an apology, but then I'm used to reading grisly stuff, so very little has an impact on me any more. Still haven't decided whether that is good or bad. 
I think I'll read the back chapters of this. Phoenix seems interesting.
I think I'll read the back chapters of this. Phoenix seems interesting.
#6
Guest_Dadri_*
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Posted 24 August 2007 - 03:22 AM
I loved it. Didn't see any reason to apologize. Of course that's me. Where's Xzar? Did I miss something?
Thank you. (I guess if you've read this far into the story, you're used to my being graphic about corpses).
You're right, Xzar is being quiet isn't he? I guess since I rewrote this a few times I never did put him back in...lol.
#7
Guest_Dadri_*
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Posted 24 August 2007 - 03:31 AM
I liked it. You write Montaron well. I didn't see anything that needed an apology, but then I'm used to reading grisly stuff, so very little has an impact on me any more. Still haven't decided whether that is good or bad.
I am the same way. I only throw in warnings because the first couple of times I casually beheaded people and um, did other violent things in stories that could be called...graphic? I was advised I should put up a warning. Half the time I'm not even sure if the warnings are strong enough or overdoing it.
I think I'll read the back chapters of this. Phoenix seems interesting.
Thank you. By the way, Bhaal is a little...different in my version, but I'm pretty certain you can tell that already.
#8
Guest_Ananke_*
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Posted 24 August 2007 - 06:05 AM
What for? The brevity, I guess?I apologize in advance.
The curse of the literal-minded.I still think blood tears are much more appropriate than a black sun. Do people really want their god of murder to be that metaphorical? I mean, I can get people to cry tears of blood but can he make the sun raise as a ball of cold blackness? Not going to happen.
Heh. I have no idea how to snip this bit, but I think you know that I love CSI: Baldur's Gate. You're turning this into CSI: Baldur's Gate, and I love it."The door wasn't forced." She states, as if saying it out loud would inspire the 'proper' emotion.
Now, how about a li'l bit of insight into formal police/detective/forensics work from that Halruaan? Is it very, very long until Phoenix meets him?
#9
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Posted 24 August 2007 - 03:10 PM
What for? The brevity, I guess?
Lol! You're right, for me, this is practically a poem, it's so short.
The curse of the literal-minded.
Yup.
Heh. I have no idea how to snip this bit, but I think you know that I love CSI: Baldur's Gate. You're turning this into CSI: Baldur's Gate, and I love it.
lol! Well, it's annoyed me that the house is empty when you get there, it's fireplace is still burning, candles all over the place, you know they were here, but it's as if they were killed suddenly and you never find out what happened to them. But the skeletons have to come from somewhere, right?
Now, how about a li'l bit of insight into formal police/detective/forensics work from that Halruaan? Is it very, very long until Phoenix meets him?
The next chapter is his.
She'll meet him before she sees Sarevok again. It is going to take a little while. After all, there is a mission he has to complete first. Thanks for reading! (And expressing interest!)
#10
Laufey
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Transcendant
Posted 03 September 2007 - 04:49 PM
I apologize in advance. Caution: Dark, gross, and language. Critiques/comments welcome.
My daughter Phoenix stands in the middle of a twenty foot area desecrated to Cyric. His symbol is burned into the floor; a jawless dull silver skull with a tarnished black silver sun around it, both outlined in gleaming lines of polished silver. I still think blood tears are much more appropriate than a black sun. Do people really want their god of murder to be that metaphorical? I mean, I can get people to cry tears of blood but can he make the sun raise as a ball of cold blackness? Not going to happen.
Heh, I love Bhaal being all snippy about his replacement here.
She also looks over the four flesh piles on the floor. Flesh piles look like dirty clothes until you look closer. What they are is all the organs, muscles, tendons, skin and the blood being dropped off the newly undead skeleton. Oh, she read that all unnecessary flesh falls away from the skeleton, but reading it and seeing it are two different things.
Oh yuck. Never thought about it, but of course it makes sense.
Montaron chuckles. "Aim to catch 'im prayin." He smirks. "Don't matter how big an' bad ye are if yer eyes are closed and yer on yer knees."
Heh, he's quite right there.
Rogues do it from behind.
#11
Guest_Dadri_*
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Posted 04 September 2007 - 07:25 AM
Heh, I love Bhaal being all snippy about his replacement here.
Thanks!
Oh yuck. Never thought about it, but of course it makes sense.
For the longest time, I just thought the magic dissolved everything but the skeleton, then I played a necromancer in D&D. Nope, it's worse than banana peals, laying on the ground.
Heh, he's quite right there.
Thanks for reading & commenting!
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