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Bhaal's Youngest: Chapter 56


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#1 Guest_Dadri_*

Posted 02 March 2007 - 11:54 PM

Ok, I know this one is slightly creepy. Apologies in advance. Critiques, comments welcome.

My daughter is collecting sticks. It is her evening to cook. The sinking sun sends tree shadows across the landscape, cutting the land into shadow and light sharply. Phoenix smiles faintly, grabbing up the gnarled, twisted wood, thinking about which bones they would resemble most if they were bones instead of just branches. She thinks about what she has heard about putting the bones together to make skeletons and zombies. She hopes to study with Xzar later tonight. She has the spells of the new spell book to trade with him.

"Will you allow company, Xelda?" Xzar asks, smiling.

"Certainly, Xzar." Phoenix says, "I've actually been wanting to talk to you." She's been so tempted to just let him think she is his Xelda forever, because it's easier, and she likes the way he treats her, but she hasn't earned it. Has she lost her mind? Alone? Sure, let's tell the lunatic that you aren't the person he thinks you are while your all by yourself with hands full of sticks. Where is her good sense now? Just let the lunatic think what he wants and knife him already.

Xzar giggles and twirls a brown curl around a long thin finger. "Yes, my Xelda?" Personally, this rather girlie gesture scares me. Who does he think she is? And what the hells is he planning on doing with her?

She pauses. "My name...it's Phoenix." She says, bracing herself, eyes focused on his face. His green eyes and his lips both are smiling, the black tattoos around his mouth make the smile look larger than any normal smile could ever be. She waits, but his expression doesn't change.

"Surely that isn't all you wanted to discuss?" He asks, smile never faltering, as though she'd mentioned the weather when he was hoping to talk about something philosophical.

"You...aren't upset?" She says, waiting for some kind of random interjection of emotion.

"Of course not, my Xelda, I could never be mad at you." He grins and pats her on the back.

Her mouth hangs open in disbelief. "But my name isn't Xelda." She insists. "It's Phoenix."

"But you are my Xelda." He assures her, as though it were some great truth. "I don't mind if your name happens to be Phoenix, just understand that you are my Xelda, and there will not be demons in the tea." He assures her with a smile. "Not to worry, we'll make them dance on their own graves for what they did, Xelda, you'll see."

#2 Guest_Ananke_*

Posted 03 March 2007 - 07:27 PM

Phoenix smiles faintly, grabbing up the gnarled, twisted wood, thinking about which bones they would resemble most if they were bones instead of just branches.

Mostly femurs, tibias and other long bones, I presume...?
I think I've just spoilt the effect for myself, here. :roll:

But really, Phoenix, bones are not in any way like branches. Not twisted and gnarled at all. Unless they are diseased, somehow, and that's what you meant... :shock:

Just let the lunatic think what he wants and knife him already!!!

OK... That's just a personal opinion, but I think that this sentence would work much better without the exclamation marks.

Personally, this rather girlie gesture scares me. Who does he think she is? And what the hells is he planning on doing with her?

Bhaal the Protective Father. A Scared Protective Father. :roll: Thank you for the image! :lol:

I adored Xzar's (non)sense in this chapter... I think that you're writing him very well! And that last paragraph... yeah. Obsessive deluded stalker stuff... For the majority of the chapter, it sounds funny (especially with Bhaal's Protective Daddy routine :(), but the last paragraph is creepy.

#3 Guest_Dadri_*

Posted 03 March 2007 - 10:29 PM

Mostly femurs, tibias and other long bones, I presume...?
I think I've just spoilt the effect for myself, here.


Yeah, pretty much, although here and there a knobby part on a branch could remind her of a ball joint, and various small twigs could resemble meta carpus. A not so straight branch that had more curve in it could look like one of the rib bones. I understand that only some kind of crazy mad freak occurrence could make a branch look anything like a pelvis. :shock:

But really, Phoenix, bones are not in any way like branches. Not twisted and gnarled at all. Unless they are diseased, somehow, and that's what you meant...


She was comparing over all shapes, but a broken branch that's insides had been hollowed by ants could easily resemble a bone who's marrow had been hollowed out. I understand that she won't be making a stick skeleton model anytime soon :roll: But I wanted to show you that she's using her imagination.

OK... That's just a personal opinion, but I think that this sentence would work much better without the exclamation marks.


Ok. Fair enough. :lol:

Bhaal the Protective Father. A Scared Protective Father. Thank you for the image!


Thank you. It's one of the images that makes this whole story fun to write. :( Well, he's pretty sure that this is the only child that can help him. Anything that's going to kill her or change her personality is going to doom him or make him work harder. He'd kill Xzar right now if he could, just to be on the safe side. :roll:

I adored Xzar's (non)sense in this chapter... I think that you're writing him very well! And that last paragraph... yeah. Obsessive deluded stalker stuff... For the majority of the chapter, it sounds funny (especially with Bhaal's Protective Daddy routine), but the last paragraph is creepy.


Cool, then I didn't just completely lose him in this chapter. I was kind of worried that he wouldn't sound right. Thanks for commenting!

#4 Guest_Cel_*

Posted 04 March 2007 - 02:58 PM

My daughter is collecting sticks. It is her evening to cook. The sinking sun sends tree shadows across the landscape, cutting the land into shadow and light sharply. Phoenix smiles faintly, grabbing up the gnarled, twisted wood, thinking about which bones they would resemble most if they were bones instead of just branches. She thinks about what she has heard about putting the bones together to make skeletons and zombies. She hopes to study with Xzar later tonight. She has the spells of the new spell book to trade with him.


You're right, that is creepy (both comparing the sticks to bones, and hoping to study with Xzar :shock: )

Xzar giggles and twirls a brown curl around a long thin finger. "Yes, my Xelda?" Personally, this rather girlie gesture scares me. Who does he think she is? And what the hells is he planning on doing with her?


One wonders if Xzar would be impressed to know he scares a (dead) deity :roll:

"But you are my Xelda." He assures her, as though it were some great truth. "I don't mind if your name happens to be Phoenix, just understand that you are my Xelda, and there will not be demons in the tea." He assures her with a smile. "Not to worry, we'll make them dance on their own graves for what they did, Xelda, you'll see."


I can see this making sense. Just don't ask me how :roll:

#5 Guest_Dadri_*

Posted 04 March 2007 - 05:04 PM

You're right, that is creepy (both comparing the sticks to bones, and hoping to study with Xzar)


:D

One wonders if Xzar would be impressed to know he scares a (dead) deity.


He'd probably be thrilled. ;)

I can see this making sense. Just don't ask me how


To Xzar, it makes sense. Phoenix is quite confused. :D

#6 Guest_Scavenger_*

Posted 05 March 2007 - 03:04 PM

Ok, I know this one is slightly creepy. Apologies in advance. Critiques, comments welcome.

I love creepy stuff ;) And, well, Phoenix is inherenlty creepy anyway. As well as Xzar.

My daughter is collecting sticks. It is her evening to cook. The sinking sun sends tree shadows across the landscape, cutting the land into shadow and light sharply. Phoenix smiles faintly, grabbing up the gnarled, twisted wood, thinking about which bones they would resemble most if they were bones instead of just branches. She thinks about what she has heard about putting the bones together to make skeletons and zombies. She hopes to study with Xzar later tonight. She has the spells of the new spell book to trade with him.

Somehow I doubt that she is capable of creating undead already. But she seems to be devoted to her profession :D. I'd say that seeing bones in branches is kind of occupational disease.

"Certainly, Xzar." Phoenix says, "I've actually been wanting to talk to you." She's been so tempted to just let him think she is his Xelda forever, because it's easier, and she likes the way he treats her, but she hasn't earned it. Has she lost her mind? Alone? Sure, let's tell the lunatic that you aren't the person he thinks you are while your all by yourself with hands full of sticks. Where is her good sense now? Just let the lunatic think what he wants and knife him already.

Subtle difference between neutral and evil mindsets... Not that I pay too much attention to alignment stuff, but good comparison. But Bhaal is right, such revelation ought to be made in the presence of nearby guards, Khalid and Jaheira. Just several days later.

"But you are my Xelda." He assures her, as though it were some great truth. "I don't mind if your name happens to be Phoenix, just understand that you are my Xelda, and there will not be demons in the tea." He assures her with a smile. "Not to worry, we'll make them dance on their own graves for what they did, Xelda, you'll see."


You know, while this part is slightly creepy, to me it seems to be mostly sad. Who was this original, now most likely dead Xelda anyway? Xzar's daughter? Little sister?

#7 Guest_Dadri_*

Posted 06 March 2007 - 01:33 AM

I love creepy stuff And, well, Phoenix is inherenlty creepy anyway. As well as Xzar.


Cool ;)

Somehow I doubt that she is capable of creating undead already. But she seems to be devoted to her profession. I'd say that seeing bones in branches is kind of occupational disease.


She can't make undead yet. She's daydreaming about being able to in the future. She's looking forward to it. She's looking on the bright side of a boring job by reviewing information she read about assembling bodies.

Subtle difference between neutral and evil mindsets... Not that I pay too much attention to alignment stuff, but good comparison. But Bhaal is right, such revelation ought to be made in the presence of nearby guards, Khalid and Jaheira. Just several days later.


Well, Phoenix is very sensible in most respects, but she still slips up and does things on occasion that most people wouldn't. After all, she has a high wisdom for a child, but even people with high wisdom can convince themselves that something might not turn out as bad as they think.

You know, while this part is slightly creepy, to me it seems to be mostly sad. Who was this original, now most likely dead Xelda anyway? Xzar's daughter? Little sister?


I don't think I want to give that away, I want there to be some secrets that come out over their travels, after all. ;) Keep reading, you'll find out. But I agree, it is sad. Let's just say that few people choose to be insane. :twisted:

Thank you for commenting!




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