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Valygar and the Quest for the Holy Demon Heart (silly)


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#1 Weyoun

Posted 10 September 2006 - 12:38 AM

Whoops, finally got this just finished before the end of the quiz. This valygar story takes place in the Tnt universe, some years after he left off with the sphere to travel across the planes. Warning, this story is filled to the brim with references and is not to be taken seriously on any time of the day. :D

Valygar and the Quest for the Holy Demon Heart.

 
Valygar was not having a good day at all. First of all, his travels had led him to a strange place called the Sigil... which wasn't all that bad in itself, but breaking through the exceptionally strong dimensional barriers surrounding this strange ring-shaped plane had completely depleted the Demon Heart powering his sphere.

The sphere had set down in the slums of this strange place, and Valygar had been exploring for a few hours. So far, he didn't really like this place. There were no trees anywhere in sight, the air was permeated by the black arid smoke of industry in the upper ward, filth and litter was everywhere and prostitutes hawked their bodies on every streetcorner.

In fact, almost the entire population of the lower ward seemed to be consisting of prostitutes. He wondered how that came about... and who they were exactly hawking their bodies to. Valygar paused for a moment to wipe the sweat of his brow. He looked up to see the artificial sun on the spire of the planes above, and saw the city ring around the spire, a magnificent view of the other wards of this eternally changing city.

"It's only a model," one of the prostitutes, a short red-haired tiefling with long horns shrugged.

"That's a model?"

"Yep," the prostitute replied. "It's fake. Just look over there, see? You can see the black isle logo on the spire over there."

"Oh, yes... hm, wait a minute, if that spire is fake, how's this city still spinning around it."

"It's a model too. ILM really outdid itself. Now, hunk o'man, how'd you like to check out the black isle logo on my butt? Got some copper to spare for a good time?" the prostitute fingered her horns suggestively.

Valygar didn't want to be overly rude, but didn't want to seem to open to her offer anyway. "Tell you want. I'll give your coppers, but all you have to do is to tell me when I can find the King of The Undercity."

"Him?!" the tiefling seemed a little offended, but still gladly took the money. "What do you want to see him for? Hey, are those two coconut halves?"

"Cheapest rental horse," a slightly embarrassed Valygar shrugged. "So do you know where he is?"

"Over there, over the bridge. Just thrust some junk in the archway and step to the portal to Ragpicker Square, you can't miss it."

"Thank you, miss, you have a nice day,"

"I can make your day much nicer. You already paid for your time, sugar."

"Another time, perhaps," Valygar replied and ran off, a little quicker than he would have liked.

A few moments later, a rather satisfied looking Sensate stepped out of the small 'workspace', followed by the prostitute's collegue.

"No luck?" she asked.

"Nope, but I did get paid," the tiefling prostitute grinned. "Gay," the pride-wounded tiefling told herself.

"He looks new to this part of town."

"How so?"

"He ain't covered with shit!"

---

To the way down from the portal into the king's chamber, he was pick-pocketed no less than 64 times. Oddly enough, he had exactly 64 gold coins before he left and he was pick-pocketed by 64 identical siblings, it seemed.

But nothing could compare him to the sight he would see in the King's den. The king sat, or rather, floated, above a throne surrounded by velvet pillows. A floating skull being fanned by naked female zombies, at that. Immediately, Valygar unseathed his katana and prepared for a fight to the death.

"Most foul undead demi-lich," Valygar complained. "You shall not use your vile magics on me without a fight"

The female zombies shouted 'EEK' and scurried to safetly, while the floating skull looked at him with an apparent smirk on his face.

"Demi-lich? I wish..." the skull replied. Just as Valygar planned a retort, an even stranger created stepped from the shadow. It was a mechanical creature, but if it was a golem, he'd never seen any other like it. The creature resembled a box with six nimble limbs. Two sets of arms, one set of legs, two crossbows and two legs, finished by a large face on one side of the box.

"I, Nordom," it proclaimed. "Attention : stranger. Equation Morte and Demi-lich. Recitation: Demi-liches are evolved forms of liches, undead magic users. Due to the difficulty of wizard-to-lich transformation, there is a 10000-to-1 wizard to lich ratio. Concurrently, there is a 1000-to-1 lich to demi-lich ratio due to the nature of the magics evolved. Conclusion: current wizard-lich-demilich ratio is 10000000-to-1000-to-1 ratio. Likelyhood of a demi-lich presence in Sigil without the interventions of the Lady of Pain : 100%. Likelyhood of a demi-lich presence in Sigil with current Lady of Pain interventions : 0.0016%. Addenum : Comparison of demi-lich and Morte. Observation: absence of jeweled teeth. Absence of jeweled eyes. Absence of magical abilities. Does float, however. Conclusion: Though Morte has passing resemblence to the average demi-lich, there is only a 23.3 % commonality present."

"In other words," Morte snorted. "Myth busted, and you're an ignorant berk. Now, do you want something else than just slicing me in ribbons?"

"I need a demon heart," Valygar replied. "I was told you could provide one."

"Tall order, berk," Morte replied briefly. "But if it helps me getting that sphere out of the mortuary, I'm up for it."

"Do you own the mortuary?" Valygar asked.

"Nope," Morte said. "Don't even mind the dusties... but your sphere did squash some of my loviest undead girls, and that can't keep going on. Now, my lovely assistant here will tell you where to find a demon."

"Attention : Valygar," Nordom piped up. "A demon of sufficient level is required. A glabrezu of high rank can currently be found inside the lower ward's primary beverage dispencing establishment."

"Excellent, I will go find him now and then I'll get my sphere out of your hair... uh, Nordom, why are your crossbows twitching?"

"They are gearspirits. They are inquiring as to when they get to shoot you."

"Try to hit him in the ass, you polygon."

---

And so Valygar left the den before his ass would be turned into a pin-cushion by a crazy robot. Unfortunately, he also ran into a group of troubadours who had the nasty tendancy to follow around.

"...He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Valygar!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Valygar!

His skull smashed in and his stomach ripped out
And his liver removed and his arse unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his kidneys squashed and tongue run over
And his navel slashed and his feet seared off
And his fingers stepped on and his toes bitten off
And his wrists slighty charred and his teeth all pulled
And his pen..."

"LOOK!" Valygar turned out. "Will you just GO AWAY!"

The troubadours looked at each other and then walked away with a huff.

"Phillistine!" one of them yelled back and threw a rotten apple right in his face. Just as Valygar turned around the corner, he spotted the tavern. He could see that the bar's previous name 'The Smoldering Corpse' had been crudlely overwritten with the new name 'The Skumm Bar'.

When Valygar stepped inside, it was as if he had entered another world. The inside of the bar was completely pirate themed, and aside from the strange denizens of this plane, the place was littered with pirates, complete with parrots, pegs and oversized hats. Pictures of ships and sailing memoribilia hung from the walls, while soft jolly reggae created the perfect atmosphere.

While Valygar started towards the bar, he bumped into something. Looking down, he saw a diminuative black Abishai staring back at him with murder in his eyes.

"Helllooooo!" snarled the scaly lizard. "Do ye not 'ave eyes, you blind Byopian chickenrat?"

"Whine not, demon," Valygar replied. "You barely look hurt."

"Demon?! DEMON?! I am not a demon, you product of goat-fornication! I wave my tail in your general direction, you fart-sniffing donkey-tail!"

Valygar crossed his arms, his patience quickly waning. "If you're not a demon, what are you?"

"I'm a DEVIL! Why do you think I speak with this outrageous accent, you silly primer! You can wipe my bottom, you son of a silly person! No go away or I shall taunt you a second time!" the Abishai said, after patting his head and making a rude noise.

Valygar shrugged and went to the bar. He found his intended target sitting at the bar, staring into his barrel of grog. He was a huge Glabrezu, twice as tall as usual for his kind. His muscular features sported two sets of arms, one pair with hands, one pair with pincers. His wolf-like face was set in a depressed state as he sniffed into his drink.

Valygar doubted his ability to actually fight this creature, but his thoughts were interrupted when the bartender piped up.

"Oy, matey," the short, rounded piratey bartended said. "Name's Cheese. Ignatius Cheese. What kind of grog can I explode your stomach with."

"Near-grog please. I still have to fly a planar sphere later. I already accidentally destroyed one magical academy the last time I got really drunk. It was called Hog-something, I believe. Not that I mind, really, but filling out the insurance paper is such a pain," Valygar shrugged.

"Gotcha," Cheese replied. "One near-grog coming right up."

"What's up with him?" Valygar asked, pointing to the Glabrezu.

"Oh, that's Hoarsz. Harmless, really. He's a mite depressed, though."

"How come?"

"See that little black Abishai toad over there?"

"I ran into him earlier. A real charmer."

"We call him Frog, for obvious reasons," Cheese said. "Demons and devils don't mix, so these two have been at each other's throats. They've both been coming in here every day for the last 200 years, competing with each other every each way through games. They play at least one game every day and poor Hoarsz has lost each and every singles one of those games for the last 200 years."

"You're kidding," Valygar replied.

"Nope," Cheese said. "They've played chess, checkers, yathzee, ring-toss, running laps, pushing old ladies into traffic, see-how-much-custard-you-can-fit-in-your-underpants-competitions, old mail, gin-rummy, strip-poker, liar's dice, impregnante-the-Drow-priestess, locust-juggling... you name it, they've played it. And Frog always wins."

"That's rather pathetic, actually," Valygar replied.

"The worst thing is that ole Hoarsz could simply turn Frog into a basketball and slam-dunk him into the wall if he wanted to. Problem is, he can't do anything to Frog because the Lady of Pain has forbidden the Blood War to enter the Sigil."

"That's tough," Valygar said and turned to Hoarsz. "Demon?"

"Leave me alone," Hoarsz snipped. "I'm being broody and sulky."

"So, I heard about Frog... Can't say I like the little lickspittle myself. He's rude and obnoxious. He could be a lovechild of a certain gnome and a certain dwarf I once knew... with a little Drow I once knew added to the mix."

"I'll tell you what the worst thing is," Hoarsz replied, and Valygar almost fainted when the wiff of grog came from the demon's mouth. "You know, devils are like 'Ho-hum, I'm all tight-arsed and shit. Evil by the rules.' I mean, when a baatezu walks into a room, he has to stand all hunched because his ass is so tight. Hell, they can only take a dump once every 1000 years. Now, Tanar'ri, on the other hands... we's laid-back and cool mofo's. We move with rhythm and style," he said, emulating a funky walking pattern. "We've got chaos things goin' on. And we jump like experts! Everybody knows Baatezu boys can't jump!"

"I need a demon heart for my sphere," Valygar replied.

"I'm using mine. Get another one," Hoarsz replied.

"Hmm, wait a minute. Let's make a deal here," Valygar tried. "How about I try to help you win a game against Frog. In return for that, I want a demon heart."

"Deal!" Hoarsz said quickly, shoving his grog aside with a pincer and drenching three characters of low moral fiber (pirates). "You help me win, I get you yer heart!"

---

Though Valygar had high hopes, they were soon dashed. He had figured that Frog was simply very good at games, and that he merely needed to coach and boost Hoarsz confidence to win. But quickly, Valygar had found out that Frog had below average gaming skills. Frog wasn't brilliant at all... it was Hoarsz who sucked at gaming in a way that Valygar had never seen before. In fact, most of the time, Hoarsz managed to disqualify himself before Frog had ever come to play.

Valygar had tried an array of pubgames to begin with. After Cheese had gotten out the traditional yard-glasses for the yard-of-ale contest, Hoarsz had disqualified himself by accidentally skewering an innocent bystander with the long, pointed glass and spilling the ale.

Billiards didn't work either: the cue was shattered inside Hoarsz's terrible pincers, and the table collapsed when he leaned on it. It didn't help either that Frog kept throwing the balls at Valygar's head.

Shove ha'penny didn't work either. Hoarsz shoved the wooden discs over the board which such force that he had managed to decapitate a waitress.

Toad in the Hole didn't work out as well either. Hoarsz's coins kept missing the center hole, so a frustrated Glabrezu picked up the board and smashed it over Valygar's head.

When Valygar woke up from his wood-to-head induced two-day coma, he tried another angle. A game from the prime: darts. Though the outsiders didn't quite understand how this game worked. Valygar had hung up the board and before he could explain what the object of the game was, Hoarsz had already grabbed a pirate and smashed him against the dartboard. After Valygar had pried the unconscious man from the board, he noticed that several shards of bone from his nose and forehead were actually stuck in the bull's eye. This would be promising.

But try as he might, he could not convince the two creatures to throw the darts at the board. Instead, they threw the darts at Valygar. Several painful tips were already imbedded in his leather and skin, while he pleaded with the creatures to stop. Unfortunately, they were too busy playing to heed him notice. Frog was hitting well, but Hoarsz fortunately, had hands too big to throw properly and with finesse.

Valygar thought for a moment, and then it hit him... literally, because a dart hit him right in the forehead.

"NEW GAME!" Valygar shouted while Frog prepared his pitch. "Don't hit Valygar!" he shouted before Frog's dart hit him in the chest... while Hoarsz' dart missed by a mile and imbedded itself in somebody's tankard.

Silence.

"I won," Hoarsz whispered.

"Ey?" Frog snarled. "You change the rules, you foreign pig-dog! You cannot change the game in the middle of a game. I protest!"

"I won! IwonIwonIwonIwon! I won and you lost!"

"Sod off, you great big aunt of a motherless hairy goat-buttock! I wave my private parts at you, you overgrown sheepdog!"

"I won! I won!" Hoarsz started to sing. "Weeeee arrrrre the champions... my fr-eh-hen-iend. Weeee'll keep on fiiiiiiiiiighting till the eeeeeeend."

"Shut up, you ravenous bottom-feeder! I wipe my nose at you, you silly rhubarb fed tick-sucker!"

"We aaaaaaaaaare the champions. We aaaaaaaaaaare the champions. No time for losers 'cause we are the champions," Hoarsz took a deep breath. "ooooooooof theeeeeeee muuuulttttiiivvveeeersseeeeeeeee!"

"BAH!" Frog snarled. "It's not according to the rules, you pig-dog! Baatezu everywhere are cheated by this private-partless silly prime-ranger! What worldshattering insanity will be next? Miko takin' Belkar's place in the OOTS?"

"Ahum," Valygar coughed. "Demon heart, Hoarsz?"

"Oh, yes," Hoarsz grinned, having gained move confidence. He clawed at a passing Nabassu and ripped its still beating heart from its chest. The Nabassu dropped like a dead stone, while Hoarsz shoved the pulsating mass of muscle and black blood into Valygar's hands.

"Uh... Eh-thanks," Valygar gulped when he felt the gore writhe and slither through his fingers.

"RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGH!" snarled Frog and jumped on Hoarsz' back, clawing at him. And before Valygar knew it, a massive barfight had broken out.

"RUN AWAY!" Valygar shouted and ran out the door, heart in hand. Looking over his shoulder, he saw an ominious flying lady headed towards the skumm bar. "Let's not go back to the Sigil," he told himself. "It is a silly place."

As he ran back towards the sphere, heart still in hand, the troubadours he had encountered earlier started following him around again.

"When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled."

"No!" Valygar replied.

"Yes, brave Sir Valygar turned about...

"I didn't!"

"...And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,"

"All lies!"

"He beat a very brave retreat."

"I never!"
 

Pubgames : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pub_games
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#2 Guest_Cel_*

Posted 10 September 2006 - 06:17 AM

Faerun should look so much better after this trip :twisted:

#3 Guest_AlphaMonkey_*

Posted 11 September 2006 - 12:56 AM

Warning, this story is filled to the brim with references and is not to be taken seriously on any time of the day.


I never take your work seriously, anyway. :lol:

"It's a model too. ILM really outdid itself. Now, hunk o'man, how'd you like to check out the black isle logo on my butt? Got some copper to spare for a good time?" the prostitute fingered her horns suggestively.


Never saw anything like that the last time -I- was in Sigil.

"What do you want to see him for? Hey, are those two coconut halves?"

"Cheapest rental horse," a slightly embarrassed Valygar shrugged.


Ok... Holy Grail reference?

But nothing could compare him to the sight he would see in the King's den. The king sat, or rather, floated, above a throne surrounded by velvet pillows. A floating skull being fanned by naked female zombies, at that. Immediately, Valygar unseathed his katana and prepared for a fight to the death.


Now -he's- the chief. :lol:

"In other words," Morte snorted. "Myth busted, and you're an ignorant berk. Now, do you want something else than just slicing me in ribbons?"


I vote myth plausible. Revisit! I'm sending Adam pissed-off E-mail! :D

"...He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Valygar!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Valygar!


He doesn't make much of a Sir Robin. :D

'The Skumm Bar'.


And how long until it gets bought out again and gets renamed to The Lua Bar?

Why do you think I speak with this outrageous accent, you silly primer!


Because you're French?

"Name's Cheese. Ignatius Cheese. What kind of grog can I explode your stomach with."


Wait a minute... your name is I. Cheese?

Aye.

Cheese?

Aye.

It was called Hog-something, I believe.


I care not for the Potter-verse. :D

"I won! I won!" Hoarsz started to sing. "Weeeee arrrrre the champions... my fr-eh-hen-iend. Weeee'll keep on fiiiiiiiiiighting till the eeeeeeend."


You need the Queen. :lol:

What worldshattering insanity will be next? Miko takin' Belkar's place in the OOTS?


I'd like to see -her- get humped by dire badgers. :oops:

"He beat a very brave retreat."

"I never!"


Poor guy. :D

I was hoping for Valygar to be forced to draw a sword in the barfight and say "I'm pretty sure I'm not the one, true king." :D




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