Writing angst

Do any of you ever loathe your writing? I really mean it. Not dislike, or be displeased with it, but really feel visceral loathing at every bungling sentence you manage to write? So that any attempt to write causes a violent burst of self-hate? That, in turn, makes writing so unpleasant that you put it off, but unfortunately you feel guilty for not writing.

I used to be like this as a kid too - that's why I don't have many of my childhood writings (or compositions, or sculptures, or drawings) left. I'd look at them and feel this violent hate and rage, and destroy them. It would come and go.

I thought I'm over it, but now it seems that it has come back. Tough since I should try to learn to earn my living as a writer (hollow laugh).

Do any of you ever loathe your writing? I really mean it. Not dislike, or be displeased with it, but really feel visceral loathing at every bungling sentence you manage to write? So that any attempt to write causes a violent burst of self-hate? That, in turn, makes writing so unpleasant that you put it off, but unfortunately you feel guilty for not writing.

I used to be like this as a kid too - that's why I don't have many of my childhood writings (or compositions, or sculptures, or drawings) left. I'd look at them and feel this violent hate and rage, and destroy them. It would come and go.

I thought I'm over it, but now it seems that it has come back. Tough since I should try to learn to earn my living as a writer (hollow laugh).

What you are going through really isn't that unusual for writers. That's one of the reasons I recommended Absolute Write to you. It helps a lot when you read other people talk about the same things you are going through.

On AW, I've heard people say "I've gone over my manuscript so many times that now I can't stand it". People filled with doubt and apprehension and worry. Any time you are dealing with a creative project, you are going to second-guess yourself.

There have been times with AC that I looked at it and thought, "What the #%$^*& ever made me think I could create a coherent story out of this?" With my new manuscript, I've stared at it and wondered if the best thing I could do is hit Delete on the whole folder of work.

Every stage of writing can be depressing. I'm wrestling with a bit of it right now. Not only because AC has ended, but because it seems to have had little real impact in my life. Several people from my RL who know about AC have given me a 'oh, you finished it? That's nice' response, if they've said anything about it at all. It all adds to the 'does all this hard work mean anything?' feeling that every writer gets.

But everyone who wants and needs to write pushes on. Even when it seems like nobody but you cares what you are working, you keep at it. And just remember, the bad moods pass.

What you are going through really isn't that unusual for writers. That's one of the reasons I recommended Absolute Write to you. It helps a lot when you read other people talk about the same things you are going through.

I guess clinical depression, not an unusual occupational hazard for writers, can play a part.

On AW, I've heard people say "I've gone over my manuscript so many times that now I can't stand it". People filled with doubt and apprehension and worry. Any time you are dealing with a creative project, you are going to second-guess yourself.

Well, there are the Ashley Parsley types who think their creations are the paragon of art and despise all others - but usually the result is as horrible as the types.

There have been times with AC that I looked at it and thought, "What the #%$^*& ever made me think I could create a coherent story out of this?" With my new manuscript, I've stared at it and wondered if the best thing I could do is hit Delete on the whole folder of work.

I went to a writing workshop with my Finnish novel. After that I decided to scrap the whole project. I am a bit unsure since some people I have shown it do think it is quite good, but I think the people in the workshop didn't get it at all the way I had intended. The topic is too personal as it derives much from rl and has me as narrator and protagonist. The only people who would be interested in it would probably be those who like gloomy self-therapy-wank novels (the story is rather angsty even though I tried to give it a darkly humorous spin), and I'd never stoop to write one of those stinkers.

Every stage of writing can be depressing. I'm wrestling with a bit of it right now. Not only because AC has ended, but because it seems to have had little real impact in my life. Several people from my RL who know about AC have given me a 'oh, you finished it? That's nice' response, if they've said anything about it at all. It all adds to the 'does all this hard work mean anything?' feeling that every writer gets.

Well, at least here it was one of the most memorable stories. For myself the fact that my 83 years old grandfather read Makings and Interlude and liked it is reason enough never to regret writing it. I should print out the last part for him (he won't touch computers).

But everyone who wants and needs to write pushes on. Even when it seems like nobody but you cares what you are working, you keep at it. And just remember, the bad moods pass.

I'm probably depressed now so it is hard to see it that way... I fear that I am really not creative, not a writer at heart. That I don't have that genuine need to tell stories, I just try to be a writer because I am incapable of holding a real job, and I admire creative people and hang around them and hope that some of it will rub on me, in vain.

Thanks for comforting me, anyway! (And the link)

We've all got that sometimes, don't worry. I hate all my older work, I dislike my novel in progress, and the only things I like are my more recent Saga chapters.

By September, I'll hate them. Still, in September I'm off to study creative Wriitng at Uni, which will really help. Having feedback every day will help a lot, I think.

I'm probably depressed now so it is hard to see it that way... I fear that I am really not creative, not a writer at heart. That I don't have that genuine need to tell stories, I just try to be a writer because I am incapable of holding a real job, and I admire creative people and hang around them and hope that some of it will rub on me, in vain.

Thanks for comforting me, anyway! (And the link)

Writing, like anything creative, waxes and wains. I don't wake up every single morning, bound out of bed and declare, "I must write today!"

But I look at it this way. You care about the quality of your story. You care about the reader getting a good experience from reading your work. That puts you miles ahead of the people that AW calls "writers engaged in the Author Fantasy Role Playing Game". Those are people far more interested in being able to call themselves writers than actually producing good stories.

You did a good job with your Sarevok stories. You did well with the last part that was completely original and had no plot from the game to lean on. It may take several tries to find another story in you that fires your imagination like Sarevok did, but I have no doubt that you can do it.

It's not uncommon for any artist to look at a work and think of it as utter crap. If you'll pardon the cliche. we -are- our own worst critics.

But there's always something you enjoyed about it, or it wouldn't have been written at all. At the time, something fired your imagination, and that's always a good thing.

In regards to feedback. . . . well, I always remind myself that the first person I'm writing for is -me-. I'm working on Raven's Tale because "I want to tell this story this way, dammit!" and though RL's bogging me down, or I get writer's block, whenever I work things through and come back to it, I have that "Oh, yeah. This is why I'm doing this." Almost no one in RL, even my close friends, have actually read any of it, but I don't mind, as it's first and foremost -my- work and my re-telling.

Most of my work gets edited, re-edited, trashed and recovered. . . but I always try and remind myself that there must have been -something- good in there or I wouldn't have wanted to write it in the first place. *shrug*

I don't know how much that helps. *shrug*

I certainly understand the feeling, that more than sneaking dread that everything you've written is such complete and utter crap that it isn't worth the magnetic storage space that contains it. I've felt that way about a number of projects.

Of course, what tends to get me is not so much the angst but a combination of the fact that I am plagued daily by plot bunnies and a lack of motivation. It sometimes is just so hard to open up that document when there are games to play and watch, things to do, friends to visit and pointless, stupid websites to surf to (and nevermind the ones you actually like)

Ugh... sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get a chapter done.

Then of course, it picks up and boom, there it goes - burning along.

Ugh.

Do any of you ever loathe your writing? I really mean it. Not dislike, or be displeased with it, but really feel visceral loathing at every bungling sentence you manage to write? So that any attempt to write causes a violent burst of self-hate? That, in turn, makes writing so unpleasant that you put it off, but unfortunately you feel guilty for not writing.

Yes, that's exactly it. And by any attempt to write, I'd mean every attempt to write.

Stories? Well, that's a natch. But then there's also writing the reviews or providing feedback. Nothing is as nauseating as trying to provide feedback when every sentence you write sounds stilted, unnatural, insipid, self-important and/or forced (even if you had merely wished to say something along the lines of "good job" or "keep writing"). Personal email messages become...difficult too.

But this is an ebb-and-flow sort of thing, I guess.

Yeah. I get that from time to time. My stepmother burned all of my writing when I was either fifteen or sixteen. She basically told me I was worthless and I'd never do anything with my life. I've burned my own writing nearly a year later having accepted that she was older and wiser than me and that I was just some dumb kid fooling myself.

From time to time I can't write at all. I usually try the trick where I start four or five stories and keep them going as long as I can, and when I'm burned out on one, I switch over to the other, and vice versa, until I'm writing five stories. It doesn't always work.

Right now, I'm about ready to scrap Phoenix and the Dragoness and never go back to them again. But it will pass. Because being stuck means there is more to it. Usually, I get stuck for a while because I think that the story should be more complicated and I haven't thought of anything sufficiently interesting yet. Now don't get me wrong, just because my stories are now strickly on the computer doesn't mean I haven't deleted whole stories before, and it's even easier than burning them. It's only a few buttons....but I've always gone through it, then regretted it....after you burn your only copy of a story, you never get it back. Oh, you can re-write it, but it's not the same.

Though sometimes it's better, because you rebuild it with different words, or a different point of view or some slight variation that your mind likes better. For a while there, I could not write in past tense because it always sounded horrible to me...I could take the same words, put them in present tense and love it, but in past tense it just sounded...well horrible. I think that was my mind getting sick of something that I was doing too much and wanting to try something new...well, newer. But if you burn it/delete it, you can't compare these minor changes to the original for scrutiny, you basically have to start from square one. Also, you'll think back on it and idealize it because you don't have the real one to compare, and then when you compare your current attempt to what you wrote before your current attempt will seem pale by comparison, thus adding more doubt and hate to the mix.


You know those books that say to read everything? Not just good stuff, but bad stuff too? This is why.

If you only read the platinum quality writing, you judge yourself by that standard and that standard alone. You need to read crap for a while. Pick up a book that you know is horrible. Read through it. Yes, at least a chapter or two. It drives the point home.

You may not be the best writer out there, but you're a lot better writer than people that are getting paid for it right now.

Taking a creative writing course is also an eye opener. Even if you loathe every word you write, there are those who struggle to even put together a sentence. Heck, just look at me, I'm no english teacher. Most of mine aren't even sentenses, they are fragments. I talk in fragments in real life, and am surrounded by people who speak in fragments or run on sentenses, so I usually jump between the two.

I used to spend hours editing responses then deleting all but a few sentenses, because really, who's going to take the time to read all this anyway? But you know what? I want to say it, every bit of it, so I'm leaving it like this. Mispellings, fragments and all. If I don't get the idea across, well, at least I tried. *Shrugs* Better than keeping my mouth shut.

Edit: move along, nothing to see here.

I remember at least hating some stuff I had produced when I was very young, but mostly... I think I avoid what you describe by failing pre-emptively, as I do in many other things. I don't loathe what I write because I probably never wrote that bit in the first place. It's so difficult for me to even start I don't tend to get fed up with it. And I need so much inspiration to get started I can't write anything without it. Heck, often I can't or don't even write when I do have the inspiration. I have to start working on that this summer.

Well, I usually don't loath my writing ever - but I always want to re-wrte it all from scratch, to make it more precise. The worst part is when I lose any interest in writing - it all seems just so... pointless somehow. But no, I don't hate it even then, I am indifferent . Maybe this is because I never write for anybody in particular? Just to relief my tension and 'let the story out'.