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Saga of Daie d'Malkin 10- Confusion


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#1 Guest_Daie_*

Posted 23 May 2006 - 03:47 PM

What do I do now?

I’m a fool. She has made her feelings clear, so why did I run?

I know why. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of her feelings. How does she see me? As I see her? I’m unsure.

I love her. That much I know. She is attracted to me. The last hour has shown me that also. But why? Does she feel for me as I for her?
Or is there another reason? Does she only want sex? I pray that is not so. If all she sees in me is my form, it will destroy me.

Still, it would not surprise me. She is Drow. Or is she? Can one change one’s nature? I am sylvan, yet did I attack her on sight? No. Her behaviour is not that of a Drow, her manners too pleasant, her nature too kind. Could this all be a show? Deep down, as she as her black hearted kin?

No. I cannot accept that.

Her actions must speak for themselves, I must leave the motives behind them for a moment. She kissed me. She made the first move. Why? A reward? For the strawberries? For teaching her to swim? For my treatment of her? Do the Drow offer intercourse as a reward. No, I must not think of her as a Drow. Or perhaps I should. Can I trust her, that is the crux of the matter.

My heart says I can.

So, what can I do? She has made the offer. Shall I take it, and lie with her? I don’t think so. She undoubtedly has done this before. I have not. Will she scorn me for this? No, I do not think so.

Another issue. Does she want sex, or a relationship? Will this be a fling, or something more? Even then, why continue? It seems to me there are only three reasons here. Either she feels as I do, she wants a one night stand, or she wants someone to lie with each night. Only the first prospect holds any promise for me. The other two are far more likely though, as she has known me only for a month or two.

What will happen if I lay with her and am then discarded? Will I be able to remain with the company, take orders from her, after such rejection? No, I could not. It would kill me. I would leave, but where then. I would be alone, in unknown territory, without money or equipment. Even if I remain, and become her partner, what will the others think? Minstra and Maron, Skip, Tycho, the soldiers, Dranald even? What will their reaction be? Maron would understand, definitely. Minstra would as well. Skip, Tycho, they would not care. Dranald, the soldiers? I can imagine their reaction. ‘The new boy is screwing the boss’. That I could never live down.

The very idea of being used for sex sickens and repels me, but the prospect of being with her fills me with such longing, and desire. Her face, her body, her manner, her voice. The voice which affects me so. Her husky, sultry tones which can make me shiver.

Enough. I have decided. I am resigned to my fate. Whatever will happen, will happen. I will see her tomorrow night.

I will tell her my feelings, confess to her. Then, shall my fate be decided.

I pray she feels as I do.

Adieu, my diary.

Daie Vanya




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