Minsc's New Witch or Scenes From The Umar Hills (On)

warning: character death

inspired by Minsc's in-game banters with female Edwin - blame bioware.

Features the nether-scroll gender altered Edwin and won't make much sense if you're not familiar with the Umar Hills (Shade Lord) quest.
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Minsc's New Witch
or Scenes From The Umar Hills

Meeting the Mayor

Minister Lloyd: *shrieks* Oh my word, the Drow are attacking! I feel faint. Er ... take my wife and money, but spare me.

Korgan: Arr, quit yer whinin' ye limp-wristed longleg. Do I look like a pansy elf to you?

Minister Lloyd: You're not here to kill me?

Korgan: Wasn't, but I'm thinkin' about it now.

Viconia: No, foolish male. My companions and I are simple adventurers.

Edwina: Speak for yourself, lackwit. Edwina Odesseiron is no common man, er, woman.

Viconia: *kicks Edwina* As I was saying, we heard your village was in dire need of assistance.

Korgan: Aye, pay us an' we'll take care of your little problem.

Edwina: Gold in advance, monkey-leader.

Minister Lloyd: Ah, thank you, but I've already hired the famous knight Mazzy Fentan and her troupe. So we won't need your services. Terribly, terribly sorry.

Korgan: Drat ye, elf. We've come all this way for nothin'!

Edwina: Unless something happens to this Mazzy (an unfortunate meeting with a fireball, perhaps) and she fails in her task.


The Umar Inn, at the table hidden in the shadows

Korgan: Look at th' do-gooder in th' shiny armour. Thinks she's better than us, ye can tell. Probably just do th' job fer free too. Waste o' a good reward.

Viconia: Not a decent looking warrior in the party. Although that big one with the purple tattoo might be good for an hour or two of entertainment.

Edwina: What big one ... erg. (calm, calm, the witch is dead, and the ranger's a moron.)

Korgan: Friend o' yours she-wizard?

Viconia: Oh, now I recognize him. That's the slave of the Rashmani witch. *pokes Edwina in ribs* Didn't you say he chased you out of the Bhaalspawn's party after you insulted his dead witch?

Edwina: He most certainly did not! I refused to consort with the riff-raff that collected around that barbarian fool. It looks like Konk drank a potion of wisdom and finally got the wits to dump Minsc.

Korgan: So, how do you propose we kill them and get on wi' the gold-getting?

Viconia: We don't, you idiot man-thing. We will do nothing to interfere with Mazzy's group.

Korgan: Are ye goin' soft on me, dark one?

Viconia: See if you can follow this, axe-brain. We let them do the fighting ...

Edwina: And then we ambush them on the way back! Hah, bask in the glory that is Edwina Odesseiron. My plan is brilliant. They always are.

Viconia: *growls* Just go bug Minsc.

Edwina: What?

Viconia: Go plant your familiar on Minsc so we can track Mazzy's party.

Edwina: I will not! Poor little Biter will be poisoned by that big oaf's blood.

Viconia: Then put your flea on the hamster, Edwina.


The Umar Inn, at the best table

Mazzy: I don't like the looks of you, woman. You have the stench of evil about you.

Edwina: You're the one who smells like a dung ... er ... that is, I am so happy to meet such famous adventurers as yourselves. (Yes, yes, this horrible female affliction has it's advantages. The perfect disguise.)

Aerie: I..is this woman mad, or drunk?

Minsc: You bear handsome features, though they are familiar, too. Edwin's sister perhaps? Aye, Boo sees the resemblance. You are his superior in your manner though.

Edwina: Aaah! I do not know this Edwin you speak of, but he must be a handsome, charming fellow if he resembles me.

Minsc: He is an evil, evil Red Wizard who will be stomped well and truly by the boots of goodness if I see him.

Edwina: ---

Minsc: Do you like hamsters? Boo likes you.

Edwina: If you do not wish to be the proud owner of a very small rug you will ... *coughs* ... may I hold the cute little fellow?

Minsc: Certainly, pretty lady.

Edwina: *whispers* Yes, just burrow on there Biter. That's a good boy. Ouch! The nasty little, darling, rodent bit me.

Minsc: Boo is sorry, he just wanted to give you a little love bite. Minsc's witch is a healer she could make that better.

Aerie: Do I have to?

Edwina: Don't touch me! I will ... just be going now. *walks away* (I will kill ALL of them. Slowly. With ... with HOT ... pokey things and ... and coals and ... and prods. Yessssss, prods. Many, many prods.)

Minsc: I think she warms to our company, Boo. See how she looks longingly?


Back at the unpopular table

Korgan: I saw ye simperin' over there, mage. Ye almost looked like a real female.

Edwina: Naturally. My talents run to more than the mastery of the magical mysteries. I am a superb actor as well.

Korgan: Aye, and ye are a fine lookin' woman at th' moment! Ach, ye have no beard to speak of, but I be a man of the world, and able to look past such things. I've a mind to show ye my favourite weapon if'n ye're nice to me.

Edwina: Get your filthy paws off me you damn, dirty ape!

Korgan: Arrgh! Bloody spellcasters. Ye burnt me lovely beard you blasted imitation ... gurk.

Minsc: Are you bothering the pretty lady, little man?

Edwina: Put him down, you cretin! I can throttle the dwarf without any help from the likes of you. Mind your own concerns, you stone-headed oaf!

Minsc: Such a temperament! Fire in her belly and not afraid to spit in an eye! It reminds me of the fighting women of my homeland! Ah sweet lady, you bring me tears.

Edwina: Tears indeed! Stand away lest I bring you a fireball as well!

Viconia: A worthy effort, Edwina, but you let the male leave unharmed. Do not worry, in time we shall make a proper female of you.


Outside the Temple Ruins, source of the Umar Hills troubles

Korgan: I'm bored.

Viconia: Then by all means, go down into the ruined temple. I'm sure the shadows and skeletons will provide ample entertainment.

Korgan: I'm bored, not suicidal, elf.

Edwina: Shh, shh, be quiet or I'll lose my connection to Biter. All right, they're entering a vast cavern. What is that? Big, black, scaly, oooh, Mazzy's group have found a shade dragon. What a magnificent creature! No, no, don't stand there and get clobbered you oaf. Don't you dare get my familiar killed!

Viconia: Edwina? How's the fight going?

Edwina: The mini monkey wench has botched it. Half her party's down. Yes! Yes that insipid elf is dead. Oh wait, that's not good. Now Minsc is going berserk. Biter, jump off that suicidal hamster if he won't leave Minsc. What do you mean he's moving too fast? I order you to ... oh, never mind.

Edwina: It's alright now.

Viconia: They killed the dragon.

Edwina: No, that fool ranger blundered out of the cavern in his blind rage. All Mazzy's people seem to be dead, and Minsc is coming back this way. Biter's going to be fine.

Viconia: Why couldn't they have killed the dragon, and then died?

Korgan: Inconsiderate bunch.

Minsc: Minsc is a bad protector! Again his witch is dead and he is not!

Edwina: Hold still, a flame arrow should take care of that.

Viconia: Edwina!

Edwina: What?

Viconia: We could use Minsc to distract the dragon. He likes you, go comfort him.

Edwina: Er, there, there.

Minsc: *sniffles* Aerie!

Edwina: Follow us, Minsc. I promise we'll let you die first.

Minsc: Promise?

Edwina: If I have to kill you myself.

Korgan: You make me sick wi' all th' mush talk, wizard.


After rescuing Mazzy, and slaying the Shadow Dragon

Korgan: Sorriest excuse for a dragon horde I've ever seen. Less treasure than me mam could shake outta her clothes after a proper session wi' th' boys.

Mazzy: You lot stop poking over the treasure and get over here. The evil Shade Lord still lives. We must avenge the innocent and my brave companions.

Viconia: You surfacers are better off for having the weak destroyed by this Shade Lord.

Edwina: The reward that Minister Lloyd offered wasn't really all that much.

Minsc: But Minsc is still alive! You promised I could die avenging little Aerie!

Edwina: You were supposed to die fighting the dragon!

Mazzy: If there is any shred of decency in you, I beseech you to aid me in cleansing this temple of the evil that has defiled it.

Korgan: The Shade Lord's killed a lot o' people. Probably collected some decent swag as well.

Edwina: Or even better, some powerful magic scrolls.

Viconia: I think we could persuade the Minister to increase our reward, as well. Very well, we will see how powerful this Shade Lord is.


After the Shade Lord's defeat

Mazzy: Despite your ... dubious motives, you have served the cause of righteousness today, and I feel compelled to thank you.

Korgan: We'd rather you paid us, girl.

Viconia: I want no confusion. The treasures we've found, and the reward for saving Imnesvale is ours, and not to be claimed by you, halfling.

Mazzy: I am no common mercenary; I require no compensation for my just deeds. Come, Minsc, let us leave these ... people. May the gods see that they receive all that they deserve.

Minsc: Boo and Minsc cannot go with the little knight lady. We must stay with Minsc's new witch.

Edwina: Me? I'm no witch you demented creature. (Do I look like a witch? Do I? Oh ... yes ... I suppose I do.)

Mazzy: I will not allow this, Minsc. That, that female of questionable morals, will lead you to your death. Why she shoved you into the path of an attacking shade! And then she cast a fireball directly at you!

Edwina: Of course I did! That was the plan, wait for the shades to attack the bait, and then burn them all. (And if the bait had died, so much the better. All that mattered is that I survived.)

Minsc: See? Minsc's new witch is very smart. Boo says she is sure to live longer than Minsc.

Edwina: I look forwards to the day I bury you, cretin.

Minsc: Minsc is so happy!

Edwina: Put me down at once! Or I'll drop another fireball on your head!

Korgan: 'Tis enough to turn this dwarf's stomach.

Viconia: Aye, Edwina spent far too many years as a male. It made her soft.

Oooooohhh...

You are a terrible, terrible person. Posting this when I am at work! The folks will keep giving me strange looks for another month, it seems. I had to clamp a hand over my mouth, I was laughing so hard... but it did not help any, of course.

!

Heehee. Love it!

Then again, Femmy Edwin is simply hilarious to me, in any context. He/she just invites humor.

warning: character death

Yay?

Viconia: No, foolish male. My companions and I are simple adventurers.

Edwina: Speak for yourself, lackwit. Edwina Odesseiron is no common man, er, woman.

Certainly not a *simple* adventurer. Rather coloroful and flamboyant, I’d say.

Edwina: Unless something happens to this Mazzy (an unfortunate meeting with a fireball, perhaps) and she fails in her task.

An unfortunate meeting with a dragon, more like.

Edwina: He most certainly did not! I refused to consort with the riff-raff that collected around that barbarian fool. It looks like Konk drank a potion of wisdom and finally got the wits to dump Minsc.

Did Edwin actually consider travelling with a barbarian called Konk?

Edwina: And then we ambush them on the way back! Hah, bask in the glory that is Edwina Odesseiron. My plan is brilliant. They always are.

Or maybe someone might do the job for you. Even better.

Edwina: I will not! Poor little Biter will be poisoned by that big oaf's blood.

Viconia: Then put your flea on the hamster, Edwina.

A flea, hmm? Boo might eat it, though...

Mazzy: I don't like the looks of you, woman. You have the stench of evil about you.

I know, all that pefume is Evil.

Aerie: I..is this woman mad, or drunk?

Eeek, a party of Righteous NPC’s against the party of Evil...

Minsc: He is an evil, evil Red Wizard who will be stomped well and truly by the boots of goodness if I see him.

You won’t be seeing him in a while...

Edwina: If you do not wish to be the proud owner of a very small rug you will ... *coughs* ... may I hold the cute little fellow?

Edwina as the pillow spy... oh my, that’s an image...

Edwina: *whispers* Yes, just burrow on there Biter. That's a good boy. Ouch! The nasty little, darling, rodent bit me.

The flea probably bit him too.

Edwina: Get your filthy paws off me you damn, dirty ape!

Korgan: Arrgh! Bloody spellcasters. Ye burnt me lovely beard you blasted imitation ... gurk.

Dirty old groper, you certainly deserved that.

Viconia: A worthy effort, Edwina, but you let the male leave unharmed. Do not worry, in time we shall make a proper female of you.

Well, she certainly would think that Edwin’s new form is an improvement.

Edwina: The mini monkey wench has botched it. Half her party's down. Yes! Yes that insipid elf is dead.

YAY!

Edwina: No, that fool ranger blundered out of the cavern in his blind rage. All Mazzy's people seem to be dead, and Minsc is coming back this way. Biter's going to be fine.

See, everything turned out alright!

Minsc: Minsc is a bad protector! Again his witch is dead and he is not!

Certainly better than the other way around.

Edwina: Follow us, Minsc. I promise we'll let you die first.

Minsc: Promise?

Edwina: If I have to kill you myself.

Awwww!

Edwina: The reward that Minister Lloyd offered wasn't really all that much.

Lousy hunnerd gold, wasn’t it? Blah.

Mazzy: If there is any shred of decency in you, I beseech you to aid me in cleansing this temple of the evil that has defiled it.

Decency... decency, hmm... no, doesn’t ring a bell.

Minsc: Boo and Minsc cannot go with the little knight lady. We must stay with Minsc's new witch.

Edwina: Me? I'm no witch you demented creature. (Do I look like a witch? Do I? Oh ... yes ... I suppose I do.)

Awwww! This is very sweet!

Mazzy: I will not allow this, Minsc. That, that female of questionable morals, will lead you to your death. Why she shoved you into the path of an attacking shade! And then she cast a fireball directly at you!

That’s what the fighters all come to expect though, isn’t it?

Minsc: See? Minsc's new witch is very smart. Boo says she is sure to live longer than Minsc.

Well... considering her tendencies to insult everyone everywhere, this is debatable...

Viconia: Aye, Edwina spent far too many years as a male. It made her soft.

She seems to be getting better now, though. A bit scary, but maybe Minsc likes it that way...

Features the nether-scroll gender altered Edwin and won't make much sense if you're not familiar with the Umar Hills (Shade Lord) quest.
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Edwina. The much more entertaining version of Edwin.

Minister Lloyd: *shrieks* Oh my word, the Drow are attacking! I feel faint. Er ... take my wife and money, but spare me.

Well, at least he's got his priorities straight.

Korgan: Arr, quit yer whinin' ye limp-wristed longleg. Do I look like a pansy elf to you?

No, you look like an overgrown throwrug with hygenie problems.

Viconia: No, foolish male. My companions and I are simple adventurers.

Especially Korgan. Very very simple.

Edwina: Speak for yourself, lackwit. Edwina Odesseiron is no common man, er, woman.

Edwin the Tranny!

Minister Lloyd: Ah, thank you, but I've already hired the famous knight Mazzy Fentan and her troupe. So we won't need your services. Terribly, terribly sorry.

Now, please leave without killing me.

Edwina: Unless something happens to this Mazzy (an unfortunate meeting with a fireball, perhaps) and she fails in her task.

*snort*

Viconia: Not a decent looking warrior in the party. Although that big one with the purple tattoo might be good for an hour or two of entertainment.

I forget who's story on the Attic used the line, I think it was Silrana's A Capella:

When Aerie told Minsc that elves didn't have many children:

Minsc: "Ah! But they did not Minsc to sire them" (probably a paraphrase)

So, in short, Viccy, watch out for what you ask for.

Edwina: What big one ... erg. (calm, calm, the witch is dead, and the ranger's a moron.)

Hehehehe

Viconia: Oh, now I recognize him. That's the slave of the Rashmani witch. *pokes Edwina in ribs* Didn't you say he chased you out of the Bhaalspawn's party after you insulted his dead witch?

Threw him out is probably more likely.

Edwina: He most certainly did not! I refused to consort with the riff-raff that collected around that barbarian fool. It looks like Konk drank a potion of wisdom and finally got the wits to dump Minsc.

I am Konk the Barbarian Bhaalspawn.

Reminds me of Narg, my barbarian Bhaalspawn. I miss that big lunk.

Viconia: See if you can follow this, axe-brain. We let them do the fighting ...

Edwina: And then we ambush them on the way back! Hah, bask in the glory that is Edwina Odesseiron. My plan is brilliant. They always are.

Viconia is going to hurt you.

Viconia: Go plant your familiar on Minsc so we can track Mazzy's party.

Edwina: I will not! Poor little Biter will be poisoned by that big oaf's blood.

Viconia: Then put your flea on the hamster, Edwina.

His familiar is a flea? Now that is good.

Mazzy: I don't like the looks of you, woman. You have the stench of evil about you.

It's Eau de Korgan. And stench is dead on.

Aerie: I..is this woman mad, or drunk?

Probably both.

Minsc: You bear handsome features, though they are familiar, too. Edwin's sister perhaps? Aye, Boo sees the resemblance. You are his superior in your manner though.

Edwina: Aaah! I do not know this Edwin you speak of, but he must be a handsome, charming fellow if he resembles me.

Minsc: He is an evil, evil Red Wizard who will be stomped well and truly by the boots of goodness if I see him.

Woo hoo!

Minsc: Do you like hamsters? Boo likes you.

Edwina: If you do not wish to be the proud owner of a very small rug you will ... *coughs* ... may I hold the cute little fellow?

*snort*

Minsc: Boo is sorry, he just wanted to give you a little love bite. Minsc's witch is a healer she could make that better.

Aerie: Do I have to?

Hehehe.. I like this Aerie.

Edwina: Don't touch me! I will ... just be going now. *walks away* (I will kill ALL of them. Slowly. With ... with HOT ... pokey things and ... and coals and ... and prods. Yessssss, prods. Many, many prods.)

Good old Edwin, always with the planning

Korgan: Aye, and ye are a fine lookin' woman at th' moment! Ach, ye have no beard to speak of, but I be a man of the world, and able to look past such things. I've a mind to show ye my favourite weapon if'n ye're nice to me.

A game of Hide the Helmet anyone?

Edwina: Get your filthy paws off me you damn, dirty ape!

And Edwina goes all Charlton Heston on them.

Minsc: Are you bothering the pretty lady, little man?

Edwina: Put him down, you cretin! I can throttle the dwarf without any help from the likes of you. Mind your own concerns, you stone-headed oaf!

Minsc: Such a temperament! Fire in her belly and not afraid to spit in an eye! It reminds me of the fighting women of my homeland! Ah sweet lady, you bring me tears.

Someone has a crush...

Viconia: A worthy effort, Edwina, but you let the male leave unharmed. Do not worry, in time we shall make a proper female of you.

Viconia: Then by all means, go down into the ruined temple. I'm sure the shadows and skeletons will provide ample entertainment.

Korgan: I'm bored, not suicidal, elf.

How unfortunate.

Edwina: The mini monkey wench has botched it. Half her party's down. Yes! Yes that insipid elf is dead. Oh wait, that's not good. Now Minsc is going berserk. Biter, jump off that suicidal hamster if he won't leave Minsc. What do you mean he's moving too fast? I order you to ... oh, never mind.

I remember the first time I tackled that beastie. The shadow breath nailed Yoshimo and chunked him. It was impressive... then Minsc slapped the dragon for a fatal critical hit.

Viconia: Why couldn't they have killed the dragon, and then died?

Because no plan survives first contact.

Minsc: Minsc is a bad protector! Again his witch is dead and he is not!

Edwina: Hold still, a flame arrow should take care of that.

Damn.

Viconia: We could use Minsc to distract the dragon. He likes you, go comfort him.

Edwina: Er, there, there.

Minsc: *sniffles* Aerie!

Edwina: Follow us, Minsc. I promise we'll let you die first.

Minsc: Promise?

Edwina: If I have to kill you myself.

Oh dear lord.

Korgan: Sorriest excuse for a dragon horde I've ever seen. Less treasure than me mam could shake outta her clothes after a proper session wi' th' boys.

I don't even want to think about that.

Mazzy: If there is any shred of decency in you, I beseech you to aid me in cleansing this temple of the evil that has defiled it.

Nope.

Korgan: The Shade Lord's killed a lot o' people. Probably collected some decent swag as well.

Edwina: Or even better, some powerful magic scrolls.

Viconia: I think we could persuade the Minister to increase our reward, as well. Very well, we will see how powerful this Shade Lord is.

See?

Mazzy: Despite your ... dubious motives, you have served the cause of righteousness today, and I feel compelled to thank you.

Korgan: We'd rather you paid us, girl.

Thanks in coin.

Viconia: I want no confusion. The treasures we've found, and the reward for saving Imnesvale is ours, and not to be claimed by you, halfling.

Well, considering the 3 on 2 odds right now...

Minsc: Boo and Minsc cannot go with the little knight lady. We must stay with Minsc's new witch.

Edwina: Me? I'm no witch you demented creature. (Do I look like a witch? Do I? Oh ... yes ... I suppose I do.)

Especially with the warts.

Mazzy: I will not allow this, Minsc. That, that female of questionable morals, will lead you to your death. Why she shoved you into the path of an attacking shade! And then she cast a fireball directly at you!

Edwina: Of course I did! That was the plan, wait for the shades to attack the bait, and then burn them all. (And if the bait had died, so much the better. All that mattered is that I survived.)

Minsc: See? Minsc's new witch is very smart. Boo says she is sure to live longer than Minsc.

I suppose if that's the criteria....

Edwina: I look forwards to the day I bury you, cretin.

Minsc: Minsc is so happy!

Edwina: Put me down at once! Or I'll drop another fireball on your head!

Well, I wouldn't mind seeing that... as it would get Edwina too.

Viconia: Aye, Edwina spent far too many years as a male. It made her soft.

LOL

Funny funny stuff.

VH

Heehee... this story had me in giggles quite a few times. My favourite line is Edwin promissing Minsc 'he'll die before she does'. And Viconia is deliciously evil as well.

Oooooohhh...

You are a terrible, terrible person. Posting this when I am at work! The folks will keep giving me strange looks for another month, it seems. I had to clamp a hand over my mouth, I was laughing so hard... but it did not help any, of course.

!

Um ... sorry for posting. Next time I'll ... probably do it again

Heehee. Love it!

Then again, Femmy Edwin is simply hilarious to me, in any context. He/she just invites humor.

S/he does, and the responses of the NPC's to it were some of the funniest bits in the game. (No sympathy for poor Edwin *sniff* )

warning: character death

Yay?

Probably, unless you've turned into an Aerie fan.

Edwina: Speak for yourself, lackwit. Edwina Odesseiron is no common man, er, woman.

Certainly not a *simple* adventurer. Rather coloroful and flamboyant, I’d say.

Viconia: Yes, I encourage that. Whenever we're ambushed they shoot for the big, loud red target first.

Edwina: He most certainly did not! I refused to consort with the riff-raff that collected around that barbarian fool. It looks like Konk drank a potion of wisdom and finally got the wits to dump Minsc.

Did Edwin actually consider travelling with a barbarian called Konk?

Bhaalspawn, even stupid Bhaalspawn, equal power in Edwin's eyes.

Edwina: And then we ambush them on the way back! Hah, bask in the glory that is Edwina Odesseiron. My plan is brilliant. They always are.

Or maybe someone might do the job for you. Even better.

Yep, safer, and less messy.

Viconia: Then put your flea on the hamster, Edwina.

A flea, hmm? Boo might eat it, though...

Edwina: *faints*
Korgan: pfft, females.
Viconia: *hissss*
Korgan: I meant, pfft, mages.

Mazzy: I don't like the looks of you, woman. You have the stench of evil about you.

I know, all that pefume is Evil.

Strangely, Edwina wears less than Edwin.

Edwina: If you do not wish to be the proud owner of a very small rug you will ... *coughs* ... may I hold the cute little fellow?

Edwina as the pillow spy... oh my, that’s an image...

Good or bad?

Edwina: Get your filthy paws off me you damn, dirty ape!

Korgan: Arrgh! Bloody spellcasters. Ye burnt me lovely beard you blasted imitation ... gurk.

Dirty old groper, you certainly deserved that.

Won't stop him though. Korgan's next target will be Viconia. That should stop him - permanently.

Viconia: A worthy effort, Edwina, but you let the male leave unharmed. Do not worry, in time we shall make a proper female of you.

Well, she certainly would think that Edwin’s new form is an improvement.

She says something like that in the game.

Edwina: The mini monkey wench has botched it. Half her party's down. Yes! Yes that insipid elf is dead.

YAY!

Good times.

Minsc: Minsc is a bad protector! Again his witch is dead and he is not!

Certainly better than the other way around.

Not to Minsc, poor guy's suffering from a lot of survivor guilt.

Edwina: Follow us, Minsc. I promise we'll let you die first.

Minsc: Promise?

Edwina: If I have to kill you myself.

Awwww!

They are cute teogether, aren't they.

Mazzy: If there is any shred of decency in you, I beseech you to aid me in cleansing this temple of the evil that has defiled it.

Decency... decency, hmm... no, doesn’t ring a bell.

Oh I'm sure under that gruff exterior Korgan is just a big, savage, brutal teddy bear.

Minsc: Boo and Minsc cannot go with the little knight lady. We must stay with Minsc's new witch.

Edwina: Me? I'm no witch you demented creature. (Do I look like a witch? Do I? Oh ... yes ... I suppose I do.)

Awwww! This is very sweet!

Mazzy: I will not allow this, Minsc. That, that female of questionable morals, will lead you to your death. Why she shoved you into the path of an attacking shade! And then she cast a fireball directly at you!

That’s what the fighters all come to expect though, isn’t it?

They spend a fortune on fire-protection items.

Minsc: See? Minsc's new witch is very smart. Boo says she is sure to live longer than Minsc.

Well... considering her tendencies to insult everyone everywhere, this is debatable...

And she'll be worse now that Minsc will be protecting her.

Viconia: Aye, Edwina spent far too many years as a male. It made her soft.

She seems to be getting better now, though. A bit scary, but maybe Minsc likes it that way...

He did seem to like Dynaheir.

Features the nether-scroll gender altered Edwin and won't make much sense if you're not familiar with the Umar Hills (Shade Lord) quest.
_______________________________________________________________

Edwina. The much more entertaining version of Edwin.

Unless you're a straight female, then the male version has potential.

Minister Lloyd: *shrieks* Oh my word, the Drow are attacking! I feel faint. Er ... take my wife and money, but spare me.

Well, at least he's got his priorities straight.

He is a politician.

Korgan: Arr, quit yer whinin' ye limp-wristed longleg. Do I look like a pansy elf to you?

No, you look like an overgrown throwrug with hygenie problems.

Korgan: flatterer.

Viconia: No, foolish male. My companions and I are simple adventurers.

Especially Korgan. Very very simple.

See target, attack target, repeat.

Edwina: Speak for yourself, lackwit. Edwina Odesseiron is no common man, er, woman.

Edwin the Tranny!

Spends hours outside the washrooms trying to decide which one to go into.

Edwina: Unless something happens to this Mazzy (an unfortunate meeting with a fireball, perhaps) and she fails in her task.

*snort*

Edwinian subtlety.

Viconia: Not a decent looking warrior in the party. Although that big one with the purple tattoo might be good for an hour or two of entertainment.

I forget who's story on the Attic used the line, I think it was Silrana's A Capella:

When Aerie told Minsc that elves didn't have many children:

Minsc: "Ah! But they did not Minsc to sire them" (probably a paraphrase)

So, in short, Viccy, watch out for what you ask for.

Viccy and Minsc with the cottage, white picket fence and 2.5 children

Edwina: What big one ... erg. (calm, calm, the witch is dead, and the ranger's a moron.)

Hehehehe

Edwinian bravery.

Viconia: Oh, now I recognize him. That's the slave of the Rashmani witch. *pokes Edwina in ribs* Didn't you say he chased you out of the Bhaalspawn's party after you insulted his dead witch?

Threw him out is probably more likely.

Nope chased him out, Minsc waving that two-handed sword, and Edwin shrieking like a manly girl.

Edwina: He most certainly did not! I refused to consort with the riff-raff that collected around that barbarian fool. It looks like Konk drank a potion of wisdom and finally got the wits to dump Minsc.

I am Konk the Barbarian Bhaalspawn.

Reminds me of Narg, my barbarian Bhaalspawn. I miss that big lunk.

Barbarians can be fun, no angsty soul-searching dialogues. Bad guy, bonk, dead bad guy.

Viconia: See if you can follow this, axe-brain. We let them do the fighting ...

Edwina: And then we ambush them on the way back! Hah, bask in the glory that is Edwina Odesseiron. My plan is brilliant. They always are.

Viconia is going to hurt you.

Edwina: Oooh, tonight? With the whips and the chains and ...

Viconia: Then put your flea on the hamster, Edwina.

His familiar is a flea? Now that is good.

Bloodsucking little parasite. Yep, seemed to fit. The weird thing is I like Edwin

Minsc: You bear handsome features, though they are familiar, too. Edwin's sister perhaps? Aye, Boo sees the resemblance. You are his superior in your manner though.

Edwina: Aaah! I do not know this Edwin you speak of, but he must be a handsome, charming fellow if he resembles me.

Minsc: He is an evil, evil Red Wizard who will be stomped well and truly by the boots of goodness if I see him.

Woo hoo!

But he won't be seeing him soon.

Minsc: Boo is sorry, he just wanted to give you a little love bite. Minsc's witch is a healer she could make that better.

Aerie: Do I have to?

Hehehe.. I like this Aerie.

Oops, you do remember what happens to Mazzy's group

Edwina: Get your filthy paws off me you damn, dirty ape!

And Edwina goes all Charlton Heston on them.

Couldn't resist, Edwin is the one with the monkey obsession.

Minsc: Such a temperament! Fire in her belly and not afraid to spit in an eye! It reminds me of the fighting women of my homeland! Ah sweet lady, you bring me tears.

Someone has a crush...

And that came straight from the game dialogues.

Viconia: Then by all means, go down into the ruined temple. I'm sure the shadows and skeletons will provide ample entertainment.

Korgan: I'm bored, not suicidal, elf.

How unfortunate.

He has to have some brains to have lived this long.

Edwina: The mini monkey wench has botched it. Half her party's down. Yes! Yes that insipid elf is dead. Oh wait, that's not good. Now Minsc is going berserk. Biter, jump off that suicidal hamster if he won't leave Minsc. What do you mean he's moving too fast? I order you to ... oh, never mind.

I remember the first time I tackled that beastie. The shadow breath nailed Yoshimo and chunked him. It was impressive... then Minsc slapped the dragon for a fatal critical hit.

I remember setting the game to 'easy', and still getting my butt kicked

Edwina: Follow us, Minsc. I promise we'll let you die first.

Minsc: Promise?

Edwina: If I have to kill you myself.

Oh dear lord.

Minsc has ... issues.

Korgan: Sorriest excuse for a dragon horde I've ever seen. Less treasure than me mam could shake outta her clothes after a proper session wi' th' boys.

I don't even want to think about that.

Mazzy: Despite your ... dubious motives, you have served the cause of righteousness today, and I feel compelled to thank you.

Korgan: We'd rather you paid us, girl.

Thanks in coin.

Korgan: I was thinking somethin' more pleasant an' physical.

Viconia: I want no confusion. The treasures we've found, and the reward for saving Imnesvale is ours, and not to be claimed by you, halfling.

Well, considering the 3 on 2 odds right now...

Even worse, it's 4 on 1.

Edwina: Me? I'm no witch you demented creature. (Do I look like a witch? Do I? Oh ... yes ... I suppose I do.)

Especially with the warts.

Edwina: Those are *beauty marks*

Edwina: I look forwards to the day I bury you, cretin.

Minsc: Minsc is so happy!

Edwina: Put me down at once! Or I'll drop another fireball on your head!

Well, I wouldn't mind seeing that... as it would get Edwina too.

And she's got a lot less HP than Minsc.

Heehee... this story had me in giggles quite a few times. My favourite line is Edwin promissing Minsc 'he'll die before she does'. And Viconia is deliciously evil as well.

Thanks, and I like writing Viconia as evil and smart. Lots of fun.

That was a fun read. Everyone seemed pretty much in character, too, even though there were so many of them there were plenty of chances for something to sound wrong to me.

That was a fun read. Everyone seemed pretty much in character, too, even though there were so many of them there were plenty of chances for something to sound wrong to me.

Thanks, though I'm starting to get worried about just how well I do know all those characters. I'm spending way too much time on Baldur's Gate.

Sorry I can't be more constructive than this at the moment. But I laughed so hard when I read this that I couldn't breath! (I got better). Thank you, this was quite fun!

Thanks, though I'm starting to get worried about just how well I do know all those characters. I'm spending way too much time on Baldur's Gate.

It could be worse. I spend too little time on it. I think about it a lot, but I don't actually play much at all, or even write or otherwise be creative on the subject that often.

Oh Wyvern, you can like a character and still be honest about them. I like Aerie. She's a whiny little brat sometimes, but I still like her. I like Edwin. And it would be just ever so satisfying to kill him in his sleep sometimes, wouldn't it?