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[Laufey]

Author's Note: To understand why the writing style isn't what you'd expect, it helps to know that this is a Bridget Jones spoof.


Vadrak Dekaras' Diary

Hammer 1st

05.30
Have been gifted with rare and expensive crocodile-skin diary by Attentive Lover. Am not much for writing personal secrets down - am not much for writing any secrets down. People snoop.

Still, if present abandoned, Attentive Lover will know and become Aggressive Lover. While this has certain appeal, would prefer to keep eyebrows intact.

05.35
And eyelashes.

05.36
And...never mind. Some things too personal, even if each entry made with invisible ink, and each page burnt afterwards. Don't trust servants not to snoop.

05.45
Will boobytrap diary extensively to know if tampered with - and poison pages. Rare poison, regular antidotes worthless. If this read by snooper - sod off. Only got yourself to blame.

05.46
If this read by Edwin - come see me at once. And expect detention.

-*-

Hammer 2nd

06.33
Nagged last night by Persistent Lover into making New Year's Resolutions. Have tried explaining New Year already started, too late for promises. Was very eloquent and logical.

Didn't work. Should have, but didn't. Vexing.

06.51
Have investigated custom of New Year's Resolutions. Most common ones: Not to drink, not to smoke, lose weight. This presents problem. Don't normally drink - know all too well what can happen then. Don't smoke, don't mean to start - am not Elminster admirer. Am not fat - quite the opposite. Maybe resolve to gain weight instead?

06.55
Have had good idea. Will resolve to avoid sarcasm. Will be gentle, mild-mannered and soothing. Not sure what is exact benefit of this, but sounds awful, so is probably healthy.

07.45
Had meeting with August Employer, who's taken up new hobby. Mountain climbing. Wants self to help provide instruction. Equipment already bought, as are tickets for Mount Thay. Had momentary daydream about snapping lines.

07.46
Killing employer bad. Mustn't. Daydreams must suffice.

07.47
Long daydreams.

07.48
Long, detailed daydreams.

07.49
In colour and full sound.

08.00
Daily lessons with Edwin. Have prepared as always: Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theatre. Am not bad at dramatic parts, actually. Penetrating glare and swirling cloak work wonders. Very intimidating.

08.25
Homework actually done, and done well. Suspiciously well. Will look into this.

08.33
Discovered lazy boy had been copying text straight from dictionary on Magical Maladies. Knew for sure when cheating boy claimed to have personally experienced 'Oscillating Ovaries'.

08.40
Serve him right if he ever does. New Year's Promise well and truly broken now.

Had rather fun though.