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Jolly Holiday with Aerie


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#1 Laufey

Posted 12 December 2005 - 11:44 AM

Jolly Holiday – A Twisted Theme

Scene: A dark and horrible dungeon room. There are chains hanging from the walls, many of which still contain bits of bone, and there are quite a few pools of blood on the cold stone floor. In one corner stands an Iron Maiden, still with bits of rotting flesh hanging off the sharp spikes. Manacled to the walls are several dazed-looking and emaciated prisoners, wearing rags. They all look as if they have been severely whipped, and some are missing limbs. Near the center of the room there is a large rack, and a handsome, tall and muscular paladin is securely tied to it. Very tall – it looks as if the rack has been in use for some time. One of his eyes has been gouged out with some sharp instrument. Somebody, possibly in an attempt to be humorous, has placed it in the socket of the skull standing next to him with a burning candle stuck on top of it. One of his hands has also been severed, and the stump has been neatly healed so he won’t bleed to death.

Enter Aerie, wearing a neat blue dress with a white apron, and with her blonde hair securely tied into a bun. There are a few spots of fresh blood on the apron, and she’s carrying a large bullwhip.

When he sees her, the paladin’s face twists into a horrible grimace, part horror and part longing. He opens his mouth, and starts singing. For some reason, his voice sounds like Dick Van Dyke.


Paladin: Ain’t it an ‘orrible day?
Feels like I’m slippin’ away…
Please do let me die!

Aerie: (smiling patronizingly) Now Bert, none of your larking about.

Paladin: See that severed head…
The blood so red
‘Ow I miss my eye!

Oh it’s a jolly holiday
With Aerie
Aerie makes you cry from fright

Aerie: You’ve really changed quite a bit, haven’t you?

Paladin: When the day gets gray
And ordinary
Aerie spawns a darker blight!

Aerie: Oh, honestly! (she flutters her eyelashes sweetly)

Paladin: Oh misery is bloomin’
All around ‘er
An’ even from a stone she’ll
Squeeze a tear
When Aerie ‘olds your ‘and
You don’t feel grand
Your ‘eart starts beatin’
Like a big brass band

(Aerie startles, fishes the hand in question out of her apron pocket and casually tosses into a waste paper basket)

Aerie: (laughing) You are lightheaded!

Paladin: Oh it’s a jolly holiday
With Aerie
Boy do I regret I fell in love!

Chained prisoners singing in chorus:

Oh it’s a jolly holiday
With Aerie
Aerie makes you cry from fright

When the day gets gray
And ordinary
Aerie spawns a darker blight!

Oh misery is bloomin’
All around ‘er
An’ even from a stone she’ll
Squeeze a tear

When Aerie ‘olds your ‘and
You don’t feel grand
Your ‘eart starts beatin’
Like a big brass band

Oh it’s a jolly holiday
With Aerie
Boy do I regret I fell in love!

Aerie: (smiles and sings along)
Oh, it’s a jolly holiday
With you, Bert
Gentlemen like you are few

Paladin: A vanishin’ breed, that’s me!

Aerie: Though you’re really looking
Rather scruffy
Let’s see if your blood is blue

(She takes out a scalpel and starts slowly carving patterns of little fluffy animals into his manly chest. He screams.)

Paladin: C-c-common knowledge!

Aerie: You never thought of asking
Awkward questions
Or placing doubt in
My sincerity

Paladin: (screaming) True!

Aerie: And you’d do well to fear
When I am near
My sweet gentility is insincere!
Oh it’s a jolly holiday with you Bert!
A jolly, jolly holiday with you!
Rogues do it from behind.




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