Ready or Not

I'm going to die. The words bounced around inside Renai's throbbing head, which she held with both hands to keep it from flying apart. I'm going to die, and I'm going to enjoy it. But gods, please please please make it soon.

When the table on which she had propped her elbows shook, Renai cracked her eyes open and saw before her a tin goblet filled to the brim with something that smelled horrible.

Groaning, she pushed the drink away, but Yoshimo put it back under her nose as he sat down beside her. "Drink it, meian." he said. "A hair of the pup, as they say."

Renai eyed the drink warily. "What does that mean, and who's they, anyway?"

"It means that considering your activities last night, a hangover is, at least, expected if not deserved. But it pains me --" he chuckled, and Renai had to cover her ears because it was so very loud! -- "to see you suffer so. Drink."

Obviously, he wasn't aware that the headache was all that was keeping her from beating that grin off his face. "Hey, we were celebrating living through the Cult of the Unseeing Eye. It was a party. You were there. And I only had one mug of ale."

"And how many times did you allow Thunderburp to fill it?"

"None of your bloody business." Renai managed to put sufficient strength into her backbone to sit up straight enough to take the goblet in hand. She peered into it; gods, it was green. She gave Yoshimo a pleading look.

"You trust me, do you not?" Before Renai could decide what to answer, Yoshimo put his hand on the cup to guide it to her lips. "Then drink. Often, the cure is more distasteful than the ailment. But in the end, you will feel better, this I promise."

It tasted worse than it smelled, but it was cold, so Renai held her breath and choked it down. The brew slid thickly down her throat, causing her stomach to turn, then detach completely before it settled so heavily into place she thought she heard a thud.

Just as she was about to bolt from her seat for one of the spitoons in the corner, the queasy feeling left, taking the hangover with it.

"You see?" Yoshimo was looking at her, but his brown eyes seemed far away. A tender note in his voice captured Renai's dazed attention. "No harm will come to you, that I have promised. And that is a vow I take most seriously." Above her cheek his fingers hovered, so close her skin tingled and her breath left her as she waited for his caress.

But at the last moment, he caught himself and lowered his hand. The thrill of the moment too quickly became embarrassment and set her face aflame. Renai pressed the empty goblet to her cheeks, trying to cool the bright blush and untangle the thoughts that twisted together into a cacophony of meaningless desire, I should I wish I would I need I want please .... As if she still couldn't say what she wanted to, even to herself:

That she wanted Yoshimo so much she ached.

He had rebuffed her clumsy advances once, the night after they freed the slaves from the Coronet's pits. However gently he did it, it was still a refusal, and Renai was not a woman to ask a man to her bed twice. But then, she reflected upon her few past relationships, she had never been the first to ask before.

Maybe, she thought, I should damn the consequences and just say, 'Yoshimo, I want you. I don't know what that means, but I think all the time about that night at Nalia's keep when you kissed me. That is, I'm thinking of you. And I wish you'd kiss me again.'

But instead she put the cup down and said, "So what was in this, anyway?"

"I cannot tell you. Ancient Kozakuran secret." Renai narrowed her eyes, and Yoshimo laughed easily, nodding toward the bar. "In truth," he said, "Thunderburp sells this tonic in the mornings. At an exorbitant price, I should add."

"I should invest in this stuff for him to bottle. I bet I'd make my fortune by the week's end. How much do I owe you for this one?" Renai reached behind her for her satchel, but Yoshimo stopped her by taking her hand in his.

"Think nothing of it." His eyes and voice were as neutral as the words, but the pulse in the heel of his hand throbbed against hers, and Renai felt his blood running as quickly as her own. All the words she longed to say balanced on the tip of her tongue, and she took a deep breath to let them fall where they would.

"What is this?" Renai jumped at the sound of Jaheira's cross voice, which cut through her head even worse than the hangover and made her jaws close so quickly she bit her lip. Her leap sent her to the edge of her seat, where she teetered precariously until Yoshimo caught her hand and pulled her back to her original position.

Jaheira shook the cup at Renai. "Willowbark, and honey and ginko root ... what is this?"

"Um ... hangover remedy." Renai straightened the collar of her blue linen blouse, then ran her hand through her long, loose dark hair and short black skirt, trying to look as presentable and innocent as possible.

"Hangover remedy. Hah." Jaheira dropped the goblet and watched it bounce off the table. "If you had taken my advice, you would not need such potions. Such things do not work. It is all in your head."

"It was all in my head, and Yoshimo's cure worked nicely, thank you." Renai turned to Yoshimo, whose eyes gleamed again with a familiar playfulness. "Her advice was for me to go to bed at dusk. Like she did."

With the eye Jaheira could not see, he winked at Renai. "You should listen to your elders, meian. A seed of truth lies within all the tales of old wives."

Renai leapt to her feet to block Jaheira before she could vent her ire upon Yoshimo. But to her surprise, Jaheira only looked indignant. "Whom do you call 'old,' Kozakuran? I have mere years upon you, and you are only a human man!"

"Is that so? I have three and thirty years behind me. How many would you have, forty?"

Jaheira growled, "Thirty-nine."

"That many? Forgive my error, Lady Jaheira." Yoshimo bowed from his seat. "You look not a day older than thirty-eight."

Jaheira growled again, sounding more like a beast than a mad druid. Renai bumped hard against Jaheira, knocking her off balance before she could either transform into a bear or draw her scimitar. "Isn't it time for us to leave?" she cried, making them both look at her, Yoshimo with amusement and Jaheira with irritation. Renai shouldered her satchel and quiver and took up her bow. "Sir Keldorn and Anomen are waiting at the entrance to the docks for us. We don't want to keep them hanging."

"Let them!" Jaheira spat, testily arranging her gear. "That is what they get for leaving. Although I am surprised that one would have left your side."

"Sir Keldorn said they had to stay at the Order." Renai shrugged, trying to look nonchalant even as she fought down a hint of nervousness at meeting Sir Keldorn this morning. The old paladin had come to the Five Flagons to apologize for calling her a murderer, true. But she didn't usually make it a habit to travel with people who disapproved of her. Time would tell.

"Did you tell them that we seek to contract with Athkatla's Shadow Thieves? You did not, I knew so." Jaheira frowned. "They would frown upon such an undertaking, and it is unwise to surprise them with such news this morn."

"Be assured that all is in hand." Yoshimo nodded at Renai. "In any case, it is she that Bloodscalp has requested, not her entourage. The presence of the righteous brothers is not required. I can escort her alone."

Jaheira stepped in front of Renai, as if shielding her from the bounty hunter's intentions. "I think not. One does not send a child alone into a wolf pack with only a cur for a companion."

"Child?!" Renai's cheeks burned again. "Jae! If Yoshimo thinks we can go alone, then we can! And I'm hardly a child! I'm twenty-three, not three!"

Jaheira gave Yoshimo a look that plainly said, 'You see precisely what I mean?' Yoshimo laughed again, then rose to join them.

I *am* going to die. Renai sighed. She walked quickly toward the door, to put as much space between herself and Jaheira as she could. But gods help me, I'm taking her with me, I swear!

Once outside on Athkatla's already-busy streets, Renai slowed her pace to allow Jaheira to catch up to her. The morning sunlight was bright, but bearable, and the breeze from the sea was cool and fresh. It would only be a few hours before Amn's hallmark humidity made the day sticky and uncomfortable, sending Renai's thoughts fondly back to the cool pine forests near Candlekeep.

"Now that we are alone, I have questions about your constant companion of late," Jaheira murmured into her ear. Startled, Renai turned and looked for Yoshimo but did not see him; he had a habit of blending into crowds and shadows, which he explained was an effective practice for his profession. Jaheira continued, "Do you have any idea of what you are doing?"

Hoping Yoshimo was nowhere near enough to hear her, Renai looked straight into Jaheira's eyes and replied, "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

The druid laughed. "No? Come now, I am not a fool, even if you are."

"Hey!" Renai's temper bristled. "Just who do you ..." she began, but Jaheira cut her off.

"Had you but world and time enough, child, then this coyness would be no crime. But you do not." A sad, misty note in Jaheira's voice put a lump in Renai's throat and soothed her quick anger. Khalid, she is thinking of Khalid, Renai thought, then realized from the lost look in Jaheira's eyes that she never stopped thinking of him. "The lives we lead are not simple. I will tell you this: If you want him, take him. Or you may never have the chance."

Renai had to turn her face from Jaheira and blink very hard. No, she wasn't near tears. She hadn't cried since her mother died; she wasn't going to shed tears over a man. Finally, she managed to say, "I don't think he wants me."

"Then you are blind as well as a fool. How do you not see what is so obvious?"

"Jae, I know for a fact he doesn't want me, and I don't blame him. Who in their right mind would want a Child of Bhaal?"

Jaheira smacked her on the back of the head then, so hard Renai stumbled and almost fell to her knees. Before she could recover, Jaheira grabbed her by the tip of her ear and quickened her step, forcing Renai to trot half-bent behind her.

"If you think that you are nothing except that, then you do not deserve anyone!" she snapped, tugging on Renai's ear with each step. "I have not spent this time in the role of your caretaker to hear you speak so of yourself! Have you learned nothing? I will not believe that Moren's daughter has become such a complete nincompoop!"

"Let go!" Each time Renai tried to pull away, Jaheira gave her ear a harder tweak. "Jae, let go of me!"

Jaheira yanked so hard on her ear that Renai feared that she'd pull the elven point right off it. "If I cannot prove that you are not a Child of Murder, I will at least prove that it is in title only, and not in person! Do you think that is possible if you continue to denigrate yourself so? Answer me!"

"But ..."

"Quiet!" With a hard shove, Jaheria released her, then she took Renai's arm to pull her close again. Into her throbbing ear she said, "If you want him, take him. If he does not respond, it is because he is dim-witted -- and he is -- not because of your sire."

Renai rubbed hard at her ear. "I didn't mean it like that!" Jaheria seemed impervious to her scowl, so Renai continued. "I meant all the trouble and drama I deal with day in and out, all because I'm a Bhaalspawn. What man would want to take all that on?"

Jaheira snorted. "You were not specific."

"You didn't give me time to be specific." Renai sighed bitterly. "Isn't love hard enough already without all that?"

Jaheira quirked her eyebrow at her. "So," she said, "it is love we speak of. Well then. That is a different matter entirely."

Nine quick replies that would have satisfied the druid's interest leapt to mind, but Renai couldn't bring herself to say any of them. Not because they were untrue, but because Renai wasn't sure what was true anymore.

When I'm near him, I want to run away, and when he's gone I wish he was here. Again she scanned the crowds around them as they moved down the streets but still she did not see him. He has a way of making me feel more like someone new, and yet more like myself than I ever have. So when you add all that up, what does it become? And how do I put them together so I get the solution I want?

One thing was clear: She was completely in over her head. "I'm not ready for this," she murmured, and didn't realize until Jaheria pushed her that she had spoken the thought aloud. "Jae! Gods, what is it with you today?!"

"You!" Jaheira shook her head, but she was laughing. "I have never known you to be so indecisive, and it vexes me. I do not like being vexed. You make this seem so complex, when it is simplest as a matter of biology. Then there is nothing to decide, child, except when and where." And Renai could not keep from blushing at the salacious grin Jaheira gave her.

"It's complex to me." Renai lowered her voice, to perhaps keep from hearing herself admit that she was frightened, "I don't want to take a step until I know where I'll land, and I don't have time to wait until I have it figured out. I don't want to screw this up."

"Child, in these matters, the choices are not your own."

"They'll have to be. Imoen's waiting for me, Jae, and I can't turn my mind from her because of a man. If he wants me, he'll have to come to me, because I just don't have the time to play this game." Now she hoped that Yoshimo was somewhere close enough to hear her.

Jaheira smiled, reaching out to tug a lock of Renai's hair like a mother comforting her child. "You will do as you please, as you always do. Ah, but look, speak of Bane and as always his minions appear."

With her heart in her throat, Renai looked about as coolly as she could manage, but she could not see Yoshimo anywhere. She was surprised to see that they already had reached the docks, and waiting at the entrance were Sir Keldorn and Anomen. "Where?" she asked Jaheira.

The druid laughed. "How can you miss such gleaming armor? Your young one, there! You did not think I meant the Tormite, did you?"

Perhaps the potion was wearing off, because Renai suddenly felt a bit ill again, as if the hangover was returning. She looked from Jaheira to Anomen and back again. "You were talking about Anomen," she said weakly.

"Of course," Jaheira replied. "When I went abed last night, he was stuck to your side like a fly in honey. And you allow him to follow you about everywhere you go. It is obvious ... " She blinked hard, then frowned. "Who were you discussing?"

Beside the men, Yoshimo appeared as if from air and watched with them as Renai and Jaheira approached. Anomen's smile was so bright that Renai felt compelled to return it, albeit half-heartedly. Oh gods, she can't be right! How in the Nine Hells do I add this into the equation? But to Jaheira she said, "No,no. That was it. That was it all along."

Yoshimo's expression was as inscrutable as ever, a stark contrast to Sir Keldorn's stoic greeting and Anomen's barely contained energy. If Jaheira can't see it, then maybe I'm imagining it. And if that's the case, then I *am* a fool to be losing sleep over it. Putting the thought aside, she asked him, "Shall we then?"

Yoshimo smiled. "Indeed, meian. Renal Bloodscalp is not a man to be kept waiting." As the group headed into the docks district, Yoshimo put his hand on Renai's back to guide her. She did her best to ignore the pulse that beat with her own.