It's been a long while since I've paid a visit to the A Strange World storyline. Usually I write these stories, of BG characters, races and other stuff in our world in our time, on a whim... and I have to admit that this is the longest whim-stories I've ever written. 3 parts in total. Oh, and there's a lot of references to the earlier part, Semi-Adult Leafwalker entertainment, which you can find here : "http://www.gamejag.net/index.php?name=PNphpBB2&file=viewtopic&t=72407". This story is a bit risque, for obvious reasons, but I hope that won't stop you.
Also, I'd like to thank Laufey for letting me borrow some of her characters for a bit. I promise you they were returned safe and sound. Hope you like it. Beware some horrible puns in this first part.
A Strange World : Living on the Edge 1 of 3
Viconia was more than just a little miffed. She took a sip from her coffee, her ninth cup today, and resumed grading the exams.
"And the students complain about exam-weeks," Viconia thought. "At least they don't have to keep grading this crap." She signed another 'D+' with a flourish and put it on top the growing pile in her inbox on her desk in her office.
With any luck, she'd be finished a bit before she had to pick up Vierna from baseball-practice, and have some time to spare to clean up her office for a bit. The 12 meters squared she called her office was adjacent to the teacher's lounge of the art department. There was clutter everywhere, ranging from some of Vierna's toys to posters of art gatherings long in the past to teaching material strewn around the room. Cleaning the office was way overdue.
Next to her polished triangular nameplate which proudly read 'Dr. Viconia DeVir, PhD', stood an oddly shaped baked clay hulk that was painted in all the colors of the rainbow and read 'Best Mom in the World' in irregular shaped clay letters lain. Viconia had her doubts about its purpose, even though Vierna seemed to be convinced it was an ash-tray.
"Joneleth?" Viconia called from her office. "Can I get last week's attendance-list?"
There was no answer. Viconia sighed and continued grading. Annoyed, she finally put her pen down again and called for Joneleth again. There was no answer.
After slugging the rest of her coffee down her throat, she went in search of Joneleth... and a new cup of coffee from the teacher's lounge. When she entered the lounge, she was surprised by the sight of Joneleth and Valen hanging out of the window.
"What's going on?" Viconia asked while she got a refill at the coffee-maker.
"Look outside," Joneleth said. Viconia did so, and blinked when she saw a few vans parks just outside the art department. Several people, most of them female, were carrying setpieces and lights into the faculty building, and there was more than a few students... all male... all fratboys... gathered around. It was then when Viconia noticed the logo of Blue Dragon Productions at the side of the vans.
"Oh, no, not here," Viconia sighed. But then, a very familiar harley came to a stop with on top of it, a very familiar moon elf dressed in a leather jacket and sunglasses. Much to the cheers of the fratboys, Laska Leafwalker dismounted her harley and strolled inside.
"Yes," Joneleth said. "They're going to film a porn-movie right next to our lounge, in the oratorium."
"Next to my office," Viconia blanched.
"Tsk, tsk," Valen sighed. "It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV."
Joneleth nodded. "But where are those good, old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?"
"Don't look at me, you're the family guy," Valen retorted. "Well, except for that time when you beat up that fat dude."
"I won't apologize for that!" Joneleth spat. "I moved out of Quahog to get away from middle-aged, stupid fat guys, especially after the... incident."
***
Joneleth stepped out of his house, heading to the garage to get his car and calmly drive to his peaceful workplace... when he suddenly found himself underneath a car.
"Oh, geez, I'm so sorry! I didn't see you," said the middle-aged fat man as he stepped out of his car. "This, um, isn't my driveway again, is it? Damn, third time this week. So, um... how's the femur? Oh, no, no, don't get up. Geez, both are shattered this time, huh? So, uh... Lois really doesn't have to know about this, because this is the second time this week I lost the bumper and had to get all the bloodstains removed from the windshield. Alright? Deal? Just nod and groan and we have a deal... Okay, just groan in agony like that if you agree... Deal? Ah, that's SWEET! See you later, neighbor, I might need to borrow your lawnmower."
The fat man ran into the car, backed up over Joneleth again and raced away.
***
"Ahum," sounded from the door as dean of arts Edwin Odesseiron strolled in, wearing his usual red blazer and clipboard.
"How could you do this?" Viconia said. "JFK once held a speech in that Oratorium!"
"Oh, yes?" Edwin said. "And where is he now, hm? (Still suffering from a severe bout of lead poisoning, no doubt. And let's not forget his brain's in a jar somewhere in Area 51. Tsk, tsk, remind me never to run for president.)"
"Let me guess," Viconia sighed. "Money..."
"Oh, yes," Edwin grinned. "Laska is paying the department of Art a handsome sum of money, all of 10000 dollars! But there's an even bigger gain. Publicity! (These simians have no feelings for the skillful art that is playing to the dumb six-pack drinking masses)."
"Uh," Valen said. "I'm not sure we want this kind of publicity."
"Oh, I beg to differ," Edwin sneered. "Just imagine the exposure our school will get when prospective students learn that our department was used to film the final scene in the conclusion of Laska Leafwalker's epic trilogy, The Coming of The King. (Why, horny students will be drawn to our school like flies to honey, and once they're through the door, they are TRAPPED here! HAH!)"
"Oh, come on!" Joneleth sighed.
"Don't act all high and mighty," Edwin said. "The only difference between your student's art-films and ms Leafwalker's movies is a federal grant!"
Viconia heard some hammering coming from her office. Apparently, Edwin had seen her head snap in the direction of her office, because he turned to Viconia. "That's just the crew turning the oratorium into the throneroom of Minas Dickith, where the fellowship with hold their calibration orgy after the fall of Suckron."
"How interesting that you know the parody names Laska uses by heart, Edwin," Joneleth winked.
Valen blinked. "An orgy? Uh, that wasn't in the book, was it?"
"Check FanFiction.net," Edwin sneered. "This film has a more women than the book... or the fanfics, for that matter. (I still shudder whenever I think of that story. If I was Legolas, I'd kill myself by shoving a blunt object in my eyesocket.)"
---
"Okay," Laska called from the director's chair, wearing her shorts and her sunglasses. The camera's were set and the lights were placed. The sets were still being worked on, but parts of the King's bedroom were done already. "We'll do the scene with Vixxxen first," she nodded to the leather-clad half-dragon who had folded her wings around her body.
"Alright," spoke one of the halfling actors. "What's my motivation for this?"
Laska nodded. "Okay, well, your character, Piprick, confronts the evil Witch-Queen on the fields of Pelinnor, but the two of them realize that they'd rather be having steamy sex while the battle rages among them. So, basically, your motivation is that you want to get laid. In several enticing positions."
"Brilliant!" smiled the halfling.
"I don't see this in the script," Vixxxen flipped through the pages.
"No, it's for the Extended Edition," Laska smiled. "Don't worry, it'll go fine this time. Trust me, I really don't want to go through all that crap I go when I cut Sarucock's scene. The fans gave me hell about that one."
At that moment, one of the set-dressers, a burly dwarf wearing a toolbelt, walked in and approached Laska. "Ms. Leafwalker, we've completed work on the outside set."
"Ah, great," Laska grinned. "I'll go check it out later when we're done with Vixxxen's scene."
"What's that scene about, Las?" Vixxxen asked.
"Oh, it's the scene on the oliphaunt's back," Laska said. "The one where Eowyn the Horn-maiden and Ar-wench the elfmaid are stuck on the enemy oliphaunt's back, death and destruction around them, and they realize that they might die... and fulfill a secret desire. But, seriously, Ar-wench? Who thinks up these names?"
"Tolkien, wasn't it?" Vixxxen said and looked at the first page of the script. "Oh, not, it's based on Tolkien's work but actually written by a guy called I.C. Wiener. Hey, maybe this work's just too racy so Tolkien used a pseudonym or something."
"OY! CLOSED SET!" called the half-orc actor Cockney in a thick british accent as four people entered the room, one of which Laska immediately recognized.’
"Viconia?!" Laska smiled. "I didn't know you worked here."
Before Viconia could respond, she and her friends were actually shoved aside by the eager Edwin, who graciously shook Laska's hand. "So glad you're here, miss Leafwalker. And can I just say that it is an honor for our school to have a directing talent such as yourself in our minds. (And I can definitely see two of her greatest talents in that tight shirt of hers.)"
"I certainly hope so with the amount of money I'm paying you to be allowed to shoot here," Laska winked. "20000 dollars opens a lot of doors, I guess."
"20000 dollars?" Joneleth narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
"(Oh, how can I get those pedantic simians off my back?) I had to subtract my administrative and finders fee, obviously. (Yes, that will do nicely.)"
"But no matter, this is a big and highly anticipated production," Laska said. "Every hardcore wanker in the country is waiting for the ending of the trilogy."
"Are you reprising your role as Ar-wench? It is such a delight to see you come out of retirement to do this one spectacular part," Edwin said.
"You better believe it!" Laska grinned. "Cameo's are a director's prerogative, after all. So, as soon as Viconia's pulled herself off the floor, we'll start... Ah, how's Vierna, by the way?"
"She is well, thank you for asking," Viconia replied. "How are Rose and the kids?"
"Couldn't be better," Laska grinned. "Beryl got into the honor student list. It's getting harder to hide from them what I'm doing for a living now, though, since I tend to stand out like a sore thumb at the PTA meetings these days. It certainly makes for interesting conversations with the other parents. So, what do you do? I'm a fireman. And you? I'm a cop. And you? Managing director. And you, Laska? Well, I used to star in them, but now I only direct pornos for my own production company."
"Adult Entertainment!" Vixxxen hissed through her teeth.
"Sorry, sorry, sheesh," Laska chuckled. "We'll just film Vixxxen's scene first and then move on to scene three, with Eowyn and FaraSchlong, and then the final scene with the orgy and stuff. Yo, Mike, has she shown up yet?"
Mike, the burly camera mod simply said 'no'.
"You haven't even looked."
"No."
"Who are you waiting for? Jack Chick to smite you down for peddling your smut?" Valen asked.
"Nope," Laska grinned. "Courteousy of Vixxxen," she nodded to the half-dragon dominatrix, "I am now in the possession of a certain video-tape that'll make sure Jack Chick will never tract me, my friends or my company ever again. Seriously, you don't know the half about what perversities that guy's into."
"Why am I not surprised?" Viconia rolled her eyes.
"Religious right guys love women with horns," Vixxxen winked. "And wings... and a tail," she said, flicking her dragon-esque yet femininely spiked tail behind her back.
"I'm waiting for the new girl I cast for the role of Eowyn the Horn-maid," Laska said. "She's nice and enthusiastic... Eager to try new things. I think she'll do well in the film. But, oh, well," Laska said and picked up her bullhorn. "Okay, camera-crew and pornstars, let's get ready to film!"
All the stars turned towards Laska, giving her an icy stare.
"Alright, alright," Laska countered. "Adult Entertainers, sheesh."
"Clear the set," Edwin said. "Don't worry, miss Leafwalker, I shall remove these bumpkins out of your hair. (That should impress her suitably. Oh, yes, it shall.)"
"Uh, Laska," Viconia began. "I, uh, my office is right next to that bed. Uhm, could you perhaps... wait till I'm gone?"
Laska shrugged apologetically. "I'm sorry, Viconia, but Adult Entertainment waits for no man... or woman, in this case. I paid a lot of money to rent this place and I'd rather make every penny count."
Viconia nodded for a moment.
"Alright, apes! This way!" ordered Eddie.
"Okay, people, let's film some POR... Uh," Laska caught herself. "ADULT ENTERTAINMENT!"
---
Still grading papers, and trying to ignore the sounds that were coming from the other side of the wall, Viconia kept grading the exams, but was frustrated that the distractions had slowed down her progress.
And when she heard the obvious sounds of bedposts ramming against the wall, she knew that Laska's new starlet had arrived.
The thumping increased steadily, but Viconia managed to block it out. That was, until...
"EEK!"
Viconia raised an eyebrow and looked at the wall, while the thumping continued.
"Eek... Eek... Eek... Eek... Eek... Eek..."
Feeling slightly embarrassed, Viconia continued grading.
"MAKE A WOMAN OUT OF MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" came a climatic scream too loud and horrendously annoying to ignore.
'Oh, that's IT!' Viconia took out her red pen and graded the remaining 6 papers in less than a second. 'F... F... F... F... F... F... Screw you guys, I'm going home!'
That's part one. Next part will be posted soon. Thanks for reading.
---Weyoun.
