Jump to content


Photo

Cards Reshuffled 263


  • Please log in to reply
16 replies to this topic

#1 Laufey

Posted 27 August 2005 - 07:31 AM

Disclaimer: Contains blatant Red Dwarf references.


Cards Reshuffled 263 – All Alone, More Or Less

Every time your main warrior lets a monster slip past him, every time your healer flips out and heals the wrong person, every time your mage fireballs a party of deadly fire giants, every time your thief gets himself killed over trying to pickpocket a disguised Archmage – rejoice. For the fact of the matter is, there’s always at least one adventuring party more dysfunctional than your own.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’


“Aaaarrrgggghhh!” Zaerini screamed, as she felt herself pressed flat to the floor by the acceleration of the Planar Sphere. There was the horrible sensation that her insides were about to come spewing out through her mouth and that her lungs were being pushed into her nose. Red roses and shooting stars flickered past her streaming eyes, and there was a loud whistling noise in her ears. Finally, it stopped, and she simply lay there, trying to catch her breath. The Sphere had come to a halt…or at least she hoped it had.

“Hellkitten? How are you feeling?” Edwin was gathering her into his arms, and there was a very worried look in his dark eyes as he bent over her.

“I’ll…live, I guess,” she said, managing a faint grin. “Where are we?”

“Ask the gnome,” Jaheira growled. “He is the one who brought us here, after all.”

Jan got to his feet and brushed himself off, looking completely unabashed. “Well, that was interesting, wasn’t it?” he asked. “Wonder how it does that…I’d love to tinker with these engines for a bit.”

“Jan…”

“Oh, where we are? Easy to find out, easy as pie.” He scampered off towards the map room. “We’ll just check this handy little thing in here and…er…” There was silence.

“Jan?” Rini called out, following the gnome. “What’s wrong?” As she entered, she found her friend staring at the magical map, a rather sickly and pale look on his face. She followed his gaze, and then she knew why. The map no longer showed Athkatla, but she had expected that much. However, nothing could have prepared her for what she saw. Dark plains and mountains, bubbling crevices of hot lava, patches of ground that twisted and moved, displaying agonized faces with silently screaming mouths. And there were…things…moving around. Some were huge and scaly, with so many sharp bits all over that she couldn’t see which part was the head. If there was a head. There were slimy, slick creatures, spindly hairy ones, and some that looked almost human. Those were the worst.

“Helm’s mercy…” Anomen breathed. “Where in the Abyss are we?”

“Um…” Jan said. “Funny you should say that, really.”

-*-

Some time later, once everybody, including Jaheira and Edwin, had managed to quiet down again and stop shouting at Jan, they decided to press on. The exit door was now locked, so even if they had wanted to go explore the Abyss, they couldn’t have. It also seemed entirely impossible to plot a new course and get the Sphere started again. However, the door that had been locked before was now open.

“Wherever we may be,” Valygar stated, “Lavok waits ahead. “And Lavok is whom I have come for.”

“I suppose you have a point there,” Rini said. “And it’s not as if we have much of a choice about where to go, other than forward.” She went ahead, following a short tunnel that ended before another door, and then reached out her hand to open it. All it took was a light touch, and the door slid noiselessly open, revealing a round room, with a round table. Around that table sat three men, who looked up with surprise as they saw her.

Apart from being male, and wearing the swords, armors and tabards of knights, the trio couldn’t have looked more dissimilar. The one to the left was rather short, had a round face, a cheeky grin that reminded Rini of Jan, and had his hair tied into a multitude of little braids like Valygar’s. His armor was more than a little rusty, and horribly stained with what at first she took to be acid. Then she saw that he was eating something green, bubbling and sharp-smelling out of a paper box, and realized that the stains had to be some kind of food. Either that or he’s a dragon in disguise. If even the smell of that stuff makes my eyes tear, I don’t want to know what it tastes like.

The second knight was quite tall, with short and curly brown hair, flaring nostrils and armor so polished it gleamed like the sun. At the sight of the approaching strangers, he leapt from his chair like a startled rabbit, and disappeared under the table so fast that Rini’s eyes could barely follow him.

As for the third and final knight, he was as dark-skinned as Valygar, had his hair puffed into a wild and somehow leonine hairdo, and when he launched a dazzling smile at the half-elf she noticed that his teeth could best be described as fangs. Also, the way he had his legs casually placed on the table fairly screamed ‘Look at me!’.

In the corner was another golem, a human-sized iron one, with a very ugly square head. It was dusting one of the bunk beds along the walls, and had apparently been doing that for some time, since it had worn a hole through the blanket. “Oh, my goodness!” it said, as it turned towards the party. “Guests! And I haven’t even finished vacuuming the floor yet!” It opened a compartment in its stomach, took out a long rubber hose, attached it to its groin, and cleaned away, sucking dust up through the hose accompanied by a loud buzzing sound.

“Not in public, mate!” the scruffy knight admonished the golem. He coughed, spewing bits of corrosive green food over the table. Then he waved at the party. “Cheers. Anybody fancy a curry? Those rabid little halflings sure cook a mean one…”

“Forget about that, monkey!” the fanged knight said, grinning appreciatively at Jaheira and Zaerini. “They’ve got females!” He started strutting across the floor, wriggling his hips. “Ooooh, I’m gonna get you, little kitties…urk.” The last was caused by Anomen’s Hold spell freezing him in place at the same time that Edwin singed half his hair off with a thick jet of flame.

“See? SEE!” a shrill voice said from under the table. “I told you they were aliens, I told you so! And now they’ll abduct us with glittery green stun-rays that freeze us in place, and take us into their ship and ram giant pineapples up our…”

“Oh, shut the smeg up, Bummer, you sad git,” the scruffy knight said, rolling his eyes. “They’re not aliens. Whenever we meet aliens, they always try to enslave us or suck our brains out.”

“It’s ‘illithids’, not ‘aliens’, you ignorant monkey,” Edwin sneered. “And illithids we are not, and neither, I am sorry to say, are you. (Tentacles would obscure his imbecilic features quite nicely.)”

“You know,” Bummer thoughtfully said as he peered out from behind the table, “that’s what I’ve always thought as well. Can you imagine having to look at that every day, especially when he’s biting his utterly disgusting toenails. Or when he’s eating his utterly disgusting halfling curries. Not to mention his complete and total disregard for proper procedure!”

Anomen looked shocked. “But you are knights! Following proper procedure is what we…er…they…do.”

“Exactly! ‘Blaster’, I’ll tell him, ‘Solamnian Knights Directive number 33489 clearly states that all loot found on enemy corpses should be given to the highest ranking knight present, especially if said loot includes any new girly magazines that said highest ranking knight doesn’t have, and particularly if Erotica The Elf Queen is the centerfold’. But that disrespectful little gimboid just…”

The iron golem cleared its throat. “Actually, sir, number 33489 says ‘Any knights caught sniffing armor polish in the mess will be punished by being hung naked by their toes above a pit of playful tigers.’”

“Look, who are you guys anyway?” Rini tried.

“Solamnian Knights,” Blaster said, grinning at her. “The only ones alive…well, the only ones alive in this place, anyway. We’re all alone…more or less. No idea how far from home we are, really, we’ve been tryin’ to get back for a long time.”

“Estimated distance – five million lightyears, three thousand dimensions and two insane plot writers,” the bored and slightly metallic voice that had conducted the countdown said from a metal grill in the wall.

“Oh, shut the smeg up, nobody asked you,” Bummer said. “We wouldn’t even be lost out here if somebody hadn’t had the brilliant idea of accidentally launching the Sphere.” He gave the fanged knight an accusing look.

“And then we wouldn’t be forced to hang with you, Mr World’s Most Charismatic Man,” Blaster scoffed. He turned to the party. “Y’know, he actually managed to kill the pet goldfish we had in here by reciting the Solamnian Knights Directives to them. They committed collective suicide, all of them jumped out of the bowl and choked to death.”

“All this is very fascinating, I’m sure,” Valygar said, “But I’m looking for Lavok the Necromancer. I mean to kill him. Have you seen him around?”

The lost knights looked at each other.”Yeah,” Blaster said in a quiet voice. “Only, first I think we’d better tell you what you’re up against.”



Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.
Rogues do it from behind.

#2 Guest_Shian_*

Posted 27 August 2005 - 07:56 AM

Yay! I'm the first reviewer! Probably cuz I’m one of the few up at 2 in the morn… LOL!

“Forget about that, monkey!” the fanged knight said, grinning appreciatively at Jaheira and Zaerini. “They’ve got females!” He started strutting across the floor, wriggling his hips. “Ooooh, I’m gonna get you, little kitties…urk.” The last was caused by Anomen’s Hold spell freezing him in place at the same time that Edwin singed half his hair off with a thick jet of flame.

Protective, protective… :twisted:

“See? SEE!” a shrill voice said from under the table. “I told you they were aliens, I told you so! And now they’ll abduct us with glittery green stun-rays that freeze us in place, and take us into their ship and ram giant pineapples up our…”

Um… I think you’ve already been abducted, mate.

“Estimated distance – five million lightyears, three thousand dimensions and two insane plot writers,” the bored and slightly metallic voice that had conducted the countdown said from a metal grill in the wall.

Hehehehe

Welcome back Laufey! :shock: we missed you!

#3 Laufey

Posted 27 August 2005 - 09:04 AM

Yay! I'm the first reviewer! Probably cuz I’m one of the few up at 2 in the morn… LOL!


Oh dear - now off to bed. :shock:

“Forget about that, monkey!” the fanged knight said, grinning appreciatively at Jaheira and Zaerini. “They’ve got females!” He started strutting across the floor, wriggling his hips. “Ooooh, I’m gonna get you, little kitties…urk.” The last was caused by Anomen’s Hold spell freezing him in place at the same time that Edwin singed half his hair off with a thick jet of flame.

Protective, protective… :twisted:


Oh yes indeed. :)

“See? SEE!” a shrill voice said from under the table. “I told you they were aliens, I told you so! And now they’ll abduct us with glittery green stun-rays that freeze us in place, and take us into their ship and ram giant pineapples up our…”

Um… I think you’ve already been abducted, mate.


So, maybe he'll get even more abducted!

“Estimated distance – five million lightyears, three thousand dimensions and two insane plot writers,” the bored and slightly metallic voice that had conducted the countdown said from a metal grill in the wall.

Hehehehe


Welcome back Laufey! :twisted: we missed you!


Thank you! :twisted:
Rogues do it from behind.

#4 Guest_Theodur_*

Posted 27 August 2005 - 11:30 AM

Disclaimer: Contains blatant Red Dwarf references.


I suppose I should make a mental note to watch this show at the first opportunity, yes?

“Ask the gnome,” Jaheira growled. “He is the one who brought us here, after all.”


Jan got to his feet and brushed himself off, looking completely unabashed. “Well, that was interesting, wasn’t it?” he asked. “Wonder how it does that…I’d love to tinker with these engines for a bit.”


“Jan…”


Funny that the only time that Jan gets the blame, it’s not really his fault at all. :)

“Jan?” Rini called out, following the gnome. “What’s wrong?” As she entered, she found her friend staring at the magical map, a rather sickly and pale look on his face. She followed his gaze, and then she knew why. The map no longer showed Athkatla, but she had expected that much. However, nothing could have prepared her for what she saw. Dark plains and mountains, bubbling crevices of hot lava, patches of ground that twisted and moved, displaying agonized faces with silently screaming mouths. And there were…things…moving around. Some were huge and scaly, with so many sharp bits all over that she couldn’t see which part was the head. If there was a head. There were slimy, slick creatures, spindly hairy ones, and some that looked almost human. Those were the worst.


Hmm, maybe it’s that layer of Abyss… tell me Rini, do you see any fiendish beavers around?

“Helm’s mercy…” Anomen breathed. “Where in the Abyss are we?”


LOL! Do you want an exact address, Ano? :shock:

“Not in public, mate!” the scruffy knight admonished the golem. He coughed, spewing bits of corrosive green food over the table. Then he waved at the party. “Cheers. Anybody fancy a curry? Those rabid little halflings sure cook a mean one…”


Err… charming fellows, these three, I am sure… :twisted:

“Forget about that, monkey!” the fanged knight said, grinning appreciatively at Jaheira and Zaerini. “They’ve got females!” He started strutting across the floor, wriggling his hips. “Ooooh, I’m gonna get you, little kitties…urk.” The last was caused by Anomen’s Hold spell freezing him in place at the same time that Edwin singed half his hair off with a thick jet of flame.


Heh heh… someone’s being protective there… :shock:

“See? SEE!” a shrill voice said from under the table. “I told you they were aliens, I told you so! And now they’ll abduct us with glittery green stun-rays that freeze us in place, and take us into their ship and ram giant pineapples up our…”


Oy! Well, at least there won’t be any tentacles involved! :twisted:

“Exactly! ‘Blaster’, I’ll tell him, ‘Solamnian Knights Directive number 33489 clearly states that all loot found on enemy corpses should be given to the highest ranking knight present, especially if said loot includes any new girly magazines that said highest ranking knight doesn’t have, and particularly if Erotica The Elf Queen is the centerfold’. But that disrespectful little gimboid just…”


It sounds like this reader would really appreciate the fine erotica in the Elfporn Book. :shock:

“And then we wouldn’t be forced to hang with you, Mr World’s Most Charismatic Man,” Blaster scoffed. He turned to the party. “Y’know, he actually managed to kill the pet goldfish we had in here by reciting the Solamnian Knights Directives to them. They committed collective suicide, all of them jumped out of the bowl and choked to death.”


Sounds like something Anomen would enjoy, though. :twisted:

“All this is very fascinating, I’m sure,” Valygar said, “But I’m looking for Lavok the Necromancer. I mean to kill him. Have you seen him around?”


The lost knights looked at each other.”Yeah,” Blaster said in a quiet voice. “Only, first I think we’d better tell you what you’re up against.”


More insanity to follow, of course! :twisted:

Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.


And a perfect opportunity to include some very gruesome descriptions, I am sure! :shock:

#5 Laufey

Posted 27 August 2005 - 12:50 PM

Disclaimer: Contains blatant Red Dwarf references.


I suppose I should make a mental note to watch this show at the first opportunity, yes?


You certainly should! :)



“Jan?” Rini called out, following the gnome. “What’s wrong?” As she entered, she found her friend staring at the magical map, a rather sickly and pale look on his face. She followed his gaze, and then she knew why. The map no longer showed Athkatla, but she had expected that much. However, nothing could have prepared her for what she saw. Dark plains and mountains, bubbling crevices of hot lava, patches of ground that twisted and moved, displaying agonized faces with silently screaming mouths. And there were…things…moving around. Some were huge and scaly, with so many sharp bits all over that she couldn’t see which part was the head. If there was a head. There were slimy, slick creatures, spindly hairy ones, and some that looked almost human. Those were the worst.


Hmm, maybe it’s that layer of Abyss… tell me Rini, do you see any fiendish beavers around?


Vadrak Dekaras: Never mind the beavers. It's the energetic elves one should always be on guard against.



“Not in public, mate!” the scruffy knight admonished the golem. He coughed, spewing bits of corrosive green food over the table. Then he waved at the party. “Cheers. Anybody fancy a curry? Those rabid little halflings sure cook a mean one…”


Err… charming fellows, these three, I am sure… :twisted:


They are - they just take a little while getting used to. :shock:


“Forget about that, monkey!” the fanged knight said, grinning appreciatively at Jaheira and Zaerini. “They’ve got females!” He started strutting across the floor, wriggling his hips. “Ooooh, I’m gonna get you, little kitties…urk.” The last was caused by Anomen’s Hold spell freezing him in place at the same time that Edwin singed half his hair off with a thick jet of flame.


Heh heh… someone’s being protective there… :shock:


Yep. :twisted:



“Exactly! ‘Blaster’, I’ll tell him, ‘Solamnian Knights Directive number 33489 clearly states that all loot found on enemy corpses should be given to the highest ranking knight present, especially if said loot includes any new girly magazines that said highest ranking knight doesn’t have, and particularly if Erotica The Elf Queen is the centerfold’. But that disrespectful little gimboid just…”


It sounds like this reader would really appreciate the fine erotica in the Elfporn Book. :twisted:


Oh yes. :shock:



The lost knights looked at each other.”Yeah,” Blaster said in a quiet voice. “Only, first I think we’d better tell you what you’re up against.”


More insanity to follow, of course! :twisted:


Of course!

Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.


And a perfect opportunity to include some very gruesome descriptions, I am sure! :shock:


Absolutely. :shock: Consider yourself warned.
Rogues do it from behind.

#6 Guest_AlphaMonkey_*

Posted 27 August 2005 - 07:31 PM

Disclaimer: Contains blatant Red Dwarf references.


Which will be completely lost on me.

For the fact of the matter is, there’s always at least one adventuring party more dysfunctional than your own.


i.e. The one you just killed.

“Wonder how it does that…I’d love to tinker with these engines for a bit.”


I wouldn't trust Jan to get the physics of interstellar/hyperspace mechanics right. In fact, I don't even trust him to get the physics of frying an egg in a skillet right.

“We’ll just check this handy little thing in here and…er…”


Carter: "Sir, the navigational computer doesn't recognize any of the nearby stars... but by my best guess, we're approximately 4000 light years from Earth."

O'Neill: "Ok, how does that help us?"

Carter: "Uh... it really doesn't, sir..."

“Helm’s mercy…” Anomen breathed. “Where in the Abyss are we?”


(Elevator bell dings)

"Sixty sixth floor, women's lingerie and hellspawn! Thank you for shopping Abyss-mart, have a screamin' day!"

Then she saw that he was eating something green, bubbling and sharp-smelling out of a paper box, and realized that the stains had to be some kind of food.


I never would have figured the Knights of Solamnia as fans of bad, take-out Chinese.

‘Solamnian Knights Directive number 33489 clearly states that all loot found on enemy corpses should be given to the highest ranking knight present, especially if said loot includes any new girly magazines that said highest ranking knight doesn’t have, and particularly if Erotica The Elf Queen is the centerfold’.


I'm reminded of a bit from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

Emergency Services Dispatcher: "This is Radio Control, whoever took the captain's magazines better make themselves known. Those magazines are for investigative purposes only."

Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.


Fun with leather. :twisted:

#7 Weyoun

Posted 27 August 2005 - 09:34 PM

Jan got to his feet and brushed himself off, looking completely unabashed. “Well, that was interesting, wasn’t it?” he asked. “Wonder how it does that…I’d love to tinker with these engines for a bit.”


Hell no! :twisted:

“Helm’s mercy…” Anomen breathed. “Where in the Abyss are we?”


“Um…” Jan said. “Funny you should say that, really.”


*snicker* Better hope you haven't landed on top of Fifi's herb garden. You know how he gets when he's waving that rod about. :shock:

Apart from being male, and wearing the swords, armors and tabards of knights, the trio couldn’t have looked more dissimilar. The one to the left was rather short, had a round face, a cheeky grin that reminded Rini of Jan, and had his hair tied into a multitude of little braids like Valygar’s. His armor was more than a little rusty, and horribly stained with what at first she took to be acid. Then she saw that he was eating something green, bubbling and sharp-smelling out of a paper box, and realized that the stains had to be some kind of food. Either that or he’s a dragon in disguise. If even the smell of that stuff makes my eyes tear, I don’t want to know what it tastes like.


Could be worse. :) It could have been Dark Helmet, Colonel Saunders and President Skroob. :shock:

The second knight was quite tall, with short and curly brown hair, flaring nostrils and armor so polished it gleamed like the sun. At the sight of the approaching strangers, he leapt from his chair like a startled rabbit, and disappeared under the table so fast that Rini’s eyes could barely follow him.


No!!! No nostrils! *hides* :shock:

In the corner was another golem, a human-sized iron one, with a very ugly square head. It was dusting one of the bunk beds along the walls, and had apparently been doing that for some time, since it had worn a hole through the blanket. “Oh, my goodness!” it said, as it turned towards the party. “Guests! And I haven’t even finished vacuuming the floor yet!” It opened a compartment in its stomach, took out a long rubber hose, attached it to its groin, and cleaned away, sucking dust up through the hose accompanied by a loud buzzing sound.


Yep. Better pull out the ole groinal, then. :twisted:

“Not in public, mate!” the scruffy knight admonished the golem. He coughed, spewing bits of corrosive green food over the table. Then he waved at the party. “Cheers. Anybody fancy a curry? Those rabid little halflings sure cook a mean one…”


Chicken Vindaloo! :shock:

“See? SEE!” a shrill voice said from under the table. “I told you they were aliens, I told you so! And now they’ll abduct us with glittery green stun-rays that freeze us in place, and take us into their ship and ram giant pineapples up our…”


Arses! :shock:

“Exactly! ‘Blaster’, I’ll tell him, ‘Solamnian Knights Directive number 33489 clearly states that all loot found on enemy corpses should be given to the highest ranking knight present, especially if said loot includes any new girly magazines that said highest ranking knight doesn’t have, and particularly if Erotica The Elf Queen is the centerfold’. But that disrespectful little gimboid just…”


Laska : Erotica the Elf Queen? That sounds promising. :twisted:

The iron golem cleared its throat. “Actually, sir, number 33489 says ‘Any knights caught sniffing armor polish in the mess will be punished by being hung naked by their toes above a pit of playful tigers.’”


That sounds more likely. :shock:

“Estimated distance – five million lightyears, three thousand dimensions and two insane plot writers,” the bored and slightly metallic voice that had conducted the countdown said from a metal grill in the wall.


And there's Holly just to make it all complete. :twisted:

“And then we wouldn’t be forced to hang with you, Mr World’s Most Charismatic Man,” Blaster scoffed. He turned to the party. “Y’know, he actually managed to kill the pet goldfish we had in here by reciting the Solamnian Knights Directives to them. They committed collective suicide, all of them jumped out of the bowl and choked to death.”


Perfect! :shock:

Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.


Oooh, lovely!
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#8 Laufey

Posted 27 August 2005 - 11:27 PM

Disclaimer: Contains blatant Red Dwarf references.


Which will be completely lost on me.


Oh dear - you really should get aquained with this show. :twisted:


“Wonder how it does that…I’d love to tinker with these engines for a bit.”


I wouldn't trust Jan to get the physics of interstellar/hyperspace mechanics right. In fact, I don't even trust him to get the physics of frying an egg in a skillet right.


But sadly, he's the only vaguely mechanically inclined person they've got. :shock:

“Helm’s mercy…” Anomen breathed. “Where in the Abyss are we?”


(Elevator bell dings)


"Sixty sixth floor, women's lingerie and hellspawn! Thank you for shopping Abyss-mart, have a screamin' day!"


:twisted:

Then she saw that he was eating something green, bubbling and sharp-smelling out of a paper box, and realized that the stains had to be some kind of food.


I never would have figured the Knights of Solamnia as fans of bad, take-out Chinese.


Indian, but still good! :twisted:

Emergency Services Dispatcher: "This is Radio Control, whoever took the captain's magazines better make themselves known. Those magazines are for investigative purposes only."


:shock: :) :twisted:

Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.


Fun with leather. :shock:


In a manner of speaking. :shock:
Rogues do it from behind.

#9 Laufey

Posted 27 August 2005 - 11:31 PM


Jan got to his feet and brushed himself off, looking completely unabashed. “Well, that was interesting, wasn’t it?” he asked. “Wonder how it does that…I’d love to tinker with these engines for a bit.”


Hell no! :shock:


They might wind up...oh, I don't know...inside a sun. :)


“Helm’s mercy…” Anomen breathed. “Where in the Abyss are we?”



“Um…” Jan said. “Funny you should say that, really.”


*snicker* Better hope you haven't landed on top of Fifi's herb garden. You know how he gets when he's waving that rod about. :twisted:


Excitable. :shock:



The second knight was quite tall, with short and curly brown hair, flaring nostrils and armor so polished it gleamed like the sun. At the sight of the approaching strangers, he leapt from his chair like a startled rabbit, and disappeared under the table so fast that Rini’s eyes could barely follow him.


No!!! No nostrils! *hides* :shock:


Aw, I actually happen to think that Rimmer is very cute. :shock:


In the corner was another golem, a human-sized iron one, with a very ugly square head. It was dusting one of the bunk beds along the walls, and had apparently been doing that for some time, since it had worn a hole through the blanket. “Oh, my goodness!” it said, as it turned towards the party. “Guests! And I haven’t even finished vacuuming the floor yet!” It opened a compartment in its stomach, took out a long rubber hose, attached it to its groin, and cleaned away, sucking dust up through the hose accompanied by a loud buzzing sound.


Yep. Better pull out the ole groinal, then. :twisted:


Indeedy!


“Not in public, mate!” the scruffy knight admonished the golem. He coughed, spewing bits of corrosive green food over the table. Then he waved at the party. “Cheers. Anybody fancy a curry? Those rabid little halflings sure cook a mean one…”


Chicken Vindaloo! :shock:


Yummy yummy, down the tummy!


“See? SEE!” a shrill voice said from under the table. “I told you they were aliens, I told you so! And now they’ll abduct us with glittery green stun-rays that freeze us in place, and take us into their ship and ram giant pineapples up our…”


Arses! :shock:


:twisted:


“Exactly! ‘Blaster’, I’ll tell him, ‘Solamnian Knights Directive number 33489 clearly states that all loot found on enemy corpses should be given to the highest ranking knight present, especially if said loot includes any new girly magazines that said highest ranking knight doesn’t have, and particularly if Erotica The Elf Queen is the centerfold’. But that disrespectful little gimboid just…”


Laska : Erotica the Elf Queen? That sounds promising. :twisted:


Thought you'd approve. :shock:



“Estimated distance – five million lightyears, three thousand dimensions and two insane plot writers,” the bored and slightly metallic voice that had conducted the countdown said from a metal grill in the wall.


And there's Holly just to make it all complete. :shock:


Just so. :shock:


“And then we wouldn’t be forced to hang with you, Mr World’s Most Charismatic Man,” Blaster scoffed. He turned to the party. “Y’know, he actually managed to kill the pet goldfish we had in here by reciting the Solamnian Knights Directives to them. They committed collective suicide, all of them jumped out of the bowl and choked to death.”


Perfect! :shock:


Thanks! Never tried Red Dwarf parody before - I hope it's at least decent.


Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.


Oooh, lovely!


If you like leather. :wink:
Rogues do it from behind.

#10 Guest_Userunfriendly_*

Posted 28 August 2005 - 05:39 AM

Disclaimer: Contains blatant Red Dwarf references.


which is a good thing... :twisted:

Every time your main warrior lets a monster slip past him, every time your healer flips out and heals the wrong person, every time your mage fireballs a party of deadly fire giants, every time your thief gets himself killed over trying to pickpocket a disguised Archmage – rejoice. For the fact of the matter is, there’s always at least one adventuring party more dysfunctional than your own.


why do i get a feeling that weyoun might be persuaded to write a "Osbournes" version of the BG2 party??? :shock: :) :twisted:

“Aaaarrrgggghhh!” Zaerini screamed, as she felt herself pressed flat to the floor by the acceleration of the Planar Sphere. There was the horrible sensation that her insides were about to come spewing out through her mouth and that her lungs were being pushed into her nose. Red roses and shooting stars flickered past her streaming eyes, and there was a loud whistling noise in her ears. Finally, it stopped, and she simply lay there, trying to catch her breath. The Sphere had come to a halt…or at least she hoped it had.


sorta like a really BAD chiropractor session.. :P

Jan got to his feet and brushed himself off, looking completely unabashed. “Well, that was interesting, wasn’t it?” he asked. “Wonder how it does that…I’d love to tinker with these engines for a bit.”


“Jan…”


I keep wondering if i've violated some basic cosmic rule when i made my jan competant and made his inventions work... :shock:

“Jan?” Rini called out, following the gnome. “What’s wrong?” As she entered, she found her friend staring at the magical map, a rather sickly and pale look on his face. She followed his gaze, and then she knew why. The map no longer showed Athkatla, but she had expected that much. However, nothing could have prepared her for what she saw. Dark plains and mountains, bubbling crevices of hot lava, patches of ground that twisted and moved, displaying agonized faces with silently screaming mouths. And there were…things…moving around. Some were huge and scaly, with so many sharp bits all over that she couldn’t see which part was the head. If there was a head. There were slimy, slick creatures, spindly hairy ones, and some that looked almost human. Those were the worst.


those tenari with death gaze..paralysis...need free action spell or potion... :shock:

Some time later, once everybody, including Jaheira and Edwin, had managed to quiet down again and stop shouting at Jan, they decided to press on. The exit door was now locked, so even if they had wanted to go explore the Abyss, they couldn’t have. It also seemed entirely impossible to plot a new course and get the Sphere started again. However, the door that had been locked before was now open.


but...but...shouting at jan is such a fun thing to do... :twisted:

Apart from being male, and wearing the swords, armors and tabards of knights, the trio couldn’t have looked more dissimilar. The one to the left was rather short, had a round face, a cheeky grin that reminded Rini of Jan, and had his hair tied into a multitude of little braids like Valygar’s. His armor was more than a little rusty, and horribly stained with what at first she took to be acid. Then she saw that he was eating something green, bubbling and sharp-smelling out of a paper box, and realized that the stains had to be some kind of food. Either that or he’s a dragon in disguise. If even the smell of that stuff makes my eyes tear, I don’t want to know what it tastes like.


green curry...YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!! (now i'm hungry...)

The second knight was quite tall, with short and curly brown hair, flaring nostrils and armor so polished it gleamed like the sun. At the sight of the approaching strangers, he leapt from his chair like a startled rabbit, and disappeared under the table so fast that Rini’s eyes could barely follow him.


where is the "H" on his forehead?

In the corner was another golem, a human-sized iron one, with a very ugly square head. It was dusting one of the bunk beds along the walls, and had apparently been doing that for some time, since it had worn a hole through the blanket. “Oh, my goodness!” it said, as it turned towards the party. “Guests! And I haven’t even finished vacuuming the floor yet!” It opened a compartment in its stomach, took out a long rubber hose, attached it to its groin, and cleaned away, sucking dust up through the hose accompanied by a loud buzzing sound.


yech...that vacuum cleaner is...sicko...

“Not in public, mate!” the scruffy knight admonished the golem. He coughed, spewing bits of corrosive green food over the table. Then he waved at the party. “Cheers. Anybody fancy a curry? Those rabid little halflings sure cook a mean one…”


:shock: :shock: :shock: WHAT ARE THE INGREDIENTS FOR THAT CURRY!!!???

“See? SEE!” a shrill voice said from under the table. “I told you they were aliens, I told you so! And now they’ll abduct us with glittery green stun-rays that freeze us in place, and take us into their ship and ram giant pineapples up our…”


:lol: :lol: :lol: rimmer is such a smegging idiot...

“Oh, shut the smeg up, Bummer, you sad git,” the scruffy knight said, rolling his eyes. “They’re not aliens. Whenever we meet aliens, they always try to enslave us or suck our brains out.”


you have got to include a scene where rimmer is attacked by a mind flayer, and it spits out his head in disgust... :lol: :twisted:

Anomen looked shocked. “But you are knights! Following proper procedure is what we…er…they…do.”


dare i hope that anomen joins the knights on their journeys? or a torrid affair between rimmer and anomen?

Anomen: Oh yes, Bummer, tell me about the procedure for detaining evil sorcerors again!!! (flutters eyelashes)

Bummer: Why, my regulation following manly studmuffin, the procedure is Solamnian Knights Directive number 43566, which states that all evil sorcerors shall be "stripped and paddled until their buttocks are nice and red" prior to apprehension...

Anomen: Shall I be your... evil sorceror, Bummer? (more eyelash fluttering)

Iron Golem: Actually sir, regulation 43566 states that any subordinate licking the boots of a superior officer will use vertical tongue movements, rather than a horizontal tongue movements...

(OH GOD!!! did i just write that??? :shock: :shock: :shock: )

“Exactly! ‘Blaster’, I’ll tell him, ‘Solamnian Knights Directive number 33489 clearly states that all loot found on enemy corpses should be given to the highest ranking knight present, especially if said loot includes any new girly magazines that said highest ranking knight doesn’t have, and particularly if Erotica The Elf Queen is the centerfold’. But that disrespectful little gimboid just…”


:lol:

“Estimated distance – five million lightyears, three thousand dimensions and two insane plot writers,” the bored and slightly metallic voice that had conducted the countdown said from a metal grill in the wall.


nah...just one insane AND sadistic plot writer...

“And then we wouldn’t be forced to hang with you, Mr World’s Most Charismatic Man,” Blaster scoffed. He turned to the party. “Y’know, he actually managed to kill the pet goldfish we had in here by reciting the Solamnian Knights Directives to them. They committed collective suicide, all of them jumped out of the bowl and choked to death.”


ever seen "Amerlie" where mr. blubber tries to commit suicide?? :lol: :lol: :lol:

Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.


where is...the toaster?!!! :shock:

yay!!! :wink: :wink: :wink:

#11 Guest_Kulyok_*

Posted 28 August 2005 - 08:50 AM

“Aaaarrrgggghhh!” Zaerini screamed, as she felt herself pressed flat to the floor by the acceleration of the Planar Sphere. There was the horrible sensation that her insides were about to come spewing out through her mouth and that her lungs were being pushed into her nose. Red roses and shooting stars flickered past her streaming eyes, and there was a loud whistling noise in her ears. Finally, it stopped, and she simply lay there, trying to catch her breath. The Sphere had come to a halt…or at least she hoped it had.


Yerkkkk! Hmm, why do I get the feeling that when they will feed a demon heart to the Sphere engine, while standing on a fragile, narrow bridge, one of them will get himself thrown overboard, and it will be Jan? :twisted:

“Jan?” Rini called out, following the gnome. “What’s wrong?” As she entered, she found her friend staring at the magical map, a rather sickly and pale look on his face. She followed his gaze, and then she knew why. The map no longer showed Athkatla, but she had expected that much. However, nothing could have prepared her for what she saw. Dark plains and mountains, bubbling crevices of hot lava, patches of ground that twisted and moved, displaying agonized faces with silently screaming mouths. And there were…things…moving around. Some were huge and scaly, with so many sharp bits all over that she couldn’t see which part was the head. If there was a head. There were slimy, slick creatures, spindly hairy ones, and some that looked almost human. Those were the worst.


Ah, and a Pillar of Skulls somewhere over there! But Rini probably won't appreciate that: no magical treasure, only dust and demons. :twisted:

“Wherever we may be,” Valygar stated, “Lavok waits ahead. “And Lavok is whom I have come for.”


He-he, I like determined men! :twisted:

“Forget about that, monkey!” the fanged knight said, grinning appreciatively at Jaheira and Zaerini. “They’ve got females!” He started strutting across the floor, wriggling his hips. “Ooooh, I’m gonna get you, little kitties…urk.” The last was caused by Anomen’s Hold spell freezing him in place at the same time that Edwin singed half his hair off with a thick jet of flame.


Hey, you forgot Minsc! :twisted: What did he do?

“It’s ‘illithids’, not ‘aliens’, you ignorant monkey,” Edwin sneered. “And illithids we are not, and neither, I am sorry to say, are you. (Tentacles would obscure his imbecilic features quite nicely.)”


Sorry? Sorry to say? Edwin, not to slight your exceptional intellect and amazing prowess, but don't you remember that illithids have 90% magic resistance and very nasty bite?

“All this is very fascinating, I’m sure,” Valygar said, “But I’m looking for Lavok the Necromancer. I mean to kill him. Have you seen him around?”


Yes, *very* determined. :twisted:

Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.


But he won't get Viconia? No? Won't he? *hugs Viccy protectively*

It is very good to see you back, Laufey! :twisted: Though I'm afraid this chapter did not work for me as such - all the references made it a tad unrealistic... unfaerunistic... unedwinistic... well, you'd probably know what I mean. It's just me, of course.

#12 Laufey

Posted 28 August 2005 - 03:40 PM

“Aaaarrrgggghhh!” Zaerini screamed, as she felt herself pressed flat to the floor by the acceleration of the Planar Sphere. There was the horrible sensation that her insides were about to come spewing out through her mouth and that her lungs were being pushed into her nose. Red roses and shooting stars flickered past her streaming eyes, and there was a loud whistling noise in her ears. Finally, it stopped, and she simply lay there, trying to catch her breath. The Sphere had come to a halt…or at least she hoped it had.


Yerkkkk! Hmm, why do I get the feeling that when they will feed a demon heart to the Sphere engine, while standing on a fragile, narrow bridge, one of them will get himself thrown overboard, and it will be Jan? :twisted:


Well, you never know... :twisted:

“Jan?” Rini called out, following the gnome. “What’s wrong?” As she entered, she found her friend staring at the magical map, a rather sickly and pale look on his face. She followed his gaze, and then she knew why. The map no longer showed Athkatla, but she had expected that much. However, nothing could have prepared her for what she saw. Dark plains and mountains, bubbling crevices of hot lava, patches of ground that twisted and moved, displaying agonized faces with silently screaming mouths. And there were…things…moving around. Some were huge and scaly, with so many sharp bits all over that she couldn’t see which part was the head. If there was a head. There were slimy, slick creatures, spindly hairy ones, and some that looked almost human. Those were the worst.


Ah, and a Pillar of Skulls somewhere over there! But Rini probably won't appreciate that: no magical treasure, only dust and demons. :twisted:


Nah, and that Pillar is a dirty rotten scoundrel too!

“Wherever we may be,” Valygar stated, “Lavok waits ahead. “And Lavok is whom I have come for.”


He-he, I like determined men! :twisted:


Valygar is that all right - but he's also shortly about to run into trouble.

“Forget about that, monkey!” the fanged knight said, grinning appreciatively at Jaheira and Zaerini. “They’ve got females!” He started strutting across the floor, wriggling his hips. “Ooooh, I’m gonna get you, little kitties…urk.” The last was caused by Anomen’s Hold spell freezing him in place at the same time that Edwin singed half his hair off with a thick jet of flame.


Hey, you forgot Minsc! :twisted: What did he do?


Well, maybe I could write an extra sentence in. :twisted:

“It’s ‘illithids’, not ‘aliens’, you ignorant monkey,” Edwin sneered. “And illithids we are not, and neither, I am sorry to say, are you. (Tentacles would obscure his imbecilic features quite nicely.)”


Sorry? Sorry to say? Edwin, not to slight your exceptional intellect and amazing prowess, but don't you remember that illithids have 90% magic resistance and very nasty bite?


Nope. He's going strictly for insult factor here. :twisted:


Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.


But he won't get Viconia? No? Won't he? *hugs Viccy protectively*


Now that would be telling! :shock:

It is very good to see you back, Laufey! ;) Though I'm afraid this chapter did not work for me as such - all the references made it a tad unrealistic... unfaerunistic... unedwinistic... well, you'd probably know what I mean. It's just me, of course.


Fair enough - and the next chapter won't have them. The Planar Sphere will have many scifi references though, since I think the environment lends itself very well to that, what with being a dimension jumping device and all.
Rogues do it from behind.

#13 Laufey

Posted 28 August 2005 - 03:45 PM

Disclaimer: Contains blatant Red Dwarf references.


which is a good thing... :twisted:


Thanks! ;)


Every time your main warrior lets a monster slip past him, every time your healer flips out and heals the wrong person, every time your mage fireballs a party of deadly fire giants, every time your thief gets himself killed over trying to pickpocket a disguised Archmage – rejoice. For the fact of the matter is, there’s always at least one adventuring party more dysfunctional than your own.


why do i get a feeling that weyoun might be persuaded to write a "Osbournes" version of the BG2 party??? :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:


Entirely possible! I couldn't do it myself though, I've never watched that show.



Jan got to his feet and brushed himself off, looking completely unabashed. “Well, that was interesting, wasn’t it?” he asked. “Wonder how it does that…I’d love to tinker with these engines for a bit.”



“Jan…”


I keep wondering if i've violated some basic cosmic rule when i made my jan competant and made his inventions work... :shock:


Actually my Jan *is* pretty competent. He's just having some bad luck here.


“Jan?” Rini called out, following the gnome. “What’s wrong?” As she entered, she found her friend staring at the magical map, a rather sickly and pale look on his face. She followed his gaze, and then she knew why. The map no longer showed Athkatla, but she had expected that much. However, nothing could have prepared her for what she saw. Dark plains and mountains, bubbling crevices of hot lava, patches of ground that twisted and moved, displaying agonized faces with silently screaming mouths. And there were…things…moving around. Some were huge and scaly, with so many sharp bits all over that she couldn’t see which part was the head. If there was a head. There were slimy, slick creatures, spindly hairy ones, and some that looked almost human. Those were the worst.


those tenari with death gaze..paralysis...need free action spell or potion... ;)


Which they don't know, of course. :twisted:


Some time later, once everybody, including Jaheira and Edwin, had managed to quiet down again and stop shouting at Jan, they decided to press on. The exit door was now locked, so even if they had wanted to go explore the Abyss, they couldn’t have. It also seemed entirely impossible to plot a new course and get the Sphere started again. However, the door that had been locked before was now open.


but...but...shouting at jan is such a fun thing to do... :twisted:


It sure is. :D


Apart from being male, and wearing the swords, armors and tabards of knights, the trio couldn’t have looked more dissimilar. The one to the left was rather short, had a round face, a cheeky grin that reminded Rini of Jan, and had his hair tied into a multitude of little braids like Valygar’s. His armor was more than a little rusty, and horribly stained with what at first she took to be acid. Then she saw that he was eating something green, bubbling and sharp-smelling out of a paper box, and realized that the stains had to be some kind of food. Either that or he’s a dragon in disguise. If even the smell of that stuff makes my eyes tear, I don’t want to know what it tastes like.


green curry...YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!! (now i'm hungry...)


I *love* curries. :D


The second knight was quite tall, with short and curly brown hair, flaring nostrils and armor so polished it gleamed like the sun. At the sight of the approaching strangers, he leapt from his chair like a startled rabbit, and disappeared under the table so fast that Rini’s eyes could barely follow him.


where is the "H" on his forehead?


Couldn't figure out a good way to fit it in, I'm afraid. He's not exactly a hologram, you see.


In the corner was another golem, a human-sized iron one, with a very ugly square head. It was dusting one of the bunk beds along the walls, and had apparently been doing that for some time, since it had worn a hole through the blanket. “Oh, my goodness!” it said, as it turned towards the party. “Guests! And I haven’t even finished vacuuming the floor yet!” It opened a compartment in its stomach, took out a long rubber hose, attached it to its groin, and cleaned away, sucking dust up through the hose accompanied by a loud buzzing sound.


yech...that vacuum cleaner is...sicko...


Twisted and perverted. ;)


“Not in public, mate!” the scruffy knight admonished the golem. He coughed, spewing bits of corrosive green food over the table. Then he waved at the party. “Cheers. Anybody fancy a curry? Those rabid little halflings sure cook a mean one…”


;) ;) ;) WHAT ARE THE INGREDIENTS FOR THAT CURRY!!!???


It's a...secret.


“See? SEE!” a shrill voice said from under the table. “I told you they were aliens, I told you so! And now they’ll abduct us with glittery green stun-rays that freeze us in place, and take us into their ship and ram giant pineapples up our…”


:D :D :lol: rimmer is such a smegging idiot...


But cute and adorable! :D



Anomen looked shocked. “But you are knights! Following proper procedure is what we…er…they…do.”


dare i hope that anomen joins the knights on their journeys? or a torrid affair between rimmer and anomen?


Anomen: Oh yes, Bummer, tell me about the procedure for detaining evil sorcerors again!!! (flutters eyelashes)


Bummer: Why, my regulation following manly studmuffin, the procedure is Solamnian Knights Directive number 43566, which states that all evil sorcerors shall be "stripped and paddled until their buttocks are nice and red" prior to apprehension...


Anomen: Shall I be your... evil sorceror, Bummer? (more eyelash fluttering)


Iron Golem: Actually sir, regulation 43566 states that any subordinate licking the boots of a superior officer will use vertical tongue movements, rather than a horizontal tongue movements...


(OH GOD!!! did i just write that??? :D :D :D )


Yes. :twisted: And I quite enjoyed it too.



“Estimated distance – five million lightyears, three thousand dimensions and two insane plot writers,” the bored and slightly metallic voice that had conducted the countdown said from a metal grill in the wall.


nah...just one insane AND sadistic plot writer...


Flattered! :D


“And then we wouldn’t be forced to hang with you, Mr World’s Most Charismatic Man,” Blaster scoffed. He turned to the party. “Y’know, he actually managed to kill the pet goldfish we had in here by reciting the Solamnian Knights Directives to them. They committed collective suicide, all of them jumped out of the bowl and choked to death.”


ever seen "Amerlie" where mr. blubber tries to commit suicide?? :lol: :lol: :lol:


Nope, afraid not.


Next: Dekkie and Viconia - and a very nasty tanner.


where is...the toaster?!!! :D


Haven't worked that in...I might find a way, I suppose.

yay!!! :P :D :D


;)
Rogues do it from behind.

#14 Guest_Melle_*

Posted 29 August 2005 - 09:01 PM

Red Dwarf? Don't mind me, I'll just stare blanky in confusion over here. :twisted:

#15 Arcalian

Posted 29 August 2005 - 09:29 PM

*tickles the kitten's belly*

Eh Rini, just tell them to Smeg Off. But not until after you've trapped Jan with them for a couple days, first.

Eddie! Jaheira! You just agreed on something! The world is DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED! :twisted:

Red Dwarf is, of course, no Doctor Who. Not even the Davison era of Who. But amusing, nonetheless.

(well, okay, *maybe* the Davison era of Dr Who.)

Yay, more Vickie coming up! Dekkie, let Vickie kill tanner! Pleaaaaaaaaaase?!? Oh, don't worry, you can hurt him a bit first, just let her get in that final blow....
The road to the abyss may be paved with good intentions, but it is those with bad intentions that race down that road as fast as they can.

#16 Laufey

Posted 29 August 2005 - 10:20 PM

*tickles the kitten's belly*


*purrs* :twisted:

Eh Rini, just tell them to Smeg Off. But not until after you've trapped Jan with them for a couple days, first.


But I *like* them! :twisted:


Red Dwarf is, of course, no Doctor Who. Not even the Davison era of Who. But amusing, nonetheless.


Haven't watched Dr Who - but Red Dwarf is excellent, I think! At least the first 6 seasons, and one or two episodes of 7.

(well, okay, *maybe* the Davison era of Dr Who.)


Yay, more Vickie coming up! Dekkie, let Vickie kill tanner! Pleaaaaaaaaaase?!? Oh, don't worry, you can hurt him a bit first, just let her get in that final blow....


Ah, but you've forgotten...
Rogues do it from behind.

#17 Laufey

Posted 29 August 2005 - 10:20 PM

Red Dwarf? Don't mind me, I'll just stare blanky in confusion over here. :twisted:


You don't know Red Dwarf? For shame!
Rogues do it from behind.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users