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Tnt 180 : Streets on Fire


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#1 Weyoun

Posted 27 July 2005 - 04:55 PM

New Tnt is done. :twisted: This is a more light-hearted part after the Laska's Inferno arc. Back to the old slapstick. :twisted: Hope you like it.

 
Tnt 180 : Streets on Fire

The party had decided to stay in Riatavin an extra day before leaving. The Rhynn Lanthorn was secured inside Laska's Bag of Holding and ready for use. Even though the weather was still murderously hot, it did not deter the merchants outside of the inn from setting up the marketplace to sell their wares.

Even though Laska had managed to convince Keldorn to go to market with her soon to help her purchase ingredients for tonight's dinner, most of the party had elected to stay inside, in the cool common room of the inn. There it was quiet and cool.

Or at least it was quiet until a certain enthusiastic pink-haired mage entered the front door holding her new purchase.

"I got it! I got it!" Imoen bounced up and down as if on a tenfold sugar-rush. "I GOOOOTTTT IT!"

"The clap? HAR HAR!" Korgan roared before Laska rammed her elbow into his ribs, knocking the wind out of him.

"Finally, finally, it's been released!" Imoen said and pulled a book from her pouch. "Ladies and gentlemen, may I ask you, why was the printing press invented?"

"Schoolbooks? Beginner books in magic?" Dynaheir asked.

"Holy books? Philosophy? History?" Viconia offered.

"No, no, no, no, no!" Imoen said, being slightly annoyed. "Isn't that cute? BUT IT'S WRONG!"

Viconia grinned. "Subtle." Everybody caught the little exchange between Viconia and Imoen. It was little, a mere flicker of a subtle, but it shot through their eyes and filled the entire room with a bright radiance. More people at the inn noticed and smiled to themselves. In fact, the only one who hadn't noticed...

"Why's everyone gone quiet all of a sudden?" the oblivious Laska smirked. "Come on, what have you got."

Imoen fished a floppy book from her pouch. "This, my friends, is the long awaited sixth part of Danielle Wrought-Iron's famous 6 part massive series, which her fans so affectionately call the 'Rough Seas And Even Rougher Sex'-saga. Ah, romance on the high sees! And maybe we'll finally, finally find out which of the 15 pirates-suitors Ivanka Virtue-Free ends up with. Oh, sweet Sune, I hope it's that delicious Rod Stag! And let's hope that she finally defeats her evil rival Licka Screw-A-Lot."

"I don't even want to know," Dynaheir shook her head.

"You must be crazy," Minsc bellowed. "Rod Stag?! Gerard Ecordian is much better suited for her, right Boo?!"

Boo voiced his opinion with a sharp squeak.

"Ah, man," Imoen floated away for a few moments there. "I can just imagine such a tall, blonde, muscular hunk taking you in his arms, putting me down on the table and taking me roughly..."

Imoen's eyes fluttered open. "I, uh, said that out loud, didn't I?" she said when she noticed Laska narrowing her eyes, while Viconia gazed upon her with humor and approval etched on her face.

"If one of those clods gets near you, he'll be kissing his 'love-rocks' goodbye," Laska muttered.

Viconia snorted and patted Laska on the back. "Come on, she's 22 years old. A grown woman with needs, desires and a libido of her own."

Minsc, Dynaheir and Korgan looked around the room nervously for a moment. Imoen's sexuality was usually a risky topic around Laska. The kind of topic that would start barfights.

"Yeah, sure, some bloke pops in and gets her pregnant and leaves," Laska snarled. "I know the type."

"Ye should. Ye shag, em! HAR!"

"Exactly, thank you!" Laska nodded and pointed at Korgan. "See? That's how I know."

"If you'd just stop threatening to kill every man who looks at her, she'd get laid, will no longer need the romance novels and she'll stop reading choice parts to me when I'm trying to get some sleep," Viconia said.

Imoen shook her head. "Vic's right, you're a real mood killer, sis. Anyway, I'm going to enjoy this book now. Man, I can't wait! It even has a pink cover, wow, this book was made for me!"

At that moment, Jan strolled by and snatched the book from her hands. "Hmm, Danielle Wrought-Iron, huh? Worst writer of the Realms. Did you know she was married to my brother Fabio? 'Tis true, I tell you. Now, Fabio was always a rich bloke, since he made so much money doing nude modelling for turnip-sculptors, due to a peculiar shape of a certain part of his anatomy. But that's an aside. Anyway, they got married, but soon enough, Danielle was sleeping with the gardener, the pool-guy, my brother's lawyer, my brother's doctor, my brother's doctor's brother, the turnip-guy and, of course, the handsome mysterious stranger that lived in the woods next to the processing plant. A twist of fate was that all these men were muscle-bound, long-haired blonde hunks with zero braincells, so Danielle was having a heck of a time... Especially when that pirate-ship got stuck in the riverbank next to their house. The hunky, muscular blonde pirates were standing in line, apparently. Last time I heard, she was having a torrid love-affair with my brother's dentist's baker's friend's sister's cousin's wife's dungeon master's priest's god's fisherman with bouncing pecks! Still, the marriage didn't last."

"I wonder why," Minsc said. "It sounds like there's plenty of love in that marriage. Ahey."

"Too much sex and too little conversation," Jan sighed. "A real tragedy. Well, that and my brother found her in bed with a griffin."

Imoen's eyes boggled. "Wow, now I know where she drew her inspiration from."

"Poor Danielle. She died doing what she loved. Uh, well, maybe not at the last moment. There was this nasty accident while she was being orally pleasured by a minotaur and he... suddenly lurched forward. Nasty, that."

Upon hearing this, Dynaheir, Viconia and Laska collectively shuddered from sympathy pains.

"That's bullcrap," Imoen said. "Everybody knows that Danielle is still alive! She wrote this book, after all."

"Ah, but that's what the man wishes you to believe! Fight the man, Imoen!" Jan said. "This book is actually written by Fabio's mistress Lydia Lovelace."

"Jan," Imoen said. "This is your stupidest story yet. Now, excuse me while I go read this sexy pirate adventure on the high seas!"

"Okay," Laska said. "Now, I'll take Keldorn and the cart to do some shopping. I'll do the cooking tonight."

---

"I thought you were going to buy ingredients," Keldorn spoke bemused as he had returned from strolling along the market and found that Laska was hanging around the stand selling exercize equipment.

"I can't believe they don't sell these in Athkatla!" Laska whooped as she treated the large red punching bag with another flurry of punches, following with a high-kick and an elbow shot. "This is perfect for practise!"

"I see," Keldorn said as he regarded yet another patrol of guards with suspicion.

A round tubby man came from the back of the stall and greeted Laska warmly. "We've already loaded your brand-new punching bag onto your cart, miss Leafwalker. I'm sure you'll have many years of enjoyment from it. This booklet contains instructions on how to mount it to your wall. And we've also loaded your complementary set of free dumbbells onto your cart."

"See?" Laska grinned and wiped the sweat from her forehead. "You can't beat service like this."

Laska and Keldorn left the cart at the edge of the market-place on the center square of Riatavin. The Riatavin market was famed for its diverse range of products. From fresh fruit to herbs, from barrels to knives, from crossbow bolts to swords, from magic staves to spellbooks, it was all available from the many stands packed in together on this square. Riatavin might be a fair distance away from Athkatla, but it was obviously the center of trade of the region.

Laska took a few moments to take a draught from her pocketflask before stopping at the butcher-tent. All sorts of meat were hanging from hooks, from pork, to lamb, to beef. And, proving the lady was a quality butcher, the stand was equipped with a handy all-purpose magical orb, which not only kept all flies and vermin away, but also preserved the meat at perfect temperature.

"Lamb, please," Laska asked the lady. "Eight legs."

The lady smiled and filled Laska's order.

"Let's head to the spice-tent now," Laska said. "And after that, we'll go buy some avocados."

"Uh-hm," Keldorn said, again glancing at the patrol passing by.

"Cooking is an art, Keldorn," Laska said they arrived at the spice-tent and she started to go over the offered spices on display. "It's a lot like magic, really. A meal is nothing more than a carefully put together set of ingredients mixed together at exactly the right ratio. If even one ingredient is off, the end result could be disastrous. Just like a spell gone bad, only less deadly."

"Uh-hm," Keldorn replied, keeping an eye on the patrols.

After Laska can completed her purchases at the spice-tent, she continued on to the vegetable stand. She felt the avocados, tossed one in the air and deftly caught it. "Nice and ripe," she smiled.

"Uh-hm," said Keldorn, his eyes once again on the patrols.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Uh-hm."

"I slept with your daughter."

"Uh-hm."

"And your wife."

"Uh-hm."

"And both your sisters."

"Uh-hm."

"Right after having that wild steamy orgy with all the first year squires."

"Uh-hm."

"Oh, HONESTLY!" huffed Laska, crossing her arms and shooting Keldorn a dirty look.

Keldorn finally noticed that Laska had been talking to him. "Oh, dreadfully sorry. You were saying, Laska?"

Laska sighed for a moment and rubbed her temple with her free hand. "Why are you so distracted?"

Keldorn beckoned Laska to follow him to the center of the square. The both of them sat down on a free bench and Laska put all her purchases in a single bag and shoved it under the bench.

"Have you noticed that the guards have been stepping up patrols all of a sudden?" Keldorn said. "There's been a troop building here. I've been asking questions and I found out that almost all forest patrols have been recalled. Which is odd, considering the thickness of the forest and the bustle of trade here, making it a perfect site for highway robbers. Riatavin needs to have patrols along the highways to keep trade safe."

"So what?" Laska said. "So there's more tacky blue uniforms walking around the townsfolk here?"

"Riatavin has had a reputation of being rebellious to Amn's rightful rule," Keldorn said. "And Riatavin is far enough from Athkatla to be able to get away with it. Aside from that... there is something in the air."

"You think they're up to something?" Laska said. "Now that you mention it, I've been feeling something like that too. Some sort of restlessness. I didn't think much of it until now."

Trumpets sounded from a small Dias in front of the town center. All heads turned towards the announcer standing there. "Hear ye, hear ye!" he shouted into the crowd. "Hear ye all Lady Aurora Coprith for the proclamation of the century... century... century..."

Lady Aurora Coprith stepped onto the dias. She bore the same regal air as her brother Logan, the ruler of Trademeet, and wore the garments of a rich merchant leader. Elegant, yet simple. Her black hair cascaded down her shoulders as she scraped her throat.

"Ladies and gentlemen, people of Riatavin," she spoke softly, yet with power. "There have been whispers, there have been rumors. And now, finally, after years of conflicts and secrecy, it is finally done."

An excited whisper went through the crowd, and Laska could see that Keldorn was getting more and more worried by the second.

"As of today, the 10th of Kythorn of the year 1370DR, Riatavin secedes from Amn," Lady Coprith cheerfully announced to the great joy of the crowd. "No longer will we be forced to live under Amn's rules. No longer shall we pay taxes to fattened lords who live hundreds of miles away! No longer shall our magic users answer to the corrupted order of the Cowled Wizards."

More cheers followed.

"For the past years, we have been in contact with Tethyr in utmost secrecy, and they have made us an offer. Under the Tethyrian flag, we can live in the freedom that Amn would take from us. Troops from Tethyr are already on their way to make sure our fair jewel of Riatavin shall not suffer reprisals from a vengeful Amn and..."

Keldorn turned to Laska and interrupted the speech. "Laska, we have to go now," he hissed. "They're going to lock down the city."

"What?!" Laska said. "Oh, I get it. They recalled all their troops... They're expecting Amn to attack as soon as they get the news. How long will they lock the city?"

"Probably indefinitely," Keldorn said. "Or at least until the situation clears up. These are unsure times."

"Crap," Laska said and grabbed her bag. "Let's go!"

Lady Coprith continued her speech while Laska dragged Keldorn to the cart.

The cart had been parked in front of the Yoxen's Burden Inn and Laska tossed her purchases in the back, jumped on the bench behind the horses, spurring them to run and barely giving Keldorn enough time to jump in the back of the cart.

After a quick U-turn, the cart ended up at the back of the Inn, near the service-entrance. Laska wasted no time and sped into the common room. There, she found most of her friends lazying about at the bar.

"QUICKLY!" Laska shouted. "Quickly, quickly, quickly! We need to get out of here NOW! Go up, grab your things and get the hell on that cart!"

Korgan choked on his ale, Dynaheir just blinked for a moment, Jan took a bite from his turnip and Viconia spun around on her barstool so quickly that she spun right to the ground.

"YOU ALMOST HIT BOO!" Minsc, who had been grooming the little hamster, admonished Viconia for nearly dragging along the hamster into the depths.

Then, Keldorn came to view. "Do as she says," he said calmly.

As one, the party ran upstairs and very, very quickly gathered their belongings, most of which were still packed. Laska was grateful for being too lazy to remove all their camp-gear from the cart earlier, and mostly hadn't bothered with unpacking, leaving them to retrieve their packs, their weapons and armor.

One by one, they literally threw their belonging onto the cart after racing downstairs. Laska tucked her Bag of Holding onto her belt and tossed Ipsiya into the back of the cart, ignoring the sword's loud complaints about being tossed in with the other swords.

"Quickly!" said Laska as Keldorn hunched in at the bench of the cart and while the elf took the reigns. "We have to leave before Coprith's speech is finished!"

The last who came out were Minsc, Viconia and Imoen. Viconia carried both her belongings and Imoen's and tossed them unceremoniously onto the cart. Minsc was carrying his luggage and, slung over his shoulder was Imoen, still engrossed in reading 'Ivanka Virtue-Free and the Half-Blood Pirate'.

"HEEYA!" Laska shouted. The cart sped forward, giving Minsc and Viconia, after having lain Imoen into the cart, barely enough time to jump aboard.

The cart's axls groaned in protest as the cart screeched through the streets of Riatavin, passing the people on the curbs as Laska worked her way through the labyrinth of narrow streets, looking for the city gates.

"Slow down!" Keldorn shouted.

"No time!" replied Laska. They could feel every cobble in the streets while the two horses pulled this cart along with a speed that it was never designed for. A pothole in the road caused a collective cry of protest from everybody on board, ending up with everybody getting briefly launched into the air and ending up lying sprawled into the back of the cart.

Viconia, however, had the misfortune of lying on top of the round punching bag when it happened. The sudden lurch had caused her to slide towards the edge of the cart, and the only thing that saved her were her quick reactions. She managed to grasp the edge of the cart and held on for dear life as the cart raced through the streets of Riatavin. Viconia felt the noses of her boots drag over the cobbles as this mad dash continued.

The Drow gritted her teeth. "Leafwalker," she shouted. "You bitch!"

"AHEY!" said Minsc as he reached out with a beefy long arm, grabbed Viconia's cloak by the nape of the neck and yanked her back into the cart. Unfortunately, her momentum caused her to slam into Korgan, who in turn, slammed into Jan.

Jan cried in horror as he saw the prized turnip he was holding knocked out of his hands. It rolled on the edge of the cart, and then toppled over it. The turnip landed on the streets and was out of sight soon since the cart had just been making a turn.

"We have to go back! We have to go back!" Jan wailed.

"Sorry, man," said Dynaheir and clapped him on the shoulder. "She's gone."

"Live with it," shouted Laska from the bench.

Jan huffed. "I just bet we would have gone back if it had been Viconia that fell off."

The mad dash continued for a moment, until they finally found the main road which was right next to the city-walls.

"Wow, good chapter," Imoen said as she closed her book. "This part is so much better than The Order of the Stud-Muffins and... Hey, what's going on, how'd I get here?!"

"Just in time," Laska said. "Look!"

They spend around the corner and right in front of them was the city gates. They had barely made it... Or not. They were still a fair distance away and guards were bustling about.

"Crap!" Laska shouted out. "They're raising the drawbridge! The speech must be over!"

"They're lowering the portcullis," Keldorn said. "We'll never make it! We must stop."

"Like hell! IMOEN!" Laska shouted. "Scare off those guards."

Imoen whispered a quick 'gotcha' and rose to her knees, looking around for her magic staff. She grinned as she picked it up and threw herself forward, landing on the packs. She shoved her stave forward and lay partially in between where Laska and Keldorn were sitting. She closed one eye and took aim.

A crackle of magical energy in the air was released from the snake-shaped staff and launched forward, landing squarely in front of the guard's feet, tossing him aside before he could reach the mechanism to lower the portcullis.

"That'll do," grinned Imoen.

"Hold on!" Laska shouted as she spurred the horses to run even faster. The cart passed the portcullis and the flabbergasted guards. Hooves on wood echoed as the horses stepped onto the already raising drawbridge.

Time seemed to stop as Laska pulled the reigns and let the horses jump, letting them pull the cart behind them. The cart, and everything in it, was airborne, and the thought on everybody's mind was concerning the shape of the cart after landing.

The adage 'What's the last thing to go through his mind when the gnome drove his cart off the cliff?' could apply here. The answer, 'his feet', was foremost on everyone's mind. Granted, there was no cliff, but, as it turned out, the landing was not an easy on. The cart slammed with all four wheels onto the dirt sound, sending cloud of dust into the air.

Again, the cart's contents, living and non-living, were shook about again. Imoen slid backwards, landing right into Viconia's arms.

"Are you alright?" asked Viconia.

"I am now," grinned Imoen and planted a kiss on Viconia's soft lips before revelling into her embrace.

"Oy! Get a room," Korgan roared in response.

The cart slowed down somewhat, the need for speed expended with the city behind them. Looking back, the party saw the drawbridge shut tightly, locking down Riatavin completely.

"Everybody alright back there?" Laska turned her head to see all her friends sprawled in between their belongings, weapon, armor and an unsecured punching bag rolling around.

"Typical," said Dynaheir. "We go to a city at the exact time a revolution breaks out."

"Do we have everything?" asked Imoen. A quick check of the equipment while the cart slowed down revealed that everything was accounted for.

"We have everything," Minsc cheerfully announced.

"No, we don't," wailed Jan. "My prized turnip is now trapped behind enemy lines."

"Don't worry," Imoen said. "The wall will come down again... one day."

"His turnip and seven horses," Keldorn said. "How am I going to explain this to the Order? Those were the Order's horses!"

"Uh," Laska said. "Just tell them our horses blew off in a storm or something."

"Oh, that's very helpful," Keldorn sighed.

"They weren't our regular horses anyway," Dynaheir said. "So who cares about them?"

The two horses pulling the cart, somewhat tired now, started walking at a steady pace, while the cart's occupants started to sort their stuff and secure it. The cart was large, but not large enough for eight people. Already, now that adrenalin had been expended, it was starting to get a little cramped and uncomfortable.

"Well," said Viconia, "it's going to be a very long 3 day trip back to Athkatla."

But, at least, the heatwave was at its end as the party set off into the sunset.
 

More soon!
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#2 Guest_argan_*

Posted 27 July 2005 - 06:58 PM

There were some chapters ago I read this...I need to catch up it seems. What are they doing down there? :)

Still, good chapter.

#3 Guest_Theodur_*

Posted 27 July 2005 - 09:08 PM

New Tnt is done. :) This is a more light-hearted part after the Laska's Inferno arc. Back to the old slapstick. 8)


Woo-hoo, back to the roots, as it were!

"I got it! I got it!" Imoen bounced up and down as if on a tenfold sugar-rush. "I GOOOOTTTT IT!"


"The clap? HAR HAR!" Korgan roared before Laska rammed her elbow into his ribs, knocking the wind out of him.


Don’t be foul, Korgan! Oh wait – that’s part of his charm. :lol:

"Finally, finally, it's been released!" Imoen said and pulled a book from her pouch. "Ladies and gentlemen, may I ask you, why was the printing press invented?"


Are you sure it really existed at that time? :)

Imoen fished a floppy book from her pouch. "This, my friends, is the long awaited sixth part of Danielle Wrought-Iron's famous 6 part massive series, which her fans so affectionately call the 'Rough Seas And Even Rougher Sex'-saga. Ah, romance on the high sees! And maybe we'll finally, finally find out which of the 15 pirates-suitors Ivanka Virtue-Free ends up with. Oh, sweet Sune, I hope it's that delicious Rod Stag! And let's hope that she finally defeats her evil rival Licka Screw-A-Lot."


Sounds like a ridiculously cheap porn book. You know, if Imoen wasn’t romancing Viconia, I would have wondered about her tastes…

"Ah, man," Imoen floated away for a few moments there. "I can just imagine such a tall, blonde, muscular hunk taking you in his arms, putting me down on the table and taking me roughly..."


*drops an anvil on Imoen’s head*

"Yeah, sure, some bloke pops in and gets her pregnant and leaves," Laska snarled. "I know the type."


Well, at least the pregnancy isn’t an issue with Vic. :D

"Too much sex and too little conversation," Jan sighed. "A real tragedy. Well, that and my brother found her in bed with a griffin."


The griffin dropped by for a dinner, I would hope.

"Cooking is an art, Keldorn," Laska said they arrived at the spice-tent and she started to go over the offered spices on display. "It's a lot like magic, really. A meal is nothing more than a carefully put together set of ingredients mixed together at exactly the right ratio. If even one ingredient is off, the end result could be disastrous. Just like a spell gone bad, only less deadly."


Not necessarily, actually! :?

"As of today, the 10th of Kythorn of the year 1370DR, Riatavin succeeds from Amn," Lady Coprith cheerfully announced to the great joy of the crowd. "No longer will we be forced to live under Amn's rules. No longer shall we pay taxes to fattened lords who live hundreds of miles away! No longer shall our magic users answer to the corrupted order of the Cowled Wizards."


‘secedes’, not ‘succeeds’. :)

And good on the people of Riatavin – I remember hearing about this event from the Athktlan Town Criers.

The last who came out were Minsc, Viconia and Imoen. Viconia carried both her belongings and Imoen's and tossed them unceremoniously onto the cart. Minsc was carrying his luggage and, slung over his shoulder was Imoen, still engrossed in reading 'Ivanka Virtue-Free and the Half-Blood Pirate'.


Someone’s brain is gone completely… :(

The Drow gritted her teeth. "Leafwalker," she shouted. "You bitch!"


So what else is new – come on Vic, you can come up with something more creative than that! :(

The adage 'What's the last thing to go through his mind when the gnome drove his cart off the cliff?' could apply here. The answer, 'his feet', was foremost on everyone's mind.


:) Surely it can’t be such a dangerous height, though. :D

"Are you alright?" asked Viconia.


"I am now," grinned Imoen and planted a kiss on Viconia's soft lips before revelling into her embrace.


Obviously, Laska is holding the reigns and can’t see a thing. :(

"We have everything," Minsc cheerfully announced.


"No, we don't," wailed Jan. "My prized turnip is now trapped behind enemy lines."


Convenient, you can have it do some espionage now. :D

"Well," said Viconia, "it's going to be a very long 3 day trip back to Athkatla."


But, at least, the heatwave was at its end as the party set off into the sunset.


Fortunately the heatwave here has ended as well. Pfew! ;)

#4 Arcalian

Posted 28 July 2005 - 02:53 AM

No lust quite like Laska lust! CLEAVAGE!!!


Hey Wey, whaddaya say? Very Indiana Jonesian chapter today.

I wonder what Sweet Lil Imoen would do if she was actually confronted with a pirate.....other than Saymoron Havarideadmeat, that is.

I can relate on the heatwave. I almost fried out there today.

This post brought to you by the Laska Leafwalker Testosterone Brigade.
The road to the abyss may be paved with good intentions, but it is those with bad intentions that race down that road as fast as they can.

#5 Guest_Q'alooaith_*

Posted 28 July 2005 - 08:18 AM

Your really pumping them out.

Though you do make Imoen out to be a bit of a ditzse that's ok because it was funny (and some would say true).

I liked it, but one question.

How long is it going to take laska to figure Immy and Viccy out? Come on I want to see sparks fly.


Meh, it was good, though not quite as funny as some of the earlyer ones, still enough to get a smile here and there, if not a chuckle.

#6 Guest_Kulyok_*

Posted 28 July 2005 - 01:20 PM

Even though Laska had managed to convince Keldorn to go to market with her soon to help her purchase ingredients for tonight's dinner, most of the party had elected to stay inside, in the cool common room of the inn. There it was quiet and cool.

Or at least it was quiet until a certain enthusiastic pink-haired mage entered the front door holding her new purchase.

"I got it! I got it!" Imoen bounced up and down as if on a tenfold sugar-rush. "I GOOOOTTTT IT!"


Oh dear... *looks at the picture of herself from the weekend before last warily.* Yep, I looked exactly like that...

Imoen fished a floppy book from her pouch. "This, my friends, is the long awaited sixth part of Danielle Wrought-Iron's famous 6 part massive series, which her fans so affectionately call the 'Rough Seas And Even Rougher Sex'-saga. Ah, romance on the high sees! And maybe we'll finally, finally find out which of the 15 pirates-suitors Ivanka Virtue-Free ends up with. Oh, sweet Sune, I hope it's that delicious Rod Stag! And let's hope that she finally defeats her evil rival Licka Screw-A-Lot."


Heh, it seemed to me that Rowling really despised this girl, Romilda Wane, who was following Harry all the time. But actually, the girl Harry actually winds up with is just a copy of Romilda Wane - she's only have the advantage of meeting Harry years earlier. :D

Boo voiced his opinion with a sharp squeak.


Oh, I just adore these little things... Has your version of the Secret of Boo been revealed in the story, by the way? I didn't read it all, so I don't know...

"Ah, man," Imoen floated away for a few moments there. "I can just imagine such a tall, blonde, muscular hunk taking you in his arms, putting me down on the table and taking me roughly..."


Good idea. Now, let's just cross out 'blond'... :wink:

"If one of those clods gets near you, he'll be kissing his 'love-rocks' goodbye," Laska muttered.


*snicker* :D

Viconia snorted and patted Laska on the back. "Come on, she's 22 years old. A grown woman with needs, desires and a libido of her own."


I think "twenty two" would look better.

"If you'd just stop threatening to kill every man who looks at her, she'd get laid, will no longer need the romance novels and she'll stop reading choice parts to me when I'm trying to get some sleep," Viconia said.


That was good... *still laughing*

"Too much sex and too little conversation," Jan sighed. "A real tragedy."


Laska may like it, though. :P

"Poor Danielle. She died doing what she loved. Uh, well, maybe not at the last moment. There was this nasty accident while she was being orally pleasured by a minotaur and he... suddenly lurched forward. Nasty, that."


*faints*

Trumpets sounded from a small Dias in front of the town center. All heads turned towards the announcer standing there. "Hear ye, hear ye!" he shouted into the crowd. "Hear ye all Lady Aurora Coprith for the proclamation of the century... century... century..."

Lady Aurora Coprith stepped onto the dias. She bore the same regal air as her brother Logan, the ruler of Trademeet, and wore the garments of a rich merchant leader. Elegant, yet simple. Her black hair cascaded down her shoulders as she scraped her throat.


It's "dais", I think. By the way, is she a relation of Lord of Trademeet?

"As of today, the 10th of Kythorn of the year 1370DR, Riatavin succeeds from Amn," Lady Coprith cheerfully announced to the great joy of the crowd. "No longer will we be forced to live under Amn's rules. No longer shall we pay taxes to fattened lords who live hundreds of miles away! No longer shall our magic users answer to the corrupted order of the Cowled Wizards."


:P Sooooo familiar...


"For the past years, we have been in contact with Tethyr in utmost secrecy, and they have made us an offer. Under the Tethyrian flag, we can live in the freedom that Amn would take from us. Troops from Tethyr are already on their way to make sure our fair jewel of Riatavin shall not suffer reprisals from a vengeful Amn and..."


Why am I thinking "out of the frying pan into the fire"? And Thethyrians hate elves, too...

The last who came out were Minsc, Viconia and Imoen. Viconia carried both her belongings and Imoen's and tossed them unceremoniously onto the cart. Minsc was carrying his luggage and, slung over his shoulder was Imoen, still engrossed in reading 'Ivanka Virtue-Free and the Half-Blood Pirate'.


Yeah, it was a hell of a ride home, when I finally got it. I honestly don't remember how I got there... :D

"Sorry, man," said Dynaheir and clapped him on the shoulder. "She's gone."


Dynaheir, saying "sorry, man"... *wipes eyes*

"Wow, good chapter," Imoen said as she closed her book. "This part is so much better than The Order of the Stud-Muffins and... Hey, what's going on, how'd I get here?!"


Exactly! :wink: :evil: :( But I liked part 3 best.

Again, the cart's contents, living and non-living, were shook about again. Imoen slid backwards, landing right into Viconia's arms.

"Are you alright?" asked Viconia.

"I am now," grinned Imoen and planted a kiss on Viconia's soft lips before revelling into her embrace.


Laaaaskaaa? Are you watching this? :)


The two horses pulling the cart, somewhat tired now, started walking at a steady pace, while the cart's occupants started to sort their stuff and secure it. The cart was large, but not large enough for eight people. Already, now that adrenalin had been expended, it was starting to get a little cramped and uncomfortable.

"Well," said Viconia, "it's going to be a very long 3 day trip back to Athkatla."

But, at least, the heatwave was at its end as the party set off into the sunset.


Okay... I still want to see Laska-Elle and what happens then. :D :D :D

#7 Guest_Silrana_*

Posted 28 July 2005 - 05:40 PM

"I got it! I got it!" Imoen bounced up and down as if on a tenfold sugar-rush. "I GOOOOTTTT IT!"

"The clap? HAR HAR!" Korgan roared before Laska rammed her elbow into his ribs, knocking the wind out of him.


The latest Harry Potter?

Imoen fished a floppy book from her pouch. "This, my friends, is the long awaited sixth part of Danielle Wrought-Iron's famous 6 part massive series, which her fans so affectionately call the 'Rough Seas And Even Rougher Sex'-saga. Ah, romance on the high sees! And maybe we'll finally, finally find out which of the 15 pirates-suitors Ivanka Virtue-Free ends up with. Oh, sweet Sune, I hope it's that delicious Rod Stag! And let's hope that she finally defeats her evil rival Licka Screw-A-Lot."


*snerk*

"You must be crazy," Minsc bellowed. "Rod Stag?! Gerard Ecordian is much better suited for her, right Boo?!"

Boo voiced his opinion with a sharp squeak.


Hee!

Viconia snorted and patted Laska on the back. "Come on, she's 22 years old. A grown woman with needs, desires and a libido of her own."


AC Imoen: Come on, Laska. We perky types need loving too.

"QUICKLY!" Laska shouted. "Quickly, quickly, quickly! We need to get out of here NOW! Go up, grab your things and get the hell on that cart!"

Korgan choked on his ale, Dynaheir just blinked for a moment, Jan took a bite from his turnip and Viconia spun around on her barstool so quickly that she spun right to the ground.

"YOU ALMOST HIT BOO!" Minsc, who had been grooming the little hamster, admonished Viconia for nearly dragging along the hamster into the depths.

Then, Keldorn came to view. "Do as she says," he said calmly.

As one, the party ran upstairs and very, very quickly gathered their belongings, most of which were still packed. Laska was grateful for being too lazy to remove all their camp-gear from the cart earlier, and mostly hadn't bothered with unpacking, leaving them to retrieve their packs, their weapons and armor.


Bwah! Well, we can see who the real leader is in a crisis.

"Wow, good chapter," Imoen said as she closed her book. "This part is so much better than The Order of the Stud-Muffins and... Hey, what's going on, how'd I get here?!"


Sounds like me when I'm buried in a book.

Time seemed to stop as Laska pulled the reigns and let the horses jump, letting them pull the cart behind them. The cart, and everything in it, was airborne, and the thought on everybody's mind was concerning the shape of the cart after landing.


To heck with the cart, I'd be worried about the shape of my body!

"His turnip and seven horses," Keldorn said. "How am I going to explain this to the Order? Those were the Order's horses!"


I'm sure the Order will understand... I hope.

Great chapter!

#8 Guest_AlphaMonkey_*

Posted 28 July 2005 - 09:21 PM

"The clap? HAR HAR!" Korgan roared before Laska rammed her elbow into his ribs, knocking the wind out of him.


He's lucky that was just an elbow... Enara would probably have used a sword for that. :(

"This, my friends, is the long awaited sixth part of Danielle Wrought-Iron's famous 6 part massive series, which her fans so affectionately call the 'Rough Seas And Even Rougher Sex'-saga. Ah, romance on the high sees! And maybe we'll finally, finally find out which of the 15 pirates-suitors Ivanka Virtue-Free ends up with. Oh, sweet Sune, I hope it's that delicious Rod Stag! And let's hope that she finally defeats her evil rival Licka Screw-A-Lot."


Harlequin: "Sweet Sune... even I wouldn't read that crap."

:twisted:

Imoen's eyes fluttered open. "I, uh, said that out loud, didn't I?" she said when she noticed Laska narrowing her eyes, while Viconia gazed upon her with humor and approval etched on her face.


Harlequin: "She's ruining my reputation, here..." :wink:

Viconia snorted and patted Laska on the back. "Come on, she's 22 years old. A grown woman with needs, desires and a libido of her own."


Raven: "No! She's going to a convent, if I have anything to say about it!"

Harlequin: "You don't." :D

Raven: "Ah, f#$@."

"Vic's right, you're a real mood killer, sis. Anyway, I'm going to enjoy this book now. Man, I can't wait! It even has a pink cover, wow, this book was made for me!"


Raven: "Whatcha reading there?"

Harlequin: "Treatise on ontological empiricism..."

Raven: :twisted: "Like freakin' night and day..."

Did you know she was married to my brother Fabio?


(Thick, undecipherable accent) "I can't believe it's not turnips!"

There was this nasty accident while she was being orally pleasured by a minotaur and he... suddenly lurched forward. Nasty, that.


This is what happens when people just get too damned horny. (Sigh)

Upon hearing this, Dynaheir, Viconia and Laska collectively shuddered from sympathy pains.


Clearly, these people need to see more porn. Have you -seen- some of the things that... um... get jammed up there?! I mean, for crying out loud, you can't honestly tell me that having a human arm up there, all the way to the elbow, feels -good-, because I just don't buy it!

(Shudder)

Just like a spell gone bad, only less deadly.


Tell that to anyone who's consumed Jan's turnip stew.

"Right after having that wild steamy orgy with all the first year squires."


There's a reason why he's not sounding all that shocked... and it's not because he's not listening to you. It's because with your reputation, you actually might have done that.

"QUICKLY!" Laska shouted. "Quickly, quickly, quickly! We need to get out of here NOW! Go up, grab your things and get the hell on that cart!"


Harlequin: "What the hell's she talking about?"

Raven: (Sigh) "Evac! Rendezvous Extraction Zone Zulu! Civilians in the streets, so remember your ROE!"

Harlequin: "Oooooooohhh..."

Raven: :twisted:

#9 Weyoun

Posted 30 July 2005 - 11:15 PM

There were some chapters ago I read this...I need to catch up it seems. What are they doing down there? :shock:


Basically, I'm doing the hell-sequence early... and not remotely like it was done in the game. Laska and the gang are almost ready to confront Bodhi in Suldenesselar. :roll:

Still, good chapter.


Thanks!
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#10 Weyoun

Posted 31 July 2005 - 12:10 AM

Woo-hoo, back to the roots, as it were!


Something like that. It was a fun escapade! :P

Don’t be foul, Korgan! Oh wait – that’s part of his charm. ;)


Korgan wouldn't be Korgan if he wasn't rude, burlesque, lewd, drunk and smelly. :P

Are you sure it really existed at that time? ;)


With all the books you find in the BG games? Certainly. I don't see all those books written by hand, though I'm sure some are.

Sounds like a ridiculously cheap porn book. You know, if Imoen wasn’t romancing Viconia, I would have wondered about her tastes…


Wait till next part. Imoen will read a bit to Viconia. :D

Oh, the Horror. :P

*drops an anvil on Imoen’s head*


:roll:

Well, at least the pregnancy isn’t an issue with Vic. :D


For more reasons than one. :( But that's for later.


"Too much sex and too little conversation," Jan sighed. "A real tragedy. Well, that and my brother found her in bed with a griffin."


The griffin dropped by for a dinner, I would hope.


Not quite. ;) :roll:

‘secedes’, not ‘succeeds’. :?


Crap, that was a silly one. ;) ;) ;) Fixed now, thanks for pointing that out.

And good on the people of Riatavin – I remember hearing about this event from the Athktlan Town Criers.


Viva la revolution! :D

Someone’s brain is gone completely… :(


It's the Potter-effect. :P

So what else is new – come on Vic, you can come up with something more creative than that! :D


Give the girl a break, she's hanging from a speeding cart! :D

;) Surely it can’t be such a dangerous height, though. :D


Well, the Mythbusters have proven that a drop from nine-feet with suffecient mass added will be just as dangerous. :P

Obviously, Laska is holding the reigns and can’t see a thing. :D


Of course. She won't be in the dark for much longer, though. :P

Convenient, you can have it do some espionage now. :(


:shock: 00Turnip. :P


"Well," said Viconia, "it's going to be a very long 3 day trip back to Athkatla."



But, at least, the heatwave was at its end as the party set off into the sunset.


Fortunately the heatwave here has ended as well. Pfew! :(


It's a relief, I tell you. Though it hotted up yesterday here.
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#11 Weyoun

Posted 31 July 2005 - 05:12 PM

Your really pumping them out.


I'm excited. 4 more parts and the SoA section will be done! Of course, there'll be a long epilogue to clear up all the plotlines and set up ToB, but still... I'm excited! :twisted:

Though you do make Imoen out to be a bit of a ditzse that's ok because it was funny (and some would say true).


I've always seen her as chronically cheerful. :wink:

I liked it, but one question.


How long is it going to take laska to figure Immy and Viccy out? Come on I want to see sparks fly.


It won't take long. It's slated not long into the epilogue and will be written as soon as I come back from holidays. ;)

Meh, it was good, though not quite as funny as some of the earlyer ones, still enough to get a smile here and there, if not a chuckle.


Well, Laska and Tnt has more baggage now. I hope to remedy that at the beginning of Tnt-Tob, when all the earlier plotlines have been ended and I can begin from a somewhat clean slate. :)
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#12 Weyoun

Posted 31 July 2005 - 05:18 PM

No lust quite like Laska lust! CLEAVAGE!!!


;)

Hey Wey, whaddaya say? Very Indiana Jonesian chapter today.


It just seemed like fun. I figured it was more Keystone Copsian, though. :twisted:

I wonder what Sweet Lil Imoen would do if she was actually confronted with a pirate.....other than Saymoron Havarideadmeat, that is.


This Imoen is blissfully ignorant to the real pirates around. You know, the fat, filthy, toothless criminals. :wink: She'd be very disappointed to meet them, though.

I can relate on the heatwave. I almost fried out there today.


Luckily, we've been having a rainy weekend here. Quite a relief.

This post brought to you by the Laska Leafwalker Testosterone Brigade.


*bows*
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#13 Weyoun

Posted 31 July 2005 - 05:33 PM

Oh dear... *looks at the picture of herself from the weekend before last warily.* Yep, I looked exactly like that...


Heheheheheh, it's the Potter-curse. ;)

Heh, it seemed to me that Rowling really despised this girl, Romilda Wane, who was following Harry all the time. But actually, the girl Harry actually winds up with is just a copy of Romilda Wane - she's only have the advantage of meeting Harry years earlier. :evil:


I stopped taking Rowling serious years ago. Pratchett's valid complaints are only icing to the cake.

Oh, I just adore these little things... Has your version of the Secret of Boo been revealed in the story, by the way? I didn't read it all, so I don't know...


I didn't reveal it, probably never will. It's better to leave these things in the dark.

Good idea. Now, let's just cross out 'blond'... :twisted:


:wink:

I think "twenty two" would look better.


I think you're right. It'll change it in the final version. ;)

"If you'd just stop threatening to kill every man who looks at her, she'd get laid, will no longer need the romance novels and she'll stop reading choice parts to me when I'm trying to get some sleep," Viconia said.


That was good... *still laughing*


There is actually a part of the book in 181. I'm deeply embarrassed about it now. :evil:

"Too much sex and too little conversation," Jan sighed. "A real tragedy."


Laska may like it, though. :P


Absolutely. :)

*faints*


From laughter or from the image. :D

It's "dais", I think. By the way, is she a relation of Lord of Trademeet?


Yes, according to the source material (Lands of Intrigue), she is. They're brother and sister.

:evil: Sooooo familiar...


Shades of 1917? ;)

Why am I thinking "out of the frying pan into the fire"? And Thethyrians hate elves, too...


No kidding. Saradush won't be fun for the elven party-members.

Yeah, it was a hell of a ride home, when I finally got it. I honestly don't remember how I got there... :evil:


Uh, you weren't driving, were you? :roll: ;)

Dynaheir, saying "sorry, man"... *wipes eyes*


Couldn't resist! :)

Exactly! ;) :) :) But I liked part 3 best.


I'll let you know when I read the books. :D

Laaaaskaaa? Are you watching this? :D


Nope. :D

Okay... I still want to see Laska-Elle and what happens then. :D :D :D


It's going to be lovely. :P Lovely and violent, as is the custom. ;)
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#14 Weyoun

Posted 31 July 2005 - 05:36 PM

The latest Harry Potter?


Uh, no thanks. :twisted:

*snerk*


Never mind the horrible literature. :wink:

AC Imoen: Come on, Laska. We perky types need loving too.


Tnt Imoen : Yeah!

Truth be told, Laska'll get some sense knocked into her soon enough. ;)

Bwah! Well, we can see who the real leader is in a crisis.


Aw, all he did was... Uh, on second thought, I think you're right. :)

Sounds like me when I'm buried in a book.


And me... Doesn't happen often these days, though, due to lack of good books.

To heck with the cart, I'd be worried about the shape of my body!


Good point. :)

I'm sure the Order will understand... I hope.


I think Laska'll owe them 7 horses... Or she'll just tell them where to find those horses. :D

Great chapter!


Thanks!
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#15 Weyoun

Posted 31 July 2005 - 05:40 PM

He's lucky that was just an elbow... Enara would probably have used a sword for that. ;)


Which would be fitting too. Korgan was way out of line. :evil:

Harlequin: "Sweet Sune... even I wouldn't read that crap."


;)


Tnt Imoen would... and does. :evil: She's got a whole collection of that crap.

Harlequin: "She's ruining my reputation, here..." :roll:


And probably having fun doing it too. :evil:

Raven: "No! She's going to a convent, if I have anything to say about it!"


Harlequin: "You don't." ;)


Raven: "Ah, f#$@."


:twisted:

Raven: "Whatcha reading there?"


Harlequin: "Treatise on ontological empiricism..."


Raven: :) "Like freakin' night and day..."


How about a compromise?

"The exciting love-life of the Peruvian fruit-fly." ;)

(Thick, undecipherable accent) "I can't believe it's not turnips!"


Man, oh, man, what annoying git that Fabio bloke is, isn't he?

This is what happens when people just get too damned horny. (Sigh)


:)

Clearly, these people need to see more porn. Have you -seen- some of the things that... um... get jammed up there?! I mean, for crying out loud, you can't honestly tell me that having a human arm up there, all the way to the elbow, feels -good-, because I just don't buy it!


(Shudder)


Well, considering the horns are at the side of the Minotaur's head, I think the girl'd be more concerned with the impaled legs such an event causes. ;)

Tell that to anyone who's consumed Jan's turnip stew.


:wink:

There's a reason why he's not sounding all that shocked... and it's not because he's not listening to you. It's because with your reputation, you actually might have done that.


:D Not even Laska'd do that... while sober, that is. :evil:

Harlequin: "What the hell's she talking about?"


Raven: (Sigh) "Evac! Rendezvous Extraction Zone Zulu! Civilians in the streets, so remember your ROE!"


Harlequin: "Oooooooohhh..."


Raven: :D


LOL! Nice!
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi




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