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[Weyoun]

More Laska! Sorry about the long wait.

Edit : Almost forgot to thank Laufey for giving this and the next two chapters a look-over. Thanks for keeping me on track!

 
Tnt 176 : Laska's Inferno : Hellish stop-over.

"BOOOOOLLLLLLLOOOOCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS!" Laska shouted as she stood at a deep chasm amidst several magma-falls. She looked around, but saw no other way to go forward. She kicked a pebble away in frustration. "Oh, those five bitches told me to go here, and there's only fire and brimstone! CRAAAAPPPPPPP!"

The echoes of her profanity returned swiftly, confronting Laska with her own failure. She sat down on a large boulder and let out a sigh.

"This is not how I wanted to spend my eternity," Laska sighed. "Dammit, no trees, no bars... I should have gotten that job as a priestess of Sharess when I still had the chance and I'd have been part of the biggest orgy ever."

She looked up, at an imaginary heaven. "Why, thanks dad!" Laska sighed. "Thanks for forbidding me to go to go visit the Sharessians. Dammit, I was old enough to make up my own mind! And now I'm stuck here with all this stupid lavarock."

A few moments later, she looked up again. "Sorry about that, dad... I guess I'd have ended up being an adventurer anyway. Ah, crap, you probably can't hear me anyway. And I still don't know what hellhole I ended up in."

"This was your father's home when he was still alive," Naraphim said. Laska was startled to suddenly find the huge demon had snuck up behind her.

"Bloody hell, how'd you do that?!" Laska shouted at the larger demon. "I mean, you're as tall as a building and have giant hooves!"

"And you're supposed to be an elf with super-hearing who's impossible to sneak up on?" Naraphim snorted. "Honestly, you're as arrogant as your father was."

"Stop calling him my father," Laska said. "Gorion was my dad. Bhaal just provided the... male juice."

"Not even that," Naraphim said absentmindedly, rubbing his horned chin. "All your genetic material came from your mother, with some changes where needed, the only think Bhaal planted in you was a receptacle for part of his essence when he would die."

Laska scratched her head, again wiping the sweat from her brow. "Genetic whatsis?"

"Never mind," Naraphim said and clapped in his hands. Ardulace appeared immediately. "Unpack my suitcases, would you?"

Laska snorted. "Those two tiny suitcases? What's in there? An ant and his wife?"

"Everything I own," Naraphim smiled mysteriously. A few seconds later, Ardulace opened the suitcases and a small, but comfortable mansion appeared at the edge of the slab of obsidian sitting at the edge of a lake of magma.

"Thought that would wipe the smirk off your face," Naraphim said.

---

Naraphim's home was comfortable, not garish but had all the amenities of a home away from home. And at least she didn't feel like she was crawling through a blast-furnace anymore. Ardulace poured Naraphim a cup of tea and offered Laska a glass of ale. Laska took great pains not to actually touch the ghostly form of Ardulace, though, seeing she was radiating pure cold and despair.

Naraphim had shapeshifted into the form of an middle-aged man with black hair that was about Laska's height, claiming it would make conversation easier. Still, Laska found that the six-inch long antlers sticking from his forehead were still quite distracting.

"Are you going to have to tell me what's going on, or do I have to kick your teeth in?" Laska said calmly.

Naraphim snickered before he calmly sipped his tea. "You have gotten bolder."

"Well, I thought I was in hell and you were going to tear me apart, but now I know better," Laska winked.

"The reason I'm here, well," Naraphim said. "Let's just say that you killing Jon Irenicus set certain things in motion."

"Get to the point, already!" Laska challenged. "All I'm hearing is some vague bollocks!"

"I only spoke half a sentence, oh ye of little patience. Basically, you are here for two things : The Truth. And for The Preparation for Endgame. You are here now for the first. The second will have to wait for later," Naraphim said. "You are here because... my associates are looking out for you on the plane of Elysium. Oh, they can't interfere directly, but they have other ways to support you."

"Associates, huh?" Laska snorted. "Yeah, probably more people wanting to use me for their own gain... So what else is new?"

"No, no," Naraphim said. "Believe it or not, but these... people have your best interest at heart. Of course, that's only because your interest matches their own. So, on second thought, perhaps your point is actually quite valid."

Suddenly Laska felt a pure concentrated hatred, something that wanted her to die in most heinous ways imaginable. She looked around frantically, until her eyes settled on what only could be described as a ball of shimmering air floating through the wall of the mansion and slowly moving towards her.

It was Naraphim that reacted before she did.

"Your services are not yet needed," Naraphim spoke with anger in his voice. "BEGONE!" he commanded, and waved his hand, violently pushing the ball of anger away with an unseen force as easily as if he was flicking away a fly.

"What the bloody hell was that?!" Laska broke in. "It felt like it was going for my throat."

"A minor annoyance from your past that is of no consequence at the moment," Naraphim said. "I've sent him back to wonder this place in darkness for the time being."

"You sure? I can't kick asses I can't see," Laska said.

"Quite sure. Now, as I was saying. Every single child of Bhaal has drawn the interest of one powerful being or another. They do not interfere directly, though. Due to the... condition of both you and your tormentor, and they knew you'd be coming here, so they needed someone would could interact more directly with you. But, you were somewhat of a problem case."

Laska raised an eyebrow. "Do I really want to hear this?"

"None of the devas they selected lasted long on your case. You were simply too chaotic for their lawful tastes. But most of them, well,... they just couldn't stand you, really," Naraphim said.

Laska snickered. "Why am I not surprised?"

"But my... associates in Elysium were rather keen on giving you a good guide through this place, and they figured a cynical Fallen Deva would do just as well as a flighty law-obsessed moron would. I was approached by them just after we met in Ust Natha. Since then, I've learned all there is to learn about you, and I daresay I know more about you than you yourself probably do."

Laska suddenly colored. "So, um, you also know about the time I...?"

"Especially that, you naughty girl," Naraphim revealed no expression and took another sip from his tea.

Laska felt more than a little apprehensive. "You know everything about me, then?"

"I know about your obsession with cooking to make up for your lack of magic, I know about your obsessive indulgences on the whole... I know that you still pine for Phaere."

"Umm, even... the horse?" Laska asked carefully.

Naraphim's mood changed completely. "What you did to that horse was absolutely foul and perverse!", he said, slamming down his tea so hard the cup should have broken... still, the cup hadn't even spilled a drop.

"I couldn't help it!" Laska wailed. "I was young and stupid! I just couldn't contain myself. I just... had to do it!"

"No excuses!" Naraphim said. "There is no excuse for something as foul as that! I mean, were you even thinking?!"

"Look, I just had to go with what was available, alright?!" Laska challenged. "There was nobody around, so I just did it!"

"I don't care what you say. Preparing horse-meat with salad oil is just plain wrong!" Naraphim said. "Don't you know you completely ruined that horse?! You fried the taste right out of that steak!"

"I was young, I was stupid!" Laska retorted and rose from her seat. "And now I know better."

"I bloody well hope so!" Naraphim said. "What's next? Putting a whole bottle of ketchup on escargot?"

"Alright, enough, enough!" Laska said, getting quite uncomfortable. "All I know about you is that you're a red-skinned voyeur, then. Gods, why does this keep happening to me?"

"Don't act all high and mighty to me," Naraphim huffed. "I'm not the one who goes swimming around in her pool naked when you know the squires next door are looking in. I'm not the one who goes dancing one a table after having a few. I'm not the one who ended in bed with twins after..."

"Alright, the point is made!" Laska cut him off and let herself sink into her seat again. "Hah! What was the color of my pillow in my town-room back at Candlekeep?"

Naraphim blinked. "Uh... blue?"

"Now you're just guessing!" Laska stood up and made a 'swish'-motion with both hand. "Hah-hah, you don't know everything, chummmmppppppp!"

"I'm starting to see why those deva's couldn't stand you."

Laska sat down again and crossed her arms. "Your turn. Fess up. Tell me something about your dark past."

"If you want to know something about me, I shall indulge you. 'Tis only fair, I suppose. There's not much to tell about me worth mentioning, though. I was a pious solar at one point, striving to attain clarity at every level of Celestia, climbing to each level as my purity increased. But it wasn't until I attained the final, seventh level of Celestia. Chronia, Illuminated Heaven or The Pit of Lies, as I prefer to call it... It wasn't until then that I reached true enlightenment."

"What happened?" Laska asked. "They kick you out for farting?"

"No, but I realized one thing. We, so called servants of goodness, are the same as those we pretend to combat. Heaven is just as corrupt and rotten as Hell is, but Heaven just tends to hide it better. Heaven is a cesspool of hypocrisy and lies. Solars manipulate and scheme just as aptly as the Baatezu do, and in their devotion to do good, they are just as ruthless, destructive, unyielding and vile in their methods as the Tanar'ri. When the truth becomes so clear, the differences between good and evil are nonexistent. So, I did not Fall. I left."

"Just like that?" Laska said.

"Just like that," Naraphim said. "A few solars tried to persuade me to stay, to show me the errors of my ways, so to speak. Tell me, if the ends always justify the means, what is good? What is evil?"

Laska thought for a moment, before responding with an enlighted silent 'I dunno'-shrug.

"Trust me, I've had millenia to think about this. It's all grey, there's no good, there's no evil. Only the grey in between. Law is an illusion. Law is an excuse for the so-called good entities of the universe to consolidate their own power and interest. All of Law is nothing more than a island on an ever rising sea of chaos. The most pious of societies collapse as soon as the illusion of law is lifted. Chaos is the universe's true nature, law is its corrupted nature."

"Uh... sure, mate, sure," Laska blinked. "But I still can't believe you left eternal booze and sex for all this metaphysical stuff?!" she said, looking around the ghastly plateau.

"You have a strange idea about Heaven," Naraphim snorted. "Think in terms of prayer, meditation and endless chanting."

"No sex?"

"No sex."

"Not even quickies?"

"No."

"No booze?"

"No booze."

"Not even near-grog?"

"Alcohol is eeeevvvvillllllll," Naraphim spoke in a mocking tone.

"That's bollocks! Good on you for leaving."

"I prefer to move along the demons," Naraphim said. "Sure, they want to screw you over just like the Celestials do, but at least they're honest about it. The Tanar'ri are the closest to the universe's truth. The Baatezu are simple misguided fools that dig their webs of intrigue and do not realize their own ruin. Still, they're not as bad as the Celestials."

"I wanna hear one of your tales of dark debauchery and terror now!" Laska grinned.

"Huh?!"

"You're a demon, aren't you? Come on, share the goods with aunty Laska," the tattooed elf winked.

Naraphim rubbed his chin. "Well, there was that torrid affair I had with Red Shroud. And the time I set Lolth's web on fire. I still can't believe how mad she was. Still, it's her own fault for making a web in the abyss that isn't fireproof. It was all an accident, I swear. My flaming head just got too close to the silk."

"Sounds like fun."

"And there was the time Kiriansalee and I did a drive-by on some cornugons having lunch at the Hellfire Bistro on Avernus. I tell you, she's one mad cow. Still, they were scraping bits of cornugon off the wall for weeks."

Naraphim rose from his chair, beckoning Laska to follow him. "Enough stories. Follow me."

"Let me ask you a question," he asked as he and Laska stood on the balcony, overlooking the magma below. "You are an elf. If I told you that you were going to be turned into a human, and that you could prevent that by giving up a part of yourself, what would you give up?"

"What?!" Laska said. "What the hell kinda bollocksy question is that?!"

A saw appeared in Naraphim's hand. "What would you give? An arm? A leg? An eye, maybe?"

Laska backed away a little. "You, um, haven't gone nutty, have you?"

"Just remember," Naraphim said. "No answer is wrong. It's the journey that's important. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith."

Laska barely had time to scream as Naraphim grabbed her by the back of her vest and threw her over the railing, into the magma below.

"... Or a good push in the direction," Naraphim grinned after the splash had subsided.
 

More Laska soon. This was part 3 of 5.

---Weyoun

[Laufey]

More Laska! Sorry about the long wait.

Edit : Almost forgot to thank Laufey for giving this and the next two chapters a look-over. Thanks for keeping me on track!

Very welcome, of course. Not much to add since I commented already - the priestess of Sharess bit was new, wasn't it? I don't remember it from before, but either way I liked it.

[Arcalian]

*crawls up out of the pit where the various Laskas are and lays panting by his computer.* Well, Lust-Laska didn't kill me. But she did wear me out and make me truely sore. But it's a memory I'll cherish for the rest of my days, oh yes. I'm gonna put a poster of her in my bedroom. Before, when I said there was no lust quite like Laska-lust, I had no idea how right I was. Woof.

Your idea of the fallen Solar as a guide is very close to what I have planned for Bhodi-and-Bhaalspawn story in the quizzes. Yes, he's very CN. He's right about law, wrong about good, but that's only to be expected.

And I'm guessing the ball of anger was Sarevok.

This post brought to you by the (temporarily satiated) Laska Leafwalker Testosterone Brigade.

[Weyoun]

Very welcome, of course. Not much to add since I commented already - the priestess of Sharess bit was new, wasn't it? I don't remember it from before, but either way I liked it.

Yeah, I wanted a new, more expanded begin-sequence, because it simply didn't flow well. Some new Naraphim bits too.

Thanks again!

[Weyoun]

You're elven. Age of majority would be higher than it would for humans... and I somehow don't think "Six" is old enough for anything... unless you're a dog...

LOL! I don't think she'd even make six, if you translate from elf to human years. But then again, elves follow a different track to maturity.

Jamie Hyneman: "Genetic legacy? ... It's sperm. You know, helps make babies..."

Jamie's coolness incarnate anyway.

Despair, yes... that you can radiate... but seeing as how there is no such thing as cold, merely the absence of heat...

Hah, bloody hah. You go to the Artic and find out how there's no such thing as cold.

She might want to invest in some Ritalin...

Uh, no.

Because you realize how much of a pain in the ass you can be? How perceptive!

Well said.

(Chuckle) So, is bestiality really even beyond you? Because I'd wager you could do worse.

Hey, do give the girl some credit.

Ketchup on eggs is bad enough. That just weirds me out... and, to an extent, so does mayo on french fries.

Don't come to holland and belgium, then. Mayo is pretty much standard on fries (I refuse to call them french fries. They're invented by the belgiums, not the goddamn french.)

Saint Mark's Bistro? Liberty City?

Good eye. I imagine Kiriansalee is a lot like Catalina.

[Weyoun]

"This is not how I wanted to spend my eternity," Laska sighed. "Dammit, no trees, no bars... I should have gotten that job as a priestess of Sharess when I still had the chance and I'd have been part of the biggest orgy ever."

Hmm, I wonder if this is what Laska might do when she returns back to Toril. Might be… fun.

Not a chance. She's just thinking of what could have been. No, she's going to remain her own, cheery, brawly self.

For crying out loud, Laska – put some points in Spot, will you?

Not fair. Naraphim cheats.

I am impressed! He’s a demon who loves his comforts, so it seems!

It's basically his caravan.

Naraphim had shapeshifted into the form of an middle-aged man with black hair that was about Laska's height, claiming it would make conversation easier. Still, Laska found that the six-inch long antlers sticking from his forehead were still quite distracting.

Hey, someone’s… horny…

...

There are as yet undiscovered tribes in the darkest parts of the amazon that could have seen that one coming a mile away.

Eh? What was that?

You'll find out. It's someone who hates Laska immensely.

Heh heh! I get the feeling he kind of likes her.

He does. Laska's chaotic enough for his taste.

Do I really want to hear this?

Yup.

Eating horse meat? Now that’s disgusting!

Oh, I dunno. I;ve always liked it.

It’s not only the devas, Naraphim…

That’s far too cynical for me to agree with, though.

He's the ultimate CN character, if you want to speak in terms of alignment. Naraphim doesn't believe in the existance of good or evil, and sees law as corruption.

Well, a lot of depends on what the ends are. And I imagine they are diametrically different for the solars and the Baatezu.

That's just the point. He doesn't care. More on this in chapter 4, but to an immortal, eternal being like Naraphim, the ends don't matter. A good or evil result is irrelevant, because all deeds are destined to fade away and be forgotten. Therefor, to him, the road is more important than the destination. And even more important than the road is the way of being. To Naraphim, both the Solars and the Baatezu are wrong because they stick to their lawful way of thinking, regardless of their intentions.

Doesn’t sound like a place worth hanging out in, really.

There are better places.

Demons… honest? Right… this guy is about a manipulating CE as it gets, I think.

Not really. When a demon's chasing you because it wants to rip your heart out, there's very little manipulation going on. That's their honestly. The Baatezu are manipulators... the Tanar'ri, well, they're the beserkers that tear through armies just for the fun of it.

Hey, don’t cripple that fine piece of flesh that is Laska!

Don't worry... yet.

Ouch! That’s got to hurt!

Wait and see.

[Weyoun]

*crawls up out of the pit where the various Laskas are and lays panting by his computer.* Well, Lust-Laska didn't kill me. But she did wear me out and make me truely sore. But it's a memory I'll cherish for the rest of my days, oh yes. I'm gonna put a poster of her in my bedroom. Before, when I said there was no lust quite like Laska-lust, I had no idea how right I was. Woof.

Whoa... How are you alive?!

Your idea of the fallen Solar as a guide is very close to what I have planned for Bhodi-and-Bhaalspawn story in the quizzes. Yes, he's very CN. He's right about law, wrong about good, but that's only to be expected.

Correct about Nara. He's the ultimate CN. I'm not entirely sure he's so wrong about good and evil, though. In a world of cause and effect, mixed with ideology and perspectives, both terms can apply to the same thing.

And I'm guessing the ball of anger was Sarevok.

Correct!

This post brought to you by the (temporarily satiated) Laska Leafwalker Testosterone Brigade.

Only temporary? Man, rather you than me. I'd rather not age 10 years in one night.

[Weyoun]

Ewwwww!

Well said.

D'OH! You had me going for a minute.

Hehehehehehe, that was the plan.

Or ketchup on a hot dog. That's just not done!

Foul and wicked!

Hmm...you know, there's this guy at the end of Icewind Dale that Naraphim should meet.

Belhiphet is a rather lawful Baatezu. They wouldn't get along.

Snerk.

Couldn't resist.

Maybe there *is* a difference between good and evil after all, eh, Laska?

Nope. The lava-pit is quite neutral.

Good chapter!

Thanks!

[Weyoun]

Eloquent as always, eh Laska?

Her favorite swear-word.

The echoes of her profanity returned swiftly, confronting Laska with her own failure.

I love that description..

Laska : *pouts*

Montey Python: 'After all, every sperm is saaaa-cred, every sperm is gooood!'

LOL! How... uh, fitting? Is that the right word?

"Are you going to have to tell me what's going on, or do I have to kick your teeth in?" Laska said calmly.

Tactful, Laska

I'm strongly suspecting that it is...

Well done!

"A minor annoyance from your past that is of no consequence at the moment," Naraphim said. "I've sent him back to wonder this place in darkness for the time being."

It is him, isn't it? Laska's encounter with him should be.. interesting.. to say the least.

Definitely. Laska and him hate each other's guts severely.

Omg! Laska, what have you done?!

Wait for it...

LOL!!

Couldn't resist.

Only just now?

LOL! Exactly.

"No, but I realized one thing. We, so called servants of goodness, are the same as those we pretend to combat. Heaven is just as corrupt and rotten as Hell is, but Heaven just tends to hide it better. Heaven is a cesspool of hypocrisy and lies. Solars manipulate and scheme just as aptly as the Baatezu do, and in their devotion to do good, they are just as ruthless, destructive, unyielding and vile in their methods as the Tanar'ri. When the truth becomes so clear, the differences between good and evil are nonexistent. So, I did not Fall. I left."

Interesting twist..

A bit of a background makes the world go round.

Laska would hate it. Is her alignment going to change at all? (In fact, what is her alignment?)

Mostly CG with some big CN tendancies. But she's chaotic, so he likes her.

"... Or a good push in the direction," Naraphim grinned after the splash had subsided."

Ack! Roast Laska! Again!

Again.

Yay! Good stuff!

Thank you!

[Weyoun]

Don't come to holland and belgium, then. Mayo is pretty much standard on fries (I refuse to call them french fries. They're invented by the belgiums, not the goddamn french.)

Yeah, I know how things are done over there... friend of mine from Chicago does it, too. Go figure.

Anyway, they may not have been invented in France, but they're still "french fries," seeing as how the term comes from this:

french:
1 : to trim the meat from the end of the bone of (as a chop)
2 : to cut (green beans) in thin lengthwise strips before cooking

WEll, the problem might be that the name french fries is literally translated into 'Franse Frietjes', which is a lot less ambiguous and jarring than the english version. Heh, this translation tended to piss off my english teacher too... he had roots Belgium, so it's understandable. I much prefer our word for those FF's. 'Patat' or 'Friet'.