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#21 Laufey

Posted 17 July 2005 - 02:14 PM

“No!” Ashley shouted. “No, no, no! Where’s the barbarian passion of Grignr, I ask you? You’re supposed to be Grignr, Barbarian King of the halfli…er…of the Ecordians! You love this girl, you’ve only just met her and want to impress her, you want to court her, please her, squeeze her, right? Now grab her hand and force it against your groin while you rub yourself against her leg and admire her glistening organs of sight and puffy passion pillows.”

Actually… this would be quite popular with the porno addicts… tho it reminds me of those old XXX theatres… one's I heard they had like underground garages for people to park in so they wouldn't be seen and stuff... if they even existed...


I wouldn't know really, I was just trying to make it as awful and tasteless as possible. :)
Rogues do it from behind.

#22 Weyoun

Posted 19 July 2005 - 01:06 AM

Disclaimer: Contains intentionally awful lines. May the gods have mercy on my soul for writing them.


Any final words before we take you to the chair? :)

“Yes, it is I!” Ashley Parsley triumphantly stated. “Come to drag you miserable amateurs out of the swamp of incompetence you wallow in, and to let you find succor in the fruits of my loins…er…of my genius, of course.” The runty halfling was wearing his customary sneer, and also a very odd-looking tunic. It was rather large and baggy, easily reached his knees and had short sleeves. On the front of it was a magically enchanted picture of Ashley’s face, and its eyes tended to roam around the room in a very disconcerting way. Above that picture, hot pink letters flashed on and off in the legend ‘Supreme Stage Sage’.


...

This is how wars get started.

“Like writing, directing and playacting?” the half-elf sweetly replied.


Those... insignificant things, really. :(

“Like sycophancy!” Ashley scoffed. “Getting on with people! Having what you no doubt think of as ‘fun’. Making…ew…’friends’. Who needs them anyway? As if the theatre is a place for that! Friends – ha!”


Ashley : Friends?! Pwah! The theatre is for getting laid, obviously. All those unemployed actresses wanting to share the stage with magnificent me, and who can blame them? Oh, I wish I could accommodate them all, but showbusiness is harsh. Auditions are... stimulating, though.

“See!” Ashley yelled, spittle flying from his mouth. “SEE! That’s EXACTLY what I mean! Sycophants, all of them! What you need, what you really need, is for me to take you under my wing and teach you how these things should be done! To instill your work with all the essentialities, loincloths, barbarians, epileptic gibbering high priests and opaque-nosed wenches in tiny golden bikinis!” He sniffed. “Or maybe you think you’re above such things? Maybe you think you don’t owe it to the sheep…er…adoring public…to rise above your lowly efforts and reach the heady heights of Apprentice Stage Sagery?”


Reminds me of GTA : SA's 'Gardening with Maurice' radio-show :

Man: "Yeah, I heard what you said about bonsai trees, and you know what? You can stick that green thumb right up your ass!"

Maurice: "Ho-ho-ho, yes! Another man who grows miniature plants, so he can feel like a giant. A real man loves enormous trees, that he can have his way with! Chopping them down, and using the wood to fashion rocking horses, and-and suggestive whirly-gigs. OK, we're running out of time. Literally. But again, like a seed sewn in a hurricane, or a mushroom spore from outer space, the garden goes on. I'm Maurice, until next time, dig a hole, and plant yourself!" :)

”As opposed to being a professional idiot…” Viconia murmured.


Go Vic!

Tnt Vic : Yay... me? *looks really confused*

“…cannot possibly hope to compete with my rare and dazzling genius, and my works of high drama and tenderly tasteful passion.”


Here, Rose snickered loudly.


“Not to mention my keen and thrusting insight into the mysteries of the feminine mind!”


Ashley : "Women are men with boobies!" :(

“Away with you, you blubbering Rashemite man-slut!” Ashley hissed.


:roll:

It was Agaphim! :D

Parsley Place, Ashley Parsley’s own theatre, was about twice as big as the theatre at the Five Flagons, and built in what had apparently once been an old bank. There was a lot of white marble about still, and the copper roof gleamed in the sun. The most striking thing about the place was on top of the roof though. A gigantic floating head spun on top of the roof, so that it could overlook the entire Bridge District and miss nothing. Ashley Parsley was no beauty in person, but his face bloated up to twenty times its natural size was downright scary. Below, there were more glowing magical letters, each one as tall as a man. They announced that this was ‘Parsley Place – Home Of The Stage Sage’, and a set of smaller letters told the world that here you might soon view ‘The Passion Of Grignr, A Saga Supreme Of Adventure And Romance’.


Ah, yes! Ashley's Grignr : Can walk over water... for about 0.3 seconds. Has the amazing power to turn water into urine! :D


“I feel ill,” Viconia said, grinding her teeth. “That male, if one can call him that, deserves to have all his appendages bitten off by rabid rothe for subjecting me to this tasteless display.”


Yes! How dare he do that to Vic?! *snarls evilly*

The first thing they noticed as they passed inside the theatre was the large gift shop right next to the ticket booth. A bored-looking teenage clerk dwelt there, amidst a jungle of the baggy tunics. Rini looked through some of them, and apart from the version she had already seen she found such gems as ‘Popular Parsley!’, ‘Passionate Amazing Riveting Sexy Legendary Excellent Youthful’, ‘I Lurv Stage Sage’, and one very clearly feminine and tight model that proclaimed the wearer to be a ‘Theatre Tootsie’.


You forgot 'Ashley Christ SuperStar' :) And 'Lieutenant Ashley Sex-Machine, homicide'. :)

“Yummy, eh?” the halfling said. His eyes took on a slightly glassy look. “Can’t you just imagine it…those delicious tidbits being rolled around inside a delicately feminine mouth…pushed here and there by her velvety smooth tongue…so pink…so soft…so moist…”


Feminine insights, huh?

Finally, she came to a halt in front of a shelf with dolls, all of which were miniature versions of Ashley Parsley.


Great! Where's the gun! :)

Jan picked one of them up and squeezed it, and it immediately squeaked out ‘You suck!’.


“Ah, nothing like honesty!” Parsley proudly proclaimed. “They also say ‘Rub me’, ‘Worship me’, ‘I want my socks’ and ‘Ashley for Emperor’ among many other things. I call them ‘Mini Ashleys’, and I expect them to be a great hit, not that you would recognize a business opportunity if it came up and bit you on the bum, I’m sure. Anatomically correct they are too, with full and strapping halflinghoods on the lot of them. Anyway, moving on, moving on, it’s time you got a look at what a proper play should be…”


Not the socks! Not the socks! Not the halflinghoods, not the.... I just died... :)

“Minsc does not understand, what is a ‘halflinghood’?” the big ranger asked, frowning with bafflement. “Is it a special hat for halflings?”


That's a good idea. I bet one durex could fit exactly over his head... one need only staple the end to his neck and he'll suffocate soon enough. :)

The auditorium was fairly big, and refreshingly neat and clean. Somewhat less refreshing were the large portraits of Ashley Parsley that hung from each of the boxes, but Zaerini found that it was possible to avoid looking at those if you concentrated really hard. On the wide stage, in front of a set portraying a crowded inn, there were two people. One was a young woman, dressed in a rather skimpy blouse and a torn skirt. She was chewing idly on a lock of silver-blonde hair, looking very bored. The other was a very large human man, wearing only a furry loincloth. Zaerini tried not to stare, but there was something utterly fascinating about how all those muscles rippled back and forth at his slightest motion. Viconia was grinning openly. The man had bright red hair plaited into braids, and wore a large wooden sword strapped to his back. Behind him there was a large barrel. He was also holding up a pineapple, gazing mournfully at it.


;)

“Yes sir,” the actor sighed, and then he cleared his throat, turning to the girl. An expression of pain crossed his face. “You and me…make love well, wench?”


This would be a good time to consider a career-path of an arsonist.

“No!” Ashley shouted. “No, no, no! Where’s the barbarian passion of Grignr, I ask you? You’re supposed to be Grignr, Barbarian King of the halfli…er…of the Ecordians! You love this girl, you’ve only just met her and want to impress her, you want to court her, please her, squeeze her, right? Now grab her hand and force it against your groin while you rub yourself against her leg and admire her glistening organs of sight and puffy passion pillows.”


*rams head in the fall repeatedly.*

Weyoun : Puffy... passion... pillows...

Vierna : What's that?

Laska : Ashley means 'tits'.

Vierna : Oh.

The actor once again looked deeply pained. “Yes, sir, Mr Parsley, sir.” He cleared his throat, thrust his chest out, and addressed the girl in front of him. “You be one fine and lusty piece of totty, wench.” He grasped her hand, and reluctantly pressed it against him. “Bodacious Carthena, you…make this proud Ecordian feel like the hottest piece of yummy toast, ready to burn your…er…undulating love-flesh.” He closed his eyes briefly, and then went on. “There be a barrel of Barbarian Butter right here – go on, baby, and butter the barbarian up.”


...

I will never, ever forgive you for this. :) :) :) :)

At this, Ashley sighed blissfully, a wide smile on his lips. The girl playing Carthena looked a bit more skeptical. “Sounds awfully sticky,” she told her employer. “I don’t like getting sticky. Can’t recall it being in my contract that I should get sticky. I’ll want to clean off afterwards.”


:) I honestly don't know what to say...

“Of course on stage! And when you’re in there, I want you to pretend to be a rubber duck.” Ashley’s face was getting shiny with sweat now, and his eyes were slightly unfocused. “A rubber duck…with its bum…tilting upwards as it dives for food and is weighted down by its…its enormous bill…yeah…rubber duck…” He blinked, and then seemed to come back to himself. “Come to think of it, you’re too ugly,” he told the actor. He grinned, and started tearing his tunic off displaying a rather scrawny torso. “Here, from now on you’ll wear this over your head whenever you’re on stage. We’ll cut eyeholes out for you, I suppose. And finally, finally Grignr will be as handsome as he deserves to be! Also, you will make your voice more high pitched, like mine. The girls in the audience will love that. Yeah…girls…”


Hmmm... I sense some of Ashley's deeply buried personal issues apparently at work here. :(

“I AM NOT SHORT! I AM A PERFECTLY PROPORTIONED HALFLING; EXCEPT FOR MY DUCK’S BILL, WHICH IS HUGE! HUGE, I TELL YOU!”


LEt's hope he's not top-heavy, then. :)

“Well, are you suitably impressed and ready to come to your senses and devour the supreme wisdom of the Stage Sage?”


I'd sooner stick my head in a bee's nest. :P

Ashley stamped his feet, his face an angry red. “Don’t care! Don’t care! I wanted to give you a final chance, out of the kindness of my heart, and you’re just being mean to me! Well, I’ve had it! That play of yours will never see its opening day, you have the word of the Stage Sage on that!”


Zaerini didn’t reply at once, and she gestured for her friends to do the same. Then, when she was almost out the door, she called out. “Oh Ashley…your ‘duck’s bill’ is hanging out. Want a pair of tweezers to put it back in your pants?”


Careful with his quarter of an inch. :(

Next: Back to Dekaras, who has quite a few things to worry about.


At least it doesn't involve Ecordians. ;)
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---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

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#23 Laufey

Posted 19 July 2005 - 04:00 AM


Disclaimer: Contains intentionally awful lines. May the gods have mercy on my soul for writing them.


Any final words before we take you to the chair? :D


Er...mercy? :D



“Like writing, directing and playacting?” the half-elf sweetly replied.


Those... insignificant things, really. :D


Yep. :D



“See!” Ashley yelled, spittle flying from his mouth. “SEE! That’s EXACTLY what I mean! Sycophants, all of them! What you need, what you really need, is for me to take you under my wing and teach you how these things should be done! To instill your work with all the essentialities, loincloths, barbarians, epileptic gibbering high priests and opaque-nosed wenches in tiny golden bikinis!” He sniffed. “Or maybe you think you’re above such things? Maybe you think you don’t owe it to the sheep…er…adoring public…to rise above your lowly efforts and reach the heady heights of Apprentice Stage Sagery?”


Reminds me of GTA : SA's 'Gardening with Maurice' radio-show :


Man: "Yeah, I heard what you said about bonsai trees, and you know what? You can stick that green thumb right up your ass!"


Maurice: "Ho-ho-ho, yes! Another man who grows miniature plants, so he can feel like a giant. A real man loves enormous trees, that he can have his way with! Chopping them down, and using the wood to fashion rocking horses, and-and suggestive whirly-gigs. OK, we're running out of time. Literally. But again, like a seed sewn in a hurricane, or a mushroom spore from outer space, the garden goes on. I'm Maurice, until next time, dig a hole, and plant yourself!" :D


You know...I can *really* envision Ashley performing the Lumberjack song. :)


”As opposed to being a professional idiot…” Viconia murmured.


Go Vic!


Tnt Vic : Yay... me? *looks really confused*


Yay Vic! :D

[


“Away with you, you blubbering Rashemite man-slut!” Ashley hissed.


;)


It was Agaphim! :)


That it was! :D


Parsley Place, Ashley Parsley’s own theatre, was about twice as big as the theatre at the Five Flagons, and built in what had apparently once been an old bank. There was a lot of white marble about still, and the copper roof gleamed in the sun. The most striking thing about the place was on top of the roof though. A gigantic floating head spun on top of the roof, so that it could overlook the entire Bridge District and miss nothing. Ashley Parsley was no beauty in person, but his face bloated up to twenty times its natural size was downright scary. Below, there were more glowing magical letters, each one as tall as a man. They announced that this was ‘Parsley Place – Home Of The Stage Sage’, and a set of smaller letters told the world that here you might soon view ‘The Passion Of Grignr, A Saga Supreme Of Adventure And Romance’.


Ah, yes! Ashley's Grignr : Can walk over water... for about 0.3 seconds. Has the amazing power to turn water into urine! :)


And text into offal!


“I feel ill,” Viconia said, grinding her teeth. “That male, if one can call him that, deserves to have all his appendages bitten off by rabid rothe for subjecting me to this tasteless display.”


Yes! How dare he do that to Vic?! *snarls evilly*


Don't worry, she'll be OK. :)


The first thing they noticed as they passed inside the theatre was the large gift shop right next to the ticket booth. A bored-looking teenage clerk dwelt there, amidst a jungle of the baggy tunics. Rini looked through some of them, and apart from the version she had already seen she found such gems as ‘Popular Parsley!’, ‘Passionate Amazing Riveting Sexy Legendary Excellent Youthful’, ‘I Lurv Stage Sage’, and one very clearly feminine and tight model that proclaimed the wearer to be a ‘Theatre Tootsie’.


You forgot 'Ashley Christ SuperStar' :D And 'Lieutenant Ashley Sex-Machine, homicide'. :)


Eeeeewwww!


“Yummy, eh?” the halfling said. His eyes took on a slightly glassy look. “Can’t you just imagine it…those delicious tidbits being rolled around inside a delicately feminine mouth…pushed here and there by her velvety smooth tongue…so pink…so soft…so moist…”


Feminine insights, huh?


Something like that. :)


Finally, she came to a halt in front of a shelf with dolls, all of which were miniature versions of Ashley Parsley.


Great! Where's the gun! :D


*hands Weyoun a shotgun* :D



“Ah, nothing like honesty!” Parsley proudly proclaimed. “They also say ‘Rub me’, ‘Worship me’, ‘I want my socks’ and ‘Ashley for Emperor’ among many other things. I call them ‘Mini Ashleys’, and I expect them to be a great hit, not that you would recognize a business opportunity if it came up and bit you on the bum, I’m sure. Anatomically correct they are too, with full and strapping halflinghoods on the lot of them. Anyway, moving on, moving on, it’s time you got a look at what a proper play should be…”


Not the socks! Not the socks! Not the halflinghoods, not the.... I just died... :)



Sorry. :)


“Minsc does not understand, what is a ‘halflinghood’?” the big ranger asked, frowning with bafflement. “Is it a special hat for halflings?”


That's a good idea. I bet one durex could fit exactly over his head... one need only staple the end to his neck and he'll suffocate soon enough. :)


:roll:



“No!” Ashley shouted. “No, no, no! Where’s the barbarian passion of Grignr, I ask you? You’re supposed to be Grignr, Barbarian King of the halfli…er…of the Ecordians! You love this girl, you’ve only just met her and want to impress her, you want to court her, please her, squeeze her, right? Now grab her hand and force it against your groin while you rub yourself against her leg and admire her glistening organs of sight and puffy passion pillows.”


*rams head in the fall repeatedly.*


Weyoun : Puffy... passion... pillows...


Vierna : What's that?


Laska : Ashley means 'tits'.


Vierna : Oh.


:( :( :(


The actor once again looked deeply pained. “Yes, sir, Mr Parsley, sir.” He cleared his throat, thrust his chest out, and addressed the girl in front of him. “You be one fine and lusty piece of totty, wench.” He grasped her hand, and reluctantly pressed it against him. “Bodacious Carthena, you…make this proud Ecordian feel like the hottest piece of yummy toast, ready to burn your…er…undulating love-flesh.” He closed his eyes briefly, and then went on. “There be a barrel of Barbarian Butter right here – go on, baby, and butter the barbarian up.”


...


I will never, ever forgive you for this. :) :) :) :D


Awwww.... :(


At this, Ashley sighed blissfully, a wide smile on his lips. The girl playing Carthena looked a bit more skeptical. “Sounds awfully sticky,” she told her employer. “I don’t like getting sticky. Can’t recall it being in my contract that I should get sticky. I’ll want to clean off afterwards.”


:) I honestly don't know what to say...


Mercy? :)


“Of course on stage! And when you’re in there, I want you to pretend to be a rubber duck.” Ashley’s face was getting shiny with sweat now, and his eyes were slightly unfocused. “A rubber duck…with its bum…tilting upwards as it dives for food and is weighted down by its…its enormous bill…yeah…rubber duck…” He blinked, and then seemed to come back to himself. “Come to think of it, you’re too ugly,” he told the actor. He grinned, and started tearing his tunic off displaying a rather scrawny torso. “Here, from now on you’ll wear this over your head whenever you’re on stage. We’ll cut eyeholes out for you, I suppose. And finally, finally Grignr will be as handsome as he deserves to be! Also, you will make your voice more high pitched, like mine. The girls in the audience will love that. Yeah…girls…”


Hmmm... I sense some of Ashley's deeply buried personal issues apparently at work here. :P


Definitely so!



Next: Back to Dekaras, who has quite a few things to worry about.


At least it doesn't involve Ecordians. :)


I think that's about the one thing I haven't put him through yet. ;)
Rogues do it from behind.

#24 Guest_Alyth_*

Posted 19 July 2005 - 04:15 AM

And cats like to play with small and loudly squeaking creatures.


Small, loudly squeaking creatures like Ashley? :(


Zaerini looked at him for a few seconds as she digested this. “Ashley,” she then said. “Nobody around here likes you. At all. Now get out of here and stop annoying me, unless you want to make me really mad.”

For a few seconds, Ashley Parsley’s face took on a blank look of incomprehension. Then he shrugged and went on as if he hadn’t heard a word she’d said.


Completely over his head. :)


“Away with you, you blubbering Rashemite man-slut!” Ashley hissed.


:roll: :)


“I feel ill,” Viconia said, grinding her teeth. “That male, if one can call him that, deserves to have all his appendages bitten off by rabid rothe for subjecting me to this tasteless display.”


He barely qualifies as one, Viccy. :( You don't want to poison those poor rothe, now do you?


“Yummy, eh?” the halfling said. His eyes took on a slightly glassy look. “Can’t you just imagine it…those delicious tidbits being rolled around inside a delicately feminine mouth…pushed here and there by her velvety smooth tongue…so pink…so soft…so moist…”


:) I agree with Viccy. I feel ill.


"I call them ‘Mini Ashleys’"


:) Austin Powers?


Yet another great chapter, Laufey. :( ;) :(


#25 Laufey

Posted 19 July 2005 - 05:20 PM

And cats like to play with small and loudly squeaking creatures.


Small, loudly squeaking creatures like Ashley? :P


Exactly. :D

Zaerini looked at him for a few seconds as she digested this. “Ashley,” she then said. “Nobody around here likes you. At all. Now get out of here and stop annoying me, unless you want to make me really mad.”


For a few seconds, Ashley Parsley’s face took on a blank look of incomprehension. Then he shrugged and went on as if he hadn’t heard a word she’d said.


Completely over his head. :D


He finds it really, really hard to comprehend that somebody is capable of disliking him.


“I feel ill,” Viconia said, grinding her teeth. “That male, if one can call him that, deserves to have all his appendages bitten off by rabid rothe for subjecting me to this tasteless display.”


He barely qualifies as one, Viccy. :P You don't want to poison those poor rothe, now do you?


No, that would be mean! :D

“Yummy, eh?” the halfling said. His eyes took on a slightly glassy look. “Can’t you just imagine it…those delicious tidbits being rolled around inside a delicately feminine mouth…pushed here and there by her velvety smooth tongue…so pink…so soft…so moist…”


:) I agree with Viccy. I feel ill.


Then I guess I did well. :D

"I call them ‘Mini Ashleys’"


:( Austin Powers?


Sort of, yes.

Yet another great chapter, Laufey. :P :D :(


Thanks very much, and welcome to the Attic! :P
Rogues do it from behind.

#26 Guest_Alyth_*

Posted 19 July 2005 - 11:29 PM

Quote:

Yet another great chapter, Laufey.


Thanks very much, and welcome to the Attic!


Thank you for the welcome. Yunami _Silverblade, a.k.a Silverdragon_Yunami, recommended the site, saying it had some good fics and she was right. :D





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