Disclaimer: Contains dangerous lunatic - not Xzar.
Cards Reshuffled 251 – Ogres And Muffins And Golems, Oh My!
There has to be something about adventurers that attracts insane people. Why, hardly a week goes by when I don’t encounter some kind of flaming loony, usually one hell-bent on finding out what my insides look like when removed from my body. Of course, some people would probably say that like attracts like – adventuring isn’t an occupation for ‘normal’ people, after all.
Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’
It felt rather strange, Valygar thought, walking about openly among people again. Of course he would still have to be discreet once he returned to Athkatla, and the Sphere, but at least here in Imnesvale any rumors about him being a ruthless murderer had been cleared up. Valygar wasn’t certain exactly what Zaerini had said to Minster Lloyd, but the man had been so ecstatically grateful after the Shade Lord’s destruction that he would probably have granted her his office. Letting Valygar go about his business in the village undisturbed was a small favor to grant indeed.
There was a Cowled Wizard living in Imnesvale, to be sure, but Valygar knew that the old man was completely preoccupied with his research, and uninterested in everything else that went on around him. He hardly set foot outside his door, and was unlikely to cause trouble.
Thus, Valygar was enjoying himself taking a nice, solitary evening walk. The hero celebration was still going on, but by now the ranger had had quite enough of it and was longing for some fresh air and solitude to think things over.
He had fulfilled the promise he had made to his strange new companions, and Zaerini had reassured him once again that they would be returning to Athkatla now, to deal with the Sphere.
“And Tolgerias…” she’d said, grinning broadly. “Well, we’ll just have to tell him ‘thanks, but no thanks’, right?”
Valygar didn’t think it would be that easy, not at all. Yet, for all her flippant attitude, he had to admit that the girl wasn’t totally incompetent.
The stars were out by now, and Valygar allowed himself a faint smile as he looked up at them, inhaling the fresh evening air deeply. Soon now, Lavok. Soon it will all be over. Would he survive that meeting? Perhaps, perhaps not. But there was no other way but forward, not if he wanted to live his life as anything other than a slave to the past. I was born a Corthala, with all that entails, but that doesn’t mean I must live like that.
He had passed quite some distance away from the village now, and was deep within the trees, approaching the northern hills. As he walked and thought, part of him listened, watched, and filed information away. Mountain lion in that thicket…moving away…hunting owl…mother deer with her fawn…ogres…
Ogres?
Valygar blinked, and came to a sudden halt. There, by a small creek, stood two ogres, one of them quite large, a troll, a gnoll and an orc. They hadn’t spotted him yet, he had been moving silently enough. Attacking them on my own is not an option. And if I go back to town, they may leave in the meantime, forcing me to track them down later. No, I think I’ll stay here for now, see what they’re up to.
“But how?” the gnoll was saying, then made a whining noise deep within its furry throat. “They see us, they kill us.” It yipped with distress. “Don’t want no more fighting, just wanna few nice bones to gnaw on and a cozy spot by the fire…”
“We could just go away,” one of the ogres suggested, scratching her thick brown hair as she furrowed her brow. “Deep into the woods, wouldn’t that be nice? No torches and pitchforks…”
“Look, it’s worth a try,” the second ogre said. This one was quite large, and was wearing a rather hideous orange tunic. “The worst they can do is say ‘no’, right?”
“No,” the orc snapped, “worst they can do is to pin all our heads on stakes and feed our sorry carcasses to their flea-bitten dogs!” He gave the gnoll an apologetic look. “Sorry, Fido.”
“You’re all morons,” the troll sneered, tossing his head. Carrot red braids flew in the air, and nearly entangled themselves with his tusks. “All of you. If you’d only listened to me, Madulf…”
“…then we’d have waltzed up to the village and told their leader he’s a ‘rotten, fat, corrupt bastard’ for not welcoming us,” the large ogre filled in, and cuffed the troll over the head. “Yeah, great idea, Musty. That’ll make them take us in for sure.” He cleared his throat. “Look, people are scared of us, and with good reason. We can’t make them like us, it doesn’t work that way, we’re just going to have to…”
The gnoll sniffed the air, nostrils widening. “Er…guys…I…smell Human! Behind those trees!” He started barking excitedly, nose in the air.
Damn, Valygar thought to himself. I’m sure I’m downwind of them, he must have a snout like a bloodhound.
“Right, right,” the large ogre was saying, making soothing little noises to his companions. “No panic, please.” He cleared his throat. “Hello? Anybody human out there? We…er…come in peace. Please, could we have a word? You’ll be quite safe.”
Fighting was hardly an option. Running was an equally bad one, they could surely run as fast as he could, and the gnoll could smell him. Parlay it is, then.
“Speak,” Valygar said, as he stepped forward from the trees, and he kept his hand quite obviously on his katana. “I will listen.”
“My name is Madulf, and these are my friends,” the ogre said. “We mean your human village no harm, we’re just looking for a place to settle. Please, will you speak to your mayor for us, explain what we want?”
“Perhaps,” Valygar said. “Explain first. But remember, humans fear ogres will bring chaos. I can make no promises.”
-*-
Jaheira, too, had decided to catch some air. It was getting rather hot and noisy indoors, now that the feast was well underway, and the by now quite drunken Minister Lloyd kept trying to question her about the details of druidic life, having obviously read some very imaginative books involving nude dancing in the moonlight. Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one.
She had noticed Zaerini and Edwin slip away, and there had been a sharp sting of pain, as the unwelcome thoughts assaulted her. Had Khalid been alive, and here with her, they would soon be retiring to their room. She could almost see the loving look on his face, almost hear the passion in his voice, the passion that few people would have guessed the mild-mannered warrior was capable of. But she had seen, and she had known.
And I…have lost. Vengeance, I will carve that out of Irenicus’ cursed hide myself, but…
But then what? She didn’t know, couldn’t even begin to imagine it.
It does not matter. What will be will be.
Slipping her cloak on against the by now somewhat cool air, Jaheira quietly slipped outside, relishing the peace and solitude. It wasn’t long though, before that peaceful solitude was broken.
Near the center of the village, a few vendors usually gathered in the daytime, hawking everything from weapons to ale to thimbles. Right now, the regular vendors were gone, presumably participating in the celebration. Instead, a small shape sat huddled against the wall, clutching a basket tightly in her arms. A child? Then the shape raised its head, displaying a mop of frizzled dirty blonde hair, a pair of slightly bulging watery blue eyes, and a nose so large that it almost bumped into the chin. No. A gnome. There was a very pleasant smell coming from the basket, the smell of something freshly baked.
The gnome startled as she noticed Jaheira, and then a wide, bright and just a little disturbing smile plastered itself all over her face. She leapt to her feet and sidled over towards the druid, dragging her basket behind her. “So, do you like muffins?” she asked without preamble.
Ah. Just another vendor, it seems. “Why, yes,” the druid politely replied. “I do like muffins.”
“Oh gooooood!” the gnome said, giggling wildly. She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “I only trust people who like muffins, you know.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” She made a quick grimace, and there was a little twitch in her left cheek. “Wicked, tricksy, false, all of them! How can you not like muffins? Muffins are warm, they’re tender, they’re sweet and pure.” She advanced a little more, and her smile became just a notch brighter. “Muffins are PURE GOODNESS! Too good for this world.”
“If you say so,” Jaheira replied. “Now, if you will excuse me, I…”
The gnome clutched Jaheira’s leg desperately, her bulging eyes brimming with the intelligent expression of runny eggs. “Do you really like muffins? You’re not just saying so?”
“No.”
“Prove it! Prove it you’re to be trusted! Which muffin is your favorite kind?”
Briefly, Jaheira considered rapping the gnome over her knuckles with her scimitar, in order to get away. No. I might as well reply, if it will make her go away. “Blueberry,” she curtly replied. “I like to eat a nice blueberry muffin for breakfast now and then, when I have the time. Now, I really must…”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” The gnome shrieked with horror, shrieked as if somebody had just torn her heart out, and her frizzy hair stood straight up. “NOOOOOOO! You…you…you monster! Murderer! MUFFIN-SLAYER!”
Jaheira blinked. “Oh, shut your face, you little fool,” she snapped, shaking her leg to try to dislodge the yelling gnome. “What utter nonsense. Muffins are meant to be eaten. Surprising as it may seem to you, a muffin is not a person.”
“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”
Jaheira finally managed to kick her off, and snorted briefly. “I can see that,” she said. “The ones with a lot of fruit and nuts inside.” In the background, she was vaguely aware of some very loud noises coming from one of the houses down the street. Roars. Crashing sounds, like splintering furniture. She ignored it, seeing that the gnome was now pulling a very large bread knife out of her basket, where it had lain hidden underneath the pure and innocent goodness of the muffins. The knife didn’t look very pure or innocent at all, but it was very sharp.
“Nobody eats a muffin in my town,” the gnome hissed, smiling gleefully.
Heavy footsteps, swiftly approaching.
“You want to step aside now,” Jaheira said as she raised her scimitar.
A large and bulky shape, red eyes glowing fiercely.
“Ha!” the gnome scoffed. “Why would I want that? The muffins are with me, I’m fighting the good fight here.” Then she squealed with horror, as a ten-feet tall clay golem came crashing into her from behind, trampling her underfoot as it fled in horror. It raced on down the street, howling loudly, and almost managed to reach the edge of the forest before a hail of glowing miniature meteors made it explode into a cloud of dust.
“Jaheira? What’s going on?” Zaerini’s eyes were wide with surprise, and she turned her attention from the dead golem to the prone, but still alive gnome on the ground. It was with some relish that Jaheira noticed that most of the muffins had been trodden flat. Edwin accompanied the bard, not surprisingly, and they both looked rather out of breath. From the house down the street, somebody could be heard crying ‘Daddy! Oh no!’
“What is going on?” Jaheira asked. “I might well ask you the same question.”
“And so could I,” Valygar’s voice said from behind them. It was with a kind of weary resignation that Jaheira noticed he was accompanied by a large ogre, one that looked very perplexed. I should know better than to be surprised by anything that happens while traveling with this group, I really should.
“I was accosted by an insane gnome with a muffin obsession,” Jaheira said with a small shrug.
“The Muffin Woman,” Valygar said. “She would be the village idiot of Imnesvale. They usually have somebody keep her in line. I guess they forgot in the excitement of the party.”
“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” Then she shrugged in the direction of the house from where the wails were still coming. “Eddie and I found this Mimic, and brought some of its blood back to the wizard Ano met earlier, the one who wanted it to animate his pet golem. Good thing he paid us before the thing went nuts and smashed his head in.”
“And the woman crying would be his poor daughter?”
Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.”
Zaerini bit her lip. “Maybe, but even if he brought it on himself I still feel kinda sorry for her.” Then, she winked. “I know, we could always bring her some muffins to cheer her up. It might help at least a little bit.”
The ogre turned towards Valygar, clearing his throat. He still was looking very confused. “And you say humans fear ogres will bring chaos?” he asked.
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.
Cards Reshuffled 251
Started by Laufey, May 21 2005 08:49 AM
28 replies to this topic
#2
Guest_Kulyok_*
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 09:10 AM
Disclaimer: Contains dangerous lunatic - not Xzar.
Well, as long as it is not Jan Jansen...
Thus, Valygar was enjoying himself taking a nice, solitary evening walk. The hero celebration was still going on, but by now the ranger had had quite enough of it and was longing for some fresh air and solitude to think things over.
And I can quite understand: travelling with a mad hand, a cute Red Wizard and a Jansen can wear down any man.
He had passed quite some distance away from the village now, and was deep within the trees, approaching the northern hills. As he walked and thought, part of him listened, watched, and filed information away. Mountain lion in that thicket…moving away…hunting owl…mother deer with her fawn…ogres…
Very nice paragraph.
“But how?” the gnoll was saying, then made a whining noise deep within its furry throat. “They see us, they kill us.” It yipped with distress. “Don’t want no more fighting, just wanna few nice bones to gnaw on and a cozy spot by the fire…”
Awww...
“No,” the orc snapped, “worst they can do is to pin all our heads on stakes and feed our sorry carcasses to their flea-bitten dogs!” He gave the gnoll an apologetic look. “Sorry, Fido.”
Fido? That reminds me...
“Right, right,” the large ogre was saying, making soothing little noises to his companions. “No panic, please.” He cleared his throat. “Hello? Anybody human out there? We…er…come in peace. Please, could we have a word? You’ll be quite safe.”
“Perhaps,” Valygar said. “Explain first. But remember, humans fear ogres will bring chaos. I can make no promises.”
Mmm... I had difficulties reading the phrase "humans fear ogres will bring chaos". I think that even with "that" inserted it does not sound very well.
Perhaps it merits a slight rephrasing, here?She had noticed Zaerini and Edwin slip away, and there had been a sharp sting of pain, as the unwelcome thoughts assaulted her. Had Khalid been alive, and here with her, they would soon be retiring to their room. She could almost see the loving look on his face, almost hear the passion in his voice, the passion that few people would have guessed the mild-mannered warrior was capable of. But she had seen, and she had known.
But then what? She didn’t know, couldn’t even begin to imagine it.
Then you'll be happy with Anomen, Jae. For a few decades. Then you'll bury him, Rini'll bury Edwin, and... no, nothing happy here.
“Oh gooooood!” the gnome said, giggling wildly. She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “I only trust people who like muffins, you know.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” She made a quick grimace, and there was a little twitch in her left cheek. “Wicked, tricksy, false, all of them! How can you not like muffins? Muffins are warm, they’re tender, they’re sweet and pure.” She advanced a little more, and her smile became just a notch brighter. “Muffins are PURE GOODNESS! Too good for this world.”
Aw, very, very sweet! It is not a reference, is it?
“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”
She reminds me of Noober a bit: she, too, has nobody to talk to.
“Jaheira? What’s going on?” Zaerini’s eyes were wide with surprise, and she turned her attention from the dead golem to the prone, but still alive gnome on the ground. It was with some relish that Jaheira noticed that most of the muffins had been trodden flat. Edwin accompanied the bard, not surprisingly, and they both looked rather out of breath. From the house down the street, somebody could be heard crying ‘Daddy! Oh no!’
Hehehe, it must be very satisfying to decide which NPC to kill and which not to.
“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.”
Zaerini! Hygiene!
Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.”
Inheritance? Erm, it is very, very difficult for me to imagine that Edwin and Rini would not take care of this inheritance, while the girl is both in tears about her father and delirious with joy about the her upcoming marriage. Really.
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.
*clutches her head in advance*
Well, at least Rini can bicker with Dermin a bit.
Or with bandits. Oh, by the way, if Anomen would save Jaheira from bandits... mmmm.... CUTE! 
#3
Laufey
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Transcendant
Posted 21 May 2005 - 09:29 AM
[quote][quote]Disclaimer: Contains dangerous lunatic - not Xzar. [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Well, as long as it is not Jan Jansen...
[/quote]
It's not.
[quote]
[quote]Thus, Valygar was enjoying himself taking a nice, solitary evening walk. The hero celebration was still going on, but by now the ranger had had quite enough of it and was longing for some fresh air and solitude to think things over. [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
And I can quite understand: travelling with a mad hand, a cute Red Wizard and a Jansen can wear down any man.
[/quote]
Oh, absolutely.
[quote]
[quote]He had passed quite some distance away from the village now, and was deep within the trees, approaching the northern hills. As he walked and thought, part of him listened, watched, and filed information away. Mountain lion in that thicket…moving away…hunting owl…mother deer with her fawn…ogres…[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Very nice paragraph.
[/quote]
Thanks!
[quote]
[quote]“Perhaps,” Valygar said. “Explain first. But remember, humans fear ogres will bring chaos. I can make no promises.” [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Mmm... I had difficulties reading the phrase "humans fear ogres will bring chaos". I think that even with "that" inserted it does not sound very well. Perhaps it merits a slight rephrasing, here?
[/quote]
Hmm...you're right, it does sound a bit awkward. I'll have to try to rephrase it before reposting.
[quote]
[quote]But then what? She didn’t know, couldn’t even begin to imagine it. [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Then you'll be happy with Anomen, Jae. For a few decades. Then you'll bury him, Rini'll bury Edwin, and... no, nothing happy here.
[/quote]
We'll see...
[quote]
“Yes.” She made a quick grimace, and there was a little twitch in her left cheek. “Wicked, tricksy, false, all of them! How can you not like muffins? Muffins are warm, they’re tender, they’re sweet and pure.” She advanced a little more, and her smile became just a notch brighter. “Muffins are PURE GOODNESS! Too good for this world.” [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Aw, very, very sweet! It is not a reference, is it?
[/quote]
Just your general deranged madwoman, really.
[quote]
[quote]“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
She reminds me of Noober a bit: she, too, has nobody to talk to.
[/quote]
And we all know why.
[quote]
[quote]“Jaheira? What’s going on?” Zaerini’s eyes were wide with surprise, and she turned her attention from the dead golem to the prone, but still alive gnome on the ground. It was with some relish that Jaheira noticed that most of the muffins had been trodden flat. Edwin accompanied the bard, not surprisingly, and they both looked rather out of breath. From the house down the street, somebody could be heard crying ‘Daddy! Oh no!’[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Hehehe, it must be very satisfying to decide which NPC to kill and which not to.
[/quote]
Yes. Normally he always lives when I play the game, but for some reason I didn't feel like letting him.
[quote]
[quote]“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Zaerini! Hygiene!
[/quote]
Rini: What? It's *clean* dirt...mostly.
[quote]
[quote]Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.” [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Inheritance? Erm, it is very, very difficult for me to imagine that Edwin and Rini would not take care of this inheritance, while the girl is both in tears about her father and delirious with joy about the her upcoming marriage. Really.
[/quote]
Actually, I disagree. I don't think Rini would rob some girl who's just been orphaned, unless she found her really unpleasant. And Edwin, unscrupulous as he can be, isn't hugely into stealing, I don't think. For one thing, I'm sure he'd be afraid of getting caught.
[quote]
[quote]Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
*clutches her head in advance*
[/quote]
[quote]
Well, at least Rini can bicker with Dermin a bit. Or with bandits. Oh, by the way, if Anomen would save Jaheira from bandits... mmmm.... CUTE! [/quote]
Well, we'll see...
[/quote]
[quote]
Well, as long as it is not Jan Jansen...
[/quote]
It's not.
[quote]
[quote]Thus, Valygar was enjoying himself taking a nice, solitary evening walk. The hero celebration was still going on, but by now the ranger had had quite enough of it and was longing for some fresh air and solitude to think things over. [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
And I can quite understand: travelling with a mad hand, a cute Red Wizard and a Jansen can wear down any man.
[/quote]
Oh, absolutely.
[quote]
[quote]He had passed quite some distance away from the village now, and was deep within the trees, approaching the northern hills. As he walked and thought, part of him listened, watched, and filed information away. Mountain lion in that thicket…moving away…hunting owl…mother deer with her fawn…ogres…[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Very nice paragraph.
[/quote]
Thanks!
[quote]
[quote]“Perhaps,” Valygar said. “Explain first. But remember, humans fear ogres will bring chaos. I can make no promises.” [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Mmm... I had difficulties reading the phrase "humans fear ogres will bring chaos". I think that even with "that" inserted it does not sound very well.
Perhaps it merits a slight rephrasing, here?[/quote]
Hmm...you're right, it does sound a bit awkward. I'll have to try to rephrase it before reposting.
[quote]
[quote]But then what? She didn’t know, couldn’t even begin to imagine it. [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Then you'll be happy with Anomen, Jae. For a few decades. Then you'll bury him, Rini'll bury Edwin, and... no, nothing happy here.
[/quote]
We'll see...
[quote]
“Yes.” She made a quick grimace, and there was a little twitch in her left cheek. “Wicked, tricksy, false, all of them! How can you not like muffins? Muffins are warm, they’re tender, they’re sweet and pure.” She advanced a little more, and her smile became just a notch brighter. “Muffins are PURE GOODNESS! Too good for this world.” [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Aw, very, very sweet! It is not a reference, is it?
[/quote]
Just your general deranged madwoman, really.
[quote]
[quote]“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
She reminds me of Noober a bit: she, too, has nobody to talk to.
[/quote]
And we all know why.
[quote]
[quote]“Jaheira? What’s going on?” Zaerini’s eyes were wide with surprise, and she turned her attention from the dead golem to the prone, but still alive gnome on the ground. It was with some relish that Jaheira noticed that most of the muffins had been trodden flat. Edwin accompanied the bard, not surprisingly, and they both looked rather out of breath. From the house down the street, somebody could be heard crying ‘Daddy! Oh no!’[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Hehehe, it must be very satisfying to decide which NPC to kill and which not to.
[/quote]
Yes.
Normally he always lives when I play the game, but for some reason I didn't feel like letting him. [quote]
[quote]“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Zaerini! Hygiene!
[/quote]
Rini: What? It's *clean* dirt...mostly.
[quote]
[quote]Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.” [/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Inheritance? Erm, it is very, very difficult for me to imagine that Edwin and Rini would not take care of this inheritance, while the girl is both in tears about her father and delirious with joy about the her upcoming marriage. Really.
[/quote]
Actually, I disagree. I don't think Rini would rob some girl who's just been orphaned, unless she found her really unpleasant. And Edwin, unscrupulous as he can be, isn't hugely into stealing, I don't think. For one thing, I'm sure he'd be afraid of getting caught.
[quote]
[quote]Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
*clutches her head in advance*
[/quote]
[quote]
Well, at least Rini can bicker with Dermin a bit.
Or with bandits. Oh, by the way, if Anomen would save Jaheira from bandits... mmmm.... CUTE! [/quote]Well, we'll see...
Rogues do it from behind.
#4
Guest_Userunfriendly_*
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 09:35 AM
Disclaimer: Contains dangerous lunatic - not Xzar.
so the truth of jaheira's paranoid obsession with muffin carrying gnomes will be revealed?
Cards Reshuffled 251 – Ogres And Muffins And Golems, Oh My!
YAY!!!
There has to be something about adventurers that attracts insane people. Why, hardly a week goes by when I don’t encounter some kind of flaming loony, usually one hell-bent on finding out what my insides look like when removed from my body. Of course, some people would probably say that like attracts like – adventuring isn’t an occupation for ‘normal’ people, after all.
Yar...most adventurers are either fools who have read too many stories, or like rini forced into it...
There was a Cowled Wizard living in Imnesvale, to be sure, but Valygar knew that the old man was completely preoccupied with his research, and uninterested in everything else that went on around him. He hardly set foot outside his door, and was unlikely to cause trouble.
ever read Raymond Feist? his "Great Ones" are really mostly scholars and scientist types, but due to politics have to be rather like cowles in that they enforce the peace...but most of them wouldn't harm a fly, and prefer a good scroll or book with some nice tea rather than blasting away at criminals with arcane bolts..
Ogres?
yoiks...
“But how?” the gnoll was saying, then made a whining noise deep within its furry throat. “They see us, they kill us.” It yipped with distress. “Don’t want no more fighting, just wanna few nice bones to gnaw on and a cozy spot by the fire…”
and a chance to lick his..(deleted)
“Look, it’s worth a try,” the second ogre said. This one was quite large, and was wearing a rather hideous orange tunic. “The worst they can do is say ‘no’, right?”
same tailor as keldorn?
Damn, Valygar thought to himself. I’m sure I’m downwind of them, he must have a snout like a bloodhound.
fido the bloodhound...
“Perhaps,” Valygar said. “Explain first. But remember, humans fear ogres will bring chaos. I can make no promises.”
humans fear ogres will gnaw on them...they already make enough chaos on their own..
Jaheira, too, had decided to catch some air. It was getting rather hot and noisy indoors, now that the feast was well underway, and the by now quite drunken Minister Lloyd kept trying to question her about the details of druidic life, having obviously read some very imaginative books involving nude dancing in the moonlight. Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one.
Near the center of the village, a few vendors usually gathered in the daytime, hawking everything from weapons to ale to thimbles. Right now, the regular vendors were gone, presumably participating in the celebration. Instead, a small shape sat huddled against the wall, clutching a basket tightly in her arms. A child? Then the shape raised its head, displaying a mop of frizzled dirty blonde hair, a pair of slightly bulging watery blue eyes, and a nose so large that it almost bumped into the chin. No. A gnome. There was a very pleasant smell coming from the basket, the smell of something freshly baked.
I didn't know that there was a street named "Drury Lane" in town...
Ah. Just another vendor, it seems. “Why, yes,” the druid politely replied. “I do like muffins.”
ummm...muffin...
“Yes.” She made a quick grimace, and there was a little twitch in her left cheek. “Wicked, tricksy, false, all of them! How can you not like muffins? Muffins are warm, they’re tender, they’re sweet and pure.” She advanced a little more, and her smile became just a notch brighter. “Muffins are PURE GOODNESS! Too good for this world.”
why do i think she would really get along with the toaster from red dwarf?
Briefly, Jaheira considered rapping the gnome over her knuckles with her scimitar, in order to get away. No. I might as well reply, if it will make her go away. “Blueberry,” she curtly replied. “I like to eat a nice blueberry muffin for breakfast now and then, when I have the time. Now, I really must…”
blueberry muffin...
*drool*“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”
not fruitcakes?
Jaheira finally managed to kick her off, and snorted briefly. “I can see that,” she said. “The ones with a lot of fruit and nuts inside.” In the background, she was vaguely aware of some very loud noises coming from one of the houses down the street. Roars. Crashing sounds, like splintering furniture. She ignored it, seeing that the gnome was now pulling a very large bread knife out of her basket, where it had lain hidden underneath the pure and innocent goodness of the muffins. The knife didn’t look very pure or innocent at all, but it was very sharp.
“Nobody eats a muffin in my town,” the gnome hissed, smiling gleefully.
where on earth did you come up with the inspiration for this character?
“Ha!” the gnome scoffed. “Why would I want that? The muffins are with me, I’m fighting the good fight here.” Then she squealed with horror, as a ten-feet tall clay golem came crashing into her from behind, trampling her underfoot as it fled in horror. It raced on down the street, howling loudly, and almost managed to reach the edge of the forest before a hail of glowing miniature meteors made it explode into a cloud of dust.
melf minute meteors...just about the only thing that the terrifically magic resistant clay golems are vulnerable to...
“And so could I,” Valygar’s voice said from behind them. It was with a kind of weary resignation that Jaheira noticed he was accompanied by a large ogre, one that looked very perplexed. I should know better than to be surprised by anything that happens while traveling with this group, I really should.
its like jumping into a swimming pool...after the first few breathless seconds, you'll get used to it..
“I was accosted by an insane gnome with a muffin obsession,” Jaheira said with a small shrug.
i'd think you'd be used to it by now...
“The Muffin Woman,” Valygar said. “She would be the village idiot of Imnesvale. They usually have somebody keep her in line. I guess they forgot in the excitement of the party.”
“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” Then she shrugged in the direction of the house from where the wails were still coming. “Eddie and I found this Mimic, and brought some of its blood back to the wizard Ano met earlier, the one who wanted it to animate his pet golem. Good thing he paid us before the thing went nuts and smashed his head in.”
Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.”
sometimes eddy can be thoughlessly cruel...
Zaerini bit her lip. “Maybe, but even if he brought it on himself I still feel kinda sorry for her.” Then, she winked. “I know, we could always bring her some muffins to cheer her up. It might help at least a little bit.”
The ogre turned towards Valygar, clearing his throat. He still was looking very confused. “And you say humans fear ogres will bring chaos?” he asked.
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.
how bad can it be? YAY!!!
#5
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 09:55 AM
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Well, umm, Jan is a permanent party member, isn’t he?
“And Tolgerias…” she’d said, grinning broadly. “Well, we’ll just have to tell him ‘thanks, but no thanks’, right?”
Valygar didn’t think it would be that easy, not at all. Yet, for all her flippant attitude, he had to admit that the girl wasn’t totally incompetent.
She gets the job done… in her own, extremely chaotic way.
He had passed quite some distance away from the village now, and was deep within the trees, approaching the northern hills. As he walked and thought, part of him listened, watched, and filed information away. Mountain lion in that thicket…moving away…hunting owl…mother deer with her fawn…ogres…
Ogres?
Valygar, you say that as if it would be completely unnatural for ogres to just stand about in the middle of a forest.
“Look, it’s worth a try,” the second ogre said. This one was quite large, and was wearing a rather hideous orange tunic. “The worst they can do is say ‘no’, right?”
“No,” the orc snapped, “worst they can do is to pin all our heads on stakes and feed our sorry carcasses to their flea-bitten dogs!” He gave the gnoll an apologetic look. “Sorry, Fido.”
Fido?
And I’m afraid the orc is right. “Right, right,” the large ogre was saying, making soothing little noises to his companions. “No panic, please.” He cleared his throat. “Hello? Anybody human out there? We…er…come in peace. Please, could we have a word? You’ll be quite safe.”
They are a nice bunch. Umm, well, sort of.
Fighting was hardly an option. Running was an equally bad one, they could surely run as fast as he could, and the gnoll could smell him. Parlay it is, then.
Umm, running is a bad option only when they run faster than you.
Jaheira, too, had decided to catch some air. It was getting rather hot and noisy indoors, now that the feast was well underway, and the by now quite drunken Minister Lloyd kept trying to question her about the details of druidic life, having obviously read some very imaginative books involving nude dancing in the moonlight. Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one.
But not about the dancing itself, hmm?
She had noticed Zaerini and Edwin slip away, and there had been a sharp sting of pain, as the unwelcome thoughts assaulted her. Had Khalid been alive, and here with her, they would soon be retiring to their room. She could almost see the loving look on his face, almost hear the passion in his voice, the passion that few people would have guessed the mild-mannered warrior was capable of. But she had seen, and she had known.
At times like these, I really hope you could post a bit quicker, so that we can get over the worst part quicker… Slipping her cloak on against the by now somewhat cool air, Jaheira quietly slipped outside, relishing the peace and solitude. It wasn’t long though, before that peaceful solitude was broken.
Ah well, at least it will keep her away from moping too much.
The gnome startled as she noticed Jaheira, and then a wide, bright and just a little disturbing smile plastered itself all over her face. She leapt to her feet and sidled over towards the druid, dragging her basket behind her. “So, do you like muffins?” she asked without preamble.
*scratches head* Those wouldn’t be turnip muffins?
The gnome clutched Jaheira’s leg desperately, her bulging eyes brimming with the intelligent expression of runny eggs. “Do you really like muffins? You’re not just saying so?”
Obviously, the lunatic you warned us about. And yes, she’s almost as bad as Jan!
“No.”
“Prove it! Prove it you’re to be trusted! Which muffin is your favorite kind?”
Say turnip, Jaheira!
Briefly, Jaheira considered rapping the gnome over her knuckles with her scimitar, in order to get away. No. I might as well reply, if it will make her go away. “Blueberry,” she curtly replied. “I like to eat a nice blueberry muffin for breakfast now and then, when I have the time. Now, I really must…”
Something tells me that was the wrong answer…
“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”
I can see that…
Jaheira finally managed to kick her off, and snorted briefly. “I can see that,” she said.
I was commenting as I read, and didn’t see Jaheira saying the same… OMG! I think like Jaheira!
“The ones with a lot of fruit and nuts inside.” In the background, she was vaguely aware of some very loud noises coming from one of the houses down the street. Roars. Crashing sounds, like splintering furniture. She ignored it, seeing that the gnome was now pulling a very large bread knife out of her basket, where it had lain hidden underneath the pure and innocent goodness of the muffins. The knife didn’t look very pure or innocent at all, but it was very sharp.
Sharp it may be, but I don’t think this crazy little gnome is much of a threat to Jaheira.
“Ha!” the gnome scoffed. “Why would I want that? The muffins are with me, I’m fighting the good fight here.” Then she squealed with horror, as a ten-feet tall clay golem came crashing into her from behind, trampling her underfoot as it fled in horror. It raced on down the street, howling loudly, and almost managed to reach the edge of the forest before a hail of glowing miniature meteors made it explode into a cloud of dust.
And here I thought that those two were to horny to make that side trip to Jermien’s place…
“Jaheira? What’s going on?” Zaerini’s eyes were wide with surprise, and she turned her attention from the dead golem to the prone, but still alive gnome on the ground. It was with some relish that Jaheira noticed that most of the muffins had been trodden flat.
Awww…
“And so could I,” Valygar’s voice said from behind them. It was with a kind of weary resignation that Jaheira noticed he was accompanied by a large ogre, one that looked very perplexed. I should know better than to be surprised by anything that happens while traveling with this group, I really should.
That’s good though, it keeps you distracted.
“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” Then she shrugged in the direction of the house from where the wails were still coming. “Eddie and I found this Mimic, and brought some of its blood back to the wizard Ano met earlier, the one who wanted it to animate his pet golem. Good thing he paid us before the thing went nuts and smashed his head in.”
Oooops.
Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.”
So then you wouldn’t cry, if someone wasted your parents, Eddie?
The ogre turned towards Valygar, clearing his throat. He still was looking very confused. “And you say humans fear ogres will bring chaos?” he asked.
Poor ogres… I daresay, they would be safer in the woods…
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.
Aww… hopefully he tells that story to Dermin The Vermin…
#6
Laufey
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 10:00 AM
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so the truth of jaheira's paranoid obsession with muffin carrying gnomes will be revealed?
Possibly.
There was a Cowled Wizard living in Imnesvale, to be sure, but Valygar knew that the old man was completely preoccupied with his research, and uninterested in everything else that went on around him. He hardly set foot outside his door, and was unlikely to cause trouble.
ever read Raymond Feist? his "Great Ones" are really mostly scholars and scientist types, but due to politics have to be rather like cowles in that they enforce the peace...but most of them wouldn't harm a fly, and prefer a good scroll or book with some nice tea rather than blasting away at criminals with arcane bolts..
I haven't read him, no. Is he good?
“But how?” the gnoll was saying, then made a whining noise deep within its furry throat. “They see us, they kill us.” It yipped with distress. “Don’t want no more fighting, just wanna few nice bones to gnaw on and a cozy spot by the fire…”
and a chance to lick his..(deleted)
“Look, it’s worth a try,” the second ogre said. This one was quite large, and was wearing a rather hideous orange tunic. “The worst they can do is say ‘no’, right?”
same tailor as keldorn?
Except no plate mail.
“Perhaps,” Valygar said. “Explain first. But remember, humans fear ogres will bring chaos. I can make no promises.”
humans fear ogres will gnaw on them...they already make enough chaos on their own..
Good point.
Jaheira, too, had decided to catch some air. It was getting rather hot and noisy indoors, now that the feast was well underway, and the by now quite drunken Minister Lloyd kept trying to question her about the details of druidic life, having obviously read some very imaginative books involving nude dancing in the moonlight. Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one.
Near the center of the village, a few vendors usually gathered in the daytime, hawking everything from weapons to ale to thimbles. Right now, the regular vendors were gone, presumably participating in the celebration. Instead, a small shape sat huddled against the wall, clutching a basket tightly in her arms. A child? Then the shape raised its head, displaying a mop of frizzled dirty blonde hair, a pair of slightly bulging watery blue eyes, and a nose so large that it almost bumped into the chin. No. A gnome. There was a very pleasant smell coming from the basket, the smell of something freshly baked.
I didn't know that there was a street named "Drury Lane" in town...
Well, there *might* be.
“Yes.” She made a quick grimace, and there was a little twitch in her left cheek. “Wicked, tricksy, false, all of them! How can you not like muffins? Muffins are warm, they’re tender, they’re sweet and pure.” She advanced a little more, and her smile became just a notch brighter. “Muffins are PURE GOODNESS! Too good for this world.”
why do i think she would really get along with the toaster from red dwarf?
You're right, she would! Just the same kind of fanatical obsession.
Briefly, Jaheira considered rapping the gnome over her knuckles with her scimitar, in order to get away. No. I might as well reply, if it will make her go away. “Blueberry,” she curtly replied. “I like to eat a nice blueberry muffin for breakfast now and then, when I have the time. Now, I really must…”
blueberry muffin...
Love them. Blueberry and chocolate are probably my favorites.
“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”
not fruitcakes?
Oh yeah.
“Nobody eats a muffin in my town,” the gnome hissed, smiling gleefully.
where on earth did you come up with the inspiration for this character?
Oh...here and there.
Inspiration is a strange creature.
“Ha!” the gnome scoffed. “Why would I want that? The muffins are with me, I’m fighting the good fight here.” Then she squealed with horror, as a ten-feet tall clay golem came crashing into her from behind, trampling her underfoot as it fled in horror. It raced on down the street, howling loudly, and almost managed to reach the edge of the forest before a hail of glowing miniature meteors made it explode into a cloud of dust.
melf minute meteors...just about the only thing that the terrifically magic resistant clay golems are vulnerable to...
Love that spell.
“I was accosted by an insane gnome with a muffin obsession,” Jaheira said with a small shrug.
i'd think you'd be used to it by now...
“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” Then she shrugged in the direction of the house from where the wails were still coming. “Eddie and I found this Mimic, and brought some of its blood back to the wizard Ano met earlier, the one who wanted it to animate his pet golem. Good thing he paid us before the thing went nuts and smashed his head in.”
I know...I hadn't *planned* for him to die, it just happened that way.
Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.”
sometimes eddy can be thoughlessly cruel...
Oh yes. Mr Empathy he is not.
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.
how bad can it be? YAY!!!
Very bad! Very, very bad!
Rogues do it from behind.
#7
Laufey
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 10:05 AM
Disclaimer: Contains dangerous lunatic - not Xzar.
Well, umm, Jan is a permanent party member, isn’t he?
Valygar didn’t think it would be that easy, not at all. Yet, for all her flippant attitude, he had to admit that the girl wasn’t totally incompetent.
She gets the job done… in her own, extremely chaotic way.
That she does.
“No,” the orc snapped, “worst they can do is to pin all our heads on stakes and feed our sorry carcasses to their flea-bitten dogs!” He gave the gnoll an apologetic look. “Sorry, Fido.”
Fido?
Yep, he sure is.
“Right, right,” the large ogre was saying, making soothing little noises to his companions. “No panic, please.” He cleared his throat. “Hello? Anybody human out there? We…er…come in peace. Please, could we have a word? You’ll be quite safe.”
They are a nice bunch. Umm, well, sort of.
Most of them, at least.
Fighting was hardly an option. Running was an equally bad one, they could surely run as fast as he could, and the gnoll could smell him. Parlay it is, then.
Umm, running is a bad option only when they run faster than you.
Heh, good point.
Jaheira, too, had decided to catch some air. It was getting rather hot and noisy indoors, now that the feast was well underway, and the by now quite drunken Minister Lloyd kept trying to question her about the details of druidic life, having obviously read some very imaginative books involving nude dancing in the moonlight. Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one.
But not about the dancing itself, hmm?
Wouldn't you like to know?
She had noticed Zaerini and Edwin slip away, and there had been a sharp sting of pain, as the unwelcome thoughts assaulted her. Had Khalid been alive, and here with her, they would soon be retiring to their room. She could almost see the loving look on his face, almost hear the passion in his voice, the passion that few people would have guessed the mild-mannered warrior was capable of. But she had seen, and she had known.
Awww... *hugs*
The gnome clutched Jaheira’s leg desperately, her bulging eyes brimming with the intelligent expression of runny eggs. “Do you really like muffins? You’re not just saying so?”
Obviously, the lunatic you warned us about. And yes, she’s almost as bad as Jan!
Worse, I'd say.
Briefly, Jaheira considered rapping the gnome over her knuckles with her scimitar, in order to get away. No. I might as well reply, if it will make her go away. “Blueberry,” she curtly replied. “I like to eat a nice blueberry muffin for breakfast now and then, when I have the time. Now, I really must…”
Something tells me that was the wrong answer…
Oh, it was, it really was...
Jaheira finally managed to kick her off, and snorted briefly. “I can see that,” she said.
I was commenting as I read, and didn’t see Jaheira saying the same… OMG! I think like Jaheira!
Why, of course you do!
“The ones with a lot of fruit and nuts inside.” In the background, she was vaguely aware of some very loud noises coming from one of the houses down the street. Roars. Crashing sounds, like splintering furniture. She ignored it, seeing that the gnome was now pulling a very large bread knife out of her basket, where it had lain hidden underneath the pure and innocent goodness of the muffins. The knife didn’t look very pure or innocent at all, but it was very sharp.
Sharp it may be, but I don’t think this crazy little gnome is much of a threat to Jaheira.
More of an annoyance, really. But still, a knife is a knife.
“Ha!” the gnome scoffed. “Why would I want that? The muffins are with me, I’m fighting the good fight here.” Then she squealed with horror, as a ten-feet tall clay golem came crashing into her from behind, trampling her underfoot as it fled in horror. It raced on down the street, howling loudly, and almost managed to reach the edge of the forest before a hail of glowing miniature meteors made it explode into a cloud of dust.
And here I thought that those two were to horny to make that side trip to Jermien’s place…
I think they took care of that first.
Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.”
So then you wouldn’t cry, if someone wasted your parents, Eddie?
Course he would. But Mr Empathy, as I said, he is not.
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.
Aww… hopefully he tells that story to Dermin The Vermin…
No, afraid not...
Rogues do it from behind.
#8
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 02:08 PM
“And Tolgerias…” she’d said, grinning broadly. “Well, we’ll just have to tell him ‘thanks, but no thanks’, right?”
Valygar didn’t think it would be that easy, not at all. Yet, for all her flippant attitude, he had to admit that the girl wasn’t totally incompetent.
Still, it never hurts to try, does it?
The stars were out by now, and Valygar allowed himself a faint smile as he looked up at them, inhaling the fresh evening air deeply. Soon now, Lavok. Soon it will all be over. Would he survive that meeting? Perhaps, perhaps not. But there was no other way but forward, not if he wanted to live his life as anything other than a slave to the past. I was born a Corthala, with all that entails, but that doesn’t mean I must live like that.
Surely, this will allow him to empathize with Rini a bit. You, dead god of murder trying to use his offspring to come back from the dead, that sort of thing?
“But how?” the gnoll was saying, then made a whining noise deep within its furry throat. “They see us, they kill us.” It yipped with distress. “Don’t want no more fighting, just wanna few nice bones to gnaw on and a cozy spot by the fire…”
I find this extremely cute. It's a good thing Valygar isn't stronger and just attacked because he saw them.
“Look, it’s worth a try,” the second ogre said. This one was quite large, and was wearing a rather hideous orange tunic. “The worst they can do is say ‘no’, right?”
Size does not guarentee fashion sense.
“You’re all morons,” the troll sneered, tossing his head. Carrot red braids flew in the air, and nearly entangled themselves with his tusks. “All of you. If you’d only listened to me, Madulf…”
“…then we’d have waltzed up to the village and told their leader he’s a ‘rotten, fat, corrupt bastard’ for not welcoming us,” the large ogre filled in, and cuffed the troll over the head. “Yeah, great idea, Musty. That’ll make them take us in for sure.” He cleared his throat. “Look, people are scared of us, and with good reason. We can’t make them like us, it doesn’t work that way, we’re just going to have to…”
What a charming individual. I see we have an Edwin-wanna-be troll!
“Right, right,” the large ogre was saying, making soothing little noises to his companions. “No panic, please.” He cleared his throat. “Hello? Anybody human out there? We…er…come in peace. Please, could we have a word? You’ll be quite safe.”
Interesting...
Near the center of the village, a few vendors usually gathered in the daytime, hawking everything from weapons to ale to thimbles. Right now, the regular vendors were gone, presumably participating in the celebration. Instead, a small shape sat huddled against the wall, clutching a basket tightly in her arms. A child? Then the shape raised its head, displaying a mop of frizzled dirty blonde hair, a pair of slightly bulging watery blue eyes, and a nose so large that it almost bumped into the chin. No. A gnome. There was a very pleasant smell coming from the basket, the smell of something freshly baked.
Hmm....hopefully not a child!
The gnome clutched Jaheira’s leg desperately, her bulging eyes brimming with the intelligent expression of runny eggs. “Do you really like muffins? You’re not just saying so?”
The better question, my insane gnomess, is "do you eat muffins?" Like is such a realitive word. Then, you know who your ememies are. The next question can pertain to how pure they think muffins are... but of course, since you are completely off your rocker, you probably don't see a reason to find out which people are your enemies first.
It's almost a shame Xzar and Nalia hooked up... These two could probably drive each other sane for the next couple years...or perhaps Tiax...
“Prove it! Prove it you’re to be trusted! Which muffin is your favorite kind?”
Well, lemon poppy has the best singing voice... but chocolate makes a pursuasive argument.
“Ha!” the gnome scoffed. “Why would I want that? The muffins are with me, I’m fighting the good fight here.” Then she squealed with horror, as a ten-feet tall clay golem came crashing into her from behind, trampling her underfoot as it fled in horror. It raced on down the street, howling loudly, and almost managed to reach the edge of the forest before a hail of glowing miniature meteors made it explode into a cloud of dust.
Note to self: If you hear crashing sounds behind you and your enemy even tells you to step aside, and looks behind you...don't even look, just step aside.
The ogre turned towards Valygar, clearing his throat. He still was looking very confused. “And you say humans fear ogres will bring chaos?” he asked.
Nice wrap up.
Of course, destruction, murder or carnage would work a little better than choas... After all, even normal children can bring chaos, but it takes a special kind of human to bring destruction murder or carnage.
#9
Laufey
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 02:26 PM
The stars were out by now, and Valygar allowed himself a faint smile as he looked up at them, inhaling the fresh evening air deeply. Soon now, Lavok. Soon it will all be over. Would he survive that meeting? Perhaps, perhaps not. But there was no other way but forward, not if he wanted to live his life as anything other than a slave to the past. I was born a Corthala, with all that entails, but that doesn’t mean I must live like that.
Surely, this will allow him to empathize with Rini a bit. You, dead god of murder trying to use his offspring to come back from the dead, that sort of thing?
I think he does empathize already, although he's the strong and silent type and hasn't said much about it.
“But how?” the gnoll was saying, then made a whining noise deep within its furry throat. “They see us, they kill us.” It yipped with distress. “Don’t want no more fighting, just wanna few nice bones to gnaw on and a cozy spot by the fire…”
I find this extremely cute. It's a good thing Valygar isn't stronger and just attacked because he saw them.
Thanks, I thought it was pretty cute myself.
“You’re all morons,” the troll sneered, tossing his head. Carrot red braids flew in the air, and nearly entangled themselves with his tusks. “All of you. If you’d only listened to me, Madulf…”
“…then we’d have waltzed up to the village and told their leader he’s a ‘rotten, fat, corrupt bastard’ for not welcoming us,” the large ogre filled in, and cuffed the troll over the head. “Yeah, great idea, Musty. That’ll make them take us in for sure.” He cleared his throat. “Look, people are scared of us, and with good reason. We can’t make them like us, it doesn’t work that way, we’re just going to have to…”
What a charming individual. I see we have an Edwin-wanna-be troll!
Except of course without Edwin's cuteness or charm!
The gnome clutched Jaheira’s leg desperately, her bulging eyes brimming with the intelligent expression of runny eggs. “Do you really like muffins? You’re not just saying so?”
The better question, my insane gnomess, is "do you eat muffins?" Like is such a realitive word. Then, you know who your ememies are. The next question can pertain to how pure they think muffins are... but of course, since you are completely off your rocker, you probably don't see a reason to find out which people are your enemies first.
I think she reasons that 'they're all out to get me anyway'. Unless they're muffin maniacs themselves, of course.
It's almost a shame Xzar and Nalia hooked up... These two could probably drive each other sane for the next couple years...or perhaps Tiax...
Ooooh, now there's a thought!
Note to self: If you hear crashing sounds behind you and your enemy even tells you to step aside, and looks behind you...don't even look, just step aside.
True.
The ogre turned towards Valygar, clearing his throat. He still was looking very confused. “And you say humans fear ogres will bring chaos?” he asked.
Nice wrap up.
Destruction, murder and carnage coming right up...
Rogues do it from behind.
#10
Guest_Kulyok_*
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 02:34 PM
I think he does empathize already, although he's the strong and silent type and hasn't said much about it.
///Valygar fan mode on
Strong and silent? Hey, he is better than Cedric Diggory!
///off
Destruction, murder and carnage coming right up...
YAY!!!
whoops... erm... only next week... *sigh*
#11
Guest_RickTaylor_*
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 03:12 PM
Hello, Laufey!
Clarisse:
Oh I do like muffins!
I do sympathize, Zaerini, and I don’t think it’s your fault. If you go forth into the world, you’re going to meet a number of, ummmmmm, interesting people.
That was very good of Zaerini!
I am looking forward to that!
Her methods do seem to be quite effective, in a chaotic sort of way.
I quite agree, Master Valygar, one should never allow oneself to be ruled by one’s past. I’ve pretty much lived my whole life by that philosophy.
How very pleasant. I always find nature to be so.... um, ogres?
They do seem to be rather civilized monsters.
They’ve named him "Fido"? Poor fellow.
This troll fellow seems to think a lot like that wizard friend of Zaerini.
Barking? Perhaps "Fido" is an appropriate name for him after all.
Chaos? Master Valygar, didn’t your party bring a disembodied hand to Imnesvale that is currently off somewhere shopping or something unattended? And didn’t your fighter procure swords and ale for the local youths? I hardly think you’re in a position to lecture this ogre about chaos.
Oh dear, what a dreadful boor! I do sympathize, Jaheira, people will have such strange ideas about what they don’t understand.
(*blinks*) Ummmm, yes, right. How foolish.
Oh dear, this so sad.
(*fetches a handkerchief*)
(*sighs*) Can’t the author allow these poor characters even a short period of peace?
Oh, I like muffins too!
(*raises eyebrow*) I do like muffins, but I wouldn’t take it quite that far.
Blueberry, I suppose.
I quite agree. A blueberry muffin with butter and a nice pot of hot tea early in the morning can be absolutely lovely.
Oh dear, was that the wrong answer?
Jaheira, I really don’t think reasoning with this strange lady is going to help.
Yes, I can see that.
Oh dear! I hope we can avoid hurting this mad woman.
Madam, I think you ought to listen to Jaheira.
Oh dear!
Indeed.
Honestly, Jaheira, I think this ogre is the most reasonable creature you’ve met today, barring your friends of course. Well, some of your friends, anyway.
Just an ordinary day for this party, I suppose.
Oh dear. I guess it was a mistake to fetch that blood for him.
How terribly sad.
That’s rather callous, sir. I’m sure if you lost your father, no amount of money would make up for it.
Perhaps you might want to reconsider getting involved with these strange creatures, master ogre.
By the way, speaking of chaos, whatever became of that hand?
Good story! Lots of fun.
Mmmmmmmm... Muffins!
http://www.muffinfilms.com/
--Rick Taylor
Now who could that be?Disclaimer: Contains dangerous lunatic - not Xzar.
Ok. Let’s see, of course I know about the Imnesvale ogres, and the golem comes from the mimic’s blood quest, but muffins?Cards Reshuffled 251 – Ogres And Muffins And Golems, Oh My!
Clarisse:
Oh I do like muffins!
Clarisse:There has to be something about adventurers that attracts insane people. Why, hardly a week goes by when I don’t encounter some kind of flaming loony, usually one hell-bent on finding out what my insides look like when removed from my body. Of course, some people would probably say that like attracts like – adventuring isn’t an occupation for ‘normal’ people, after all.
Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’
I do sympathize, Zaerini, and I don’t think it’s your fault. If you go forth into the world, you’re going to meet a number of, ummmmmm, interesting people.
Clarisse:It felt rather strange, Valygar thought, walking about openly among people again. Of course he would still have to be discreet once he returned to Athkatla, and the Sphere, but at least here in Imnesvale any rumors about him being a ruthless murderer had been cleared up. Valygar wasn’t certain exactly what Zaerini had said to Minster Lloyd, but the man had been so ecstatically grateful after the Shade Lord’s destruction that he would probably have granted her his office. Letting Valygar go about his business in the village undisturbed was a small favor to grant indeed.
That was very good of Zaerini!
Clarisse:He had fulfilled the promise he had made to his strange new companions, and Zaerini had reassured him once again that they would be returning to Athkatla now, to deal with the Sphere.
I am looking forward to that!
Clarisse:Valygar didn’t think it would be that easy, not at all. Yet, for all her flippant attitude, he had to admit that the girl wasn’t totally incompetent.
Her methods do seem to be quite effective, in a chaotic sort of way.
Clarisse:The stars were out by now, and Valygar allowed himself a faint smile as he looked up at them, inhaling the fresh evening air deeply. Soon now, Lavok. Soon it will all be over. Would he survive that meeting? Perhaps, perhaps not. But there was no other way but forward, not if he wanted to live his life as anything other than a slave to the past. I was born a Corthala, with all that entails, but that doesn’t mean I must live like that.
I quite agree, Master Valygar, one should never allow oneself to be ruled by one’s past. I’ve pretty much lived my whole life by that philosophy.
Clarisse:He had passed quite some distance away from the village now, and was deep within the trees, approaching the northern hills. As he walked and thought, part of him listened, watched, and filed information away. Mountain lion in that thicket…moving away…hunting owl…mother deer with her fawn…ogres…
How very pleasant. I always find nature to be so.... um, ogres?
Clarisse:“But how?” the gnoll was saying, then made a whining noise deep within its furry throat. “They see us, they kill us.” It yipped with distress. “Don’t want no more fighting, just wanna few nice bones to gnaw on and a cozy spot by the fire…”
“We could just go away,” one of the ogres suggested, scratching her thick brown hair as she furrowed her brow. “Deep into the woods, wouldn’t that be nice? No torches and pitchforks…”
“Look, it’s worth a try,” the second ogre said. This one was quite large, and was wearing a rather hideous orange tunic. “The worst they can do is say ‘no’, right?”
They do seem to be rather civilized monsters.Clarisse:“No,” the orc snapped, “worst they can do is to pin all our heads on stakes and feed our sorry carcasses to their flea-bitten dogs!” He gave the gnoll an apologetic look. “Sorry, Fido.”
They’ve named him "Fido"? Poor fellow.Clarisse:“You’re all morons,” the troll sneered, tossing his head. Carrot red braids flew in the air, and nearly entangled themselves with his tusks. “All of you. If you’d only listened to me, Madulf…”
“…then we’d have waltzed up to the village and told their leader he’s a ‘rotten, fat, corrupt bastard’ for not welcoming us,” the large ogre filled in, and cuffed the troll over the head.
This troll fellow seems to think a lot like that wizard friend of Zaerini.
Clarisse:The gnoll sniffed the air, nostrils widening. “Er…guys…I…smell Human! Behind those trees!” He started barking excitedly, nose in the air.
Barking? Perhaps "Fido" is an appropriate name for him after all.
Clarisse:“Perhaps,” Valygar said. “Explain first. But remember, humans fear ogres will bring chaos. I can make no promises.”
Chaos? Master Valygar, didn’t your party bring a disembodied hand to Imnesvale that is currently off somewhere shopping or something unattended? And didn’t your fighter procure swords and ale for the local youths? I hardly think you’re in a position to lecture this ogre about chaos.
Clarisse:Jaheira, too, had decided to catch some air. It was getting rather hot and noisy indoors, now that the feast was well underway, and the by now quite drunken Minister Lloyd kept trying to question her about the details of druidic life, having obviously read some very imaginative books involving nude dancing in the moonlight.
Oh dear, what a dreadful boor! I do sympathize, Jaheira, people will have such strange ideas about what they don’t understand.
Clarisse:Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one.
(*blinks*) Ummmm, yes, right. How foolish.
Clarisse:She had noticed Zaerini and Edwin slip away, and there had been a sharp sting of pain, as the unwelcome thoughts assaulted her. Had Khalid been alive, and here with her, they would soon be retiring to their room. She could almost see the loving look on his face, almost hear the passion in his voice, the passion that few people would have guessed the mild-mannered warrior was capable of. But she had seen, and she had known.
Oh dear, this so sad.
Clarisse:And I…have lost. Vengeance, I will carve that out of Irenicus’ cursed hide myself, but…
But then what? She didn’t know, couldn’t even begin to imagine it.
It does not matter. What will be will be.
(*fetches a handkerchief*)
Clarisse:Slipping her cloak on against the by now somewhat cool air, Jaheira quietly slipped outside, relishing the peace and solitude. It wasn’t long though, before that peaceful solitude was broken.
(*sighs*) Can’t the author allow these poor characters even a short period of peace?
Clarisse:Near the center of the village, a few vendors usually gathered in the daytime, hawking everything from weapons to ale to thimbles. Right now, the regular vendors were gone, presumably participating in the celebration. Instead, a small shape sat huddled against the wall, clutching a basket tightly in her arms. A child? Then the shape raised its head, displaying a mop of frizzled dirty blonde hair, a pair of slightly bulging watery blue eyes, and a nose so large that it almost bumped into the chin. No. A gnome. There was a very pleasant smell coming from the basket, the smell of something freshly baked.
The gnome startled as she noticed Jaheira, and then a wide, bright and just a little disturbing smile plastered itself all over her face. She leapt to her feet and sidled over towards the druid, dragging her basket behind her. “So, do you like muffins?” she asked without preamble.
Ah. Just another vendor, it seems. “Why, yes,” the druid politely replied. “I do like muffins.”
Oh, I like muffins too!
Clarisse:“Yes.” She made a quick grimace, and there was a little twitch in her left cheek. “Wicked, tricksy, false, all of them! How can you not like muffins? Muffins are warm, they’re tender, they’re sweet and pure.” She advanced a little more, and her smile became just a notch brighter. “Muffins are PURE GOODNESS! Too good for this world.”
(*raises eyebrow*) I do like muffins, but I wouldn’t take it quite that far.
Clarisse:“Prove it! Prove it you’re to be trusted! Which muffin is your favorite kind?”
Blueberry, I suppose.
Clarisse:Briefly, Jaheira considered rapping the gnome over her knuckles with her scimitar, in order to get away. No. I might as well reply, if it will make her go away. “Blueberry,” she curtly replied. “I like to eat a nice blueberry muffin for breakfast now and then, when I have the time. Now, I really must…”
I quite agree. A blueberry muffin with butter and a nice pot of hot tea early in the morning can be absolutely lovely.
Clarisse:“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” The gnome shrieked with horror, shrieked as if somebody had just torn her heart out, and her frizzy hair stood straight up. “NOOOOOOO! You…you…you monster! Murderer! MUFFIN-SLAYER!”
Oh dear, was that the wrong answer?
Clarisse:Jaheira blinked. “Oh, shut your face, you little fool,” she snapped, shaking her leg to try to dislodge the yelling gnome. “What utter nonsense. Muffins are meant to be eaten. Surprising as it may seem to you, a muffin is not a person.”
Jaheira, I really don’t think reasoning with this strange lady is going to help.
Clarisse:“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”
Yes, I can see that.
Clarisse:Jaheira finally managed to kick her off, and snorted briefly. “I can see that,” she said. “The ones with a lot of fruit and nuts inside.” In the background, she was vaguely aware of some very loud noises coming from one of the houses down the street. Roars. Crashing sounds, like splintering furniture. She ignored it, seeing that the gnome was now pulling a very large bread knife out of her basket, where it had lain hidden underneath the pure and innocent goodness of the muffins. The knife didn’t look very pure or innocent at all, but it was very sharp.
Oh dear! I hope we can avoid hurting this mad woman.
Clarisse:“Nobody eats a muffin in my town,” the gnome hissed, smiling gleefully.
Heavy footsteps, swiftly approaching.
“You want to step aside now,” Jaheira said as she raised her scimitar.
A large and bulky shape, red eyes glowing fiercely.
Madam, I think you ought to listen to Jaheira.
Clarisse:“Ha!” the gnome scoffed. “Why would I want that? The muffins are with me, I’m fighting the good fight here.” Then she squealed with horror, as a ten-feet tall clay golem came crashing into her from behind, trampling her underfoot as it fled in horror. It raced on down the street, howling loudly, and almost managed to reach the edge of the forest before a hail of glowing miniature meteors made it explode into a cloud of dust.
Oh dear!
Clarisse:“Jaheira? What’s going on?” Zaerini’s eyes were wide with surprise, and she turned her attention from the dead golem to the prone, but still alive gnome on the ground. It was with some relish that Jaheira noticed that most of the muffins had been trodden flat. Edwin accompanied the bard, not surprisingly, and they both looked rather out of breath. From the house down the street, somebody could be heard crying ‘Daddy! Oh no!’
“What is going on?” Jaheira asked. “I might well ask you the same question.”
Indeed.
Clarisse:“And so could I,” Valygar’s voice said from behind them. It was with a kind of weary resignation that Jaheira noticed he was accompanied by a large ogre, one that looked very perplexed. I should know better than to be surprised by anything that happens while traveling with this group, I really should.
Honestly, Jaheira, I think this ogre is the most reasonable creature you’ve met today, barring your friends of course. Well, some of your friends, anyway.
Clarisse:“I was accosted by an insane gnome with a muffin obsession,” Jaheira said with a small shrug.
Just an ordinary day for this party, I suppose.
Clarisse:“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” Then she shrugged in the direction of the house from where the wails were still coming. “Eddie and I found this Mimic, and brought some of its blood back to the wizard Ano met earlier, the one who wanted it to animate his pet golem. Good thing he paid us before the thing went nuts and smashed his head in.”
Oh dear. I guess it was a mistake to fetch that blood for him.
Clarisse:“And the woman crying would be his poor daughter?”
How terribly sad.
Clarisse:Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.”
That’s rather callous, sir. I’m sure if you lost your father, no amount of money would make up for it.
Clarisse:The ogre turned towards Valygar, clearing his throat. He still was looking very confused. “And you say humans fear ogres will bring chaos?” he asked.
Perhaps you might want to reconsider getting involved with these strange creatures, master ogre. By the way, speaking of chaos, whatever became of that hand?
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.
Good story! Lots of fun.
Mmmmmmmm... Muffins!
http://www.muffinfilms.com/
--Rick Taylor
#12
Laufey
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Transcendant
Posted 21 May 2005 - 03:13 PM
I think he does empathize already, although he's the strong and silent type and hasn't said much about it.
///Valygar fan mode on
Strong and silent? Hey, he is better than Cedric Diggory!
///off
Let's hope he won't suffer Cedric's fate then.
Destruction, murder and carnage coming right up...
YAY!!!
whoops... erm... only next week... *sigh*
Cheer up - I'll post it early, because I'll be gone over the next weekend.
Probably on Thursday evening, or else on Friday morning.
Rogues do it from behind.
#13
Guest_Wyvern_*
Guest_Wyvern_*
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Posted 21 May 2005 - 06:45 PM
And not a party memberDisclaimer: Contains dangerous lunatic - not Xzar.
Rini, that never works.“And Tolgerias…” she’d said, grinning broadly. “Well, we’ll just have to tell him ‘thanks, but no thanks’, right?”
Good thing he didn't say 'nice human bones'.“But how?” the gnoll was saying, then made a whining noise deep within its furry throat. “They see us, they kill us.” It yipped with distress. “Don’t want no more fighting, just wanna few nice bones to gnaw on and a cozy spot by the fire…”
The orc's a bright one.“No,” the orc snapped, “worst they can do is to pin all our heads on stakes and feed our sorry carcasses to their flea-bitten dogs!” He gave the gnoll an apologetic look. “Sorry, Fido.”
And they completely forgot about the fertility ritesJaheira, too, had decided to catch some air. It was getting rather hot and noisy indoors, now that the feast was well underway, and the by now quite drunken Minister Lloyd kept trying to question her about the details of druidic life, having obviously read some very imaginative books involving nude dancing in the moonlight. Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one.
Jaheira diplomacy is almost as bad as Thayvian diplomacy.Jaheira blinked. “Oh, shut your face, you little fool,” she snapped, shaking her leg to try to dislodge the yelling gnome. “What utter nonsense. Muffins are meant to be eaten. Surprising as it may seem to you, a muffin is not a person.”
So much for the Imnesvale Cowlie.“Jaheira? What’s going on?” Zaerini’s eyes were wide with surprise, and she turned her attention from the dead golem to the prone, but still alive gnome on the ground. It was with some relish that Jaheira noticed that most of the muffins had been trodden flat. Edwin accompanied the bard, not surprisingly, and they both looked rather out of breath. From the house down the street, somebody could be heard crying ‘Daddy! Oh no!’
No sympathy for the squashed wizard; Rini's been with Edwin a little too long.“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” Then she shrugged in the direction of the house from where the wails were still coming. “Eddie and I found this Mimic, and brought some of its blood back to the wizard Ano met earlier, the one who wanted it to animate his pet golem. Good thing he paid us before the thing went nuts and smashed his head in.”
The deep woods are looking better and better to Madulf.The ogre turned towards Valygar, clearing his throat. He still was looking very confused. “And you say humans fear ogres will bring chaos?” he asked.
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.
#14
Arcalian
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Transcendent
Posted 22 May 2005 - 01:57 AM
*pets the Kitty*
I was wondering if the gnome was some sort of Muffin Paladin, at first.
Very funny chapter all around.
I was wondering if the gnome was some sort of Muffin Paladin, at first.
Very funny chapter all around.
The road to the abyss may be paved with good intentions, but it is those with bad intentions that race down that road as fast as they can.
#16
Laufey
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Transcendant
Posted 22 May 2005 - 08:15 AM
[quote]Hello, Laufey!
[/quote]
Heya!
[quote]
[quote]
Cards Reshuffled 251 – Ogres And Muffins And Golems, Oh My!
[/quote]
Ok. Let’s see, of course I know about the Imnesvale ogres, and the golem comes from the mimic’s blood quest, but muffins?
[/quote]
[quote]
Clarisse:
Oh I do like muffins!
[/quote]
Yes, me too, love them.
[quote]
[quote]It felt rather strange, Valygar thought, walking about openly among people again. Of course he would still have to be discreet once he returned to Athkatla, and the Sphere, but at least here in Imnesvale any rumors about him being a ruthless murderer had been cleared up. Valygar wasn’t certain exactly what Zaerini had said to Minster Lloyd, but the man had been so ecstatically grateful after the Shade Lord’s destruction that he would probably have granted her his office. Letting Valygar go about his business in the village undisturbed was a small favor to grant indeed.
[/quote]
Clarisse:
That was very good of Zaerini!
[/quote]
She does try to help her friends if she can.
[quote]
[quote]
He had fulfilled the promise he had made to his strange new companions, and Zaerini had reassured him once again that they would be returning to Athkatla now, to deal with the Sphere.
[/quote]
Clarisse:
I am looking forward to that!
[/quote]
Pretty soon now!
[quote]
[quote]The stars were out by now, and Valygar allowed himself a faint smile as he looked up at them, inhaling the fresh evening air deeply. Soon now, Lavok. Soon it will all be over. Would he survive that meeting? Perhaps, perhaps not. But there was no other way but forward, not if he wanted to live his life as anything other than a slave to the past. I was born a Corthala, with all that entails, but that doesn’t mean I must live like that.
[/quote]
Clarisse:
I quite agree, Master Valygar, one should never allow oneself to be ruled by one’s past. I’ve pretty much lived my whole life by that philosophy.
[/quote]
And Valygar is trying - but he's got a way to go yet.
[quote]
[quote]
He had passed quite some distance away from the village now, and was deep within the trees, approaching the northern hills. As he walked and thought, part of him listened, watched, and filed information away. Mountain lion in that thicket…moving away…hunting owl…mother deer with her fawn…ogres…
[/quote]
Clarisse:
How very pleasant. I always find nature to be so.... um, ogres?
[/quote]
Well, they're part of nature too.
[quote]
[quote]“No,” the orc snapped, “worst they can do is to pin all our heads on stakes and feed our sorry carcasses to their flea-bitten dogs!” He gave the gnoll an apologetic look. “Sorry, Fido.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
They’ve named him "Fido"? Poor fellow.
[/quote]
Yes...but it's rather cute, I think.
[quote]
[quote]“You’re all morons,” the troll sneered, tossing his head. Carrot red braids flew in the air, and nearly entangled themselves with his tusks. “All of you. If you’d only listened to me, Madulf…”
[/quote]
[quote]
“…then we’d have waltzed up to the village and told their leader he’s a ‘rotten, fat, corrupt bastard’ for not welcoming us,” the large ogre filled in, and cuffed the troll over the head.[/quote]
Clarisse:
This troll fellow seems to think a lot like that wizard friend of Zaerini.
[/quote]
Except of course without managing to be as cute.
[quote]
[quote]“Perhaps,” Valygar said. “Explain first. But remember, humans fear ogres will bring chaos. I can make no promises.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
Chaos? Master Valygar, didn’t your party bring a disembodied hand to Imnesvale that is currently off somewhere shopping or something unattended? And didn’t your fighter procure swords and ale for the local youths? I hardly think you’re in a position to lecture this ogre about chaos.
[/quote]
I think he managed to forget about that.
[quote]
[quote]Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one. [/quote]
Clarisse:
(*blinks*) Ummmm, yes, right. How foolish.
[/quote]
Jaheira is picky about that sort of thing.
[quote]
But then what? She didn’t know, couldn’t even begin to imagine it.
[/quote]
[quote]
It does not matter. What will be will be. [/quote]
Clarisse:
(*fetches a handkerchief*)
[/quote]
Awww... *pats Clarisse on the back*
[quote]
[quote]
“Yes.” She made a quick grimace, and there was a little twitch in her left cheek. “Wicked, tricksy, false, all of them! How can you not like muffins? Muffins are warm, they’re tender, they’re sweet and pure.” She advanced a little more, and her smile became just a notch brighter. “Muffins are PURE GOODNESS! Too good for this world.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
(*raises eyebrow*) I do like muffins, but I wouldn’t take it quite that far.
[/quote]
No, that's probably best.
[quote]
[quote]Briefly, Jaheira considered rapping the gnome over her knuckles with her scimitar, in order to get away. No. I might as well reply, if it will make her go away. “Blueberry,” she curtly replied. “I like to eat a nice blueberry muffin for breakfast now and then, when I have the time. Now, I really must…”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
I quite agree. A blueberry muffin with butter and a nice pot of hot tea early in the morning can be absolutely lovely.
[/quote]
Oh yes - totally yummy!
[quote]
[quote]
Jaheira blinked. “Oh, shut your face, you little fool,” she snapped, shaking her leg to try to dislodge the yelling gnome. “What utter nonsense. Muffins are meant to be eaten. Surprising as it may seem to you, a muffin is not a person.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
Jaheira, I really don’t think reasoning with this strange lady is going to help.
[/quote]
Nope. Some people simply can't be reasoned with.
[quote]
[quote]
“And so could I,” Valygar’s voice said from behind them. It was with a kind of weary resignation that Jaheira noticed he was accompanied by a large ogre, one that looked very perplexed. I should know better than to be surprised by anything that happens while traveling with this group, I really should. [/quote]
Clarisse:
Honestly, Jaheira, I think this ogre is the most reasonable creature you’ve met today, barring your friends of course. Well, some of your friends, anyway.
[/quote]
*grin* You've got a point there.
[quote]
[quote]“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” Then she shrugged in the direction of the house from where the wails were still coming. “Eddie and I found this Mimic, and brought some of its blood back to the wizard Ano met earlier, the one who wanted it to animate his pet golem. Good thing he paid us before the thing went nuts and smashed his head in.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
Oh dear. I guess it was a mistake to fetch that blood for him.
[/quote]
Well...he *did* ask for it.
[quote]
[quote]Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
That’s rather callous, sir. I’m sure if you lost your father, no amount of money would make up for it.
[/quote]
Of course not. And some day, he might just have to learn that lesson.
[quote]
By the way, speaking of chaos, whatever became of that hand?
[/quote]
It's still around, and you'll see it again.
[quote]
[quote]Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Good story! Lots of fun.
[/quote]
Thank you!
[quote]
Mmmmmmmm... Muffins!
[/quote]
[quote]
http://www.muffinfilms.com/
[/quote]
[quote]
--Rick Taylor[/quote]
Mmmm, muffins!
[/quote]
Heya!
[quote]
[quote]
Cards Reshuffled 251 – Ogres And Muffins And Golems, Oh My!
[/quote]
Ok. Let’s see, of course I know about the Imnesvale ogres, and the golem comes from the mimic’s blood quest, but muffins?
[/quote]
[quote]
Clarisse:
Oh I do like muffins!
[/quote]
Yes, me too, love them.
[quote]
[quote]It felt rather strange, Valygar thought, walking about openly among people again. Of course he would still have to be discreet once he returned to Athkatla, and the Sphere, but at least here in Imnesvale any rumors about him being a ruthless murderer had been cleared up. Valygar wasn’t certain exactly what Zaerini had said to Minster Lloyd, but the man had been so ecstatically grateful after the Shade Lord’s destruction that he would probably have granted her his office. Letting Valygar go about his business in the village undisturbed was a small favor to grant indeed.
[/quote]
Clarisse:
That was very good of Zaerini!
[/quote]
She does try to help her friends if she can.
[quote]
[quote]
He had fulfilled the promise he had made to his strange new companions, and Zaerini had reassured him once again that they would be returning to Athkatla now, to deal with the Sphere.
[/quote]
Clarisse:
I am looking forward to that!
[/quote]
Pretty soon now!
[quote]
[quote]The stars were out by now, and Valygar allowed himself a faint smile as he looked up at them, inhaling the fresh evening air deeply. Soon now, Lavok. Soon it will all be over. Would he survive that meeting? Perhaps, perhaps not. But there was no other way but forward, not if he wanted to live his life as anything other than a slave to the past. I was born a Corthala, with all that entails, but that doesn’t mean I must live like that.
[/quote]
Clarisse:
I quite agree, Master Valygar, one should never allow oneself to be ruled by one’s past. I’ve pretty much lived my whole life by that philosophy.
[/quote]
And Valygar is trying - but he's got a way to go yet.
[quote]
[quote]
He had passed quite some distance away from the village now, and was deep within the trees, approaching the northern hills. As he walked and thought, part of him listened, watched, and filed information away. Mountain lion in that thicket…moving away…hunting owl…mother deer with her fawn…ogres…
[/quote]
Clarisse:
How very pleasant. I always find nature to be so.... um, ogres?
[/quote]
Well, they're part of nature too.
[quote]
[quote]“No,” the orc snapped, “worst they can do is to pin all our heads on stakes and feed our sorry carcasses to their flea-bitten dogs!” He gave the gnoll an apologetic look. “Sorry, Fido.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
They’ve named him "Fido"? Poor fellow.[/quote]
Yes...but it's rather cute, I think.
[quote]
[quote]“You’re all morons,” the troll sneered, tossing his head. Carrot red braids flew in the air, and nearly entangled themselves with his tusks. “All of you. If you’d only listened to me, Madulf…”
[/quote]
[quote]
“…then we’d have waltzed up to the village and told their leader he’s a ‘rotten, fat, corrupt bastard’ for not welcoming us,” the large ogre filled in, and cuffed the troll over the head.[/quote]
Clarisse:
This troll fellow seems to think a lot like that wizard friend of Zaerini.
[/quote]
Except of course without managing to be as cute.
[quote]
[quote]“Perhaps,” Valygar said. “Explain first. But remember, humans fear ogres will bring chaos. I can make no promises.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
Chaos? Master Valygar, didn’t your party bring a disembodied hand to Imnesvale that is currently off somewhere shopping or something unattended? And didn’t your fighter procure swords and ale for the local youths? I hardly think you’re in a position to lecture this ogre about chaos.
[/quote]
I think he managed to forget about that.
[quote]
[quote]Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one. [/quote]
Clarisse:
(*blinks*) Ummmm, yes, right. How foolish.
[/quote]
Jaheira is picky about that sort of thing.
[quote]
But then what? She didn’t know, couldn’t even begin to imagine it.
[/quote]
[quote]
It does not matter. What will be will be. [/quote]
Clarisse:
(*fetches a handkerchief*)
[/quote]
Awww... *pats Clarisse on the back*
[quote]
[quote]
“Yes.” She made a quick grimace, and there was a little twitch in her left cheek. “Wicked, tricksy, false, all of them! How can you not like muffins? Muffins are warm, they’re tender, they’re sweet and pure.” She advanced a little more, and her smile became just a notch brighter. “Muffins are PURE GOODNESS! Too good for this world.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
(*raises eyebrow*) I do like muffins, but I wouldn’t take it quite that far.
[/quote]
No, that's probably best.
[quote]
[quote]Briefly, Jaheira considered rapping the gnome over her knuckles with her scimitar, in order to get away. No. I might as well reply, if it will make her go away. “Blueberry,” she curtly replied. “I like to eat a nice blueberry muffin for breakfast now and then, when I have the time. Now, I really must…”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
I quite agree. A blueberry muffin with butter and a nice pot of hot tea early in the morning can be absolutely lovely.
[/quote]
Oh yes - totally yummy!
[quote]
[quote]
Jaheira blinked. “Oh, shut your face, you little fool,” she snapped, shaking her leg to try to dislodge the yelling gnome. “What utter nonsense. Muffins are meant to be eaten. Surprising as it may seem to you, a muffin is not a person.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
Jaheira, I really don’t think reasoning with this strange lady is going to help.
[/quote]
Nope. Some people simply can't be reasoned with.
[quote]
[quote]
“And so could I,” Valygar’s voice said from behind them. It was with a kind of weary resignation that Jaheira noticed he was accompanied by a large ogre, one that looked very perplexed. I should know better than to be surprised by anything that happens while traveling with this group, I really should. [/quote]
Clarisse:
Honestly, Jaheira, I think this ogre is the most reasonable creature you’ve met today, barring your friends of course. Well, some of your friends, anyway.
[/quote]
*grin* You've got a point there.
[quote]
[quote]“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” Then she shrugged in the direction of the house from where the wails were still coming. “Eddie and I found this Mimic, and brought some of its blood back to the wizard Ano met earlier, the one who wanted it to animate his pet golem. Good thing he paid us before the thing went nuts and smashed his head in.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
Oh dear. I guess it was a mistake to fetch that blood for him.
[/quote]
Well...he *did* ask for it.
[quote]
[quote]Edwin shrugged. “The girl will at least have a large inheritance with which to comfort herself, plus she will be able to marry the man she desires. A favorable trade, I would say.”
[/quote]
Clarisse:
That’s rather callous, sir. I’m sure if you lost your father, no amount of money would make up for it.
[/quote]
Of course not. And some day, he might just have to learn that lesson.
[quote]
By the way, speaking of chaos, whatever became of that hand?
[/quote]
It's still around, and you'll see it again.
[quote]
[quote]Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Good story! Lots of fun.
[/quote]
Thank you!
[quote]
Mmmmmmmm... Muffins!
[/quote]
[quote]
http://www.muffinfilms.com/
[/quote]
[quote]
--Rick Taylor[/quote]
Mmmm, muffins!
Rogues do it from behind.
#17
Laufey
-
- Moderators
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- 18306 posts
Transcendant
Posted 22 May 2005 - 08:23 AM
And not a party memberDisclaimer: Contains dangerous lunatic - not Xzar.
Quite.
Good thing he didn't say 'nice human bones'.“But how?” the gnoll was saying, then made a whining noise deep within its furry throat. “They see us, they kill us.” It yipped with distress. “Don’t want no more fighting, just wanna few nice bones to gnaw on and a cozy spot by the fire…”
No...he's a reformed gnoll, I'm sure.
And they completely forgot about the fertility ritesJaheira, too, had decided to catch some air. It was getting rather hot and noisy indoors, now that the feast was well underway, and the by now quite drunken Minister Lloyd kept trying to question her about the details of druidic life, having obviously read some very imaginative books involving nude dancing in the moonlight. Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one.
Indeed, the ignorant fools!
Jaheira diplomacy is almost as bad as Thayvian diplomacy.Jaheira blinked. “Oh, shut your face, you little fool,” she snapped, shaking her leg to try to dislodge the yelling gnome. “What utter nonsense. Muffins are meant to be eaten. Surprising as it may seem to you, a muffin is not a person.”
*grin* Yes...she's a bit too forthright, I think. I do agree with her here though.
So much for the Imnesvale Cowlie.“Jaheira? What’s going on?” Zaerini’s eyes were wide with surprise, and she turned her attention from the dead golem to the prone, but still alive gnome on the ground. It was with some relish that Jaheira noticed that most of the muffins had been trodden flat. Edwin accompanied the bard, not surprisingly, and they both looked rather out of breath. From the house down the street, somebody could be heard crying ‘Daddy! Oh no!’
I honestly hadn't *planned* to kill him, it just happened that way.
No sympathy for the squashed wizard; Rini's been with Edwin a little too long.“Can’t blame them,” Zaerini said, munching on a chocolate muffin that had miraculously survived the carnage of its fellows. “She’s a good baker though.” Then she shrugged in the direction of the house from where the wails were still coming. “Eddie and I found this Mimic, and brought some of its blood back to the wizard Ano met earlier, the one who wanted it to animate his pet golem. Good thing he paid us before the thing went nuts and smashed his head in.”
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.
Be afraid! Be veeeerrrry afraid!
Rogues do it from behind.
#18
Guest_Melle_*
Guest_Melle_*
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- Guests
Posted 23 May 2005 - 07:51 PM
Disclaimer: Contains dangerous lunatic - not Xzar.
Rini: Tuesday already, is it?
There has to be something about adventurers that attracts insane people. Why, hardly a week goes by when I don’t encounter some kind of flaming loony, usually one hell-bent on finding out what my insides look like when removed from my body. Of course, some people would probably say that like attracts like – adventuring isn’t an occupation for ‘normal’ people, after all.
Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’
Seems we think alike.
“You’re all morons,” the troll sneered, tossing his head. Carrot red braids flew in the air, and nearly entangled themselves with his tusks. “All of you. If you’d only listened to me, Madulf…”
Red braids on a troll? Sounds rather warcrafty, if you ask me.
Jaheira, too, had decided to catch some air. It was getting rather hot and noisy indoors, now that the feast was well underway, and the by now quite drunken Minister Lloyd kept trying to question her about the details of druidic life, having obviously read some very imaginative books involving nude dancing in the moonlight. Foolish nonsense. They really managed to get all the moon phases wrong, every single one.
...
The gnome startled as she noticed Jaheira, and then a wide, bright and just a little disturbing smile plastered itself all over her face. She leapt to her feet and sidled over towards the druid, dragging her basket behind her. “So, do you like muffins?” she asked without preamble.
So, this would be the nutter of the week, I take it...
Briefly, Jaheira considered rapping the gnome over her knuckles with her scimitar, in order to get away. No. I might as well reply, if it will make her go away. “Blueberry,” she curtly replied. “I like to eat a nice blueberry muffin for breakfast now and then, when I have the time. Now, I really must…”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” The gnome shrieked with horror, shrieked as if somebody had just torn her heart out, and her frizzy hair stood straight up. “NOOOOOOO! You…you…you monster! Murderer! MUFFIN-SLAYER!”
Muffins are people too! Once I freed 5000 muffins from a muffin farm!
Jaheira blinked. “Oh, shut your face, you little fool,” she snapped, shaking her leg to try to dislodge the yelling gnome. “What utter nonsense. Muffins are meant to be eaten. Surprising as it may seem to you, a muffin is not a person.”
“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”
Yes, very much alike.
The ogre turned towards Valygar, clearing his throat. He still was looking very confused. “And you say humans fear ogres will bring chaos?” he asked.
Hm, a setting where annoying gnomes replace orcs as the standard morally acceptable genocide victims... It has potential.
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.
Yay!
#19
Laufey
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- Moderators
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- 18306 posts
Transcendant
Posted 23 May 2005 - 08:18 PM
[quote]
[quote]
There has to be something about adventurers that attracts insane people. Why, hardly a week goes by when I don’t encounter some kind of flaming loony, usually one hell-bent on finding out what my insides look like when removed from my body. Of course, some people would probably say that like attracts like – adventuring isn’t an occupation for ‘normal’ people, after all.
[/quote]
[quote]
Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Seems we think alike.
[/quote]
Indeed!
[quote]
[quote]
“You’re all morons,” the troll sneered, tossing his head. Carrot red braids flew in the air, and nearly entangled themselves with his tusks. “All of you. If you’d only listened to me, Madulf…”
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Red braids on a troll? Sounds rather warcrafty, if you ask me.
[/quote]
*grins* So it does...I felt inspired.
[quote]
[quote]
The gnome startled as she noticed Jaheira, and then a wide, bright and just a little disturbing smile plastered itself all over her face. She leapt to her feet and sidled over towards the druid, dragging her basket behind her. “So, do you like muffins?” she asked without preamble.
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
So, this would be the nutter of the week, I take it...
[/quote]
Yep!
[quote]
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” The gnome shrieked with horror, shrieked as if somebody had just torn her heart out, and her frizzy hair stood straight up. “NOOOOOOO! You…you…you monster! Murderer! MUFFIN-SLAYER!”
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Muffins are people too! Once I freed 5000 muffins from a muffin farm!
[/quote]
And then they were all trampled to death!
[quote]
“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Yes, very much alike.
[/quote]
My thought exactly.
[quote]
[quote]
The ogre turned towards Valygar, clearing his throat. He still was looking very confused. “And you say humans fear ogres will bring chaos?” he asked.
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Hm, a setting where annoying gnomes replace orcs as the standard morally acceptable genocide victims... It has potential.
[/quote]
Unless it's cute warlock gnomes, of course!
[quote]
[quote]
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Yay![/quote]
[quote]
There has to be something about adventurers that attracts insane people. Why, hardly a week goes by when I don’t encounter some kind of flaming loony, usually one hell-bent on finding out what my insides look like when removed from my body. Of course, some people would probably say that like attracts like – adventuring isn’t an occupation for ‘normal’ people, after all.
[/quote]
[quote]
Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Seems we think alike.
[/quote]
Indeed!
[quote]
[quote]
“You’re all morons,” the troll sneered, tossing his head. Carrot red braids flew in the air, and nearly entangled themselves with his tusks. “All of you. If you’d only listened to me, Madulf…”
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Red braids on a troll? Sounds rather warcrafty, if you ask me.
[/quote]
*grins* So it does...I felt inspired.
[quote]
[quote]
The gnome startled as she noticed Jaheira, and then a wide, bright and just a little disturbing smile plastered itself all over her face. She leapt to her feet and sidled over towards the druid, dragging her basket behind her. “So, do you like muffins?” she asked without preamble.
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
So, this would be the nutter of the week, I take it...
[/quote]
Yep!
[quote]
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” The gnome shrieked with horror, shrieked as if somebody had just torn her heart out, and her frizzy hair stood straight up. “NOOOOOOO! You…you…you monster! Murderer! MUFFIN-SLAYER!”
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Muffins are people too! Once I freed 5000 muffins from a muffin farm!
[/quote]
And then they were all trampled to death!
[quote]
“They are! They are, they are, they are!” The gnome’s eyes were bulging even more now, and little flecks of spittle were flying from her mouth. “You…you big meanie! I told you, MUFFINS ARE PURE INNOCENT GOODNESS! AND IF YOU EAT THEM, YOU’RE MAKING THE WORLD A NASTIER PLACE WITH EVERY MURDEROUS BITE!” She blew her nose into her sleeve. “I’ve always identified with muffins, you know.”
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Yes, very much alike.
[/quote]
My thought exactly.
[quote]
[quote]
The ogre turned towards Valygar, clearing his throat. He still was looking very confused. “And you say humans fear ogres will bring chaos?” he asked.
[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Hm, a setting where annoying gnomes replace orcs as the standard morally acceptable genocide victims... It has potential.
[/quote]
Unless it's cute warlock gnomes, of course!
[quote]
[quote]
Next: Jaheira has an unpleasant surprise. Also, possibly my nastiest Jansen story yet.[/quote]
[/quote]
[quote]
Yay![/quote]
Rogues do it from behind.
#20
Guest_Melle_*
Guest_Melle_*
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Posted 23 May 2005 - 09:32 PM
Hm, a setting where annoying gnomes replace orcs as the standard morally acceptable genocide victims... It has potential.
Unless it's cute warlock gnomes, of course!
Oh, they don't mind. Kill on Sight works both ways, you know.
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