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Impossibilty 2 (off)


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#1 Guest_Kiljadan_*

Posted 27 January 2003 - 05:25 AM

Okay here is the next chapter (if it can be called that, it's barely two pages) in my little story and its a little less vague. The characters actually have names this time! :) Well anyway this chapter is a bit different from the first and I'm not sure I entirely like it, some parts I think I over did it a bit. But I'm gonna post it in any case and throw myself at your mercies.
_____________________________________________________________

Impossibility 2 - Return to Consciousness

“Hey... hey you... wake up,” said the girl with purplish pink hair, “It’s me, Imoen. Come on wake up Helion.” Hearing his name the man named Helion forced himself to sit up. Another wave of pain hit him and he almost fell back down, but he gritted his teeth, shook his head, and stood up instead. He felt like he was swimming in a turbulent ocean of pain with eddies and currents that might pull him down at any moment. It took all he had to keep above the surface.

Fighting for clarity, Helion croaked out, “Im... Imoen... is that really you.” She replied, “Of course it’s me silly who else would it be?” A memory flashed into Helion’s mind for an instant about dopplegangers and Imoen and Him and then was gone just as fast as Imoen continued, “He messed with your mind too didn’t he?” Then desperately, “Oh Helion we got to get out of here. We’ve got to escape!”

Realizing what he said next would be very important to Imoen, Helion forced down any of the pain he still felt and said in a voice more confident than he felt, “Don’t worry Imm, we’ll get out of here. We won’t let him...” Torture us anymore? Keep us caged? Treat us like guinea pigs? “do anything to us anymore.”

“It’s good to hear that from you Hel. It’s very good to here that,” Imoen confided feeling less frightened now. “There’s some weapons and equipment from the room I came from. I don’t think any of it’s ours though.” Considering this, Helion came to a sudden realization. “Where are the others Imm? Are they...” Still alive? No don’t think that. “Around here somewhere?” “There are lots of cells around here Hel. I-if they are... anywhere they’ll be over in that direction.” Imoen stated while pointing behind Helion. “Then lets get going Imm. We need to move before... Well we just need to move.” Helion had almost said that they needed to move before He comes back, but taking in consideration Imoen’s mental state... and his, it wouldn’t have been for the best.

Imoen unlocked Helion’s cage and helped him step out. Stretching for the first time since he was out of that cage, Helion wondered just how long he had been in there. I don’t remember much of anything. I remember being taken out at times, but the details escape me.

“Are you ok Hel?” Helion broke out of his thoughts, “I’m fine Imm, my memory is just a bit hazy.” That’s the understatement of the year, but it would only worry her if she knew. I care too much about her to have her worrying about me on top of whatever He did to her. “Mine is too Hel. It’s all just... so foggy, but then every once and awhile, I remember some things about what he’s done... to us... and...” Imoen shuddered involuntarily. Helion moved to stand by Imoen and rubbed her back a bit to sooth her, “It’ll be all right Imm. As soon as we find the others, we’ll get as far away from here as we can.” This seemed to calm her some and the pair began their search.

As they walked along, Helion tried to get a good look of Imoen. The dimness of the magical lights made it difficult, but what he was able to see startled him. There was of course the understandable, natural raggedness and dirtiness of clothes, hair and skin from being anywhere for as long as they had without a bath or new clothes, but what Helion saw went far beyond that. Imoen’s clothes were completely ripped up, they were hanging on only as ribbons; and it wasn’t from overuse or becoming snagged on a jutting nail or some such. They looked like knives had been taken to them, and there was dried blood in many places to prove that the sharp objects hadn’t been meant for the clothes alone.

But these things were inconsequential. What really bothered Helion was her thinness and the scars... From what he could see, they covered her. They went along her arms, some small and some long, some straight and some jagged, some looked like magic had healed them well and others appeared to have been purposely left unattended. Even those weren’t too bad they would disappear with time, but the scars on her face. Helion had always thought Imoen had been rather pretty if not outright beautiful, and he still thought that, but the scars unsettled him. There was a particularly nasty one right on top of her right eye. That bastard! He’ll pay for what he’s done to her!

Helion had been trying to be surreptitious in his observation of her, but Imoen caught him anyway. In a sad but resigned voice she stated, “Yea I know... I’m going to have some bad scars from this... You’ll have some bad ones too, but on you... they don’t look so bad, you know... dangerous and exciting; while on me they just look...” Imoen trailed off and looked down. “Imm, they aren’t that bad.” “But they are Hel. They are. I look hideous! I’ll never be able to attract a man with a face like this!” “Imm, that’s just not true. While they don’t look nice, they could scarcely make you look ugly. Any man who doesn’t see that is blind or a fool!” Imoen felt a bit better but asked anyway, “Well you’re a man... what is it exactly that you think?... and don’t you lie or hold anything back; I’ll be able to tell!”

Now Helion was blushing. Imoen wasn’t boasting when she had said she could tell, it was the gods-honest truth. I’ve never been able to slip anything past her. She’s always said I give it all away with my face. Then he thought sardonically. Well perhaps all my blushing will fool her lie-detector. Helion considered this. Hmmmmm... no... no, honesty would serve best here. No matter how embarrassing it might be. Lying might make her think I’m only trying to spare her feelings.

Making a silent prayer to any god listening that Imoen wouldn’t see his blush, Helion said in a near-whisper with conviction, “Imm, I think that you are very beautiful and... and... that it would take far more than a few scars to make you look any less fair than you are. And the-then you have so many other qualities: your kind, y-your funny, your intelligent... L-like I said, only a fool would find you unattractive.” Helion let out a sigh of relief. Okay that wasn’t so bad, I only stuttered a few times. It’s a shame though that MY DAMN FACE FEELS LIKE IT’S ON FIRE!!! But maybe she won’t notice that. Yea... maybe...

Imoen thinks this over for a moment and then breaks into an enchanting smile, “Oh... that’s so sweet of you to say...” She pauses and her smile widens, “by the way you’re blushing (giggle).” Damn it. Despite the laugh, Imoen’s face turns a little red, and she seems to value the compliment.

#2 Laufey

Posted 27 January 2003 - 05:34 AM

“Hey... hey you... wake up,” said the girl with purplish pink hair, “It’s me, Imoen. Come on wake up Helion.” Hearing his name the man named Helion forced himself to sit up. Another wave of pain hit him and he almost fell back down, but he gritted his teeth, shook his head, and stood up instead. He felt like he was swimming in a turbulent ocean of pain with eddies and currents that might pull him down at any moment. It took all he had to keep above the surface.


Liked that phrase about the ocean of pain.

Realizing what he said next would be very important to Imoen, Helion forced down any of the pain he still felt and said in a voice more confident than he felt, “Don’t worry Imm, we’ll get out of here. We won’t let him...” Torture us anymore? Keep us caged? Treat us like guinea pigs? “do anything to us anymore.”


Rini: *sigh* Brother, I know how you feel. Just thinking about Him is bad. Really bad.

As they walked along, Helion tried to get a good look of Imoen. The dimness of the magical lights made it difficult, but what he was able to see startled him. There was of course the understandable, natural raggedness and dirtiness of clothes, hair and skin from being anywhere for as long as they had without a bath or new clothes, but what Helion saw went far beyond that. Imoen’s clothes were completely ripped up, they were hanging on only as ribbons; and it wasn’t from overuse or becoming snagged on a jutting nail or some such. They looked like knives had been taken to them, and there was dried blood in many places to prove that the sharp objects hadn’t been meant for the clothes alone.


*sniff* Always feel bad seeing what was done to Immy.

But these things were inconsequential. What really bothered Helion was her thinness and the scars... From what he could see, they covered her. They went along her arms, some small and some long, some straight and some jagged, some looked like magic had healed them well and others appeared to have been purposely left unattended. Even those weren’t too bad they would disappear with time, but the scars on her face. Helion had always thought Imoen had been rather pretty if not outright beautiful, and he still thought that, but the scars unsettled him. There was a particularly nasty one right on top of her right eye. That bastard! He’ll pay for what he’s done to her!


Even more sad stuff. :D Plenty of nice details here too.


Making a silent prayer to any god listening that Imoen wouldn’t see his blush, Helion said in a near-whisper with conviction, “Imm, I think that you are very beautiful and... and... that it would take far more than a few scars to make you look any less fair than you are. And the-then you have so many other qualities: your kind, y-your funny, your intelligent... L-like I said, only a fool would find you unattractive.” Helion let out a sigh of relief. Okay that wasn’t so bad, I only stuttered a few times. It’s a shame though that MY DAMN FACE FEELS LIKE IT’S ON FIRE!!! But maybe she won’t notice that. Yea... maybe...


Awwww... :) That was very sweet.
Rogues do it from behind.

#3 Guest_Kiljadan_*

Posted 27 January 2003 - 05:52 AM

*sniff* Always feel bad seeing what was done to Immy.

Even more sad stuff. Plenty of nice details here too.


Yep, Immy had a bad go with Irenicus. I've always wondered, however, who had it worse, the final product (the PC) or the prototype (Immy).

Awwww... That was very sweet.


Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. That was the part I was worried I had over done.

#4 Guest_Lord E_*

Posted 27 January 2003 - 09:24 AM

Well written stuff! (Sorry for not being very original, my brain is a bit clogged right now).

#5 Guest_Hunter_*

Posted 27 January 2003 - 11:08 AM

[quote name="Kiljadan"]Okay here is the next chapter (if it can be called that, it's barely two pages) in my little story and its a little less vague. The characters actually have names this time! :) Well anyway this chapter is a bit different from the first and I'm not sure I entirely like it, some parts I think I over did it a bit. But I'm gonna post it in any case and throw myself at your mercies.

No mercy to be found here. :)

(just kidding)

[quote]
As they walked along, Helion tried to get a good look of Imoen. The dimness of the magical lights made it difficult, but what he was able to see startled him. There was of course the understandable, natural raggedness and dirtiness of clothes, hair and skin from being anywhere for as long as they had without a bath or new clothes, but what Helion saw went far beyond that. Imoen’s clothes were completely ripped up, they were hanging on only as ribbons; and it wasn’t from overuse or becoming snagged on a jutting nail or some such. They looked like knives had been taken to them, and there was dried blood in many places to prove that the sharp objects hadn’t been meant for the clothes alone.
[/quote]

he dosen't want to know.

[quote]
Helion had been trying to be surreptitious in his observation of her, but Imoen caught him anyway. In a sad but resigned voice she stated, “Yea I know... I’m going to have some bad scars from this... You’ll have some bad ones too, but on you... they don’t look so bad, you know... dangerous and exciting; while on me they just look...” Imoen trailed off and looked down. “Imm, they aren’t that bad.” “But they are Hel. They are. I look hideous! I’ll never be able to attract a man with a face like this!” “Imm, that’s just not true. While they don’t look nice, they could scarcely make you look ugly. Any man who doesn’t see that is blind or a fool!” Imoen felt a bit better but asked anyway, “Well you’re a man... what is it exactly that you think?... and don’t you lie or hold anything back; I’ll be able to tell!”
[/quote]

Uh oh! Think carefully before you answer, helion.

[quote]
Making a silent prayer to any god listening that Imoen wouldn’t see his blush, Helion said in a near-whisper with conviction, “Imm, I think that you are very beautiful and... and... that it would take far more than a few scars to make you look any less fair than you are. And the-then you have so many other qualities: your kind, y-your funny, your intelligent... L-like I said, only a fool would find you unattractive.” Helion let out a sigh of relief. Okay that wasn’t so bad, I only stuttered a few times. It’s a shame though that MY DAMN FACE FEELS LIKE IT’S ON FIRE!!! But maybe she won’t notice that. Yea... maybe...
[/quote]

LOL, embarrasing. :D

[quote]
Imoen thinks this over for a moment and then breaks into an enchanting smile, “Oh... that’s so sweet of you to say...” She pauses and her smile widens, “by the way you’re blushing (giggle).” Damn it. Despite the laugh, Imoen’s face turns a little red, and she seems to value the compliment.[/quote]

Nice beginning

Hunter

#6 Guest_Kiljadan_*

Posted 27 January 2003 - 01:35 PM

Well written stuff! (Sorry for not being very original, my brain is a bit clogged right now).


Thanks for the comment Lord E and it's all right not being original. I'm just glad you read it.

#7 Guest_Kiljadan_*

Posted 27 January 2003 - 01:39 PM

LOL, embarrasing.


Very embarrasing...

Nice beginning


Thank you...

and thanks for the other comments Hunter.

#8 Sumpton

Posted 27 January 2003 - 06:16 PM

Good description of Jon dungeon. And the chatter between Imoen and Hel at the end brought their relationship out nicely.

Thanks...

Cheers...

#9 Guest_Kiljadan_*

Posted 27 January 2003 - 10:10 PM

Thanks for the comments Sumpton; I'm glad you liked it.

#10 Guest_Rose of Jericho_*

Posted 28 January 2003 - 12:16 AM

Okay here is the next chapter (if it can be called that, it's barely two pages) in my little story and its a little less vague. The characters actually have names this time! ;) Well anyway this chapter is a bit different from the first and I'm not sure I entirely like it, some parts I think I over did it a bit. But I'm gonna post it in any case and throw myself at your mercies.


Sometimes stories you don't like at all are ones that end up being pretty good. Let's see, shall we? :)

By the way, I'm going to offer some writing advice as I go, so be warned. Feel free to ignore me.

“Hey... hey you... wake up,” said the girl with purplish pink hair, “It’s me, Imoen. Come on wake up Helion.” Hearing his name the man named Helion forced himself to sit up. Another wave of pain hit him and he almost fell back down, but he gritted his teeth, shook his head, and stood up instead. He felt like he was swimming in a turbulent ocean of pain with eddies and currents that might pull him down at any moment. It took all he had to keep above the surface.


Now that's a nice use of metaphor, with the ocean of pain and Helion keeping above the surface. Lovely.

Fighting for clarity, Helion croaked out, “Im... Imoen... is that really you.” She replied, “Of course it’s me silly who else would it be?” A memory flashed into Helion’s mind for an instant about dopplegangers and Imoen and Him and then was gone just as fast as Imoen continued, “He messed with your mind too didn’t he?” Then desperately, “Oh Helion we got to get out of here. We’ve got to escape!”


Ah, great use of past as well. I had forgotten about the dopplegangers, but it's neat that you brought them back.

One criticism -- it's best to keep each character's dialogue in separate paragraphs. Example:

Fighting for clarity, Helion croaked out, "Im ... Imoen is that really you?"

She replied, "Of course it's me, silly, who else would it be?" A memory flashed into Helion's mind ... as Imoen continued, "He messed with your mind, didn't he?" Then, desperately, she cried, "Oh Helion, we have got to get out of here. We've got to escape."


This helps to make the dialogue more understandable, and the reader won't have to do any mental gymnastics on who's speaking when. Also, you might want to look up the rules of grammar on commas. I thought there were quite a few missing. This is a piece of advice you can roundly ignore, since just about everyone has their own idea of where commas should go.
I'm just picky about them.

Realizing what he said next would be very important to Imoen, Helion forced down any of the pain he still felt and said in a voice more confident than he felt, “Don’t worry Imm, we’ll get out of here. We won’t let him...” Torture us anymore? Keep us caged? Treat us like guinea pigs? “do anything to us anymore.”


You're setting up Helion's character really nicely here. He's caring and very aware of what he means to Imoen.
I'd put an ellipses before "... do anything to us anymore." It connects the two halves of the sentence.

“Are you ok Hel?” Helion broke out of his thoughts, “I’m fine Imm, my memory is just a bit hazy.” That’s the understatement of the year, but it would only worry her if she knew. I care too much about her to have her worrying about me on top of whatever He did to her. “Mine is too Hel. It’s all just... so foggy, but then every once and awhile, I remember some things about what he’s done... to us... and...” Imoen shuddered involuntarily. Helion moved to stand by Imoen and rubbed her back a bit to sooth her,


Soothe her. Aww, that's really nice. So does he care of Imm as a brother or ... more? :)

But these things were inconsequential. What really bothered Helion was her thinness and the scars... From what he could see, they covered her. They went along her arms, some small and some long, some straight and some jagged, some looked like magic had healed them well and others appeared to have been purposely left unattended. Even those weren’t too bad they would disappear with time, but the scars on her face. Helion had always thought Imoen had been rather pretty if not outright beautiful, and he still thought that, but the scars unsettled him. There was a particularly nasty one right on top of her right eye. That bastard! He’ll pay for what he’s done to her!


That's a really good description, perfectly matches the characer portrait. It IS quite a change from the Imoen in BG1.

Helion had been trying to be surreptitious in his observation of her, but Imoen caught him anyway. In a sad but resigned voice she stated, “Yea I know... I’m going to have some bad scars from this... You’ll have some bad ones too, but on you... they don’t look so bad, you know... dangerous and exciting; while on me they just look...” Imoen trailed off and looked down. “Imm, they aren’t that bad.” “But they are Hel. They are. I look hideous! I’ll never be able to attract a man with a face like this!”


Lawd, I hope she's kidding. This is NOT the time and place to worry about dating. Heh. And who's to say that a scar can't make a woman more lovely? There's a lovely sentence in "War and Peace" about how a flaw on a beautiful woman's face made her even more lovely because it makes it real.

Making a silent prayer to any god listening that Imoen wouldn’t see his blush, Helion said in a near-whisper with conviction, “Imm, I think that you are very beautiful and... and... that it would take far more than a few scars to make you look any less fair than you are. And the-then you have so many other qualities: your kind, y-your funny, your intelligent... L-like I said, only a fool would find you unattractive.” Helion let out a sigh of relief. Okay that wasn’t so bad, I only stuttered a few times. It’s a shame though that MY DAMN FACE FEELS LIKE IT’S ON FIRE!!! But maybe she won’t notice that. Yea... maybe...


LOL!! Love among the ruins. I did enjoy this!

Imoen thinks this over for a moment and then breaks into an enchanting smile, “Oh... that’s so sweet of you to say...” She pauses and her smile widens, “by the way you’re blushing (giggle).” Damn it. Despite the laugh, Imoen’s face turns a little red, and she seems to value the compliment.


Hmmm, what's with the sudden change in tense?

I like the dynamic between these two already. You're setting up for a rather interesting pairing, rather than the sibling relationship we usually see. I'm interested in seeing more.

Rose of Jericho

#11 Anaviel

Posted 28 January 2003 - 12:32 AM

“Hey... hey you... wake up,” said the girl with purplish pink hair, “It’s me, Imoen. Come on wake up Helion.” Hearing his name the man named


I think Helion is an extremely appropriate name for a Bhaalspawn.

Helion forced himself to sit up. Another wave of pain hit him and he almost fell back down, but he gritted his teeth, shook his head, and stood up instead. He felt like he was swimming in a turbulent ocean of pain with eddies and currents that might pull him down at any moment. It took all he had to keep above the surface.


Excellent description :)

Fighting for clarity, Helion croaked out, “Im... Imoen... is that really you.” She replied, “Of course it’s me silly who else would it be?” A memory flashed into Helion’s mind for an instant about dopplegangers and Imoen and Him and then was gone just as fast as Imoen continued, “He messed with your mind too didn’t he?” Then desperately, “Oh Helion we got to get out of here. We’ve got to escape!”


Considering what he's been through, I can't blame him for not knowing it was really Imoen... :) hmm..I think it might be better if you switched paragraphs everytime there's a new speaker, otherwise it can get hard to tell who's speaking.

“Mine is too Hel. It’s all just... so foggy, but then every once and awhile, I remember some things about what he’s done... to us... and...” Imoen shuddered involuntarily.


Poor Imoen..it's really sad all the torture she went through..

As they walked along, Helion tried to get a good look of Imoen. The dimness of the magical lights made it difficult, but what he was able to see startled him. There was of course the understandable, natural raggedness and dirtiness of clothes, hair and skin from being anywhere for as long as they had without a bath or new clothes, but what Helion saw went far beyond that. Imoen’s clothes were completely ripped up, they were hanging on only as ribbons; and it wasn’t from overuse or becoming snagged on a jutting nail or some such. They looked like knives had been taken to them, and there was dried blood in many places to prove that the sharp objects hadn’t been meant for the clothes alone.


Irenicus is one sick man..

This is pretty good ;). I look forward to reading more :).
Crazy? I used to be crazy. Then they put me in a white room. Then I died then they put me in a box with worms. Worms drive me crazy.
Crazy? I used to be crazy....

#12 Guest_Kiljadan_*

Posted 28 January 2003 - 01:14 AM

I think Helion is an extremely appropriate name for a Bhaalspawn.


hellion
n : a rowdy or mischievous person (usually a young man)

[Probably alteration (influenced by hell), of dialectal hallion, worthless person.]

Though thats not even why I picked the name. I thought up the name, played throught BG2 with him and only before I started writing this did I see if it meant close to anything. Actually though I don't think I'm going to have Helion be much of a hellion.

Considering what he's been through, I can't blame him for not knowing it was really Imoen... hmm..I think it might be better if you switched paragraphs everytime there's a new speaker, otherwise it can get hard to tell who's speaking.


Yes, I can see how that might be confusing. Usually I just group my paragraphs by the main idea of it.

This is pretty good . I look forward to reading more .


Thank you Anaviel, and I look forward to posting more soon. :)

#13 Guest_Kiljadan_*

Posted 28 January 2003 - 01:50 AM

[quote]By the way, I'm going to offer some writing advice as I go, so be warned. Feel free to ignore me.[/quote]

Advice is fine. I can always use advice. Whether I follow it to the letter though... ;)

[quote]Now that's a nice use of metaphor, with the ocean of pain and Helion keeping above the surface. Lovely.[/quote]

Thank you very much. Though I think I stole that from another book! :D Don't remember which one though.

[quote]One criticism -- it's best to keep each character's dialogue in separate paragraphs. Example:

Quote:

Fighting for clarity, Helion croaked out, "Im ... Imoen is that really you?"

She replied, "Of course it's me, silly, who else would it be?" A memory flashed into Helion's mind ... as Imoen continued, "He messed with your mind, didn't he?" Then, desperately, she cried, "Oh Helion, we have got to get out of here. We've got to escape."


This helps to make the dialogue more understandable, and the reader won't have to do any mental gymnastics on who's speaking when. Also, you might want to look up the rules of grammar on commas. I thought there were quite a few missing. This is a piece of advice you can roundly ignore, since just about everyone has their own idea of where commas should go.
I'm just picky about them. [/quote]

I see what you mean about the dialogue. I'm kinda new to this kind of writing (all we do in English is write letters or what we think about a piece of writing) and whenever I read I just kinda ignore the paragraphs. :)

As for the commas, I try to put them in whenever I can think of where its suppossed to be, and I like to use correct English (which this run on sentence is not :) ), but I usually prefer to make it good enough so people can understand the meaning rather than have it be something that would get a good grade for conventions.

[quote]I'd put an ellipses before "... do anything to us anymore." It connects the two halves of the sentence.[/quote]

I entirely agree here. It's just my inexperience catching up with me.

[quote]Soothe her. Aww, that's really nice. So does he care of Imm as a brother or ... more?[/quote]

I wondered when someone would ask this. You'll just have to wait and see... (I'm not even sure whats going to happen :D )

[quote]That's a really good description, perfectly matches the characer portrait. It IS quite a change from the Imoen in BG1.[/quote]

Thank you and yes the change is rather incredible. I played through BG2 first and then later went through BG1, so I've always considered the BG2 one to be her true portrait.

[quote]Lawd, I hope she's kidding. This is NOT the time and place to worry about dating.quote]

Errr... you've discovered it. The place I was worried I had overdone. No she is not kidding and no she isn't exactly thinking about dating anyone. Its just that she's rather upset. I hope my next chapter will clear this up a bit. It will go into Imoen's head and shows us a bit of what she's thinking.

[quote]Hmmm, what's with the sudden change in tense?[/quote]

We'll just call that a brain fart and leave it at that. :)

[quote]I like the dynamic between these two already. You're setting up for a rather interesting pairing, rather than the sibling relationship we usually see. I'm interested in seeing more.[/quote]

I never really considered them "siblings." I've always thought "best friends" fits much better. I mean Gorion was the PCs foster-father, and Winthrop, more or less, was Imoen's. (I'm talking about the time before they find out they are related here. I have some of my own ideas about thier brother-sister relationship discovery.)

Thank you for your comments Rose and I hope you make more. :)

#14 Guest_Jaime_*

Posted 28 January 2003 - 02:19 AM

[

“Hey... hey you... wake up,” said the girl with purplish pink hair, “It’s me, Imoen. Come on wake up Helion.” Hearing his name the man named Helion forced himself to sit up. Another wave of pain hit him and he almost fell back down, but he gritted his teeth, shook his head, and stood up instead. He felt like he was swimming in a turbulent ocean of pain with eddies and currents that might pull him down at any moment. It took all he had to keep above the surface.


I know how it feels...most unpleasent...

[

But these things were inconsequential. What really bothered Helion was her thinness and the scars... From what he could see, they covered her. They went along her arms, some small and some long, some straight and some jagged, some looked like magic had healed them well and others appeared to have been purposely left unattended. Even those weren’t too bad they would disappear with time, but the scars on her face. Helion had always thought Imoen had been rather pretty if not outright beautiful, and he still thought that, but the scars unsettled him. There was a particularly nasty one right on top of her right eye. That bastard! He’ll pay for what he’s done to her!


That's a wonderful emotion

Making a silent prayer to any god listening that Imoen wouldn’t see his blush, Helion said in a near-whisper with conviction, “Imm, I think that you are very beautiful and... and... that it would take far more than a few scars to make you look any less fair than you are. And the-then you have so many other qualities: your kind, y-your funny, your intelligent... L-like I said, only a fool would find you unattractive.” Helion let out a sigh of relief. Okay that wasn’t so bad, I only stuttered a few times. It’s a shame though that MY DAMN FACE FEELS LIKE IT’S ON FIRE!!! But maybe she won’t notice that. Yea... maybe...


Imoen thinks this over for a moment and then breaks into an enchanting smile, “Oh... that’s so sweet of you to say...” She pauses and her smile widens, “by the way you’re blushing (giggle).” Damn it. Despite the laugh, Imoen’s face turns a little red, and she seems to value the compliment.


I am looking forward to the next chapter

#15 Guest_Kiljadan_*

Posted 28 January 2003 - 02:29 AM

Thanks for the comments Jaime and I hope to get the next chapter out soon.

#16 Guest_Dorotea_*

Posted 28 January 2003 - 03:44 AM

Oh that was very sweet. Am I imagining things or these two have very special relationship?

“Don’t worry Imm, we’ll get out of here. We won’t let him...” Torture us anymore? Keep us caged? Treat us like guinea pigs? “do anything to us anymore.”


Hey I have a fat plump guinea pig and I treat her nicely, in fact I cuddle her right now! Pouts a little.

LOL! I did not mean it, just kidding. The way you separate innter monologue in italics from the words said aloud is very nice. And I loved his inner monologues - they are very much in character.

As they walked along, Helion tried to get a good look of Imoen. The dimness of the magical lights made it difficult, but what he was able to see startled him.



Details are good. I love details.

But these things were inconsequential. What really bothered Helion was her thinness and the scars... From what he could see, they covered her. They went along her arms, some small and some long, some straight and some jagged, some looked like magic had healed them well and others appeared to have been purposely left unattended. Even those weren’t too bad they would disappear with time, but the scars on her face. Helion had always thought Imoen had been rather pretty if not outright beautiful, and he still thought that, but the scars unsettled him.


That was pretty heartbreaking. Awww! I love Imoen so much ... This thing about the scars was the best part of this chapter.

And I like your style. It will help the reader though if you start each piece of a dialog from a different character from a new paragraph. Like so:

"Hi, nice to meet you Helion"

"How do you know my name?" the man in the cage asked.

"Oh, I know my brother," answered the girl with pink hair.

Etc.

Cheers!

#17 Guest_Kiljadan_*

Posted 28 January 2003 - 04:07 AM

Oh that was very sweet. Am I imagining things or these two have very special relationship?


If you mean special as in they are in love. The answer is no. I you mean special as in they're best friends. The answer is yes. You'll learn more about it next chapter.

Hey I have a fat plump guinea pig and I treat her nicely, in fact I cuddle her right now! Pouts a little.

LOL! I did not mean it, just kidding. The way you separate innter monologue in italics from the words said aloud is very nice. And I loved his inner monologues - they are very much in character.


Ahhhh... your making me jealous. I wish I had a fat guinea pig. ;)

Thank you, I'm glad you liked that part. :)

And I like your style. It will help the reader though if you start each piece of a dialog from a different character from a new paragraph. Like so:

"Hi, nice to meet you Helion"

"How do you know my name?" the man in the cage asked.

"Oh, I know my brother," answered the girl with pink hair.


(sigh) I'm beginning to think I'm the only one who didn't know about separating the dialogues. Your the third person to tell me that I believe.

Well I guess I'll just have to conform and do it right from now on. :)

Thank you for the comments Dorotea.




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