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[Laufey]

Chapter 4

Sure do, I'll drink it straight
Don't need no glass or no ice
Don't need no twist of lime
And now it's suppertime!

‘Suppertime’, Little Shop of Horrors

Edwin was quite surprised when he heard the gong calling him down for dinner. He’d been preoccupied with his magic ring for hours, and he hadn’t even noticed. As he tried to get to his feet he winced and almost fell due to a bad cramp in his leg. Apparently he should have shifted his position long ago, but had been too busy to notice. I’m sure I can figure out what it does…how hard can it be? He’d tried rubbing the ring, turning it over and most recently spent an hour trying different words of command, all to no avail. But I’ll get it right. Sooner or later, I will. I really wonder what it does…Edwin shook his head as the gong rang a second time. He’d been on the verge of drifting off again, lost in daydreams of wondrous magical powers, and this wouldn’t do at all. As fast as he could he pounded along the corridor, narrowly avoided toppling a large Kara-Turan urn, climbed atop the railing to the broad, curved marble staircase leading downstairs, and kicked off. He managed to get up to a really impressive speed this time, fast enough to beat his old record he thought, and then he was flying through the air, flying far higher than usual and… Uh-Oh…I’m going to die, I’m going to die, I’m going to die…and then I’ll never figure out what that ring is for! The floor was rushing towards him, and he closed his eyes, preparing himself for the horrible sound of his neck snapping.

Thud.

Edwin’s breath wheezed out of his body as he collided with something solid, but thankfully not as devastatingly hard as the floor. His heart was pounding wildly, and his lungs were aching.

“Trying to lose some more teeth, are we?” Dekaras remarked in an ominously mild voice as he set the still gasping boy down on the floor. “Please do try not to smear yourself all over the walls in the process. It would be such a shame on the wallpaper.”

“Oh!” Edwin said. “Hello, Teacher Dekaras! Did you see me go? Did you see how fast I was? Did you? Did you?”

“Indeed I did,” the assassin solemnly remarked. “You have a good sense of balance…but go more slowly in the future. One of these days I may not be there in time to catch you.”

“All right,” Edwin readily agreed, but he didn’t feel too worried. His teacher would always be there to catch him, that was just the way it always had been and always would be. Imagining anything other was like imagining the sun had fallen out of the sky, that sort of thing simply didn’t happen. “Are you coming in for dinner?”

“I don’t think so,” Dekaras said. “I need a word with your mother, and then I have some things to attend to.”

“But I wanted you to see me eat my soup through the hole in my teeth…”

“I would not dream of missing such a treat for anything in the world,” the assassin said, his voice utterly serious. “But it will have to wait for later, I’m afraid. Run along now…and no eavesdropping.”

Edwin sighed a little about this, but he went obediently enough, and found his father already seated at the table, separated from him by a sea of white linen tablecloth, covered with exquisite bone china, silver cutlery and golden candlesticks. Galen was slowly picking some bread to pieces, while staring dreamily off into empty space with a preoccupied smile on his face. The boy felt his heart sinking. He recognized the signs, only too well. “Hello father,” he said, climbing onto his chair. It was quite a bit too tall for him, but he currently insisted on not using a footstool since that was for ‘babies’, and instead sat dangling his legs over the edge.

“Huh?” the wizard said, his eyes gradually drifting into focus. “Oh, hello there, son! Do you happen to know anything about manure?”

“Manure? What, like poop?”

“Exactly!” Galen said, nodding enthusiastically. “Which kind do you think is best?”

“Best?”

“For gardening…I’m thinking maybe elephant, but I’m told that ogre has certain merits, and of course you simply can’t go wrong with dragon manure.”

Edwin giggled. Manure wasn’t normally an allowed topic of conversation at dinner, and he was determined to take advantage of it. “Dragon poop!” he said. “Dragon poop, because then you could get a real dragon and get all the poop you want, and it could let me ride on its back and eat anybody who was rude to me, and…and poop on people from the air. Lots and lots of poop, enough to make them drown!”

The door to the dining room clicked shut, there was the rustle of a dress behind him and a whiff of perfume, and Edwin startled guiltily at the sound of his mother’s voice. “Edwin, my sweetling…what have we said about the sort of words allowed at dinner?” He winced, and turned around to face her, noticing with some trepidation that her dark eyes were already flashing dangerously, that she was tapping one foot against the floor and had her arms crossed across her chest. She was wearing a cream-colored dress that Edwin thought made her look very pretty, and she even had a couple of white flowers braided into her hair. Ouch…I think she’s mad.

“Er…father asked me about manure,” he eventually said.

“I see,” his mother said, her lips pressing tightly together as she glared at her husband. Then she sat down, with short, sharp movements that told Edwin it would be a very bad idea to contradict her in any way at the moment. “All the same, darling, you really ought to know better. I know you can be a little gentleman if you only want to, isn’t that right?”

“Yes mother,” Edwin hastily said, nodding. He didn’t add that he didn’t particularly want to be a little gentleman. It seemed far better to hold his tongue for now. Gentlemen are boring. When I’m a really great wizard, then I’ll say and do whatever I like. And if anybody says anything I don’t like, I’ll blow them all up with my powerful magic! He thought about that for a moment. Except Teacher Dekaras of course. And mother and father…and Auntie Poppy. But anybody who’s mean to me, anyway. And I’ll go on adventures, and see strange monsters and magical places, maybe even other planes, and I’ll have lots and lots of magical robes and wands and stuff, but no concubines, ‘cause girls are icky, and then…

“So, my husband. You named a plant after me.”

Edwin blinked. He’d been so immersed in his daydream that he’d hardly noticed the conversation that was taking place around him. Now he looked up to find his mother regarding his father, her face ominously blank, while she gently fingered a carving knife.

“Why yes, dearest!” Galen said. “Elvira 2…and what a beauty she is too! I’ve cleared a spot for her in the maze. I’m going into gardening, you see.”

“Yes, so Master Dekaras informed me.” Edwin crouched down a little in his chair as he watched his mother admiring her long and perfectly manicured blood red nails. “He managed to reassure me that you will not tear up any more of my plants without asking first…and also advised me to remember that you meant well. Isn’t that so?”

“Ah…of course, my sweet. As you like it.”

“Good. Just remember that. I really don’t want to lose my temper with you.” She fingered the white blooms in her hair. “I don’t approve of you buying things off Rory Ravonar, but I have taken a look at the…flower…myself, and there don’t seem to be any unpleasant curses attached to it, so I suppose it will be alright. But can’t you at least try to avoid talking to him? The man is trouble, and you ought to know it by now.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’s not as bad as all that…but I won’t be talking to him if you don’t want me to, dearest.”

“Good.”

“Apart from when the time comes to settle the bet, of course.”

The carving knife dropped to the table, and Edwin saw his mother’s black eyebrows descend in a frown that hinted at an approaching eruption. “What…bet…was…that?” she asked.

“Just a little thing, my sweet. He wanted to bet against me about which one of us would do best in the Rare Magical Plants competition, and he was very gracious too and offered me ten thousand to be collected upon winning…”

“Did he now? And just what did you offer him?”

Edwin had jumped off his chair by now and was slowly backing away from the table. It really wasn’t a good idea to be very close to Mother when she spoke in that tone of voice. Things tended to blow up. He winced as he saw his father cheerfully carry on, oblivious of approaching doom.

“Just a tiny thing, really…I’m sure Master Dekaras won’t mind…”

“Mind what, Master?” The assassin stepped out of the shadows around one of the tall windows, almost as if the mere mention of his name had caused him to materialize inside the room.

“Well, he was very admiring of your capabilities, you know. So I bet him…well, you know how your contract stipulates that you are in the employ of this family and available for work where directed? He pointed it out to me, and he was so very persuasive…and I’m going to win anyway, no problem, so there really is nothing to worry about, nothing to worry about at all…”

“Do go on, Master,” Dekaras said, and by now Edwin half expected to see shards of ice dropping from his lips. “You know I so like to keep informed about matters regarding myself. And call me paranoid if you will, but this is something regarding me, is it not?”

“I suppose you could say that…not that it will ever happen, don’t worry, but I did bet him your services for half a year…he said it was completely legal…and like I said, there is no risk of it ever happening because with me taking care of her and chatting with her Elvira 2 will win me the competition without a doubt, so don’t worry…”

“Well now,” the assassin said, in an almost conversational tone of voice. He approached the table and bent down towards his employer. “How kind of you to consider my feelings on the subject, Master. Not to mention rating me so highly…ten thousand gold for being sold into indentured slavery…my, that is flattering. Why, that is almost as much as you would have to pay for a really fine racehorse. And now, if you will excuse me, I must see about buying myself a collar and chain in order to get properly used to them. Enjoy your meal.” With that parting remark, he stalked out of the room, not looking back, and closed the door very carefully behind him.

“I think he did worry after all,” Galen said with a little nervous smile that did nothing to mollify his wife’s temper.

“You,” she snarled, “had better practice your gardening very hard, husband. Because if you lose this bet, I will turn you into manure.”

Edwin had been listening with horror to the exchange, and now he leapt off his chair, almost falling. “You can’t do this!” he screamed at his father. “It’s…it’s not fair! I…I…I won’t let you see me eat through the hole in my teeth!” He kicked the chair hard enough to make it fall to the floor with a loud bang, and then raced out the door, his eyes already filling with angry tears. He knew for certain that you weren’t supposed to hate your own father, and that made him feel guilty on top of everything else. He just had to get away, or he knew he would burst. So he ran, more or less blindly, into the twilight of the garden. His eyes were burning and tear-filled, and he had very little idea where he was going. It’s not right. It’s not. There and then he decided that if his teacher had to go away, then he’d go too. I’ll run away, and I’ll never come back. Never ever. He wiped angrily at his eyes, and then looked up. The entrance to the maze lay before him. Edwin watched it for a moment. Then his eyes narrowed in thought, and after a few moments he headed into the labyrinth, a cunning plan spinning through his head.

It took him some time to reach the center of the maze, but eventually he made it there. For a brief fleeting moment he entertained the thought of splashing about in the shallow pond, but then he spotted the plant. Elvira 2 was extremely ugly, Edwin thought. Fat and bloated, and the way it moved was spooky. There was no wind, but the flower still swayed gently from side to side, and as he approached it the plant turned towards him. It almost seemed to be watching him, except that was silly since it had no eyes. “I hate you,” Edwin whispered, glaring at the plant. He was very tempted to tear the thing up with the roots, killing it, except that would make his father lose the bet, and that would be disastrous. “I’ll show you…you’ll see!” He took a deep breath, and then spat at the plant, aiming through the hole in his teeth in a highly satisfactory manner. The little wet noise as the spittle hit Elvira 2 was a small balm to his soul. “Ha!” the boy said. “Fear me, you ugly old carrot! Just you wait, as soon as the competition is over I’ll toss you on the garbage heap!”

There was a sudden hiss, and the plant moved. Edwin’s eyes widened with surprise as he saw the petals unfolding. There was a smaller row of petals within them, small and white. Also very sharp. And there was something moving in the center, like an extending tongue. Suddenly alarmed, he took a hasty step backwards, and tripped over his own feet. The plant hissed again, and it was growing, the stem extending towards him at a frightening pace. Then the tongue-thing wrapped itself around his ankle, pulling hard, and the white petals grazed his leg, bringing a searing pain. Frantically he tried to free himself, but to no use, and his foot was being pulled steadily towards the dark maw of the flower.

Something blurred through the air, and Elvira 2 hissed again, but this time with pain rather than hunger. The plant was knocked aside by a powerful kick, and the stem withdrew into its normal position while the petals curled protectively inwards. Edwin just had time to glimpse a few dark stains on the retracting tongue before it disappeared into its previous hiding place. Then he clutched his leg, trying hard not to cry.

“I thought I saw you come in here,” Dekaras said as he knelt by the child, hastily examining the extent of the damage. “And a fortunate thing it was that I did. That weed could easily have taken your leg off, or worse. At least it doesn’t look too deep. Can you stand?”

Edwin tried, then nodded, not trusting himself to speak yet.

“Good,” the assassin said. “I think I’d better dose you up with some antidotes though, just in case that thing was poisonous.” He gave Elvira 2 a hostile look. “A shame I have to leave it alone. But it cannot be helped.”

“Teacher Dekaras?” Edwin said, once he finally found his voice.

“Yes, boy?”

“What father said…you’ll be all right, won’t you?”

His teacher was silent for a few seconds, his face hidden by the rapidly deepening shadows. “Certainly I will,” he said. “Don’t trouble yourself over it.”

“All right,” Edwin promised, but in his heart of hearts he knew he was lying. But I do worry. I’m sorry…but I can’t stop. Then however, he thought of something infinitely more pleasant, and his face lit up. “Teacher Dekaras? Did you see me spit through the hole in my teeth?”

The assassin shook his head gravely. “I fear not,” he said. “I was a little preoccupied with trying to keep you from being eaten.”

“Oh. Want me to show you then? I’m sure I could do it again. And if I could lose another tooth then maybe I could fire two spitballs at once! And the tooth fairy would bring me more money too…say, d’you think those petal things would count as teeth?”

“Possibly,” Dekaras said, firmly grasping his hand. “And no, don’t even think of trying to extract them unless you plan to grow up to become known as Edwin ‘Stumps’ Odesseiron. Ten fingers may seem excessive to you, but trust me when I say that you would miss even a single one. Come now, I want to see to those antidotes…”

Edwin obediently followed, and shortly the center of the maze was still and silent once more. In the darkness, leaves spouted and roots strengthened. Elvira 2 was growing.