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[Laufey]

Let Loose The Fiends Of War!



 
"Are you *sure* this is how you hunt paladins?", Fish asked a few hours later. The piscine-like demon was scratching his head with one finned hand, and his eyes were bulging even more than usual from sheer puzzlement.

"Look," Baby said, waving his still smoking cigar about, "it says so, right here in the book. And the Master gave us the book, he ought to know."

"Perhaps," Hoarsz said, sounding hesitant. "But the Master is...well, sometimes I think the Master lives in his own little world, that's all."

Baby blinked. "What, like one of those with flying horses and candy trees? I slaughtered all of the inhabitants of one of those once, it was great fun. My Diapers of Doom laid total waste to them..."

"Never mind. Just keep on reading."

"Right," Baby said, sticking the cigar behind one rosy ear, and puffing his pudgy cheeks up. "The Great Tome of Paladin Hunting. Chapter 326. Subsection 2D. Hostages." He cleared his throat. "It says here: 'The Paladin is a creature known for his purity, kindness, goodness, compassion and general benevolence. It follows that for the Collector eager to acquire a prize specimen, it is a good idea to try to use those traits against him. For example, the paladin is always eager to do good deeds, enough so that he may be enticed into a wily trap.'"

He held the book up so that Hoarsz and Fish could see the picture next to the paragraph. It portrayed a knight in shining armor blithely walking into a snare lying on the ground, in his eagerness to reach what appeared to be a damsel in distress being menaced by a dragon. The observant examiner could see that the 'damsel' was in fact a doll stuffed with hay, and that the 'dragon' was a smirking demon wearing shorts, sunglasses, a Hawaii shirt, binoculars and a portable dragon mask. A caption next to the picture read: 'Damsel In Distress Ploy. Inflatable Damsel may be ordered from our Head Office.'

"Hm, that might work," Hoarsz said, chewing on a claw. "Except we don't have a damsel."

"Don't look at me," Baby scoffed and stuck his tongue out in a complex demonic sign, the meaning of which is too hideous to translate. "I ain't dressing up as no damsel."

Fish cleared his throat, blushing a shy pink. "I wouldn't mind...I've always wanted to try one of those cone-shaped hat-things on. The ones with a veil attached to it."

Hoarsz and Baby stared at the scaly demon, the wide mouth, the protruding eyes and nonexistant nose. The tried to imagine a typical damsel-style cone-shaped hat on top of that eager, pleading face. It worked only too well.

"Eeeeewwww!" Baby cried. "You almost made me lose my lunch!"

"Let's make that 'Plan B', shall we?" Hoarsz suggested. "What else does the book say?"

Baby turned a page. "Lessee...oh, here's a good bit. 'If no damsel is available, you may want to turn your eager eyes to one of the paladin's loyal companions, in order to acquire a proper hostage. And what better hostage than the knight's Noble Steed? Kidnap the paladin's magical mount, Oh Gentle Reader, and he shall soon be walking willingly into captivity in order to set the faithful beast free.' Hey, that might work!"

"Yes..." Hoarz said, nodding. "The Master *did* mention that the paladin in question had a horse. It sounds like a good plan. After all, how difficult could it be to kidnap a dumb animal?"

Baby snickered. "We'll be back home before lunch. Just offer the stupid thing some carrots, and it'll follow us anywhere." He laughed a terrible, demonic chuckle, and the demon accountant joined in with a rumbling belly laugh.

Only Fish remained silent, looking confused and slightly disappointed. "Can I still get the pointy hat?" he asked.

---

Stables, stables, stables... Why does he always stick me into stables?! I'm a nightmare... I WANT TO STAY AT THE ABBATOIR, dammit...

And to make matters worse Serafina is sleeping... and rubbing against me with her furry nose. I should kick her away, but... well, it's... so... so... soothing and... DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, or I WILL KILL YOU!

Err, sorry about the shouting, but Gag found it necessary to feed me coffee-beans last week and I haven't slept for days...

So, I was standing there with a cloth blanket over my back, and then opens this shimmering hole in the air. Now, I wouldn't be much of a nightmare if I don't notice a portal when I see one! And seeing one I did! And, lo-and-behold out popped a baby!

Now, I was getting all worked up here. I hadn't eaten a baby for years! My incisors were positively itching with delight!

But then I noticed something strange... this baby was smoking. So unless the minimum age for tobacco-sale had been drastically lowered, this was a chaos demon.

Out popped two other demons, one an extremely ugly rotting bipedal fish, the other a Glabrezu dressed like Dilweed, that popular cynical comicbook hero that priests of chaotic gods love.

I was SOOOO excited! I was certain these evil demons would save me from this horrible paladin. Hmmm, I was already trying out my mental powers on the demons so they would maybe even kill Gag in his sleep, but that might be too much to hope for. *sigh*

But, alas, my hopes were to be shattered. The Glabrezu tried waving a carrot in my face, trying to coo with his snarling voice. "Horsie wanna carrot? Horsie wanna carrot?"

Such insults had anger soaring through my sulfar-coated veins! Without hesitation, I rammed two hooves in his groin. The Glabrezu fell shivering, and, immediately, the foul-smelling fish grabs me around the neck... only to be butted away by none other that Serafina! If I weren't an evil nightmare, I would probably, for just a little bit, have been proud of that little mule. In a final move, I kicked the mewing infant-like baby away.

"To the portal!" the baby-like demon shouted, and the three loafers jump into the shivering hole, afraid of a demonic force like ME! HAH!

"Who were those three?" Serefina asked me, but I did not answer. Instead, I look out the window to hear the snores of Gag in the adjoining inn from here. My supposedly stalwart 'friend and companion' has slept through the entire fight! Remind me to kill the bastard slowly and painfully!

---

This whole thing is actually getting rather interesting, to tell the truth. There I was, trotting along a busy city street with Gag on my back, and the lovely Serafina at my side. No! NO! Not lovely! Ludicrous! I meant *ludicrous*!

Ahem...anyway. There I was. Gag was chattering something about the 113 Holy Virtues, and Sanchez was snoring loudly in his saddle while Serafina kept giving me smouldering glances from beneath her long lashes. NO! I DID NOT ENJOY IT, AND IF YOU SAY I DID I'LL EAT YOUR HEART RAW!

Suddenly, a woman steps up from around a street corner. At least it *seemed* to be a woman. It was
wearing a skirt, and one of those ugly pointy hats with a veil that only a complete moron could like.The veil covered its face more or less completely, but the rancid stench that surrounded it couldn't be so easily concealed, unfortunately. A...thing in a suit and a hat had its arm draped protectively around the stinking woman's shoulder, and she was carrying a *very* familiar looking infant, with golden curls and a nasty-looking sneer on its face. No cigar this time though.

'Please, good sir!' the stinky woman cried out. 'Might our little Baby have a ride on the back of your pretty horsie? He *so* loves horsies!'

My furnace-red eyes stared into those of the abysmal infant as I tried to send it the message of 'Do It And Die.' The little creep didn't seem to get this, as it simply kept giggling and cooing, and all in all behaving like a very bad actor. Then, I tried to connect to Gag through our mental link. Once again, it felt like trying to run uphill through quicksand. Brain...brain...where *is* his brain? I *know* he has to have one, or he wouldn't be able to walk and talk. Finally, I found it.

'Listen to me, stupid!' I told him. 'That is *not* a baby. It's a demon, and for some strange reason it's trying to steal me. Now, normally I'd let it, but since it has mortally offended me by trying to feed me carrots, I figure you and I might as well work together. You hold it, I'll bite it in two, how's that?'

A dim smile slowly spread across Gag's handsome and honest face as the one word he comprehended slowly penetrated to what he calls his mind. 'Horsie want a carrot?' he said.

Before I had the time to react, he had rammed one of the vile things straight into my open mouth. Now, there is a *reason* why I don't eat carrots. Not just because I loathe the taste. No, it's because carrots are so vilely nutritious that they actually contain a small amount of distilled goodness, anathema to my kind. It's a well kept secret. Imagine the havoc paladins could cause if they knew the Power of the Carrot? They wouldn't need any Holy Avengers, all they'd need would be a Holy Carrot.

The demons had been wearing gloves the other night to protect themselves. My poor tongue wasn't so fortunate. It immediately swelled to twice its normal size, and what's worse, the carrot stuck in my throat, making me gasp and gurgle hideously as I tried to get air. Is it possible to die in a more undignified manner than being choked on a carrot wielded by a friendly paladin? I *don't* think so.

'HORSIE!' Gag screamed despairingly, pounding me violently on the back, but in vain. As I heard my chokes fade and felt my vision go black, I heard Seraphina's desperate whinnies, and felt a small amount of...dare I say it...regret, for not having taken the time to teach her to kick and bite properly. I'm sure she could learn.

But then, just as I was about to vainly try to draw my last Evil breath, Gag got his arms around me in just the right spot, and he *squeezed*. By Demogorgon's back teeth, that boy is *strong*! The carrot flew out of my mouth, hitting the 'baby' straight in the face. It immediately started wailing as the little chunk of nutritious goodness started dissolving its demonic skin, even more sensitive to such substances than mine. Screeching, the three demons fled, jumping into a portal that materialized in front of them.

I was barely aware of what was happening though. Not with Gag clutching my neck in a most embarrassing manner, tears streaming from his eyes. 'Oh, poor Horsie!' he said. 'I'm so sorry, I hope you'll forgive me.' Weakly, I tried to bite his nose off, and missed, only my still enlarged tongue managing to hit him between the eyes. 'Oh, thank you, Horsie!' he gushed. 'You are truly a noble steed, I'll do better by you in the future.' Then he looked around. 'A shame...I think we scared the poor little baby too.'

---

'Well, shoot me and call me a William Tell reject, but I swear I can't see Gag getting any dumber than he did yesterday. We were on our way to rescue some stupid damsel or whatnot... or kill a stupid damsel, since she was selling poisoned milk to schoolchildren or whatever. So we were walking across the rocky slope, Gag was yakking about honor, Serefina was being annoying, and Sanchez was talking the usual amount of bollocks about turnips, relatives and griffins while I was biting my lip to keep from killing them all... and then, out pops an obvious Glabrezu! Strangely enough, he was dressed in what looked like a pantry, as if he had raided a nearby kitchen.

"Hold, noble knight!" the Glabrezu snarled though his canine mouth. "I am Prelate GoodyGoodyGumDrops of the Order of Prancing Tight-Arses."

"Oh!" Gag was immediately ecstatic. "I've heard of the Order of Prancing Tight-Arses! You're the good folk who killed all those chaotic bards for whistling in public! Such a noble deed..."

"Errr, yes," the Glabrezu snarled. "I am on a quest of great urgency! I must deliver this pizza to a suffering trapped maiden before it gets cold. Therefore, noble knight, I must commandeer your horse immediately."

"Well," Gag spoke, "I could not give up my Horsie, but I cannot deny one such as noble as you!"

I was about to snarl and kick as he was turning over the reigns to the Glabrezu, until Sanchez suddenly spoke : 'Hey, yutz! They're trying to steal your horse! Uncle Roget did the same to aunty turnipwagon and they recently found the wagon at the bottom of the canal.'

"I... I don't want horsie to end up underneath a canal," Gag muttered. "Horses aren't burrowing creatures so he'd be stuck there!"

"Do not argue! Give me the horse!" the demon said. "You want to be good and pure, right? Not evil and foul..."

"Yo!" Sanchez shouted. "Doesn't that helmet look like a pan to you?!"

I could practically hear the gears grinding in Gag's brain as he mulled over this information. I would not be handed over to a Glabrezu with a taste for horse-meat! I'll eat his heart first...

"My, my, prelate," Gag said to the Glabrezu, "what big teeth you have..."

Then, something completely unexpected happen and my suprior mind could hardly fathom it : Serefina charged... and started kicking the Glabrezu. Apparently, the demon had trouble moving in his armor made from crockery and was driven back... till he fell off a cliff. And then, she gave a me look that DIDN't make me blush, I swear it... I quickly directed my gaze to Gag, who had a rather endearing 'Hey, where'd the nice prelate go'-look on his face.

---

Disaster has struck. Utter, devastating, humiliating disaster and calamity. But let me start at the beginning. After the latest attempt to horse-nap me, Sanchez, who is at least marginally smarter than Gag, thought it would be a good idea to keep guard at the stables at night. Even better, he thought it would be a good idea to set a trap above the door. A big bucket of whitewash, actually. Satisfied with that, the gnome curled up in Serafina's stall, and soon his snores were louder than the rumblings of a Glabrezu with stomach problems.

As for me, I got saddled with Gag. Well, not literally, but the fool settled down in my stall, determined to read me a story. And not any story either, it was a story he'd made up himself. Completely vile of course, all about paladins smiting things. It was called 'Sir Virtuous and the Holy Armorpolish'. I think that says it all. To make matters worse, he kept *patting* me and calling me 'nice Horsie'. I tried to bite his fingers off, but he was wearing his armored gloves again. The idiot still won't even *notice* how I really feel about him! It would be funny if it wasn't so frustrating. Yeah. Hilarious.

Anyway. At the stroke of midnight, predictably enough, the door creaked open. Don't ask me why those demons didn't just portal themselves into the middle of the room. Probably not as dramatic. Whatever the case, the door creaked open, there was a violent scream, and then the Glabrezu was running around with a bucket of whitewash on his head, shrieking like an infant. In case you didn't know, whitewashing *really* hurts a demon. Sanchez popped out of Serafina's stall, shouting 'I got one, I got one!' and started slinging turnips at the wailing demon with a giant slingshot.

Meanwhile, Gag had managed to get his sword out, and was striding manfully towards the Fish Demon. 'I am awfully sorry about this,' he said, 'but I cannot let you take my Horsie. He'd get all sad and lonely without me, and you wouldn't know how to braid his mane properly.'

Shit. I didn't mean to let on about the braids. Uh...forget I said that, why don't you? I only let him do it because Serafina says it looks dashing and...Shit. Um...forget that as well. Or I'll flame you. Yeah. That's what I'll do. Flame you.

So, Gag was brandishing his sword while the Fish waved some sort of giant fork at him, trident I think it's called. And for some extremely weird reason the Fish was wearing one of those pointy hats with a veil, like princesses do in books. It looked really grotesque and I could tell that even Gag was a little disturbed. It was actually so ugly that I had just decided to breathe a little flame and bake us some fish when disaster struck.

The baby demon had managed to creep into Serafina's stall after Sanchez had left it, and now the little fiend was pressing an enormous crossbow to the poor little donkey's head. 'Nobody move!' the Baby screamed, waving his fat cigar in the air. 'Or the donkey gets it! Let my associates go.'

Having gained some reprieve, and after the Glabrezy had freed himself of the bucket and wiped his spectacles off, the trio pushed the unfortunate Serafina into the yard, cackling evilly all the way. And it was here that I really blew it. For some unknown reason, the sight of that poor, innocent, and dare I say it, sweet little donkey being savaged by those bastards really got to me. The fact that she was screaming 'Horsie, help me!' didn't make things better. So, the moment they were out the door I kicked straight through the door to my stall, thundering after them with fire in my nostrils and
murder in my heart.

And they *would* have died, if I hadn't tripped over Gag's blasted barrel of armor polish and nearly broken my legs. While I was stumbling about, trying to regain my balance, I suddenly felt a terrible pain around my neck, an agony such as I have never felt before. The hair of a virgin, pure of heart, bathed in holy water. It dulls the senses of my kind, and the agony was so extreme that I couldn't help whinnying with pain. Only now did I notice that all three demons were wearing heavy gloves to protect themselves. Weakened as I was, they easily subdued me. The last things I could hear as they pushed me into the portal were Serafina sobbing, Gag shouting 'NOOOO!' and Sanchez saying 'Think maybe you might want a donkey for your new steed? My cousin Jan knows this dealer...'