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A Horse And His Knight, Chapter 3


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#1 Laufey

Posted 18 January 2003 - 03:00 PM

The House Of FiFi

So, we strolled into another abysmal little frontier-town... How many of this annoying little hovels are there, anyway. This one was called, tomb-crypt... A very original name, especially for a town founded by a *shudders* good lich. My teeth were grinding as we slipped through the horrid little sandy streets... Then, Gag spotted a brothel...

He went wild as he looked through the opened front door, and, while the girls inside were cooing for him to join them, he stormed inside.

Finally, I thought his paladine ways had ended by temptations of lust and pleasure... Unfortunately, this was not the case...

Instead the bloody fool runs right past the dozens of scantilly clad busty girls, and as I looked inside, he shouted to me 'Look, Horsie! A piano!!!'

And then I spent the next three hours listening to his renditions of 'Paladine secure', 'My darling virtue-fine', 'Cowboys and armor polish' and 'RawArmor'. I wished I was dead... I really did... and to make matters worse, Serafina started to hum along... as did some of the girls working there as well. I'm starting to wonder if he even knows what to do with a girl, aside from the 'holy wooing' he learned about in paladin-school.

Anyway, after that musical intermezzo, Serafina and I were put in the stable... in a single pen. Doesn't that brat know that evil Nightmares don't care much for having a donkey rub against their flanks. Although... she was quite soft and nice, but... argh, nevermind!

Then, by chance, I saw Gag standing in front on the little window, standing under the stable roof to keep his armor from rusting in the rain. Glancing past him, I noticed quite a thunderstorm was forming above our heads. Getting a very wicked idea, I nudged him with my nose and pushed the hapless fool into the storm...

And lighting did hit... It hit the place he was just standing BEFORE I pushed him away, AAAARRRGHHH.

'You have saved my life yet again, brave Horsie,' he smiled. 'You are truly a virtuous and noble steed!' And then he KISSED me between the eyes, not even noticing I was trying to chew his face off!

*sigh* Somewhere down in the Abyss, someone hates me direly...

---

MEANWHILE, DEEP IN THE ABYSS....

Deep in the bowels of the Terrible Fortress of FiFi, Overlord of Evil, two demons were reading a list. It was a very long list. It started at the top of the giant and imposing door to the Audience Chamber, went all the way to the bottom, and serpentined in great hoops across the floor. Still, the demons persevered. The first one was bright green, with a face like a dead fish left rotting for days, and the smell to match, as well as a curled up pig's tail and festering sores all over his body. "I'm applying for the position of Chief Cook!" he said. "How about you?"

Demon number two was in the shape of a crawling human infant, complete with pink pudgy cheeks, large blue eyes and tufts of golden hair. It was just the fangs and claws that marred the image a little. It was wearing cute, innocent white little diapers and pink little woolen socks. At least it *looked* like wool at first glance, until you saw that they were spun out of the fabric of human souls, still screaming with pain and terror. "Head of Security" it said in a piping voice.

"Really? But...you don't look like..."

"Oh yeah?" the baby snarled. "Just watch me! BY THE POWER OF POO-POO! I HAVE THE POOOOWEEEEERRRRR!"

A terrible, eye-watering stench spread in the room, causing the fish-demon to pass out for a few moments. "All right, all right," it said when it woke up. "I see your point. What's your name?"

"Babryuulägraaghklpmnty. But just call me Baby, that's shorter. What's yours?"

"Fisshygryrrllphtåfgtuh. Of the Great Depths, you know. Just call me Fish. I've done work as the Demon of School, Hospital and Office Cafeteria food. I'm the one who made sure that no fish served in those places gets any other name than 'fish', and that it all tastes like wet cardboard rather than the delicious food it can be when properly prepared. The Bosses were really pleased about that. So, know anything about this FiFi fellow?"

"Not much," Baby said, sucking his thumb. "He's been out of commission for quite some time. Stuck under Demogorgon's foot, they say." He grinned. "Say, do you know Beelzebub?"

"Sure. The Lord of the Flies."

"That's him. So do you know what FiFi is Lord of?"

"Errr...bats? Cockroaches? Toads? Yipping chihuahuas?"

"No, no, no and no. He's the Lord of the...*snicker* Sheep!"

"Sheep?"

"Sheep. He's really embarrassed by it too. I've heard the other Demon Lords tease him tremendously. Go 'Baaah' when he walks by. That sort of thing." Baby made a prettily innocent face. "Really, really mean."

"Yes," Fish said, snorting so that mucus spattered all over the List. "Really mean. So what about all this then?" He pointed a webbed hand at the List.

"Ah, he's really prissy about his Household Rules you know. Expects all his servants to know them by heart and obey them all. Really funny. Listen to this one: 'No servant must ever walk higher or taller than Lord FiFi. (This includes *you*, Mother!)'

"Well, many Demon Lords are like that."

"Sure. But most Demon Lords aren't so tiny that their servants need to crawl on the ground in order not to be taller than them! Still, I hear he's desperate for people, so he's likely to pay well. Let's get back to it then..."

"So, what's this rule then?" Fish asked while looking at the scroll which had been trust in his hands when he entered the fortress.

"Which one?" Baby asked as he unrolled his own scroll of rules. The scroll rolled down and sped down the hallway, coming completely unrolled twelve meters later. Baby squinted when he tried to ready the very, very tiny print.

"Rule 23, paragragh 7, sub-section 12," Fish said.

"Oh, here... Thou shalt not steal? What nonsense is that?!" Baby exclaimed.

"Hey, we're supposed to steal stuff from work! Demon lords expect us to do that. If I think of all the stuff I swiped when I was still working for Gra'azt... Gold, diamonds, succubi, wings, meat, souls, living paintings, one entire wing of his palace, Gra'azt rubber bath-ducky... Everything I owned I stole from work!" Fish shook his scaly head. "What is he thinking?! We're demons, not girl-scouts..."

"And what about this one," Baby said. "Rule 67, paragraph 6, sub-section 4, clause 5. You will wipe your feet before entering any room. ANY room?! Is that where all those mats were for? This is lunacy!"

"Yeah!" Fish shouted. "We love our dirty feet! It's the freedom to love our dirty feet which we earned by killing and maiming!"

"But what I don't get is Rule 1, paragraph 1, sub-section 1, clause 1 : Never, EVER touch the master's collection of paladins," Baby muttered.

"What?" Fish said. "It there even a rule before the one about his nasty Rod?"

"Apparently," Baby growled.

"Methinks this bloke has an unhealthy fascination with Paladins, don't you think?" Fish replied, crossing his scaly arms.

"Very much so," Baby replied. "He's got a carpet made from Full Plates, have you noticed? There's paladin memorabilia scattered all over the palace! I wouldn't mind if those were dented, clawed and crush like normal trophies, but these are all in mint-condition."

"And there's so many rules here," Fish spat, "that I feel like I'm working for a... errrggg, Baatezu here!"

The two demons looked at each for a moment.

"Great dental plan, though," Baby said. "And handy too, I'm about to start teething..."

Fish nodded, "I like the prospect of the free gym as well... I'm a bit out of shape."

---

Singing. Infernal, incessant singing. Yes, Gag still won't let go of that banjo. What does he think he is, a blasted bard? Even worse, now he's started serenading *me*! ME! His HORSE! 'Oh, you're my Bestest Friend!' he goes. 'Friends to the end, will never bend, you're my Bestest Friend.' So far there have been 47 verses and he shows no signs of letting up.

The fact that Serafina is tapdancing along with it does nothing for my mood. And then that...that DONKEY goes and tells me that I 'look cute when I'm all moody and brooding'. Cute? Is that a way to address a steed from the Far Reaches of Evil, I ask you? By rights I should devour her. Though she does have pretty eyes...

Our recent experiences caused Gag to become enamoured with crossbows, seeing as how many villains out here in the West seem to utilize them. Not content with one, he got himself a matched pair, with mother-of-pearl decorations, and he's wearing the bolts in a ridiculous crossed-belt contraption across his mailed chest, courtesy of Sanchez. He's not that good at actually hitting things yet. Or not the things he means to hit.

When we ran into another bandit yesterday Gag hit his hat, his crossbow, his belt (which caused a rather revolting display of elderly underpants when his trousers dropped), a bandit trying to ambush Gag from across the street, and finally the bell in the belltower of the nearby Temple of Tymora. That final bolt bounced back and struck the bandit in the throat, instantly slaying him.

'Oh Horsie!' Gag wailed. 'I only meant to fire a warning shot!'

'Never mind, Master!' said Sanchez. 'It was very impressive. Now, carve a notch into the handle to keep count...no, make that two notches.'

Then I saw my chance, and made certain to take a leap, hoping to throw the stupid paladin off my back and impale him on his own knife, an enchanted number that should be able to go through platemail. No such luck though. Gag flew through the air all right - but with the knife in front of him, and it went straight through the heart of yet another bandit who'd been creeping up on us from behind a passing (and very fat) School Marm.

'My Hero!' the stupid woman bleated.

'Don't thank me, ma'am!' Gawain said brightly. 'Thank my brave Horsie, a true servant of Justice and Righteousness if ever there was one.'

I wanted to die from embarrassment.

So, now Gag is keeping the crossbows, hoping to get them blessed at a convenient moment. Hm, perhaps I could somehow contrive to get them cursed instead...

AAARRRGHHH! Here he goes again...verse 48. I *so* want to die...

---

MEANWHILE, DEEP IN THE SCENIC UNDERBOWELS OF THE ABYSS...

Hoarsz McSnap, Glabrezu and proud to be one, entered the throneroom
of FiFi, Overlord of Evil. Hoarsz was an atypical Glabrezu, unlike his brethern, who normally don't wear any clothes except for a loincloth, he wore an accountant's outfit : A pair of black pants, a striped shirt, a tie and a pair of glasses delicately balanced on top of his muzzle. He had to go through a lot of trouble to buy his shirts, since they had to allow for a second set of large, clawlike pincers protuding from his back.

Hoarsz had studied hard all his life. In fact, when all his mates went to rip apart petitioners on the upper planes, or headed to the prime to visit Drow orgies, he stayed at home to study. And right now, he was working free-lance for FiFi. But he could not complain, since FiFi overpaid.

A gigantic throne of skulls and bones loomed before Hoarsz, reaching up to the very roof of the plane. Sighing, he stepped on a wooden elevator and signaled the imps to crank him up.

While he was being hoisted to the top of the throne, he took out and read his paper... reread his paper... filled out the crossword puzzle... folded paper aeroplanes from the pages and finally folded up his newspaper as he reached the top of the throne, where FiFi was sitting, wearing a scowl.

"I want my missing paladin back!" he screeched.

"We have gone over this before, sir," Hoarsz said with barely contained patience. Seeing Fifi was so small, he was at eye-height when only his head reached the top of the throne. "That paladin escaped millenia ago, he's long dead..."

"BUT HE WAS MY COLLECTOR'S ITEM!"

"Sir," Hoarsz snarled. "My sources say the paladin escaped for the prime and has since then... bred. The Pious family has gathered quite a name for themselves as destroyers of evil and having surprisingly little IQ's..."

"In that case!" FiFi snarled. "I want the youngest of the family..."

"No can do, sir," Hoarsz said. "The youngest child is a girl name Petronella Pious... an evil sorceress of some repute."

"Evil sorceress?!" he sighed. "You can't trust anyone these days."

"The next in line is one Gawain Pious, a young paladin initate and an easy target to reach."

"SEND MY DEMON ENFORCERS TO CAPTURE HIM!" FiFi said while swinging around his mighty rod. "We shall complete my collection again and....AAAAAAHHHHH!" FiFi shouted when he stepped a little too close the edge and plummeted down the sloped throne, ramming his head against a outcropping collection of bones every second.

"I should have taken that job at the gas-station," Hoarsz sighed.

---

This whole Paladin-as-Master thing is getting weirder and weirder if you ask me. This morning we were riding along across the plains, Gag chattering about the 'beautiful morning, the pretty view and the Rosy Fingers of Dawn'. I know where he can put his rosy fingers, and it's not a pretty place. I *hate* mornings. What's wrong with traveling at night, I ask you?

But anyway, there we were trotting away, when all of a sudden a mystical portal forms in the air in front of us. Now, being a half-Nightmare I *know* about mystical portals. This one was very swirly, and a bright red (which, as everybody knows, is an Evil color.) It seemed very promising.

Out of the portal steps a demon. Well, at least I have to assume it was a demon, what with the Evil Aura hanging about it like a stinking cloud. Or possibly that was its cologne, which could be smelt from miles away and made even *my* lovely red eyes water.

The creature had a potbelly, large and flapping ears, and an extremely smug expression on its wrinkled little face. It was about tall enough to reach Gawain's knees, if it stood on tip-toe.

'YES!' the tiny demon screeched in a voice like that of a talking gnat. 'I have found him at last! FIFI TRIUMPHS ONCE AGAIN!'

'Hello, little boy!' Gag said in a kindly voice, getting off my back so he could pat the demon on its head. 'Are you lost out here on your own? I will help you find your Mummy and Daddy, don't you worry.'

The demon turned a bright scarlet at this, and steam started streaming out of his ears. 'HOW DARE YOU INSULT FIFI, OVERLORD OF EVIL? I will have my two companions, both of them fierce and muscular demonic bodyguards subdue you, and then I will take you to my Fortress of Despair, and then I will sedate you and put you in a nice Collector's Box so you will be kept in mint condition and...'

I, Serafina, Sanchez and Gag all looked about. There was no sign of demonic bodyguards anywhere. 'Er...' Sanchez said. 'Haven't you forgotten something?'

FiFi turned around, noticing the distinct lack of large demons anywhere around. 'Curses!' he snarled. 'I knew I'd forgotten something after they made me stop on the 26th Layer of the Abyss so they could use the bathroom. Honestly, you'd think a pair of grown demons would remember to go before we left! And they kept going 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' Well, I can take you on my own! I'll just use my Revolting Rod and...'

'Now, now' Gawain said, wagging his finger at the tiny demon. 'Only naughty little boys make up stories like that. And we don't want to be a naughty little boy, don't we? However, a *good* little boy might actually become a paladin one day. Wouldn't that be nice?' He beamed with his entire face, something that caused the steam streaming from FiFi' floppy ears to increase even further.

'I TOLD YOU I AM FIFI, OVERLORD OF EVIIIIIL!' he screeched. 'I will not be mocked! I will curse you, and torment you, and be your personal nemesis till the end of days, even recite my poetry to you, that even made DEMOGORGON wince! SO THERE!'

With that he stamped his foot into the ground, and then screamed as a crack opened beneath him, from which stunning heat and the smell of sulphur emerged. The tiny scream dwindled away far below us, but before the crack closed we could hear his parting words. 'You haven't seen the last of *me*, Gawain Pious! You will be my Collector's Item yet! I *will* see my Paladin Collection perfected...'

Once the crack closed with a slam Gawain took off his helmet and scratched his head, his honest eyes filled with confusion. 'What a very strange little boy,' he said. 'I hope he didn't hurt himself.'

---

BACK IN THE BOWELS OF THE ABYSS

Hoarsz McSnap, Glabrezu accountant adjusted his tie as he was talking to the footstamping FiFi. "Okay, what went wrong?"

"He..." FiFi said, once again stamping his little foot, making the earth shake... Although the activated earth-quake machine behind him might have had something to do with that as well. "He... thought I was a little boy!"

"Hmmm," Hoarsz McSnap snickered mentally. "Really? I wonder why."

"Isn't it obvious?!" FiFi screamed. "He mocked me... ME! OVERLORD OF EVVVILLLLLLLLL!"

Wincing at the shrill sound of FiFi' voice, Hoarsz McSnap shook his head. Didn't he know how sensitive canine ears are? "Hmmm, maybe you should send some representatives to retrieve the specimen..." Hoarsz McSnap suggested, knowing that if nothing would be done, he'd never hear the end of it. "I suggest sending your strongest demons to do the deed."

"Hmmm..." FiFi thought. "Who did you have in mind."

"Your strongest and evillest of enforcers... Those two over there," Hoarsz said, pointing at two random demons in the distance, which happened to be Fish and Baby, currently cleaning one of the decorative Full Plates, spitting and rubbing till it shined.

"You two!" FiFi strolled over. "You! You must retrieve the paladin for meeeee.... Go to the prime and find him! Bring him back to me, so that my paladin collection shall be whole again!"

"But..." Fish spoke. "I'm just the cook..."

"Shut up, man!" Baby elbowed fish in the side. "Free trip to the prime... with pay!"

"Well," FiFi sighed. "That'll leave me here alone. Come on, Hoarsz. I'll allow you to listen to my wonderful poetry!"

"Errr, on second thought," Hoarsz McSnap said, "I'd better join them... To coordinate the mission, of course."

That said, the three demons were off...
 
Rogues do it from behind.




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