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[Laufey]

 
Right. Let's get one thing absolutely straight first, so you don't get confused, you uneducated dolts. This is a stable. A perfectly ordinary stable. You know, with bales of hay, saddles, bridles, stupid horses and a lot of smelly unmentionable stuff left behind by said stupid horses. To some poor, blind souls, it would perhaps appear that I *am* one of those stupid horses. Ha! They know sod all, that's all I have to say. Well, actually that's *not* all I have to say, but you get the picture.

I mean, most people with a brain larger than that of a shrunken pea would be able to see that I'm not a normal horse. I'm bigger for one thing. Shinier, sleeker, by far more intelligent-looking. There's the little detail of my coat being the sort of black that isn't so much a color as a state of being. And the glowing red eyes, let's not forget those. You'd think the red eyes would be a big enough clue for *anybody*. But not this guy. Ooooh no. Not even the fangs have tipped him off yet. *sigh* This is so unfair...he's left me *carrots*. CARROTS! I WANT FRESH MEAT, YOU MORON!

I'm not a full Nightmare you see. If I were, this couldn't have happened to me. I'm a half-breed, but that should still have been enough to grant me the pleasure of being the mighty and corrupt evil steed of some powerful Evil Overlord. Preferably one with spiky armor. That's real class, you know. And glowing eyes.

So when I felt a summoning spell tugging at me I didn't resist, figuring that my moment of glory had come at last. Ha! What I *didn't* know was that a powerful Wild Magic field had corrupted the spell in question. If I'd known, I'd have begged to become a plow-horse instead. Before I knew it I'd let the spell suck me in, and there I was, standing in this...this stable place, with this *guy* standing in front of me.

It was the shiny platemail that first tipped me off that something was wrong. Evil Overlords don't wear shiny platemail. They *may* have classically handsome features like this character had, but *not* with big blue eyes radiating sickening devotion, honesty and nobility and a *yuck* kind and open smile. Stunned as I was, it was only a moment's work for the jerk to kiss me on the nose and so seal the magical bond. I didn't even have the time to bite *his* nose off for molesting me like that.

'Great Tyr!' he cried. 'I thank thee, my Lord, for sending me such a fine and noble steed as my first Paladin Mount! I swear that I shall love and cherish him, and that we shall henceforth strike down Evil in thy name!'

It was then that I knew that it was going to be a very bad day. Or year. Or century.

---

'Oats?! OATS?! What am I gonna do with oats?! That's just as bad as carrots! What do you think these mighty incisors are for, mate?!' I tried to communicate through our so-called telepathic link a paladin has with his steed. But it was obvious he hadn't got anything but space between the ears because he slammed an oatbag on my muzzle and ripped the belt on the damn thing up so many notches, I could hardly breathe...

For a moment, things looked good, though. I managed to breathe a flame and incinerate the bag, and I was in a nice, warm cozy stable... and that was when I noticed HER. A nice mare, completely brown with a long reddish tail... and best of all, she was in HEAT!

Seeing it had been quite a while, I breathed a flame across the little horsey-door and strolled across to her pen and gave her some of my best lines. Impressed as she was with my fiery mane, she finally invited me to her berth.. and then, mister holy and mighty storms in, saying there is evil afoot! He took my reigns and dragged me away from my sweet mare (who I’m sure laughed at me because my human was so high-strung)... to rescue a kitten from a well! He interupted a perfectly good romp for THAT!

It was then that I decided it was time to kill him...

So, when he was glancing down the well, looking to track down the kitten, I quiety turned my hindquarters towards him, waited and kicked backwards... Unfortunately, he just moved away and my hooves slammed against the side of the well, knocking loose the bucket which immediately dropped down. But, as soon as my rider hauled up the bucket again... the kitten was in it, and that stupid human gave it back to the little girl it belonged to. Dammit, I wanted to EAT that kitten... and the little girl too!

But, get this : He actually patted me on the nose and said that I was... a good boy!

ARGH, I SO want to kill him!

---

MEANWHILE, DEEP IN THE 667TH LAYER (otherwise known as the Basement) OF THE ABYSS

A demon prince stood among the dark crags of lava-rock moving on a sea of acid, overlooking the Glabrezus playing beach volley-ball on a beach of black ashes surrounding an foul smoke-spewing volcano. Having just been freed from the Watcher's Keep after eons of imprisonment, Demogorgon, prince of demons, was looking forward to some free time. And... finally being loose from the chains so he could finally get rid of the gum that had been lodged under his monkey-paws for exactly the same time that his imprisonment had lasted.

"I.R. finally free!" Demogorgon chuckled. "I.R. back in my beloved Abyss. I.R. finally smells sulphur, charred flesh and burning flowers! And, best of all, there are NO Weezils here. I.R. is much smarter than Weezil!"

The hulking two-headed and tentacled baboon strolled to a particularly jagged piece of lava-rock and gently scraped his foot across it, sighing in relief as a grayish splat of flattened organic material dropped from under his foot and onto the floor.

A few moments later, the organic mass started to shiver, bubble, and finally took shape. All of a sudden, a tiny demonic man stood in its place, his rod, an item of no little power, thrust towards the heavens (a relative term in hell, of course). "I am FiFi!" the little man shouted. "OVERLORD OF EVVVIIILLLLL! FREE! Finally free to expunge my reign of terror upon..."

Suddenly, the little man screamed as he was launch into the air after receiving a sharp kick from Demogorgon. "Shut up!" the giant ape snarled. "You give I.R. headaches!"

"Help!" FiFi shouted as he splattered around in the acid. "Help, I can't swim!"

"You on your own," the giant ape grinned. "I.R. go get cocktail now!" he said, leaving the little demon to his fate.

---

It just keeps getting worse. This morning my so called owner came into the stables again and told me that I had to have a proper name. 'All noble Paladin steeds have names', the dimwit said, 'names fitting their character. So I must think mightily about it, and come up with something good.'

His idea of 'thinking' constituted of sitting absolutely still for six hours, not even moving when a fly landed on his eyeball. For a few happy moments I dared to hope that he'd snuffed it. But no such luck. 'I have it!' the twit exclaimed as he leapt to his feet. 'Since I have sworn to never tell a lie, I must of course name you for what you are. And what you are...is...a HORSE!'

Well *duh*! What did he expect? A poodle?

'And so', he went on, 'I shall name you...'Horsie'!'

Horsie! HORSIE! I mean, what kind of a name *is* that? It sounds like something a five-year old girl would call her fat little pony. I should have a name like 'Malice' or 'Blooddrinker' or...or...'Ravager' or something. Of course I immediately tried to rip his throat out, forgetting in my fury that he was wearing a steel gorget. My poor fangs still hurt... 'Oh, Horsie, you are so playful!' the idiot beamed. 'But I must introduce myself as well. My name is Sir Gawain Pious, and I'm the very newest member of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart.' Then he smiled shyly, making my hooves itch to make contact with his face. 'But *you* can call me Gaw if you want to, now that you are my noble steed and all. I always wanted somebody to call me Gaw. My brothers are very formal you see. My sister is nice though, she usually calls me 'Gag'. She's so playful, just like you are, Horsie.'

Why, oh why couldn't I have wound up with the sister instead? Sounds like an intelligent woman...

---

So, then I tried to take proper advantage of the paladin-steed empathic link to get rid of my oh-so-brainless and clueless rider. Despite the lack of bodymass between his ears, I still managed to get a little grip on his tiny mind. I tasted sweet flesh again after I worked his mind so much, he thought the piece of beef in his hand was actually a carrot. Oh, that was a sweet victory.

But I saw my chance when we passed through a narrow mountain-pass... and next to a 1000 foot deep gorge. So, I started my mental mojo 'Jump... jump... jump... jump...'. I bombarded his mind with this simple command, hoping his tiny brain would eventually catch on and take the hint.

"Horsie wanna jump?" the lame-brain finally uttered.

Well, that proved my point about him being a lame-brain.

Still, the fool inched close to the edge of the gorge and looked down. 'How deep do you think that is, Horsie?' the idiot said. 'Do you think I'll hurt myself if I fall down there?'

Seeing my chance, I grinned and once again directed my hind-quarters at the tin-clad buffoon. I raised my legs and kicked backwards... At that precise moment an Orc, who had been lying in ambush only moments ago, choose to attack the buffoon... and jumped right in front of my legs. The foolish Orc careened into the depth below and landed with a splat and a crunch...

And, worst of all, the buffoon THANKED me for saving his worthless life! Bah, I need a drink... And none of that sissy water either! 100% proof malt, thank you very much!

----

So, I suppose I'd better explain to you where exactly me and Sir Gawain Pious the Idiot are at the moment and what we're doing. We're on a 'quest'. See, normal people would say that they 'look for a
job' or 'plunder' or even 'adventure'. Not paladunces though. Apparently, the Holy Rules say that the paladin should treat every task, even the most mundane, as a 'quest'. And Gawain is all for following the Holy Rules.

'Horsie, I'm on a quest to get us some dinner!' 'Horsie, I need clean socks. I'd better quest for some.' 'Horsie, I think I ate too much. I have to go on a quest for a decent outhouse.' You get the picture. And right now we're on...a quest for a Quest. See, the Idiot is a very rookie paladork, so wet behind the ears he's practically dripping. Marching in formation and polishing his armor isn't enough to satisfy him either, he wants to go out in the world and do Good. *gag* So he got leave to go on a Quest, do heroic deeds, that sort of thing, dragging me with him *completely* against my will.

But I have a Plan. I spotted this cave when the sun was setting, and trotted over to it to attract my rider's attention. 'Good job Horsie!' the moron said, patting me on the neck. Pity he has those armored gloves or he'd be shaving himself with a pair of hooks from now on. 'We'll be safe from the snow and the storm in here', he went on.

Well, maybe so. But *I* had spotted the goblin and orc tracks in the snow, and taken care to erase them with my flaming hooves so my rider wouldn't see them. And now we're heading further into this lovely dark cave, and I can almost smell the goblins and orcs ahead, as my beautiful glowing red eyes scan the darkness for the first sign of movement. Once they've finished off Sir Gag I intend to have my share of the meat. I am *soooo* hungry...

---

MEANWHILE, DEEP IN THE ABYSS...

Ominous music is playing. There is no obvious source for it, it may come from the very air itself, but it is definitely ominous. The shrieks of pain interwoven with it may have something to do with that. And here, on the dark and blighted plains of this particularly dirty corner of the Abyss, beneath a sulphurous and steaming sky raining down pus and blood...here stands a Fortress. A very dark, threatening and impressive Fortress it is. It is very black. It has towers, a moat, gargoyles, spikes. It looms. Whoever lives here wanted to make it clear that he is *not* a nice person.

Unfortunately, when viewed from above the Fortress looks rather like a fluffy black sheep. Also, there is a welcome mat in front of the ominous black metal door, a very large welcome mat that reads 'Wipe Your Feet, Tentacles or Other Appendages. Thank You.'

Right now the owner of the Fortress, the moat and the welcome mat is striding through his empty halls, his footsteps rumbling like thunder. Assuming it's a very small thunderstorm of course. His black cloak trails in the dust, and across the pizza cartons and beer cans left behind by the gang of partying demons who have used his house in his long absence, *quite* without permission. Snarling, he points a clawed finger at the trash which promptly fails to incinerate. Muttering angrily to himself the owner of the Fortress walks on, wading through the garbage. Climbing over the beer cans is especially annoying.

And now the Owner walks onto the balcony of the highest tower of the fortress, his cloak flapping almost as much in the hot abysmal winds as do his great floppy ears. "MUAHAHAHA!" he cries out in a voice reminiscent of a squeaking mouse. There is a pause. Then there is the scraping sound of wood against rock, and now the little demonlord is finally able to look over the railing, standing on his Ladder of Dominion. 'MUAHAHAHAHA!' he squeaks again. 'FIFI IS BACK! THE OVERLORD OF EEEEEEVIIIIILLLL! LET MY ENEMIES DESPAIR! FROM NOW ON THEY WILL PAY. THEY WILL ALL PAYYYYYAAAARRRGHHH!'

Plop. There is a brief silence. 'My poor bottom,' the tiny demonlord mutters as he gets to his feet again, rubbing the smarting bodypart. 'Stupid, stupid wobbly ladder...'