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#1 Laufey

Posted 26 March 2004 - 03:42 PM

Villain Academy – Special Project

Monday morning. Just think of the words. You can almost taste them, can’t you? Monday mornings are sort of like licking an old and very unwashed sock. You can survive it if you have to, but you won’t enjoy it much. I file into the lecture hall along with the others, walking in a kind of trance. I’m never really at my best early in the morning. Sis has to nudge me a few times, to make sure I don’t fall down the stairs, or step in one of the spike traps that some humorous soul has left behind. Probably Nixor the Merciless, the dullest boy in our class. Nixor the Humorless he should really be called, I think.

Anyway, I reach my desk and promptly fall asleep while waiting for the lecture to start. It isn’t difficult to do so, it’s pitch black outside the windows, except of course for the streams of lava running down them now and then. Isn’t it typical that the weather is always crappy on Monday morning? And yes, I know it’s very stylish and terrifying to have the Academy inside a volcano, but couldn’t they have settled for an extinguished one? I’m not allowed to rest in peace, of course. An eager voice whispers into my ear, and somebody is pinching me. “Cru! Hey, Cru! Wake up!” It’s Tish. Of course. Groaning painfully, I force my eyes open, to give my twin my best Evil Glare. Annoyingly enough, she just grins at me.

“What?” I mutter. Then I do a double take. For the first time this morning, I notice what my twin is wearing. It’s…pink. Bright pink skirt, pink shirt, neon pink cloak and boots, even a shockingly pink hair ribbon tying her blond hair back. I feel my jaw dropping towards the floor. I know my sister enjoys the Norm style, but I’ve never seen her go this far before. “Morticia Asteroth! What are you wearing?”

“Oh, don’t be a bore, Cruella,” she says, winking at me. “I think it’s fun.”

“Yeah? Well, it’s your hide. Just don’t let Mother catch you. You know what she’s like.” Tish blances a little at this thought, nervously licking her lips. Clearly, the thought hadn’t occurred to her, clever as she is. And Tish is clever, more so than I. She takes both Evil Mathematics with Professor Moriarty and Evil Advanced Physics with Professor Luthor. Me, I went for the soft course…Evil Insanity Made Fun, with Professor Joker. Lots of fun and game that class, even if the mortality rate is high. I yawn again, pulling my fingers through my own hair, spiky black with white streaks. I need to file my nails again, I see. No way could I manage to claw somebody’s eyes out with these short little stumps. At least the black color is still holding. There seems to be some blood stuck beneath them though.

“So, did you finish the project for today?” Tish asks.

“Sure.” I pet the closed cardboard box sitting next to me, smiling. “Got it right here.”

“Think you’re going to impress the Professor?” my annoying sister says, smiling sweetly, so that her fangs show clearly. “Think he’s going to sweep you up and hold you tightly and cover your face with hot and passionate kisses?”

“Don’t be stupid!” I retort, shushing her. I pray to every entity that might hear that nobody else will hear. “You know he’s not like that. He’s refined…and cool…and very dignified.”

“But you wish he’d do it, don’t you?” Tish says, although fortunately quietly this time. As much as we tease each other, she’d never really want to hurt me. I think. “Ooooh Professor...can we practice magic together?” she trills, twirling her long blonde hair around her fingers. “Can I melt the ice around your heart, Professor Ir…”

BANG!

The door slams open, thrown clear off its hinges. Every single student gulps, and hunches down a little deeper on his or her bench. The Professor is normally very calm. If he is mad enough at somebody to act like that, then it’s going to be a bad lesson. Then he strides into the lecture hall, and I can’t help staring, like I always do. He is so hot…and he doesn’t even seem to know it, which makes it all the better. The leather mask he always wears hides the face beneath, but the mask itself is very finely crafted, in the likeness of a highly arrogant elven visage. From behind it, a pair of blue eyes, cold as a midwinter night, sweep across the students, taking everything in, but revealing nothing. He’s conservatively dressed of course, like all the Professors. Just a plain outfit of leather straps, criss-crossing a muscular and very attractive torso. There are quite a few gold buckles on it too. “Silence,” he says, his calm and modulated voice making little shivers run down my back. There is no need for him to say it, of course. Only an idiot would provoke Professor Irenicus. An idiot or a madman. He doesn’t teach Torture Class for nothing, you know.

Mind you, I hear that’s not the class he really wants to teach, even if he’s good at it. Supposedly, he’s doing this really esoteric research into mortal souls, that’s far too advanced for most of us, and the torture business is just a means to an end. He really wants to teach Magic And Mayhem, but Professor Saruman’s got that one bagged since way back, and is the Headmaster’s favorite. He’s not likely to get cut out of the job for anything. Then again, Professor Saruman is really old, and faculty politics can be vicious, so it’s said. Especially in Villain Academy.

“I know what he’s mad about,” Tish whispers to me, her lips almost touching my ears. “Damien told me.” I roll my eyes at this mention of my sister’s latest crush. Sure, Damien’s got these pretty nifty glowing eyes, if you go for such things, but that tattoo on his scalp is a bit much, I think. What’s ‘666’ supposed to mean, anyway? “Big argument with Professor Anchev again, they were shouting at each other in the corridor about who was the better Evil Overlord. Professor Irenicus kept mentioning kobolds being sad excuses for henchmen, and Professor Anchev said that if we’re talking sadness, making clones of your ex-girlfriend is unbeatable.”

“I happen to think it’s romantic!” I shoot back. “So how did it all end?”

“Headmaster Sauron passed by and gave them both a Look. You know what it’s like when the Flaming Eye turns towards you, that will quiet anybody down. Both were muttering when they left though.”

At this point, the Professor clears his throat. “I cannot help noticing that some of you are absent,” he says, his voice cold and emotionless as ever. “Explanations are expected.”

Damien gets to his feet, smiling that smug little smile he always smiles whenever somebody else is in trouble. Jerk. Just because his Dad is some big-shot devil back at whatever dirtball passes for his home world he thinks he’s so much better than the rest of us. “Bring in the dead!” he calls out. “Bring in…the dead!” The door opens again, and three carts roll in, pulled by goblins. “The first one is Samara,” Damien says, pointing at the cart. I can’t help looking at the blue-skinned corpse of my classmate. Her eyes are really popping out of her skull. “She told Professor Vader that she already knew all there was to know about asphyxiation. He then proceeded to show that she was mistaken.”

“Appropriate,” the Professor dryly remarks. “And the next?”

“The second is Regan. Professor Bodhi used her in Gym class, to demonstrate how far around somebody’s head can twist before it breaks. I think perhaps…”

“My sister got a little over-excited it seems,” the Professor says, sounding very disapproving. “I shall have a word with her later. And the last?” He points at the final cart, upon which lies a small and very sad-looking pile of dust.

“Ah,” Damien says, really smirking by now. “That would be the unfortunate Carmilla. I fear she made a humorous remark about Professor Melissan’s headdress, whereupon Professor Melissan continued the ‘Dark Deities’ lesson with demonstrating to all of us just how susceptible a vampire really is to a Sunbeam spell.”

“I see,” the Professor replies, sounding vaguely bored. “We will send the Resurrection squad to deal with them, and I will need three of you to take homework along to them until they are once more fit to continue their studies.” Then his voice turns just a little colder than before, reaching subzero temperatures. “However, I notice there is one more absent student, one not yet accounted for. Is that not so…young Scott?”

At this, every single head turns towards the door, where poor Scotty is trying to sneak in unnoticed. As usual, he has failed, and the sulky look on his face shows that he won’t bear it gracefully. “I was only…” he starts, but the Professor isn’t about to stand for any interruptions.

“You were only late, again,” he says, and Scotty shivers as Professor Irenicus stands up, watching him with those cold blue eyes. “Also, it seems there is something you have forgotten, namely the fact that this is an institution of higher learning, and as such there is a certain dress code for staff and students alike. Clothing befitting the Archvillains of tomorrow.” He points at the class, and at our assorted approved feathers, spikes, black cloaks, thigh-length boots, deep cleavages and horned helmets. Fortunately he makes not mention of Tish’s pink outfit, possibly because she’s hiding behind her Miniature Iron Maiden, the class project she’s been working on. “Your classmates all seem able to comprehend that simple fact. And you, Mr Evil…you are wearing…what is it that you are wearing?”

Scotty gulps heavily. “Er…jeans and a sweater,” he says. “But see, it was only because I was late and…please don’t tell my Dad, Professor! He’ll go nuts! And he’ll do that gross thing with his pinky again! I can’t stand that!”

“Jeans…” Professor Irenicus says, sounding as if he is tasting the word, and finding it very lacking indeed. “Jeans. In my classroom. Attempting to play the rebel, are we? To defy your elders? To adopt the so called ‘Normal Look’? No, Mr Evil, I will not inform your father – this time. However, you will stay after hours with me, to serve detention.” The lips of his mask quirk just a little bit upwards. “I have been looking for new research subjects for some time now. You will have the pleasure of aiding me.”

Scotty looks pretty green at hearing this, but he just quietly takes his seat. I reflect that this is probably a wise choice. I also experience a brief daydream about a whole other kind of detention with the Professor…maybe I could somehow do just enough mischief to have him make me stay behind, but without the torture? Those lovely blue eyes…I know it’s not a traditional Villain color, but on him it looks perfect. And those skilled hands, weaving complex spells beyond my imagination…and that voice…that beautiful, beautiful voice…

“Cruella Asteroth. Stand up.”

I shoot to my feet at once, feeling as if somebody has just poured a bucket of ice water all over me. “P-p-p-p-Professor Irenicus?”

He’s watching me, watching me with that inscrutable expression on his face, or mask I should say, that makes me tremble like a leaf in full storm. “You will demonstrate your project now. You have finished it, I hope?”

I nod, wildly. “Yes, Professor. Of course.” I hold up the cardboard box I’ve brought along to today’s lesson. Then I plug the earplugs into my ears, and open it. “OK, little guy…do your stuff.” What comes out of the box is pink, round and fluffy. It has glowing pink eyes, a pink and heart-shaped little nose, a heart-shaped belly-button in the middle of the fluffy white belly, and a pink bow around its chubby neck. “Professor, this is Cutie the Cuddly Chipmunk,” I proudly say. “I estimate that he will be a bit hit on the toy market this upcoming winter season, with the proper marketing, netting me a nice fortune. But that is only a side-effect. Cutie…sing!”

And Cutie sings. He waddles around on the floor, wagging his round and fluffy bottom back and forth, his pink eyes twinkling in hypnotizing patterns, and he sings, in a squeaky, cutesy and incredibly annoying little voice, specifically designed to make both good and evil creatures long to shed blood and spread utter destruction.

I’m Cutie the Cuddly Chipmunk,
Cute as they can be!
I’m Cutie the Cuddly Chipmunk,
And you will love me!

I’m your cute and cuddly friend,
To my song there is no end!
If you should begin to snore,
I will sing my song once more!

I’m Cutie the Cuddly Chipmunk…


This goes on, for another twenty verses, after which I stuff Cutie back inside his box and ram the lid back on. I take a hurried look around the classroom. Every single one of the students, including Tish, is slumped over his or her desk, a vacant look in their eyes, drooling quietly. Only Professor Irenicus remains standing, watching me calmly. “See Professor,” I hurriedly explain, “I thought it would be good for stunning people in order to implement Evil Plans, and at the same time useful for Evil Torture…I think any sane person would do anything to shut Cutie up!”

“Remarkable,” the Professor says, lifting Damien’s limp arm and then letting it drop. “Most remarkable. You seem to have completely shut their higher cognitive functions down.”

“Er…sorry…they’ll wake up in an hour or so, at least that’s what happened with the heroes I tested it on…”

“Sorry? Sorry! My dear girl, do you not realize what you have done? It is a breakthrough I tell you, a very promising breakthrough. Just a few tiny modifications, and I am certain that my Soul Removal machine will function just as planned.” He picks Cutie out of the box, and rubs the chipmunk behind one pink and fuzzy ear. I blink. Is he actually smiling? “Yes, you my little creature will be just the thing I need…just the thing necessary to fully part a person’s soul from their body.” Then he turns to me, and now he is definitely smiling. “Full marks, Cruella…and in case you should be interested in earning some extra credit, there is a post open as my research assistant. What do you say?”

My grin is wide enough to almost split my face. Maybe Mondays aren’t all that bad after all.
Rogues do it from behind.




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