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The Angst and The Analyst XII (Part I)


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#1 Guest_MorningGlory_*

Posted 18 March 2004 - 06:04 AM

THE ANGST AND THE ANALYST

From the Journals and Papers of Dr. MorningGlory Gaeston

(Rated PG-13: Adult themes, mild language, mild violence, brief nudity)

Chapter XII – Part I

“I want to start by asking you to think about how you feel about yourself now, Anomen… How you see yourself and your life in general…. as, say, compared to when you first entered my office a few months ago,” I said to him and watched him intently as he reacted to my question.

“Ah,” he took a deep breath, nodded, and leaned back. He was giving it long serious thought. “How I feel… well, it’s like looking back on someone else. I don’t believe that I am that same person that came here in the beginning. Oh, yes, I’m the same physical being, but not the same person inside.” He lightly pursed his lips and gave me a somewhat perplexing look as he thought back.

“Then, let me ask you this,” I interjected. “Can you remember that someone who first came here to see me?”

“Him?” The response of himself in the third person generated a momentary thin smile on his lips, but it wasn’t a warm smile. “He was unhappy, dejected, angry, depressed…...” His words were deliberate as his voice trailed off and I sensed he felt pained as he consciously recalled his state of mind at that time. The bitter smile faded.

“I…I felt hopeless then. I felt that I was doomed to a terrible curse not of my own making and that fate had cruelly twisted my life from the very beginning. I…I felt worthless and that it was only a matter of time before I would be compelled to end it all and rid the world of my dark presence.” With his abrupt confession, shame clouded his face and he hung his head.

Early on in our sessions, I surmised he had probably entertained thoughts of suicide and probably more than once, at different times. I wanted him to open up and tell me exactly so I would know how far away from the edge he really had come.

“Did you ever contemplate taking your own life?” I asked him gently.

An almost imperceivable shudder quickly crept through him at my question. He nodded slowly, then sighed. “There were many sleepless nights after I failed my Test that I lay staring at the stars and I asked myself, ‘For what? What possible worth am I now?’ And this black voice deep inside me would whisper to me and taunt me, ‘For nothing, silly boy…. You’re not worth the simple breath you take.’” He stopped for a moment. “It…it always sounded like Lord Cor’s voice in my mind, ridiculing me, reminding me, and reinforcing my own self-loathing. I couldn’t fight it anymore.”

“Did you ever actually attempt to follow through?” I asked gently.

“No,” he again lowered his head and moved it slowly side to side. “But once I was close….. very close.”

“Can you tell me about it?” I continued my soft, gentle tone.

He released a long sigh and nodded before he slowly and deliberately began to elaborate. “We were traveling from Umar Hills to an area south of Trademeet. We ran into bandits along the way and after fighting our way through them decided to try to make our destination before it grew too late in the evening. As it was, we arrived after nightfall and everyone in our party was near exhaustion. We were all tired and filled with aches, bruises, and minor wounds from the skirmish that we hadn’t bothered to heal, saving our ration of potions and spells in case we were confronted with something more serious along the way. I… I was bone tired, and I…I must confess that a very dark mood had overcome me as we traveled those last few miles in the shadowy twilight. As the shadows grew, so did the depth of my depression.

“The moon was not quite full and was just beginning to rise as we set up camp by a deep, but narrow, fast moving river. As Minsc and the others began to pitch the tents and build a fire to cook the evening meal, I stood alone in the darkness just off to the side on the river’s high bank. Everyone else was tired and preoccupied with their own chores and duties, and in the relative darkness where I stood, no one took notice. I turned and stared down into the shadowy swirling waters, the moon just beginning to catch the tops of the currents with a silvery glow.” He was immersed in the memory as his voice took on the eerie quality of his vivid remembrance.

“The noise from our camp was quietly replaced by the dark gurgling of the deep flow below me, beckoning to me, offering me noiseless rest and peace. It was intense and melodious, and I was entranced and drawn by its calling.

“I had removed my helmet, but not my armor, and I thought, ‘Just one step… All I need to do is just take one small step and I could just slip over the side into the dark deep eddies far below. I knew the water would welcome me into its cold blackness and my heavy armor would carry me to the deep soft sandy bottom. There I could simply let the water fill my lungs. It was so inviting and it would be such a simple and perfect solution to my miserable existence. I pictured my anguished soul would be washed downstream and out to the sea, then the bottom feeders of the river would be left to feast upon my black heart and tainted flesh. The end of my life would not totally be a waste.” He smiled bitterly and paused, staring off into the distance.

“They would search, but no one would ever find me, I thought as I stood there. They would finally just assume I had abandoned them and gone off into the forest, finally beset by my encroaching madness.” The bitter smile was replaced by a singular bitter laugh.

“It seemed so perfect. No one would miss me before it would all be over. I would be gone and eternally embraced by the whispering dark below me. I was mesmerized.

“I thought ironically to myself, ‘Fate has seen to issue the gift of deliverance to me this day. Who am I to refuse such providence?’” His stare shifted to me for a long moment then down at his folded hands.

“As I started to take that step, I felt someone gently squeeze my hand. I turned and there stood Riona.” He was on the verge of tears but he continued. “She looked at me and smiled and said, ‘I didn’t know where you had gone. I missed you, and it is time to eat.’

“And, then she quickly kissed my cheek. I…I…don’t know why she did that. She..she had never done anything like that before. I don’t think she realized she had kissed me until after she did it. She seemed flustered and embarrassed at first. She scuffed her boot in the loose gravel kicking a bit of dirt and rock over the edge. I watched it as it careened down the path I had laid for myself. I looked at her.

“I resented her intruding upon my plan to end it all. I quickly pulled my hand from hers in retaliation and I said nothing. I just stood there sullenly staring at her in the bright moonlight. Her expression changed and she looked as though she was angry with me. I thought she had read the self-destruction that must surely have been written upon my face. Then… then she took her hands and forcibly pulled my face down to hers and she kissed me….really kissed me. On my mouth.” He sighed and sat quietly for a moment. “She was angry at me and her anger launched itself into a searing, passionate battle of her mouth against mine. We both lost, we both won.” He paused again. “It..it was a lover’s kiss -- my first real lover’s kiss.

“I could taste the salt from the sweat of the day’s journey on her smooth lips and suddenly I wanted more than that kiss. I wanted that which had haunted me for many weeks in my dreams, and more. I was so immediately flooded with the need and desire to have her, to possess her spirit, I would have laid her to the ground and taken her then and there, had I not still been wearing my accursed armor. I…I just wanted to feel I was part of something greater, someone…..” He smiled to himself.

“She stopped as abruptly as she had started. She pulled back and glared at me. Then she grabbed my hand as though nothing had happened and began to pull me back to camp. ‘I said it is time to eat, Delryn,’ she said to me. She was still angry but I didn’t know why.” He looked directly at me.

“Do you think she was angry with you because she knew instinctively what you were about to do, or do you think she was angry because you didn’t respond to her as she wanted you to do after she kissed your cheek?” I knew the latter had never occurred to him. He leaned his head to one side and wrinkled his forehead. I explained further, “Anomen, I am only suggesting that kiss might not have been as altruistic as you might have thought, although the overall effects were certainly more so, as you are sitting here in the present, alive and well.”

“It was she that drew me back from the brink of my own destruction. It was that kiss and the hope of the future that kept me from fate’s invitation to flee my demons.” He leaned forward gripping the chair arms as I had seen him do so often when he was about to make an emphatic point.

“It was she who saved my life that night. She and that one kiss. I knew then that I could never willingly leave her. That night, I made up my mind that Fate would have to take me as I battled beside her for her cause, but the Gods would never have me by my own hand.” He was decisive and clear.

“Anomen, it was you who saved your own life that night. She may have, from her own actions, forced you to choose between life and death, but it was your decision all along. Mind you, I am not diminishing her interaction and influence, but ultimately we all live, or die, by our own choices, be they good, bad, or indifferent. You were forced to decide, to choose your path, at that point in time. But let me repeat myself, it was your decision and you are the one who ultimately made it.” He sat for a long time before he responded.

“I…I know you are right, Glory. I did decide that night. But she inflamed me. She instilled a glimmer of hope in me, a glimmer of..” He paused searching for the word.

“Worthiness?” I finished the sentence for him. He nodded slowly.

“Yes, a feeling of worthiness. A feeling of substance,” he said thoughtfully.

“Did you ever tell her this – share with her what you just told me?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No. To confess such feelings would have betrayed the little I thought she found worthy in me. I would never be able to openly admit to her I had thoughts of ending my own life by my own hand, let alone I was so close to doing so.” There was an edge of shame in his voice.

I thought back. Although he had never chronicled this event in his journal, he had made several references to ‘the kiss’. This had to be it. But this kiss was more than just a kiss. It had created a life-altering event for this man.

“Anomen, when you first came to me, were you having those dark feelings again?” I asked.

“I…I was so confused. I had been thinking of asking Riona to be my wife, and those old feelings of being unworthy were resurfacing. It was one thing to be her lover and her confidante, and to battle by her side. But in my heart, it was quite another to be her husband. It meant thinking of children and family and I did not want to pass the tainted legacy of Lord Cor to an innocent as it had been passed to me. I…I was afraid she would find me lacking as a husband and would reject me if I asked her to share her heart and life with me.”

Again he leaned forward. “It was like quicksand, Glory. The more I struggled to resolve this dilemma in my own mind, the deeper I was sinking into my own abyss of fears. I could feel the old beliefs again taking over my life as they had before. I was waking in the middle of the night having dreamt of Saerk and his daughter. I…I had almost resolved myself to finally letting that quicksand take me once and for all. That is when Michael, one of the head Priests at the Church of Helm insisted that I come to see you.” He smiled briefly. “You know, Michael is the Priest who healed my shoulder and arm so many years ago. He was just barely out of the Academy himself at that time. But he has been a good friend to me since I was in the Academy, always helping me, and he was one of the few who has remained my good friend through all my travails since.”

Ah, I thought. It appeared that Sir Ryan had not neglected his paternal duties after all. He had simply enlisted Michael, and perhaps other trusted friends within the Church, to look after his son as best he, and they, could. Apparently, that ‘looking after’ had extended beyond the Academy and up to as recently as a scant few weeks ago.

“Priest Michael sent you here?” I asked, rather matter-of-factly. I recalled no specific names in the original request I had received from the Church. Just a usual transfer with nothing distinguishing about it.

He nodded. “As my friend, I had confessed to him some of these inner conflicts and the self-loathing I was beginning to feel again. I…I didn’t go into great detail, but he immediately voiced I needed help and it was the type of help the Church couldn’t provide. Then he said he had no choice but to insist that I see you – this was for the good of the Church, that he could see my clerical abilities quickly deteriorating under the weight of my problems and your approach to solving them might be my only hope. I…I told him it was hopeless and a waste of the Church’s good coin, and it would be better if I simply left the Church.”

“How did he finally convince you?” I asked.

Anomen smiled. “He pulled an old copy of a dissertation I had written as part of my graduation from the Academy and read my own words to me. I recall it said, ‘….Helm is a strict God, but that does not imply there is no room for compassion and redemption for those led stray but are still true of heart…’ He said if I truly believed that, I would come to see you. Then he said if I truly did not believe it, I would come to see you anyway – if for no other reason to disprove and invalidate my original thesis.”

“And now, Anomen? Have you proved, or disproved, your thesis?” I asked.

He nodded and grinned. “With the recent intervention and guidance of Helm, I can say with all clarity that my beliefs as defined in my journal of so many years ago have been proved. And by the Great Watcher, himself.”

And some ‘divine intervention’ by one, very loving and very caring father, too, I thought as the picture was becoming very clear to me. Loving parents will go to extraordinary lengths to protect and, and if necessary, save their beloved offspring from whatever might threaten them. Even themselves.

“You would say it is a fair statement that the future appears much brighter than when I first met you?” I asked.

“Oh, yes, Glory,” and he smiled. “For the first time in many years, I feel hopeful and encouraged by the future.” He emphasized the words. “I have thankfully discovered my real Father, and I am about to marry the woman I love more than life itself. I look to the ‘morrow and the possibilities fill me with hope. This is the happiest I have ever been in my life, Glory.” He paused and a wisp of sadness briefly crossed his face. “I…I only wish Moira could be here to share it with me.”

In all of his joy, he could not forget his love for, or his loss of, his sister.

“You still don’t feel responsible, do you, Anomen? For her death, I mean.”

“No, I don’t feel responsible, but I do still miss her terribly. Especially when there is happy news and I want desperately to share it, and she isn’t here to share it with me. I only hope that wherever she is, she knows how happy I am,” he said wistfully.

“I would like to believe she knows, Anomen,” I nodded. “I would like to believe she knows.”

There was a long silence as though Anomen was debating whether to share something with me, or not. His fingertips tapped lightly on the arms of his chair.

“Anomen, is there something in particular you want to talk about?” I ventured, not sure if I had read him correctly. “Something on your mind you wish to discuss?” He hung his head briefly then deciding to tell me, he spoke.

“When we were in Trademeet, just after your ritual, I..I saw Lord Cor in the tavern at the Inn. He was with a small group of other merchants from the south and they were, by the sounds of it, celebrating some new trade agreement. I was alone as Riona had bid me go there and await her arrival after some chore she was doing on behalf of her sister.” He paused.

“I entered the tavern and standing at the doorway waiting for my eyes to adjust to the dim light, I heard him before I even saw him. He was at his Lord Cor best -- besotted and loudly harassing the barmaid with his usual drunken, lascivious comments. I…I quietly took a table in the back, near the door. I did not want a confrontation with him, but I was not going to allow his presence to intimidate me into leaving.

“As the maid brought me my ale, his eyes followed her back to my table and then he recognized me. I paid the young lass and out of the side of my vision, I could see him raise himself from his chair as his eyes bore down on me. He slowly walked toward me trying desperately not to stagger as he traversed the room. He reached my table and I looked up from my mug into his shrunken wrinkled face and black beaded eyes. I said nothing and returned my attention to my ale as he clung to the other chair to keep his balance.

“’Hey, you…. boy,’ he said, his words were slurred. I ignored him. He leaned over and lightly jabbed at my unarmored shoulder. ‘I’m talking to you…, boy.’ I turned and looked up into his face again.

“’You were referring to me, sir?’ I said to him.

“’Yes, boy, don’t you have an ounce of respect for your own father? Even if I did disown you, you worthless piece of maggot food’ and he teetered as he stood there, his eyes reddened and glazed, his skin sickly yellowed because of the drink. Then he hurled a mouthful of spittle upon my boot.”

Anomen paused. “I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was hit with a rush of thoughts and feelings, the foremost being how much I hated this man. It would be so easy to draw my short dagger and drive it into him and carve out the rot of his soul, I thought. This was Trademeet and I was a hero here. I could say he provoked me, or challenged me, and after a brief official inquiry, that would be the end of it. Lord Cor would be dead and my Mother and my dear Moira could rest in peace knowing I had sent the devil to the abyss where he belonged.” He inhaled deeply.

“Then I heard my real Father’s voice. It was as clear as if Sir Ryan was sitting right there with me. It said to me, ‘This man is not your father, he has never been, nor will he ever be. I am your Father, and as my Son, you will act with the honor of your natural birthright.’” He sighed again.

“I slowly stood up and looked down into his shriveled face which was only a short foot away. I had not realized what a small, ugly, pathetic little man he really was until that moment. Then I began to speak to him.

“’Sir,’ I said, ‘You have taken and destroyed everything that I have ever loved in my life -- up to now. But it stops now. You are not my Father and thank the Gods, you never were. I have met my real Father, I know my real Father, and I love my real Father.’ I didn’t realize my voice was steadily rising as I spoke to him. ‘I am the Son of Sir Ryan Trawl, and not you, Lord Cor, and for the first time in my life I am proud of my Father and he is proud of me.’ I was visibly trembling as I forged on.

“’And, Lord Cor, were he not my Father, you can be assured your rotted entrails would be strewn from your throat to your groin, just as my beloved Mother threatened you so many years ago when you attempted to kill us both.’

“’Death, sir, would be wasted on you and I would be forced to dispose of a perfectly good dagger after the deed!’ I…I was near yelling by the time I had finished and all the other patrons had turned to listen. But he stood speechless with no expression upon his face. The son-of-a-bitch was speechless. And me? I felt instantly liberated. This vile little worm would haunt me no more.” He quieted but I knew he wasn’t finished and a hint of a pressed smile began to flirt with his mouth.

“It was so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop. Then by Helm’s own design, the door swung open and in walked Riona. Hearing the unearthly quiet and immediately sensing the tension, she quickly spotted us standing, facing each other. She walked over to the table and kissed me on my cheek. ‘Riona,’ I said, ‘I believe you will remember Lord Cor from meeting him some time ago.’ She told me later that I actually had a cold sadistic smile on my face and my voice was as chilling as she had never heard before. But I never took my eyes off of Lord Cor. Then I said, ‘Lord Cor, I would like to again acquaint you with my now fiancé, Riona. We are to be joined in a few tendays.’ Riona said not a word but looked at him. Lord Cor did not speak, either. And all the while, I never took my eyes from his eyes.

“After what seemed an eternity, the son-of-a-bitch dropped his eyes, and saying nothing, turned and staggered back to his table near the bar. Except for the scraping of his boot heels on the floor, the tavern was still soundless. He said not a word to his friends as he picked up his pack and weaved his way through the back door. And as I saw the door close behind him, I knew he would never, ever influence my life again. His hold on me was forever broken.” He sighed a sigh of great relief.

What God did I have to thank for arranging that fortuitous meeting, I thought to myself. Anomen was able to accomplish in one confrontation what would have taken us months, possibly years, to facilitate in therapy. I was bordering on being ecstatic at this wonderful news.

“Anomen, I trust you realize you shed Lord Cor from you during that confrontation,” I said.

“Oh, yes, Glory. I was able to stand up to him and finally face him. I…I don’t know if I could have done so without knowing my real Father and that he loves me.”

“Did you share this with your Father?” I asked.

“No, not yet. It distresses him so when I speak of Lord Cor. I fear it makes him feel some culpability for my Mother’s bad choices when I was a very young boy. But, when the opportunity arises, I will tell him.” He sat in deep thought for a long moment.

“You are right, Glory – what you said before. It is all about choices and the choices we make. We may not always like the selection of choices, but they are still our choices, aren’t they?”

“Yes, Anomen, they are still our choices and sometimes we are gifted with good ones, and sometimes we are burdened with bad ones. But it is up to us to ultimately choose because we are the one who will have to live with the consequences of the selection.”

He smiled and nodded. “I now see that,” he said. “I now understand what you have been saying all along.”

Well, our choices, a dash of Fate, and a little divine intervention along the way, I thought to myself.

We took a break for a noon meal that Charona graciously fetched for us. At one point Anomen looked at me and snickered, “You realize, Glory, I have painstakingly withheld any comment on your voracious appetite.”

“Yes, and I appreciate it,” I giggled. “I can’t help it. I see food and I eat it. Doesn’t matter whether I like whatever it is, or not. I cannot resist just shoving it into my mouth.” I patted my bulging stomach. He nodded and continued snickering.

After noon meal, we continued until mid-afternoon covering more ground than I had ever hoped for. We were rapidly approaching delving into the guilt associated with the death of Surayah when I thought it best that we call it a day. He needed time to reflect on the work we had done today and beginning to deal with his guilt would require a fresh, new start.

He had just left my office and Charona and I were busily talking about some files to be transferred to various patients’ new doctors when I heard a very familiar voice at the door.

“Madam Glory!” It was Sir Ryan, slightly tanned after the fishing trip. He was all smiles as he walked into my office. “I trust I am not intruding,” he half apologized.

“Not at all, Sir Ryan. Please come in and sit down.” Charona bid the Knight hello and quietly exited, closing the door behind her.

“Now, my good Sir,” I began as he seated himself comfortably in the new chair. “What brings you to my office when we both know you don’t have an appointment for another three days?”

He laughed, “Always so suspicious, dear Glory. So much like your Father in so many ways.” He paused. “I simply came to see how your trip was and how you are feeling. You know, now that I am, well…, like an Uncle, I have to make sure all is well with you.”

“All could not be better,” I replied. “The babies are growing by leaps and bounds, and are beginning to execute various gymnasts’ feats within the small confines of their current abode.”

“That is wonderful news,” he smiled and nodded.

I suddenly remembered the handwritten ‘note-to-file’ I had again run across earlier in the morning as I transferred the contents of my old desk into my new. It lay on top of the second drawer on the left. I opened it and removed the piece of parchment.

“Sir Ryan, I believe this is yours?” I half-smiled and handed it to him. He took it and glanced briefly at it. He was good at hiding the sense of recognition from his face.

“Oh, yes….,” he said and looked at me for a word of explanation. I chuckled.

“Sir Ryan, the next time you decide to create an addition to one of your Squire’s or one of your Knight’s files, you may want to double check the dates. I believe that in your haste to, shall we say, ‘salt’ the file, your note’s date misses Anomen’s squire date by almost two years.” I sat and waited for a response. “A slip of the quill?”

“Oh dear,” he said, and I couldn’t readily tell if he was slightly embarrassed because of the error, or because he had been found out. He looked up at me and smiled. “You have found me out, Glory. Yes, I ‘salted’ the original file with this note, as I was the one who originally filled the pouches with his records to you. But all that is written within it is true, as I know you are well aware. I did it in the hopes you would find it and it would provide you with the beginning of a course that would help my son.”

“The same way you, shall we say, encouraged the Priest, Michael, to send Anomen here for treatment?” I asked.

“Uh…yes, Glory. I am responsible for that, as well. Michael had told me Anomen was so dangerously close to the edge, that he feared for his personal safety at his own hands. I… I couldn’t let that happen.” The concern was very evident on his face.

“So, you, as his Father, decided to manipulate the system however you could, and within reason, to help your Son,” I said smiling. He nodded, still slightly embarrassed.
“Thank you, Sir Ryan. You are truly a wonderful and loving Father, and Anomen is a fortunate young man because of the sacrifices you have made and the potential risk to which you have exposed yourself. And I would be most proud if you would be my Uncle.”

“I..I was concerned that you might be upset with me, for having deceived you,” he smiled sheepishly.

“How could I ever be upset with my, er, ‘Uncle,’” I replied. “I would have done the same, and possibly more. However, you might want to destroy that note lest someone else runs across it and puts two and two together.” He nodded and grinned as he tucked it safely out of view into his tunic’s inner pocket.

Sir Ryan stayed for tea and we chatted about the fishing trip and the upcoming union ritual for Anomen and Riona. There was even talk of the twins and a mention of Father and Waukeen. I was very proud of myself that I did not press Sir Ryan for any confidentiality Father might have shared with him. Soon after Sir Ryan’s departure, Hendak arrived. It had grown late and I hadn’t even noticed.

“Time to take Wife, Mother, and babies home,” he said as he greeted me with a hug and a warm kiss. “The carriage awaits us, my love.”

“Oh, my,” I said. “Charona, would you be so kind to feed Ki before you lock up? I fear that with Sir Ryan here, I totally forgot to.”

“Of course, Mistress,” she said nodded.

“And, Charona, the young Knight? Sir Conrad, I think is his name?” Hendak’s eyes were twinkling as he spoke. “You should bring him by for dinner one evening during this next tenday. Since you are still technically my charge, I want to make certain he is a proper suitor for you.” Charona’s face grew bright crimson.

“Yes..yes, Hen..Hendak,” she blushed, “We would be happy to come to dinner.”

I grabbed my notes and affectionately squeezed Charona’s arm on our way out the door.

“How did you know?” I asked Hendak as we boarded the carriage.

“There are two things notably in short supply at the Coronet, my love. Good manners and secrets,” he chuckled.

TO BE CONTINUED…..




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