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Blood and Shadows--Chapter One


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#1 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 14 March 2004 - 04:18 PM

Hi there, y'all. This is going to be Rinara's SoA story. I swear I'll finish this one. Tansy, however, is officially dead. Sorry if you liked her, but I just couldn't bring myself to care much one way or another. Rinara, on the other hand, is my personal baby, so you will definitely be seeing more of her. I'm not sure how the Guildhall series will fit in yet.

Oh, and just a note on the title...It'll probably change. I'm just not very creative right now. Suggestions are welcome.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Pain. So much pain, still. Her whole body ached, and her head felt as if it would split, and she was so tired. All she wanted was to curl up somewhere dark and safe, away from the curious eyes of the passersby, and sleep until the end of the world. The light was too bright, it was searing her eyeballs out, the light was going to kill her. Sweet Mask, get me out of the light.

She knew that she should be thinking, planning, doing something. She had to rescue Imoen. But she couldn’t. It seemed as if her body had decided that she had messed it up too badly, and she was no longer in control. All she could do was allow Minsc to support her along, following Jaheira. Out of the glaringly bright sunlight. Dimness, blessed dark, as welcome as a cold bath on burned skin. Jaheira motioned to a staircase, said something to Minsc. Jaheira moved off, toward the counter. Wait, don’t go, Jaheira, where are you going? She felt herself being towed off, practically carried up the stairs and into an empty room.

Minsc lifted her gently onto the bed, and tucked the blankets up around her. “Don’t,” she heard herself murmur, “I’m all dirty.”

Minsc just smiled kindly down at her. “Little Rinara shouldn’t worry about such things now. Sleep now, and worry later.”

Little Rinara…When I’m almost as tall as he is… She wanted to reply, but was far too tired. Instead, her eyes drifted closed, and she sank into the waiting dark.

***

Jaheira opened the door of the small inn room, and peered in. Minsc was just turning away from the bed, and she waved him out into the hallway.

“Little Rinara is sleeping soundly, and will probably stay asleep for the night.”

“Good. I’ll stay with her. You go and get some rest.” She smiled up at the large warrior. A simpleton he may be, but he was kind, loyal, and genuinely cared about his friends.

Minsc nodded, and moved to the next door. “Minsc and Boo will be here if you need us.”

Jaheira quietly closed the door behind her, and sat down at the side of the bed. She looked down, and shook her head sadly at the sight that met her eyes. The wraith before her barely resembled the spunky, sassy girl with whom she had left Baldur’s Gate a mere two months ago. Her long, dark-blue hair was tangled and dirty, matted with blood and coated with grime. The bronze skin was bruised and scabbed; there would be many new scars on the girl. It was almost physically painful for Jaheira to see how thin the girl had grown, but what hurt the most was the memory of the way she had flinched away from even the lightest touch when Imoen had first rescued her from the cage.

That skittishness, at least, had gone away. It seemed that the child’s incredible powers of recovery were already at work. Jaheira had no doubt that Rinara would be able to bounce back from the ordeal, just as she always did.

Her own recovery, she was sure, would take far longer. Irenicus hadn’t physically harmed her. Instead, it felt like he’d taken a piece of her soul.

Sighing, she lay her head down on her arms. Khalid…What am I ever going to do without you?
-------------------------------------------------

This was sort of a testing the waters chapter. They'll be longer when things get more exciting.

#2 Laufey

Posted 14 March 2004 - 06:04 PM

Hi there, y'all. This is going to be Rinara's SoA story. I swear I'll finish this one. Tansy, however, is officially dead. Sorry if you liked her, but I just couldn't bring myself to care much one way or another. Rinara, on the other hand, is my personal baby, so you will definitely be seeing more of her. I'm not sure how the Guildhall series will fit in yet.


Sorry about Tansy...I did like her. Still, that's how it goes.

Rini: Hi, sis! Good to see you...not only are we almost named alike, but I'm told you have *great* taste in guys...


Pain. So much pain, still. Her whole body ached, and her head felt as if it would split, and she was so tired. All she wanted was to curl up somewhere dark and safe, away from the curious eyes of the passersby, and sleep until the end of the world. The light was too bright, it was searing her eyeballs out, the light was going to kill her. Sweet Mask, get me out of the light.

She knew that she should be thinking, planning, doing something. She had to rescue Imoen. But she couldn’t. It seemed as if her body had decided that she had messed it up too badly, and she was no longer in control. All she could do was allow Minsc to support her along, following Jaheira. Out of the glaringly bright sunlight. Dimness, blessed dark, as welcome as a cold bath on burned skin. Jaheira motioned to a staircase, said something to Minsc. Jaheira moved off, toward the counter. Wait, don’t go, Jaheira, where are you going? She felt herself being towed off, practically carried up the stairs and into an empty room.

Minsc lifted her gently onto the bed, and tucked the blankets up around her. “Don’t,” she heard herself murmur, “I’m all dirty.”

Minsc just smiled kindly down at her. “Little Rinara shouldn’t worry about such things now. Sleep now, and worry later.”

Little Rinara…When I’m almost as tall as he is… She wanted to reply, but was far too tired. Instead, her eyes drifted closed, and she sank into the waiting dark.


OK, I like how you start out in the middle of the story here, providing excitment. You've also given us a pretty good impression of Minsc, and who he is. Skipping Irenicus' dungeon is very understandable - but remember, you'll need to in some way flashback to provide the basic information about what happened there. Assume that you're writing for somebody who never played the game, and you'll see which parts you need to include.

***


Jaheira opened the door of the small inn room, and peered in. Minsc was just turning away from the bed, and she waved him out into the hallway.


I hope we'll see more of Jaheira next chapter - we all know who she is, what she looks like etc, but it still needs to be shown to the reader.

“Little Rinara is sleeping soundly, and will probably stay asleep for the night.”

“Good. I’ll stay with her. You go and get some rest.” She smiled up at the large warrior. A simpleton he may be, but he was kind, loyal, and genuinely cared about his friends.

Minsc nodded, and moved to the next door. “Minsc and Boo will be here if you need us.”

Jaheira quietly closed the door behind her, and sat down at the side of the bed. She looked down, and shook her head sadly at the sight that met her eyes. The wraith before her barely resembled the spunky, sassy girl with whom she had left Baldur’s Gate a mere two months ago. Her long, dark-blue hair was tangled and dirty, matted with blood and coated with grime. The bronze skin was bruised and scabbed; there would be many new scars on the girl. It was almost physically painful for Jaheira to see how thin the girl had grown, but what hurt the most was the memory of the way she had flinched away from even the lightest touch when Imoen had first rescued her from the cage.

That skittishness, at least, had gone away. It seemed that the child’s incredible powers of recovery were already at work. Jaheira had no doubt that Rinara would be able to bounce back from the ordeal, just as she always did.

Her own recovery, she was sure, would take far longer. Irenicus hadn’t physically harmed her. Instead, it felt like he’d taken a piece of her soul.

Sighing, she lay her head down on her arms. Khalid…What am I ever going to do without you?
-------------------------------------------------


You do a fine job of giving us an impression of Rinara here! I can almost see her, and I get a sense of her personality. :twisted:
Rogues do it from behind.

#3 Guest_argan_*

Posted 14 March 2004 - 06:38 PM

http://www.gamejag.c...8516&highlight=

Popular title, eh? :twisted:

Good introduction, anyway :twisted:

#4 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 14 March 2004 - 06:50 PM

Sorry about Tansy...I did like her. Still, that's how it goes.

Rini: Hi, sis! Good to see you...not only are we almost named alike, but I'm told you have *great* taste in guys...


Rinara: Heya! (Picked that habit up from Immy, sorry.)

She's not too talkative today, I gues...

OK, I like how you start out in the middle of the story here, providing excitment. You've also given us a pretty good impression of Minsc, and who he is. Skipping Irenicus' dungeon is very understandable - but remember, you'll need to in some way flashback to provide the basic information about what happened there. Assume that you're writing for somebody who never played the game, and you'll see which parts you need to include.


Actually, I'm planning something for the next chapter, explaining, in part, her present state.


I hope we'll see more of Jaheira next chapter - we all know who she is, what she looks like etc, but it still needs to be shown to the reader.


Yes, I realized that after I posted. I'm a bit rusty on writing serous narrative...Lately, I've mostly been working on parodies and poems. And snarky essays.

You do a fine job of giving us an impression of Rinara here! I can almost see her, and I get a sense of her personality. :twisted:


Thanks! Comments are criticism are vastly appreciated; I rarely ever get an honest appraisal of my work.

#5 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 14 March 2004 - 06:53 PM

http://www.gamejag.com/index.php?name=P ... highlight=

Popular title, eh?

Good introduction, anyway


Thanks. It figures, doesn't it? Ah, well, this is just a working title anyway. Suggestion's welcome!

#6 Guest_WildMage28_*

Posted 15 March 2004 - 10:26 AM

All I really have to say is that you really need to put in a little more descriptions about the characters. You've got Minsc down pretty good as well as your main character, but Jaheira's is a little weak. Also you might want to put in a little something about how your PC got into the shape she's in for those people who haven't played BG2. (There has to be someone who hasn't played it right? :twisted: )

#7 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 15 March 2004 - 09:57 PM

All I really have to say is that you really need to put in a little more descriptions about the characters. You've got Minsc down pretty good as well as your main character, but Jaheira's is a little weak. Also you might want to put in a little something about how your PC got into the shape she's in for those people who haven't played BG2. (There has to be someone who hasn't played it right? )


Well, this is only the first chapter. Don't worry about it, I have flashbacks and plenty of character development coming up. And as for the people who haven't play BG2...If they've been hanging around here, they know exactly what happened anyway. :twisted: However, there will be more detail into the past in a bit...I just didn't feel like trying to slog through Irenicus' dungeon. I think that's where Tansy & Co. got bogged down.

#8 Guest_AlphaMonkey_*

Posted 16 March 2004 - 12:19 AM

Little Rinara…When I’m almost as tall as he is…


:twisted: Er... that's tall... exactly how tall (and thin) is she?

A simpleton he may be, but he was kind, loyal, and genuinely cared about his friends.


That he is. You'd think there wouldn't be all that much you could do with a character that's a bit lacking in the brains department, but it's surprising just how much material ol' Minsc and Boo can spawn.

but what hurt the most was the memory of the way she had flinched away from even the lightest touch when Imoen had first rescued her from the cage.


I always think this is something that really needs to be emphasized. You've been locked up in some dungeon for however long. That's bad enough, but you've been poked, prodded, had acid dumped on you, had your hair singed, etc. etc. Sure, young people recover fast, but CHARNAME really should be a walking train wreck after all that... at least for a while.

That skittishness, at least, had gone away.


"skittishness" - good choice of words. Gives off just the right impression of hesistation, nervousness and even a bit of frailty as well.

One last general comment: It's true that most of us that frequent these boards have played through BG2... but there are some that really haven't, and it kinda is necessary to have at least some kind of primer for them. Assuming that the audience isn't familiar with stuff is usually the stance you need to take.

And there's no requirement that it be a particular drab flashback, either... there are always ways to dump background information on a reader without necessarily going into the tried but true method of having Character A just sit down and reflect. Dropping in the occasional reference, a passing comment here, an idle line there... that can also do the job, and it provides the reader with a little bit of "mystery" as they try to piece the history together.

#9 Weyoun

Posted 17 March 2004 - 11:17 PM

[quote]Hi there, y'all. This is going to be Rinara's SoA story. I swear I'll finish this one. Tansy, however, is officially dead. Sorry if you liked her, but I just couldn't bring myself to care much one way or another. Rinara, on the other hand, is my personal baby, so you will definitely be seeing more of her. I'm not sure how the Guildhall series will fit in yet.
[/quote]

Aww, poor Tansy. :)

[quote]
Pain. So much pain, still. Her whole body ached, and her head felt as if it would split, and she was so tired. All she wanted was to curl up somewhere dark and safe, away from the curious eyes of the passersby, and sleep until the end of the world. The light was too bright, it was searing her eyeballs out, the light was going to kill her. Sweet Mask, get me out of the light.

When surrounded by damp dungeon, I'd rather stay in the light. :D

[quote]
Little Rinara…When I’m almost as tall as he is… She wanted to reply, but was far too tired. Instead, her eyes drifted closed, and she sank into the waiting dark.
[/quote]

Laska : Ah, another tallie! Stand next to me.

Vierna : *sniffs* I'm only 4,9 ft. STUPID TALL PEOPLE! :?

[quote]
That skittishness, at least, had gone away. It seemed that the child’s incredible powers of recovery were already at work. Jaheira had no doubt that Rinara would be able to bounce back from the ordeal, just as she always did.

Her own recovery, she was sure, would take far longer. Irenicus hadn’t physically harmed her. Instead, it felt like he’d taken a piece of her soul.

Sighing, she lay her head down on her arms. Khalid…What am I ever going to do without you?
-------------------------------------------------
[/quote]

It certainly starts off well and angsty. 8)

[quote]
This was sort of a testing the waters chapter. They'll be longer when things get more exciting.[/quote]

Pretty good!

---Weyoun
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

---
Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!

---

"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

#10 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 18 March 2004 - 02:57 PM

:cry: Er... that's tall... exactly how tall (and thin) is she?


Very. She's 6'5" tall. She's not normally really thin, but these aren't exactly normal circumstances.

That he is. You'd think there wouldn't be all that much you could do with a character that's a bit lacking in the brains department, but it's surprising just how much material ol' Minsc and Boo can spawn.


I love Minsc and Boo. If I didn't think it'd permanantly cripple me, I'd want to hug Minsc.


I always think this is something that really needs to be emphasized. You've been locked up in some dungeon for however long. That's bad enough, but you've been poked, prodded, had acid dumped on you, had your hair singed, etc. etc. Sure, young people recover fast, but CHARNAME really should be a walking train wreck after all that... at least for a while.


I agree. I like that CHARNAME is able to bounce back, but I don't think it would be instantaneous.

"skittishness" - good choice of words. Gives off just the right impression of hesistation, nervousness and even a bit of frailty as well.


Thanks. I was going for the impression of a slightly spooked horse, y'know, there's only one person it'll let near it.

One last general comment: It's true that most of us that frequent these boards have played through BG2... but there are some that really haven't, and it kinda is necessary to have at least some kind of primer for them. Assuming that the audience isn't familiar with stuff is usually the stance you need to take.

And there's no requirement that it be a particular drab flashback, either... there are always ways to dump background information on a reader without necessarily going into the tried but true method of having Character A just sit down and reflect. Dropping in the occasional reference, a passing comment here, an idle line there... that can also do the job, and it provides the reader with a little bit of "mystery" as they try to piece the history together.


I realize that. This was a quickly written chapter--I was in the middle of homework, and just felt like I had to write. It happens sometimes. I did revise quite a bit, but I liked it basically the way it was. Also, I have a habit of over-explaining things when I write, and that gets really boring really fast. I was trying not to do that. Seems I did the exact opposite.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions. Constructive criticism is always appreciated.

#11 Guest_Yunami_Silverblade_*

Posted 18 March 2004 - 03:10 PM

Aww, poor Tansy. :)


Yes. I feel bad, but I just didn't care at all about her. She had no personality; all of my other characters are born in a fit of creativity. Tansy was manufactured for the story.

When surrounded by damp dungeon, I'd rather stay in the light. :cry:


Well, after having been surrounded by damp dungeon for months, the light might be quite painful.

Laska : Ah, another tallie! Stand next to me.

Vierna : *sniffs* I'm only 4,9 ft. STUPID TALL PEOPLE! :D


Rinara: *Stands next to Laska. At 6'5", she towers over poor Vierna.* Sorry. I've always been freakishly tall; Immy used to make fun of me for it.

It certainly starts off well and angsty. :)


It won't stay that way...I'm much better at sarcastic humor. However, if necessary, I can do passable angst. The next two chapters will be rather depressing, but after that, things'll get moving in a better direction.

Pretty good!

---Weyoun


Thanks! I'm sorry I haven't had much time for commenting; my mom is only letting me have one hour a day on the computer, so it's all I can do to check my e-mail and spend some time writing. I'm too wordy for my own good.




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