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Dreams of Dawn


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#1 Guest_Nyx_*

Posted 06 January 2003 - 08:24 AM

The stars are beautiful tonight; they gleam like diamonds against the black satin sky. It is almost as though they are within reach. If they were I would surely reach up and grab a handful to give to you, my lady. I would string them on a chain of moonlight and drape them 'round your neck, and yet still they could not match your glow.

Ah, perhaps you are right. Perhaps I am changing the subject. You have always been observant, my lady, and that is why I have always come to you. You are right in this as well. I am brooding again.

Oh, but I could not say why. I do not claim to be a good man, though there was a time that I thought as much. I see now that those were the beliefs of a frightened child, clinging to fairy tales. The world, the real world, is not so kind as that and never has been. I should have known as much from the moment my mother died. There is no order to things, no grand justice. Her death served no purpose. Or I hope not, else the gods are far crueler than I have given them credit to be.

I know these are not the words of a priest. Ah, perhaps I am only rambling on tonight, but I think I am not. I have been thinking quite a bit of late. You need not hide your surprise; I do think on my own, though not always terribly well. I have been thinking of... that child. Saerk's child, who --

Stop, my lady, do not look away. I know you do not like the subject, yet it plagues my mind. The insistent call for justice shouts inside me still, this time against myself. I have thrown off the shackles of my previous life, and yet my mind remains inside that box, I suppose. By rights my former brothers might have shackled me and brought me to justice at the Council's Hall; perhaps it was misplaced loyalty and the remembrance of the man I had been which stopped them from doing so. I think now upon that moment and realize how close I came to utter ruin, and yet in the streets I shouted curses at their narrow minds because they turned me away. You laugh, my lady, but it is true. I do not discount the claim that they are... ha, yes, prejudicial, yes, closed-- yes, that too, my lady, elitist as well. And yet they did not turn me in, though by all rights they might have. I find that contradiction... bizarre. I am left wondering if my brothers were always so lax with their honor. Perhaps it was I who was wrong in how I saw them, unblemished and noble. The opposite of all that I had seen in Lord Cor's house.

And as always it does come to my father, does it not? I think of him and still I seethe; that anger grows within me yet, though your presence soothes it to be sure. I could have murdered him in that moment, inside our home, and I would not have regretted it. No, do not say that I would. You do not know the hatred that lies in my heart. I have... no father, now. No name. I am without house or Order. But I am still your knight.

Shh, do not laugh, my lady.

Tell me what you believe.

Do you believe in justice? Shall I be punished for what I have done, slaying an innocent child, the daughter of a man who was not, in the end, guilty of any crime? Or is the loss of my dream payment enough? I do not know. Is there a path, for me, back to the man I was? And I ask you, my lady, do I even wish to go?

An unfair question, to be sure. I do not wish to place the weight of my conscience on your shoulders, which already bear so much. And yet I do wonder if, when I am dead as adventurers frequently are, Helm will come for me or if he will cast me aside for my deviations from his path. He says that I must guard well innocents, serve the weak, and protect all... yet I have slain an innocent instead, and now have nothing left to protect.

No. I will protect you.

And yet I know that is not enough.

Look! The sky is lightening; soon the night will turn to dawn. It will be our first sunrise together, will it not? Ha, very true; our first sunrise outside and awake. Our hours are strange, my lady; in the Order we were awakened each morning while the sky was still black as ebony.

Look at me, my lady. Tell me what you see in my eyes. Do you see the hatred, still twisting and writhing? I feel the demon inside of me: it consumes from within. That anger of which we once spoke, it lives even still. And each time I restrain, it screams and beats at the bars of the cage I have erected around it... and each time I set it free, it only grows. I do not know my path now, when I have lost everything.

I know that you have no answers for me. I am grateful that you have listened this far.

Ah. Look up then. The sky is turning crimson. How bright, how vivid the colors, the blooming of roses in the sky. The night is bleeding.

It is said, my lady, that red is the color of love. But, of course, it is also the color of blood.

You are right. We should sleep.

My lady? May your dreams be sweet.

...I know my own will not.




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