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12. Even more writer's plight!

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#1 Weyoun

Posted 05 January 2003 - 07:14 PM

Writer's comment : Just something silly in between. Now that I had started yet another series, it's time to expand on my writer's plight story I did... It's fun with all these elves living in my head. Well, this is how the Three Couch Potato Elves were born! They'd turn up a lot of times later during commenting...

Even more writer's plight!

*Laska and Vierna are sitting in front of the telly, watching assorted TV-shows. Vierna, wearing black jeans and a turtle-neck sweater is holding the remote, while Laska, wearing her usual leather pants and tank-top, tells Vierna when a show sucks and demands her to change it.*

Vierna : News...

Laska : Sucks...

Vierna : Talkshow...

Laska : Sucks...

Vierna : Jerry Springer...

Laska : Are they throwing chairs yet?

Vierna : Only just started...

Laska : Sucks, then... Hey, I'm thirsty, go get me an ale, would ya?

Vierna : *annoyed* What am I? Your slave?!

*A third elf steps in. The redheaded moon-elf looks shyly about the room and seems to be quite unused to the pair of jeans and T-shirt she is wearing. Vierna and Laska give her no mind till she steps in front of the telly.*

Aribeth : Ermm, hello, guys. I'm Aribeth, I'm new here, and...

Vierna : Yer blocking our view!

Laska : And Vierna's remote!

Aribeth : Oh, sorry. *quickly steps away from the telly...* That, err, picture-box is amazing, isn't it?

Vierna : Yep. It'll make you braindead too, just look at poor Laska here.

Laska : Duuuhhhh, tell me about the rabbbittts? *chuckles*

Vierna : Pleased to meet you, sit down and join us!

Laska : Hey, seeing you're the new gal... There's an initiation-period! Head over to the fridge and get us some drinks... for the next week or so...

Vierna : Don't mind her. Just sit down and enjoy yourself.

Aribeth : *still a bit shy* Thanks... *sits down* What are we watching?

Laska : *checks TV-guide* Jerry Springer... Lesbian mudwrestlers who used to be men who cheat on their husbands who are gay, members of the Ku Klux Klan, have been abducted by aliens and were violently gang-probed.

Vierna : Do we have to watch this tripe?

Laska : It's a classic. Hey, I've got a really good joke for your two gals!

Aribeth : Sure, I'm the mood for a chuckle.

Vierna : You don't want to hear her jokes, Aribeth, trust me.

Laska : Okay, so a walrus enters a brothel and steps up to...

Aribeth : How did the walrus get to the brothel?

Laska : Doesn't matter, he just did.

Aribeth : How did the walrus know it was a brothel?

Laska : Just listen to the joke, shut up and laugh when you hear the punchline.

Aribeth : How does a walrus know what to do at a brothel?

Vierna : Why do your jokes always involve a location of ill repute and an exotic animal? I'd almost suspect your sexual appetite is quite perverse.

Laska : Well, Rose never had any complaints and... HEY, SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! *sighs* Now, where was I? Oh, yeah! So I was hanging naked in this christmas-tree and... *thinks* No, I wasn't telling you THAT story.

Vierna : *snickers to Aribeth* And it's only her first beer...

Laska : *checks out Aribeth* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You're an NPC!

Aribeth : *puzzled* Yes. So?

Vierna : No, no, no, it's good. Laska, you're a PC and I'm an original character so if Aribeth is an NPC, so we're still all different and diverse.

Laska : Oh, okay, then... Disregard... I'll go get us some beers. *gets up and heads to the basement*

Aribeth : She's very tall for an elf, isn't she?

Vierna : She's a beanpole... I wish I was one too... HEY! Are you implying I'm short?!

Aribeth : *frightened by Vierna's amazing fury* Er, no, no, I was just thinking out loud.

Vierna : *calms down* Okay, no biggie. I just get tired of being the short one.

Little Vierna : *skips in the room* Hi guys!

Aribeth : *gazes puzzledly from Vierna to Little Vierna and back*

Vierna : *smiles* She's mini-me.

Laska : *comes back from basement carrying a tray of beercans* Cripes, we can't watch the Springer-show, then. That isn't for kids eyes.

Little Vierna : Is Steve Irwin on? He's cool!

Aribeth : Who's Steve Irwin?

Vierna : He's like a ranger, only crazier. I'm a ranger, by the way. Laska is a fighter. What are you?

Aribeth : Well, I'm a paladin...

Vierna : *blinks* Funny, you don't like like a brainless, drooling dope, shouting about goodness where-ever you go, calling looking for a bathroom a quest and you aren't carrying around any armor-polish.

Aribeth : Ah, no, you're thinking of Helmites. I really don't like Helmites either. They bring back some... bad memories. I once saw a Helmite buff his armor and, when he was finished, he tossed it into a pile of mud and started all over again! I guess I was just in love with the act of polishing. He couldn't even fight properly anymore! His arm-muscles were locked in a permanent scrubbing-motion! But, like I said... bad memories...

Vierna : You and me both, sister... *changes channel, Tune of 'As the world turns' plays.*

Laska : So, *pops open a can after tossing Aribeth one* Here's your Milk, Vierna. *hands Vierna a glass* What's mister High and Mighty up to upstairs?

Aribeth : Undoutedly he's writing a story about us, no?

*Laska and Vierna stare blankly at Aribeth, then burst out laughing*

Aribeth : What did I say?!

Laska : Oh, dearrie, dearrie, dearrie...

Vierna : Forget it, he's probably doing school stuff, or watching TV or just lazes about...

Aribeth : Well, maybe he just needs mental preperation to write. Taking it at his own pace, you know?

*again Laska and Vierna explode in laughter*

Aribeth : *gets a bit miffed* Okay, what was so funny this time?

Vierna : You really ARE new here, aren't you? Us veteran story characters have to Lie...

Laska : Threaten...

Vierna : Bribe...

Little Vierna : Kick shins...

Laska : Punch...

Vierna : Choke...

Laska : Kill...

Vierna : Injure...

Little Vierna : Give candy...

Laska : Give wedgies...

Vierna : Torture...

Laska : Anything to spur him on to write a story, really. *gets another beer*

Little Vierna : *ignores the rest and starts playing with her new Gameboy Advance*

Aribeth : What?! I don't believe this!

Vierna : Believe it! And don't think you'll get any credit. Those Atticers give him most of the praise for the stories.

Aribeth : *angry* WHAT?! He'll get the credit for all my suffering and everything I've been through?!

Laska : Fraid so. *Aribeth gets up* Say, where are you going?

Aribeth : I'm going up there to punch that dork Weyoun in the face *heads upstairs, sounds of violence follow*

Aribeth : *comes back down the stairs, and plops down on the couch* Well, that was fun... Did you know the dork can't even think of a title for my story?! The nerve...

Vierna : Did you know how long it took him just to think up the title 'Twilight'? Such an idiot...

Laska : You think you had it bad, Ari? *snort* You know what he made me do?! He... *gags* made me SHAG ANOMEN!

Vierna : NO! *horrified*

Aribeth : How horrid!

Little Vierna : What's a 'shag'?

Laska : When you're older, kiddo. *snorts* You know... I'm going to go upstairs to kick Weyoun in the nuts! *Laska goes upstairs, shouts and sounds of violence follow. Then comes down again.* Well, he'll be a soprano for a while...

Vierna : You think you two had it bad? In the last stories, I've been pulled back and forth between two lovers and have been dragged all over creation looking for stupid spell-components to defeat some stupid plan of an even stupider Death Knight.

Aribeth : Gathering Spell-components? That sounds a bit familiar...

Laska : Well, he's been keeping you busy.

Vierna : And those Atticers give HIM all the credit for writing the story! Never mind me, the Drow who actually lived the tale! I'm going upstairs to break Weyoun's jaw *Vierna goes upstairs, shouts and sounds of extreme violence follow. Then, she comes down again.*

Vierna : Ah, that's better...

Little Vierna : He almost got me eaten by a vampire and got my friends stolen by a bully. I'm going up there to kick him in the shins! *Little Vierna goes upstairs, and it sounds as if she's throwing Weyoun across the room several times. Then, she comes down again, giggling.* Funny!

Laska : Well, he did do us some good turns. I've got to meet Rosie and I'm living in a great house.

Vierna : I have a happy family and a sweet lover.

Aribeth : He certainly improved my life too...

Little Vierna : I always got plenty of candy and a momma who loves me.

*The four elves sit around moping guiltily for a while*

Aribeth : Say, how about going for a stroll outside? It looks like a lovely day.

Vierna : Sorry, but Holland is bad elf country. Too many people, too few trees.

Aribeth : That must be why I've been feeling so uncomfortable since I got here.

Vierna : You're not the only one.

Laska : Not nearly enough violence in this stupid land either. *snorts* Okay, girls here we go! *Laska downs her beer in one drought* BURP!

Vierna : *smiles and downs her milk in one drought* BURP

Aribeth : *The other elves look at her expectantly. She sighs and downs her beer. She opens her mouth but nothing happens. Eventually she starts rubbing her midriff to get results* murff

Vierna : *chuckles* Close enough.

Laska : For a beginner.

Little Vierna : *giggles while playing on her Gameboy* Take THAT Dr. Wily!

Laska : Say, Aribeth? What time have you got?

Aribeth : *Checks her watch, a little ackward, since this is the first time she wears it* Errm, I think it's 18:34, whatever that means.

Laska : Oh, yeah *grins and checks her own watch* Then your watch is wrong. Mine says it's 18:33.

Aribeth : *defensive* Oh, and what makes your watch right?

Laska : Mine is correct, because it's a Rolex. And they've been calibrated.

Vierna : Where did you get a Rolex?

Laska : I stole it from Weyoun's grandfather.

Aribeth : Really? Well, how did they calibrate it then, hm? How do you know the person doing the calibrating had the correct time?

Laska : Errrr, well, I think that guy must have had a calibrated Rolex too! *chuckles*

Aribeth : Really? Well, then, miss know-it-all, how was the first Rolex calibrated?

Laska : Well, errrr... Okay, Okay, I don't know, okay?! Ya happy now?

Aribeth : Very... *smiles*

Laska : *takes of the Rolex and tosses it into the room with disgust*

Vierna : Hey, hey! Watch it, you could have hit the TV!

Laska : Well, excuse me, little miss white-hair...

Vierna : You really are an idiot, Laska...

Aribeth : *trying to defuse a coming fight* Shall we watch the show, then?

*the three elves watch the remainder of the soap-opera while Little Vierna keeps playing on her Gameboy.*

Vierna : *sniffles* That's... so sad!

Aribeth : *tears are streaming over her cheeks* How... how could he do that to her? She left her husband and kids for him and then he sleeps with her best friend! Twice! And then she goes back to him again and he dumps her for a blonde airhead...

Laska : *snorts* Well, that was an unrealistic show. Any REAL woman would have cut his genitals off in his sleep.

Little Vierna : *puzzled* What's an 'adultery'?

Laska : When you're older, kid... *glances at Vierna.*

Vierna : Don't look at me, or I'll pop you one...

*A new portal follows, and out steps a huge man*

Laska : Hey, Bro.

Vierna : Hey, unkie Sarevok.

Aribeth : Hello! I'm Aribeth...

*little Vierna is too engrossed in her Megaman game to notice Sarevok*

Sarevok : *booms* I'm looking for Weyoun. Is he in?

Vierna : Sorry. Ari here just decked him.

Laska : *quickly* Err, yeah... Aribeth beat him up all on her own...

Vierna : *points at Aribeth* J'accuse!

Aribeth : *miffed* Thank you VERY much for the support, guys...

Laska : Okay, okay! We, ahum, kneed him in the groin, broke his jaw, shinkicked him and eventually we all sat around feeling guilty.

Sarevok : Dammit, I wanted to try to convince him again...

Vierna : This is not about the spikes again, is it?

Sarevok : Well, seeing Weyoun likes to make changes to the story, I was hoping he'd consider giving me my old armor back when I am resurrected for the story.

Aribeth : *Eyes light up as spikes are mentioned* Did you say spikey armor?

Sarevok : *on the defensive* Certainly! Aside from their usefulness, they have a steady esthetic value. Why? Do you want to fight about it?!

Aribeth : Finally, someone who sees!!! I love spikes on armor!

Sarevok : Truly? *smile* Well, you are a lady of class then. I had spikes strewn all over my armor. Large, sharp spikes the color of my armor. It made the armor hard to put on, but it was worth the effort.

Aribeth : I had spikes on my left pauldron. Tall, straight and narrow, yet very irregular and with just a little swirl in the middle.

Sarevok : I bet they all told you they were 'gaudy'.

Aribeth : All the time. But I got the last laugh. Those spikes once saved me from being beheaded by a bandit, you know? My spikies caught the blow perfectly!

Sarevok : Exactly! Say it, sister!

Aribeth : You happen to be talking to a card-carrying member of the Spikey Armored Paladin club, you know?

Sarevok : Really? I always wanted to join S.A.P. but they only let in paladins, sadly.

Aribeth : There were some drawbacks, though. My lover kissed me once and we were getting rather passionate about it, then he almost puts one of his eyes out! I should have taken my armor off first, perhaps. In retrospect it might not have been a good idea to wear my armor to a candelit dinner.

Sarevok : That's exactly what Tamoko told me, but she didn't even wear any armor at the time.

Laska : Yo, ever think she might have meant YOUR armor, Sarevok?

Sarevok : *resolutely* Don't be dense, that couldn't have been it! The candle-light reflecting off my armor must have looked very romantic...

Laska : Oh, great, that's just what me need. Two spike loving NPCS walking about...

Aribeth : It's called esthetic value, Laska... They look mean, and therefore, it can discourage a fight.

Laska : Tattoos have more esthetic value for me, Ari. Well, it's time I should get back to the lover's plane... Rose doesn't like it when I stay at the 'dork's house' too long.

Aribeth : Alris and Shivon are there too. I think it's time to be heading back and let Weyoun sleep if off...

Vierna : Yeah, time to go... Coming, mini-me?

The four elves slide through the portal, leaving Sarevok standing. The man looks around and then grabs Vierna's gameboy, and starts playing with the tiny machine in his huge hands.*

Sarevok : Great! I've already got one of the Boss weapons. Now, I need the Rain Flush to defeat BrightMan, then I'll get the Flash Stopper with which I can defeat Pharaohman, then I'll get the Sun Burst with which I can destroy RingMan! This is a lot easier than poisoning the iron with kobold henchmen... Dr. Wily, here I come!
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers

Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.

Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!


"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi

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