This was originally intended to be part of the Chapter 9. But it became too long and I think this is better as a different chapter, so I have separated the two chapters. I hope the board regulars and the moderators will forgive me for posting two chapters together.
Sendai's Predicament
Sendai relaxed against the high parapet on the roof of the monastery, dispassionately eyeing the preparations for the work to be done that night. She had been asked to keep herself out of it, along with most of the others of the newly formed group. Inglor had pleaded with his siblings that the fewer involved in the endeavour, the less suspicion it would arouse among the mercenaries - who were probably watching the fortress - and therefore the better the chance for the plan to succeed. She had heard his ideas on how to deal with the rebellious mercenary captain and supported them, to the surprise of almost everyone.
The night was uncomfortably hot and she felt the stifling heat rather disconcerting – it was interfering with her concentration. It was not that she had any immediate job that required her attention, but the bodily discomfort caused her thoughts to wander interminably. From the roof, she had an excellent view of the entire town of Amkethran. She saw Abazigal fly over the monastery in his true form, initiating the operation envisaged by Inglor, but her thoughts were more on her own predicament rather than on the nuisance of the mercenaries. If the worst came to the worst here, she could talk her way out of this trouble, as the main grouse of these cutthroat soldiers was against Balthazar. Her own troubles were far more serious in comparison and it was this knowledge that had caused her greater concern.
She drew her holy symbol from beneath her robes, raising it before her eyes and it glittered in the clear night, like another star. It was a beautiful piece of work, made by the skilled hands of the drow. The symbol itself was made of black enamel, with the insignia of her deity embossed on it in gold and ivory. The golden skull with the teardrops stood out in stark contrast to the black background, and the tears of ivory shone in the clear moonlight with a dull glow.
The silver chain that fastened it around her throat tinkled slightly at the disturbance, as she stared intently at the medallion. But the most telling feature of the otherwise impressive holy symbol was the totally mundane feeling it bestowed. The insignia of a deity always carried some of the power of the god in question. A priestess of her power would have been able to radiate the aura of her deity with ridiculous ease, but even to her touch the symbol did not emanate any feeling of power. Sendai shook her head – it was useless and the drow was concerned about her future. The priestess was still lost in her own thoughts, when she heard a quiet voice behind her, “It is a lovely evening, my dear Sendai. I trust the stargazing is doing you some good.”
She snapped out of her reverie. That cold, incisive, ironical voice could belong to but one person - Inglor. Though she had heard it only a few times, she was certain she could recognise it, even in her sleep. She snapped back frostily, “I did not ask you to come intruding into my solitude, male. Leave me be.”
Inglor smiled cynically, “If my presence causes you so much distress, I shall leave you alone. I only desire to help you and I know what it is that dominates your thoughts, former daughter of Bhaal.”
Sendai stiffened suddenly. How on Toril did this male know?! He had put the emphasis on the words, ‘the former daughter’. However, the priestess was trained to dissemble her feelings. She returned, “I shall have you flayed for your presumption - there is nothing bothering me except you.”
“Alas! If only that were the greatest of your troubles, sister, I would have been delighted. But you are wrong to rebuff my help in this instance, for though I know what troubles you, I have no desire to take advantage of it – rather I would wish to help you”, he answered her, this time with genuine concern and kindness lacing his voice.
She looked up at him, anger and bitterness vying for dominance in her eyes, “You are the cause of my present troubles. If only you had stopped your infernal meddling, I would have been …”
“Dead”, he interrupted her. “Believe me, that is the reward you would have got in the end for your services to Bhaal. He needed the essence in all of us and he would never have forgotten to take the essence of one as powerful as you. Of course, you might have been resurrected as his slave, but that would hardly have been more pleasant.”
“Your speech alters nothing. If you have finished gloating over my defeat, you may depart. Your very presence is nauseating”, she replied icily, having regained her composure during the short interval when Inglor was speaking.
Inglor realised that she was extremely proud, her haughtiness and arrogance approaching his own in quantity and quality. He sighed sadly and turned to go. At the head of the stairs from the roof, he turned and answered her, “I have to leave now to participate in the next stage of our plan against this Azrith. But, listen Sendai. I know the effect the demise of Bhaal has had on your clerical powers. I am perhaps the only one who knows it, and can suggest you a remedy. You assume that I wish to crow over your defeat and humiliate you. Nothing could be farther from the truth, for my only desire is to assist you in this business with all the power that is mine to command. If the Bhaalspawn cannot trust the Bhaalspawn, there is no hope for any of us. We shall talk about this on my return should you desire, if indeed I should return.”
His voice had been quiet, yet it carried total conviction. However, with that Parthian shot, he was gone, leaving Sendai to wonder what exactly it was that she felt about this particular Bhaalspawn. She hated him for the harm he had done her standing and her plans, she despised him for his lack of ambition as was shown by his failure to accept the power of Bhaal and destroying it without any qualms; but one part of her brain told her something else, something she could not comprehend. She growled in her throat at his retreating back, and turned away to witness the operation that was beginning to proceed in full effect.
Bhaalspawn Union 10 - Sendai's Predicament
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, Nov 14 2003 06:30 PM
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#2
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Posted 16 November 2003 - 01:12 AM
This was originally intended to be part of the Chapter 9. But it became too long and I think this is better as a different chapter, so I have separated the two chapters. I hope the board regulars and the moderators will forgive me for posting two chapters together.
Ah, whichever way is more convenient to you.
Sendai's Predicament
Sendai relaxed against the high parapet on the roof of the monastery, dispassionately eyeing the preparations for the work to be done that night. She herself had been asked to keep out of it, along with most of the others of the newly formed group. Inglor had pleaded with his siblings that the fewer involved in the endeavour, the less suspicion it would arouse among the mercenaries - who were probably watching the fortress - the better the chance for the plan to succeed. She had heard his ideas on how to deal with the rebellious mercenary captain and supported them, to the surprise of almost everyone.
Sounds like a good reasoning.
"that the fewer involved" feels to me like something is missing. maybe "the fewer of them"
She drew her holy symbol from beneath her robes, raising it before her eyes and it glittered in the clear night, like another star. It was a beautiful piece of work, made by the skilled hands of the drow. The symbol itself was made of black enamel, with the insignia of her deity embossed on it in gold and ivory. The golden skull with the teardrops stood out in stark contrast to the black background, and the tears of ivory shone in the clear moonlight with a dull glow.
sounds beautiful... I am a big fan of object descriptions added into the texts...makes it so visual!
Sendai stiffened suddenly. How on Toril did this male know?! He had put the emphasis on the words, ‘the former daughter’. However, the priestess was trained to dissemble her feelings. She returned, “I shall have you flayed for your presumption - there is nothing bothering me except you.”
“Your speech alters nothing. If you have finished gloating over my defeat, you may depart. Your very presence is nauseating”, she replied icily, having regained her composure during the short interval when Inglor was speaking.
I can hear Sendai very clearlyin this speach. Great character development!
Inglor realised that she was extremely proud, her haughtiness and arrogance approaching his own in quantity and quality. He sighed sadly and turned to go. At the head of the stairs from the roof, he turned and answered her, “I have to leave now to participate in the next stage of our plan against this Azrith. But, listen Sendai. I know the effect the demise of Bhaal has had on your clerical powers. I am perhaps the only one who knows it, and can suggest you a remedy. You assume that I wish to crow over your defeat and humiliate you. Nothing could be farther from the truth, for my only desire is to assist you in this business with all the power that is mine to command. If the Bhaalspawn cannot trust the Bhaalspawn, there is no hope for any of us. We shall talk about this on my return should you desire, if indeed I should return.”
she should do the same thing as Viconia - change her allegiance, I guess and swear fealty to another diety...
His voice had been quiet, yet it carried total conviction. However, with that Parthian shot, he was gone, leaving Sendai to wonder what exactly it was about this particular Bhaalspawn that she felt. She hated him for the harm he had done her, standing and her plans, she despised him for his lack of ambition as was shown by his failure to accept the power of Bhaal and destroying it without any qualms; but one part of her brain told her something else, something she could not comprehend. She growled in her throat at his retreating back, and turned away to witness the operation that was beginning to proceed in full effect.
she might yet come to respect him
Good story!
#3
Arcalian
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Posted 16 November 2003 - 04:11 AM
Heh. Somehow I don't think Sendai is redeemable like Viconia is. That doesn't mean she can't listen to reason, however.
I'm continuing to read this, and continuing to like it.
I'm continuing to read this, and continuing to like it.
The road to the abyss may be paved with good intentions, but it is those with bad intentions that race down that road as fast as they can.
#4
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Posted 16 November 2003 - 04:16 AM
I don't think he is actually after 'redemption' per se in the whole story. Rather after 're-evaluating' the positions of each Bhaalspawn involved and trying to settle for a truce based on the feeling of 'unity' - sort of like 'family values'. It might be closer to your Adrian's story in flavor and 'moral values' 
that say Ashes. 
that say Ashes.
#5
Laufey
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Posted 16 November 2003 - 10:37 AM
This was originally intended to be part of the Chapter 9. But it became too long and I think this is better as a different chapter, so I have separated the two chapters. I hope the board regulars and the moderators will forgive me for posting two chapters together.
Certainly.
I'll comment on the previous chapter along with this one, and say that I liked the tactical considerations you put in there, how the sheer numbers of the adversaries should overwhelm even people as powerful as these. Also liked Inglor's cold demeanor contrasted against Yaga-Shura. She drew her holy symbol from beneath her robes, raising it before her eyes and it glittered in the clear night, like another star. It was a beautiful piece of work, made by the skilled hands of the drow. The symbol itself was made of black enamel, with the insignia of her deity embossed on it in gold and ivory. The golden skull with the teardrops stood out in stark contrast to the black background, and the tears of ivory shone in the clear moonlight with a dull glow.
Ah yes...she would have lost her clerical powers now, of course. I really like seeing the Five get more personality than they had in the game.
She snapped out of her reverie. That cold, incisive, ironical voice could belong to but one person - Inglor. Though she had heard it only a few times, she was certain she could recognise it, even in her sleep. She snapped back frostily, “I did not ask you to come intruding into my solitude, male. Leave me be.”
Yeah...she wouldn't want to enjoy him witnessing her distress.
“Alas! If only that were the greatest of your troubles, sister, I would have been delighted. But you are wrong to rebuff my help in this instance, for though I know what troubles you, I have no desire to take advantage of it – rather I would wish to help you”, he answered her, this time with genuine concern and kindness lacing his voice.
She looked up at him, anger and bitterness vying for dominance in her eyes, “You are the cause of my present troubles. If only you had stopped your infernal meddling, I would have been …”
“Dead”, he interrupted her. “Believe me, that is the reward you would have got in the end for your services to Bhaal. He needed the essence in all of us and he would never have forgotten to take the essence of one as powerful as you. Of course, you might have been resurrected as his slave, but that would hardly have been more pleasant.”
He is of course quite right about that. I wonder if she will listen though.
“Your speech alters nothing. If you have finished gloating over my defeat, you may depart. Your very presence is nauseating”, she replied icily, having regained her composure during the short interval when Inglor was speaking.
Inglor realised that she was extremely proud, her haughtiness and arrogance approaching his own in quantity and quality. He sighed sadly and turned to go. At the head of the stairs from the roof, he turned and answered her, “I have to leave now to participate in the next stage of our plan against this Azrith. But, listen Sendai. I know the effect the demise of Bhaal has had on your clerical powers. I am perhaps the only one who knows it, and can suggest you a remedy. You assume that I wish to crow over your defeat and humiliate you. Nothing could be farther from the truth, for my only desire is to assist you in this business with all the power that is mine to command. If the Bhaalspawn cannot trust the Bhaalspawn, there is no hope for any of us. We shall talk about this on my return should you desire, if indeed I should return.”
Hm...would he suggest that she seek another deity to worship? If so, I wonder which one.
His voice had been quiet, yet it carried total conviction. However, with that Parthian shot, he was gone, leaving Sendai to wonder what exactly it was about this particular Bhaalspawn that she felt. She hated him for the harm he had done her, standing and her plans, she despised him for his lack of ambition as was shown by his failure to accept the power of Bhaal and destroying it without any qualms; but one part of her brain told her something else, something she could not comprehend. She growled in her throat at his retreating back, and turned away to witness the operation that was beginning to proceed in full effect.
Ah, really nice look into Sendai's head here. I wonder if she'll eventually gain a different outlook on life?
Rogues do it from behind.
#6
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Posted 17 November 2003 - 06:49 PM
This was originally intended to be part of the Chapter 9. But it became too long and I think this is better as a different chapter, so I have separated the two chapters. I hope the board regulars and the moderators will forgive me for posting two chapters together.
Ah, whichever way is more convenient to you.
Thanks. I was not too happy about posting two chapters of the story at once.
Sounds like a good reasoning.
"that the fewer involved" feels to me like something is missing. maybe "the fewer of them"
Good idea. I will change it at once.
sounds beautiful... I am a big fan of object descriptions added into the texts...makes it so visual!
Thanks for the complement.
I can hear Sendai very clearlyin this speach. Great character development!
She is a drow and rather ruthless.
she should do the same thing as Viconia - change her allegiance, I guess and swear fealty to another diety...
She will, but not yet. She is too proud at the moment.
she might yet come to respect him
Good story!
She hates and fears him at the same time.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Regards,
Maidros
#7
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Posted 17 November 2003 - 06:50 PM
Heh. Somehow I don't think Sendai is redeemable like Viconia is. That doesn't mean she can't listen to reason, however.
I'm continuing to read this, and continuing to like it.
Sendai is unlikely to be redeemed like Viconia. For one thing, Inglor is not too good an influence on anyone. For another, she has yet to learn the truth of her own kind completely.
Thanks for the complements and thanks for reading and commenting.
Regards,
Maidros
#8
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Posted 17 November 2003 - 06:52 PM
I don't think he is actually after 'redemption' per se in the whole story. Rather after 're-evaluating' the positions of each Bhaalspawn involved and trying to settle for a truce based on the feeling of 'unity' - sort of like 'family values'. It might be closer to your Adrian's story in flavor and 'moral values'
You are correct about my intentions Dorotea. It is more about survivalism rather than any change in alignments or nature. It is more about adaptation to the new life they have found.
Thanks for reading, commenting and answering Arcalian so correctly.
Regards,
Maidros
#9
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Posted 17 November 2003 - 07:06 PM
Certainly.
Yes that was the idea I wanted to convey. I do not want either my PC or anyone else to be invincible.
Ah yes...she would have lost her clerical powers now, of course. I really like seeing the Five get more personality than they had in the game.
All the five will be staying around for quite a long time, so hopefully they
will get some personality.
Yeah...she wouldn't want to enjoy him witnessing her distress.
Especially not him.
He is of course quite right about that. I wonder if she will listen though.
Not yet.
Hm...would he suggest that she seek another deity to worship? If so, I wonder which one.
He would but he is not going to suggest it until she is ready to do that.
Ah, really nice look into Sendai's head here. I wonder if she'll eventually gain a different outlook on life?
Possibly. But she is likely to be ruthless and stern, whatever else changes in her.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Regards,
Maidros
#10
Weyoun
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Posted 17 November 2003 - 11:57 PM
Sendai's Predicament
Sendai relaxed against the high parapet on the roof of the monastery, dispassionately eyeing the preparations for the work to be done that night. She herself had been asked to keep out of it, along with most of the others of the newly formed group. Inglor had pleaded with his siblings that the fewer involved in the endeavour, the less suspicion it would arouse among the mercenaries - who were probably watching the fortress - the better the chance for the plan to succeed. She had heard his ideas on how to deal with the rebellious mercenary captain and supported them, to the surprise of almost everyone.
MY, my, is she such a rebel, then?
She snapped out of her reverie. That cold, incisive, ironical voice could belong to but one person - Inglor. Though she had heard it only a few times, she was certain she could recognise it, even in her sleep. She snapped back frostily, “I did not ask you to come intruding into my solitude, male. Leave me be.”
Ah, Gold elf and Drow = Oil and water.
“Alas! If only that were the greatest of your troubles, sister, I would have been delighted. But you are wrong to rebuff my help in this instance, for though I know what troubles you, I have no desire to take advantage of it – rather I would wish to help you”, he answered her, this time with genuine concern and kindness lacing his voice.
Ouch. I bet that'll set her off.
His voice had been quiet, yet it carried total conviction. However, with that Parthian shot, he was gone, leaving Sendai to wonder what exactly it was about this particular Bhaalspawn that she felt. She hated him for the harm he had done her, standing and her plans, she despised him for his lack of ambition as was shown by his failure to accept the power of Bhaal and destroying it without any qualms; but one part of her brain told her something else, something she could not comprehend. She growled in her throat at his retreating back, and turned away to witness the operation that was beginning to proceed in full effect.
Spoken like a true Drow! Very nice characterisation!
Good story!
---Weyoun
TnT Enhanced Edition: http://www.fanfictio...rds-and-Tempers
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Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.
Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!
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"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi
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Sith Warrior - Master, I can sense your anger.
Darth Baras - A blind, comotose lobotomy-patient could sense my anger!
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"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds" - James Randi
#11
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Posted 18 November 2003 - 11:32 AM
MY, my, is she such a rebel, then?
All the Bhaalspawn are self willed. It is rare for them to agree on anything and it is a question of personal pride with most.
Ah, Gold elf and Drow = Oil and water.
Doubtless. They are not going to get along easily.
Ouch. I bet that'll set her off.
She will be angry and humiliated being offered help by a 'weak male'.
Spoken like a true Drow! Very nice characterisation!
Good story!
---Weyoun
Thanks. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Regards,
Maidros
#12
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Posted 18 November 2003 - 08:25 PM
[quote]
Sendai's Predicament
Sendai relaxed against the high parapet on the roof of the monastery, dispassionately eyeing the preparations for the work to be done that night. She herself had been asked to keep out of it, along with most of the others of the newly formed group. Inglor had pleaded with his siblings that the fewer involved in the endeavour, the less suspicion it would arouse among the mercenaries - who were probably watching the fortress - the better the chance for the plan to succeed. She had heard his ideas on how to deal with the rebellious mercenary captain and supported them, to the surprise of almost everyone.
[/quote]
She herself had been asked to keep out of it - The she herself doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps a rephrase to : 'She had been asked to keep herself out of it' or 'not involve herself personally'?
I would also suggest a 'therefore' before 'the better chance for the plan to..', since it is a consequence of the rest of the sentence, but it's entirely up to you
[quote]
The night was uncomfortably hot and she felt the stifling heat rather disconcerting – it was interfering with her concentration. It was not that she had any immediate job that required her attention, but the bodily discomfort caused her thoughts to wander interminably. From the roof, she had an excellent view of the entire town of Amkethran. She saw Abazigal fly over the monastery in his true form, initiating the operation envisaged by Inglor, but her thoughts were more on her own predicament rather than on the nuisance of the mercenaries. If the worst came to the worst here, she could talk her way out of this trouble, as the main grouse of these cutthroat soldiers was against Balthazar. Her own troubles were far more serious in comparison and it was this knowledge that had caused her greater concern.
[/quote]
the stifling heat rather disconcerting - I feel the need for a predicative verb here, but I am unsure. Perhaps add an 'was' before 'disconcerting'?
Her own troubles were far more serious in comparison - I am unsure of what you mean. Maybe I missed something in an earlier part, but here at least you don't hint at any trouble Sendai might have outside of being trapped in a besieged (or soon to be besieged) monastery. Perhaps you might want to clarify a little.
[quote]
She drew her holy symbol from beneath her robes, raising it before her eyes and it glittered in the clear night, like another star. It was a beautiful piece of work, made by the skilled hands of the drow. The symbol itself was made of black enamel, with the insignia of her deity embossed on it in gold and ivory. The golden skull with the teardrops stood out in stark contrast to the black background, and the tears of ivory shone in the clear moonlight with a dull glow.
[/quote]
Kiraunsalee?
skilled hands of the drow - the definite article is not needed here, methinks
[quote]
The silver chain that fastened it around her throat tinkled slightly at the disturbance, as she stared intently at it. But the most telling feature of the otherwise impressive holy symbol was the totally mundane feeling it bestowed. The insignia of a deity always carried some of the power of the god in question. A priestess of her power would have been able to radiate the aura of her deity with ridiculous ease, but even to her touch the symbol did not emanate any feeling of power. Sendai shook her head – it was useless and the drow was concerned about her future. The priestess was still lost in her own thoughts, when she heard a quiet voice behind her, “It is a lovely evening, my dear Sendai. I trust the stargazing is doing you some good.”
[/quote]
at it - She was not staring at the chain, so I suggest you use 'the medallion' instead of 'it'
Ah, I see her trouble, and Rilli would certainly sympathize, but I still think you should be clearer in the previous passage. 'The true nature of her troubles...'
[quote]
She snapped out of her reverie. That cold, incisive, ironical voice could belong to but one person - Inglor. Though she had heard it only a few times, she was certain she could recognise it, even in her sleep. She snapped back frostily, “I did not ask you to come intruding into my solitude, male. Leave me be.”
[/quote]
Perfect drow female response
[quote]
Inglor smiled cynically, “If my presence causes you so much distress, I shall leave you alone. I only desire to help you and I know what it is that dominates your thoughts, former daughter of Bhaal.”
[/quote]
Perhaps hint at why and howhis knowledge of her predicament would impress her? Maybe 'You need not hide from me', or something of the sort
[quote]
Sendai stiffened suddenly. How on Toril did this male know?! He had put the emphasis on the words, ‘the former daughter’. However, the priestess was trained to dissemble her feelings. She returned, “I shall have you flayed for your presumption - there is nothing bothering me except you.”
[/quote]
My, my, isn't she an angry one...Whom will flay him, I wonder?
[quote]
“Alas! If only that were the greatest of your troubles, sister, I would have been delighted. But you are wrong to rebuff my help in this instance, for though I know what troubles you, I have no desire to take advantage of it – rather I would wish to help you”, he answered her, this time with genuine concern and kindness lacing his voice.
[/quote]
have been -maybe present tense?
[quote]
She looked up at him, anger and bitterness vying for dominance in her eyes, “You are the cause of my present troubles. If only you had stopped your infernal meddling, I would have been …”
[/quote]
[quote]
“Dead”, he interrupted her. “Believe me, that is the reward you would have got in the end for your services to Bhaal. He needed the essence in all of us and he would never have forgotten to take the essence of one as powerful as you. Of course, you might have been resurrected as his slave, but that would hardly have been more pleasant.”
[/quote]
Very true
[quote]
“Your speech alters nothing. If you have finished gloating over my defeat, you may depart. Your very presence is nauseating”, she replied icily, having regained her composure during the short interval when Inglor was speaking.
[/quote]
When has she lost her composure? 'Tis but a small nick, but anger seems the emotion drow express best. She might not regard revelling in dreams of former power and glory and reproaching Inglor for getting in her way as an oversight. But then, she is your Sendai
[quote]
Inglor realised that she was extremely proud, her haughtiness and arrogance approaching his own in quantity and quality. He sighed sadly and turned to go. At the head of the stairs from the roof, he turned and answered her, “I have to leave now to participate in the next stage of our plan against this Azrith. But, listen Sendai. I know the effect the demise of Bhaal has had on your clerical powers. I am perhaps the only one who knows it, and can suggest you a remedy. You assume that I wish to crow over your defeat and humiliate you. Nothing could be farther from the truth, for my only desire is to assist you in this business with all the power that is mine to command. If the Bhaalspawn cannot trust the Bhaalspawn, there is no hope for any of us. We shall talk about this on my return should you desire, if indeed I should return.”
[/quote]
and can suggest you a remedy - I don't think 'you' is needd here.
[quote]
His voice had been quiet, yet it carried total conviction. However, with that Parthian shot, he was gone, leaving Sendai to wonder what exactly it was about this particular Bhaalspawn that she felt. She hated him for the harm he had done her, standing and her plans, she despised him for his lack of ambition as was shown by his failure to accept the power of Bhaal and destroying it without any qualms; but one part of her brain told her something else, something she could not comprehend. She growled in her throat at his retreating back, and turned away to witness the operation that was beginning to proceed in full effect.[/quote]
what exactly it was about this particular Bhaalspawn that she felt. - The phrasing is a bit awkward. Might I suggest 'What it was that she felt about this particular...' ?
her brain - Are we hinting at love? if so, you might want to make it come from somewhere else but her brain. If you don't want to go as far as 'heart' or 'soul' - maybe 'some part of herself' would be less cold
Melikes what is brewing I have an inkling I shall see more of Sendai, which makes me very happy Good story, and but for the few nicks, there was nothing I would go back on
[/quote]
Sendai's Predicament
Sendai relaxed against the high parapet on the roof of the monastery, dispassionately eyeing the preparations for the work to be done that night. She herself had been asked to keep out of it, along with most of the others of the newly formed group. Inglor had pleaded with his siblings that the fewer involved in the endeavour, the less suspicion it would arouse among the mercenaries - who were probably watching the fortress - the better the chance for the plan to succeed. She had heard his ideas on how to deal with the rebellious mercenary captain and supported them, to the surprise of almost everyone.
[/quote]
She herself had been asked to keep out of it - The she herself doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps a rephrase to : 'She had been asked to keep herself out of it' or 'not involve herself personally'?
I would also suggest a 'therefore' before 'the better chance for the plan to..', since it is a consequence of the rest of the sentence, but it's entirely up to you
[quote]
The night was uncomfortably hot and she felt the stifling heat rather disconcerting – it was interfering with her concentration. It was not that she had any immediate job that required her attention, but the bodily discomfort caused her thoughts to wander interminably. From the roof, she had an excellent view of the entire town of Amkethran. She saw Abazigal fly over the monastery in his true form, initiating the operation envisaged by Inglor, but her thoughts were more on her own predicament rather than on the nuisance of the mercenaries. If the worst came to the worst here, she could talk her way out of this trouble, as the main grouse of these cutthroat soldiers was against Balthazar. Her own troubles were far more serious in comparison and it was this knowledge that had caused her greater concern.
[/quote]
the stifling heat rather disconcerting - I feel the need for a predicative verb here, but I am unsure. Perhaps add an 'was' before 'disconcerting'?
Her own troubles were far more serious in comparison - I am unsure of what you mean. Maybe I missed something in an earlier part, but here at least you don't hint at any trouble Sendai might have outside of being trapped in a besieged (or soon to be besieged) monastery. Perhaps you might want to clarify a little.
[quote]
She drew her holy symbol from beneath her robes, raising it before her eyes and it glittered in the clear night, like another star. It was a beautiful piece of work, made by the skilled hands of the drow. The symbol itself was made of black enamel, with the insignia of her deity embossed on it in gold and ivory. The golden skull with the teardrops stood out in stark contrast to the black background, and the tears of ivory shone in the clear moonlight with a dull glow.
[/quote]
Kiraunsalee?
skilled hands of the drow - the definite article is not needed here, methinks
[quote]
The silver chain that fastened it around her throat tinkled slightly at the disturbance, as she stared intently at it. But the most telling feature of the otherwise impressive holy symbol was the totally mundane feeling it bestowed. The insignia of a deity always carried some of the power of the god in question. A priestess of her power would have been able to radiate the aura of her deity with ridiculous ease, but even to her touch the symbol did not emanate any feeling of power. Sendai shook her head – it was useless and the drow was concerned about her future. The priestess was still lost in her own thoughts, when she heard a quiet voice behind her, “It is a lovely evening, my dear Sendai. I trust the stargazing is doing you some good.”
[/quote]
at it - She was not staring at the chain, so I suggest you use 'the medallion' instead of 'it'
Ah, I see her trouble, and Rilli would certainly sympathize, but I still think you should be clearer in the previous passage. 'The true nature of her troubles...'
[quote]
She snapped out of her reverie. That cold, incisive, ironical voice could belong to but one person - Inglor. Though she had heard it only a few times, she was certain she could recognise it, even in her sleep. She snapped back frostily, “I did not ask you to come intruding into my solitude, male. Leave me be.”
[/quote]
Perfect drow female response
[quote]
Inglor smiled cynically, “If my presence causes you so much distress, I shall leave you alone. I only desire to help you and I know what it is that dominates your thoughts, former daughter of Bhaal.”
[/quote]
Perhaps hint at why and howhis knowledge of her predicament would impress her? Maybe 'You need not hide from me', or something of the sort
[quote]
Sendai stiffened suddenly. How on Toril did this male know?! He had put the emphasis on the words, ‘the former daughter’. However, the priestess was trained to dissemble her feelings. She returned, “I shall have you flayed for your presumption - there is nothing bothering me except you.”
[/quote]
My, my, isn't she an angry one...Whom will flay him, I wonder?
[quote]
“Alas! If only that were the greatest of your troubles, sister, I would have been delighted. But you are wrong to rebuff my help in this instance, for though I know what troubles you, I have no desire to take advantage of it – rather I would wish to help you”, he answered her, this time with genuine concern and kindness lacing his voice.
[/quote]
have been -maybe present tense?
[quote]
She looked up at him, anger and bitterness vying for dominance in her eyes, “You are the cause of my present troubles. If only you had stopped your infernal meddling, I would have been …”
[/quote]
[quote]
“Dead”, he interrupted her. “Believe me, that is the reward you would have got in the end for your services to Bhaal. He needed the essence in all of us and he would never have forgotten to take the essence of one as powerful as you. Of course, you might have been resurrected as his slave, but that would hardly have been more pleasant.”
[/quote]
Very true
[quote]
“Your speech alters nothing. If you have finished gloating over my defeat, you may depart. Your very presence is nauseating”, she replied icily, having regained her composure during the short interval when Inglor was speaking.
[/quote]
When has she lost her composure? 'Tis but a small nick, but anger seems the emotion drow express best. She might not regard revelling in dreams of former power and glory and reproaching Inglor for getting in her way as an oversight. But then, she is your Sendai
[quote]
Inglor realised that she was extremely proud, her haughtiness and arrogance approaching his own in quantity and quality. He sighed sadly and turned to go. At the head of the stairs from the roof, he turned and answered her, “I have to leave now to participate in the next stage of our plan against this Azrith. But, listen Sendai. I know the effect the demise of Bhaal has had on your clerical powers. I am perhaps the only one who knows it, and can suggest you a remedy. You assume that I wish to crow over your defeat and humiliate you. Nothing could be farther from the truth, for my only desire is to assist you in this business with all the power that is mine to command. If the Bhaalspawn cannot trust the Bhaalspawn, there is no hope for any of us. We shall talk about this on my return should you desire, if indeed I should return.”
[/quote]
and can suggest you a remedy - I don't think 'you' is needd here.
[quote]
His voice had been quiet, yet it carried total conviction. However, with that Parthian shot, he was gone, leaving Sendai to wonder what exactly it was about this particular Bhaalspawn that she felt. She hated him for the harm he had done her, standing and her plans, she despised him for his lack of ambition as was shown by his failure to accept the power of Bhaal and destroying it without any qualms; but one part of her brain told her something else, something she could not comprehend. She growled in her throat at his retreating back, and turned away to witness the operation that was beginning to proceed in full effect.[/quote]
what exactly it was about this particular Bhaalspawn that she felt. - The phrasing is a bit awkward. Might I suggest 'What it was that she felt about this particular...' ?
her brain - Are we hinting at love? if so, you might want to make it come from somewhere else but her brain. If you don't want to go as far as 'heart' or 'soul' - maybe 'some part of herself' would be less cold Melikes what is brewing
I have an inkling I shall see more of Sendai, which makes me very happy Good story, and but for the few nicks, there was nothing I would go back on [/quote]
#13
Guest_Maidros_*
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Posted 19 November 2003 - 06:59 PM
Shalom Merja,
Thank you so much for the review. It is exceedingly good and I am grateful to you for it.
Hmm. Yes. I will change it to 'she had been asked to keep herself out of it'. Thanks for pointing it out.
Yes, that is excellent. I will alter it. Thanks.
It is a rather unconventional way of putting things, but it is correct I think. I will check and see tonight.
You will find out about this later in this chapter.
No, just pa dearest.
No, here I am referring to the drow people in general. I thought the plural of drow was drow. I hope I am not mistaken.
You are absolutely right. Thanks for pointing it out. I had missed it completely.
Sendai is unlikely to appreciate sympathy . But you are right that she is in deep trouble. I also think you are correct about the part referring to her trouble. I will see how best it can be changed.
Thank you.
He was a little more delicate and referred to her as 'former daughter of Bhaal'. That was his clue to her.
She is trying to bluff her way out, but that is unlikely to succeed.
Not sure. I will check and see.
But she is not likely to be impressed with her reasoning.
No, it was the admission that she had lost her powers as a priestess. That was her loss of composure. She indirectly admitted that and she sees it as a fallacy, at least for now.
Old English I am afraid. I am addicted to it.
You are absolutely right. It is rather awkward phrasing. I have changed it as you suggested.
No, I am afraid Sendai is not going to come to love Inglor. She feels a grudging respect for him, but that is about the limit. This will come later in the story again.
Thanks. Thanks for reading, commenting and reviewing. The latter was invaluable.
Regards,
Maidros
Thank you so much for the review. It is exceedingly good and I am grateful to you for it.
She herself had been asked to keep out of it - The she herself doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps a rephrase to : 'She had been asked to keep herself out of it' or 'not involve herself personally'?
Hmm. Yes. I will change it to 'she had been asked to keep herself out of it'. Thanks for pointing it out.
I would also suggest a 'therefore' before 'the better chance for the plan to..', since it is a consequence of the rest of the sentence, but it's entirely up to you
Yes, that is excellent. I will alter it. Thanks.
the stifling heat rather disconcerting - I feel the need for a predicative verb here, but I am unsure. Perhaps add an 'was' before 'disconcerting'?
It is a rather unconventional way of putting things, but it is correct I think. I will check and see tonight.
Her own troubles were far more serious in comparison - I am unsure of what you mean. Maybe I missed something in an earlier part, but here at least you don't hint at any trouble Sendai might have outside of being trapped in a besieged (or soon to be besieged) monastery. Perhaps you might want to clarify a little.
You will find out about this later in this chapter.
Kiraunsalee?
No, just pa dearest.
skilled hands of the drow - the definite article is not needed here, methinks
No, here I am referring to the drow people in general. I thought the plural of drow was drow. I hope I am not mistaken.
at it - She was not staring at the chain, so I suggest you use 'the medallion' instead of 'it'
You are absolutely right. Thanks for pointing it out. I had missed it completely.
Ah, I see her trouble, and Rilli would certainly sympathize, but I still think you should be clearer in the previous passage. 'The true nature of her troubles...'
Sendai is unlikely to appreciate sympathy
. But you are right that she is in deep trouble. I also think you are correct about the part referring to her trouble. I will see how best it can be changed.Perfect drow female response
Thank you.
Perhaps hint at why and howhis knowledge of her predicament would impress her? Maybe 'You need not hide from me', or something of the sort
He was a little more delicate and referred to her as 'former daughter of Bhaal'. That was his clue to her.
My, my, isn't she an angry one...Whom will flay him, I wonder?
She is trying to bluff her way out, but that is unlikely to succeed.
have been -maybe present tense?
Not sure. I will check and see.
Very true
But she is not likely to be impressed with her reasoning.
When has she lost her composure? 'Tis but a small nick, but anger seems the emotion drow express best. She might not regard revelling in dreams of former power and glory and reproaching Inglor for getting in her way as an oversight. But then, she is your Sendai
No, it was the admission that she had lost her powers as a priestess. That was her loss of composure. She indirectly admitted that and she sees it as a fallacy, at least for now.
and can suggest you a remedy - I don't think 'you' is needd here.
Old English I am afraid. I am addicted to it.
what exactly it was about this particular Bhaalspawn that she felt. - The phrasing is a bit awkward. Might I suggest 'What it was that she felt about this particular...' ?
You are absolutely right. It is rather awkward phrasing. I have changed it as you suggested.
No, I am afraid Sendai is not going to come to love Inglor. She feels a grudging respect for him, but that is about the limit. This will come later in the story again.
Melikes what is brewing
Thanks. Thanks for reading, commenting and reviewing. The latter was invaluable.
Regards,
Maidros
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