"Stinkin' bleedin' tunnels," Korgan roared as he stormed through the maze of unruly cut out tunnels underneath Brynnlaw. "What be they keeping in 'ere?"

The pirates, meanwhile, were huddling together as closely as possible as they walked. Who said a pirate couldn't be afraid of the dark?

Elayne, who still smelled like rotten fish guts, was pondering why everyone was keeping such a distance from her, though, and scowled whenever someone gave her a look.

"AH!" sounded as Minsc once again slammed his head into the low ceiling. "This really hurts. They should make these tunnels Rashemi-sized, shouldn't they, Boo?"

"It would also be an option if thou wouldst just duck a little when thou dost spot a low ceiling coming up," Dynaheir said, nodding in Minsc's direction.

"Ah, that would work too," Minsc blushed.

"I looks like we have the advantage being the short ones," Jan told Korgan.

"This better nay be the beginning of another one of yer stories, Gnome."

"If you insist," Jan said. "You know, us short ones always want to be taller except when you're in a situation like this when you have to be in a dark shallow tunnel where the taller ones wish to be shorter."

"I don't want to be shorter!" Minsc replied. "Why, I wouldn't be able to hold my large sword!"

"And that would a cryin' shame! BOOOYAH!" shouted Lilarcor from Minsc's hands.

"Hmmm, well, that reminds me of my uncle Richie who was married to this halfling lass, you see? Well, this wouldn't be much of a story if she was something resembling a normal halfling. In fact, auntie Yellalot was an adventuring lass with somewhat of an allergy to short blades, which is quite a handicap for someone too stupid to be a wizard, too dull to be a cleric, too much of a lummox to be a thief and someone who's dense enough to be a fan of the horrible Avva, the horrid four Avariel singers with the equally crappy songs," Jan spoke cheerfully as he and Korgan trailed behind the pirates.

"Och, if ye start ' ummin' them, I'll smash yer face in," Korgan said, giving the gnome a harsh stare.

"Anyway," Jan continued unabashed and undistracted, "she really wanted to be somewhat of a fighter, so my uncle, being somewhat of an inventor in contrast, made her able to wield a great sword that was six times her size. So was born the first adventurer who travelled the realms on a tricycle. Richie made it so that the paddles of the tricycle not only move her forward, but also propelled the vertically placed greatsword mounted to her helmet, turning auntie Yellalot into a gleeful mobile killing machine."

"HAR HAR!" Korgan said. "That'll be a sight fer sore eyes. It be a way to lazily dispose o' scumbags while sitting back on yer chair and swillin' some grog."

"It went well for a couple of days, and she did especially well ramming against orcs, wyverns, worms and griffins. Unfortunately, she was not counting on driving down a hill the third day around. So, she screamed and she screamed as the blade started to turn so fast she took off into the air and flew across the city like a short, stocky, whirly comet that happened to be an obsessive Avva-fan. Well, I guess it was my uncle's fault for wanting to finish early to go drinking with his mates and never installed the brakes," Jan said.

" Aye, aye, I can be understandin' that," Korgan nodded. "Aye, one must be considerin' what be more important, no? Yer spouse's life or a nice, cold, delicious, frothing and tasty mug of ale. Easy choice."

"Well, she made quite a mess at the paladin's ball at the Order when she finally landed and drove straight through the gathering of normally tightarsed but now surprisingly fleet of foot knights. She decapitated the ice-statue of the dragon at the buffet, which happened to slide right into the latrine, quite startling the poor Sir Horrendously Virginal who was sitting on it at the time. Shame about the champagne too... and the buffet... and all the squires. But I guess that couldn't be helped, seeing how that blade kept spinning. Anyway, that's who the Order ended up with the Great Squire Shortage of '45. Of course, the way they tell the story, it involves two drunken Glabrezu's and a Drow taxi-cartist, so I guess they just couldn't handle the truth,,, either that or they just didn't want to admit why the gunk in the stables just rose higher and higher and higher while they frantically tried to attract idiots willing to do all their chores. Apparently, neither of the knights liked getting their hands dirty. The advert in the paper 'Squires asked, dung shovel will be issued at no extra cost' didn't help either to their everlasting surprise. So, in desperation, they decided to eat the horsedung with a sense of undulating relentlessness against the evil in front of their own front door," Jan continued.

"HAR! Pity Keldorn ain't ' ere. I'd be proddin' 'im fer some more stories about that."

"Anyway, that's how my family acquired the largest amount of horsedung in our long history, when they finally got so annoyed by the smell and taste but finally ate enough to unblock the front door again and decided to sell the rest. And we owe it all to a dullard halfling. How's that for a change, then, ey Korgie? Ey? You seem absent. I think I'll have to throw in some griffins next time."

"Nay, nay, I can wrap me mind around the concept of dung-eating paladins and the women who love them, but I keep thinking about that nice, cold, delicious, frothing and tasty mug of ale."

"Too bad," Dynaheir said. "Because we've passed this crossing five times already and we still haven't found anything."

"OY! Nay quite!" Korgan said and sped off towards a glint into one in the side-tunnels. Moments later, he returned triumphantly carrying a diamond in the rough... about the size of a grown man's fist.

"Wow," several of the pirates exclaimed at once, looking sullen for not having spotted it before the dwarf did. It would buy a whole lot of grog.

Korgan didn't blink and brought the diamond to his teeth, biting it briefly. "Yep, it's real."

"How dost thou know?"

"I broke one of me teeth," Korgan said, spitting out part of a molar. "Donnay worry. It be growin' back."

"Right," Dynaheir sighed. "So all we got in this dungeon is this diamond, that bamboo shaft we found lying in the back corridor and those bottles of saltpeter and sulphur Jan found. Maybe we could do something with it."

"Yes," Jan said. "Maybe we could make some sort of weapon out of it when we're being chased by a man in a crappy rubber lizard suit."

"Oh, hey!" One of the pirates suddenly shouted as she came across a chest. Immediately, the lady-pirate drew her knife and slashed the lock, opening the chest with glee to claim her prize. "It's... it's..." she said as she reached into the chest, "a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle."

"You find the strangest things in the strangest places, right Boo?" Minsc said.

"What's next?" Dynaheir muttered. "A harpoon entirely made out of popsicle-sticks?"

"Guys, I just remembered," one of the pirates spoke up. He was a scrawny fellow looking very frightened... and easily frightened. "You all remember the legend? How we found those tunnels already here when we started to build Brynnlaw? The legend of the creature that made these tunnels... The dreaded..."

"Oh, please," Elayne sighed. "Not THAT rot again."

"EL LAPINO DIABLO!"

The statement was met with many groans from his pirate friends. "You're on about that AGAIN?"

"Yeah, remember last time?" Elayne said. "When you thought saw a UFO and it turned to be just a sheep?"

"It was a government plot!" the scrawny pirate said. "I swear the Cowled Wizards are creating whole armies of Sheep-Warriors under Athkatla!"

"But El Lapino Diablo... he has many names. Godlepus, Son of Fluffy, Carrot Dracula, Flufftail Kruger, Alice Cooper..."

"Excuse me while I groan," Elayne said. "GRRRROOAAAAANNNN," she shouted out.

"He travels the lands for all who would eat or hurt his little brethren," the pirate said. "This huge white-furred terror moves across the island looking to drink the blood of the living after stomping them flat with his HUGE rabbit-feet. These... these tunnels are big enough to have been dug out by... EL LAPINO DIABLO!"

"Hey, we're close to my mansion," Elayne said. "I can hear the yipping of my piranha poodles! Maybe, if we can find our way to an exit there, we could still get the drop on Desharik and finish him off!"

Desharik kicked a table as he walked towards the latrine of the mansion he had stolen for himself. He grumbled as he remembered the talks with his evil pirates underlings he had had earlier today about the closing down of Galvana's festhall. With the proprietress dead and all the prostitutes spirited away there was little to reopen the festhall with, and the evil pirates weren't too happy about that at all. He considered himself lucky to have been able to get out of that room without his head getting cut off.

At a leisure pace, he walked to the latrine, unbuckled his trousers and sat down with a copy of The Jolly Roger Gazette, ready for his first moment of relaxation today.

"Look a brick wall..." the statement was suddenly interrupted by an echoing bellow bouncing of all the walls surrounding party and pirates.

Quick as a flash one pirate threw a torch at the brick wall, illuminating the passage beyond. A hideous, monstrous shadow appeared on the wall, which seemed malicious and menacing.

"AAAAAAH!" the scrawny pirate screamed. "It's EL LAPINO DIABLO! We're all gonna die!"

The lady-pirate screamed and threw her rubber chicken at the shadow. It slammed harmlessly into the wall.

"How are we going to defeat that?!" Dynaheir said as she regarded the monstrous shadow, seemingly belonging to a most hideous creature.

"Minsc has a sword!"

"I think we be needin' me axe fer this."

"No, wait!" Jan said. "This might not be a guy in a lizard suit, but this might work too," he said as he poured the saltpeter and sulphur into the bamboo. "Yoink," he said as he snatched the diamond out of Korgan's hands. After a collective effort to keep Korgan from killing Jan, Jan loaded his makeshift cannon and put it on his shoulder.

"DEATH TO THE TURNIPHATERS!" Jan shouted... Nothing happened.

"Light it first, dummy," Dynaheir sighed.

"Ah..." Jan said and did so.

As the diamond burst from the cannon, it sped towards the creature. Everyone awaited with baited breath as the burning diamond illuminated the cavern and revealed the monster.

"Nyao," said the 'monster' as the diamond flying over its head revealed it to be a rather curious black and white kitten walking through the caves.

The diamond in the meantime, slammed through the wall, leaving somewhat of a hole.

Desharik frowned as he heard strange noises below him, but thought nothing of it and continued to read.

"Oh, crap," Elayne gulped. "I, um, I just remembered..."

"Remember what?" Minsc asked. "Minsc is often forgetful. I'd forget my own hamster if he didn't bite me in the fingers whenever I do."

"I, um, I store gunpowder kegs in the basement next to the septic tanks," Elayne said.

"Oh, dear..." Dynaheir said.

"RUN!!!!" everyone shouted at once and made for a run as far into the tunnels as humanly possible.

Desharik frowned even more as the ground beneath his feet was rippling. 'Huh?' was the last thing that would ever cross his mind before the entire latrine exploded around him.

The force of the blast blew everyone off their feet, throwing the pirates into the walls and into the ground. Elayne groaned as she lay on her stomach, and was suddenly aware that the kitten was licking fishguts from her cheek. After picking up the tiny cat, Elayne sped back to the wall and, ignoring the smell, she found a hole in her mansion where her beautiful lavatory used to be.

"You and your El Lapino Diablo," Elayne snarled at the scrawny pirate and smacked him in the head. "Now, where's Desharik?"

"Oh, there he is!" the pirate said and pointed. "Oh, and there... and there he is too... and there's a bit of him dangling from the ceiling..."

"Hey!" Elayne smiled. "WE WON!!!"

"Ooh, glorious Boo!" Minsc said. "We won without having even used a sword!"

"Yeah, fun," a crestfallen Lilarcor responded.

Many cheers followed, and many disgusted looks followed as well after Korgan started to dig through the remains of the septic tank in hopes of finding his diamond.

Sendai left her library after a whole day of study to go back to her chambers to sleep. It had been a long day and she was aching for a few hours of sleep before diving into the books again. She loved the study of magic and retreated into the books at every opportunity, devouring every spellbook she could find. After having fed off scraps for the first 40 years of live, Sendai was very eager to devour everything in sight before the drought might hit again.

Sendai wasn't exactly happy with the prospects Melissan seemed to be offering her, despite Melissan and her four generals hadn't shared the particulars of the plan with her yet. But from what she had seen, she wasn't sure if she'd like it. Still, if the surface-world was anything like the Drow world, she had better be strong.

Just as she reached her room, she suddenly noticed the door to Diaytha's was open on a scar. And, even more to her surprise, she heard sniffling coming from inside.

Curious, the Drow moved to her friend's room and quietly slipped inside.

"Diaytha?" Sendai called out.

"Oh, oh, Mistress, I..." Diaytha obviously tried to compose herself. Even in darkness, Sendai could see the trails of her friend's tears over her cheeks. Her clothes were stained and her hair was a mess. There was also a strange smell upon her. "I was just..."

"Are you alright?" Sendai asked.

"Oh, I can't fool you, mistress," Diaytha sniffed. "I... I tried so hard. But... but they didn't listen. Why didn't they want to listen?"

"What happened?"

"I... I went back to Saradush, on my own," Diaytha sniffed. "I... I revealed myself."

"Why? Are you mad?" Sendai asked. "Those humans hate us for some reason."

"I... I wanted to preach the word of Lolth," Sendai said. "I went to a congregation of women at the marketplace and tried to tell them the Truth of Lolth, the Truth of Superiority of Females and Strength. But... they didn't even want to hear me out. They... they threw rotten fruit at me and then the guards came to chase me out of the city..." she sniffled again. "Why didn't they listen to me?"

"There, there," Sendai said and sat down next to her friend. "Humans are strange creatures."

"I mean, Lolth has so much to offer them! I mean, freedom of their oppression and freedom to gain their own power and control over others. And, it's not like Lolth is demanding! All they had to do was cut out the hearts of their husbands, sons or boyfriends and offer it to Lolth to enter Her church! Is that really so much of an effort?" Diaytha sniffled.

"No, it's a standard offering for any priestess, I see," Sendai said, trying to soothe over her friend's pain while still holding back her own aversion.

"I gave up," Diaytha said, "a position of high-priestess to come to the surface to preach the Truth of Lolth. I always wanted to spread culture and civilization among those inferior uncouth human barbarians... It's always been my dream... and this is how they treat me?!"

"Calm down," Sendai tried but noticed her friend was about to explode.

"YES!" Diaytha stood up. "If they do not accept it willingly then we force the Truth of Lolth down their throats! They're just ignorant! We'll have to use our mercenaries, mistress. When we force those fools to sacrifice their men while our soldiers hold their swords in their backs and then they'll see the truth! LOLTH BE PRAISED!"

"Ermm," Sendai gulped, "you can be very scary, you know that?"

"Why?" Diaytha blinked in confusion.

Jon Irenicus was enjoying a brief stroll in the cold air on the roof of Spellhold. He had hoped that it would help his hang-over, but so far he wasn't having much luck.

"What the devil is that?" he muttered as he noticed an explosion in Brynnlaw below. Immediately, his enhanced elven senses warned him of an approaching object from the night sky. Taking one step back, he allowed the object to plop down at his feet. Gingerly, he picked it up and held it out in front of him.

"It's a... slightly charred rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle," he whispered. Raising an eyebrow, he pocketed the thing for later use and went back inside.