"So," Laska asked Korgan as the group left Pai'na's hive behind them and proceded deeper into the ancient tomb, "what's so important about this book you're looking for?"

"About a month ago, me and me old mates were hired by a bloke called Pimlico, who collects books just fer the pleasure of collecting. Arcane, bizarre, peculiar... it matters not," Korgan said. "When the daft fool be hearin' of a curious map, chart or book 'e travels countless leagues to get 'is hands on it, and he nay be fearful to hire mercenaries who use... extreme measures to obtain the bloody things."

"Sounds like a nice fellow," Laska grimaced. "But I didn't think someone like you would consider a job like this. It's basically running an errand..."

"Aye," Korgan laughed. "But he be a collector. And obsessive collectors pay the best moneys of all!"

"Obsessive, eh?" Jan broke in. "I once had an aunty Ricky Jansen, who's only goal in life was to own the fattest cat in all the realms! So, after buying a kitten from the farmer's mart, she started the feeding process. Turkey, chicken, ham, pork, caviar, lard... All her savings and all her assets were called upon to buy only the best and greaziest foodstuffs in the realms. But still, after four years of feeding, Ricky still didn't think her cat was fat enough, so... she cracked and fed her cat everything in the house, the furniture, the roofing, the support beams, but to no avail... In her eyes, her cat was still not fat enough. So, she finally went completely bonkers and started to feed her cat," Jan paused a moment to shudder, "all the turnips too... And then we found her one day, a dried out husk of a woman, thin as a broomstick laying right next to cat whose only means of locomotion was to be rolled around by six gnomes. The cat ended up better than aunty Ricky, though. He now has a succesful career as a Trunip-stomper in the family turnipwine business..."

"Oh, be silent gnome!" Viconia snarled. "Korgan? This book is hidden in a dank crypt, obviously trapped and guarded, probably by undead. Why are we here, even?"

"Well....it'll take far more than a few shambling bags of skin and stitches to deter Korgan Bloodaxe from a king's ransom!" Korgan laughed. "A foolhardy jaunt into a hive of undead? How could ye resist?"

"Oh, I can think of at least one good reason not to," Laska said uncomfortably.

"Ah, yes," Korgan said. "Undead make ye hurl, eh? Just warn me next time, because I hate 'aving to treat me boots with lemon... again."

"I'll keep it in mind," Laska chucked. "Thank you for the sympathy, by the way."

"I hate to break up this most intelligent conversation," Viconia chuckled, "but I wonder what is in this book which warrants undead guardians?"

"It nay matters to me what lays 'twixt its skins," Korgan laughed. "I'll nae risk knowing I've bled for Drizzt's memoirs."

Viconia suddenly laughed. "Oh, if it was that blowhard's memoirs, one book would not be enough! He'd need a whole series of at least twelve volumes to tell his tale, completely blown up by a ghostwriter to boot. Why, I bet there could be a whole trilogy about his life in Menzoberranzan and his first steps on the surfacelands..."

"Hey, Vic," Laska chucked. "What was it that Dynaheir used to call Drizzt?"

"An obnoxious little twerp?" Viconia replied with a grin.

"That's the one..." Laska grinned.

"The book be called the Book o' Kaza," Korgan said. "It belonged to some fool bag-of-tricks who be tryin' to take over the Cowled Wizards. He be residin' here, after bein' fried by the wizzies and buried by his apprentices..."

"So, how'd ya figure that one out, Korgy?" Jan said. "The cowlies bury their secrets well. Better than a turnipbeetle does with its business, at least."

"It be all in city records," Korgan replied. "Ye can be sayin' a lot about those daft human pansies, but the bureaucrats... they be keepin' some pretty good writings in storage..."

After receiving an incredulous look from his companions, Korgan shouted, "Oy! I can read! Donnae act so surprised!"

A few narrow and damp passageways later, the companions reached a large chamber, lit with magical torches. The smell of death and decay assaulted their senses as they entered. Finding it bearable after a while, the group moved inside the chamber, which definately was a crypt. Several niches in the wall held the skeletal remains, of mages it seemed, since they were all clothed in robes adorned with arcane symbols. On the floor was a large mosaic artwork resembling a female noble, and even the most inept adventurer knew that mosaic held several deadly traps.

"How be yer undead detector, elf?" Korgan asked. "Be it time to buy lemons yet?"

"I'm not sure," Laska replied. "There are not many undead here. I still feel a bit queesy, but I'm nowhere near as nauseous as when I entered the graveyard in the first place."

"I must admit I had expected more of a welcoming reception in this chamber alone," Viconia mused.

"Ah, the undead must have heard Minsc's powerful bellow on the surface and turned tail!" Minsc said.

"No, minscey," Jan chuckled. "I don't think so. There's a vampire hiding behind that door."

As soon as the vampire knew he was discovered, he jumped out from his hidingplace to face his attackers. Laska noticed the vampire was already wounded, presumably by a large sword and considering the regenerative powers of the vampires, he must have been even more wounded a few days earlier. The vampire however, was in no way deterred from defending both himself and the crypt.

"A VAMPIRE!" Minsc bellowed, dropped his sword and grabbed twin maces from his belt. Faced with his racial enemy, Minsc stormed forward with determination. "RRRRRRRAAAAAARGGHHHH!!! MEET THE RIGHTEOUS FURY OF MINSC AND BOO!!!"

The vampire snarled, making an effort to intimidate his opponent. Unfortunately, being a short vampire had its disadvantages. As soon as the raging bull that was Minsc stormed towards the startled vampire, he cursed the day he came back from the dead. Even though the shadow of Minsc standing over him scared the vampire to no end, he decided to snarl one more time and to get at least one attack in... only to be pommeled silly by two maces. In the end, the 'poor' vampire didn't manage to attack Minsc even once while Minsc continued to slam down on him without mercy. Eventually, the vampire regressed into a gaseous state, condemned to scatter in the wind.

"Oy!" Korgan shouted. "Ye be leavin' somthin fer the rest o'us Minsc?"

"I am sorry, friend Korgan. Vampires frighten Boo so. It is best to deal with those evils quickly, lest Boo's fur turns white from fright!" Minsc said.

"Hey, look here!" Jan shouted. "Some of the traps on this floor-mural here have been disarmed."

"Recently?" Viconia asked.

"No way to tell," Jan replied. "The mechanism is old in itself, you see?"

"Well, never mind then," Laska said. "Let's get what we came for then!"

"I'll take point!" Jan said and shoved a pair of goggles in front of his eyes. He then began to walk carefully through the long winding tunnel, closely followed suit by his companions. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, they progressed deeper into the dungeon while Korgan became more and more agitated.

"Stop!" Jan suddenly spoke up. "See those floortiles? Trap..."

"Dried blood..." Viconia said as she examined a spot of reddish brown substance. "Less than three days old."

"So," Laska said. "Someone has been here then..."

Jan said nothing and went to work. He took a small toolkit from his belt and crawled on the floor. Carefully, he took a small instrument and carefully lifted one of the tiles. "Clever," Jan said. "Very clever. Look at the gearwork here. This is a self-resetting trap, working with pressure plates. Gnomish craftmanship at its finest."

"Yeah, yeah, very cute," Korgan stressed. "Just disarm it!"

After studying the mechanism for a while, Jan found the gear with would reset the trap. Carefully, very carefully, he emptied a small vail of acid on the rod keeping the gear in place. "Okay, stand back everyone!" Jan yelled as he carefully removed the offending gear. Immediately as the gnome rolled away, the trap sprung to life. A large axe mounted from the ceiling shot from the wall from its perch and slowly came to a halt. It was a grisly find still, since not only the axe came down, but also a fresh corpse which was impaled on it.

"Well, it seems we have found the owner of the dried blood," Viconia said to no one in particular.

"That be Roget Huriyas!" Korgan shouted. "Me old party's bag-of-tricks! He always was an impatient bastard!"

"You knew hi..." Minsc started to ask, but could never finish his statement. Korgan immediately sped forward to the tunnel."

"Korgan! Wait!" Laska shouted after him. "There could be more traps!" Sighing heavily, Laska ran after the enraged dwarf. Trap or no trap, Laska wasn't about to let a friend face some of the undead that might still be wandering about, alone.

Fortunately, there were no more traps to deal with and Laska found Korgan standing into another large chamber, obviously the burialchamber. It was considerably smaller than the antechamber they entered through, but it was adorned in much the same manner. A pile of slaughtered mummies lay scattered throughout the chamber, and standing next to an empty coffin, was a very, very angry Korgan.

"This tomb looks to be looted! The rank, stinking bastards beat us here! Those scoundrels'll dine on me sup of cold steel 'afore I'm through with 'em!" Korgan shouted while practically jumping up and down with rage. "If we nay had been traipsin' through that dad-blasted beholderhole we would 'ave gotten here first!"

"Korgan, I..." Laska tried to say.

"Thrice over their graves I'll be dancing, I swear! Stolen from under me! I do the work of ferreting out where the blasted book will be, and those crackgnats take it away!" Korgan shouted. It was then that Laska noticed another pressure-plate.

"Korgan, look out!"

But to no avail. Korgan was to angry to hear and one of his feet landed squarely on top of the pressure-plate. Immediately a chain of lighting shot through the room and hit both dwarf and elf simultaniously. And, unfortunately, chainmail and platemail were made from metal.

Laska felt a bit dazed and could sense all the hair on her head was electrically charged and standing up from the top of her head in straight lines. Korgan had worse problems. Not only was his hair standing up, but his beard was charged into just every direction too, making him look much like a fuzzy ball of gray hair. Laska could also swear there was smoke coming out of his ears... The uncontrollable laughter echoing from the walls of the chamber let elf and dwarf know in no uncertain terms that Viconia had entered the room as well.

"Och," Korgan sighed and crawled to his feet. "Remind me never ta do somthin' like this again..."

"Ditto," Laska agreed.

"Ey, lass?"

"Yes?"

"Be that lot laughin' at us?"

"Who else? Did two other dorks just get their butts fried?"

"I nay be knowin' fer sure."

"Then they're laughing at us..."

"Ye think we might be able to get the book back from me old party?"

"Well, it's better than sitting here and being laughed at by a gnome, a Drow, a beserker and a hamster."

After a short and uneventful trip back through the passages, the friends, to their great relief, arrived back on the surface. Immediately, Korgan suggested to go to the home of Pimlico in the temple district, in the hopes of catching his former companions before they arrived there. After some discussion, Laska agreed with Korgan's plan.

"Say Korgan," Laska asked while they made their way through the winding streets of Athkatla. "Who are these former companions of yours?"

"Och," Korgan replied absentmindedly. "They be a right bunch of nitwits, alright. Most of them were longlimbs and there was one halfling. And ye already met me ole party-mage... The one ye must be careful with is Shagbag. Madder than a hatter that one be..."

"Why did you leave that group, Korgan?" Viconia asked. "I should think you would feel right at home between madmen and wanton killers."

"Aye, and ye be right darkskin," Korgan chuckled. "But there be a fine line between greed, rage and madness, darky."

"You have standards, Korgy?" Jan laughed. "Quick, the world must be coming to an end!"

"Oy!" Korgan retorted. "Thar be things even I would nay do! Trust me, you would be sayin' the same if ye knew them. Donnae get me wrong, I like plantin' me axe in a skull as much as the next dwarf, but they be a load of maniacs! I wouldnae suprise me if they ate their victims too..."

"You left that group because of a... moral conviction?" Jan chuckled.

"Here it be!" Korgan shouted as they entered the temple district, deftly avoiding Jan's line of questioning. "Let us be inside and find out if we still be needin' to find Shagbag."

And inside they went... It didn't take long before they found Pimlico and his loyal guards. All dead.

"Aye," Korgan sighed while standing over their bodies. "Now ye be seeing what I be talkin' about. They be collectin' the fee, killed the poor bugger who paid the bounty and then took the book again. A big no-no in the bountyhuntin' bizz."

"This is vile!" A shaken Minsc said. "The evil people who have done this must meet with the fist of justice, as well as the hamster of virtue."

"Nice people you travelled with, Korgan," Laska sighed. "I think we best be off. If the guards find us here, heavily armed and armored..."

"We'd be burned at the stake..." Viconia finished.

"Yep, no turnips for us for a week then," Jan added. Laska was just happy Keldorn wasn't here. He would have probably gone on a rampage...

"We'd best be payin' a visit to the Copper Coronet. I've a strong inklin' that the motley crew ain't even out of town just yet. They'll be living the good life 'bout now," Korgan chuckled wryly. "They probably be out on the roof with their drinks. Bernard dinnae want them inside anymore after... some mysterious deaths in the backrooms. Shagbag almost be killin' one of the pleasureslaves last month. Poor lass almost bled to death on the carpet."

Slowly, Laska and her companions left the murderscene behind to find Shagbag....

"Argh!" Viconia shouted as a rotten wooden board in the staircase gave way under her foot and she almost fell through. "I hate slums," she muttered as she was helped to her feet by Minsc.

"Oh," Jan chuckled. "You're just overweight, Vicky. That same board held me many times."

"I'll let you know my figure is perfect, gnome," Viconia said. "It was probably your grotesk bulk that softened up that board."

"Hey," Laska shouted. "Will you two shut up? The bloody buggers are sitting there, right by the fire."

Laska stepped on the roof first, but even though she had a quiet step and the five uncouth men were quite drunk, she was still noticed.

"Hey, wasss hhhave we here!" A smelly man said. "Lookit that elfy! Woohoo! You lookin' for a good time, baby?"

"If I was," Laska chuckled, "I wouldn't be here..."

The smelly man was mocked by all his 'friends', but that did not deter him from shooting Laska a brown-toothed grin. "Oh, a spirited elfy! How..."

"I be seein' little has changed yer candor, Shagbag," Korgan said as he stepped up from behind the tattooed elf. "Still a lant-gulping scumsucker."

"Speak of the undersized broadarse and what should waddle in?" The smelly man named Shagbag laughed. "I was just remarkin' ta Crazyface and Scrooloose that it's a shame there's no dwarf tossin til next moonsday."

"Ye know, there's nothin' that ails ye that I can't fix with me axe, ye wormeater..." Korgan retorted.

"You don't scare me, dwarfy. Do I look scared here fellahs?" Shagbag turned to his group, who vigorously shook their heads. "Okay, now that's settled you can bugger off! I've some highlife to live with the lads... and this elfy here!"

"This 'elfy'," Laska menaced, "would rather stick her head in a beehive than to spend any time with you which is not spent fighting..."

"Ye be hearin' the lass. Me and me new allies here have come to beat the crap out o' ye!" Korgan shouted.

"You are evil people!" Minsc shouted. "Prepare to feel the boot of justice firmly rammed up your buttocks."

"Like my aunty Gladys used to say : 'Run for the hills. Pick up your turnips and hope for the best!' Not a very brave thing you say, mind you, but effective nontheless..." Jan chuckled.

"Oh, be silent, gnome," Viconia snapped. "Just raise your weapon. It seemed Laska and Korgan have provoked our group into doing battle... again."

"Then set your fury on the ground and we'll see if it stands up," Shagbag grinned and pulled out his club. "I doubt it muchly. But what can you expect from an elf... and a woman elf at that..."

Laska's eyes burned with fury as she drew her two longswords. Ipsiya glowed a steady blue, reflecting an eerie glow upon the scene.

"Uh... killin' then?" A not-so-bright halfling thief asked.

"Yes, you blummin' idiot!" Shagbag shouted. "Killin'!"

Unfortunately, due to their ibreviation, Shagbag and his companions were too slow to react to their new opponents. In an instant, Laska was upon Shagbag and slammed Ipsiya down on his club, causing it to fly from his hands. Jan was charged by two of Shagbag's companions, but a quickly cast 'grease-spell' but a stop to their charge. The two screaming men slid past a laughing Jan and crashed into the wall behind the gnome, falling unconscious on impact.

A grinning male wielding a serrated dagger was upon Viconia. The Drow looked on impassively as the man made many an impressive slice through the air. Still smiling, Viconia thrust her hands forward, releasing her magical energy onto the man, who suddenly found himself unable to move. This time, it was Viconia's turn to grin. She approached a very frightened male and slammed the handle of her flail in the back of his head. And the man, well, didn't fall down, but was still unconscious.

The halfling thief made a brave attempt to tackle Minsc, but it was to no avail. The large ranger grabbed a barrel and put it over the startled halfling. Ignoring the loud protests of the angry halfling, Minsc sat down on the top of the barrel and started to pet Boo, thanking him for the great idea the hamster had given him.

In the meantime, Laska and Shagbag were standing at the edge of the roof. A nervous Shagbag made a vain attempt to engage Laska with some clumsy attacks with his fists, but every blow was blocked by the tattooed elf. A quick glance past Shagbag magically conjured a wicked grin on Laska's face. With the speed of lightnings, Laska slammed a mighty blow against Shagbag's jaw, causing him to fly backward and off the roof, only to land... in a passing cart carrying fresh manure...

As the party moved to the edge of the roof to laugh at Shagbag, they heard the voice of the driver of the cart. "OY!" he shouted. "You filthy bugger! Get off my cart, yer making all my fresh manure dirty!"

"Uncle Eggbert! Hello!" Jan shouted to the driver.

"Eh?" The gnome looked up. "Oh, Jannie! Hello!"

"Is that the new batch of turnipfood?" Jan asked merrily. "Gee, I hope that Shagbag didn't mess it up."

"OY!" The party heard an angry dwarf shout from behind. "Did yer daft ole mothers nay learn ye the virtue o' sharin'?! The fight be over already, and I even NAY GOT TO USE ME AXE!"

"You seem happier now, Korgan," Laska said.

"Aye, lassie, aye," Korgan laughed. "Of course the golders we got from runnin' in Shagbag did help a lot ta improve me mood... And the book is ours to sell as well!"

"I don't know about that, Korgan," Viconia said while leafing through the book of Kaza. "There's some descriptions of powerful magics in this book. It might be worth more to hang on to it. At least for a while."

"Ach," Korgan replied. "I nay care... Come on, laddies and lassies, lets go get that daft old longlimb Keldorn and get to celebrating!"

They came upon the building of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart. The place looked more like a temple than a guildhouse, but perhaps that was to be expected. The interiour was even more lavish than the exteriour. It seemed the floor most almost like a mirror, reflecting in the sunlight which entered through the small windows. Everywhere were knights standing, chatting, sparring or otherwise engaged in knightly activities. Laska's motley crew literally stood out in the crowd here, and Viconia was especially nervous as it seemed most knights directed their gaze on her. The Drow knew very well that the only thing stopping the knights from attacking her was the fact that she assisted in the destruction of the beholder cult. She did her best to keep a low profile and decided it was perhaps wise to keep her mouth shut as well. Korgan and Laska, in the meantime, were looking at the various statues.

"Sir Charles Radcliffe... Dragonslayer..." Laska read from the plaque.

"He looks like there be somethin' up his bottom, HAR HAR!" Korgan laughed.

"Sir Borus Dulles... Orator and Diplomat..." Laska read.

"Now this lad looks like there be comin' somethin' out of his bottom, HAR HAR HAR!" Korgan's laugh eccoed through the guildhall.

"Oh?" Laska asked. "How about that bloke there. He's got a face like a donkey... and a fat and ugly one at that."

Several gasps of disbelief were followed by the stares of a lot of angry knights.

"Just to let you know," Viconia said smugly, happy that now all eyes were turned away from her, "that's a statue of Tyr..."

"Oh." Laska said sheepishly and moved through the sea of angry knights, only to find Keldorn in one of the backrooms. Laska immediately noticed the difference in his step and demeanor. To her he seemed more... alive...

"My friends! I am the bearer of good news!" Keldorn said happily. "Lady Maria and I have made our peace! Once I am no longer honorbound to your cause, I shall settle down with my family on our estate and submit my resignation to the Order!"

"Huh?" Laska replied. "Who's Lady Maria? And why are you retiring?"

Keldorn directed his gaze on Viconia and Korgan. "You didn't tell her?" he asked.

"I don't believe this!" Laska fumed. "Nobody tells me anything! What am I? Chopped liver? I like to hear the latest gossip too!"

"I thought you told her?" Viconia said to Korgan.

"Nay, Darkskin!" Korgan said. "It was yet job to be tellin' the lass!"

"MY job?" Viconia replied. "How'd you get that idea, hargluk."

"Ye said ye were gonna tell her!" Korgan retorted.

"I'm quite sure I did not..." Viconia spat.

"Well, if ye weren't a daft Drow..."

"And if you weren't such an ignorant pig..."

"See what I have to work with, here?" Laska whispered to Keldorn. "Come on. It seems we all have some celebrating to do..."

And then the shouting match started. Soon the voice of Drow and Dwarf could be heard through the halls of the Radiant Heart. And the gods themselves cringed at the sounds of the cuss-words those two used...

Acknowledgements: The bit about the statues was inspired by a scene in Acquired Tastes by Luned, where Tisha and Nalia were looking over the statues in the RH. ---Weyoun