Cards Reshuffled

Let’s clear a few things up, for those who need it. The female barbarian in skimpy armor is a myth. If she didn’t freeze to death, she’d soon get killed in battle. Many males are also the helpless victims of other myths about feminine fashion, and if they don’t learn the truth they’re likely to get seriously disappointed with women in general. Certain items of clothing that they find attractive in the bedroom simply don’t work on the road.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“This does it! I will go nowhere else until I have the chance to get properly outfitted!” Edwina tossed her long dark hair back across her shoulder in what she had to admit was a very satisfying gesture, and gave her companions a commanding look. Travel in the countryside had been bad enough, but now that she was back in Athkatla things were really getting intolerable. Her old robes didn’t fit her at all any longer, but there was nothing else for her to wear. Her female traveling companions didn’t have many changes with them, not surprising since they had only so very recently been imprisoned in a dungeon, and they weren’t the right size anyway. It was clear and obvious that shopping was necessary, and that had given her a very nice idea. “I think perhaps I might benefit from some company while I see about getting attired in a manner suitable for my station,” she said, giving Zaerini a sidelong look. “Some female company. To assist me in making the proper selections. (And perhaps I can even persuade her to model a garment or two for me. Or an undergarment.)” At least she could profit a little bit from her misery. So far, the temples they had visited had been able to do exactly nothing about her condition, though she certainly didn’t intend to give them up until they had checked every single one in Athkatla.

“Sure, I’ll come,” the half-elf said. “You probably need it. And I guess I could do with a thing or two myself. Jaheira, do you want to come as well?”

The druid shook her head. “No, child. I have some errands of my own to take care of. I will see you later at the Copper Coronet.” She looked calm, but there was something about her voice… Edwina gave the Harper a sharp look. More Harper intrigues? That one bears watching.

“Minsc will come!” Minsc said. “He will protect his Witch against the Evil of Rampaging Shoppers, and send them to the Final Sale. And he will help carry the packages too, as long as we can stop to buy a brush to keep Boo’s fur shiny and silky.”

“Say…” Jan said, giving the ranger a sly look. “You really shouldn’t take Boo with you into a madhouse like Waukeen’s Promenade, Minscey! Why, he could get crushed! Let him come with me to visit my family instead, he’ll get as much turnip as he can eat.”

“No!” Minsc growled, clutching his hamster protectively to his chest. “Minsc doesn’t trust you with Boo, you keep eying him greedily.”

“But…”

“Leave Boo alone, Jan,” Zaerini said. “Anomen, how about you? Are you coming with us?”

No! No, please no! Anything but the Helmite, not in my present condition! He’ll try to take advantage of it in order to get close to her!

Anomen hesitated for a moment. “I would like to, my lady,” he said. “However, I feel the need to visit the Temple, it has been some time. Might I perhaps ask for the boon of your gracious company later today instead?”

No! Just say no!

“Um…I guess,” Zaerini said. “Sure.”

Damn.

There was a small hand tugging at Edwina’s nose chain, and as she turned her head she noticed Insufferable grinning at her. Don’t you worry, boss! The monkey sounded supremely confident. The pretty cat lady wants you. Say, have you tried marking your scent around her yet?

I’m probably going to regret asking this, but exactly what do you mean by ‘marking my scent’?

You don’t know? Gee boss, you’re really in need of help. Here, I’ll show ya!

No! Don’t…

Too late. The tiny monkey had jumped off Edwina’s shoulder and onto the ground, and proceeded with the demonstration. The rest of the party watched in silence.

“Edwina?” Zaerini said after a few seconds. Her voice sounded rather edgy, not a good sign at all. “Perhaps you can explain to me why your monkey is peeing in a circle around my feet? Is this some sort of weird magical ritual I’ve never heard of?”

Insufferable, when I catch you I will kill you. “Ah…yes!” the wizard tried, attempting a convincing smile. “It is, actually. It’s a…a magical circle of protection against all danger! Very powerful, very exclusive. I wouldn’t use it on just anybody, you know.”

“Oh, I guess that makes sense.”

“It does? I mean…of course it does!”

“Yes. The smell would certainly keep most people at a certain distance at least as long as I stand still in one place.”

Anomen snorted, giving the monkey a disdainful look. “That beast is probably as rabid as its owner,” he said. “It should be put down before it bites somebody.”

Insufferable hissed angrily, and then made a derisive bird-like sound. Oh yeah? Take this, helmet-head!

“Argh!” Anomen screamed, trying to step on the animal, but failing spectacularly as the nimble little monkey leapt aside, rapidly jumping onto Edwina’s arm where it perched and made rude noises at him. “That…that thing just soiled my boots! I will squash it like…”

Edwina didn’t even pause to think. She simply stepped forward, scowling up at the angrily red face of the cleric, and when she spoke her voice was a low and deadly hiss. “Lay as much as a finger on my familiar and I will assure that you soil your boots even as I use my magic to tie you in a knot tight enough that your view of the world will always be limited to the up-close sight of your own fat posterior.” Insufferable stuck his tongue out at Anomen, then imitated the position suggested by the wizard, showing Anomen his tail-end. That should tell him. Annoying as the monkey is, he is my familiar.

Anomen was quite purple by now, and he was trying to draw breath as his hand itched closer to the Flail of Ages. Edwina tried not to think about how it would feel if those spikes impacted with her head.

“Anomen!” Zaerini shouted, pushing in between the wizard and the cleric. Her eyes were flashing angrily, and her red hair was practically giving off sparks. “How could you threaten a poor little animal? I know he behaved badly, but really!” She petted Insufferable, and the monkey rubbed himself against her finger, crooning adorably, and then gave Anomen a triumphant smirk behind her back. “And you,” the bard went on, rounding on Edwina, “had better not be the one who put him up to that or I’ll get very annoyed with you.”

“What? Me? I would never…”

“Oh, spare me. Now come on, we need to get that shopping done before it gets dark. See the rest of you guys later.” The half-elf neatly tucked her hand beneath Edwina’s arm, and then walked off, Minsc amiably trailing after them.

Am I a genius or am I a genius? Insufferable proudly asked.

You’re an annoying pest, that’s what you are.

Aw, come on, boss! It worked, didn’t it? She’s not really all that angry with you, and she adores me. Next time you try it. She’ll probably pet you too.

Edwina sighed. She knew that a mage would suffer greatly if his or her familiar got killed, but right now she almost felt it might be worth it.

The journey back to Athkatla had been a pain, of course. She was still trying to get used to this new and unfamiliar body that she had found herself trapped in, and though she was at least beginning to get a better sense of how to use it, that gave her no pleasure. Because this isn’t me. It isn’t how I am meant to be. True, she had spent quite some time admiring her female form in a mirror, and it was certainly an attractive one. And pleasurable as well under the right circumstances, she certainly hadn’t passed up the opportunity for some active investigation in private. Once I turn back to normal, that could prove very useful. First hand experience of just what pleases a woman…yes, very useful indeed. That Helmite is the sort who’d just jump on top of her, please himself and grunt like a pig, and expect her to be satisfied with that. Once I turn back I’ll show her how a Thayvian man can satisfy a woman. If I turn back, that is. If. And that was what was worrying her more with every passing hour. Her magic had proved useless against the Nether Spell, and she had found nothing to help in the scroll itself. The priests she had seen had shrugged, or thrown their hands into the air, or in one case even laughed. Though that one wasn’t likely to laugh at his petitioners again until he got himself healed, not with all the missing teeth and the broken nose.

Suppose I can’t change back? Suppose I’m stuck like this forever? Stuck as somebody to be laughed at, ridiculed? She felt a sharp pain behind her eyes as she contemplated this, along with a tightness in her stomach. Fear, twisting her insides painfully. Briefly she snuck a glance at her companion. Zaerini was looking contentedly at the crowds of people they passed through, fascinated by the life and bustle. Her flame-red hair swung lightly this way and that as she kept turning her head to look curiously at something new and fascinating. My Hellkitten…she will not laugh at me. Not that way, not for real. I almost could fool myself into believing that she would not care which form I’m in…but I do! I don’t want her coming to me out of pity. And she deserves the real me, and nothing less. I just have to get back into my proper shape. She sighed, wishing not for the first time that she’d been able to discuss her plight with her teacher. Teacher Dekaras wouldn’t laugh at me either. He might have a thing or two to say about my casting a spell without having finished my research properly…but he’d never laugh at me. He’d listen to me, and he’d think of some way to fix this, or at least he’d be able to say something to make me feel better about it all. He always does. I wish he were here right now.

About an hour later, Edwina had found yet another reason to long for her mentor’s presence. She knew full well that the assassin detested shopping, unless it involved things like weapons, books, or rare poisons. Clothes and shoes bored him practically to tears, but if he was present Edwin always tended to get a discount from the shopkeepers without even asking for it, simply so the assassin would stop unnerving them by glaring at everything in sight, not to mention scaring the other customers off. Well, discount or not, she had still found herself a number of satisfying items. Enough red cloth that she’d be able to make herself the perfect stylish mage robe, and of fine quality too. Magic for the routine stitches in order to spare time, but the finer work needs to be done by hand. Not quite as much gold thread as I’d like, but it will have to do. I can always buy more later. She knew that she was capable of instilling a few basic enchantments in the cloth, protection against fire and the like, the usual things. And she had a perfect model in mind, something that she was certain would suit her admirably. How could I possibly go wrong? After all, I know exactly what looks good on a woman, it’s simple enough to acquire the same things.

“Edwina?” Zaerini said, coming around a corner with a few packages in her arms. “Did you find what you were looking for?”

“Of course! It may not be Thayvian work, but it will have to do. (And I must admit it, being able to simply walk into a shop supplying feminine undergarments without feeling embarrassed is a novel experience.) Here, let me show you.” Edwina proudly held up the things she had bought, and waited for the exclamations of stunned approval. When they failed to materialize, she gave her companion a puzzled look.

Zaerini was staring at the undergarments in question, her golden eyes wide with a mixture of shock and amusement. Eventually she tentatively poked them, as if checking to see if they were actually real. “Edwina…” she said. “How familiar are you with what is comfortable to wear for a woman? Honestly?”

“Comfortable?” Edwina asked blankly. “Comfortable? What an incredibly boring way of looking at it! Feminine forms should be proudly displayed to their full advantage, using every trick available. (Not that either of us need tricks as such, since we’re already stunning and perfect in every way, but it can’t hurt either.)”

“I see,” the half-elf said, rubbing her temple. “Well, I guess I’m glad that you’re still thinking like a man, but I’m afraid you’re in for a nasty surprise or two. Just look at these things! That they’re all red is one thing, apart from the black ones. But really, Edwina…sequins?”

“They’re sparkly!”

“Yes…but there are even sequins on the inside of this thing!”

“So?”

“Edwina…sequins itch! And your skin will be…” The bard suddenly blushed a little. “Er…your skin in your chest area is very sensitive. You don’t want sequins rubbing it. The one made from itchy lace is a bad idea for the same reason. And the one with…with holes in it is also an extremely bad idea, but for an entirely different reason. And what’s this thing?” She held up another of Edwina’s purchases, looking utterly disbelieving. “Do you really mean to walk around with a…a piece of string up your butt?”

“It’s not string!”

“It might as well be!”

“It just so happens,” Edwina huffed, “that I will look absolutely ravishing in it. I thought…” She looked away, feeling a little hurt. “I thought you would like that.”

Zaerini’s eyes softened, and Edwina couldn’t help staring helplessly into them, feeling as if she were about to drown. The smile that the half-elf gave her was tender and mischievous at the same time, as well as a little sad. “You always look ravishing. Always. You don’t need to wear instruments of torture in order to prove it to me. I don’t really want you to get some sort of nasty fungal infection, you know.”

Edwina nodded, filled with confusing emotions. She wanted to believe that the bard might care for her equally in her current form, but she didn’t quite dare to. A rejection now, when she was already vulnerable…that would hurt too much. Privately she resolved that she would hold her tongue for now, and work even harder on getting rid of the curse. I want her so much…but not like this. She deserves the real me, giving her all the pleasure I can.

Privately, in her room that night after having tried her purchases on for a long while, Edwina also resolved never, ever to buy any string-like undergarments again. Not even on pain of death. Clearly, this ‘being a woman’ thing was more complicated than she had previously thought.