Cards Reshuffled

In adversity you tend to learn a great deal, whether from your own reactions or those of other people. Not that it outweighs the actual hardships, but it can at least be a small compensation.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

Minsc didn’t understand. This wasn’t unusual, and it usually didn’t bother him greatly. The world was a complicated place, with complicated people doing complicated things. Minsc wasn’t a complicated person, and so he tended to be perfectly happy most of the time, and unlikely to worry about the strange and complicated things that the complicated people worried about. Besides, Boo would handle the complicated things and point him in the proper direction for kicking Evil butt, or his Witch would. But in this case he felt he ought to try his best to understand, since it was clearly a matter of great importance to his Witch. She had tried to sound calm as she explained it all, but he could tell that she was nervous.

“May Minsc and Boo ask a question?” he said, raising his hand.

“Of course,” Zaerini said, raking a hand through her red hair. “What is it?” She was smiling at him, which was good, but she looked tired too, which was not good. Boo suggested that he should make sure she got more sleep, which sounded like a good plan. The Evil Wizard mustn’t be allowed to keep her up all night with whatever it was Evil Wizards did when they were not sleeping or plotting Evil Plots. Then Minsc realized that his Witch was still waiting for an answer, so he cleared his throat, concentrating carefully to make sure he got everything just right.

“Boo does not understand. It is not as though the scoundrel will be missed, but where has Edwin gone and who is this woman that wears his clothes?”

The woman in question didn’t seem particularly pleased about this innocent question. She was a fairly tall dark-haired woman, quite handsome too, and she had had a permanent baleful scowl on her face since she’d first come downstairs, one that could compete even with Jaheira’s worst. She was wearing red mage robes, but they weren’t very well fitting, they were torn in places, and she kept unconsciously tugging at them. Right now she was leaning against the wall in Keep De’Arnise’s audience room, her arms crossed across her impressive chest, and as she looked at Minsc her eyes were practically spurting fire. “I will not be scrutinized for the sake of your rodent!” she snarled. “Mind your own concerns, you stone-headed oaf!”

Minsc wasn’t particularly upset by this. Dynaheir had often lost her temper with him when he brought up the subject of Boo, and perhaps this lady was the same. He carefully held the little hamster up in the palm of his hand so that Boo would be able to see the lady properly, and then he nodded. Boo made good sense, as usual. The lady was magical, and even if she wasn’t a real Wychlaran, she had a temper to rival the fiercest Rashemani warriors. Also, Boo suggested that maybe she was shy meeting all these new people, and could be angry because of that. Scared people sometimes got angry, Boo said, so he should be nice and friendly. “Such a temperament!” he said, smiling cheerfully. “Fire in her belly and not afraid to spit in an eye! It reminds me of the fighting women of my homeland! Ah sweet lady, you bring me tears.”

For some reason, the lady didn’t seem to appreciate this, though Minsc did notice that Anomen, Jaheira and Jan all looked very amused for some reason. Her breathing became even more strained than before, causing the torn red robes to also become very dangerously strained, and her fingers curled in a claw-like fashion. “Tears indeed! Stand away lest I bring you a fireball as well! (Such suffering I must endure! The pain behind my eyes does grow steadily!)”

Then Minsc noticed his Witch putting a hand on the strange woman’s arm and whispering something at her, and after a few moments the dark lady nodded silently, calming herself, though she still kept glaring at Minsc.

“See…” Zaerini said, looking at Minsc. “This is Edwin. He had this unfortunate magical accident, and now he’s stuck like this until we can change him back.” She coughed briefly. “Oh…and in public we’ll refer to him as Edwina for the moment. So people won’t ask too many questions, see.”

Minsc took another good long look at the dark lady. He wasn’t entirely certain how such a thing could have come to pass, but if his Witch said this was Edwin, then it had to be so. Witches often did strange things for reasons of their own, so he supposed Evil Wizards might be the same. “Minsc will do so,” he said. “Does the wizard have to change back though? Minsc thinks he looks far prettier this way, and Boo likes him better too.”

Anomen seemed to find the whole exchange very funny. The cleric had laughed out loud when he first spotted the transformed wizard, and had kept chortling ever since. Right now, the hilarity of the situation was clearly becoming too much for him. “Hay, Edwina!” he said, offering the woman an exaggerated bow. “I shall be your champion at the next tournament that we come to if only you give me a piece of your robe, uh, that is, dress to adorn my shield.”

Jan grinned widely at this, saying something about how the thing was in pieces anyway, and even Jaheira had an amused smile on her face. Edwina however, was less than amused, and she looked about ready to try to claw Anomen’s eyes out with her bare hands. “(My condition draws fools like flies to honey). Silence, you idiot!” she hissed. “You've a death wish that is larger than your swollen head.”

Anomen’s face took on an expression of mock despair, and he theatrically clutched his forehead, actually going down on his knees on the floor in front of the livid wizard. “Fair Edwina, I am truly bereft by your non-acceptance. It is tragic when a knight has no fair maiden to moon over. Heh he he...”

This little display made Edwina go quite red in the face with frustrated anger and humiliation, and for once it seemed that she was at a loss for words.

Minsc was feeling a little uncomfortable by now, though he had a hard time explaining why to himself. From the way that his Witch was looking at Anomen, he could tell that she was very cross with him, and her yellow eyes were narrowing dangerously. Boo quickly told him that it was a bit like the look Minsc himself would get before he went Very Angry. He thought that his Witch would probably be sorry afterwards if she chopped Anomen into little bits, and he didn’t want his Witch to feel bad, so he felt he should do something about it. And there was another feeling too, and even if it was very hard to put it in words, he still thought he should try, with Boo’s help.

Smiling amiably, Minsc walked over to give Edwina an encouraging pat on the back. At the last moment he changed his mind though, and switched to what he considered a gentle hug. After all, the Evil Wizard was now an Evil Girl Wizard, so it felt more proper this way. The gentle hug left the surprised Edwina wheezing and gasping for air. “Boo says that you should not mind people laughing,” he solemnly said. “People laugh at Minsc all the time, so Minsc is used to it and hardly ever breaks people’s heads over it. Also, Boo tells me not to mind, since Boo won’t ever laugh at me, and as long as Minsc still has Boo and his Witch, it doesn’t really matter if other people laugh.” He held Boo up in his palm, and the hamster gave Edwina an eager squeak. “See? Boo says that you are just the same as Minsc in this, except you have a clever little monkey rather than a courageous hamster.”

The Evil Girl Wizard just kept staring at Minsc, looking extremely baffled, and her mouth kept opening and closing soundlessly. Zaerini gave Minsc a grateful smile though, and then reached up to give the ranger a kiss on the cheek. It felt very nice. “That was a very sweet thing to say, Minsc,” she said, “and I’m sure that Edwina will be very grateful too. Won’t you, Edwina?”

“What?” the wizard said in a startled voice. She was still looking at Minsc in a way that made him worry that maybe he hadn’t shaved his head properly this morning, but he felt relieved when Boo told him that he looked very smart. “I…er…maybe I…that is…(This has to be my imagination acting up on me. I couldn’t possibly have heard that, could I?) Yes…well…maybe the barbarian isn’t quite the imbecile that I had previously taken him for.”

“Good,” Zaerini said. “I’m glad to see the two of you making friends.” Then she sniffed briefly. “As for the rest of you, Edwina and I will be checking out Nalia’s library to see if we can de-curse her that way. Just in case you care.” She stuck her arm under the wizard’s and marched away, not looking back.

Edwina shot one final, very thoughtful look at Minsc, and then smirked triumphantly at Anomen across her shoulder. “You did get one thing right, you asinine illustration of the perils of interbreeding between siblings. You should be bereft, and you don’t have anybody to ‘moon over’, or anybody remotely interested in you. Well, not unless you count the immense attraction your stinking body has on all manner of flies and lice.” Then she haughtily swept out of the room by the half-elf’s side, the effect only spoiled a little bit by the fact that she almost tripped over her too-long robe.

After Minsc was certain that the Evil Girl Wizard was in no immediate need of more Cuddly Hamster Comfort, he went and busied himself with taking care of his gear for a while. Then he spent a couple of hours wandering about the Keep, saying hello to the servants and soldiers who were even now returning. Despite her grief, Nalia had been very busy all day, and she had let the adventurers know that she would need a few hours to take care of important things, but that she would like to speak with them afterwards. Minsc particularly liked playing with the four large dogs that he found in the courtyard. At first they got a little bit excited about Boo, but they calmed down soon enough once the big ranger petted them and fed them, and then there was a very funny game of stick-fetching. The sun was already starting to sink in the west when Zaerini and Edwina appeared again, walking across the courtyard. Both looked quite tired, and a bit down.

“Hello, little Rini!” Minsc happily shouted. “Would you and the Evil Girl Wizard like to come and play with Rex, Sparky, Rover and Spot? They are quite nice doggies, though Minsc thinks they are a little bit afraid of Boo.”

“Thanks Minsc,” Zaerini said, smiling. “I’d like to do that, but we’re both rather exhausted right now. I’m afraid we’ve had no luck so far.”

“We will, though,” Edwina hastily said. “A Great Wizard of my caliber will not be daunted for long, and I certainly don’t plan to let this annoying condition become a lasting one.”

“Of course not,” Zaerini said. “But just until we fix you up I think we should buy you some new clothes, ones that fit a little better and are a little less…drafty.”

Edwina frowned, but eventually she nodded, tugging a little at her torn robe. “Yes, that is quite right. I am of course magnificently skilled with needle and thread, but I do need some more whole material than this to work with. Something impressively red of course…and gold thread. There must be plenty of gold thread, and some sequins…maybe gems…”

“Give me a break!” Zaerini said, nudging the wizard in the side. “Nalia will pay us for helping her out, but most of it has to go towards Immy’s rescue, and buying essentials.”

Edwina’s eyes were very large and dark as she gave the bard an innocent look. “But gold thread is essential!”

“Eddie…”

“Just a little bit of gold thread? A few pounds, maybe?”

Minsc decided to say what he thought. “Minsc likes sparkly things,” he said, “and the Evil Girl Wizard would look pretty in it, but little Imoen must come first of course.”

Edwina sighed deeply, throwing her hands into the air. “Nobody around here knows the least bit about high fashion, except for me of course. Really, I ought to give you lot instructions, if only in order for you not to completely embarrass me when we eventually start moving in a little bit more exalted circles than trolls. (Well, in her case she could wear anything of course, and she would still be stunning, just like me. Anything, or even better nothing. Only not in public.)”

Zaerini grinned at this, shaking her head. “Glad to see you’re feeling a little better. I was getting worried. Anyway, let’s go see Nalia. That note she sent to the library sounded pretty urgent, so I guess we’d better see what she wants. We’ll do the shopping when we go back to Athkatla.” Still chuckling, she headed into the Keep. Minsc was just about to follow when he felt a finger poking his arm, and he turned to see the Evil Girl Wizard watching him, looking very awkward.

“Ah…” Edwina said, fidgeting a little. “I just thought about things and…do let me know if you would like somebody in particular gruesomely and disfiguringly cursed. (Particularly if it’s that goat-fornicating and freakishly dense Helmite.)”

Minsc thought about this for a moment, listening intently to Boo’s assessment of the situation. Then he nodded and smiled. “It is not the sort of thing of which Boo would approve…but Minsc understands what you wanted to say.”