Cards Reshuffled

When your party members fight between themselves, it is occasionally a good idea to forcibly make them cooperate. If it works, it usually works great. Of course, you run the risk of them winding up killing each other. Or of them destroying the world as we know it, in my case.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

Edwin slowly gritted his teeth as he stalked through the narrow, winding and above all extremely dirty streets of the Athkatlan slums. I’m dead, he thought. I’ve died and gone to Hell, and my eternal punishment is being stuck with that posturing Helmite with a mace stuck up his rear, and that preposterous and annoying gnome.

The odd trio had set out together while Zaerini’s group left for the Government District. Edwin had stared longingly after the red-haired bard, wishing that the day’s working arrangements had been very different, and his mood didn’t improve one bit by noticing that Anomen was doing the same thing. The slack-jawed oaf was practically panting. “You probably want to shut your fat mouth before the drool makes your ugly, clanking metal getup rust,” he had pleasantly informed the cleric as soon as Zaerini was out of hearing distance. “I’m certain your Order of the Most Pompous Farts probably has a few regulation-sized bibs in stock, for their members’ convenience. And nappies as well, I shouldn’t wonder. (I’m sure that persistent armor polish stench is meant as a cover up.)”

This little piece of helpful and altruistic advice hadn’t gone over very well with Anomen, who had turned a dark red, bordering on purple. “How dare you speak to me such!” he had growled. “I have the highest regard and respect for the lady Zaerini, contrary to you. If you do not cease your foul and soiling glances, implying the darkest and most base of lusts, I shall not hesitate to send you mewling to your grave.”

“Really, priest? If you do not give up the errant excursions of your ugly, bulging eyes into her cleavage, I will take great pleasure in making you drink a very dry ‘Green Goblin’, containing both your eyes impaled on toothpicks rather than the customary olives.”

At this point, Jan had interfered, sounding extremely amused. “Now, now, Red,” he had said, “I’m sure you wouldn’t know, but a slice of turnip is actually far superior. And Ano, you want to remember to watch that flying spittle, I could have been drowned just now.”

“Good,” Anomen had muttered, and Edwin had been forced to agree, though he would have died rather than saying so out loud.

“This ought to be lots of fun, lads!” Jan said, nudging both the cleric and the wizard. “The three of us…alone on the road…facing mortal peril around every corner…and doing some heavy bonding.” He sighed dreamily. “Won’t that be lovely?”

I’d like to heavily bond them both. Preferably with a really large and sturdy length of chain, and down at the docks at some spot with really deep water and many crabs to clean up the evidence.

Irritatingly enough, Edwin was forced to realize that Jan knew the labyrinthine slum streets better than he did, or Anomen for that matter, and so the gnome took the point, chattering incessantly. “My,” he was currently saying, “her Worship is one attractive lady, isn’t she? Why, if she were only shorter I wouldn’t hesitate to court her. But come to think of it, why should I let that stand in the way of True Love? I’m sure the other gnomes will learn to accept her in time. Yes, I’ll definitely have to ask her if she’d like to settle down with me and make our own little Turnip of Joy. She’s still unattached, isn’t she?” The fact that the mage and the priest glowered murderously at him didn’t keep him from continuing. “You two boys can be my marriage witnesses if you like. But remember, I want only the best turnip juice for the wedding dinner, think you can remember that?”

“This…this is ridiculous!” Anomen sputtered. “The lady would never stoop so low!”

“Really?” Jan said. “You think? Well, in that case I suppose I’ll have to use a stool…”

Edwin felt red rage churning in his blood, and when he spoke his voice was a low and deadly hiss. “Continue that sentence and you will find out firsthand what it feels like to have Skull Traps inserted into every possible bodily orifice.”

“…to reach her hand in order to put the ring on her finger. What did you think I was talking about, Red?”

After this exchange, the search went on for some time, still fruitlessly. By now they had reached a small market square, encircled by ramshackle old shops with grimy windows. There were some stalls as well, but as far as Edwin could tell the most exciting items being sold were a few rather wrinkly potatoes sold by a fat halfling, and that was only because the mold growing on them looked like it might be harvested and turned into a flesh devouring monster. And I’d really like to have one of those right about now. A monster that is. Not a potato.

The three men were walking about the market place, trying to probe passing people for information about Ployer. Jan was chatting animatedly with everybody he met, probably telling inane stories. Anomen seemed to be demanding that ‘The Villain be given up in the name of the Order’. So far he’d narrowly avoided getting a basket of fish dumped over his head, and he probably hadn’t noticed yet that there was a note stuck to his back that said ‘I forgot my brain at home today’. The cleric was looking proudly at all the smiles that greeted him wherever he went though.

Edwin sighed quietly, pulling up the hood of his robe to shield himself from the penetrating and glaringly white sunlight. So far, he hadn’t had much success with his investigations. Unbidden, his hand went to the amulet hanging around his throat, as it often did when he felt under pressure. For some reason, touching the smooth surface of the dark red ruby always managed to soothe him a little, like a protective and calming presence. Perhaps it was part of the magic, but he had never been able to figure out exactly how the amulet did work, so he couldn’t say for certain. Whatever the case, it did work, and he was already feeling better. It wasn’t that he was all that concerned about Jaheira, but it was vitally important that he should be the one to find an important clue, not Jan, and certainly not Anomen. And then my Hellkitten will be extremely impressed, and the priest will be envious. Two very worthy goals.

Pleased with this thought, Edwin approached an elderly woman selling sweets. She was bent to a point where her pointy chin almost hit her knees when she walked, and she had a large and hairy wart on her long nose. The sweets looked nice, though. Some sort of gingerbread. “Greetings, peasant,” he said. “Do you know the whereabouts of an ugly, loutish character by the name of Ployer?”

The woman’s eyes narrowed a little, and she gave him a considering look. “Maybe I do, dearie. I might tell you – for a price.”

“And what kind of price would this be? (A cure for that unsightly wart, perhaps. A Cone of Cold ought to fix that.) And stop calling me ‘dearie’.”

“Why, you’re Thayvian, aren’t you, dearie? And I have heard so many interesting rumors about Thayvian men, I’d like to see if they’re true. So, here is the deal. You come play ‘tickle the kitten’ with me, and if you’re good enough I’ll tell you what I know and add in some of my best gingerbread for good measure.” A pair of bony but strong fingers suddenly pinched the wizard’s rear, making him jump. Worse, he could hear Anomen’s annoying, snide laughter right behind him.

“It seems you have finally found your ideal match, wizard!” the priest said, snorting with amusement. “I’d say you two were made for each other.”

“Silence, you idiot!” Edwin snapped, anger and embarrassment fighting for dominion over his emotions. “At least my erotic skills are in demand, unlike yours. You probably wouldn’t even remember to take off your armor first, and if you did you would probably spend the entire time boring the woman in question to tears by reciting the tenets of Helm to her.”

“You dare take the name of my God in your foul mouth? If not for my solemn promise to the Lady Zaerini I would strike you down where you stand!”

“I dare that and more, Helmite! I dare say your armor isn’t the only thing you constantly polish, since only a blind or insane woman would want to take up with somebody who’d make them want to vomit at the first sight of his flabby body. (And I bet he makes the same pathetic little squeaking noises no matter which thing he is polishing.)”

“Flabby? FLABBY? I’ll have you know that my body is perfect! I work out daily, unlike you, and every single muscle has achieved its ideal form!”

“Ha! I have the perfect male body without all that chimp-like grunting and sweating, but that is only to be expected since I am your superior in every way. (Come to think of it, a tapeworm would also be able to claim that.)”

“No need to fight, boys!” the old woman cackled. “I’m sturdy enough to handle both of you at once! You just look into my eyes and follow me…”

Edwin suddenly felt a soft, pink mist descending on his mind, and he felt his mouth opening in a sheepish grin as he stared at the lovely creature in front of him. How could he have failed to see that she was the most beautiful and compelling woman in the world? It was incomprehensible. Vaguely, he was aware of Anomen standing next to him, sporting the same stunned look on his face. And then they were walking, following the woman devotedly, and he felt as if he were floating on soft clouds. Already they had gone far enough into the dark maze of narrow streets that he couldn’t possibly have hoped to find his way back on his own, but he was far beyond caring.

And then, the woman shrieked as a round object struck her in the head, spreading a small cloud of white powder. Then she froze in mid-motion, staring mindlessly at nothing. Edwin suddenly felt as if he had had a pail of icy water thrown over him, as he stared at the old hag, trying to comprehend what had happened.

“Really, boys,” Jan’s voice said from somewhere behind his back, “haven’t you anything better to do than to fight over the ladies? Couldn’t you take turns or something?” As Edwin turned around he saw the gnome patting his odd crossbow affectionately. “But,” Jan said, “a good Flasher is a safe cure for the lovestruck, I’ll give you that! This here is Old Mrs Hook. They say she’s a witch, but she does make the most tasty gingerbread, even though she’s very conservative. I never was able to convince her to add turnips. If I’d known you two were that taken with her, I could have introduced you! It’s odd the way the Cowlies never bother her, I think she may have seduced one or two of their bigwigs into leaving her alone.”

Edwin felt a slow heat rising in his cheeks as he looked at the paralyzed woman. Taken in by a domination spell like some green apprentice…I’m so lucky Teacher Dekaras wasn’t here to see that. Not to mention Zaerini.

Anomen seemed to have similar thoughts. “Er…” he muttered to Edwin. “Perhaps it would be better if we not mention this particular little adventure to the Lady Zaerini, wouldn’t you say?”

“Yes,” the wizard said, nodding fervently. “No need to…make her worry.”

“Aye. No man of chivalry would…would burden a lady with unnecessary concerns.”

“But boys,” Jan said, his eyes twinkling, “you disappoint me. I was so looking forward to telling her all about this, I think it would make for an excellent and humorous story. If you want me to forget that you’re going to have to make it up to me.”

“How?” Anomen asked.

“Well, this fellow I spoke to said that there’s a small tavern somewhere close, known only to its steady customers, and he says that though the food stinks, the turnip beer is excellent! We’ll go try it, and then we’ll be rested and far more able to find Ployer.”

“Yes, yes,” Edwin said, feeling very irritated. “Just keep your mouth shut.”

The trio soon reached the tavern in question, passing through a narrow and almost invisible cellar door. There was a tavern sign out front, but it was so smeared with dirt and grime that it was impossible to see the name of the place. However, beneath all that, and unbeknownst to Edwin, Jan or Anomen, there was a painting of a golden cup, as well as the words: ‘The One Cup’. Had they been able to see this, they would probably have thought twice about walking into the place unprepared.