Cards Reshuffled

People aren’t always that different from other animals. Just take a look at two young males, furiously head butting and trying to be impressive for the benefit of the female they both desire. Pity I was too preoccupied to figure out what was going on at once. That could have saved me a lot of aggravation.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“Whoa!” Jan said, sitting up on the floor and blinking. “That was a close one, I could actually see the Great Turnip in the sky there for a while.”

“Not surprisingly,” Jaheira said, wearily rubbing her temples. “You almost died. Both Anomen and I had to exert ourselves in order to pull you back.”

Jan’s eyes went very wide. “Really? That’s very nice of you!” He grinned. “I’ll be sure to repay you, by crafting you both an extra special Jansen story, how’s that?”

“No!” Anomen exclaimed, jerking back. “No…that….that won’t be necessary.”

Jaheira was also energetically shaking her head. “Absolutely not. It…it is quite all right. No debt remaining, complete balance…”

“But Jaheira!” Jan said, getting to his feet. “I want to, and I just know you’ll love it. Say, maybe I could make it a romantic story, featuring the two of you…”

The druid gave him a dark look and fingered her quarterstaff as if she was having serious problems controlling her temper. “My husband is dead, murdered and mutilated. I am not in the mood for romance.”

“And I,” Anomen said, “am not interested.” He suddenly went very pink in the cheeks and gave Jaheira a nervous look. “No offense meant to you, lady Jaheira, you are of course a charming woman, it is merely that I…”

Jaheira raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“That…that I would rather…” Anomen’s eyes darted nervously about the room, landing on Zaerini. Then they moved on to the wizard standing right next to her and a scowl to rival Jaheira’s spread across his face. “What is he doing here?” he suspiciously asked the bard. “My lady, do you truly think it wise to make that villain privy to our discussions?”

Edwin shot him a look of pure venom, and sneered contemptuously. “There is no need for that, you metal-plated monkey. After all, there already is a privy present. Do a careful search and you should be able to find it, the stinking hole is located in the middle of that weedy and ridiculous little thing you probably call a ‘beard’. (Whereas mine of course is elegant, immaculately groomed and infinitely stylish.)”

By now Anomen was red rather than pink, and he was actually grinding his teeth. “I’ll have you know that this is a perfect beard according to the Rules and Regulations of the Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart, foul wizard! It follows the guidelines exactly, down to the smallest hair, while you probably make yours grow through some blasphemous rite of deepest darkness!”

“Not necessary, it comes with having the perfect male body, something you would know nothing about. I suggest you try to stop dragging your knuckles along the ground before you attempt joining the rest of humanity. And you probably have to pray your feeble little tuft of hair into existence!”

Zaerini had been listening to this exchange, her mouth hanging open just a little bit at the sudden display of strutting egos. Now she loudly cleared her throat, making both combatants pause and regard her expectantly. “That’s enough for now, boys,” she said. “You both have cute beards, but right now we really don’t have the time to compare them hair by hair.” Sheeesh… she thought. Beard envy. Who’d have thought it?

For some reason this declaration of neutrality didn’t seem to make either the cleric or the wizard very happy. They kept glaring murderously at each other, but at least they had stopped trading insults. Good thing too. Next they’d probably start comparing chest hair or something.

I have my own ideas about what they’ll start comparing next, Softpaws said, sounding as if she was snickering. The mental image she sent her mistress was very vivid, and Rini felt sudden heat rising in her cheeks. You’re just making that up. You haven’t seen either of them like that.

If that’s what you like to think, kitten.

“Ah…anyway…” the bard said, faltering a little. “We all need to clear a few things up I think, but this is hardly the place. Edwin, how about your room? You could set up wards of silence, couldn’t you?”

The wizard nodded. “Of course,” he said. “It will be but a moment’s work for a wizard of my great magnitude. Come, follow me. The rest of you monkeys, try not to get your paws into any of my experiments.” He headed up the stairs, not turning to see if anybody followed.

“Monkeys…” Anomen muttered. “I’ll show him monkeys…that conniving wretch! No doubt he is planning to betray us all, but I will channel the power of the Order and strike in their name…”

Rini shook her head. Well. They certainly seem to have taken an intense disliking to each other. Hopefully they’ll get over it.

Once arrangements had been made to insure privacy against eavesdroppers, Zaerini turned to Edwin. “All right,” she said. “What happened down there? Why did Aerie try to kill you? How do you even know her?” Please don’t let her be an old girlfriend of his…

“I could ask you the same,” the wizard said. “I never would have expected you to be traveling with a torture-adoring priestess of Loviatar, a vicious little harpy who would like nothing better than to flay my perfect skin off my body, inch by slow inch. (Except perhaps doing it to…no. Don’t think about that.)”

The reactions of the party to this revelation were diverse, to say the least.

“Loviatar?” Jaheira exclaimed. “Is that so? But she was so…so feeble and helpless and…” Comprehension slowly dawned in her eyes. “I see,” she said, her voice frosty. “She played us all for fools, did she not? If I ever encounter her again, I do believe I will want to have words with her about that.”

“Impossible!” Minsc shouted. “Poor Aerie is a good person, she always said so herself! And good people don’t tell wicked lies, so it has to be true! And people who tell lies about good people are wicked and evil, and should get themselves ready for some serious butt-kicking!” The giant ranger was in the process of reaching for his sword, when Boo scuttled up to his ear, squeaking furiously. Minsc paused, looking hesitant. “What…are you sure, Boo? Did you really feel that Aerie was an evil, hamster-killing and black-hearted witch, not at all a good one? But you were afraid to tell me because you thought I might get angry with you?” Big tears rose in Minsc’s eyes and then trickled down his cheeks as he lifted the tiny hamster in one enormous hand, gently petting him. “Oh Boo! You know you can tell me anything, I would never get angry with you!”

“Say, that’s a very neat hamster,” Jan said in a thoughtful voice, eyeing Boo. “Aerie was probably out to steal him to aid in her evil plans. Here Minscey, you’d better let me keep him safe for you!”

“Absolutely not. Boo is safe with me, and we will not be parted. Especially right now, he says that he is very upset.”

“Distasteful emotional outbursts,” Anomen said and gave Minsc an annoyed look. At the same time Edwin spoke, stating that insane and hamster-obsessed rangers were not something he couldn’t live without, and couldn’t they feed that furball to the cat? This made Softpaws give him a look of total adoration and wrap herself around his legs, and made Minsc state that anybody who tried to harm Boo would soon be trying to get used to having their head hammered into their stomach. Meanwhile, Anomen and Edwin both looked utterly disgusted about having agreed on something.

“Can we please get back on track here?” Rini pleased, wearily dragging her hand through her red hair. Aerie as a torturing priestess of Loviatar, lying to and manipulating us all? At a first glance it sounds utterly insane…but the more I think about it, the more it all makes sense. I always thought there was something about her that didn’t quite fit, though I couldn’t say what. “So, Eddie, I believe you of course, but how do you know her? Is she from Thay? And what do you suppose she was up to?”

The wizard paused before answering, his dark eyes concerned. “I do not know where she is originally from,” he said, “but I do not think she is from Thay. It was many years ago that I met her, I was a mere child then, but I will never forget it.” When next he spoke he did it slowly, carefully picking his word. “She was playing a part,” he said, “as I’m sure she was doing to make you trust her. At that time she called herself ‘Ciri’ for ‘Cirindaeriella’ which may or may not be her true name, but I don’t doubt that she got ‘Aerie’ the same way. She is very good at manipulating people, and she enjoys nothing more than causing suffering. At the time, she was involved in a murder, she had killed one of my mother’s friends.” He fidgeted a little with the sleeve of his robe. “In the investigation that followed, she was revealed for what she really was, and nearly killed. Unfortunately she got away. I do not doubt that she would love to slowly kill me for my part in her downfall, as well as my…family. Perhaps she somehow thought she could get to me through you. Or she may have had other reasons. Whatever her plans, you may be sure that they will be highly unpleasant.”

The half-elf thought about this, shivering a little. “Yeah…I can guess. Loviatar worshippers love torture. Just like…just like him. Irenicus.” She hugged herself briefly, trying not to let the memories overwhelm her. Through the cloth of her borrowed shirt she could feel one of the scars that still remained on her body.

“Fear not, my lady,” Anomen said. He had somehow managed to cross the floor without her noticing, and now he was hovering by her side. “I solemnly swear to you, in the name of all that’s good and holy, that I will let no harm come to you, no evil fiend molest you!” He eagerly grasped her hand, and pressed it to his lips. It felt rather nice actually, but she was too surprised to do more than stare at him.

“Then I suggest you keep away from her,” Edwin snarled. The wizard had virtually glued himself to her other side, and now he was glaring daggers at Anomen. “I’m sure your disgusting slobber carries all sorts of horrible diseases you got off your little paladin friends, or possibly their horses. (How dare he touch her as if he had a right to do so? If he does it again I’ll start out by charbroiling his codpiece and its meager contents, and then I’ll get really creative!)”

“I suggest you keep your distance from the lady,” Anomen growled in return. By now he and Edwin were practically oblivious of everything around them, staring angrily into each other’s faces from a few inches distance. “She does not need to be subjected to any of your dark arts, or your corruptive influence. What she does need is a champion bold and true.”

“And that would be you? The man with the accent that makes you sound as if you’re wearing an armor three sizes too small in the pants?”

“At least my accent is romantic and confidence-inspiring, rather than sinister and oily!”

“Oily, is it? I’ll show you oily. (One Grease right on top of him, and then a Fireball…)”

“Try it, villain, and I shall smite you!”

“STOP IT!” Zaerini screamed at the top of her voice, making both the combatants shut up and put their hands over their ears, their faces pained. “That’s better,” the half-elf said, putting her hands on her hips. “No more of this nonsense!” She gave both the combatants a disapproving look. “I won’t have you killing each other while you’re both traveling with me, and if everything goes as I hope, you soon will be.” She ignored the look of utter horror on Anomen’s face. “Eddie, I’m not really working for Mae’Var. Renal Bloodscalp wants me to expose him as a traitor, I’m just here looking for evidence. It’s up to you of course, but…wouldn’t you rather join me than him?”

Both Edwin and Anomen inhaled sharply at exactly the same time.

“But my lady!” Anomen said.

“Of course,” Edwin said at the same time. “I had suspected as much. In fact…I will be able to help you. I know where Mae’Var keeps his important documents, and as his trusted right hand I also happen to have a key to his safe. But remember – if I do this for you, then Mae’Var must die, or I will be at great risk.”

Rini gave him a bright smile, something that caused the wizard to swallow heavily and look as if he was feeling very hot. “That won’t be a problem. I wouldn’t want to risk your life, you know. Never that. I’m just…very happy to have you with us.”

“As it should be,” Edwin said. “After all, I’m the Greatest Wizard in the world, a witty, charming and intellectually bedazzling conversationalist, a great cook and excellent at…er…” His voice trailed off as he kept staring into her eyes.

And with a very cute ego Rini thought, feeling warm feelings of happiness spread through her entire body.