Cards Reshuffled

No matter how far you travel, or how powerful an adventurer you become, your family still tends to think of you as an irresponsible toddler, that needs to be spoon-fed and have its nose wiped regularly. If you’re lucky, that is. My own parents were more inclined towards trying to kill me, so I’d take the toddler treatment any day.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

The Jansen family home turned out to be a large and rather rundown building in the middle of Athkatla’s slums. Zaerini could see it from far away, and she knew it instantly. It was painted a bright purple, with flashing green spots, the chimney had an odd corkscrew shape to it, and the smoke that emerged from it was an eye-watering pink that Imoen would have loved. Even more tellingly, the building had a rounded and all too familiar shape to it, much like…

“A turnip?” Edwina asked, sounding incredulous. “You built the place in the shape of a turnip? (The utter tastelessness of this gnome never ceases to amaze me.)”

Jan shook his head. “Not me, Red. My dearly departed forefather, Christopher Jansen, the famous architect.” He sighed wistfully. “Isn’t it beautiful? Brings tears to my eyes every time I see it, it does.”

“It brings tears to my eyes too. Simply watching it is giving me a migraine. And what about that smoke?”

“Oh, that. That’s Jan Jansen’s Patented Special Super Fuel at work. Wood is expensive in the city, and I wanted to save Ma Jansen the cost.”

“Hang on,” Zaerini said. “Let me guess. You’re burning turnips, right?”

“Absolutely not!” the gnome said, sounding shocked. “That’s a terrible thing to suggest! No, it’s turnip leaves of course, marvelous fuel they make. Just don’t do what my cousin Bob Jansen did and try to smoke them. He spent the rest of his days believing himself to be a glass of orange juice.”

“And how did he die?” the bard asked. At least he seems a little more like himself. Almost back to normal.

“Oh, a passing griffin came along and drank him I’m afraid. Very sad, really.”

Yep. Definitely back to normal.

There was a large stone gargoyle sitting above the door, and as the adventurers approached it winked sleepily at them. “What is your name?” it asked.

“Oh, come on, Rocky!” Jan protested. “You know me! I’m the one who made you, after all!”

“Doesn’t matter,” the gargoyle said, sticking its tongue out. “You said to ask the questions of anybody wanting to enter. I’m only doing my job here, you know. So. What is your name?”

“Oh, all right,” Jan said. “It’s Jan Jansen, doofus.”

“Jan Jansen Doofus, you have answered your first question correctly,” the gargoyle solemnly said, causing Edwina to snicker as Jan rolled his eyes.

“Oh, this is a fun game!” Minsc cut in, holding Boo up towards the gargoyle. “Minsc can play too! I am Minsc and this is Boo, the miniature giant space hamster! Do Minsc and Boo win a prize now?”

“No,” the gargoyle huffed. “Two more questions to go first. Second one: What is your quest?”

“Minsc knows! That we all become Butt-kicking Heroes for Goodness, and free little Imoen from the Evil Wizard, and find our poor friend Anomen who is all upset because little Rini and the Evil Girl Wizard are doing cuddly and noisy things together all night, keeping poor Boo awake when they…”

“Yes, yes, yes!” Zaerini interrupted, reaching up on tip-toes to clamp her hand over the ranger’s mouth. She felt her cheeks burning fiercely, and behind her she could hear Edwina coughing violently. Her blush didn’t improve when she met Jan’s eyes and saw the gnome winking at her. “Next question!”

“Fine,” the gargoyle said. “Here it is then, and it’s the Big One.” It paused dramatically. “What is your favorite root vegetable?”

Edwina gave Jan a long look. “I’m going to go out on a limb here,” she said, “and guess that the answer is not ‘carrots’. (Hateful things…never was able to stand them.)”

“Quite right, Red!” the gnome chirped. “Turnips it is!”

“And that is your final answer?” the gargoyle asked in an ominous voice.

“Sure is!”

“Really, really your final answer?”

“That’s right.”

“You won’t change your mind? Or maybe use a lifeline or something?”

“Nope.”

“Oh, all right,” the gargoyle said, sounding rather huffy. “You’re no fun at all, you know…fine, you can come in.” The door swung open, and the creature subsided into sullen silence as the adventurers entered the Jansen home, which turned out to be equally green on the outside as it was purple on the outside, with odd mechanical and most likely dangerous contraptions lying about everywhere. Rini couldn’t even begin to guess at what they were supposed to be for, but she did see that quite a few of them were turnip-shaped. Jansen design, undoubtedly.

Well inside the house, a cyclone struck, a cyclone in the form of two small gnomish children, tiny enough that they barely reached Rini’s knees. Both had lightly tan skin, wild and disarranged white-blonde hair, and noses that would have appeared grotesquely large on any human child. “Uncle Jan! Uncle Jan!” they shrieked, pouncing upon the little thief and climbing all over him. After a series of affectionate hugs, and a distribution of not only candy but a couple of Jan’s patented Flasher Bruiser Mates, the twins retreated with their prices, and Jan introduced them as Tat and Tot, the children of one of his numerous cousins.

“Actually, they’re quite impoverished since his wife died,” he said. “The twins were very young, they don’t even remember her. They’ve taken to Ma Jansen though, she’s like a mother to them and…”

“Jan Jakobar Jansen!” The female gnome who came striding towards the adventurers from the turnip-shaped doorway leading to an adjoining room could be none other than Jan’s mother. There were the same twinkling eyes, and the same mischievous smile, except a little tempered with age. Her gray hair was made up into a neat bun, and she had round red cheeks. “Ah, it is good to see you, Jan!” she exclaimed, wrapping her son in a tight embrace that practically smothered him against her ample bosom. Then she took a step away from him, wiped her hands on her neat white apron and gave him a critical look. “You could come and see your old mother more often. I have to send your no good cousins out to find you. Have you been eating properly? You look peaky. Sleeping properly? I really hope you haven’t gotten into bad company, trying to keep you from doing a dishonest day’s work! And what about the automatic turnip peeler you’ve been promising to build me for ages?”

“Sorry Ma,” Jan apologized, “I was busy.” Then he made a grandiose sweeping gesture towards his companions. “But just look at these fine people I’ve been traveling with!” He started pointing out the others in turn. “That’s Minscey, he’s a ranger, and that’s Boo, a giant mutant miniature space hamster! Isn’t that the most wonderful thing you’ve ever seen?”

“Boo says hello to the nice gnome lady,” Minsc boomed, bending himself nearly double so he could shove Boo into Ma Jansen’s face. The hamster squeaked curiously. “Jan is a good friend, even though he sometimes is naughty and tries to steal Boo, and even though Minsc doesn’t always understand what he says.”

“How extremely surprising,” Edwina muttered in a low voice. Then she startled as Tat and Tot suddenly came up behind her, and the girl enveloped her legs in a hug while the boy grabbed hold of her robes with a small, firm and very sticky hand.

“Oooh, you’re really pretty!” Tat enthusiastically said. “When I grow up I’m gonna look just like you! Except with a bigger nose, big noses are the prettiest! Wanna play with me? Hey, I’ll show you my dollies, and then we can Flash the cat!”

“Yeah!” Tot agreed, still holding onto the robe. “We like you! Want to lick my lolly?” He took the dripping thing out of his mouth, offering it to the stunned wizard.

“Get off me, you little beasts!” Edwina protested, vainly trying to pry the adoring children off. “No! You’re getting your disgusting spittle all over my new robe! Stop doing that! And stop hugging me!” Insufferable chose this particular moment to peek out of her bodice where he’d been taking a nap, and the children’s joy knew no bounds as they noticed the tiny fluffy monkey. Insufferable preened proudly, happily scampering down Edwina’s arm to let himself be petted, totally ignoring the wizard’s peeved interjections as Tat and Tot showered their adoration on her as well as the monkey, practically bowling her over. “Will you stop hugging me, you insufferable little brats, or…or I’ll put a spell on you to make your noses reach your knees and drown you in your own snot! And STOP HUGGING ME! (Miserable pests…totally spoilt of course, not properly raised like myself.)”

“Awwww!” one twin went on, petting the preening Insufferable with one hand and smearing turnip-flavored lollipop all over Edwina’s face with the other as he tried to insert it into the wizard’s mouth, quite against her will. “That monkey is great! Look Ma Jansen, look, now he’s scratching his…”

Tat giggled loudly, tangling her grubby little hands in Edwina’s hair. The wizard was on the floor by now, still trying to get free. It did seem to Zaerini though that she wasn’t trying quite as hard as she might have. “I can braid your hair, Ma has taught me, and I’m really, really, really good! And then you can borrow some of my bows, I’ve got blue and pink and yellow and green and white and…”

“Red?” Edwina asked, interested against her will. “(This is of course utterly humiliating, but I would just as soon look my best.)”

“Sure! Hey, look what the monkey’s doing now! How come I’m not allowed to do that, Uncle Jan?”

Jan cleared his throat. “Because, my dear little Tat, you aren’t a monkey.” He made an exaggerated bow in Edwina’s direction, and then addressed his mother again. “And this is our own dear Edwina, who’s a Red Wizard of Thay, and a very evil and scary one she tries to be indeed!”

Edwina gave him a suspicious look, and tried to unstick the lollipop from her hair. “I most certainly am,” she said in a haughty voice. “And you little folk had better remember it, and show proper respect, or I will…or I will petrify the lot of you with my awesome powers and then sell your ugly statues at the flea market. (Granted, I’d probably have to pay people to take them.)” The effect of this threat was rather spoiled when the twins giggled with delight and hugged her again, and Tot told her that he thought that ‘was just awesome’, especially since she couldn’t quite hide a smile.

“Not to mention,” Jan went on, “that she’s really under a curse and…”

“That will be quite enough,” Rini hastily said, not wanting the Nether Scroll to be in any way mentioned, not when Edwina was in a reasonable mood. She bowed politely to Ma Jansen. “And I am Zaerini of Candlekeep, and happy to count Jan among my friends. In fact, that’s why we’re all here. As I understood it, there’s some sort of trouble, and we’d like to help.”

The elderly gnome nodded. “I’m sure Jan appreciates it, lass. Although I don’t rightly know what can be done.” She turned to Jan, and when she next spoke her face was very serious. “Lissa has been staying with us for awhile. Her daughter, too. We just thought that you might want to know. She does seem to need your help, with her parents passed on and all.”

Jan took a deep breath, and his voice turned raw with worry. “Is she all right? Did he... did he hurt her?”

Ma Jansen shook her head, and then wiped briefly at her eyes. “Lissa's not hurt. It's the little girl. I gave them your old room. The girl is sick and Lissa is with her. Why don't you go and talk to her? She's been waiting for you.”

Jan’s eyes were pained, but he nodded, speaking with a kind of forced cheerfulness. “Of course Ma.” He turned to his companions. “I’d appreciate it if you came along.” Then he turned and headed up the stairs, not looking back.

Zaerini followed without hesitation, pulling a reluctant Edwina along with her by the hand. Minsc’s heavy footsteps echoed on the stairs behind her, and in her mind the sound turned ominous, like an approaching doom. She didn’t know what lay in wait upstairs, but every instinct in her body screamed that she wouldn’t enjoy it.