Cards Reshuffled

Swamps aren’t the most pleasant of locations to travel in even under the best of circumstances. And believe me, when there is strife and bad feelings in the party, they aren’t improved by damp, mud, mosquitoes and leeches.

Excerpt from ‘Ruminations Of A Master Bard’

“Do you mean to tell me that this is a Druid Grove?” Edwina said, making a broad gesture that encompassed the surrounding swamp. “People actually choose to live here?” ‘Here’, was a swamp. There were some narrow paths leading through it, wet and mushy paths, as winding as coiling snakes, but mostly it was bobbing tufts of grass on top of deep, sucking mud, and deep puddles of dark and motionless water. There seemed to be about a thousand frogs about, hopping here and there, and being generally noisy in the background, and they were accompanied by the piping tunes of literally millions of mosquitoes and gnats.

Edwina did not approve of this. She was not, and never had been, a wilderness person. She much preferred a proper city, with broad, firm, and above all dry streets, with taverns, shops and general civilization. True, wilderness could look pretty, but she much preferred to view it from a distance, without the muckiness that always seemed to result from actually going outside in it. Angrily, she slapped after a particularly annoying mosquito and practically knocked herself out as she hit herself on the cheek. It hurt.

“This is not the Grove itself,” Jaheira explained, without turning around. The druid had taken the lead through the swamp, as she had visited here before. “The druids live further in, on an island deeper within the swamp. Stop whining. It is not our fault that you insist on such impractical clothing.”

“I happen to be accustomed to maintaining a certain level of style, and don’t traipse around encrusted in mud and with sticks in my hair for fun, unlike certain other people! (I don’t know how I will ever get these stains out of my robe…)” Then she broke off, as Zaerini tapped her shoulder and then reached up to touch her still burning cheek, smiling a little.

“You’re pretty sweet when you fuss,” the bard said, casting a minor healing spell that made the pain dissolve as if in a cool breeze. “But I think you’re forgetting something important.”

“What?”

“You’re standing in the middle of the bog…”

Edwina looked down. Her precious red boots had sunk deeply into the mud, all the way to ankle level, and when she tried to pull them up the only result was a disgusting slurping sound. The curses she uttered would have utterly mortified her mother who had always tried to not speak such words in the presence of her beloved child. Edwin had always been a quick learner though…and Mother was a very creative curser when she lost her temper, which was often.

Once she had been pulled free, with the aid of Zaerini and Minsc, Edwina trailed after the rest of the group, feeling even gloomier than before. Now the mud was making her itchier than ever. She wanted a bath. And to wash her hair. And she wanted her own body back. And more than anything, she wanted Anomen Delryn dead, or at least transformed into a frog. Or a mosquito. Then I could slap him into a tiny mass of blood and crushed chitin…yesssss…

She had woken up last night to hear the annoying, bleating voice of the cleric speaking to her Hellkitten, and while the half-elf hadn’t exactly been crawling all over Anomen, she had been sitting far too close to him for Edwina’s comfort. He’s always after her…always talking and talking, trying to impress her. Suppose she…suppose she wants him? No! I’ll kill him if he tries to steal her from me! She’s mine! MINE! She’s all I’ve got, I love her, and she loves me. Doesn’t she? But suppose she thinks I won’t ever turn back to normal and has grown tired of waiting?

Oh, come on, Boss, Insufferable said. The fluffy monkey was currently sitting on Edwina’s shoulder, and now he gave her earlobe a small tug. Aren’t you the one who keeps saying that he’s ugly, stupid and annoying?

YES!

Well, if he is, then why would she want him?

Er…I…

Boss, you gotta do something about this problem of yours, the monkey said, lazily inserting a tiny finger into his pink little ear and digging about inside. Mmm…that feels good…anyway, you gotta show her some HOT, STEAMY MONKEY LOVE! I’ll show you, you just start on your own, then she’ll join ya in no time!

Suffy, will you stop that! You’re embarrassing me.

MMmmm…yeah…nicenicenice…monkeys know all about mating, see! She’s looking this way already!

YES, because you are…doing whatever it is you are doing. And do you have to do it on top of me?

It’s called ‘suggestive gestures’, Boss.

That’s not ‘suggestive’. That’s ‘indecent’.

What’s ‘indecent’? Monkeys don’t have that word.

Somehow, I’m not surprised.

“Er…’Dwina?” Zaerini asked. “Is Insufferable all right? What’s that odd noise he’s making? And what’s he doing?”

“Nothing, nothing,” the wizard hastily said, grasping her familiar and hiding him behind her back. “He’s just…itchy.”

Heh, just like you are, Boss. And I know exactly where you’re itching, and who you want to scratch the itch…we’re linked after all.

Edwina sighed. How could I possibly have wound up with a familiar this obnoxious and irresponsible…

And cute and fluffy, Boss! Don’t forget cute and fluffy, just like you!

I’m not cute and fluffy!

Well, at least you’re cute…and the Pretty Cat Lady thinks so too. We’re perfectly matched. Now, if you’d only follow my advice, she’d be scratching your itch in no time…

Edwina walked on, but she was still scowling. The fact that Anomen chose this particular moment to regale everybody with tales about how he was an experienced campaigner, adept at navigating every kind of possible terrain did nothing for her mood. Just as she was trying to formulate a particularly scathing remark, one that concerned the tendency of pigs to be familiar with muck, the voice of that dull druid fellow interrupted her thoughts. Funny how his name kept slipping away from her…not that she was particularly interested. A very boring individual, she thought, completely uninteresting in every way. Even the mosquitoes seemed to be avoiding biting him, and she couldn’t blame them. No doubt they prefer the rich and cultured flavor of Thayvian blood. And now he was watching her, and smiling.

“Why do you stare so, fool?” she spat.

“Cernd,” the idiot simply said, smiling that bland little smile of his. “My name is Cernd.”

“Yes, yes, whatever! What exactly is it that you find so very amusing? (If he mentions my poor boots I will plant him in the bog…head first.)”

What’s-his-name simply shrugged, still smiling that annoying little smile, as if he knew something she didn’t. “Why does the King protest? His forests are pilfered, leaving just hills and scrub, but what loss is it? How can it be of value when it was never put to use?”

Edwina felt as if she had just been punched in the gut. There’s an insult in there…does he know of my condition? But how could he possibly… “Stand away from me, simpleton,” she hissed. “Or I will help you commune all the better with nature, or at least with the worms that will feast upon your lifeless corpse.”

Once again, that damnable shrug and smile. “Perhaps another topic then…Are the flowers not beautiful this time of year? Perhaps a little late in the blooming, but still...” And there was definitely a malicious little glint in those bland gray eyes, Edwina was quite certain of it. He does know! But how could he know? Who would have told…

And then she turned to see Anomen watching her, and the priest was definitely smirking. That…that bastard! Red rage was blooming like a poisonous flower in her heart. I’ll make that Helmite pay for this final indignity if it’s the last thing I ever do. Isn’t it enough for him to mock me, without spreading the tale of my shame to strangers? “What!?” she snarled to…whatever the druid’s name was. “What are you getting at!? I know you are talking about me, so speak it plain!”

“Oh, I meant nothing,” the fellow said, shaking his head. “It is my wont to talk of nature and her gifts.”

Perhaps I was mistaken after all…”Very well,” she said, attempting to cling to the shreds of her dignity. “I shall let the comment pass and…”

“I mean, if I say how the great cycle fells the mighty oak, yielding to the furrows and valleys of a more subtle landscape, is it my fault if you take offense?”

Anomen was practically laughing outright now. Edwina clenched her jaw, desperately looking for a way out. Alas, Zaerini was walking a bit further ahead, with Minsc and Jaheira, and hadn’t heard the comments, and Jan was scouting somewhere out of sight. There would be no help. And I don’t want her to have to help me. I can handle this on my own. I can. She tried to keep her face and voice as impassive as possible. Don’t let them see that it hurts. Don’t ever let them see that it hurts. “I see, I see. I shall let the slight pass and...”

“And if I say that the great stag casts aside its wondrous mantle as the long winter approaches, should it be my concern if you draw any comparisons to your...”

I don’t care what they say. I don’t care. Idon’tIdon’tIdon’tIdon’t… She tried to focus on Insufferable, who by now was hurling insults at the druid and the cleric, both verbal and non-verbal. It was certainly more than she felt capable of herself at the moment. She could only just barely manage not to cry. If that happens, they will never let me forget it. Show nothing. “Yes, yes, yes, now will you please cease your prattle!”

The druid shook his head in mock sympathy, and then nudged the still chortling Anomen meaningfully. “Poor Edwin. When nature casts aside an appendage, she is confident it will return in the proper season. My heart weeps for your insecurities. Weep, weep.”

Her eyes were definitely blurring now, and there was a burning pain at the back of her throat. Only with a massive exertion of willpower did she manage to hold the tears back, but her voice was still strained as she spoke, and she could feel a muscle near her chin twitching violently. “You speak of nature, druid. Then know this…it is not in my nature to forget easily, not even one as unremarkable as you. Be certain that I will remember every last word of this conversation, and the reason for it. (And then I may just introduce him to the nature of fire.)” Anomen she didn’t even address, but as the cleric moved ahead again, she kept her dark eyes fixed on the back of his head, and the equally dark rage kept swirling in her blood, filling her mind.

I have had enough of this. No more mockery, no more insults, no more attempts to take her away from me. It is time for him to die – and I will make it as painful as humanly possible. Yes…it is the only thing to do. The only sane, rational alternative. He is in the way, and he will be removed. Soon. Very, very soon.

As Edwina walked on, she was smiling, despite the tears in her eyes. It wasn’t a pleasant smile at all, and neither was it entirely sane.