Makings of a Monster

As Sarevok opened the door, Tamoko stood facing him in the hall. She looked so beautiful, noble and regal against the Kozakuran style interior, even though her eyes were red and her cheeks marked with tearstains. For once Sarevok couldn't read her expression at all. Usually she allowed him a more open view into the depths of her remarkable, brave and complex soul. She had her swords sheathed at her waist and her posture was that of a warrior she was.
- "So you return. You reek of alcohol and the perfume of Cythandria."
Her voice was flat and emotionless, her eyes gazing levelly into Sarevok's.

Speechless, Sarevok cast his face down. He hadn't felt so ashamed of himself in a long time. How much better it would have felt if she shrieked, slapped him, lost control.
- "I thought the worst night of my life was when I run away from Kozakura, all my life goals in shambles and uncertain future ahead of me. But last night was worse," she continued. There was no whining manipulation aimed to arouse pity or guilt in her voice. Just a statement of a fact.
- "Do you hate me now?" asked Sarevok. There was no point trying to deny what he had done. She already knew and lying would only deepen the friction between them.
- "Don't be stupid!" snapped Tamoko, the first hint of anger surfacing. "I feel this tortured because I love you. I don't want you to betray me with a manipulative, calculating bitch because I love you. I wonder if loving you is enough."
- "Are you leaving me?" asked Sarevok, fear strangling his throat. An old, primal fear of abandonment surfaced, causing an irrational urge to break down, to beg not to be left alone. But that wouldn't do. "I would deserve it, if you did..." he added in a quiet voice.
- "You would," agreed Tamoko. "But I made you a promise, as you made to me. Promises of loyalty are not to been taken lightly. I am angry and hurt, but I still love you. If I left you, as a punishment for betraying me, I would still love you and be hurt, and miss your company, and feel bad for abandoning you. So no, I am not leaving you."
Sarevok stepped closer to her, wanting to make it up to her.
- "Tamoko, my love, my soul... forgive me..." he tried to embrace her, but she stepped away and grabbed his arm.
- "Don't! I don't want you touching me now, knowing that you haven't even washed yourself after leaving her side. Just leave me be for time being. It will take some adjusting to touch you again, knowing that I'm not your only lover any more."
- "I... understand. You must understand... it's not like I even find her attractive. I was just angry and..."
- "Yet you knowingly went to her. You knew that she has been luring you, and gave in in spite of me."
- "I know. Forgive me, Tamoko."
- "I will try to."
As Sarevok bathed, trying to wash both Cythandria and the nauseating alcohol away, he didn't know whether the remorse or the physical pain was worse. For the first time in his life he felt that being dead, dead as in not knowing, not feeling, not existing would be better than life and survival. Tamoko's calm voice, the disappointment and refined pain hurt him far more than any physical pain or nagging or yelling would. He wouldn't, couldn't, deny the call of his blood, but he certainly wouldn't disappoint Tamoko again. He would have to make her understand.

After a quiet and painful day Sarevok went to sleep.
- "Tamoko? Will you come to sleep with me?" he pleaded.
She shook her head.
- "No. Not tonight."
She slept on her bedroll in another room, and Sarevok felt so empty, so deprived, not having her in his arms. Yet he knew that Tamoko had suffered like this just night before, not knowing where he was but guessing all too well. He hardly slept at all, would have wanted to cry but couldn't.

In the early morning hours Tamoko padded to the bedroom and sat on the bed. She took Sarevok into her arms, sighing deeply. Her hot tears run down her cheeks and on Sarevok's shoulders, and Sarevok could sense the pain she was in. He hugged her very tight. The minutes were grey, painful, lingering and went very slowly by.