Makings of a Monster

Sarevok sat on the jail bench, staring vacantly ahead as the captain had said. Winski sat beside him.
- "Sarevok? It's Winski. Will you talk to me?"
Nothing.
- "It's not that bad. Just talk to me."
Nothing. He was breathing, and looking somewhere. No glassy expression. Winski sighed and took the boy's hand, gently massaging the palm with small motions. He sat a long time, not saying anything. He hoped his presence gave the boy a feeling of acceptance, a feeling that he wasn't urging him or forcing him into anything. That way he hoped to get his retreated, frightened soul back to here and now.

Finally Sarevok's hand twitched. Slowly the boy turned his head and faced Winski, a despair in his eyes.
- "Are you mad at me?" His voice was uncharacteristically small.
- "No. I'm just worried of you. We will have to have a serious talk. But I'm not mad at you. I care for you and I want you safe."
- "I didn't kill anyone?"
- "No! Don't you remember anything? Sarevok, it's not that bad. The captain isn't badly hurt. He's not mad at you either. And Reiltar doesn't know, and if all goes well, he won't."
- "I'm in trouble, though."
- "Well, yes. You may be. But it may well turn all right. Look, little one. I don't know what exactly happened, but I think you are just shocked because it caught you by surprise. Now we go home and Jelena and I will coddle and spoil you to our heart's desire. And then we will have the serious talk."
- "What will mother say?" Sarevok asked in more despair. Winski grabbed his chin and looked deep into the amber-golden eyes with his own yellow ones.
- "Jelena is your mother. She feels a so-called 'unconditional love' for you. You could do anything at all, and she would still love you with all the core of her being. So don't you worry about that. And let me do the talking. No need to shock her unnecessarily."

Winski led the dizzy boy home. He told Jelena a vague version of what had happened, emphasizing that all was already well. They fed and bathed the boy, and Jelena wanted to give him sweets, though to Winski it seemed that he ate them more out of a desire to please his mother than out of a true pleasure. When the boy then slept, the two adults had tea. Winski contemplated Jelena, feeling a mix of pity, irritation and affection. She wasn't a stupid woman, but she might as well have been because her perception was so twisted when it came to Reiltar, who loomed large in the small space that was her life. Sometimes, when she went on with the latest version of how she was to blame for Reiltar's brutalities, defying all laws of logic, common sense, coherence and imagination, he felt an urge to slap and shake her. But of course, she would just take that as a further evidence of her worthlessness. A person with so much gentleness and so little aggression as Jelena was rare indeed, and in this cynical nation of fierce competition her kind was crushed without mercy. And what was important was the boy, of course. He wasn't sure that Jelena's influence was a good one. It could weaken the boy. But he was so hungry for nurture and love that it surely wasn't all bad either. Winski didn't believe in love as a concept, and he wasn't good at nurturing. Certainly Jelena gave the boy something important that he could not.

Once Sarevok woke up, Winski led him again to his secret room. They usually studied in the laboratory, but when Winski wanted the boy to relax and do some soul-searching, he led him there. Sarevok was comfortably propped against the pillows, looking apprehensive and concentrated.
Winski related the captain's story to him, remembering to emphasize that the actual injuries were minor.
- "Huh. I was so scared that I had killed someone. When they all were holding me like that."
- "I need you to tell me exactly what happened. I take it this has never happened before, even though you have been in the arms training from the beginning."
- "No. I always feel very good, very alive, when I train, but it is not like this. It is just... pleasure in that I can do it well, and that it's what I'm made for."
- "I don't think I need to ask, but was this the presence you have been describing to me?"
- "Yes. It gave me the same strength, it makes me much more powerful. And the joy is much more powerful as well."
- "Sarevok, you didn't call it on purpose, did you?" Winski's voice had a stern hint to it now.
- "No! What would I do that for? Kill the captain who teaches me how to use weapons, in front of many witnesses?" he said, irritated.
- "Mea culpa. Sorry for asking. But that means that you can't control it. And it is very important that we find out what caused it. Tell me exactly."

- "One part of it was the sword. I have been wanting to use it a long time, but he hasn't let me. A mace and flail feel all wrong, the shield just slows me down. I want to use all my strength, my both hands. It feels like the sword is part of me. And I was so happy that he let me and I didn't want to fail."
- "I think he did say it was irregular, and that it wouldn't mean failure if you gave up or called it off, " said Winski, his voice mild.
- "He said it because he thinks I'm too young," said Sarevok in a stubborn voice. Winski could not argue.
- "So then you started to slow down and get tired, which is perfectly natural considering that I, who am an adult, couldn't hold that thing for two minutes without starting to shake."
- "Yeah, but that's different - you are just a wizard!"
Winski hid a smile.
- "Even so, not even all adult warriors can wield it effectively. And children of your age can't usually even lift it."

- "Anyway, then he got a hit home because I was getting tired and he asked if I wanted to give up. And I was ashamed because I hadn't hit him even once and then I saw... HIS face and he was laughing at me." Sarevok had difficulties calling Reiltar father, though he still did so to his face. In private discussions with Winski he was usually referred to as "the bastard". "And then I started to see images, they started to mix with what I really saw, the blade was real, and the dry sand, but the blood was not, and there were the voices..."
- "The voices you have been hearing in your dreams?"
- "Yes. The voices of murdered people. And then I just felt that I wasn't tired at all anymore, and I felt such a rage, and such a joy same time, like I was unstoppable. Like a god. And the next thing I knew they were holding me and I didn't remember what happened."

- "I see. There are two lessons for you here. First one is that the presence, whatever exactly it is, is not a bad thing as such."
- "It is not?"
- "Not at all. Given how talented you already are, the presence can make you fight like a god, like you said, and you are just an 8-years old boy. But then there is the other lesson, which is the one I want you to concentrate on for now. I have been telling you a lot how special you are. But you do have faults too, weak points. And controlling your emotions is one such."
Sarevok just looked at him, intently.
- "You get frustrated easily, and let your anger get the better of you. During the training you gave in to two emotions, which seem to be linked to that presence somehow. And in that situation both of them were harmful. One was pride. You wanted to fight like an adult with the big sword, and wouldn't want to accept your physical limitations. Also you ignored the instruction your teacher had given to you, and that is bad. I should know. It is not wrong to be proud, but you have to listen to others when they know what they are talking about. The other thing was anger. You have an abundance of bottled anger against Reiltar, and that is no wonder, certainly. But you must not let it consume you. Analyze the situation. You felt humiliation and defeat when you started to tire, even though you had clearly been told that you shouldn't expect anything else. Then you saw the bastard laughing at you in your imagination, and flew into a murderous rage. And yet Reiltar was nowhere to be seen, and the only person you hurt was your teacher and yourself. See what I mean?"
- "I... think." Sarevok looked puzzled and ashamed.
- "The presence has entered you when you have felt great fear, anger, hesitation or a threat of shame. You must learn to control these feelings, and then you can learn to use that presence to your advantage."
- "But how do you control feelings?"
- "By practising. You must detach yourself from them. Analyze them in the peace of this place, and learn to recognize them. Then, in the real situation, you step out of it and stay calm. You have already done so, by the way. When Reiltar beats you. You think of your mother and of my words to you. A motivation to control yourself, in other words. That, and the promise of pay-back in future. Learn to think in long term, a grand scale."
The boy looked a bit puzzled, but was clearly thinking of Winski's words.
- "Hey, little one. It was quite a brainful, wasn't it? Tomorrow we'll think how we can persuade the captain to teach you again, and prevent this from happening again. But for now I think we should do something relaxing and funny."
- "Sit in front of fireplace with mother and play cards and pretend that we are a family?"
Eyes sad, Winski replied: "You've got it."